This video happened at an extremely important time when I needed it most! Thank you so much for grounding me in the reality of my situation. When you are in it emotional fog can make it so hard to see
Thank you for this video. I am currently working through the divorce process at the end of a marriage in which alcohol abuse played a significant factor. I am struggling to understand my own responses and choices during my marriage, and I am realizing that my own childhood wounds were triggered in ways I did not understand. Alcohol caused instabilities in our home for many years. I pushed back when our child was young, about 6m - 3 yrs, but eventually I gave in and started drinking with my husband. I wanted to believe that everything was fine, I was just overreacting and had an anxiety problem. My career fell apart after the birth of our child, I struggled to learn new skills, developed memory problems, and weird things like spots in my vision that came and went. I saw many doctors trying to find a medical cause, but it seems that it was anxiety. During this time when our child was so young, my husband would drink heavily on the weekends. One time, things got physical between us, I pushed him out of bed and he punched a hole in the wall. This only happened once. However, I could never get past it. I grew up in home without addiction, but constant arguments and small acts of violence. Growing up, I learned to "fawn" to try to maintain stability. Last August, my husband and I agreed to stop drinking. I have kept that commitment. I believe he also kept the commitment, though he refused to get rid of the alcohol in our house. In December, we had a big fight regarding finances. I called him sexist and a bully. He moved out, and started drinking again. I had a provision added to our custody agreement that neither of us can drink while she is in our custody. She is 5 yrs old now. Ironically, I can protect her better in divorce than I could in marriage. He is currently seeing a therapist for binge drinking, and seems to be doing well. Clearly, my choices to drink with my husband were poor choices. It normalized his behavior and I was well on the way to developing a problem of my own. I wanted him to stop drinking, but I also wanted him to spend time with me. I wanted to believe that things in our family were fine. I have felt afraid of him for a long time without really understanding why. I have been working with a therapist for about a year now. Remarkably, 4 months into separation, my life is much more peaceful. I also find that now that I recognize alcoholism was a problem, it is easier to forgive actions. I have a reason, an explanation. I appreciate this video very much. Childhood wounds do affect our reactions to negative situations in unpredictable ways.
Thank you for this testament. I have 2 boys who really, really need and love their father but they are babies and toddlers. I don't want to turn him into a deadbeat dad so I'm choosing to stay for the time being BECAUSE THEY WILL NOT BE WITH HIM ALONE UNTIL THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO SURVIVE HIM. I know you know what I am saying. But it's comforting to know there is also this option if things get any worse.
@@LW-ej6id I absolutely know what you are saying! And no one can tell us the right answer, because there just isn't one. But I will say that I found self care down right impossible when we were together. I overreacted to unimportant things and was in denial about important things. With some distance, my head works better and I feel more confident in making decisions to protect my child. In my case, he said that he wouldn't make changes for me, but would for his child (ouch!). But it seems to be true so far, and so far the provision about not drinking around the child is being honored. I'm protecting my child from instabilities regarding alcohol in the home better now than I have at any point. Ironically, now that I see him prioritizing our child in this way, I respect and trust him more than I have in quite some time. He is not open to reconciliation because he is angry with me. Towards the end of our marriage we were both constantly hurting each other emotionally. I couldn't be his safe place, and he couldn't be mine. Learning to see addiction is such a confusing process. Sometimes I think that if I had recognized sooner what I should have known (did I know? I don't know.) regarding alcohol abuse, maybe we could have made it through with our family intact. Either way, what I have now is better than what I had.
@@mskharys I definitely have an issue with some of my reactions. I have never quite felt this sort of rage and disappointment. And I've only ever been this stressed out when a close relative committed suicide so dealing with an addicted spouse ranks pretty high up there on the "oh shit" scale. I am watching my hair turn white as the years go by. Innocently enough, I don't trust him with nearly anything and I think I make up some stories that are much worse than what is actually happening, which further fuels my distress. But he does lie to me all the time so it's very hard not to let my imagination run amok. This dance of disdain that we have for one another is not pretty. I've really tried to dial it back a bit the past month because I am finally understanding that nothing I say with anger will help at all. I cannot shame him into compliance. I cannot beg. I can really only wait and let him set the damn house on fire. It's unfortunate. My marriage is falling apart and it truly sucks because I honestly did love this man and I thought we'd be an old couple but... Life seems to have unravelled that delusion.
