DATING: Why Your Checklist Is Worthless - Ben Stuart
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- čas přidán 4. 08. 2017
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*update at the bottom*
I’m 27 and have never really dated or had a boyfriend. A couple weeks ago I threw away my list and broke free from a sin I asked the Lord to help me break free from while I was still single before I got into a relationship; it took years. I’ve been asking for God to give me his eyes and heart and I said l trust You more than myself to navigate dating and whatever and whenever it happens, I trust you. Well, I met a guy last week and we haven’t stopped talking and we’re going on a second date when he gets back from a work trip and he LOVES Jesus. Stay tuned, I’ll keep you updated. I think this is going to end well and I hope it will be an encouragement to someone.
Please do make sure to update! :) Good luck, you seem amazing.
Praise God
That’s amazing
Girl YES would love to hear what comes up next. Blessings‼
@@evelynbirdsall788 We've got our third date, a dinner date, this week. :)
I cannot get over Ben. He's always so on point.
Great advise. Chase after God. Pursue God, love, joy, & peace. Set your ultimate goal on God, Heaven. & getting you both and yours family there. I am afraid so many kids or adults won’t/don’t listen. Too much reality & sacrifice (love); not Lust/consumerism.
THIS IS TRUTH - I 'm ridiculously happily married & it's very much in-spite of my stupid list.
In fact, my Dad, thankfully, when he saw I was about to break up with the man that God would have to be my husband, told me to go get that stupid list I wrote that my Dad told me never to write. My Dad then proceeded to walk down the list debunking the stupid notions I had & helping to release me from the stupid image I had drew up in my head.
This truth changed my life forever.
Almost everything in my life comes back to that lesson of learning God's plan is greater than anything we can conjure in our minds & how our expectations can hold us back from God's very best, which, would be the hardest thing to miss out on.
I'd say you have a fair point - we shouldn't make a checklist of all the physical characteristics we want our future spouse to check off.
But I'd say it's a wise decision to have a list of characteristics you want someone to have before you even start to date them. Some examples include: being a devoted follower to Christ, having the intention to eventually get married (as in you aren't dating just for fun) and that they should have the same calling of what ministry God has called them to; whether this is doing ministry overseas, doing church ministry, ministry in the community or maybe camp ministry.
💯💯💯💯💯
Agreed!
A checklist says I don't accept your unique qualities, but rather I acknowledge you only if XYZ. As he points out we don't really know who's going to be the best for us. Forget the checklists. If the main thing, Christ, remains central the rest can meld.
On point yet again...I experienced this while cleaning pools in Spring Tx.
I saw all these old couples fighting over the sections of the newspaper over a cup of coffee....after decades of each others company, they still showed passion, they still laughed at little quarks, they were happy.
Made me reevaluate my relationship I was in and how I approach dating, even in my 30s 😂🤦♂️❤🤘
I think we just need to date and let God order our steps one by one... I think by doing this we might be surprised where it leads as God truly knows better than we know what we need 🙏🏽
Love what was said here. Unfortunately for me though I've found that even if you are chasing after God and realize that there are awesome people running next to you, it doesn't mean it'll work out. People still have their preferences after all. Of course you need to respect that 100%, but doesn't make it hurt any less. Here's to hoping the stars will align one day.
Wow!
Just what I needed.
Thank you sir
God bless
I love this mans' wisdom. Praise God for true godly counsel on dating! We live in a world and time where it's all about 'have it your way' but those that seek godly counsel, will eventually see the hand of God in everything. The bible says in the book of Hosea 4:6 my people are destroyed from a lack of knowledge." Also, Where there's no vision, the people perish, but he that keeps the law, happy is he. Prov.29:18 ❤
This is great! Exactly what I needed to hear.
Where you from.. you're beautiful
Amen. Praise God cuz that Proverbs 31 list is too perfect to keep up with.
Oh My Goodness!!
You are so on point. Thank you for confirming exactly how I feel. I can’t stand when people tell me they have this ridiculous long list of crap to have their perfect mate. I’m like, okay keep waiting!!
