Partners of someone who has BPD
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- čas přidán 22. 08. 2024
- Sometimes the partners of people with BPD need attention and care too. In this video I will be offering some advice to those in a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder or Emotionally unstable Personality Disorder.
Get involved via Social Media using the hashtag - #31DaysOfBPD
Thank you for taking the time to watch this - I hope to see you next time.
Please subscribe to my channel for more videos about mental illness and leave any questions or comments you may have in the space below.
Take care and I hope you have a safe, peaceful week.
Gem
x
The Little Blue Pot
Welcome to my CZcams channel where I’m hoping to educate people on the different types of mental illness to provide an understanding and learn ways to cope. I also vlog about my own experience of living with mental illness, as well as sharing other aspects of my life. I want to raise awareness of mental health problems and mental illness, so I hope my channel helps you and others.
As with all my videos, I'm trying to explain everything as clearly as possible and provide examples from my life to help you understand. I might not get everything right every time, but I wanted to give it a go, and I hope it will be of benefit to you. This Vlog is from my perspective, but I do appreciate that not everyone will have had the same experience as myself - we are all different after all. I have also tried, where applicable, to reference everything correctly, but we are all human and make mistakes - please stick with me.
Please follow me:
Instagram: Gem_TLBP - www.instagram....
Twitter: @TLittleBluePot - / tlittlebluepot
Facebook: @TLittleBluePot TLittleBluePot
CZcams: / thelittlebluepot
References
Charles H. Elliot and Laura L Smith. (2009). Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies. Wiley Publishing
The Little Blue Pot Videos:
- 31 Days of BPD 2018
o Welcome and Introduction - • Video
o Day 1 DSM 5 criteria for BPD - • Video
o Day 2 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Identity - • Video
o Day 3 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Self-Direction - • Video
o Day 4 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Empathy - • Video
o Day 5 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Intimacy - • Video
o Day 6 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Emotional Liability • Video
o Day 7 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Anxiousness • Video
o Day 8 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Separation Insecurity • Video
o Day 9 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Depressivity - • Video
o Day 10 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Impulsivity • Video
o Day 11 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Risk taking behaviour - • Video
o Day 12 DSM 5 criteria for BPD: Hostility and Anger - • Video
o Day 13 May require a lot of attention - • Video
o Day 14 BPD and Comorbidity - • Video
o Day 15 Splitting • Video
- Series One (2017)- 31 Days of BPD Playlist -
• 31 Days of BPD - Welco...
- Distance • 31 Days of BPD - Day 2...
- Communicate • 31 Days of BPD - Day 2...
- Challenge • 31 Days of BPD - Day ...
- Distract • 31 Days of BPD - Day 2...
- Manage Problem • 31 Days of BPD - Day 2...
BPD Forum
www.psychforum...
Support information:
Samaritans - 116 123
National Suicide Prevention - 08000 684 141
Mental health line UK - 0300 5000 101
Sane line UK - 0845 767 8000
Mind information line (Info and advice) - 0845 767 8000
Mind website - mind.org.uk
Time to Change - time-to-change.org.uk
Rethink mental illness - rethink.org
USA - 1-800-273-8255
Canada - 514 723 4000
Ireland - +44 08457 909 090
Australia - 131114
- Lifeline 000
Music - ‘Sweet’ By Bensound
Bensound.com - • Sweet - Bensound
As someone with a BPD diagnosis who has worked hard on changing, i am telling you that its a cop out to keep saying "i cant help it" about these behaviours!
That is just not true.
You can stop.
You can change.
Just because its hard does not mean its not doable.
"Change is hard, but it's not impossible"
Exactly. It's part of bpd saying I can't help it. I'm insecure, I'm a Peter Pan, a Princess locked in a palace, bpd childlike is cute, only for a while. I have been there till I made a promise to myself, it's either me, or the bpd traits. We are not going to remain married that's for sure. Honestly, and that might sounds harsh but those insecurities are what keep us in childlike stage, ans we probably find it more comforting that we want to admit, it's a fear of growing up and acting as grown up because we believe we're not equipped for it. We absolutely are. Bpd people are highly intelligent, and resilient. They just need to stop believing that they can't. They stop believing they can't, when they genuinely decide to do so. Growing up is scary but so liberating. We all have a past, we all have trauma, we still all are 100 responsible for how we show up today.
I’m not being dramatic when I say that this video made me cry. It’s been such a difficult few months before my girlfriend was diagnosed. I’m struggling so much, this helped a lot thank you
How are things
I agree with this. I have someone I know who has BPD that I'm trying to help and finding this video has also made me emotional because there are rarely any videos that help with how to handle a person with bpd.
Married 16 years.
Married 18 years too…
After you devalue your partner . Do you cheat on him?
