3 Tips for Neurodivergent Marriages (Is Your Partner Autistic? ADHD? Neurotypical?!?)
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- čas přidán 26. 06. 2024
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Are you in a neurodivergent relationship? If you and/or your partner, have autism, adhd, or other neurodivergence, you're likely experiencing some of the common struggles that most neurodivergent couples face. The good news is that you're not alone and there are ways to make the situation easier to manage!
In this video, I share 3 tips for neurodivergent marriages to help improve communication and manage conflict in the fact of common challenges we almost all face from time to time.
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TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 - Introduction
00:28 - 3 Tips for Neurodivergent Marriages
01:31 - 1st tip
07:16 - 2nd tip
13:35 - 3rd tip
16:45 - Summary of the tips
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My most beneficial phrase I’ve ever used with my partner and son who are both on the spectrum is:
“I’m not angry at you as a person, I’m just frustrated at the situation”
It still allows me to feel validated in my frustration instead of having to hide it which only makes me feel resentful and unimportant, but it also makes them not shut down or overcompensate in a panic because they understand that they aren’t being rejected.
Myself and my partner are both on the spectrum but clarifying phrases like this are so helpful. We are used to people being angry/frustrated with US and we can't tell why.
Another useful one is instead of the "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
*guilt spiral, something is wrong, is it me? What have I done, they're going to leave me*
We can say "What's wrong?"
"I am just sad/angry/frustrated about work/other. It is not you."
"Can I do anything?"
"No."
It's a lot less fraught with anxiety and a lot clearer. Even though we feel bad we cannot help the other, we don't feel it is because we have done something wrong.
Amazing, this is exactly how to best communicate with my 10 yo son with ADHD and on the spectrum.... it's been a saving grace for us both. Nice to see I'm not alone in this world.
@@ringothecat1462 I’ve got ADHD too 💕 I know it can be tough to live with us and to stay calm through our outbursts but I’m so happy to hear how you’re trying to use the right language to help him know it’s not his fault. I would have really appreciated that kind of understanding growing up.
If you haven’t already seen them, check out:
How to ADHD
ADHD vision
Stuart Anderson
The mini ADHD coach
Psych2Go
@@Sky-Child oh my god yes, it’s so important to communicate what’s going on instead of “nothing” or “I don’t know”
Instant anxiety and frustration
@paigelarson
Thanks!! I will have a look at your recommendations!! 😊
This reminds me of a certain shame I can recall vividly.
I married my wife 21 years ago now. Dated her 5 years before that. I’m 42. So you can see that I found my match early and recognized that she worked to hear me and understand me. Well.
In those dating years she was in college. On the side she baked these character cakes. Those life like things that people make for kids birthday parties etc. even did the fondant icing ones. She was very popular, and truly could have opened a bakery , but that’s now what she wanted. Anyway. One year at Christmas. I thought long and hard about her and what she liked. I wanted to do something special. This was pre internet shopping mind you. So I went to this rare book store. And talked with the owner. Described what I wanted. And a week later he calls with a French pastry book from the 1920s. It’s roughly 18 inches square , and about 3 inches thick. And is beautifully illustrated . I took French in school. And could read the recipes. I’m not fluent. But a recipe isn’t very complicated language whne the measurements are numeric and easy to get. Plus the illustrations are great. It was in well used shape. But was leather bound and just showed that character that was amazing to me. I paid $250 for it in 1990s money. I took it and had it professionally wrapped. Very nice. And was to be given at her parents house in front of the family.
That day came. She opened it. And immediately out of nowhere , her aunt says “ he got you a cookbook , girl. You better think about this , what’s next year a vacuum cleaner ? “. I literally almost choked on my own tongue. I couldn’t breathe. How could I be so stupid. I spoke up and tried to defend myself. But it ended in the whole room erupting in laughter. Except my wife. She was in tears. And at the time. I didn’t know that it was happy tears. I thought she was crying because I had made such an ass of myself. Later that night , she finally got to tell me that it was the most thoughtful thing she’d ever received. And to this day she keeps it out in a place of honor , and we’ve used it many times to make special treats.
If she weren’t who she is , that could have easily turned into my demise socially as I would have turned completely inward and never trusted again. I recognized who she really was that day. I proposed the following year , and that same aunt said “ well. What took you so long , we all thought you’d never get around to it. We’ve all known for years now that you too would marry. You’re joined at the hip as it is “. We were. And still are. But it’s because she’s so understanding with me. Because I still do off base things because I just don’t get it sometimes until it’s too late. She’s always there to catch me.
Thank you. You're story is beautiful.
What a beautiful testimony to authentic and lasting Love. So uplifting, thank you for sharing ❤️
Cried reading this. So beautiful. Thanks for sharing your story. Such an amazing gift. I resonate a lot with that story.
Beautiful memory and vulnerability.
