Main problem is that the Betraying partner is NOT watching these videos. I can feel validated by what you're saying, but my ultimate need is for spouse to get this, to understand it, to really SEE ME. The betrayer is not even curious about the damage done.
Some betraying partners (if they're trying to help their partner heal and work toward developing empathy for their partner's experience) will watch these videos.
@@KristinSnowdenwhat if they watch this and manipulate me in believing they’re remorseful and apologetic and what not just to quickly get back to status quo and pretend nothing happened?
@@maryokon7068 that’s a legitimate concern and goodness knows there are a lot of addicts/betrayers who appear to change but it’s more to avoid consequences, not change based on remorse and desire to own what they’ve done, how they’ve harmed, and really work to change the way they think, operate, and live. That’s why I encourage betrayed partners to work with other betrayed partners and trained professionals to help them hone their instincts, intuition, and provide them the love and support they need to hold boundaries and consequences. It’s true, we can all be deceived but sometimes (not all the time) we can tell the difference between someone just “going through the motions” vs someone who’s changing everything about themselves (their thought process, their ability to put you and the relationship as a top priority, working hard to repair harm done, etc)
You are so right! I wanted my ex to realize how typical his behavior was of a man going through a midlife crisis. It was as though I craved his understanding of himself! I don’t think he ever watched any of the videos I sent to him nor do I think he ever realized how ridiculous he was and looked and behaved.
Hurt people will hurt people. My ex is a hurt person. My happiness and genuine good heart was unreal to him. I was even accused of cheating. I couldn't take the one track mind anymore.
Cheating is ultimately all about the person who cheats. It's 100% a selfish activity. Because they don't think about anybody but themselves while they're doing it.
Yes, agree. And Betrayal they only think about themselves. Whether hiding drug use, or porn. The secrets are betrayal. My partner was hiding this, both things. It crushed me.
This video is very insightful. My ex gaslighted me into believing that I was culpable for her cheating, the worst part is that I believed her and lost my sense of self for a long time. 6 yrs later, I still have trouble trusting people, causing me to sabotage any connection I make with anyone
I've been dealing with my boyfriends porn addiction for two years now... I feel angry he lied to my face and let our sex life die due to his problem.. I hate porn and the hold it has on people.. I made it clear that when we first started dating porn is not welcome.. He has made me feel crazy and made me feel like I was the issue when all I did was put up with his problems.. I've been thinking maybe it's time to maybe let him find someone who has his addiction.. I'm struggling alone with my depression long enough without him being the partner I needed. While being the partner he needed but just made me feel less than and out second to porn. I'm just tired of being lied to and living in constant stress..
I am from Panamá and i got married to a 61 yo canadian and i found he has that addiction, i have endured so many humiliation and rudeness from him everytime when i tried to tell him i was no going to accept that in my marriage, i have forgiven him 4th time that i cant trust in his word of repentance anymore...i am so sad and traumatized...i live in an endless sadness...i don't smile anymore, i don't enjoy and see the life good anymore...i am devastated..😢
Hi, I know exactly how you feel, but my husband is more of a sex addict. I’ve caught him 4 times cheating on me and I’d love to be able to say it was only 4 women, the second time I busted him was very devastating. First I never ever thought he’d cheat on me! But, he’s sick, he has some past trauma he never dealt with and with that he seeked out sex thru Craigslist, prostitutes, massage parlors, neighbors and friends and the 2nd time I caught him, he’d been with 34 women, (that I know if, could be more) and just recently I busted him, he was having sex with a mutual friend of ours. I feel totally numb, depressed, no energy, I’m clearly not happy and theirs no joy anymore. We did a 3 day workshop that was focused on infidelity and it helped at the time, but we still have a lot of work to do. I’m going to tell him if he doesn’t seek help and stay with it, he’s going to have to move out. If he does this again, I don’t think I’ll survive it. I did find out about an injection they can give people with PTSD and it works immediately , it’s called SGB ( Stellate Ganglion Block)they’ve been using it in war Vets and 70% of them have got positive results and some immediately after the injection. It’s worth looking into if you have PTSD, my doctor is looking for someone to give it to me, I can’t wait, I just want me back. I haven’t felt myself in many years. Good luck to you!!!
I fournd this video therapeutic and the best explanation I've heard of the emotions involved; wish I understood this earlier on. My wife is an alcoholic who went to 7 inpatient rehabs. over a 2-year period and relapses within days after each rehab. Blamed everyone for her issues (especially me). I did my best to make it work as we had young girls. I finally could not take it as I felt she was going to take us all down with her. I filed for divorce after Rehab. #3. At the end of the day I decided leaving her was the best option, especially for the girls. Alcohol addiction is a brutal disease as I saw her transform from a school teacher and loving mother to a person I could not even recognize.
Struggling to stay safe is so painfully harmful, I remember repeatedly when my only goal was how do I keep everyone safe? Now I know the fact that that was the goal of my decision making over and over, was just wrong in and of itself.
This is very helpful to me. I’ve divorced my spouse but have chosen to support him through his 12 step process and I myself participate in the family support group arm of 12 step. You mention the betrayed feeling unsafe and uncertain in other future situations after being harmed by a spouse’s actions…this is true for me and was helpful to have that feeling validated. I also experience my spouse quietly explaining his new healthier decisions and behaviors in detail to me. I thought this was unnecessary for me, but now I see why it is helpful to him. He’s working to be someone he wasn’t before. Thank you. Those are just a few of many helpful things I pulled from your video.
