Can Anxious Avoidant Relationships Actually Work?
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
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How to Build a Lasting Relationship Between Anxious and Avoidant Partners:
Have you ever been in a relationship between an anxious partner and an avoidant partner and had it blow up in your face? You might be wondering if it's even possible to make love work between these two attachment styles, or if it's just doomed to heartbreak and loss every single time.
I'm Adam Lane Smith, the Attachment Specialist, and I will tell you-it can work because I've seen it happen. I have helped hundreds of my coaching clients build fulfilling romantic relationships for life. I've developed systems that make it happen, and today, I'm going to show you how to build romance between an anxious partner and an avoidant partner.
In this video, I'll teach you the exact steps to make these patterns work. It's not obvious because the instincts of the anxious person often drive the avoidant person away. But with the right approach, it's possible to create a fulfilling, secure relationship.
What You'll Learn:
Why anxious and avoidant partners often clash.
How to understand and manage each partner’s needs.
The importance of creating a shared goal and language.
Techniques to foster mutual understanding and stability.
Practical steps to build a secure, lasting bond.
If you’ve been the anxious person or the avoidant person, stop experimenting on your own. Time is limited, and the wrong approach can lead to heartache and misery. Let me guide you to success.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Do Avoidants Care When...
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Building Romance between an Anxious and Avoidant Partner
00:01:36 - The Toxicity of Anxious and Avoidant Relationships
00:03:08 - Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Dynamics
00:04:39 - The Avoidant-Anxious Relationship Cycle
00:06:09 - Creating a Shared Goal
00:07:35 - Speaking the Language of Risk Assessment
00:09:06 - Building Stability in Relationships
00:10:40 - The How to Love an Avoidant Man Video Course
00:12:09 - Fixing the "Avoidant" Pattern
00:13:35 - Watch it immediately
Can you do a video on how to turn situationship into a committed relationship? Because a lot of clear communication strategies you mentioned here are difficult to be used unless both parties agrees that they are building a serious relationship. But the avoidant would think "Oh this is too much work, I think it's better to just go with the flow and be chill and casual, we can just be friends (probably friend with benefit)."
I will definitely plan for that and start crafting a video specifically for that. just stay tuned
@@AttachmentAdam Thank you!
Some Christian men don’t even get the “benefits” yet keep commitment out of reach. I’d love to hear what Adam says about that as well.
@@JenGrice Yeah I've also see some avoidant man and especially avoidant women who is basically not interesting in intimacy so they hangout with people just like friends but never even dare taking a step further and of course have no sense of commitment so they get bored and leave very quickly too.
I gave up, what is meant to be will be. Life is beautiful❤
My dilema... do nothing n have this mentality "if its meant to be it will be" OR do i take action/keep trying to increase my odds?? 😅😭
That's a great mindset to have! Sometimes trusting in the process can lead to unexpected joys.❤
Back in the day, anxious people were encouraged to give avoidants as much space as possible. I sat my avoidant down and asked him what was the frequency he wanted to met up and the most he could tolerate me. He said once a month, when i was hoping for once a week. So we met for once a month for half a year, i gave him as much space as he could want and waited for him to initiate more while i worked on being independent. He never did. I realized that men dont fall in love just by giving them space. I became independent and strong and saw that i didnt need him anymore and since he refused to be monogamous i dated and found a better guy. He is still alone to this day. He never dated again after me. I wonder if i continued to see him if we would have improved but i doubt it. I wonder what would have happened if i asked to meet weekly instead of monthly after 6 months of me giving him space. Knowing him he would probably want to bump it down to every other month.
I’m so sorry to hear that you broke up with your last boyfriend however, I’m so happy that you have finally found a better man who actually met your needs because as I could see, you have been searching for something specific and eventually you found it with him
You have reminded me of the work of Erica Komisar. I stumbled on to her a few years ago, then my husband got sick, and I forgot until now. She started researching on this because she was so concerned about the amount of children she saw in her practice, who were so aggressive and/or emotionally disassociated. Her work 100% supports what you're saying, although I don't remember her ever talking about vasoppressin. (That's been so helpful learning about that, thank you.) I've just finished watching a webinar with her from 4 years ago, 'Work and Family Life Integration in the First Three Years'.
Thank you for sharing! It's interesting how Erica Komisar's work aligns with what I discussed. I'm glad the information about vasopressin was helpful for you. The webinar sounds insightful-I'm sure it provided valuable perspectives on work and family life integration during those critical early years.