Thank you for sharing. We help more people than we know when one shares in such detail and clarity, authentically. Appreciated, and that's awesome. I'm happy to hear of your bond. Your story has resonated, & given me some final clarity on an aspect of my experience in life.
Beautiful story
After 20 years of me saying to my wife, "I know this conversation is going to go sour, but I never know why", I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Now I understand that the sour turn in some of our conversations is coming from differences in our communication habits. Videos like yours are helping me learn the mechanism.
Exactly
Same. These videos are helping it all fall into place.
Absolutely same here
That feeling of dread when one of those conversation starts and I feel I have no control over the outcome and that it can only go bad
At least you realize that. My husband has destroyed his relationship with his grown children, and now me. I’ve been hanging on for 35 years. I just want to get along, and I want to be loved.
My husband and I are both Autistic/ADHD - while he prefers to dig and dig at a problem immediately while emotions are still high, I prefer to let things process for a few days and let the emotion simmer down. The compromise we came up with is that we have a specific channel on a private Discord server. We can both send messages in there, we spoiler it and mute the channel so that one person can make a note of what's bothering them and start some reflective work, when they're ready, and within a week we both agree to a time where we can come together with no other distractions, during a protected time, and take turns discussing our perspectives. If we need to pause, we make a brief summary of what was discussed and we can take a few hours or days to process and come back to it. That way, there's visible progress towards a resolution, but everyone's got the space they need to feel their feelings and hear what the other person's trying to say.
That is an AMAZING idea. My husband and I will "discuss" and pause for a while, then come back to the discussion as well, but I really like the idea of "visible progress" as well as the ability to work out your thoughts without the pressure of emotions being volatile. I literally forget what the other person has said in high emotional contexts (as well as what I have said back). It made things really difficult for us until he finally realized (and I could explain) that I wasn't doing it on purpose. We're much better now, but new strategies are welcome.
Thank you for sharing yours!! SB
@@sarahbeisell3511 I'm glad you found it helpful! I also really like the spoilering, because it lets you express things that you might not ready to have another person hear yet - either because you've not quite figured out how to word it, or because you're embarrassed, or whatever. Rejection Sensitivity can be one hell of a drug, and knowing that you can trust the other person to not look behind the spoiler until you're ready makes it easier to take that first step into vulnerability.
This is so self-reflective and healthy whether it's two NT or two ND folks. Most couples could use exercises like this to help remedy conflict in a constructive and compassionate way.
I had a ND partner and I'm NT and a huge communicator and I have always wondered if he actually understood my messages when I was hurt and trying to problem resolve. I once said to him: I wish you would have reached out to reconnect after we disconnected and it went over his head and he has no understanding of my point.
I am autistic and my partner is ADHD - we've been together for a decade and understand each other really well. One of my favorite code terms that I use is saying "I'm feeling dizzy" when I'm feeling on the brink of a meltdown while we are at a social engagement so that he knows we need to leave very soon, it's incredibly helpful!
Being on spectrum and my wife being NT, there is so much conflict
My Aspie partner and I didn't consciously set up a "code word", but after 5 years together I have come to realize what "I need a nap" really means. It means: "I know you've been here alone all day and I just got home from work and you want time with me. But I desperately need to be alone for an hour or so. Then, you zany neurotypical extrovert, I can give you the loving attention you need and deserve." Works like a charm for both of us. I feel "heard" and he doesn't have to give that whole speech !
My biggest difficulty with leaving things and getting back to them later is trusting that we will actually get back to them.
I’ve got adhd and my partner has autism, we’ve been together for 10 years with 2 kids, moved in together after 6 months when I was 18 and he was 21.
The book “what men with Asperger syndrome want to know about women, dating and relationships” by maxine aston has been really beneficial for Dan.
It's the same for us! I mean that I've got ADHD and he autism. Is there a way to come in contact with you? I would love to chat with someone about it.
@@NiHaLxSeNnAr as far as I can tell, not without posting out contact info in this public chat... I'm in the same situation. I really like my boyfriend and feel so comfortable with him most of the time, like I can be myself and we have so much fun together and in common, but then sometimes we but heads or I stress him out, but I'm not trying to, but it happens more than I'd like when we're trying to plan. We've only been dating a few months, but we're both hopeful we'll get along well enough to get married and have a family.
I'm neuro diverse and my husband is neuro typical. With consideration, respect and patience it can work.
@Paul Schwartz I'm really not lol but thanks x
I'm not saying that a neurotypical partner should be submissive to a neurodiverse partner, BUT, I think a good strategy if the neurodiverse partner works full-time and you know that typically, after a full day, they're not up for serious discussion as soon as they walk in the door, greet them and tell them that you need to talk to them, but give them their down time. An example of a strategy is, "6:30pm: ND partner arrives home. If blue collar worker, showers and puts on casual clothes, if white collar worker, exercises, or showers, wears casual clothes and has downtime, 7:45pm: has evening meal. 8:15pm: finished evening meal and you talk to them.