Well I've implemented a new strategy 4 my BPD bf.
I explained that i have the right (indeed even the responsibility) to choose to find myself in positive energy. I explained my company is available on 3 conditions - that it is kept positive, healthy and fun. Otherwise I will choose to spend my time with my friends or family or even by myself. As soon as he starts with intense or devaluing or doubting, I simply get my 🔑 and say "your emotion is your responsibility. 'BYE" this way he will either learn to process his own negativity in his own way and not automatically project it onto me. Because I have my own life, own issues and have learned to take responsibility for my actions. BpD is not an excuse for controlling or emotionally abusive behaviour. Their behaviour can be controlled only by them
:(
How well has this strategy worked?
While your with your family or your friends or even spending time alone by yourself he is spending time with other source. They are all the same nothing but cheaters.
I don't know how much longer I can cope with my BPD partner, he thinks there is nothing wrong with him and its all me. Its affecting my mental health now and I feel like I am going mad.
I feel the same way with my partner. It’s so hard
Exactly. I am extremely empathetic, tolerant and understanding. But it’s been nearly 10 years of him emotionally abandoning me (when ironically that’s his biggest fear) and never letting me in but expecting me to still be patient and have the world revolve around only his wants and needs. Everyday is Groundhog Day, nothing changes, being psychologically abused and tortured, questioning my own reality and sanity from going round and round and round, having the same talks and fights even after we’ve come to resolutions and are on the same page in agreement on how we move forward. But he always manages to sabotage things 3-5 business days and the cycle starts over again. And after being minimized, gaslit, devalued, scapegoated, dismissal, etc for 10 years because of his utter refusal to seek help to learn the tool to manage his intense emotions (because he thinks black and white and has already convinced himself the damage is already done now there’s no point) I feel like I’m losing my mind and he can see the effects and how much I am now suffering because all he’s ever done is take and take and take and never given anything back emotionally and he sees how emotionally exhausted and truly defeated I am I feel I have nothing left to give he’s sucked my soul dry, yet he still seems no help tries nothing different in his decisions moving forward has zero self reflection or willpower to push himself to make a change. He keeps it going and repeats the same thing that broke me 7 days before and can only then turn around and feel bad for himself. How is it that every video I watch is telling me I’m still just supposed to make it all about him and be patient? Why can’t anyone create a video that truly explains and the silent emotional defeated psychological suffering and abuse we patient partners go through without always somehow being spun around to still be patient and do our research to “help” them. When do they also have to take responsibility and acknowledge that the pain and suffering they are going through is equally, if not more traumatic, for the loved one they use as a punching bag.
I don’t mean to sound insensitive. I apologize if I do. And it is certainly not my intention to categorize and label or assume that everyone with a BPD diagnosis behaves this way. I am just really going through it. His refusal to get help or to ever just simply apply our agreed upon resolutions and instead choosing to sabotage and repeat the same toxic behavior every single time to the point I question my own sanity is really really taking it’s toll on our family. I don’t want to leave but nothing ever changes and I am starting to get resentful. It’s destroying me and he just continues the cycle.
Please consider my advice. I have BPD. Please seriously consider leaving your partner. I DO NOT ever expect people to have a relationship with me. Ýou life will be absolute hell with your partner.
Might not be bpd could be narcissistic
Get out!
It's not an illness it's a fractured ego. We sort it out through mindfulness.
I never understand when in one breath someone says the BPD person can’t help what they do, however we can’t excuse it! This makes no sense what so ever!!
Do we have to always calm the partner with BPD down? I mean how ate they meeting us half way? It feels really one sided and we are always chasing them to calm.and soothe them. What ahout us? Whenever they get triggered which can be over anything, they go on a shame/guilt spiral. How many times can we calm them down untio we become enablers?
Wow how refreshing to have some one admit to the lies. Or distortion of truth. He honestly was making me crazy. You are such a strong lady. Thank you so much ! And i have become so numb
It’s not an intentional distortion of truth, it’s a distortion in how reality is percieved in a person with BPD
I clicked on this video but its just very concerning there’s more that I NEED to be doing. Seems like the BPD person needs to get a fucking grip on how their behavior makes those who love them feel.
As a person with BPD I strongly advise people NOT to get involved with anyone with BPD or any other personality disorder.
You have no idea how much this video helped! I do exactly the same to my husband and he is so wonderful in supporting me and getting me through my bad days. Your blog is amazing Gem and you are one inspiring lady. Keep up the amazing work.
Hi Becca thanks for your kind words. I'm pleased this video was helpful to both you and your partner. I'm sending massive hugs to you both xx
Dr this was soo helpful thank you very much! You are actually the first dr I’ve seen addressing the lack of sleep and it’s connection to behavior!!!