You are amazing. So accurate. Wish my husband would take your words to heart.i love him and dont want to lose what we could have, but i have hurt and waited on him to come around for so long. How much longer can my heart wait and hurt before i give up on him for good 😢
Thanks I do cover some of this in my Life Anonymous book and workshop. www.kristinsnowden.com/service-page/life-anonymous-the-live-workshop-1?referral=service_list_widget
Kristen, thank you for doing this video. It hits home with a good message, to me, on the trauma I have caused my wife. You are very right, at 22:22 of the video, when you point out my betrayed partner felt the full brunt of my behavior, even more-so than I did, because they did not have protective mechanisms in place to protect themselves from hard or difficult feelings the way I have been able to. Overcoming this emotional block, in me, has been one of my main focuses for my own healing, and this video helped. But this video also magnifies the importance of putting my wife's healing over and above my own.
Thank you for your humbleness and vulnerability. I’m glad you’re willing to educate yourself and learn the paths toward healing for both you and your partner. Wishing you both the best.
@@KristinSnowden Thank you so much for the kind words. It's because of people like you putting out content like this that I am where I am. One other thing I'd love to mention. I always make clips of videos in parts that really speak to me. I could not do that on your video. I understand it's a setting that allows others to make clips. I'd really appreciate if you would consider turning on this setting because absorbing a one hour video is tough, but having a few one minute clips, which also work great as bookmarks, is very powerful. Thanks.
Hi. I completely understand how cutting these videos down into soundbites can be very helpful. I'm currently working on creating timestamps on older videos to provide that to others. However, I have that setting turned off due to the sensitive nature of the content I cover in these videos. I know your intentions are to provide a helpful service to others, but sometimes my words or video content can be taken out of context. Maybe if I better understand how you intend to use the sound bites, I could consider adjusting my stance on that....
@@KristinSnowden Thanks for the open minded response and for helping me understand your view on allowing clips. I can understand your position, for, as you said, your content is sensitive. I personally only make clips for my own use. I do sometimes share them with someone else who i think would benefit. Clips are kind of like a superpowered bookmark in a book. When I am listening to a podcast and something really speaks to me I'll make a clip for later review. With a 1 minute max it captures the idea and brings me to the spot in the video when I am reviewing clips. Like most people I am not a slow learner I am a quick forgetter 😜 Very few videos don't allow this feature and I listen to a lot of sensitive podcasts. (almost exclusively for where I am in life). With your videos I have to just do notes the old fashioned way (which isn't a bad thing). Don't do anything you are uncomfortable with just for me. I'm not sure how many people research as deeply as I do. They probably don't have as much work to do on themselves as I do. I have a lot of past history to... reform ☺️ As I said previously, I am just happy there is content out there like yours changing lives. God bless you Kristen, you are storing up treasure in heaven 🥇🪙🥇
I wish I could hate my ex for this but I don’t. He cheated on me for 13 years, and I lived in hell because of it. He is now married with a son and I pray he has changed.
So what if the betrayer says that he did these things because his childhood trauma? He thinks that he didn't have a choice of having affairs. I don't belive that. Allow us go through childhood trauma, and we don't all have affairs! Or cheat, and lie, and gaslight. What do you think?
As my lovely cohost tami would say “that’s a reason, not an excuse”. It’s important to realize the hurt and pain that drove our bad choices. But it does not entitle to you do those bad things and it does not excuse them. When you lie, hurt others,live out of line with your values and goals, there are consequences and hopefully if the person wants to change there will be responsibility, accountability, and change for the better. 🤞🏻
Yes, they could be bi polar and haven't been diagnosed. My wife had an affair after almost 20 years of marriage, she finally confessed to me and went straight into a psychotic episode. I think the guilt was eating her alive. She just wasn't the cheating kind. When she told me about the affair I almost didn't believe her. Infidelity is a hallmark symptom of bi polar disorder, and she was also diagnosed with schizophrenia, the poor girl didn't even stand a chance.
@@KristinSnowden She passed away 5 weeks ago, she dropped all of her main meds within a month and went manic again, she decided to get laid while I was at work and ended up having a heart attack at her lover's house.
. I met a boy when I was 6 years old and when we got of age we started dating. He was my high school sweetheart. Except the sweetheart part was more that of an abusive cheater. I was innocent and unpopular and he was with the crowd that would drink on the weekends etc. I had a 10 pm curfew and he had no parents around most of the time. He broke my heart so many times but I would move on and start seeing someone else and all of a sudden the abusive monster wanted me again. Or he just didn’t want me with anyone else. I became so quietly enraged at how he hurt me that we cut ties for several years and met again in our mid twenties. Except we switched roles. He was me begging for love and I did everything possible to hurt him, and I’m not proud of it… and now we’re both addicts and going nowhere… apart
This is not about you fixing anything or a test of endurance to see if you win some self-designed contest or bet. If you don't realize that the person who has walked out on you (physically, emotionally or in other ways) does not have YOUR best interest at heart then you are that person who is sitting alone in a ship with a hole at the bottom but you keep hoping you will make it to the shore and don't realize you are actually sinking. Grab a Lifeboat and get out. You cannot FIX anyone. They have to do it themselves. And they have to WANT to do it too and prove it with their actions not just more words.
Being betrayed one time or a hundred times makes no difference. One time should wake you up to the fact,that they don’t view you as a part of them. Meaning that they aren’t a partner, you are just an accessory. True partners don’t need to cheat because they can communicate with their partner about their needs and feelings.
True. They don't even have to communicate. They just have a solid, steady heart that does not sway or stray just because of the other person's selfish decisions. Even though I have been betrayed and cheated on I know I will still not cheat or betray another human being let alone my spouse (if I marry again). Makes no sense to me. You don't allow others to change your character and moral values. It is as Simple as that. Period.
Years and years of betrayal with porn and alcohol addiction, promising he'd never do it again, for more than a decade always doing that and exploding and breaking things, telling me how unattractive I am and disgusting my body is after I have him 4 kids, raping me, etc.... after 14.5y stepped out. And now he's weaponizing this video Against me. Please let me hear one of the videos addressing the turmoil and damage an abusive partner causes.