Well I'm not a high school student, nor do I live in Atlanta, but this was a great video lol
Companian mentality! Wooh! This is good stuff!
I thank God for this preacher!!🙏🏽🙏🏽
"Chase after God"
"That's where you're gonna be most alive"
*** note though, Ben probs doesn't mean this but @ everyone don't get the idea that God owes you marriage. God has different gifts for everyone and His plan is so so so good :)
I would love to see a video with both of them together discussing how they are different and compliment each other
Loved it!
Wonderfully said!
This is SO GOOD.
Amen! Thank you sir
I needed this
Thank you! 😍
The difficulty for me is when you find people who chase God, as much or more than you, and you find multiple, or you find one with the same drive. The difficulty is having patience to jump the gun or pursue the wrong person. Becasue there is more than one person similar to me in that capacity in this world and in my life. So I need to wait on God, but the difficulty with me is making sure I'm not too idle in my waiting and missing an opportunity. Handle the possible and God will take care of the impossible. It's a fear I need to let go and go back to waiting on God while actively living with the identity God has for me.
Going through the same thing
Chase God and make a conscious effort to ask them out!
right in the feels ^^
His commentary is similar to Jason Evert. Awesome reminder, God :)
Excelente mensaje!
Ultimate allegiance 🔑
How about a checklist of what you don’t want..... I.e. alcoholic, liar, disrespectful etc etc
I only have 3 things on my checklist;
- he loves God more than I love God.
- he leads me
- he wants to talk about God and the Bible with me
I've been in 2 churches over the last 7 yrs. I pursue what God wants me to be..and I ve found very few men who were single..did anything..not converse. ?? So..its been trying. Raising a son..its lots to take care of. Church u attend has people of another culture..So it seems there are no possible mates. It's hard..Have met men..but their spirit was not for spiritual growth. I avoid even having a coffee w those. Pray some person with Clear understanding of God..is directed to be a leader..And that longs to have a family. I'm hopeful and clear what I will not accept.
this is fab :)
Beautiful ❣️
Wow, I love this video because it is so focus on God instead of just some human desires. The waiting process can be really difficult, I am now 35 and had been single for 10 years watching people dating and getting married, it's very difficult for me. I had contact some Christian marriage agency that claim to work for Christian only and give people a list of ten checkbox in Hong Kong. When I get to understand what they were trying to do, I felt like they are so rude because they have their own standard of beauty it seems like they just want women to be skinny and with fair skin, and they made a slogan that degrade women with that's outside of their own little standard, which was just plain selfish. That company had ended up anger quite some Christians who desire Godly marriage. Anybody who happened to came across and read this message please pray for the staffs that works at that Christian marriage agency to repent themselves of their selfishness and stop breaking others' heart as if that wasn't much of a big deal because that attitude itself just anger me. Anyway, I am glad to find this video and thank you for sharing that it's important to focus on God first before any other desires.
anyone else hear the echo?
Amen and amen.
My checklist is 1. Christian, 2. Conservative. And 3. Relatively attractive. Then obviously... Being nice to be around on a good day, and more good days than “bad” lol
Is that too much to ask for?
Good point .
So hello who is running the good race with me to meet you hellooooooooooo hellooooooooooo ☺️
Hello Jason
I have a question I have made a list but it's not about looks. on my list are things like has to love God more than anyone, would not put me in a bad situation loves me for who I am, wants to make it to heaven and we grow together closer to God. This is basically what I have on my list but is this wrong.
I have this too
Very truuueeee
Yess
Girls want a guy who looks like Thor and is a Youth Pastor 🙄
Married for 14 years here...the guy doesn't need to look like Thor but he shouldn't let himself go to seed either.
True true, that goes both ways
@@Nate-pz1rf of course. :)
Girls want the best that they can get. I wish there was a way to capitalize a (.)
@@joec1212 that's a very bitter view on the world and a false one. Some girls may be like you said but most are not. Inteligent and mature (in their emotions) girls want a good fit for them, a man whose faults they are able to live with, a man who is faithful, who loves them and who they can rely on to build a family, someone who is kind to them and has a good heart and for a Christian woman she wants a Christian man as well.
