What's The Wittiest Comeback You've Ever Heard?

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  • čas pƙidĂĄn 6. 09. 2024
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Komentáƙe • 117

  • @raptorbrotherhood766
    @raptorbrotherhood766 Pƙed rokem +59

    He looks like the wholesome western dude in those 2000s movies whenever a road trip goes wrong

    • @BeaIsBi
      @BeaIsBi Pƙed rokem +5

      I think he looks more like the kind of guy who would play some fun games of mario kart with you.

    • @lauragarza7585
      @lauragarza7585 Pƙed rokem +5

      I get cool guidance counselor who’s lived a crazy life vibes

    • @civilwildman
      @civilwildman Pƙed rokem

      Or the guy who ends u saving the day.

  • @mauricecherry1209
    @mauricecherry1209 Pƙed rokem +37

    Someone once tried to give me the whole “you gotta love your family even if they’re abusive because blood is thicker than water” rant and I simply responded with “so is feces.” They instantly shut up afterwards.

    • @DarkCreepyFairy
      @DarkCreepyFairy Pƙed rokem +4

      911? I just witnessed a murder

    • @rosethorn6784
      @rosethorn6784 Pƙed rokem +4

      Next time someone gives you the "blood is thicker than water" speech tell them the whole phrase and watch them get confused
      "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb"

  • @GMAMEC
    @GMAMEC Pƙed rokem +11

    Story 13 reminds me of my grandparents. My grandfather was suffering from dementia and was giving my grandmother a hard time. He kept telling her that he was going to leave her for his first wife. After numerous “threats”, she had enough. She told him that he could leave. Being thrown off by her response, he asked her why. She replied that his first wife had been been a resident at Forrest Lawn Cemetery for over 30 years.

  • @Fuzz32
    @Fuzz32 Pƙed rokem +4

    A guy once made fun of me for talking to myself. I’m on the autism spectrum and that’s my form of self stimulation. I responded “Well how else can I have an intelligent conversation?” Never made fun of me again.

  • @kepler1377
    @kepler1377 Pƙed rokem +11

    My high school always had a small rivalry between the track and baseball teams (I was on the track team). One constant joke the baseball kids had was judging us for having short practices, they weren’t THAT short but compared to baseball practice we were almost all gone before baseball was done.
    One year the baseball team was out of the running early in the season and I ran into a baseball player after practice who said, in a snarky voice, “Oh practice over already?” I just responded with “Oh season over already?” My ego grew 10x that day.

  • @InsertCreativeusername_
    @InsertCreativeusername_ Pƙed rokem +6

    Was in science class and we're looking at pictures of fossilized animals. We got to one of a baby wolly mammoth. One kid said something to the effect of "that things kinda ugly". My science teacher without missing a beat says "Really? I think it kinda looks like you"
    The class went nuts

  • @ked49
    @ked49 Pƙed rokem +8

    I actually had a few decent ones all in one conversation.
    The other person who we will call Tom doesn’t like me for reasons that were all their fault. And yes these were all thought of during the actual day and not the day after
    I like to give advice. Two people that sit next to me where having problems with how to do the ixl. So I tried to explain it and Tom said “you know it’s rude to interrupt others conversations”
    This happens like every other week so one day I decided to say “why don’t you take your own advice for once” Tom said something. That I ignored , then he called me a “mother effer” with stronger language. I replied “yeah yours” he then replied “my moms are lesbians” I said “that isn’t the insult you think it is, that means I’m better than everyone else” he started saying stuff again then said I was admitting defeat. I responded “no, it’s just I remembered some good advice I have heard before, you can’t argue with stupid”
    Another day during class Tom said “I can’t relate to lennie, he’s just so stupid and retarded”
    I responded “that sounds like you should have no problems relating to him”
    Both times the long term sub threatened to send us to the office. Both times they didn’t.