Sure. Here’s one on how addiction and infidelity are emotionally abusive: Are Infidelity and Addiction Abusive to Loved Ones? czcams.com/video/XYbDoSGBlJk/video.html
He was the one that was acting out. I set a boundary, never telling him what to do, but before we dated I was very clear that this type of addic is a no go for me. He took 6 months, and supposedly healed, did stop as he stated it was because of his last marriage that he used. He was happy and clear and focused. Then one year ago he went back to it. Hid it from me. Again, I never asked anyone to stop,, I clearly stated I can't be in a relationship with people that do Y or X for example. He is a kind partner, a devoted, and loyal partner, but I can stomach lies. I feel so betrayed. and again he makes promises, with sincerity. How can I trust this?
If he crosses the line on e, he'll cross or again because what he is doing is testing your boundaries and seeing if you will stand your ground or give in. *Don't bother setting boundaries if you are going to let people cross it.* By doing so you are turning your own words into a Joke.
The important question is what do YOU want to do when your partner doesn’t want to take the steps to help you heal and rebuild trust after he lies and betrays you? You can ask a bunch of people advice but it’s really about what you’re willing and able to do. What boundaries do you want to set? What are the consequences? What are you willing to follow through on? These are very difficult questions to answer because they are often so life-altering and painful.
@@KristinSnowden it is very painful, and scary. I set boundaries, but he doesn't abide by them. We have a daughter that has a heart condition. I don't work anymore because I take care of her. If I leave him I won't have money or health insurance for her.
@@KristinSnowden I want you to know that I'm deeply thankful for you replying to me. I would love to take some of your courses, I just can't afford it. 😥
I left, because I knew I would end up sick. The emotional pain and stress was getting unbearable. I began having intense migraines that went away after I left.
I have to accept that this resonates with me…. I had many hidden behaviors I was using to cope with my insecurity when the relationship was becoming unsafe and we both became deceitful viewing eachother as an enemy . I saw the things I did as less than what I thought he did ie cheating so I minimizined my behaviors which I now see as as harmful to the relationship and how the person got scared thinking he never knew me atall … I’m sorry
The bottom line is that one can try to understand an addict’s behavior till the end of time but if you don’t end up leaving and cutting all ties, you are going to definitely end up mentally ill yourself because of them. Save your life and your sanity by leaving or stop complaining about the consequences if you stay.
My wife had an affair but from what I can figure is that she was doing it while I was at work and the kids were in school, so I never got to see the red flags. She would meet him and be back in time to pick up the kids from school and be home before I got home from work.
I’m so sorry. That is all so painful. I hope you’ve been able to find a supportive mens group. There are mens betrayed partner groups on sexandrelationshiphealing.com
@@KristinSnowden She actually died of a heart attack at her partners house 5 weeks ago. I didn't know about bipolar or hypersexuality until it was too late. That's why I'm here, maybe I can learn something and prevent myself from being in this nightmare again.
@@wizardofahhhs759 - Don't understand how adulterers are able to look at their children in the eye right after engaging in shameful and deceitful acts. There is MAJOR Cognitive Dissonance at play here. Self-Deception on top of Betraying others.
Some of my behaviors make more sense to you now. I was badly betrayed in my marriage several years ago and I started watching porn and flirting with women who I was not involved with and I didn't realize that I was so addicted to it until my current girlfriend started pointing it out to me. Now I suffered from 2 massive strokes and a brain bleed 6 years ago and they left me with partial brain damage and severe memory problems to the extent that sometimes I don't remember doing things that are hurting her and I am working on changing my behavior, because I truly love her and I don't want to hurt her, but sometimes it's more difficult to realize that I've done something hurtful or wrong, I could really use your help and advice.
It takes a lot of courage to admit and own your faults and shortcomings. I’d encourage you to go to SPAA or SAA (sex/porn addicts anonymous) in your area and engage some of sexandrelationshiphealing.com ‘s men’s groups. That will get you started in the right direction. Happy holidays and keep asking for help.
Thank you for being there !! I’m 2 years and 4 months into this betrayal trauma fraud m 30 years of secret porn addiction - he went to CSAP for 7 months an other therapy for a total of about a year. He wants recovery just by because ng nice to me. He is enmeshed with his mom and she treats in a not very respectful way - now I am reacting to her crummy treatment of me . He just does surface things for me for me but doesn’t seem to see her in a negative way - just me .
she would tell me about how much she loves me, wants to get married and have a kid it is all lies because everytime i try to make it real she runs away-just feel so betrayed, i was fully committed and wanted it all-hurts so much. If you ask her she will say its my fault :(
i was manic a betrayer of words and somone invited my fears that i created when i was 13 they were actual people people names that i knew i would know peopls names that i just made up there were 4 in total that were invited to the online near me in ears reach and i was going crazy am i a betrayer ? casue they all ended up dead or in jail
Hi, very hard to follow you, you are jumping around to different types, I lose who your speaking about. I noticed your very excited , reactive to subject matter. That is nice to see.
“Crappy things you’ve done in the past” - let’s get them in the past 1st. I find betrayed is always trying to talk about a single instance in the past to discount daily abuse
If there is daily abuse you should be LEAVING not staying or using that as an EXCUSE to cheat yourself. You have your own selfish motives for staying. Either that or you are lying about the abuse to justify your own betrayal.
Hi. Right now my private practice is full so the three ways to receive consultation from me would be 1) attend my free webinars, I have one this Wednesday at 9:30am PT 2) get my online relationship masterclass that includes one on one sessions 3) join my workshops. You can find these all on my website.