@@peterwynn2169 The only partner I lived with did not get this. It was really upsetting. I wasn't diagnosed at the time and could rationalize to him why I needed to be alone after work. When I was a little girl-teenage years, I always told my mom I want my husband to live in another house. 😅 I now understand that desire deeply. I think I would need a whole room for quiet time.
@@tee57515 I think you should consider watching Norwegian TV series called "Dag" (2010-2015) if you can find a way to see it. I don't know if it's currently available in any streaming service.
See the IMDB page for details.
My husband has ADHD. I'm realizing that half my frustration with him is usually rooted in self hatred because I do the exact same things that bother me so much. I was in denial for a long time but therapy is helping me untangle cptsd from childhood
My neurotypical problem is that my husband rarely thinks a problem exists. If I am determined to discuss the issue at hand, my partner becomes resentful, sensitive, and decides that I am purposefully attacking him, as usual. As a result, he usually refuses to take partial ownership of the situation, and throws it back in my court. In other words, he may acknowledge that I have a problem, but it’s my issue, never his. See, if I hadn’t brought up the non-existent issue, there would have been no problem in the first place. It’s a circle of gaslighting that inevitably amounts to my bashing my neurotypical head against a brick wall. I feel as though it’s not worth the inevitable conflict. At this point, I just ignore his behavior, and get on with my life, by myself. Since he only plans getaways around his two passions, golf and football,(which I do not share), I have decided to plan my own, solitary, vacations in 2024. If he has a problem with it, then maybe he will take ownership of said problem. Honestly, after 25 years of his behavior, with no resolution, I could not care less.
You two need a divorce. Immediately. I’ll just say you both don’t deserve or have the patience for one another.
Putting up with things as a default setting is very, very relatable.
My husband has never got involved in any problem any issue . I raised my kids like a single mum and he was the provider . He’s affectionate enough when it’s one on one but has been very frustrating over the years with his lack of involvement with the kids and social skills . I knew something was wrong but only recently figured he’s no doubt on the spectrum . At least I get it now but it still doesn’t always make it easier . He’s a good man and a hard worker and I feel guilty when I criticise something he just doesn’t get .
My dad is very similar and I had a similar situation as I was the kid, I noticed this same pattern recently looking back. Glad I’m not the only one
It literally takes me like 2-3 hours to calm down over things, and a lot of things upset me. I get a lot of resentment. I'm having issues with my partner being emotionally there for me. I don't know what to do about it. They work a lot, it frustrates me because I know they need to work, but I also want my partner to spend time with me and acknowledge my feelings. It's REALLY HARD! Especially since he works from home and is always around, but always is working; ALL THE TIME. I don't think he has the ability to emotionally connect with me, because he also resents me due to this issue of resentment in him too now, because of arguments.
I understand you very well, that would make me crazy as well. Your husband can't meet your needs. Maybe you could consider to get your needs meet by other things or people. Maybe a hobby or job that you love, and friends, with whom you can talk about your feelings....a group...
I'm both. I either jump hard on the problem in pursuit of an immediate solution or I think I'm OK when something bothers me and then I ignore it for way too long.
This is incredible, first of all seeing how many folks on her are autism/adhd partnered like myself and partner! I have adhd and I need to be able to express my frustration…and here we are 11 great years together but I need some support to know how our different communications can work better. Thanks for this channel and your videos. It’s good to have a place where people have things in common!
me and my boyfriend are both neurodivergent (he has aspergers and i have ocd) AND YEA-
we always help each other and we're the most supportive as possible, i really really love our relationship bro-
I think this video would have saved my marriage. We divorced 8 years ago and are still friends and care about each other. We went to counseling but it was not helpful at all. This information is completely enlightening.
I'm Aspie, Hubby is Autie and our boy is ADHD. Not gonna lie, it can be tough. The key is playing to our strengths - divide up chores/responsibilities as to who's better able to do them. Tag-team parenting and code words have been vital for us too.
Just curious, what is the difference between aspie and autie? I am autistic and have been under the impression that aspergers is just an outdated term for autism, is it not?
@@thatsjustgaydude yep, call us outdated but we (Hubby&I) still use those terms. All the Aspies I know personally are on the over-analytical and depressive side whereas the classic autistics have a certain childlike joy and strong imagination. We are exactly those opposite stereotypes. I understand that a lot of people don't like the labels, but it's just more descriptive of us two. Personal choice. We all fall under the umbrella of ASD.
Could you please tell me the codes?! That could help me a lot!
@@djplexiglass just little things like we can manage to say "too much" if in sensory overload, or "meltdown" if we spot one coming. "BAD DAY" also means severe depression - that way Jon or I can 'tag' each other for the primary parenting role and the other can go to another room/away to regulate. It means our son sees that we remove ourselves more calmly to deal with it instead of having meltdowns in front of him. (I also plan to teach our son more strategies as he gets older. We have a "glitter jar" and use timers etc. for him so far, as he's only 5.)