  • @The-Show111
    @The-Show111 Pƙed rokem +3

    Love the mustache you’re amazing

  • @UnusualScape
    @UnusualScape Pƙed rokem +5

    I was just reminiscing about mine yesterday, no joke 😂. So there was this kid who thought he was the modern day Oppenheimer/Einstein/what have you. This kid would not stop going on about his 'position in the scientific community' and why his science project was one that not even God himself could rival, not even letting the teacher see it until his *unveiling*. The following week, all of our projects had been graded, and he's so proud of himself, in his eyes, history had been made, "Move aside Hawking, there's a new kid in town!" I've had this kid in my science class for the last 3 years, and you could see my hand forming into that Arthur fist meme. I turn around and casually ask, what his percentage mark was. He yanks the written portion from his folder, his entitled sense of self-satisfaction gleaming over such tiny penis energy that even a toddler would find appalling, he says, "See for yourself!" I grab it, "Damn dude, nice 99%!" Him [smirking]: "Best in class." I asked him if the teacher had actually told him that, and of course he half-ass dodges the question saying "..oh teacher can get fired for showing favoritism.." Because of course he knows everything about everything too. It's just science is his specialty. I turn back real quick and this curly-cued twat actually had the audacity to say, "Sorry if I embarrassed you." I don't waste another second by pulling out my research paper and borderline slamming it on his desk saying, "I sure hope Mr. S doesn't get fired for this.." He looks down. 102%. Apparently he had no clue there was extra credit involved, that being worth only 2 percentage points, meaning I wouldn't have even needed them to surpass him. I politely inform him of this and to this day, I think I accidently broke him. His face turns so red it's damn near purple, and he just starts sputtering and stuttering in front of everyone. Him: "O.. oh yeah? Well... oh yeah? Well, i..... OH YEAH??." Almost no one can keep a straight face and I say something along the lines of, "Wow you must have stayed up thinking of that comeback as long as you did writing that research paper." Him: (somewhat trembling now)"..[mild pause]...Oh Yeah?!" We all just lost it, even the teacher. Normally I'd feel bad for being publicly humiliated, it's a bitch no matter who you are, but I swear, some people just remain so abhorrently oblivious until confronted with a wake up call so daunting that they have no choice but to reflect and hopefully learn some damn humility. Sorry for the novel, but it wouldn't have been worth mentioning without going into detail lol.

    • @ked49
      @ked49 Pƙed rokem +1

      What was his project? A baking soda volcano?

    • @kmodo93
      @kmodo93 Pƙed rokem

      @@ked49 No that was theirs.

    • @UnusualScape
      @UnusualScape Pƙed rokem

      @ked2795 aha, no it was an electromagnet. I'll give him credit, he did have a head on his shoulders but, it was kinda like a hot air balloon that's gone far too high. Sometimes you need to let out most of the hot air in order for you to get your head out of the clouds to get them on ground level with reality.

  • @GLXTCHYY
    @GLXTCHYY Pƙed rokem

    Special kid: You are so dumb, you make me look like a genius.” LMFAO I died 😂😂😂😂

  • @Jedidiah_Martin_2
    @Jedidiah_Martin_2 Pƙed rokem +1

    If making fun of someone's appearance _back to them_ seems "mean and uncreative" to you, remember an old axiom:
    *_Turnabout is fair play._*

  • @shannonp1656
    @shannonp1656 Pƙed rokem +2

    I got calls from debtb collectors looking for my ex years after our divorce. I'd tell them to stop calling, I don't have his contact info, I wouldn't give it to you if I did. They would say I was lying and keep calling. I finally said "He owes me 10 years of back child support. If you find him, you call me and tell me how to reach him." Hung up on me and never called back.

  • @user-ib9pz1nh9k
    @user-ib9pz1nh9k Pƙed rokem +3

    Yo love the vids keep them coming big homie

  • @biancabailey7323
    @biancabailey7323 Pƙed rokem

    I am constantly telling my students “I am your English Teacher
my main reason why I love it is to play people with my words”
    I also got my kids hype about Shakespeare because of his insults and fight scenes. Teaching 9th-10th grade boys to love the action In Shakespeare is so fun.

  • @jizzyb76
    @jizzyb76 Pƙed rokem +1

    I just saw a video where a rapper told a dude he was about to fight " I wanna test your might" I wish I said that back in my young days 😂. he also called him a "bitch ass lil dude". shit killed me

    • @civilwildman
      @civilwildman Pƙed rokem

      I’d have said “Test my might? What is this, Mortal Kombat?”

    • @jizzyb76
      @jizzyb76 Pƙed rokem

      @@civilwildman that's what makes it funny

  • @tallonmetroids271
    @tallonmetroids271 Pƙed rokem

    Back in 2013, I was stationed at Naval Submarine School, New London. Was walking from the enlisted barracks at the top of the hill to the Galley about halfway down said hill.
    The guy in front of me was a Chief (Navy NCO), and was heading the same way. A younger guy, some new officer, maybe an Ensign or Lieutenant Junior Grade is going the opposite way, and uphill.
    Chief, being enlisted, is technically required to salute the officer, but having been in the Navy for 12+ years minimum, and likely all of it in the submarine side of the Navy, doesn't do that.
    Officer kid calls Chief out on it by saying "Chief, you didn't salute me."
    Without stopping, or missing a beat, Chief reaches into his pocket, turns and flips a quarter at the officer (who's MAYBE Ain his 20's) and responds with "Why don't you use that to go buy a cookie?" and continues on his way.
    I won't lie, it was the hardest salute I'd ever maintained, to this day. It was borderline impossible to not laugh at the poor kid.
    I should've picked up the quarter, handed it to him and said "You dropped this, sir."

