Another 10 Funny Stories from Ancient Rome
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- čas přidán 27. 06. 2024
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This took longer than I would have expected, but here it is. A promise is a promise, after all.
Sources:
Saturnalia II, Macrobius
The Late Empire AD 337-425, Cambridge University Press
History of the Wars, Procopius
Letters to Atticus, Cicero
History of the Roman Empire since the Death of Marcus Aurelius, Herodian
Res Gestae XXIX, Ammianus Marcellinus
A Roman Feast… of Death!, article by JSTOR Daily
Ab Urbe Condita, book 6, Livy
Plutarch, Moralia On the Fortune of the Romans
Donne's Satyre I and the Closure of Law, Gregory Kneidel
Bellum Jugurthinum, Sallust - Zábava
Majorian : "to better protect the empire against barbarians, the right to bear arms shall not be infringed.
Valentinian : "the right to bear arms ? Amateur. As the emperor, I have the right to 2 full bears !"
Criminal: "Please, I swear on my innocence!"
Valentinian: "Swear on MY Innocence."
Jovian's death was definitely not an assassination.
The Milo story is my runner up favorite of Roman bruh moments, but the funniest will always be Clodius in the Festival of the Good Goddess
We should make a colossal statue of Valentinian the Great listing all his accomplishments in government and anger
And a statue of his death screaming at someone bit funny if it happened
I’ve read Ammianus Marcellinus and I’m happy to give you a list of his anger
*Valentinian, being a man of a naturally ferocious disposition, when Maximin arrived, having no one to give him good advice or to restrain him, proceeded, as if hurried on by a storm of winds and waves, to all kinds of cruel actions; so that when angry, his voice, his countenance, his gait, and his complexion, were continually changing. And of this passionate intemperance there are many undoubted instances, of which it will be sufficient to recount a few.*
*A certain grown-up youth, of those called pages, having been appointed to take care of a Spartan hound which had been brought out for hunting, let him loose before the appointed moment, because the animal, in its efforts to escape, leaped upon him and bit him; and for this he was beaten to death and buried the same day.*
*The master of a workshop, who had brought the emperor an offering of a breastplate most exquisitely polished, and who was therefore in expectation of a reward, was ordered by him to be put to death because the steel was of less weight than he considered requisite.*
*Constantianus, the master of the stables, having ventured to change a few of the horses, to select which he had been despatched to Sardinia, was, by his order, stoned to death.*
*Athanasius, a very popular character, being suspected by him of some levity in the language he held among the common people, was sentenced to be burnt alive if he ever did anything of the kind again; and not long afterwards, being accused of having practised magic, he was actually burnt, no pardon being given even to one whose devices had often afforded the emperor great amusement.*
*Africanus was an advocate of great diligence, residing in Rome; he had had the government of one province, and aspired to that of another. But when Count Theodosius, the commander of the cavalry, supported his petition for such an office, the emperor answered him somewhat rudely, "Away with you, O count, and change the head of the man who wishes to have his province changed." And by this sentence a man of great eloquence perished, only because, like many others, he wished for higher preferment.*
*The mind shudders at the idea of recapitulating all that took place, and, indeed, dreads to do so, lest we should appear to make a business of pointing out the vices of an emperor who, in other respects, had many good qualities. But this one circumstance may not be passed over in silence nor suppressed, that he kept two ferocious she-bears who were used to eat men; and they had names, Golden Camel and Innocence, and these beasts he took such care of that he had their dens close to his bedchamber; and appointed over them trusty keepers who were bound to take especial care that the odious fury of these monsters should never be checked. At last he had Innocence set free, after he had seen the burial of many corpses which she had torn to pieces, giving her the range of the forests as a reward for her services.*
And not to seem unfair, Ammianus Marcellinus then gives a list of Valentinian’s virtues
*1. It is natural for us, after discussing these topics, if we would act fairly, now to come to his virtuous and laudable actions; since if he had tempered his vices fairly with them he would have been a second Trajan or Marcus Aurelius. Towards the people of the provinces he was very considerate, lightening the burden of their tributes throughout the empire. He also exerted himself in a very beneficial manner in building towns and strengthening the frontiers. He was a strict observer of military discipline erring only in this respect, that while he punished even slight misconduct on the part of the common soldiers, he was lenient towards officers of rank and shut his ears against every complaint that was uttered against them.*