Pretty convenient to say "oh, it's my illness making me act abusive towards you, but it's not my fault, I'm still a wonderful person... and you should really be there to support me when I'm treating you like garbage..." How about stop being a shitty person, or at least try to stop yourself... But that's not what happens... Pointing out to a partner with BPD that they're splitting on you doesn't make them stop... They could stop shortly after they're made to realize that they're devaluing their partner again, but they don't stop, they continue with their selfish behavior until they can manipulate the response they desire... Then it's back to normal idealization until the next minor infraction that's sure to trigger their wrath all over again. But as the non-BPD partner, you will never get any closure for the wounds you've received... Even in the unlikely event that the BPD partner does acknowledge their abusive behavior and apologize, that apology doesn't mean shit, because the BPD partner will abuse you in the exact same way within the hour if they feel slighted. I'm not so sure it shouldn't be renamed SWPD - Shitty Weak Person Disorder...
My partner has bpd and I love her dearly. She is the love of my life and I want to be prepared to be able to help her and us in any situation. When she is happy life is amazing and we are the happiest couple on earth. When it's bad for for her it's really bad and I feel like I'm not good enough or worthless and cant help her at all. She 2nd guesses us in general and thinks I'm gonna leave her when she is down. I just want to know what I need to do.
You need to encourage her to get help. Otherwise your will burn yourself. If you are in UK, go to you gp and he will direct her to the mental health team, you will be therapy too... its not easy living with someone with bpd.
Just out of curiosity, how long have guys been together?
@Buffpro You must not lose sight of your own well being and try to avoid the codependency trauma. A person with BPD is not evil but he/she is responsible for her actions. Your love can't replace their responsibility. You must draw boundaries and see what works best. As a loved one, there is little you can do at times. You are not responsible for her behavior which is difficult to follow in the middle of all the emotional turbulence you must be dealing with. The great days will not save the ultimate result and deep pain.
how are you?
The worst thing is to deal with someone with BPD plus alcoholism it left me drained injured depressed anxious it's hard but I'll always love her.
Due to the BPD my wife is now living somewhere I don't know. She has had a huge crisis and I don't know if our marriage will last. We are meeting next to discuss a trial separation. We have been together 10 years. The BPD behaviour is so tough to separate from her and what she does.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience, this must be very hard for you. It is so tough to separate the illness from the person. Ive just spoken to my partner about it and he says he struggles to separate the me from the illness a lot of the time. I'm sending so many hugs to you my friend and wishing you the best of luck. Take care. Gem x
@@TheLittleBluePot the beautiful thing about you is that you have become aware and your are taking steps, but I feel extremely sorry esp for those bpd who don't take any actions, they will push their partners away or their partner will burn due to exhaustion
I want to start and try a relation with someone with a bad case of diagnosed bpd. I hope I can get every bit of knowledge from people with experience.
I know every case is different.
I know there's more people out there.
I want to stay with this person with his recently started healing era
Run and run fast,they never change
Thank you for sharing this. If been with my partner years now and we have a child and I'm now seven years in and just learning this cause I genuinely care about her. I need help but it's so hard to find good help and trust other people with people you care about and want to protect. ??????
Why someone should sacrifice his life to take care of a person who does not want to take care of himself? BPD should be the one seeking treatment as her codependent partner. If you know you are dealing with BPD and want to follow suggestions from this video, you also need treatment as a codependent.
Maybe these advices can be followed for 31days, but if a non-bpd partner tries to do this for 31 years, most probably he will end up in untimely death. My suggestion is to visit psychiatrist who specializes in personality disorders, and if possible bring BPD partner with you or go alone, as I did. In first couple of sessions my specialists suggestion was to divorce, and keep working on myself so I don't repeat the same mistake when choosing next partner. Don't repeat my mistake, if you recognize BPD in your partner, divorce before you have kids, common kids with BPD will trap you big time, it will be much harder do divorce. You will have to try so much harder to spare kids form BPD outrages, it might work for a while, but will get worse and worse over time.
Or at least read or listen on CZcams to a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. This book also has some decent advice. Another good recourse on CZcams is channel called A.J. Mahari (for non-BPD).
You have to understand what you want form untreated BPD, a romantic LONG-TERM partner, or someone whos wants and needs are so much more important that yours, that you are willing to sacrifice all your needs for them. And it will not improve your relations, you can never give enough for bpd, they will always ask for more, and when you dear say no to anything you will get a thank you will get a blame fore everything that's wrong in PBD life as a "Thank you for taking care of me".
I completely understand you. I am with someone for 2.5 years... and it's not easy. I am working hard to keep things together, but it's like walking on eggshells all the time. She doesn't look at all the positive things that I am doing but very very strongly she holds on to my negative things... makes me feel as if the whole relationship is my fault.
I am so confused as to what to do? How long were you in your relationship?