@AttachmentAdam Yes, it's excellent. She also explains the connections between attachment and mental health. We never had children, but I worked in a daycare and preschool, and there were days my heart was shredded over the heartbreak of the little ones there who were left for hours and hours. I made it a priority to be as empathetic and physically affectionate as I could be. Your work is so valuable to help explain how important those early years are, and to give us all hope, that repairs can be made as well! 💚
Okay, I was insecure for 38 years of my life, I usually acted anxiously and formed weak bonds (based on massive love-bombing, self-deceit and sex/lust) with equally anxious or deeply traumatized partners (victims of sexual assaults, usually sex workers or models/actresses; we didn’t have social media back then, now most of my exes might avoid the dark path and become influencers). Until I met an avoidant girl who was 17 years younger. This was the first time I got caught in this twisted dynamics. I made many mistakes, lost her trust and herself (she left me for good 2 months before wedding). Since then relations with avoidant girls became my worst and sweetest poison. I can’t live without being ignored or left read. I choose the most troubled, most dismissive girls in the world. Sometimes I cross the ocean to meet my new queen (I literally did that recently, I couldn’t go to Russia, she had no chances getting US visa, so we met in Tokyo… only to part in 7 days cause she felt overwhelmed. Oh, she’s also a drug addict and most beautiful girl alive to me.) And you know what? Only through this challenges I understood how miserable my life was. How I always ended up caught in fantasy. How deeply I was controlled by my anxiety, unprocessed emotions and wounded childish ego. This was a death and reborn, painful yet purifying. I now truly believe that to break a cycle of toxic unfulfilling relations - you must first enter that cycle. Without heed, without lies, without hope - this is how you grow up. I thank you, Adam, and all the people who kept saying love can endure anything. Well, maybe love can’t. But a living person can. Anxious-avoidant dynamics is the worst and the best thing that can happen to us, insecure people. Hang on, brother, hang on, sister. And let’s meet in the middle of this road
Thank you for these honest words and sharing with us your story that was really inspirational and if you ever need any help, please email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
I'm following your advice to the absolute word, not putting any stress on my avoidant friend. It seems to be working 💪
It's wonderful to hear that it's bringing positive results! Patience and understanding can really make a difference in relationships. Let me know how it goes!👍
@@AttachmentAdam it definitely can, he's made me realise my own damaging behaviours. It's a paradox because we can either heal eachother or become worst enemies. I value him as a person so I've been willing to let go of the intimacy and closeness in favour of just learning and being there for eachother. He has opened up in ways I haven't seen before. He's a genuinely good person who's gone through alot and doesn't trust people.
@@AttachmentAdam yes you have been 80% responsible for the change in our situation. I'm so glad I didn't listen to other "therapists" when I was going through a discard.
Thanks for sharing. I’ve try to be more secure since the past 2 years, I grow up in a dysfunctional family which my parent is terrible at communication their needs , my dad neglects and my mom was abusive and also tried to kill herself a couple times.. they never validate my feelings and I was not allowed to cry nor being frustrated.
I’m usually an avoidant girlfriend and I think my ex is mostly secured. However, I feel like when he’s not sharing his thought and emotions with me I can become the anxious one. My current bf is anxious style, he needs constant validation and just create bad scenarios in his head whenever I need space from him…. I just feel suffocating sometimes… I want to love and be loved and I wish I could master how to become secure and have a secure partner. I just not sure how I feel about things sometimes and I don’t know what to say when the other person is not sharing the emotion connection or when they go crazy even when I just want to take a walk by myself or go to see friends by myself… I think instead of teaching us what not to do, it’s better to teach us how to response to common scenario and what to do/say to our partner to comfort them while setting our boundaries.
I wish you well!
That's a lot to unpack, and it sounds like you've been through a lot. It's great that you're working on becoming more secure.
Please feel free to reach out to me through suport@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss this in private and in more detail. I'd be happy to help in any way I can.
what is the background between disorganized and avoidant attatchment people like?
Thank you!❤
Happy to help! Which part was the most helpful?
@3:19 that sums up my relationship with my boyfriend to a TEE right now. Been together for 1 year. He's trying so hard to move out right now so he can live alone, but still date me. And I am acting just like this. It's nuts!!!
Do you feel strongly about living together in a relationship? And have you discussed the potential challenges of an LAT relationship?
What about fearful and dismissive? I'm super curious because i know the anxious side can crawl out and scare a dismissive
Lol I already know what my DA would say about weekly checkins… he’d just start not showing up
What if you suggested activities you both enjoy, creating opportunities for connection without feeling forced?
We have the Avoidant Course and are still following and learning from that, but in this video for your first rule of thumb is to have shared goals. Neither of us have a desire to have children or otherwise build a family legacy. What other goals could couples have other than wanting to be happy and otherwise fulfilled in our monogamous relationship for the rest of our lives?