@@HannahRainbow88 Thank you so much, Hannah!
Oh gosh what a great analogy! I will now think of my strategies to care for myself as putting on my oxygen mask ❤️. I have 2 trusted and dear friends who know of the situation (Asperger husband and NT wife) and when we chat we talk about all sorts of things (hardly ever about the challenges that Asperger’s brings) and I feel refreshed. My husband had a massive meltdown 3 days ago (something small, the cat ran in front of him in the kitchen and he nearly dropped the plate he was carrying). Of course it was, as usual, all my fault and he has not spoken to me at all since .. he even now sleeps in a separate bedroom (not unusual after meltdowns). I understand, I have taken on board all the sound advice you and other experts have given me, I am giving him space (he spends nearly all day in front of his computer in his ‘den’ with the door firmly closed, he refuses food preferring to make himself sandwiches - though he did accept an omelette I made for him last night, but I did not stay in the kitchen while he ate). I think he realises that Asperger’s figures in his life (he has 2 grandchildren and 2 siblings on the spectrum) but refuses to acknowledge the possibility and I’m afraid to try to discuss it (even regarding his grandchildren and siblings) because he ‘blows up’ and I receive the full brunt of his anger. If you have got this far in what I’ve written I thank you for listening …. just knowing someone out there understands and takes the time to listen means so much ….. thank you 🙏
Oh, this afternoon I am putting on my oxygen mask again and singing with a small group of friends ❤️
Oh whoops, your Emotions download is no longer available … too late! 😢
I have ASD and I have to solve problems straight away. My wife is NT and needs time to process things, but it is hell for me because I don’t know what she's thinking, or what she wants to do, or anything, and it drives me nuts. I can’t think of anything else until things are solved.
Literally the same. Have to solve it right away or I will just be stuck in the problem in a loop getting nowhere, and with them not being direct or open with their part of the process I have no idea where it's going, it's scary. Basically dependent on the other person to feel OK again, or not just OK but to actually function again. Like some do I can't just put it in the back of my mind while I figure it out and just go about life as usual.
I love that you don't procrastinate!!
16.5 years my mrs understands me well by the music im playing while doing something or even where i put my keys shoes and wallet when i come in the door
That's love!
I'm not yet diagnosed but unfortunately my autism has contributed to the breakdown of my relationship - I wish I'd found this video sooner but I can't thank you enough for these tips, hopefully they might help me to get things back on track
Are you in a neuro diverse/neuro typical marriage?
This is pure gold! And it makes me incredibly sad. If I only knew earlier - that my ex is probably autistic, that I might be as well, and that we could have solved things better. Maybe.
I learned early on in our marriage that I had to give my husband (ASD) at least three days to process and think about the topic we needed to discuss. He hates talking, b/c he says it leads to upset. Iften that can't be helped. In our 37 years together, I had been adapting, conceding, and adjusting to his needs. We only recently came to the conclusion that he is ASD (I am NT). I am heartbroken and in deep grief about this, b/c all during our marriage I thought a day would come when he would gave the time to devote to our relationship, which he always claimed was the problem...work first, no time for anything else. Now I must accept things are as they are, it won't change, and the concessions and adjustments will continue to come from me. This doesn't feel like relationship. It almost feels like parenting. It's so hard, every day. Nothing about this is easy. And now I'm 64. 😢
You’re not alone, I felt the same way. It is so disheartening.
Would you have stayed had you known?
Well i need to find friends and a relationship first but those are hard for us and me specifically.
These are great tips not just for neurodivergent relationships but relationships in general. My partner has autism and generalised anxiety. I have bipolar but I'm also a mental health nurse who specialises in autism which helped us navigate these things early doors. But it's good to hear from somebody else who is neurodivergent that we are getting things right.... and for those of you in the comments these 3 tips do help a relationships flourish. Thanks for this video, I think it will help many people 👍🏻
This is very interesting and in a weird way it makes me think about my cohabitation with my sister, because being family and living as roommates are both types of partnerships in a way…
Literally dated my "soulmate" for 11 years. Recently dumped and now I wonder if my lack of diagnosis is why we split. Life is falling apart and Im so afriad a clinical diagnosis will destroy me.....
Diagnosis is very freeing. You can always find other aspies to talk to they will get you
How are things now?
@@kelsey7442 I can sum it up by just saying, "lol."
Ups and Downs; Therapist also thinks I need an Autism Assessment. Basically put me in this weird position of, lost 11 years of my life at the very moment I found out I have never been normal and their are answers for my differences....
Kindof makes it difficult to grow the courage to speak out to new women, as I am "officially" not normal.
Just staying active and learning the new me.