@@kamilmirza6782 12 years, 3 children. All was for OK before children, about 3 years. It got much worse after the first child was born. But she was again pregnant a little over a year after her first child and this time we had twins. It was a surprise for both of us. This year will be 10 years she is unemployed and is a "Full time" mom. To stay at home for 10 years was her decision, not ours. Im afraid of court. Law tells that all people are equal and gender should not be a factor. But when it comes to moms and children than for some reason moms are more equal than fathers. And if the court tells so fathers can move into a car, and pay alimony so their ex can keep being full "time moms" and stay at home with children, until the youngest is 18 years old.
@@ashokkhetan5844 hey thank you for your kind words. I feel will lost as to what to do. I am Asian, so family structure and what ppl will say plays a big part in my mind.
But on the other hand, I have a feeling, a big feeling inside that my partner will not stay for long. She snaps/ goes onto rage when something doesn't happen her way.
I once visited my sister for few hours, when I returned my partner was in rage saying there are works to be done and I am not prioritising the family needs. What red flags should I be looking for? Obviously when she has a rage, it is due to something about me... so I feel I am responsible and hence I bare with it or think that she has justifiable reasons. But when would I know that she is crossing the boundaries?
Ashok, were you involved with a bpd? When did you notice the red flags?
@@ashokkhetan5844 I noticed red flags only after the first child was born, but they were earlier I only did not notice them. After we got also twins I was stuck, but still had hope that after the youngest will be 3 or 4 years old she might go back to work and things would get better. Not because we had financial problems, but so she had some colleagues to communicate with, not just me and children. The extra income would not hurt and maybe she would understand the value of money and what it takes to earn some. Before children when we lived together she never paid anything a shelter and very little for food. Last year when due to covid I started to work from home full time, everything become so much worse.
I found out about BPD last august, read a book "stop walking on eggshells", started to go to therapy, and started to put some boundaries. For example, when her temper tantrum starts I leave the house for a several-hour walk. I also created my home office in a garden shed, which can be used also in winter, I have the possibility to sleep there as well. We also have not slept in one bed since last August. She has some money for herself from me, but not much. I pay for food, shelter, kids, and all other bills but allow myself to spend "leftover" money as I wish without asking for permission for the first time in many years (Previously I was accused for spending our "family's income" (my salary is our "family's income" for past 10 years) without her approval on stuff she did not find important for "our family"). I was always accused of something, being too long at work, not playing enough with children, not dating her romanticly enough, not earning enough, not answering her text messages within 5 minutes, not having a house big enough for 3 children each should have his own room e.t.c One of my boundaries is that I will not listen to such BS accusations, now she tries to be nice to me until her mood changes (it can happen several times a day).
Because of the therapy, I know that her mood changes and temper tantrum episodes (shouting, throwing dishes, and phones when something is not to her liking, or just start crying without a reason) are not my fault. I know that I did not cause it and I can't fix it and I no longer bother to attempt to fix something. In the past she more and more frequently threatened suicide it got my attention and was an effective manipulation tool for her, but it was very hard for me. About 3 years ago she tied a dog leash to a tree, came in, and told me "I will go and hang myself" I called an ambulance, after a talk at home she was brought to a mental hospital. In the hospital, we convinced doctors that hanging herself was not her intention she only wanted my attention. So they let her home without any treatment but they have a record about her being there and told if she comes back because of suicidal problems she will be kept for involuntary treatment. She was super angry with me because of calling an ambulance, but never again threatened suicide. But as I years later found out BPD tend to end life in suicide very often. Every suicidal threat should be taken seriously and if someone is threatening to commit suicide if you don't do this or that it is best to call professionals so they can evaluate if it was manipulation or thought.
Lack of boundaries is codependents responsibility, and in case you are in a similar relationship forget about understanding, fixing or supporting BPD. You have to fix yourself first, it is not healthy to put others first. You have to put yourself first and take responsibility for your well-being, in case you think that others come first you also might need to talk to a specialist. You might think that rescuing others is a good thing, but it is not if they don't have to be rescued.
We live in one house and legally are husband and wife, but I treat her as if she was a demanding sister who refuses to get a job and helps me with 7 and 9 years old sons. She still has a fantasy that we might become husband and wife once again or I have to sue her for divorce as her lawyer cousin suggested. I also had legal advice, not to sue for divorce, until I have a lot of evidence to protect me. I don't want to play that russian roulette by suing her unprepared. In my country, most of the judges are female and it does not help fathers. Living together in this marriage feels almost like a suspended sentence, but losing in court could become "jail term" or "concentration camp" till the youngest child is 18 years old. So for now I prefer the first option.