When I say something about a woman he knows he defends them and yells at me. That is why I know he is screwing them every chance he gets. He tells me I’m too old to ask if he is cheating. What kind of crap is that? I just have to tell him soon I’m getting my own place it’s not working . He is too into his friends and still living his damn high school days this shyt is sickening all of his friends are users but he doesn’t see it he is too into pleasing them. It’s weird!!
You cannot stay married to someone who believes he is still a teenager. You are wasting precious years of your life for a teenager who cares only about his own self not you.
YES. Pregnancy can push a betrayer FURTHER into a shame-betrayal spiral. As in, for example, if the man is the betrayer, and his wife gets pregnant, he can fall more deeply into negative behaviors such as porn, addiction, flirting, etc. Most men get worse when their wife get pregnant. And they disconnect…
@@nikisawyers7559 I meant in the pregnant person. Which was me. I was so mean to him until about 3 months ago when my hormones were back to normal. But we broke up almost a year ago. We didn’t even make it past the hard part of having a baby. Oh well I guess. Time to move on.
So then if my ex-wife brought porn into the marriage, told me the only way she was willing to show me love was sex, and when I wanted attention she would encourage porn use because she could not be bothered to divert any amount of attention to me unless it directly served her, who was the betrayer?
Both of you. You should have put your foot down and said NO and given her a warning to quit watching/talking about porn. If she had continued you should have let her go. That's what honorable Men and Women do. The fact that you didn't does make you complicit.
The fact, that the Non-Cheaters didn't suspect that their so call once faithful and beloved sexual partner was secretly a cheater, projects negative and questionable behavior of the faithful partner, ability to analized his/her reality., Non-cheaters tend to make themselves victims, instead of being truthful about their own behavior, actions towards the cheating partner., They need to ask themselves whether they forced themselves to cheater partner, or did they deceived/coerced/manipulate/tricked/con/deceived etc., Against the once faithful, beloved partner, who never wanted them in the 1st place but do to conflict of interest, they ended up together., Just being realistic.,
I am truly sorry for whatever you have experienced that has led you to believe that what you just described is the norm of a long-term relationship or marriage. I have never known anyone who wasn't deeply in love with their spouse. The vast majority of people do not get married because they have to, not in America anyway, why would they?
I’m disappointed. I felt this video could be helpful, but the mention of Richard Rohr invalidates the whole thing. Do a deep dive into this man, his retreats, his organization, and the umbrella it is under. The information you will find is disturbing.
Hi. I appreciate you watching and sharing. I’ve read a few of Richard rohrs books and listened to many of his podcasts but I admit I don’t know much about his retreats or organization. Regardless, i was curious to ask the following: does the mentioning of one persons name or one quote actually invalidate all of the content? Is it not possible to take from it what resonates and leave what doesn’t?
Wrong. There’s the type where the betrayal IS the point. I have seen all the above behaviors. Sure, he enjoyed his fun but he was deliberately hurting me.
You’d have to elaborate. What about that scenario? Did you both work to understand why sex was being withheld and how it was impacting you? Was there understanding around the breakdown of intimacy?
This is too bad, I thought you were going to explain their actions and the impact. I like your other videos, but remember who you are trying to reach. You are trying to put way too much in this. Very disjointed.
Main problem is that the Betraying partner is NOT watching these videos. I can feel validated by what you're saying, but my ultimate need is for spouse to get this, to understand it, to really SEE ME.
The betrayer is not even curious about the damage done.
Some betraying partners (if they're trying to help their partner heal and work toward developing empathy for their partner's experience) will watch these videos.
@@KristinSnowdenwhat if they watch this and manipulate me in believing they’re remorseful and apologetic and what not just to quickly get back to status quo and pretend nothing happened?
@@maryokon7068 that’s a legitimate concern and goodness knows there are a lot of addicts/betrayers who appear to change but it’s more to avoid consequences, not change based on remorse and desire to own what they’ve done, how they’ve harmed, and really work to change the way they think, operate, and live. That’s why I encourage betrayed partners to work with other betrayed partners and trained professionals to help them hone their instincts, intuition, and provide them the love and support they need to hold boundaries and consequences. It’s true, we can all be deceived but sometimes (not all the time) we can tell the difference between someone just “going through the motions” vs someone who’s changing everything about themselves (their thought process, their ability to put you and the relationship as a top priority, working hard to repair harm done, etc)
You are so right! I wanted my ex to realize how typical his behavior was of a man going through a midlife crisis. It was as though I craved his understanding of himself! I don’t think he ever watched any of the videos I sent to him nor do I think he ever realized how ridiculous he was and looked and behaved.
Hurt people will hurt people. My ex is a hurt person. My happiness and genuine good heart was unreal to him. I was even accused of cheating. I couldn't take the one track mind anymore.
Cheating is ultimately all about the person who cheats. It's 100% a selfish activity. Because they don't think about anybody but themselves while they're doing it.
Yes, agree. And Betrayal they only think about themselves. Whether hiding drug use, or porn. The secrets are betrayal. My partner was hiding this, both things. It crushed me.
It is ABUSE! And Crazy making!!! This makes me wanna cry!
When I forgave myself for loving them so much I let them hurt me. I started getting better immediately
Good for you!
This video is very insightful. My ex gaslighted me into believing that I was culpable for her cheating, the worst part is that I believed her and lost my sense of self for a long time. 6 yrs later, I still have trouble trusting people, causing me to sabotage any connection I make with anyone
We need to make it common practice check empathy levels before committing to marriage and children. There are ways.
Please share.
@@jopainting1668 functional MRI. Check out James Fallon author of The Psychopath Inside.
I made this mistake.You are so right.