*2. He was, both at home and abroad, a strict observer of modesty and chastity, keeping his conscience wholly free from all taint of impurity or obscenity, and in consequence he bridled the wantonness of the imperial court as with a strong rein; and he was the more easily able to do this because he had never shown any indulgence to his own relations, whom he either kept in obscurity, or (if he promoted them at all) raised to a very moderate rank, with the exception of his brother, whom, in deference to the necessities of the times, he made his partner in the imperial dignity.*
*3. He was very scrupulous in giving high rank to any one; nor, as long as he was emperor, did any one of the moneyed interest become ruler of a province, nor was any government sold, unless it was at the beginning of his reign, when wicked actions were sometimes committed in the hope that the new prince would be too much occupied to punish them.*
*4. In waging war, and in defending himself from attacks, he was prudent and very skilful, like a veteran of great experience in military affairs. He was a very wise admirer of all that was good, and dissuader from all that was bad; and a very accurate observer of all the details of military service. He wrote with elegance, and described everything with great neatness and skill in composition. He was an inventor of new arms. He had an excellent memory, and a fluent, easy style of speaking, which at times bordered closely upon eloquence. He was a lover of elegant simplicity, and was fond, not so much of profuse banquets, as of entertainments directed by good taste.*
*5. Lastly, he was especially remarkable during his reign for his moderation in this particular, that he kept a middle course between the different sects of religion; and never troubled any one, nor issued any orders in favour of one kind of worship or another; nor did he promulgate any threatening edicts to bow down the necks of his subjects to the form of worship to which he himself was inclined; but he left these parties just as he found them, without making any alterations.*
*6. His body was muscular and strong: the brightness of his hair - the brilliancy of his complexion, with his blue eyes, which always looked askance with a stern aspect - the beauty of his figure - his lofty stature, and the admirable harmony of all his features - filled up the dignity and beauty of an appearance which bespoke a monarch.*
@@joellaz9836 i promise to build a 20 meter statue of him with a 10 meter base with a raging face made of marble if i get the chance
@@joellaz9836that is a long list
Last story seems like a “She belongs to the streets” moment or a comedy sketch of the cheater being cheated on
I like the one about the man being talked out of siege by his mother and wife, and the one with Milo was hilarious, that guy was not having a good day. And the one with Augustus, while humorous it's not the funniest but perhaps my favorite because it shows a more normal side to Augustus, being a fan of collecting talking birds.
The siege one, is a reason why I will always claim that Italy has always been a Matriarchy. If you send our Mothers and Wives at us, we’ll do what ever they want. Nero, being the obvious exception.
@@wetwillyis_1881 are you crazy?
Valentinian's death is also a high mark in humorous ones
Last funny video
A phallus rising from the flames just seems like a metaphor for an STD
2:17
Senators: "CAESAR, THE BARBARIANS HAVE SACKED ROME"
Emperor Honorius: "OH NO!!! I think I've run out of bread for the birds..."
Anyway, you can say critize Honorius all you want, but you can't deny that he cared about his birds more than any other owner would ever do. That really makes justice to the Emperor's name, don't you think?
Golden flake and Innocence, what a name for two executioner beasts.
That last story was noted and passed down to us by the roman writer Jerus Springus
Domitian after the banquet: "Did you see the look on those stupid senators' faces during dinner? I'M SURE THEY WILL NEVER FORGET THIS PRANK!!!" 🤣🤣🤣
Domitia: "And you're not worried that they might take it so seriously that they decide to get rid of you before you do anything to them?"
Domitian: "No wonder I always prefer eunuchs to you..."
It was a “practical joke!” It’s all the stupid senator’s fault! I didn’t do anything, apart from terrorising senators, they deserved it!
@@HaroldMC63 a absolute powerplay from our emperor.
Proceeds to get murdered
This is a teachable moment to give people a weapon against their phantom audiences.