I know that children suffer because we live together but if the court tells that children stay with mom and I keep paying for everything it would be worse for children and me. By setting boundaries argument frequency and severity reduces. My therapist also told me that for 7 years and older boys father is more important than the mother, for daughters it might be the mother. I hope that things will improve when covid restrictions are lifted. Since mid-December all children have remote schooling from home as I am working from home(my garden shed), and my wife is at home for the past 10 years. I hope that in September children can go back to school on site, and I can create my home office in my parent's house (not to move there, but only work from there) due to covid I don't visit them indoors since last summer. My parents and I had the first dose of the covid vaccine, and in June we will be fully vaccinated, so after a month, I can relocate my home office from the garden shed to a spare room in my parent's house, which is only a few kilometers from my house and a walking distance from children's school.
@@ashokkhetan5844 hi Ashok, I am feeling so confused now days. I just feel there isn't much future with my bpd partner. On one hand I am thinking it might get better, but on the other hand we are getting more distanced.
On one hand I am thinking I will give everything she is asking for, but on the other hand I know there will some events will happen and she will have rage and would ask to leave.
I read everywhere that bpd has abandonment issues. I have experienced her splitting trait where she was very clingy, but because I did not provide her with a accommodation quick enough last year, she says I am not committed in this relationship, even tho my father passed away in summer and I felt very down. When I mention it was a tough time for me, she says I am giving excuses but rather I am lazy and not committed. So now I am on her 'worthy ' list sadly. Relationships is greatly affected. She doesn't look at all the other 99% of greatness that is in her life.
As I am married to her (nearly 3 years, no kids, actually she says I am not committed enough hence she doesn't want kids now), and we did have some great moments, I am finding it hard to see the reality.
When she has her rages, she does say she wants divorce... and this makes me realise if there is a future with her?
I am now pondering about future, that there will lots of challenges coming our way... how will she react? I feel so confused.
I heard that bpd have abandonment issues, but here it feels like she wants to walk out when she is in rage. She says strong things when she gets upset/angry/rage, and what I notice is that this sayings are pushing me more away unconsciously. So where is this abandonment? How is it happening? I feel its me who is trying hard to make things work and not let go. She expects me to do many things saying that's what married couple do, but when I ask something of her, she is negative.
When I say we need to be careful with spending, she says that need to work more hours.
I feel so confused about future. I am married to her, I can't see much future, but it's becoming huge mental struggle to face the reality and make the right step.
No one should have to do this in a proper relationship. It isnt anothers job to constantly work for the bare minimum of what a human deserves.
Only someone with extreme patience and gentle should be with a bpd, because its a lot of work, and you get into it knowing it will be tiring, but as long as both ppl are willing to work for it, then it will work.
I wish I had seen this months ago, I constantly dream about how I could have been better or more supportive for my ex and I feel so guilty for not being able to separate her illness from her. She's really a lovely amazing girl and I fucked up not being better and I hate myself for it
I for sure know how she feels but it's probably not too late yet?
@@shellydavid728 on one hand I feel like it isn't too late cause since posting the previous comment, her and I have been talking sparingly along with spending some time together when she finds free time from work but I can't tell if she wants to try again or just keep this status quo. When we do talk and spend time together everything feels right and as if nothing happened, we click really well together. I think a part of her still really likes me but I also don't want to make a move on her again cause I don't want to be the idiot who thinks he sees something, makes a move and is wrong then lose her from my life. Maybe I'll figure it one day :/
Im sure she still feels the same back when you guys were together. That's the thing with this disorder some say we don't know how to love but that's wrong we love deeply until there's too much chaos in our head that we get so overwhelmed and do stupid things to push our loved ones away. But Im sure her love for you is still there and she's just probably waiting as well or maybe a bit scared too coz what happened last time might happen again. If you guys ever reconcile and be lovers again pls make sure to study well on how to handle people with BPD and she need to do the same thing. It is not going to be easy for sure but nothing is impossible if you love the person. Don't be scared to try it again just be more knowledgeable the second time for it to work.
@@shellydavid728 I'm so happy I decided to reply to your comment, just having someone to talk about it with who knows about bpd really well helps. I think those with this disorder have an ability to love deeply unlike most but as you said get overwhelmed and push away. I really want to reconcile and be together again, I'm even willing to wait too cause I know her life right now is consumed by work. I'm prepared to learn to be there for her and talking to people like you along with listening to soft white underbelly's 2 interview of women with bpd are helping. The best and most worthwhile things in life aren't easy, so this being difficult means it's worth every ounce of it cause I really care and love this person. I hope she isn't scared to try again. Thanks for talking with me about this
@@sharpie12354 you are very much welcome, wish you both nothing but the best. Yes we love deeply to the extent sometimes that we are being taken advantage of. That's sad part. Then again, please be patient with her and Im sure you'll get the most unconditional love a partner can give. All the best:)
I wish I could get him to listen to people like you, so he knew what he has bpd and could get the help he needs.
