De-escalation tip: Do NOT use a condescending sarcastic tone of voice, it really is rude!
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- čas přidán 9. 11. 2020
- De-escalation tip: Do NOT use a condescending sarcastic tone of voice, it really is rude!
Do you remember being told by your parents not to use a certain tone of voice with them? We all learned very early in our childhood to be careful with our tone of voice and the words we use, but unfortunately when we become adults those lessons seem to go out the window at times.
I found this video of a traffic stop in 2019 in Connecticut, and it was actually hard for me to watch it beyond the point where the officer walked up and immediately used a condescending sarcastic tone of voice with the driver... • Traffic stop in Montvi...
I also did a blog article with my thoughts and comments - gentle-response.com/2020/11/08...
Police officers could dramatically reduce the amount of discourtesy complaints made against them by simply being more aware and more careful about their tone of voice with the public!
People want to be treated with respect, and one of the simplest, quickest ways we can do that is with our tone of voice and the words we use. So, basically, do NOT use a condescending, sarcastic tone of voice!
Gentle Response LLC is not just another lecture presentation. The training program is specifically designed to assist a person develop stress inoculation, muscle memory, self confidence and confidence in other colleagues. None of which anyone can get from just sitting through a lecture or watching a how-to video.
Students also receive real time feedback from instructor/role players to validate and affirm what was done correctly during a scenario, and feedback as to what can be tweaked and done differently.
Contact me for more information on how my team and I can help better prepare you and your staff how to to effectively and successfully interact with someone who is loud, rude, obnoxious, and prevent a volatile situation from becoming a critical violent incident!
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#deescalation #deescalate #conflictmanagement #crisismanagement #verbaldeescalation #conflictintervention #crisisintervention #mentalhealth #interpersonalskills #toneofvoice
You were wrong to get that bus driver fired though. She didn’t even have to give you 3 minutes, and she did. It’s your fault that you’re late. Why should other kids be late too?
I was also thinking this…
Hard to believe the bus driver was fired. If so, a case of wrongful dismissal.
Would it be fair to say respect is a two way street and showing respect for the bus driver and everyone else riding it is being on time?
Yes it is, great comment, however a considerable amount of grace is needed when dealing with people with special needs because their sense of time is very different, as is the case with my autistic daughter. The bus driver was very well aware of that fact as ALL her passengers are special needs students!
"You can do everything right and still do it all wrong." - this is the whole takeaway here. We hear tones, not words. Hell, even I had to learn that about myself. Sometimes the way I was speaking was so different than the way I thought it sounded to me. I honestly think that self-awareness is what's lacking in most people. This is another reason why when you call someone out on their tone, it's usually met with some denial, or their retort is "That's not what I said". But notice that they never say, "That's not HOW I said -". Some people know they're doing it, don't care, and deny it. Then they gaslight you and say you're imagining things. Narcissists are masters at this. But there are others who can't hear how they're coming off. I'm talking about the latter.
If you hear yourself recorded after a conversation, do you sound the way you thought you did? Most people don't like watching themselves or hearing themselves being recorded - they become at once the observer, see things they didn't notice about themselves before, and worse yet, realize that others must have seen it when they did not. Anyway, I really enjoyed this video, and I especially enjoy this topic. I grew up in a high-conflict household and for the past several years have been working on my (often poor) communication skills. Everyone has blind spots, but everyone can learn better ways if they have awareness and education.
Thank you for taking a moment to share and comment! If we are honest with ourselves, we will realize it is an ongoing challenge to be aware of our own tone of voice. Heck, my wife can tell when I'm getting "hangry" and need a Snickers bar!
Your comments absolutely augment my post, thank you.
I don’t like how people expect me to treat them with respect but don’t respect me back. Wether its at work or out of work. Everyone needs to do better
It would have been nice if Your child ready on time for the school bus!
I think so too, but when you have a special needs child and the special needs school has a bus system designed and equipped for special needs kids, you expect a certain amount of patience and grace!
Tone matters alot
Yes it absolutely does!
Fr
This is great. I would love more examples of condescending or patronizing tones; and the effects they have on others and how they effect the outcome for the person speaking in that manner. I personally feel like the message gets lost a little bit behind the emotions that triggers within the other person.
I have a few videos on the matter, and I have no doubt that I will find more incidences to talk about where tone of voice played a HUGE role in how the situation played out! We learn from an early age how important tone of voice is, even to this day some adults will still respond and react emotionally when they hear their parents use "a tone"!
Here's a video I just created with some examples and demonstration on how your tone of voice and words you use can affect and influence a situation -czcams.com/video/BtWo0nhg7P4/video.html
You forgot to show the interaction clip
Very informative! Thank you so much!
Glad it was helpful!
Would like to hear examples of tone and appropriate words to start avoiding miscommunication…If you are the person who is coming off condescending, how do you change? Going in with respect but being disrespected…two way street.
Hi Vicky! That's a great comment and suggestion, and I will be sure to make a video showing the difference and how the words you use and your tone of voice and greatly influence an interaction! A few months after this video that you commented on, I made another video based on the body cam from a police officer, showing how his tone of voice, words and attitude escalated a situation -czcams.com/video/s0GeLuBEzVw/video.html
So you ask, "how do you change?", It just begins with you thinking through what you will say and how you will say it as you approach to make contact with someone. Take a breath and really think it through! Expect the very real possibility that you may get disrespect in return, but don't let that stop YOU from being respectful, professional, showing self respect and self discipline. The moment you let yourself get offended that you are being disrespected, you have increased the likelihood that YOU will end up being the one to do or say something that will escalate a situation!