  • @intothecosmos9677
    @intothecosmos9677 Pƙed rokem +2

    I have a not so witty comeback but still funny nonetheless and the best one I can remember. Basically I was in class and there was this annoying kid next to me, let’s call him Tom. Anyway, so he was talking up a storm like usual and I was trying to read my schoolwork and could barely concentrate so I was listening to the conversation between my teacher and Tom. My teacher starts his sentence off with: “Look Tom, you’re a funny guy.” And I muttered “funny looking” under my breath as I was quite annoyed at the time. You see Tom over here was a ginger, one of the only ones in the school, and was teased a lot. Apparently my mutter was in a loud enough voice for the class to hear so they all started laughing. My teacher was like: “Was that really Into the Cosmos? He is so quiet, he would never say that.” And I just gave him a smirk.
    Not the best as it was a dad joke, but it was stuck with me thus far.

  • @ArgentinianElectrician
    @ArgentinianElectrician Pƙed rokem

    13:04 as someone who loves learning about WWII, I knew exactly where this was headed as soon as "purebred" was on the screen

  • @CaptainSpycrab
    @CaptainSpycrab Pƙed rokem +1

    "Nice brain. Where'd you get it? _brain_ store?"

  • @andyclark7231
    @andyclark7231 Pƙed rokem +1

    I was in a bar with my cousin one night several years ago. We were playing pool and having a few beers when around midnight 2 really drunk cowboys came in and challenged us to a game. My cousin and I realizing how drunk these guys we declined. Immediately drunk cowboy one, using a pool Q, points at my cousin and says “You’re and asshole”. My cousin replies sarcastically “Yeah I’m and asshole.” A few pregnant seconds later the guy motions to himself with said pool Q and says “But I’m and bigger asshole!” My cousin with out missing a beat says “ I hope so cause I got a big ol’ cock!” Bar erupts in laughter and drunk cowboy 1 takes a few seconds to process what is said. After realizing what he heard he gets ready to start swinging the pool Q but the bartender cools everything down and tells us and drunk cowboys to leave. Cousin and I walk back to my apartment and laugh our asses off for like 3 more hours remembering the look on cowboy ones face, priceless! Funniest thing I’ve ever seen and heard to this day and that was 28 years ago.

  • @MonteFisto100
    @MonteFisto100 Pƙed rokem

    You know how many people have imaginary arguments in their head sometimes? I once had a real argument with my mom that went exactly TO THE LETTER the same way I had it in my head. I won the argument, but I forgot what it was about and what I said to win it.

  • @CelestialWolf
    @CelestialWolf Pƙed rokem +2

    Love this channel ❀❀❀

  • @sjrmac3
    @sjrmac3 Pƙed rokem +1

    10;22 Do you bite your thumb at me sir? I bite my thumb sir :D

  • @aleiasanova6008
    @aleiasanova6008 Pƙed rokem +1

    I remember once i was getting angry (well, not true anger, but the half joking kind of anger) at a game I was playing. I don't remember what i was playing, but I was ranting to my husband about the bad guy being a jerkwad, and he remarked something about the bag guy that makes one think "yeah, you can't be mad at him for that" Knowing he was 100% right, I say with an angry smile "Dang it, why do you have to be right about everything??" And he responded "because my logic conflicts with your emotions"
    He was once again right, and I burst into laughter

  • @kmodo93
    @kmodo93 Pƙed rokem

    "Better to be a smartass than a dumbass." Said by me to my brother. The funny thing is I'm pretty sure we both came up with it independently as, while I don't recall it being said in my presence, he claims to have said it first and given how much of a smartass he is compared to my more generally polite demeanor in public he'd be more likely to be able to use it first so I believe it.