I've been dealing with my boyfriends porn addiction for two years now... I feel angry he lied to my face and let our sex life die due to his problem.. I hate porn and the hold it has on people.. I made it clear that when we first started dating porn is not welcome.. He has made me feel crazy and made me feel like I was the issue when all I did was put up with his problems.. I've been thinking maybe it's time to maybe let him find someone who has his addiction.. I'm struggling alone with my depression long enough without him being the partner I needed. While being the partner he needed but just made me feel less than and out second to porn. I'm just tired of being lied to and living in constant stress..
Porn can really be a relationship destroyer. It should not be normalized. Hope you find yourself someone better!
Find someone else who will make you happy
Don't marry him. Your life will be even more hell of you do.
I am from Panamá and i got married to a 61 yo canadian and i found he has that addiction, i have endured so many humiliation and rudeness from him everytime when i tried to tell him i was no going to accept that in my marriage, i have forgiven him 4th time that i cant trust in his word of repentance anymore...i am so sad and traumatized...i live in an endless sadness...i don't smile anymore, i don't enjoy and see the life good anymore...i am devastated..😢
Hi,
I know exactly how you feel, but my husband is more of a sex addict. I’ve caught him 4 times cheating on me and I’d love to be able to say it was only 4 women, the second time I busted him was very devastating. First I never ever thought he’d cheat on me! But, he’s sick, he has some past trauma he never dealt with and with that he seeked out sex thru Craigslist, prostitutes, massage parlors, neighbors and friends and the 2nd time I caught him, he’d been with 34 women, (that I know if, could be more) and just recently I busted him, he was having sex with a mutual friend of ours. I feel totally numb, depressed, no energy, I’m clearly not happy and theirs no joy anymore. We did a 3 day workshop that was focused on infidelity and it helped at the time, but we still have a lot of work to do. I’m going to tell him if he doesn’t seek help and stay with it, he’s going to have to move out. If he does this again, I don’t think I’ll survive it.
I did find out about an injection they can give people with PTSD and it works immediately , it’s called SGB ( Stellate Ganglion Block)they’ve been using it in war Vets and 70% of them have got positive results and some immediately after the injection. It’s worth looking into if you have PTSD, my doctor is looking for someone to give it to me, I can’t wait, I just want me back. I haven’t felt myself in many years.
Good luck to you!!!
You have to shame the betrayal. They need to experience the hurt that they have introduced into your relationship.
💯
I fournd this video therapeutic and the best explanation I've heard of the emotions involved; wish I understood this earlier on. My wife is an alcoholic who went to 7 inpatient rehabs. over a 2-year period and relapses within days after each rehab. Blamed everyone for her issues (especially me). I did my best to make it work as we had young girls. I finally could not take it as I felt she was going to take us all down with her. I filed for divorce after Rehab. #3. At the end of the day I decided leaving her was the best option, especially for the girls. Alcohol addiction is a brutal disease as I saw her transform from a school teacher and loving mother to a person I could not even recognize.
Oh my gosh! I have felt so wrong for how I have felt for years now. Like I’m wrong for being so hurt and broken. Thank you so much for posting this!
Validating for the betrayed partner! Thank you!
So glad it’s validating. That’s one of my goals for this content.
This presentation is simply awesome. I’ve been watching material for years. This is near the top!
Thank you! I’m happy you’ve found it helpful.
This video is spot on. This is what I'm going through in my marriage. Thank you for this video. It helps to hear this.
Very real observation here. Thank you. Resolution lay far beyond the words and stories. Community, support and empathy…. All the best.
Struggling to stay safe is so painfully harmful, I remember repeatedly when my only goal was how do I keep everyone safe? Now I know the fact that that was the goal of my decision making over and over, was just wrong in and of itself.
This is very helpful to me. I’ve divorced my spouse but have chosen to support him through his 12 step process and I myself participate in the family support group arm of 12 step. You mention the betrayed feeling unsafe and uncertain in other future situations after being harmed by a spouse’s actions…this is true for me and was helpful to have that feeling validated. I also experience my spouse quietly explaining his new healthier decisions and behaviors in detail to me. I thought this was unnecessary for me, but now I see why it is helpful to him. He’s working to be someone he wasn’t before. Thank you. Those are just a few of many helpful things I pulled from your video.
Thank you for every video you do. You touch more people than you know. Sincerely, thank you
Im so hurt from all the lies
This is such an amazing video. Thank you. It helped me understand the things my betraying partner has said so much better.
So happy you've found it helpful
This is a fantastic summary.
You are amazing. So accurate. Wish my husband would take your words to heart.i love him and dont want to lose what we could have, but i have hurt and waited on him to come around for so long. How much longer can my heart wait and hurt before i give up on him for good 😢
Thank you for sharing some of your story. It can feel so devastating and painful. I’m sorry you’re going through it.
give up on him. done.
I'm in the exact same situation
My situation is the same 😢
Don't wait for him. Have self respect. He treated you as if you was nothing and that is what you should become for him, nothingness.
Kristin, this message would make a great book!
Thanks I do cover some of this in my Life Anonymous book and workshop. www.kristinsnowden.com/service-page/life-anonymous-the-live-workshop-1?referral=service_list_widget
Kristen, thank you for doing this video. It hits home with a good message, to me, on the trauma I have caused my wife.
You are very right, at 22:22 of the video, when you point out my betrayed partner felt the full brunt of my behavior, even more-so than I did, because they did not have protective mechanisms in place to protect themselves from hard or difficult feelings the way I have been able to. Overcoming this emotional block, in me, has been one of my main focuses for my own healing, and this video helped. But this video also magnifies the importance of putting my wife's healing over and above my own.
Thank you for your humbleness and vulnerability. I’m glad you’re willing to educate yourself and learn the paths toward healing for both you and your partner. Wishing you both the best.
@@KristinSnowden Thank you so much for the kind words. It's because of people like you putting out content like this that I am where I am.