@@LW-ej6id Yes! It's so confusing, so difficult to maintain respect and value a loved ones dignity when life feels chaotic. For me, it was inconsistent and confusing all the time. Getting up at 3 or 4 am on Saturday and Sunday mornings to find my husband wherever he fell asleep and clean up any inappropriate mess. Then back to bed once he is safely in bed. He would sleep until afternoon, then get up and make a wonderful pancake breakfast for his family. And now he's a great wonderful father who makes pancakes. But last night, maybe he passed out on the patio with the house unlocked. Or passed out at his computer with porn still on. Or just so many instabilities both big and small. But today he is pancake dad, and I love pancake dad. So I couldn't figure out which version of him was true. Both were true. But my brain couldn't hold on to the inconsistency. Towards the end of our marriage, he asked me for acceptance. And that is a reasonable thing that human beings need from each other. I couldn't give it to him, and I couldn't understand why. I wanted to, so badly. But sometimes he was pancake dad, and sometimes he was passed out dad. And I couldn't figure out to accept the good but not the bad.
Yup!!!!! I’ve lived it and lost myself completely. It is actually kind of comical looking back at the neurotic behaviors I started implementing - that gradually escalated over a 6 year period of living with an addict. Every stinking video you have produced simply nails it!!!! I have work to do now…serious work! Good news is he left and it gives me time to reclaim myself and some stability. Love him dearly but I have to first recover myself from living with his binge drinking type of alcoholism. I think I am ready to leave my own neurotic part of “crazy” behind now, what a ride🙏😳
I just want to say thank you both so much for this discussion. I recently left my alcoholic partner, and it has been such a challenging time. Kim's analogy of the "Y" representing the two paths we can take was so clarifying. It was also helpful to acknowledge one might not be able to reach "full health" if they are trying to recover and be healthy, but they're in a relationship with an addicted partner who isn't. I know want to reach full health and peace. Thank you both so much, it brings such clarity.
I so appreciate you right now. I think I need to tell my story somehow. I've been on both sides. Such heavy karma in my life with alcohol, beginning with losing my best friend age 9 to a drunk driver. I swear I would never drink. I'm not gonna go into it here, but it doesn't matter. It's just my story. And I realize that one day when I knew I had to stop drinking. It was only making the shame, anxiety, depression, worry, and guilt more layered and complicated. Now I watch my children go through it, I have to live my life over and over again and watch what I created to my bad choices. But I also know the other people have choices, so I'm not going to take the full blame of that. Frankly, I'm doing great! After I quit drinking, I finished my bachelors degree which took 30 years to do, I immediately finished my masters degree two years after that. And now I'm self-employed since 2017. I've watched my youngest daughter go through so much. To cut to the chase, she's been homeless for the last five years, but she's lucky that she had a family that would send her to Hawaii to do it. Nothing worked. Except jail. So after 15 years of watching her struggle with substance abuse, we will find out her sentencing tomorrow, on April fools day! God helps those who help themselves. That's step three in 12 step.Which only really mean surrender, because we obviously can't control ourselves. Anyway there's much more! I think I'll blog. I'm so thankful for you both and what you do and your courage to help others. I can tell you have a lot of compassion and experiential knowledge with this matter of addiction. Keep 'em coming ladies, so spot on. I hope more people will listen. Thank you!
Thank you Kim for having the courage to make the video. All the videos you have done have been really helpful for me and it means a lot. You bring a different perspective and knowledge that makes a lasting impact for those of us on the other side. It is very healing to hear someone describe my experience and give helpful insight. I'm very grateful, thank you!
So important to heal and learn to love ❤️ yourself again! Love both of you, great advice and important discussion for helping ourselves get our sanity back. 😊 Thank you, God Bless!
How Kim thinks of Brene is how I think of Amber! Every single time I click on a different video I say "Oh my gosh this woman just saved my life again!"
I was looking for this kind of info the last few weeks. I have anxiety and having to deal with anyone w a type of addiction really triggers it. Ha! It’s the gaslighting -
Hello Amber and Kim. Please put the link(s) of other videos with Kim. Makes so much sense. My husband has an alcohol use problem. I am working on myself and living at a friends. I visit our home and check in at home morning and evening with my husband. He is drinking more than ever. Lost his job due to pandemic restrictions. I am using sign language and notes to communicate with him. I am less triggered. I watch your videos when I am here; with headphones to keep reminding myself to not engage. Have you heard of the rat park study from the 70's from UBC Vancouver? Prof Alexander and then a Ted talk on addiction Johann Hari who brings information together. Excellent.🧐
I was listening to this video on my headphones and my partner triggered me and I spent the first half of the video getting mad at my partner with an addiction for his behavior he had last night when he was drinking. So I "obviously" had to relisten to this. Maybe I should keep it in my ear all the time. I do have hope that I can do this! I am in the family recovery program but I sure have a lot of work to do.