  • @1972LittleC
    @1972LittleC Pƙed rokem

    My wife used to work as a receptionist with the municipality. One day 3 guys came to sell something to the municipality. This was in the afternoon and they clearly had a business lunch of which one had been drinking and smoking. Now my wife looks a lot younger then she is, so a lot of people think she's a nice little girl, and the drinker thought he could make a pass at her. This dude came hanging over the counter, and with the smothering breath he tries his luck. My wife tried very nicely to hint to him she's married, until she was fed up with his.
    "You got such beautiful eyes" he said, at which she said "You're so nice from afar".
    His colleagues in the waiting room laughed so hard that he didn't dare to look her in the eyes, and when they came back for another visit, drinker wasn't with them.

  • @happydays8834
    @happydays8834 Pƙed rokem

    8:45 you look amazing don’t ever question the mustache it’s top quality

  • @djt08031996
    @djt08031996 Pƙed rokem

    After a couple months of workplace sexual harassment (guy on guy oddly enough) he tells me "I love you" I didn't even hesitate to kamikaze by words "there are easier ways to tell people you're crazy"

  • @HairBear1225
    @HairBear1225 Pƙed rokem

    A guy I knew did a great self-burn. His wife snowblowed driveways in the winter, and she had just gotten off the phone with a customer who wanted her to clear the driveway after a light dusting.
    Irritated, she said "screw that, I'm not coming for less then 5 inches!"
    To which he replied, "God, don't I know it..!"

  • @hipkorpacz1476
    @hipkorpacz1476 Pƙed rokem +2

    8:45 Ok, mr. Eggman

  • @aceospades6570
    @aceospades6570 Pƙed rokem

    One time, a buddy of mine (jokingly) said he was not only going to pummel me for bringing up a dead meme (YOLO); but he was also going to make me fail and stay back a grade in school.
    My response: "like you?"

  • @blackmagician7645
    @blackmagician7645 Pƙed rokem

    For story 25 at 14:41. An ad interrupted with someone busting in with this line. "Stop! Did you know thousands of Americans are piggy backing off a IRS program?" 😂 Like, what?

  • @seabass819
    @seabass819 Pƙed rokem +1

    My younger brother (who had big muttenchops) is usually pretty quick with the comeback, so I was semipleased when he (jokingly) insulted me, and I retorted by "oh yeah? Well you look like a failed porn stars understudy"

  • @JoyCopperMoth
    @JoyCopperMoth Pƙed rokem

    Watched a production of Adam's Family the Musical that my old highschool did recently, my favorite line was "if you're gonna act like a tool go sleep in the shed"

  • @senshidoKB
    @senshidoKB Pƙed rokem

    Supervisor at work saying how someone had written DICKHEAD in the snow on the roof of his car and how he'll find out who did it, I replied "so you've narrowed it down to someone that knows you". About the only time I didn't have to wait until much later to think of a witty reply 😂

  • @user-jz2bs5wp7c
    @user-jz2bs5wp7c Pƙed 5 měsĂ­ci

    I thought it was "... I'd poison your TEA"

  • @SirFattington
    @SirFattington Pƙed rokem +1

    Your moustache makes you look like Dr robotnik

  • @cooperjorde149
    @cooperjorde149 Pƙed rokem

    While thinking about the English teacher story, and then I heard the Shakespeare story. My class is reading Shakespeare when school starts up if I hear a "I bite my thumb" and somebody says "What a baby." I would just respond with "He's more of a man than you."

  • @cmdrezeri
    @cmdrezeri Pƙed rokem

    Just me but I was in a dispo a couple years back when everywhere still required customers wear masks. This older lady went in at the same time as me to pick up an online order, I was ordering there. Her order wasn’t entirely right (I think it was that they didn’t have something she had ordered but I know damn well they call in these kinds of cases). Mind you, this lady had to be in her sixties or seventies and miles beyond the shadow of a doubt also retired or simply unemployed even. She’s upset and berating the budtender in charge of online orders. Meanwhile I’m just trying to order but I can’t hear over her blathering nonsense so I tell her to calm down and be quiet. She ignores me. All the while she keeps pulling down her mask so she can tell properly. Then the tender tells her to put her mask back on to which this lady retorts, derisively, “They don’t even work!” Without so much as a conscious thought, I look over and say, “Neither do you but here we are.” I got a huge thanks and an extra discount that day.

  • @jccw227
    @jccw227 Pƙed rokem

    Story 31 reminds me of The Golden Girls.
    Rose: Can I ask you a dumb question?
    Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.

  • @Fast_Eddy_Magic
    @Fast_Eddy_Magic Pƙed rokem +1

    Doug Henning called. He wants his shirt back.
    Emmet Kelly works too, but unfortunately, no one knows who that is anymore.