One other thing I'd love to mention. I always make clips of videos in parts that really speak to me. I could not do that on your video. I understand it's a setting that allows others to make clips. I'd really appreciate if you would consider turning on this setting because absorbing a one hour video is tough, but having a few one minute clips, which also work great as bookmarks, is very powerful. Thanks.
Hi. I completely understand how cutting these videos down into soundbites can be very helpful. I'm currently working on creating timestamps on older videos to provide that to others. However, I have that setting turned off due to the sensitive nature of the content I cover in these videos. I know your intentions are to provide a helpful service to others, but sometimes my words or video content can be taken out of context. Maybe if I better understand how you intend to use the sound bites, I could consider adjusting my stance on that....
@@KristinSnowden Thanks for the open minded response and for helping me understand your view on allowing clips.
I can understand your position, for, as you said, your content is sensitive.
I personally only make clips for my own use. I do sometimes share them with someone else who i think would benefit.
Clips are kind of like a superpowered bookmark in a book. When I am listening to a podcast and something really speaks to me I'll make a clip for later review. With a 1 minute max it captures the idea and brings me to the spot in the video when I am reviewing clips. Like most people I am not a slow learner I am a quick forgetter 😜
Very few videos don't allow this feature and I listen to a lot of sensitive podcasts. (almost exclusively for where I am in life).
With your videos I have to just do notes the old fashioned way (which isn't a bad thing).
Don't do anything you are uncomfortable with just for me. I'm not sure how many people research as deeply as I do. They probably don't have as much work to do on themselves as I do. I have a lot of past history to... reform ☺️
As I said previously, I am just happy there is content out there like yours changing lives.
God bless you Kristen, you are storing up treasure in heaven 🥇🪙🥇
Hi @kirsten . Thank you very informative. Do you have any recommended resources to help betraying partners support betrayed?
I wish I could hate my ex for this but I don’t. He cheated on me for 13 years, and I lived in hell because of it. He is now married with a son and I pray he has changed.
Fantastic and very, very helpful
So what if the betrayer says that he did these things because his childhood trauma? He thinks that he didn't have a choice of having affairs. I don't belive that. Allow us go through childhood trauma, and we don't all have affairs! Or cheat, and lie, and gaslight. What do you think?
As my lovely cohost tami would say “that’s a reason, not an excuse”. It’s important to realize the hurt and pain that drove our bad choices. But it does not entitle to you do those bad things and it does not excuse them. When you lie, hurt others,live out of line with your values and goals, there are consequences and hopefully if the person wants to change there will be responsibility, accountability, and change for the better. 🤞🏻
Yes, they could be bi polar and haven't been diagnosed. My wife had an affair after almost 20 years of marriage, she finally confessed to me and went straight into a psychotic episode. I think the guilt was eating her alive. She just wasn't the cheating kind. When she told me about the affair I almost didn't believe her. Infidelity is a hallmark symptom of bi polar disorder, and she was also diagnosed with schizophrenia, the poor girl didn't even stand a chance.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you and your wife have both found the help and support you need to heal and healthily move forward.
@@KristinSnowden She passed away 5 weeks ago, she dropped all of her main meds within a month and went manic again, she decided to get laid while I was at work and ended up having a heart attack at her lover's house.
@@wizardofahhhs759 😮❤ next level grief process. Sending you peace!
. I met a boy when I was 6 years old and when we got of age we started dating. He was my high school sweetheart. Except the sweetheart part was more that of an abusive cheater. I was innocent and unpopular and he was with the crowd that would drink on the weekends etc. I had a 10 pm curfew and he had no parents around most of the time. He broke my heart so many times but I would move on and start seeing someone else and all of a sudden the abusive monster wanted me again. Or he just didn’t want me with anyone else. I became so quietly enraged at how he hurt me that we cut ties for several years and met again in our mid twenties. Except we switched roles. He was me begging for love and I did everything possible to hurt him, and I’m not proud of it… and now we’re both addicts and going nowhere… apart
Sad story. I hope your doing better.
It's easier to just run away from it all. I don't want to fix him and be part of his dark world.
that's an understandable sentiment that many share....
This is not about you fixing anything or a test of endurance to see if you win some self-designed contest or bet. If you don't realize that the person who has walked out on you (physically, emotionally or in other ways) does not have YOUR best interest at heart then you are that person who is sitting alone in a ship with a hole at the bottom but you keep hoping you will make it to the shore and don't realize you are actually sinking. Grab a Lifeboat and get out. You cannot FIX anyone. They have to do it themselves. And they have to WANT to do it too and prove it with their actions not just more words.
You are right. This sucks I feel helpless. 🌸
Being betrayed one time or a hundred times makes no difference.
One time should wake you up to the fact,that they don’t view you as a part of them.
Meaning that they aren’t a partner, you are just an accessory.
True partners don’t need to cheat because they can communicate with their partner about their needs and feelings.
True. They don't even have to communicate. They just have a solid, steady heart that does not sway or stray just because of the other person's selfish decisions. Even though I have been betrayed and cheated on I know I will still not cheat or betray another human being let alone my spouse (if I marry again). Makes no sense to me. You don't allow others to change your character and moral values. It is as Simple as that. Period.
Great content...
Years and years of betrayal with porn and alcohol addiction, promising he'd never do it again, for more than a decade always doing that and exploding and breaking things, telling me how unattractive I am and disgusting my body is after I have him 4 kids, raping me, etc.... after 14.5y stepped out. And now he's weaponizing this video Against me. Please let me hear one of the videos addressing the turmoil and damage an abusive partner causes.