Thanks for asking though! 👍
Very helpful video, thank you. I will say that i used betterhelp (through Pride counseling) for something like 3 or 4 months and only after ending it did my therapist bother to tell me they never received my intake form, that had important background info, basic things like my pronouns, issues, communication style, etc. It made those months super frustrating, I thought the whole time my therapist didnt bother to read it or ignored it (they often forgot things i told them personally too, asked the same questions over again). In general if you’re someone who has trouble being assertive, online therapy can be really frustrating. Do what’s best for you, dont be like me and get a new therapist when one is just not listening to you.
If you can say I love you “and” I need a minute vs I love you but… it makes a difference.
Very very very helpful tips, and not only for autistic people but actually for every couple who is planning to stay together for a long long time. In fact I will share this with my freshly married friend who is still learning how to compromise and be happy in relationship 😊
I’ve been married nearly 16 years. If it was socially acceptable to do so, I’d say my marriage is perfect (oops - I let that slip). Do we argue? Of course! Not a lot but we do. If you were to ask why my marriage is perfect, I’d say it’s because we communicate well, we are BOTH willing to work on problems between us and we do our best to understand each other.
But our communication didn’t start off well. The first year of our marriage (two years living together) we would end up in screaming fits that got nowhere, often. Eventually I said, this is ridiculous. We can’t keep doing this, and my husband agreed. We had two choices. Ending the marriage or working out what we needed to do to stop the shouting. So I did my research and we learned how to communicate. I think your suggestions are good but the next step, once you’ve taken care of yourself and waited until your calm, and made sure your partner is set up for success, is to use assertive communication. I forget the order but something like “when you X, it makes me feel Y. In future, I’d like it if you could Z”. The other responds with “I’m hearing that you feel Y, followed by their response then a suggestion for compromise. Something like that.
For my insight into my “perfect” marriage, I am riddled with mental and physical conditions that mean I don’t give much back to my husband. For some reason he doesn’t mind. I hate that I can’t be what I want to be for him. He loves me anyway. I’m sure he’d like me to do more but he has listened to me and knows I can’t. He knows that when I’m depressed he hates that and it’s a terrifying time for him so he understands that I have to put my health first.
So we are not without problems. I’m not working and still I do little to help around the house. My husband works endlessly and has to take care of most of the house. It shouldn’t be a good marriage but it is. I continue to try to improve.
I only just found out my life long struggle that has bothered me the most and resulted in thousands of dollars in therapy was a result of Executive Functioning Disorder. It’s been a great relief to know and I now hope to use this knowledge to work around my problems as best I can.
Thank you for sharing and the encouragement. I know I was super glad to know I had adhd, and why I struggled so much when others couldn't get it. I feel like I have the keys to the right tool box now... anyway, I'm dating a wonderful gentleman who had Asperger. He's fantastic, but have have had a few times where we really butted heads. And I've been watching these CZcamss and reading the comments to figure out if we can work in the long term. We both hope so. We've only been dating a few months, so long enough to know we really like each other as people, have physical attractions, and a lot of important values & goals in common.
I really like how we talk stuff out. I've noticed that we have the disagreement at the moment, and then later we share where we were coming from. We both reflect on it and then usually have a great discussion about it again and a lot of times it's either resolved or we have plan for the future.
Frances thank you so much ❤ for your open ness and sharing this, I have tears. It sounds so much like our story similar. In the beginning for us it was the honey moon period but then we realized we had totally diff communication styles, and boundaries. We worked so hard on this but after some very strong arguments. Finally we got to the place where we set limits. It has gotten better and is totally worth it. EFD just got help for this and it’s life changing. Hope things have gotten better for you. Thanks again for sharing it made a difference.
Thanks for the couch story. Helps me realize I'm not the only one like that
Have to solve it right away or I will just be stuck in the problem in a loop getting nowhere, and with them not being direct or open with their part of the process I have no idea where it's going, it's scary. Basically dependent on the other person to feel OK again, or not just OK but to actually function again. Like some do I can't just put it in the back of my mind while I figure it out and just go about life as usual. I usually get very angry and verbal if the person resists, because I can't contain the feelings of the situation as they are, or go on with the problem persisting. I need clarity and once the whole problem is analyzed I need the steps to fix it to be done right away.
This is why issues involving others are hard. It's like others need time, and to feel about things for a while, while I prefer to just approach it logically, analyze it, and efficiently fix it. With my own things I can handle it right away, whether it's mental, practical or anything else. If it's a bigger issue I start the work soon as I have understood it. I can't handle things not being "right" or "correct".
This video is seriously what I need right now. Thanks so much!
This is the most helpful advice video on relationships and communication in general that I have ever, ever seen. Thank you!
I truly love your videos Paul. They are so well informed, engaging and relatable
This was very reassuring, loved the everyday examples of when you might use the communication techines too. Thanks Paul 😊
Hi Paul, thank you for being here. You help so many people, you help me so much.
me and my partner been together for over 4 years, we met just around when i was realising I was autistic. been through a lot together but so much better and happier now that we live together.