    • @JohnSmith-zw8vp
      @JohnSmith-zw8vp Pƙed rokem

      He was that Brooklyn Dodgers clown, and he was on that one MathNet episode where he gets framed for bank robbery!

    • @Fast_Eddy_Magic
      @Fast_Eddy_Magic Pƙed rokem

      @@JohnSmith-zw8vp Doug Henning was a magician and Emmet Kelly was a circus clown. Nothing to do with baseball.

    • @JohnSmith-zw8vp
      @JohnSmith-zw8vp Pƙed rokem

      @@Fast_Eddy_Magic Kelly was so a mascot for the Brooklyn Dodgers back in the day!

    • @Fast_Eddy_Magic
      @Fast_Eddy_Magic Pƙed rokem

      @@JohnSmith-zw8vp oh, okay. Sorry. I had to look up BASEBALL in the historical records. Seems it was a teem sport one regarded as the national pastime of the Americas. Died in 2342.

  • @michellewilliams3782
    @michellewilliams3782 Pƙed rokem

    Ok. I was passing by two male co-workers bantering back and forth. I didn't catch the whole conversation, but one must have been razzing the other, because he replied defensively... "It's not my favorite movie, I've only seen The Notebook once. And there was a girl involved!" Without acknowledging them or making eye contact, I quipped right as I passed by : "That's one more time than I've seen it." I just heard laughter from behind me as I kept going. For further reference, I'm a female of similar age.

  • @kimhohlmayer7018
    @kimhohlmayer7018 Pƙed rokem

    For your viewer edition:
    Late 1970s in a college Sociology class we were discussing problems with our individual research projects. One young lady known for her liberal sexual views was telling the prof that she might have to change projects because the witch coven she wanted to study would only answer her questions if she participated in their rituals. “I don’t want to agree then find out they’re sacrificing virgins in their rituals.” Without missing a beat our pro replies, “Well Mary Ann, you’ll have nothing to worry about.” Silence for a second then the whole class roared!

  • @gunnyhatfield2459
    @gunnyhatfield2459 Pƙed rokem

    While driving I had an idiot blow through a stop sign, I honked and he gave me the middle finger. We pulled up to each other, him in the left turn lane, me in the continue straight lane.
    He started cussing me out and I told him "I never thought I would live long enough to see one, you know, a living breathing talking sphincter, don't worry, I won't get to close to you because you're known to have shit for brains and diarrhea of the mouth." He just sat there with his mouth open, stunned into silence and drove off without saying anything.

  • @chrazychris8636
    @chrazychris8636 Pƙed rokem

    i was once wearing a deadpool shirt with the text "insult loading 93 percent". anyway, one of my supervisors told me to give her an insult. i told ger/blurted out that she wasnt worth it. everyone laughed their butt off

  • @thekris4378
    @thekris4378 Pƙed rokem

    Do you bite your thumb at us sir?😂

  • @battlemageazulio1019
    @battlemageazulio1019 Pƙed rokem

    My response to the... Unpleasant lady in Story 11 would be more like this.
    "I WOULD mind my own dang business, but you've been HOLDING UP said business for the past however long with your little TEMPER TANTRUM. Now, if you're quite done with your 'spoiled, bratty 6-year-old' impersonation, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave the poor kid alone, get YOUR business done and move on."

  • @showme2theexit
    @showme2theexit Pƙed rokem

    Background: love my grandparents but they are some old fashioned head strong folks. Don't mean they don't spit fire like the rest of us. One day at a family gathering we were all making laughs talking about family events when one relative asks my grandmother "So how did you two meet?" Now at this time I was on my way to the adjacent room for one reason or another but when I heard that set up I just had to: "SHE LOST A BET!". Roars of laughter from everyone except my gramps. Though his stubborn self has to admit it was quick wits even if it don't show. TLDR; I might have risked my position in the will.

  • @sturmovik1274
    @sturmovik1274 Pƙed rokem

    Me with parents:
    Dad: I taught your mother everything she knows.
    Me: Then how did she turn out so well?
    Mom: Total hysterical laughter, and she is not one for that.
    Dad: Full-blown Rodney Dangerfield "I don't get any respec' around here"! (this is an old routine of ours)
    Me and Mom together: "NO, YOU DON'T!"

  • @Shadow_Microwaive
    @Shadow_Microwaive Pƙed rokem

    "my paraplegic grandmother can work better than you"- Jontron

  • @mss.nthng13
    @mss.nthng13 Pƙed rokem

    My friends and I were making fun of each other and one friend was teasing another about being so white we could see his veins and he was pink. He said “you should see my brother, he’s whiter than me”
    I piped up with “what is he, clear?”