Don't forget that CPTSD has almost identical symptoms so we think someone has BPD whereas it's really CPTSD. Both are treatable with DBT
@@janefaceinthewind6260 Im out of the
relationship now...I didn't realize the level of abuse that I was enduring trying to stay with him...I hope he gets help, but Im free and feel so much better.
@@Me-tb8rs did you feel like you were walking in eggshells all the time? Were you always blamed and your weakness is magnified a hundred times?
@@kamilmirza6782 absolutely. All of this. I don't miss it or him anymore. Free❤
@@Me-tb8rs I feel so afraid to take big steps like you.
I've lived with junkies and psychopaths and had my life threatened by family members twice my size, and I've never been more frightened of a person than I am of my wife when her bpd has control.
It seems as if they need to know ahead of time how to understand what will happen. They often ask for guidance how it works. They want support as if they are lost. It feels as if they are missing a piece of a puzzle. They don’t see the shape of things and how they fit together.
I.watched all the way to the end and thank you so much. My partner has good insight but I feel I lack insight into this myself but I'll continue to love 💘 and support my partner. I don't know how much relevance their is to my own situation but its defo a great help and what I was looking for thanx again for sharing
I've got bpd my life has been a wreak I have fucked up everything and lost everything I just don't no what I'm doing sometimes and I don't mean it at all thank u for ur video im gonna show my partner xxxx
@Stephanie The pain can be immense for a BPD person. I am so sorry. And probably you have to go through this for reasons not entirely in your control. I hope you get better.
I was split 16 days ago. I have long suspected that they have bpd, but I don’t know if they’ve been diagnosed. Since I started suspecting, I have read so much about bpd. So I was always patient and understanding. But this last time was different. They spent hours bombarding me with hateful messages on messenger, text and email, and blocking me so I couldn’t reply. They were nasty and called me names and said they hoped me and my children would die. My thought this entire time was that he must be in so much pain, and I wanted to comfort them but they blocked me. At some point I figured they must be so embarrassed and would never reach out bcs of that, so I reached out a week after the outburst and said I’d be here when they were ready to talk, and I loved them. And they responded with more hate, saying they hated me and would always hate me and there’s no coming back from what I did. It’s been painful. I don’t think they’re ever coming back
Hey how are things
Thank you for this. Mine doesn't know he has Bpd and it's so hard...
This is great if they realize they have a disorder, what if they haven't been diagnosed, and they abuse alcohol as well? He discarded me with no explanation after 5 years together, wouldn't even talk about it, devastated.
Sounds like NPD. Very difficult to tell the difference
I hope you’re doing better.
Have you spoken to him at all?
Thankyou for your openess. I have started a new career as a support worker and this video is really helpful. Take care x
I showed my long-time bf of years an article explaining my BPD diagnosis 4 days ago (I also have PTSD, GAD, depression, and OCD) and he seemed supportive but then the next day we argued because since I said I want to stop cigs, he said I shouldn't vape either and I've vaped off and on for years. Anyway, he was judging me and telling me to go ahead and kill myself slowly and all of that, then he proceeded to call me clueless, then when I told him I feel unheard and that he wasn't listening, he said "your feelings aren't real" then when I said it again later, he said "HOW DO YOU THINK I'VE FELT FOR YEARS?!" - he called me an asshole at some point. 'Told me I verbally abuse him, I never listen, I hear things the way I want to and see things the way I want to, and all sorts of things that imply that I'm just crazy. He used every symptom I had in that article as a checklist to insult me and I felt humiliated and beat down and almost like I had no right to stand up for myself for how I have sometimes treated him during my episodes (they aren't that often anymore and I apologize but he even brought that up saying that I NEVER apologize).
I tried to send a video of a doctor proving it is perfectly safe to use vaping as a way to quit smoking and he wrote back saying "If you think for a second my concern is that vaping is better for you, you're clueless. I care about you kicking the addiction that you constantly tell me you want to kick. But you're right, it's fine to do, I guess I should just not care at all and watch you die slowly as my heart falls into pieces. Not that I EVER told you what to do...but I guess it's always my fault - as usual " - he even said "go ahead and deny science" and basically called me ignorant for it. Mind you, my vape is broken so I have not vaped in over a year anyway, but when I was, he'd hit it. This lady in a vape group on FB is donating a couple brand new vapes to me which is incredible and we talked for almost 2 hours and I wanted to tell my bf about our talk cause she was so nice and that's when he cut me off early on to complain about vaping, so I got pissed. He said he wasn't going to congratulate me for continuing to take in nicotine. But I just wanted to talk about the lady. Not only that, he smokes cigs with me from time to time AND he smokes cigars from time to time as well. He has a major weed addiction and gets angry when he goes without. He's overweight and he said I try to dictate how he eats which is NOT TRUE! I try to share my fruit with him cause I love fruit, or if he buys a shit load of chocolate to eat before bed, I say that's not good. I don't tell him what to do about anything but he tries to control me even the people I am friends with who are guys so I don't hang out with them for him but he hangs out with his female friends whether I like it or not.