Sure. Here’s one on how addiction and infidelity are emotionally abusive: Are Infidelity and Addiction Abusive to Loved Ones?
czcams.com/video/XYbDoSGBlJk/video.html
And this one: Neurobiology of Betrayal Trauma & How to Heal
czcams.com/video/tLb5gWkmWwE/video.html
Leave him. Too abusive. You deserve better.
He was the one that was acting out. I set a boundary, never telling him what to do, but before we dated I was very clear that this type of addic is a no go for me. He took 6 months, and supposedly healed, did stop as he stated it was because of his last marriage that he used. He was happy and clear and focused. Then one year ago he went back to it. Hid it from me. Again, I never asked anyone to stop,, I clearly stated I can't be in a relationship with people that do Y or X for example. He is a kind partner, a devoted, and loyal partner, but I can stomach lies. I feel so betrayed. and again he makes promises, with sincerity. How can I trust this?
If he crosses the line on e, he'll cross or again because what he is doing is testing your boundaries and seeing if you will stand your ground or give in. *Don't bother setting boundaries if you are going to let people cross it.* By doing so you are turning your own words into a Joke.
Thankyou
My husband says he never☹️
What do you do when you literally make a list of what you need from him to start healing and trusting again, but he doesn't do ANY of them?
The important question is what do YOU want to do when your partner doesn’t want to take the steps to help you heal and rebuild trust after he lies and betrays you? You can ask a bunch of people advice but it’s really about what you’re willing and able to do. What boundaries do you want to set? What are the consequences? What are you willing to follow through on? These are very difficult questions to answer because they are often so life-altering and painful.
@@KristinSnowden it is very painful, and scary. I set boundaries, but he doesn't abide by them.
We have a daughter that has a heart condition. I don't work anymore because I take care of her. If I leave him I won't have money or health insurance for her.
@@KristinSnowden
I want you to know that I'm deeply thankful for you replying to me. I would love to take some of your courses, I just can't afford it. 😥
Life is short get out!
I left, because I knew I would end up sick. The emotional pain and stress was getting unbearable. I began having intense migraines that went away after I left.
I have to accept that this resonates with me…. I had many hidden behaviors I was using to cope with my insecurity when the relationship was becoming unsafe and we both became deceitful viewing eachother as an enemy . I saw the things I did as less than what I thought he did ie cheating so I minimizined my behaviors which I now see as as harmful to the relationship and how the person got scared thinking he never knew me atall … I’m sorry
I am willing to hear how I affected my relationships in order to become better and make amends
It takes a lot of courage to be open to understanding the ways your choices have harmed others and work toward changing. Glad you’re here.
😊
I cannot relate to what you are describing. I was 100% loyal, supportive and committed and was still betrayed. I know for a fact now it was not me.
The bottom line is that one can try to understand an addict’s behavior till the end of time but if you don’t end up leaving and cutting all ties, you are going to definitely end up mentally ill yourself because of them. Save your life and your sanity by leaving or stop complaining about the consequences if you stay.
My wife had an affair but from what I can figure is that she was doing it while I was at work and the kids were in school, so I never got to see the red flags. She would meet him and be back in time to pick up the kids from school and be home before I got home from work.
I’m so sorry. That is all so painful. I hope you’ve been able to find a supportive mens group. There are mens betrayed partner groups on sexandrelationshiphealing.com
@@KristinSnowden She actually died of a heart attack at her partners house 5 weeks ago. I didn't know about bipolar or hypersexuality until it was too late. That's why I'm here, maybe I can learn something and prevent myself from being in this nightmare again.
What if your wife made you crazy by withholding sex for 12 years and forcing you to be celibate?
@@tonyward8752 That's not a Marriage. Cannot get the full story from one line. Something is off.
@@wizardofahhhs759 - Don't understand how adulterers are able to look at their children in the eye right after engaging in shameful and deceitful acts. There is MAJOR Cognitive Dissonance at play here. Self-Deception on top of Betraying others.
Some of my behaviors make more sense to you now. I was badly betrayed in my marriage several years ago and I started watching porn and flirting with women who I was not involved with and I didn't realize that I was so addicted to it until my current girlfriend started pointing it out to me. Now I suffered from 2 massive strokes and a brain bleed 6 years ago and they left me with partial brain damage and severe memory problems to the extent that sometimes I don't remember doing things that are hurting her and I am working on changing my behavior, because I truly love her and I don't want to hurt her, but sometimes it's more difficult to realize that I've done something hurtful or wrong, I could really use your help and advice.
It takes a lot of courage to admit and own your faults and shortcomings. I’d encourage you to go to SPAA or SAA (sex/porn addicts anonymous) in your area and engage some of sexandrelationshiphealing.com ‘s men’s groups. That will get you started in the right direction. Happy holidays and keep asking for help.
@KristinSnowden thank you for your help and I will follow up on this
Thank you for being there !! I’m 2 years and 4 months into this betrayal trauma fraud m 30 years of secret porn addiction - he went to CSAP for 7 months an other therapy for a total of about a year. He wants recovery just by because ng nice to me. He is enmeshed with his mom and she treats in a not very respectful way - now I am reacting to her crummy treatment of me . He just does surface things for me for me but doesn’t seem to see her in a negative way - just me .
Love you ❤
she would tell me about how much she loves me, wants to get married and have a kid it is all lies because everytime i try to make it real she runs away-just feel so betrayed, i was fully committed and wanted it all-hurts so much. If you ask her she will say its my fault :(
What do you mean by you 'tried to make it REAL'?
Do you have a workshop/online course for the betrayer if they want to be better?
I don’t. But sexandrelationshiphealing.com does. Their group Out of the Doghouse may be helpful for you.
Who cares how they are thinking??