My husband and I are both autistic, but still have different communication styles and different needs. I'm also usually the one who is too used to putting up with things. I think tip number two would be very helpful to us. I used to make demands of my husband that he was not ready to meet, resulting in me feeling rejected. When we realized he's autistic, I was able to understand and stop making demands. :)
Hi, Brother Paul, very nice video. As usual you are explaining so good, with examples. I love this picture behind you.
If I wanted a spouse, she would have to be autistic and I can give several reasons why. I had a neurotypical girlfriend, and I remember we had an argument over her rearranging furniture. She moved the dressing table over and wedged it in beside a bed that she placed at a 45 degree angle in the corner of the room and I told her that she wouldn't want to get out of bed in a hurry, as she'd hit her feet on the dressing table. What was her response? "It's a nice design, but you always have to see the negative!" To me, it was almost like getting the Queensland Police to have Honda NSX cars for the Highway Patrol. Yes, the Honda NSX will cut through the air more easily than a Commodore or Falcon, and may be faster than a V8 Commodore, which was one reason why the police tested the Subaru Impreza WRX, but if they have to make an arrest, there's next to no room in the back of a Honda NSX so they have to call for transport.
Also, I remember an American being amazed that I spoke to an Italian girl in Japanese. It was the only common medium we had. It would almost be like me going to Thailand and marrying a Thai woman who doesn't speak any English and saying to people, "My wife doesn't speak English." "Oh, okay. Do you speak Thai?" "No." "Well, how do you communicate?" An autistic woman and I would speak the same language.
Another reason is, hopefully, she would be more willing to say, "Okay, let's have three bedrooms, one for you, one for me and one for intimacy." We could each pursue our own interests and intimacy could be scheduled for certain times.
Just regarding "speaking the same language", my partner and I are both neurodivergent but do not speak the same language at all. I remember a quote... "Once you've met one person with autism... you've met one person with autism." meaning that even in the spectrum, we are all different. I only say this because you may never find the perfect match. Hopefully though, you may find someone close enough that you are both able to make compromises that satisfy.
@@Meeker128-Amy, I don't disagree with that, either. I may never find the perfect match.
Judging.. people are people. You may have just as many issues with an aspie partner...
I don't disagree that two autistic people can have different issues. I mean, one partner might be very affectionate and one partner may not be.
Your theory has a flaw : you assume you'll be more the same type of person basically, if the other person is autistic too. I've engaged with autistic people since I have decided I was ready to accept that about myself, and it didn't help me get along better with people much… I found some sense of belonging yes, but I still get a sort of dissonance because the autistic people I meet don't have the same views on how to do things, even on what I see as "logical" choices, as myself.
We just are a bit more comfortable when we interact, than with neurotypical people…
But I'm with you on the 3 bedrooms, best kind of sleep/intimacy arrangements with a spouse imo (though maybe only 2 is more practical, both with large beds haha).
My husband (75) and I (70) are psychologist, educated in the years that Autism was unknown in both children and adults.
I am educating myself now, after 40 years of marriage. Hoping for and working towards our last years together without mutual feelings of frustration, disappointment, resentment and guilt about feeling resentful.
So Paul, please share your experience with elderly couples. Thusfar, Focus on Autism in adulthood centers around Midlife.
Thank you so much. Your videos help me deal with and understand people.
Excellent tips thank you!
Great advice. Thank you
Thanks Paul, another great video for those of us wanting to make it work :)
The script "What about me, what about what I need?" Was playing on a loop in my head in my first marriage.
Thankfully at the start of this second one we sorted out a much clearer better way to communicate
Pretty good advice for any partnership I would have thought
So helpful...thank you 🙏💜😊
I don't see the point of youtube premieres, this will be buried lower in my subscriptions list when it is finally available
This is super interesting! I'm autistic and my partner has OCD. Thank you so much!
You are a blessing to me
Super helpful, easy to understand, clear
I’m not on the spectrum, though the older I’m getting the harder it is to follow through on decisions . Your advice on relationships should be known by everyone . 👍
Truly love your video , your explanation.. just wow .. love from India ❤️
Thanks for de tips, it is really helpful for us. Wish you success ❤🙏
Kia ora from Aotearoa, great video! 👋 I just noticed your New Zealand T shirt 💚🇳🇿🖤🙏
Oh man. Always knew I had something going on. Like I’m seeing with many, even got a degree in psychology to better understand the world around me. Anyway, newly divorced at 49 and trying to come to terms with my now apparent Asperger’s. So much truth here. I used both mechanisms, acceptance being the last, with problems never being solved. 22 years on she decided out of the blue (or maybe not) had enough, despite all my “acceptance”, lol.