Here's my video in response to your question, with examples and demonstration -czcams.com/video/BtWo0nhg7P4/video.html
Would love to see more instructional material with examples on how to communicate without being condescending in the professional environment. Thanks!
Hi! I will certainly continue to point out condescending tones of voices and so on in incidents that I find in on social media and in the general news outlets!
I have several videos in my library where tone of voice and words used played a large contributing factor in the situation.
People who have strong personalities, who are narcissistic, arrogant, self righteous and feel that they have to have the last word will usually use a condescending tone of voice and words because they believe they are better than everyone else. People who get frustrated with someone, and exasperated, will tend to use a condescending tone of voice as they get more and more upset and frustrated.
Thanks man
You're welcome!
After the driver said hi and asks what he done wrong is it condescending a reply "You ought to have known better to drive while on the phone"
Depending on the tone of voice, yes. You can say that exact phrase to a buddy of yours and sound like you're kidding with him and teasing him, or you can use the tone of voice the officer did and sound very condescending and disrespectful, and basically telling the person they're stupid and "should have known better"
Title speaks to me. My boss and her colleague, a high-ranking chef, took me to the former's office for a talk about a few mistakes I made, and I felt the chef didn't handle it right. She should've spoken to me more respectfully and sensitively and had us talk somewhere _else._ A formal office lecture, with my boss present? Not cool. And speaking of condescending, rune tone of voice, wait till you hear this. She actually asked my boss if there was anything she wanted to add. Like, you don't have to rub my mistakes in my face that much.
And then then the next day, she asked me how I was. Now _that_ is rude and condescending. You don't treat someone like a criminal the day before and ask them how they are the next day. No wonder my coworker once had to vent about the chef. She was right all along.
Wow, yeah, it's not like any of us like to have our mistakes pointed out or be corrected, but it is what it is and there are certainly more effective ways of correcting an employee and it begins with the approach, words used and tone of voice. And at least she seemed to care enough to check in with you, probably felt that the conversation could have gone differently.
@@GentleResponseLLC I don't think "How are you?" implies something as deep as that (I say respectfully).
@@GentleResponseLLC i didn’t offend you with the reply, did I? That was actually one of the things the chef talked to me about: my filter
@@johnrainsman6650 LOL no, I had nothing else to comment on
If you don't mind my asking, John, what else did the chef talk to you about, besides filter. I mean, nobody's perfect; everybody's says foolish and/or offensive things every now and then, even if they don't mean to. I'm not sure it's worth a trip to the office.
But by all means, if you'd rather not share something this personal, that's cool too; I'd understand
Great content. First fix our ways of thinking about others, all words we say would just be fine. They all come from there.
This video should be mandatory viewing, weekly maybe for any police. It's not an accident that cops just happen to have several violent confrontations sometimes in one week which is way more than it should be for anybody. Not even El Chapo had that frequency of violent incidents
Hey I appreciate the support! I do classes every year at the annual Ohio Tactical Officers Association training conference, so I'm doing what I can!
Your good point is over written by your disrespect for the bus driver. Your gloating over the loss of her job is worse.
There was a lot more about that particular bus driver than just the incident with my daughter, and she was rightfully terminated.
What should I do if I am never truly offended by any tone of voice?
Nothing left but to be happy, and proud that you are not like everyone else who get offended easily!
The officer used that tone because the driver took too long to pull over. I been pulled over and i pull over right away. In this situation the driver didn’t pull over right away which caused the officer to address him the way he did. The officer could have probably done better but he saw the driver was not pulling over
Yes correct, thanks for commenting! The officer got frustrated, and when you allow yourself to become frustrated, impatient or offended by someone you have increased the likelihood that you will be the one who ends up saying or doing something that will escalate the situation. We have all been in that situation where we got frustrated about something and got a snippy tone of voice with the spouse, or co-worker, or kids.
I have a colleague who speaks in 2 voices. The regular conversation voice. And. The Servant voice. When he thinks me or others need to be corrected. Have you seen this? He grew up in India with lots of servants. I asked other Indian s. About this. They all say. “I know exactly what you mean”
Hi Paul, I think we all have "different voices" when we address people, from our family, to friends, to customers and so on... The trick to make sure we don't inadvertently escalate a situation by making a snap comment in the heat of the moment which turns out to be the very wrong thing to say! But we've all done it, I've been frustrated with things and snapped at my wife when she did not deserve it! You just have to constantly be aware of how you going to react and respond to someone!
3 minutes sounds like 3 minutes. But other than that, thanks for the great info.
I knew it!
The officer was not being condescending or sarcastic. He was performing his duties as a police officer. The driver did not immediately pull over and the driver was video taping the officer as he approached. The driver continued to question every small infraction for which the officer did not give him a ticket. This is nothing more than a frame dominance battle where both individuals are attempting to assert dominance over the other. This is a pretty stupid game to play if your doing it with a police officer after being stopped for speeding. LOL.