Think of 5 times that you embarrassed yourself that you will always remember. Now imagine five moments where a FRIEND embarrassed themselves that they'll always remember. Way harder right? Basically impossible to even think of one. Just like the course of history, the people around you remember your ups much better than your downs. That 7th grade incident that keeps you up a night? No one else remembers it in the broadest sense, so tell your brain to cram it.
This is one of the best things I've every read I really needed to read this thnx.
5:15 Domitian's trolling funeral banquets are actually depicted in the Steven Saylor's novel "Empire." In said book, Domitian discovers that a patrician and a vestal have been secret lovers for 10 years and prepares a special dinner for them. The banquet is filled, not only with completely black objects and food, but also with tombstones with the name of the guests inscribed on the walls, beautiful poems about death and conversations about the horrible punishments reserved to Vestals who have broken their vow of chastity and their lovers. Once the dinner is over, both the Patrician and the Vestal (scared to death) are allowed to return home, but she is soon after arrested and buried alive for her carnal sin. The Patrician, on the other hand, is allowed to live, as Domitian considers that spending the rest of his life mourning the horrible death of his mistress rather than simply being executed is a much more deserving punishment.
A iam fairly sure that punisment fór sex to vestals was stoning
I swear Valentinian The Great's entire life is a meme. He not only had two bears that he used to kill people, he also had two wives. It turns out his first wife had become friends with a daughter of the Constantinian dynasty and when Valentinian The Great's first wife saw her friend naked she was so amazed that she had to tell her husband and actually encouraged him to marry her.
I feel like Severa has some very specific ulterior motive.
@@blugaledoh2669 I mean would you say no to Constanian milkers?
@@blugaledoh2669 explain please.
@@maddraugr4667 lesbian.
You left out the best part of the story. Valentinian basically created a LAW just so he can have a second wife at least according to Socrates. And there's like at least two other versions of the story. The law one is the most absurd.
Raven: Nothing to show for the trouble and expense.
Augustus after Teutoburg Forest: Right
I have to disagree on Valentinian having the funniest death, when Basil exists.
He goes hunting, gets his belt stuck on a deer's antler, gets dragged behind the deer for 16 miles, finally saved by an attendant who cuts Basil's belt but, seeing the attendant brandishing a knife and obviously in a major adrenaline high, Basil orders the attendant executed... And then he gets a fever and dies.
“Longarenus” lmfao
"Et tu, Longarenus?"
-Milo, possibly.
#3. The roman traitor who got scolded so much, he gave up on the siege. XD
Poor Milo. My man picked up someone who belonged to the streets.
Keep up the good work Spectrum love your videos
These vids keep getting better, keep going with these
Hey from Utah, just found your channel and you got to say it's a ton of fun. Thanks for all the effort!
My favorite is probably the Domitian one, at the very least it’s a great idea to use in a DND campaign
5:15 *Fun fact:* Speaking of Domitian, the Anthony Burguess' book "The Kingdom of the Wicked" features both the Vesuvius and the Flavian sharing a very short, but also important role at the end of the novel. Near the end of Vespasian's life, the Emperor decides to discipline the inmature Domitian by sending him to Pompeii. The night before being departed, Domitian writes in a wall the number 666 in a casual way, without knowing the significance and symbolism that number would obtain in the future. Later, during his stay in that city, Domitian meets and later murder Saint Matthias, the last Apostle of Jesus. Just after doing that, the Vesuvius starts its eruption and Domitian barely escapes alive, with the novel ending with the future tyrant maniacally laughing while the innocent inhabitants of Pompeii are horribly massacred by the destruction of the city.
*HOMINES MORI*
*MALUM EST AETERNUM*
what a tremendous, steaming pile of horseshit.
Looks like the greatest christian fanfic since the Bible
@@freddekl1102 Much edge, such wow.
@@freddekl1102 🎪
That’s funny, I was just rewatching your French Kings video when this was uploaded. Nice.
Great video man. I would like to see you do a ranking video on the holly roman emperors in the future.
I'm so happy you're alive
Love these types of vids, could listen to them all day
Domitian: just being a goth
Guests: We are so dead
Great video thank you much! ✌️
you are easily my favourite youtuber
Spectrum the mighty has returned!
The Roma chicken is obviously not true, but it goes to show what the Roman people thought of Honorius and his response to crises.