1,000th like! Thank you for this video.
im a women on the spectrum with a partner that is adhd and we have been dating for a year and a half we live together and im just getting so over whelmed with seemingly his lack or ambition and motivation to do lots of things like chores or personal work or hobbies or important legal stuff ,im getting tired of waiting for his life to get together when he isnt putting in much effort just complains about How things arent right and doesnt do much if anything to fix them and being angry and anxious all the time i want to support him but i have a life plan and goals and wants too
THANK YOU
Thank you
I cant figure out how to say no without freaking out. Im overloaded, she asks me to go to the post office. Im crying, overwhelmed, cant just say no without feeling guilty or selfish. And my behavior ends up being way worse than just saying no
thank you soooooo much Paul. This video is very helpful.
Eventually, we built our entire home and lifestyle to suit my AuADHD partner, as I refuse to get entangled in arguing about sofa placement and so forth --- I just lack the energy - and when I step back, it's just not that important to me. Of course, the danger is literally losing yourself!
Safe word that you can say - that entails being verbal. Off to make a sign :))) Thanks for this good advice ♥
Really good advice! But it can be hard to implement sometimes when both partners are ND and both are having a crisis at the same time.
Serious question about #2
What if my partner constantly tells little white lies and/or makes promises he doesn't follow through on? Am I to accept this? He could either not promise or follow through but instead, the promises are constantly made and he rarely follows through (even with reminders). The white lies... I don't know what to do about either. Decades of these behaviors have caused trust issues. I don't think it's too much to expect to not be lied to and to expect promises to be kept. Is this a common trait?
My bf has adhd and my family and I think I’m on the spectrum so this is very helpful
Please make videos on your daily meal and any food that you have allergies of. Thanks.
Hey would you consider covering group dynamics for aspies 1 to 1 isnt that bad but more than 1 person is difficult me
I’m autistic with anxiety and my partner is Audhd with depression. So it’s a lot 😅 Thank you for these tips
Some of things you talked about can also relate to dealing with your parent when your adult. Do have video on that subject?
Thank you for your work Paul. I would be interested to see a video by you or anyone with insight into the experiences of senior adults who did not have access to any sort of autism or other diagnosis in their generation, some of whom have had relationship difficulties in their lives for neurological reasons that they and those around them could not understand at the time. I feel that this could be a potentially large and mostly unaddressed population of individuals.
My husband (75) and I (70) are psychologist, educated in the years that Autism was unknown in both children and adults.
I am educating myself now, after 40 years of marriage. Hoping for and working towards our last years together without mutual feelings of frustration, disappointment, resentment and guilt about feeling resentful.
So yes Paul, please share your experience with elderly couples. Thusfar, Focus on Autism in adulthood centers around Midlife.
I wonder too, though I am not 70 yet, I am 42 and still trying to figure out where to go to get diagnosed. I feel like if I had support and help things could’ve been different me.
Leaving a couch not settled would cause me so much anxiety and would nag at me and I would be hard pressed to sleep. Also my partner would just leave it in the unsettled spot for ages if I didn’t insist it get settled. Which would cause more resentment, anxiety and frustration. Also, this “choosing” to feel something different than I actually feel is impossible. I don’t understand that at all. I can’t just change the name of my feelings.
I also constantly ask my husband to respect my boundaries (he’s autistic and I’ve got ADHD) and he will just keep going. So asking him not to dump horrible news on me, weather it’s from social media or his day, he’ll just keep going and say “it’s just these two things and will keep talking.” I literally have to talk over him and become mean to get him to stop. I’ve also had adult autistic students that don’t respect boundaries without pouting or choosing select mutism. If I’m super nice in setting my boundaries, they take that as permission to keep telling me what I’ve asked them not to. I have to either repeat myself or become brusk and then I have to deal with pouting. I don’t understand how these tips work.
My friend has Asperger and I have Burn Out Anxiety and it’s hard but we always stuck together
Amazing video. But sadly after everything... it is still a challenge and a nightmare living with someone on the spectrum, specially if they live in denial!!!
Dear Paul, I'd like to start by thanking you for having helped me deal with a terribly difficult situation via your videos last year. It would seem, quite unfortunately that I have run into the exact same frustrating situation again and find myself needing to come to you for help. This time, instead of just watching and learning, I thought I might ask two questions if I may: 1.since I only suspect that my Partner is an Aspie and we have never spoken about it, how do I suggest that he gets tested? 2.how long do Aspies need to brood over issues without talking or to put it another way, to recharge? I truly value your experienced and nuanced guidance and will greatly look forward to reading your response. Thanks and best, Mia from Berlin
Here's our story and how I suggested he had it and the positive outcome:
My boyfriend isn't diagnosed either, but I have adhd and obviously watched CZcamss on it and sometimes CZcamss about Asperger/ autism would be in there, so I had a pretty good idea of what it was when I met him. We're long distance, so we spent a lot of time on the phone before meetinf, he'd shared some of his struggles with time management, so I shared about my adhd and he was said, "maybe that's it". Then when we met, I knew he wasn't classic adhd, but signs of Asperger and after the 2nd big trip, it was way more obvious, so I turned to CZcams, watched more videos and then lovingly & factually talked to him about it... he was worried I'd dump him. Then once he knew that wasn't happening, he said he probably does have it. Things have been way more relaxed and open since then. We're building a much better bond.