  • @user-om3my7pn7o
    @user-om3my7pn7o Pƙed rokem +2

    Story from my mother’s childhood. She was a young adult out at a bar with her cousin who got pretty drunk. This woman kept harassing him, trying to pick him up when he told her he wasn’t interested.
    She laughed at him and said he was drunk, to which mom’s cousin replied: in the morning I will be sober, but you will still be ugly.

  • @JohnSmith-zw8vp
    @JohnSmith-zw8vp Pƙed rokem

    Gia: Hi Michelle, are you ready for your first day of third grade?
    Michelle: Are you ready for your third year of seventh grade?
    Gia: Sixth graders are so pathetic...
    Stephanie: You should know! You were there three years!

  • @silverlightyoake9938
    @silverlightyoake9938 Pƙed rokem

    I don't know if this one counts but we had that one guy at work that just complains and disappears minutes on end and is just a total ass. He quit on his own thank gods but the last conversation he and I had was where he was joking about me being fired (the kind that good friends make with each other but he was no friend of mine) and I said no I wasn't it because he's not my boss. He asks if it was because he was short (5'5" give or take) and I responded with "If you were my boss then work would be getting done." Another comeback I have is when I was working at KFC before going on maternity leave and we were doing the plant based nuggets crap. A girl, same kind of work attitude as the douche from my current job, hears me complain about the smell of the nuggets when they're cooked and calls me a carnivore over the headset. I promptly responded with "I'm an omnivore, get it right." I don't know why asshole coworkers think of me as their friend, probably because they only see what I want them to see.

  • @mikeysenpai6094
    @mikeysenpai6094 Pƙed rokem

    halo 3 jerk store grunt (last mission) "hey demon the jerk store called and their all out of you"

  • @civilwildman
    @civilwildman Pƙed rokem

    Honestly, Mainly Fact Guy doesn’t need hair. I’m surprised the women aren’t going crazy over him and all with his current look.

  • @debombminecrafter5463
    @debombminecrafter5463 Pƙed rokem +1

    This video is top tier

  • @folasadebolarinwa6556
    @folasadebolarinwa6556 Pƙed rokem

    Some of these stories made me laugh so hard!

  • @ThatWildAroAce
    @ThatWildAroAce Pƙed rokem

    At some small family gathering (birthday party for a few family members, I believe) my dad was being a bit jokingly macho, saying things like "As the oldest I should be respected" and such. Then he said "I should raise on this table" (or something like that, the details are a bit fuzzy but it was about him getting up on the table) and I answered really calmly, out of who knows where, "While I think the table might be able to hold your weight, I doubt you'd be able to hold your balance"
    Apparently, that impressed the people around the table. Maybe it was the comeback itself, maybe it was the calm, kind of cold tone, who knows.

  • @angelamurray2725
    @angelamurray2725 Pƙed rokem

    Story 2, not really about witty words, But at a catholic funeral, my husband (not catholic), says to me after communion, Did you hear someone ringing the bell. Don’t they know it’s a funeral. I was trying very hard not to let anyone see me laughing at my uncles funeral. I did tell my Aunt and cousins after when we were at the wake. 😂 My husband recently had started work where another uncle worked, he was night shift and my Uncle day shift. My uncle’s boss asked him if it was the same funeral as my husband using his full name. My uncle said I don’t know him. His wife said that A husband. Ohh right he said😅

  • @zacharysiple629
    @zacharysiple629 Pƙed rokem

    15:11 As a film buff, that was hilarious. :)

  • @Foyay_Red
    @Foyay_Red Pƙed rokem +1

    8:41 ok Walter white

  • @lenee8959
    @lenee8959 Pƙed rokem

    Dude I agree! I love Shakespeare’s stuff.

  • @TheAndostro
    @TheAndostro Pƙed rokem

    my teacher said "if you don't have constitusion with yourself you gonna get the 1 (worst score here)" my answear "miss you gonna give 1 to entire UK" i've got 5 for great knowlage and joke others get nothing so everyone was happy

  • @alexmcd378
    @alexmcd378 Pƙed rokem

    Actually, where did you get that shirt? It's great and I want one!

  • @platnumring7568
    @platnumring7568 Pƙed rokem

    At least you majored in somethin Mainly Facts heck only thing i major in is always bein a screw up.