When you treat a woman as an object you are only revealing how hurt you are and how your views of the world are skewed. Both men and women are valuble and are meant to complete each other, not fight and belitle one another over their differences.
great advice but you assume a checklist is all physical features. PS 37:4.
No...you're assuming he assumes that. He made his point with the online dating matching process example that used checklists of desirables only to find the matches built on the same checklists ended in disaster.
@@chrisv.noire.6388 He assumes all checklist are "consumer mentality" similar to a dating website therefore saying having a checklist is wrong. But then goes on to say run your race and when we see someone running as well that gets our attention.... (why do they get your attention, possibly b/c of a mental checklist we all have). So why would having a checklist be bad? Its good advice for those who are stuck on physical features or as he would say a consumer mentality. Like I referenced above, delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. I dont care how attractive a man is, how smart, how kind, how fun, etc., if he doesn't love the Lord (#1 on my checklist) then he isn't for me.
@@jessicacooper3911 you're right! I just wanted to point out that I think he meant that someone caught your attention because you looked to your side and they were there. In that sense, the only thing that person "checks" is: hey they're running too! And in the same direction! Because in the end, that's what's really matters :)
Wow
.😎 🤣🤣
GOD BLESS U BROTHER
I want somebody amazing but i choose to be average on every level.
I am 36. I have had a lot of women. This seems like just another tell tail sign that I should not settle, but be glad with the virgin woman who is chasing me. We need a helpmate. Especially one that is more able to pair bond. Love me some Ben Stuart!
Time to take “watching cheesy terrible CZcams videos for relationships advice “ off of my checklist
Why? Because this video really resonates with the truth, and it hurts.
This is far from cheesy, but ok
@@joec1212 Probably
Joe c you have to understand that not everyone that watches this video is someone who is in Gods path. To others love is portrayed in a different way. They seek what they see on TV or on movies and expect that to work. And if he was really looking for love he would have a more open heart. He is in these comments for the wrong reasons.
This is great advice, but be aware that a person can decide one day to longer chase God or stop chasing that which you had in common. It's sad, but it happens a lot.
So are you saying that we're just going to happen upon our significant other? I'm turning 24 next month. I'm afraid because I have 6 friends between 28 and 33 who are unmarried but seriously want to get married. Their problem is my problem. Where the hell do we go to meet girls? All we do is work, for the most part. What places should we be going to? Thanks! :)
You chase God and you love God with all your heart.
I'm sure there are Christian events and conferences around you. Just be friendly and get to know people.
Ultimately, if you seek God, He won't just leave you helpless.
Yeah I feel you! I am a 24 woman and sometimes i'm like, where is my man at? But I remember I decided to let God take the lead, and tell myself just chill it's not time yet😉😌
As a man it's easier, don't worry about age, men age well if they grow in wisdom and Spirit.
nothing wrong with having a list but make sure God is #1 and the rest isn't superficial.
Ben Stuart has some good points but I disagree is that a list helps narrow it down to a generalized person. What it does it makes you end up setting a standard. I disagree wholeheartedly because a list is how I narrowed down my standards and matched the love of my life to that list. After prayer and searching that persons' character with conversations and experience. This ends up eliminating about 99% of those that are not compatible with you.
Ben is dynamic but this plan is just hoping to find someone "running beside you" and have things that fall apart because just having a desire for God doesn't save a marriage. You have to be compatible. For example, if you want to have a woman with a kind heart...that eliminates 99% of all feminists because they are filled with hate. If you hate a certain political mindset, then you eliminate that other person from your list. You can make a list and make a list that ends up narrowing down people. It won't help you find a perfect human and it won't eliminate all bad traits or undesirable ones but it will end up finding you the most compatible person. Another example, if you are tired of being with someone that doesn't make a lot of money and they are natural spenders then you don't date someone that is a blue-collar worker (not talking about those mechanics that make $55.00 an hour) but talking about those that make low pay and are natural spenders and all they want to do is stay at home and raise children. If you want that then that is ok, but for an example lets say you make $80,000 a year, and after taxes you make $60,000 a year. Would it not be nicer to find someone that also has a white collar job that earns another $80,000 gross a year? That is $120K a year net. Can you provide more responsibly for that family then? Yes you can. This is not saying that you should only search for a person that makes money but that is on the list.