My whole reason for being upset in the first place is because he's always lecturing me about vaping when I don't ask him. He vapes WEED, though! I told him to stop trying to tell me what to do, I am almost 33 years old, I have been smoking since I was 12 and I want to save my life! But he says I'm just going to substitute one addiction for another and plus one of his friends "had a heart attack from vaping". There's no way that was from vaping only - he clearly had underlying issues. He is watching propaganda. I spent 2 whole days crying in my bed - didn't eat, shower, or brush my teeth.
He texted from the new apartment we are supposed to live in and he was saying how gorgeous it is and that all he needs now is me there and some more furniture. I was supposed to see him over the weekend while he came back to town to pack more from his parent's place, but we fought all weekend. I shudder to think of moving in. All he wants to do is "move past this", but I feel betrayed, made fun of, guilty, and ashamed. My depression is back now and it's a shame because I was just telling him last week that I haven't felt depressed in probably over a month which is huge, so now I'm back at square one. After he beat me down, my first thought was to self-harm but I stopped a year ago but the fact he made me have those thoughts and he's supposed to love me really concerns me. At one point, he said, "Yea, go ahead and stay miserable in your apartment and deal with your loud-ass neighbors then." He simply went off on tangents. He is the main reason that triggered me enough to end up hospitalized in 2019 and 2020 for 5 days both times.
Oh yea, and apparently, I am the worst communicator in the world to him - he loves to tell me that when he gets like this, even though I try but I am aware that I struggle to communicate when I'm overwhelmed because my thoughts are clustered and I lose track of my thoughts and then feel as if I'm not making sense to that person - I FEAR of sounding crazy and then he said those things to prove to me that I in fact am. So, he succeeded, he got it all out, feels better, and here I am falling apart and feeling betrayed whilst questioning if I still want to marry him or move in.
Another thing last week he did was act like he understood my values when I brought up my thoughts on not being married before moving in and not even at least being engaged. He totally seemed respectful and understanding. Then 3 days later, I was overwhelmed thinking about moving with him while having all these mental health issues and what I'll do when I need to isolate while he's there, and he thought I was still thinking about marriage before moving in. So, he starts going in on me saying my love shouldn't have to come with conditions and that if this does not crystallize, then this might be a DEAL BREAKER!? I was only speaking out loud about my thoughts, not giving an ultimatum! I wasn't saying I wouldn't move in (even though I wasn't feeling ready so soon), so why did he mislead me? It was a lovely conversation! That's what set the tone for all the arguing about all this other stuff afterward. It all just fell apart.
Sorry for the super long essay - I'm just going through so much and need all the support I can get.
I’m so sorry he used BPD against you. I think this has been the hardest thing with my relationship. My boyfriend doesn’t understand my abandonment issues. He swears he does and the second I open myself up to communicate with him feelings of insecurity, he blows up at me and dismisses all of my feelings. It’s hard to talk about it with him because he promises to be receptive, but the second I open my mouth about it, I’m suddenly getting lectured and dismissed like I’m a little kid. That takes me back to all kinds of other issues and it breaks my heart into tiny pieces. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I knew how to control it, but I can’t. I’m learning to do my best to not react to his reactivity even if it seemed like he was coming from a kind place to try to understand why I was suddenly down. Even when he calls me nuts, I’m walking away because it just makes matters worse if I react to him. It just feels so lonely. I feel so alone at times. Maybe if you practiced not reacting to his reactivity, it could help you and just maybe one day, it’ll lack of reaction will help us stay in a safer, much peaceful place of being.
I'm sorry, but as somebody who has been in your boyfriend's shoes, the way he treated you is just a tiny fragment of what you've done to him. You should thank him everyday for putting up with your illness and try to focus each day on you getting better.
@@imdbtruth Are you him? If not, you're very confident that our situations are identical. I never said I didn't show appreciation. However, I'm not going to accept being expected to grovel and be subservient - my self esteem and dignity is vital here. If I don't have that, I have nothing whether him and I work out or not. I will NOT kill myself over him, a man that feeds me false promises like marriage to keep me holding on but I have not seen him since January. If I had put his pride and ego first, I would not be able to deal with this and still, I'm struggling because I have trauma and wanted him to be apart of my growth. I wanted him to join me in therapy. Everything is misconstrued and misunderstood. We are on different planets. I can't explain any further. I'm not.