Wanting the best out of your relationship could really have many different aspects and really beautiful goals so if you need any help to find that please email me at support@adamlanesmith.com
Yes, divorced and both have our own children - I wouldnt want more
I have question. can my and Stephen history and past dating turn into emontinal cheating or not if i was dating Morgan? Is it emotional cheating or not?
So exactly the pattern made those 2 people connect: the anxious feels secure at that person, and the avoidant gets recognition for all the thing she gave. Typically that is the pattern man are anxious, who still make a good career and independent, brave. And woman are the avoidant, who need a strong partner. Once the need for a strong partner is finished, woman initiate fight.
That's an interesting perspective. Can you think of ways couples with these styles could build a healthier dynamic?
First 🎉🥇
🤣👍
Adam, in my broken relationship I was/am the anxious partner. My ex-wife was/is the avoidant. Can you speak into that? Thanks!
It’s true that a minority of women do have theavoidant style, and there are a lot of anxious men who love them. Sounds like that relationship unraveled for you, and I’m sorry to hear that. What topic in particular would you like to hear spoken about in that area?
How can an anxious avoidant husband love/work with a fearful avoidant wife. We always believed my ex’s mother is/was BPD. My ex was also sexually abused on 2 separate occasions by her uncle. Those factors alone make for a very difficult marriage. Not to mention my growing up with a covert narcissist for a father. Always checking the temperature to make sure it was safe. An emotional dysfunctional mess.
Wouldn't cortisol lowering supplements assist, initially?
What can do sir,i was loving with a avoidant man but he can't move on with his past relationship,how can deal with this situation..?what can i do ..i was truly love with him last 8month , sometimes he was spend time ,and he go down and he feel that time sad stay away from me now he said relationship is not going to work and he is not okey because he is not move on what can i do..Sir please help me 🥺i want him back ..
This is a tough situation, and it's clear you care for him deeply. I encourage you to reach me through support@adamlanesmith.com to discuss this in private and in more detail. I'll be happy to offer guidance and share helpful resources.
I wish I could afford to work with you 😭 I need serious help.
Please feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com so that I can help you
@AttachmentAdam We already spoke through email. I don't have the funds at this time but I think you are great at what you do.
As a dude I totally get what you're saying but here's the issue: In general women are mostly emotional creatures and it is difficult for them to have a linear pattern of thought like you and I have for example. This all makes sense to us men but the emotions, very fluid inside a woman's brain, will sabotage this approach in many cases. Logic makes sense but not when how they feel in a certain minute is what determines their response. Very challenging, what is your approach when her emotions trample your logic and will to achieve good results?
In this case, first look at how much discipline a woman has over her emotions. It’s not up to you to keep her disciplined and make her be reasonable. Make sure you’re connecting with women who have the emotional discipline to engage in logical conversation with you. That is absolutely step one.
I think this is such a great question! My current relationship has shown me that I have an anxious attachment style and he has an avoidant one. I’ve learned that men in general, are usually, much more logical than women. I have acted on my emotions and have let them control me without even realizing it. I feel so selfish for it too because I’ve reacted with only MY thoughts and feelings in mind. It’s typically after the incident where I put myself in his shoes and realize it. So.. I am truly working on it, and have gotten better about it, but I was really only able to start keeping my emotional responses disciplined with my own self reflection and realizing it through these types of videos what I lack/struggle with in the relationship. I’m more susceptible to “criticism now” but I was so bad at becoming extremely defensive if my boyfriend even mentioned what I did or tried to correct me. Still a work in progress though. 😅
@@kharv4480 Just the fact you recognize this characteristic - which is not a flaw at all - in yourself is a huge positive step. And also being able to identify the "come from" in the other person is also very important and useful, as it allows us to think a bit before reacting, this for both men and women.
@@AD-hh6dd Agreed and I don't think emotion is to be condemned but it has to be used consciously. As we get older it becomes easier to pick the battles wisely. As I've replied before, detecting the "come from" is key. Then it becomes easier to be ride or die with your significant other instead of risking it becoming ride and die lol
@@AD-hh6ddagree. Men THINK they are more logical but avoidants 100% react from subconscious emotions. Just bc they aren’t aware they are acting from their feelings bc they are out of touch with their feelings - doesn’t mean they are acting/reacting logically.
Does vassopressin bonding apply to highly avoidant females as well?
Great question. I encourage you to check out my video titled 'How to Love an Avoidant Woman' where I explain the neurobiology of avoidant attachment in women in detail. Let me know if this helps.
So an anxious person can’t chase or pursue the avoidant and the avoidant thinks staying away is best😳whaaaa?
Yes exactly!