Selfish liars
i was manic a betrayer of words and somone invited my fears that i created when i was 13 they were actual people people names that i knew i would know peopls names that i just made up there were 4 in total that were invited to the online near me in ears reach and i was going crazy am i a betrayer ? casue they all ended up dead or in jail
He NEVER CRIED
Hi, very hard to follow you, you are jumping around to different types, I lose who your speaking about. I noticed your very excited , reactive to subject matter. That is nice to see.
Looking for the link you mentioned
Hi. It’s in the description, you just have to scroll down a bit. www.kristinsnowden.com/single-post/facing-infidelity-with-courage
You are so helpful
Does this ever actually really happen with lasting follow through and consistency?
Elaborate on what “this” is in your comment, please. I’m not sure what you’re asking.
“Crappy things you’ve done in the past” - let’s get them in the past 1st. I find betrayed is always trying to talk about a single instance in the past to discount daily abuse
If there is daily abuse you should be LEAVING not staying or using that as an EXCUSE to cheat yourself. You have your own selfish motives for staying. Either that or you are lying about the abuse to justify your own betrayal.
How do I book a consultation please?
Hi. Right now my private practice is full so the three ways to receive consultation from me would be 1) attend my free webinars, I have one this Wednesday at 9:30am PT 2) get my online relationship masterclass that includes one on one sessions 3) join my workshops. You can find these all on my website.
When I say something about a woman he knows he defends them and yells at me. That is why I know he is screwing them every chance he gets. He tells me I’m too old to ask if he is cheating. What kind of crap is that? I just have to tell him soon I’m getting my own place it’s not working . He is too into his friends and still living his damn high school days this shyt is sickening all of his friends are users but he doesn’t see it he is too into pleasing them. It’s weird!!
The yelling at you should be enough…
You cannot stay married to someone who believes he is still a teenager. You are wasting precious years of your life for a teenager who cares only about his own self not you.
Thanks from the betrayer
8 min!
My wife is a nut job , I love her and never did I ever think that women could be so complicated especially the one that I fell in love with.
Really? That’s their claim to fame.
@westa1762 my mother your mother your grandmother my grandmother my sister your sister my daughter your daughter someone else's daughter is a nut job.
Then Leave. Don't use that as an EXCUSE to cheat.
15:07 “mean spirited” maladaptive behaviors
Cuasual video on my feed...
But do Think I need help 🤣
I don’t wish them well.
Can pregnancy increase the avoidant behaviors??
I don’t really know this answer but just curious: do you mean the pregnant person can experience an increase in avoidant behaviors or the partner?
Yes ma’am in the pregnant person
YES. Pregnancy can push a betrayer FURTHER into a shame-betrayal spiral. As in, for example, if the man is the betrayer, and his wife gets pregnant, he can fall more deeply into negative behaviors such as porn, addiction, flirting, etc.
Most men get worse when their wife get pregnant. And they disconnect…
@@nikisawyers7559 I meant in the pregnant person. Which was me. I was so mean to him until about 3 months ago when my hormones were back to normal. But we broke up almost a year ago. We didn’t even make it past the hard part of having a baby. Oh well I guess. Time to move on.
@@nikisawyers7559 thank you
So then if my ex-wife brought porn into the marriage, told me the only way she was willing to show me love was sex, and when I wanted attention she would encourage porn use because she could not be bothered to divert any amount of attention to me unless it directly served her, who was the betrayer?
Both of you. You should have put your foot down and said NO and given her a warning to quit watching/talking about porn. If she had continued you should have let her go. That's what honorable Men and Women do. The fact that you didn't does make you complicit.
He was about to telll me one day that he has someone else but the coward could not do it.
I hope you left him
The fact, that the Non-Cheaters didn't suspect that their so call once faithful and beloved sexual partner was secretly a cheater, projects negative and questionable behavior of the faithful partner, ability to analized his/her reality., Non-cheaters tend to make themselves victims, instead of being truthful about their own behavior, actions towards the cheating partner., They need to ask themselves whether they forced themselves to cheater partner, or did they deceived/coerced/manipulate/tricked/con/deceived etc., Against the once faithful, beloved partner, who never wanted them in the 1st place but do to conflict of interest, they ended up together., Just being realistic.,
I am truly sorry for whatever you have experienced that has led you to believe that what you just described is the norm of a long-term relationship or marriage. I have never known anyone who wasn't deeply in love with their spouse. The vast majority of people do not get married because they have to, not in America anyway, why would they?
That sounds like nonsense, and very dysfunctional sorry!
You are making no sense at all. Don't just put words together and think they will become coherent on their own.
I’m disappointed. I felt this video could be helpful, but the mention of Richard Rohr invalidates the whole thing. Do a deep dive into this man, his retreats, his organization, and the umbrella it is under. The information you will find is disturbing.
Hi. I appreciate you watching and sharing. I’ve read a few of Richard rohrs books and listened to many of his podcasts but I admit I don’t know much about his retreats or organization. Regardless, i was curious to ask the following: does the mentioning of one persons name or one quote actually invalidate all of the content? Is it not possible to take from it what resonates and leave what doesn’t?
Wrong. There’s the type where the betrayal IS the point. I have seen all the above behaviors. Sure, he enjoyed his fun but he was deliberately hurting me.
Exactly. They wake up every morning deciding to be worse than the day before.
What if your wife held out sex from you for 12 years forcing you to live a celibate life?
You’d have to elaborate. What about that scenario? Did you both work to understand why sex was being withheld and how it was impacting you? Was there understanding around the breakdown of intimacy?
she never wanted to discuss it
she didn’t care how it impacted me
For as much work and research as you've put into this, this is all very shortsighted and generalized
All female victims in this sub, what a shocker.
Most..not all..but most men put porn and other women before their significant other/family.
This is too bad, I thought you were going to explain their actions and the impact.
I like your other videos, but remember who you are trying to reach.
You are trying to put way too much in this.
Very disjointed.