@@ingrid_inthesky You might be possessed by demonic forces... I don't know if you're a Christian, but if you practice living in the spirit of the Lord, then you will find the ability to act like a good woman. Unless you're possessed, or just a bad/selfish person, then there's no reason why you can't reel yourself in once you start to devalue your partner. You make yourself a victim by not changing, and you make your partner the victim with abusive behavior, but don't believe the BS, because it is your fault. That's my opinion...
@@imdbtruth Whatever your opinion is is fine - anything can be misconstrued no matter how much something is explained to a stranger online. I don't really see this conversation going anywhere🤷♀️ Also, I'm absolutely a Christian, not that it it's relevant.
Thank you for this:)
Thank you so much for this amazing video, after almost four years with my boyfriend, I finally had to understand what was going on with us and our relationship, I love him so much and I would do anything to help him, it was really difficult for me to feel incapable of doing nothing, I just wanna ask you a question, do you think that all people with BPD cheat when being in a phase of splitting and devaluating their partner or does it change from one another? Thank you again for all these beautiful pieces of advice and I wish you a happy, beautiful, and peaceful life ❤❤❤
My ex bpd hated me getting support. Devalued and dumoed in a flash leaving me traumatised but im made to feel disloyal for having friends help me pick myself off the floor.
Better if they date each other? Because it’s hectic!
This video has helped me a lot. I really believe my wife has this…
Fantastic what you said.. ex except how bpd people are manipulative we can be perceived that way huge difference I have bpd pls allow me to explain this to you because it truly needs to stop being said that we are
What about day 32? Have you ever thought about that?
Hi I'm not sure what you mean by day 32. The reason it's 31 is because May is BPD awareness month and there are 31 days in May. I will be doing another series of videos next year and I hope you like the content. Thanks for commenting. Take care. Gem x
How soon should u tell people that u have bpd? I just found out and I'm struggling to come to terms with it
Difficult one. I think if someone knows they have BPD first get help. I wouldn't start a relationship without working on myself first ❤❤
So... should some people just not get married?
I feel lost with my partner. I am happy you recognised your bpd and that you are working on it.
Was your bpd from childhood trauma or is it genetic?
😊
Afterv18 years together e 2 children's now my husband with bordelain disorder is asking me a divorce....I love him but he is telling me that he loves me but he is not in love with me any more..What can I do???
How can you suppurate the behavior from them? If they spend too much money or go do drugs when they are not with you….. it closes me and my body…… he is a man with bpd… it’s hard to not get stability from him and keep being attracted and relaxed
oh my gosh so usefull
I’m struggling so much … I truly believe my boyfriend has bpd
Can you update the links in the descriptions? they all seem to be unavailable
Bang on my wife is BPD, expect self harm. She wouldn't
Run. Just run.
Run.
I reviewed the diagnostic criteria with my husband and as I suspected hes got BPD. The imagined catastrophes are wearing.
This was helpful
Wish I knew he had bpd before breaking up 💔
I admire all the partners of someone who has BPD here. I wanna cry while reading all your comments. I have a partner for a year now but since my BPD become so extreme probably 3 months ago. We always have arguments, fighting cursing each other. I asked him if he can stop and understand if Im having an episode though Im sarcastic and always asking him his whereabouts and that irritates him the most. He left few days ago without even saying goodbye because I sent him a bit sarcastic message. That's all. Then I messaged him a while ago explaining and sending videos about BPD but he refused to reply. This is not the first time he's done this not replying when I message. I feel like he's been testing or teasing me but I hope he know how hard it is to suffer with this illness. It is not something even strong person or the most clever one cAn control. I find him so harsh being a partner. The fact that Im isolating myself already inside the room just for us to avoid any conflict but still he found reason to leave.
If you have bpd, its really likely that your partner is a narcisisstic person. So there is no way he will try to understand you the way you expect him to do. People with bpd tend to find narcisistic people that will turn their life hell and make their biggest abondenment fears to become true.
@@didemkucukkaraaslan7373indeed, we broke up and it didnt end well. Court case ongoing.
Nah. No one should tolerate this behavior. Leave him or her. Enjoy life and be a better you. Life is too short.
Say that you can’t help it? Is that true that you there is nothing that you can?
It’s not something you can’t help? Not even with treatment?
The accent slipped when you pulled up your pants.
Hey uhh. Why were the 31 days of BPD taken down?
I think u lie to fit in and to not seem "different" from others
Please make your video louder. It's very soft
I mean, i do like your video, but the things you say, they do not do them for us. It's one sided. Communication e.g. is most times impossible, i'm being stonewalled aloooot. Etc etc, it's exhausting and abusive. We have needs to. Who cares for US?
God bless you. Thanks for sharing hope. I would love to converse with your husband.by email to learn coping when disregulation happens