  • @user-lv3hs1zi3u
    @user-lv3hs1zi3u Pƙed rokem +1

    this is my story but to see me as not a jerk you need background . So my older sister is my worst bully treating me like a slave to her and would hit me anytime I annoyed her which me breathing annoyed her . our dad is separated form are mom I still visit him but she stopped so he stopped talking to her over text he contacts me only to see what day he was picking me up . Note it was her chose not to come to his house he wanted to see her but she said no . so you can see the am image . on to the story one day i was arguing with her when she called me a bratty bich so not thing I snap back atlest i see both my parents ! she then hit me I said sorry a bunch after.

  • @clapped-cheeks
    @clapped-cheeks Pƙed rokem

    the second one was so out of pocket 😭

  • @juanorozco1971
    @juanorozco1971 Pƙed rokem

    Now idk if my stories are gonna be considered witty or just plain mean but here we go.
    Story 1 this was in 8th grade history class me & my friends use to clown each other & nothing was off limits besides dead relatives so 1 of those friends had a lazy eye & I walk a bit bow legged so we were going at it & he said man you're so gay you can't even walk straight with out even a second guess I said can you look at me when I'm talking to you. Every1 started laughing except him.
    Story 2 took place when I was about 21 I worked a graveyard shift job again me & my friends use to clown each other again had 1 in particular that we always went in on each other. Now I forgot exactly what he said but at the time I had a pencil thin chin strap beard & mustache goatee with sideburns & he made a joke about it. Now this guy was nicknamed plastico Spanish for plastic because he had to get skin grafted on to his chest & had a glass eye idk why because I heard a few different stories 1 was a motorcycle accident another that hed been shot with a shot gun. Anyways my comeback was in Spanish but basically it translated to hey thats not what your mom meant by keep an eye on the beans. Only in Spanish it sounds more savage because echale un ojo en los frijoles if you translate it word for word it says toss an eye in the beans but you actually mean keep an eye on them or take a look at them

  • @icelandiclegend1
    @icelandiclegend1 Pƙed rokem

    my teacher was telling us about how her first pet was called sloppy joe. a popular girl turned around to the nerd, in true middle school humor, said "you're a sloppy joe". she, the nerd, turns around immediately and goes "well you're a sloppy hoe."
    edit: poor grammar

  • @zacharysiple629
    @zacharysiple629 Pƙed rokem

    13:56 I've heard that story before- LOL! :)

  • @therubyminecart5291
    @therubyminecart5291 Pƙed rokem

    My best comeback line came in 9th grade, my English teacher (I'll just call her Gia for the sake of confidentiality)
    Gia had asked what we were going to do and my immature guy classmate Tyler, I forgot what he said but I replied with "That's the best idea you've come up with all year." And I was met with oooohs from my whole class and I was definitely embarrassed after that, I hope that story still gets told someday though.

  • @islandblind
    @islandblind Pƙed 10 měsĂ­ci

    I don't know if this is funny, but, one time a friend came up with "bite me," to which I responded, "then I'd have to wash my mouth out with Drano."

  • @174SElArgentino
    @174SElArgentino Pƙed rokem

    3:38 It caused a few WHAT?! â€ŒïžđŸ’ŻđŸ“łđŸ˜±đŸ’€

  • @zacharysiple629
    @zacharysiple629 Pƙed rokem

    (NSFW below)
    I went to a technical (trade) school, basically a college for people with disabilities like autism. I had 2 comebacks that shocked my classmates:
    1. My classmates swore often, and people like me were always like: "Hey, you can't talk that on the job, so don't do that here."
    Well one day, a kid got frustrated about something and said "G*d D*mn it!" I'm a Christian, so I don't like hearing that. I sternly said: "Hey, please don't take God's name in vain!"
    The classmate puffed up and said: "Well, it's fine for me because I don't believe in God!" Without missing a beat, I snapped back: "WELL, IF GOD DOESN'T EXIST, IT'S KIND OF HARD FOR HIM TO D*MN IT, ISN'T IT?"
    The whole class just sat there in dead silence for a minute.
    2. Our class had 2 semesters, and when you were in the second semester, you taught the first semester kids. One day, when I was in the first, a 2nd semester kid was eating a candy bar in class, and he pretended to give it oral sex.
    The class giggled. I didn't approve, as he was supposed to be our example, but I ignored it and went back to work.
    A moment later, a kid looked at his candy bar and said: "Wow, you've hardly eaten any of your candy bar in this time!" He responded with: "Well, I'm savoring it." I dryly replied: "Oh, I'm sure you are."
    The whole class gaped at me, and the candy bar kid was like: "Zach, that was NOT okay!" I instantly replied: "Well, EXCUSE ME, but I'm not the one who just gave a candy bar a BL*W J*B!"
    Everyone screamed in shock, but then we moved on with class. :)