Then take that list and pray over it. Many marriages fail because they went separate directions. Why? You prayed, and god seemingly brought someone with the same Christian values but then the marriage failed...you didn't make a list and pray over it and NOT settle for someone coming up beside you! If you follow Ben Stuarts advice you will more than likely be divorced within 10 years because you only did the 1st step and not searched diligently for God's choice and your prayers to be answered based on your list. This takes alot of soul searching. In the end, no one is perfect and the person you marry will sneak something in...that is ok...Love hides a multitude of sins. Just pray, and talk often with your spouse, love them and set your heart to accept that person and meet them where they are at sacrificially.
This video is not realistic. There is nothing wrong with making a list based on non negotiables. Such as:
Must be a Christian
Avoid someone who cheated on their previous partner
Avoid someone who prefers bar scene over family scene
Avoid people who divorced outside scriptural reasons
Avoid narcissistic people
Can you handle the emotional baggage they bring to the relationship
Avoid people with to many sexual partners in the past
Avoid extremely hypergamous women
And the list goes on
This is a Christian man, and the Bible is a guide to relationships. It has the perfect example of love and sacrifice in it known as Christ and God. I dont think this man is completely saying we should omit standards or filters. I think the things you just listed are kind of understood or in a sense, shouldnt need to be stated because it's a given. Nonnegotiable or ok, preferences like you're customizing a car though. The car needs to run, it needs uncluttered and transport what you need to transport. It needs to get your from point A to B safely. But it doesnt need to be a sport car, it doesnt need to be a truck on a 6 inch lift with a loud exhaust. You can make non negotiable that you need for the sake of your relationship with the person and especially with God. For your spiritual health and secular health. That's a given
Not everyone knows what’s a given until they learn from their mistakes. Using your car analogy. People fall in love with a Ferrari F355 which many consider automotive perfection. But after dealing with it’s high maintenance and issues. Owners learn and create a list of what to avoid in the future. I have not read the wisdom on women in proverbs and other biblical books until I made the mistake of marrying an adulterous and dangerous woman. The supposed “givens” have not made me aware until too late. A list is nothing but learned wisdom and should be shared with other Christians so we can learn and grow.
No offence but your list is highly unrealistic. You might as well marry a female version of Jesus and be done with it, because humanity is messy and no-one is perfect, and to this guy's point, this list would basically exclude every woman on planet earth and yet there would be plenty of people suitable for you. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror and realise how flawed you are.
It’s really not. My guy friends and I have met plenty of women like this. They are rare. But they are out there. Getting involved with the wrong woman is not worth it. Might as well remain single. That’s why women constantly say “where are all the good guys at”. They don’t want to date you, they are looking for good woman. “You have to be the person your looking to date”, as Andy Stanley would say
What if you're physically unattractive and nobody wants to even give you a chance? I've been trying my whole life and now I'm 44 years old and never had any relationship or even a date :(
don't be mean to yourself
You'd be surprised how a hair cut and some new clothes can change a person's appearance. Confidence also plays a big role in getting a womans attention. Try working on those things. We wont be attractive to everyone but we will be to someone. All the best!
@@TheyCallMeSUCCESS Thank you. You are kind. But you must remember, I am now 44 years old. I have done all the things you mentioned all through the years. I have realized ultimately, that it just doesn't matter. I have accepted that this is what God wants for me, but at times, I do long for companionship. It is what it is. I just have to learn to be happy with God's will.
@@TheyCallMeSUCCESS Plus, I guess you just have to look at all the stuff happening around the world to put things into perspective and not be so focused on an 'unimportant' issue such as companionship.
You're putting Taylor Swift in the same category as Adele? BLASPHEMY!
Yup. Taylor is timeless and sexy while Adele stopped being popular or prolific in 2015.
lol both have hits upon hits of heartbreak..
@@phoenix5054 also Taylor is talentless and Adele isn't
aye who tryna date me doe