Valentinian also died due to being so mad so a bit ironic bursted a blood vessel in his head bonus fun fact
Domitian had really deadly sense of humor.
This channel is my new obsession. 😂
damn this was a really good video dude
Odd that Innocence got to be released, but Golden Flake was destined to forever slay and eat fools. Clearly one is carrying the team, smh mh.
Great video as usual would be really good if you ranked all Prussian kings from worst to best
Fabulous entertainment. Cheers to you 🇦🇺👍🏼
OH YESSSS well done!
Villius: My darling Fausta has betrayed me for another man.
Milo: Sucks, doesn't it- I mean, sucks to be you!
good content
Please do ranking of all kings and queens of Austria
Interesting video
One of my favorite little tales is the case of the Arab Vampire of Constantinople. Following their victory at Adrianople, the Goths marched on Constantinople after some general pillaging and plundering. Dominica, Valens' widow, hastily prepared a defense, bringing in Arab warriors and seeing to the maintenance of fortifications. Later on with the Goths before the walls, a lone, naked Arab sortied out and killed multiple Goths, going so far as to drink blood from one of their necks, which understandably frightened the attackers.
Thank God his chicken was safe long live honorius
I am laughing out loud!
You forgot that one time when medazelli fell down those glass stairs at the apple store
Same
Same as last story in my city also happen
4:55 that's some Heihachi Mishima shit
6:27 what is this?
Maybe Domitus was just really emo. That banquet was fuckin metal
Are we talking about Milo the Senator who regularly engaged in street battles in Rome while Caesar was in Gaul?
Hahahahahahah honestly if Fausta is Sulla's daughter it could be?
Absolutely hilarious however
The one good thing Honorius did was ban gladiatorial combat.
Domitian was truly an emo before emos were a thing
the difference between Augustus and Julius is that Big Papa would have killed the owner of the second bird and fed the owners entrails to them. Still would have paid the most fort he second bird.
What’s the specific source on the Milo story?
It's actually the final 2. This is because the Bellum Jugurthinum references the episode kind of in passing, so some details are missing. Gregory Kneidel's work references the situation more thouroughly, as he's looking the give context to the words Horace says about the whole affair (as seen in the video).
Steven Saylor's book A Murder on the Appian Way also references the episode, but since that's a novel, it doesn't really count as a source, even if Saylor is usually very good with his information.
@@spectrum1140 Thank you!
I assume that the Milo in question is the very same who had an ongoing feud (that's putting it lightly) with Clodius. If so, then it is absolutely hilarious to me that two of the most important figures involved in ROme's political system becoming broken beyond fixing were also two complete doofuses.
Let’s be fair, Demitian wasn’t really that bad, he was just an Emo.
Fun fact, valentinian I became emperor after jovian died
Dude dies in his tent after just having been made emperor, pretty damn funny if you als me
Can you make something similar about the greeks ?
The last two💀
Question. Since you’ve ranked so many kings and queens, have you ever thought about US president rankings?
I've thought about it, but I'll never do it. I'm not touching that hornet's nest.
@@spectrum1140 can you rank the persian emperors
0:14 Already being funny with the "Another 10 funny stories from from ancient rome
Rome Content :O
Upload ás quatro da manhã lol
quoth the raven "nevermore"
next rank every US war opponent!!
If you often picture divine entities when looking back at historical figures you have not progressed theologically beyond roman peasants.
salve ibi
What are the sources of these entertaining stories?
Please don't say "Historia Augusta".
Please don't say "Historia Augusta".
Put the sources for the stories I've found in the description. As you can see, there's no Historia Augusta.
@@spectrum1140: Oh, thank Deus Sol Invictus!
🤠👍🏿
W
DOC CHICKEN DOC CHICKEN DOC CHICKEN DOC HCICKEN
Germany
Rate Polish monarchs
I think I got too late :c
What the duck?
Ranking every 3rd reich Fuhrer next
Plz heart...
Good to know, that polygamy is still women's favourite activity to this day.
Imagine if Romans had Tinder...
Longarenus is a funnier name than pupienus and balbinus... ok maybe not as funny as pupienus come on
"Funny"
Some of these are outright horrible