  • @iamtherealsentaliium
    @iamtherealsentaliium Pƙed rokem

    8:25 ah yes megan fun of people

  • @Habik2
    @Habik2 Pƙed rokem

    Hear me out Mr. Facts you should do a video on “what is your extremely unpopular opinion” Please and thank you

    • @ked49
      @ked49 Pƙed rokem

      You know someone has to ask the question in ask Reddit first. Also there are many problems that might arise

  • @clapped-cheeks
    @clapped-cheeks Pƙed rokem

    WOW the teacher in 17 knows his stuff 😆

  • @prestonlogan3808
    @prestonlogan3808 Pƙed rokem

    8:14 why is there a random zero in the middle of the os

  • @dakotasan8719
    @dakotasan8719 Pƙed rokem

    I am not witty. At all. Best I got is making a friend bust a gut, he showed up with “What’s up you sugar-frosted f*cks?” To which I responded, without missing a beat “Not much you Kentucky-Fried F*ck.” He was laughing for like five minutes straight. I’m pretty sure it was moreso the timing than anything else

  • @theokkali467
    @theokkali467 Pƙed rokem

    3:37 blud technically said the n word hard r 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

  • @SAlt057
    @SAlt057 Pƙed rokem

    Not really a good roast but everyone calls me emo and some kid who was wearing green hoodie walked up to me and said why you dressed all emo without missing a beat I said why do you look like a broccoli and everyone was like ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  • @hyperslash2144
    @hyperslash2144 Pƙed rokem

    Some are savage😂😂

  • @MysteriumArcanum
    @MysteriumArcanum Pƙed rokem

    This one is a bit NSFW and it's not really a comeback as I said it unprompted but I'll share anyway because it was funny. A few years ago a friend of mine was using his teeth to strip wires on the new car stereo he was installing and thus he had to spit out the plastic covering the wires so without missing a beat I said "huh, I always thought you swallowed". We both had a good laugh about it and parted ways. Sadly some time later he took his own life after he caught his wife cheating on him.

  • @JoyBoy0606
    @JoyBoy0606 Pƙed rokem

    "Who could possibly make fun of me?"
    Your mustache is wider than your mouth.
    Edit: No offense, its all in good fun. Keep doing what you do brother.

  • @axelotl9812
    @axelotl9812 Pƙed rokem

    You said “who could ever make fun of me?”
    I would never :)
    You’re amazing looking my friend
    You’re rockin’ that look manđŸ€ŒđŸŒ
    Also
    12:27
    That would be my response
    If any 12 year old girl or boy comes up to me asking for my number imma respond with that lmao
    (Why did i say girl or boy? Because i dont wanna reveal my gender :b

  • @isaiahballantyne6111
    @isaiahballantyne6111 Pƙed rokem

    You sticking up for the people getting what they deserve, seems like you were that guy before, if they deserve it then they deserve it

  • @Johnnyisme12
    @Johnnyisme12 Pƙed rokem

    Omg real person

  • @liwiathan
    @liwiathan Pƙed rokem

    No it's dour not dower

  • @RandomTrinidadian
    @RandomTrinidadian Pƙed rokem

    Jesus Christ: My dad is stronger than your dad.
    Me: My dad married my mom before he got her pregnant

    • @TheRealMichaelMyers-p4e
      @TheRealMichaelMyers-p4e Pƙed rokem

      Good attempt, but God and Jesus are the same person. A+ for creativity, though!

    • @ked49
      @ked49 Pƙed rokem

      @@TheRealMichaelMyers-p4etechnically yes and no. The son, father, and Holy Spirit are different but are all connected. So referring to the father when meaning the son can be considered false and vice versa

    • @TheRealMichaelMyers-p4e
      @TheRealMichaelMyers-p4e Pƙed rokem

      @@ked49 i see

  • @Futurecookie-xu3jp
    @Futurecookie-xu3jp Pƙed rokem

    Not first, but 705th

  • @TheGreatOne16439
    @TheGreatOne16439 Pƙed rokem

    Dude your ad libbing after a good story is not only lame but interrupts the momentum of the video. Can you make your ad libbings a little shorter? Or better yet make none at all?

  • @dragons_breath.
    @dragons_breath. Pƙed rokem +1

    Good day Mr Facts! Glad to see you in another video :>.