I don't talk about it with him too much, but I'm watching these to know how his brain works and if there are things I can do to help things go more smoothly. Another video I watched explained the importance of talking in specifics verse vague terms (instead of saying, ill be there soon, say about 15-20 minutes), etc. I had no idea soon was vague and frustrating.
I'm not sure if he's going to get tested. I've encouraged him to get tested so he can get accommodations for work. But, he's so busy working, I'm not sure he will.
My gf has adhd and I have autism, we can relate to some things like over/under stimulation but not understand each other in things like impulsivity and planning
Sorry, I really do like the videos you make. But could you link or make a response of how to support your S.O. from the perspective of how a neurodivergent partner can support their spouse, and tips/strategies for them to implement on their own?
When you already make accommodations for someone, the well of positivity to tackle issues with even more strategies starts to run dry. If you know how to do this, it would be appreciated for the insight.
So I'm the half with the divergence and my wife of 36 years, appears to me to be....
Controlling, Authorotive, Disiplined, Organised, And Like my mother.
She isn't of course, but with me she has to be and I know this.
This knowing why she seem's like this, but isn't this "Normally" has helped much of the mis communication and conflict in the early days.
Knowledge is power. 💙🧡
I have Aspergers and ADD, and my partner has ADD and ADHD. It's not easy.
I think all these tips are good. Certainly if we'd known what we were dealing with more than a decade ago (him with ASD, me with ADHD) it would have been good to start strong with these.
As it is, I'm trying to become less conflict adverse and force him to address conflict in a more timely manner, and certainly my expectations of what he'll do with emotional intimacy and parenting and socially are very low now, which does lower his stress levels (mine are high, since executive dysfunction does not make it easier to do things alone while appearing to have a partner), and I've started to put my well-being ahead of his need for me to absorb and soothe his feelings, which is a difficult and painful adjustment for both of us.
I am finally on the way to doing all three of these tips, and I guess we'll see how it ends up.
BTW, we had a very similar situation to your couch story! We took about 2 years to buy a dining room table, because we could not agree on which to buy! Spent those two years eating off a rickety folding table! 🤣
Exactly the same position for me.
I tried that. Problem keeps coming up. Now I dont have to worry about that soon.
I'm starting to believe I am autistic.
I don't have a official diagnosis. It takes years in the UK and it's very expensive otherwise.
I've noticed that if I look at my life through an autistic lens then may many things become clear. This is starting to show in relationship.
My grandfather was ASD2
What happened with the couch? Where did you put it? I must know
'relationships can look a little different if you have autism' - YOU DON'T F**KING SAY (wife is aspie :P).
Hi. Is the free resource pdf for couples still available? I tried to subscribe with my email, but I never received anything..
The link doesn't work, is there another way to get the free download?
Where can you get out like your most not seeing but you're doing it and loving it nomather what. can be bad I dont judge. we all need some freedom mine is agressive inline skating since 1998 till now.
Thank you especially for the safeword concept. She will say "Stop! Just stop!", sometimes out of nowhere that I can see, and it pisses me off to no end.
We need to change that word and define it.
And I need one too. We both like to talk a lot, but she is not on medication and I am. I feel like we are always talking about her interests and I only briefly get to talk about mine, and when I do get to go on a bit, she uses it against me the next time I complain about her topic.
She is playing a car video game currently, and I have no interest in cars, beyond maintainence, gas mileage, and Toyota's politics. In fact, I find fancy race cars offensive. It's a display of excess. She will go on and on about the cars and it makes me furious. Especially when I tell her I don't care and she physically cannot stop talking about it. I end up getting mad and going to my room. We need to define a way to say are you just rattling on or do you have a point to make?
She also talks physically too quickly for me to understand. When I ask her to repeat, she has to say the entire sentence again in exactly the same way. Even if I specify exactly which word I misunderstood, she has to say it all again. Last night though, I yelled "Slow down damnit! I can't understand!" And she said just the one word clearly again. I'd hate to have to yell at her all the time.... eek.
Anyway, thank you for all this information. I really hope I can improve our communication and empathy.
I can't controll anything I'm not sure I have the mental power 90% of the time
The audio is way too quiet Paul.
Do people with Asperger’s tend to be more emotional and can be very up and down with their moods? Or if you have video with that content already could you point me in the right direction please.
I can sometimes read situations that people are with me or against me and I can fluctuate between them. I don’t really feel that there’s just a neutral. Although I know there is. logically people are just being people regardless and it’s not about me. And all you ever really want is to be understood I have a fear of people not understanding me.
Can someone please help me find the download? Aspie withdrawal breaks my heart and I need to know how to properly handle kt