Anytime I ask my boyfriend if he’s been drinking, he attacks my family and their faith saying how toxic they are. I think he is relapsing but becomes so emotionally and verbally unkind when he drinks. All his childhood trauma gets projected at me. That is why I feel so obsessive trying to find out if he drank, because when he does it hurts me so much
I've heard variations on this one, too! "I'm not the problem, your overly legalistic upbringing is the problem! " Having your values and ethics respected is a core right, just like having your body or basic needs respected. We each get to define and change our beliefs. But not because someone else found your values inconvenient. (And one woman to another- don't have a baby with a man who doesn't respect your right to define your values. It complicates things. A lot.)
Thank you so much for making this video Kim. I have an 8 year old son with my addicted spouse and need help and perspective on the leaving the relationship while causing the least amount of damage to the family. Is the family recovery course available for September 2022?
This has been so helpful to me. I am currently in the process of leaving my alcoholic husband. We still live in our home but living separately. I reached my limit with him and he can’t understand. Literally it’s like he just does not comprehend why I’m leaving. He blacks out and doesn’t remember what he does I guess. I can’t move into my place until the first of next month and our home is not happy right now.
I just now tried to register for Kim’s partner spouses group but it says I will be notified when registration opens. Is this a glitch? Also, is there a separate group for people who work with addicts. Inpatient psychiatric nurse here, so that group may also be very helpful to me.
Kim's private group for Spouses/Partners:
www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/livingwithaddiction
Hi, when I click join now it seems the group is already closed. I thought the deadline was today at midnight.
@@yulitzaperaza your right, it is supposed to be open till midnight. Something must be wrong. Which group are you trying to get?
@@yulitzaperaza I think I got it fixed . Thank you for letting me know
I will definitely be getting in on this in the fall session! 💖 God bless you both for what you do!!
It is so exhausting being with an adult who never takes responsibility for anything and blames me for things I didn’t do.
This video happened at an extremely important time when I needed it most! Thank you so much for grounding me in the reality of my situation. When you are in it emotional fog can make it so hard to see
So glad it was helpful!
This is so needed by me. I've been wanting this understanding my whole life. I'm 63 years old. Thank you. Karen from Canada
Hi Karen from Canada. Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here 💓
Thank you for this video. I am currently working through the divorce process at the end of a marriage in which alcohol abuse played a significant factor. I am struggling to understand my own responses and choices during my marriage, and I am realizing that my own childhood wounds were triggered in ways I did not understand.
Alcohol caused instabilities in our home for many years. I pushed back when our child was young, about 6m - 3 yrs, but eventually I gave in and started drinking with my husband. I wanted to believe that everything was fine, I was just overreacting and had an anxiety problem. My career fell apart after the birth of our child, I struggled to learn new skills, developed memory problems, and weird things like spots in my vision that came and went. I saw many doctors trying to find a medical cause, but it seems that it was anxiety. During this time when our child was so young, my husband would drink heavily on the weekends. One time, things got physical between us, I pushed him out of bed and he punched a hole in the wall. This only happened once. However, I could never get past it. I grew up in home without addiction, but constant arguments and small acts of violence. Growing up, I learned to "fawn" to try to maintain stability.
Last August, my husband and I agreed to stop drinking. I have kept that commitment. I believe he also kept the commitment, though he refused to get rid of the alcohol in our house. In December, we had a big fight regarding finances. I called him sexist and a bully. He moved out, and started drinking again. I had a provision added to our custody agreement that neither of us can drink while she is in our custody. She is 5 yrs old now. Ironically, I can protect her better in divorce than I could in marriage. He is currently seeing a therapist for binge drinking, and seems to be doing well.
Clearly, my choices to drink with my husband were poor choices. It normalized his behavior and I was well on the way to developing a problem of my own. I wanted him to stop drinking, but I also wanted him to spend time with me. I wanted to believe that things in our family were fine. I have felt afraid of him for a long time without really understanding why. I have been working with a therapist for about a year now. Remarkably, 4 months into separation, my life is much more peaceful. I also find that now that I recognize alcoholism was a problem, it is easier to forgive actions. I have a reason, an explanation. I appreciate this video very much. Childhood wounds do affect our reactions to negative situations in unpredictable ways.
So glad it was helpful💖
Thank you for this testament. I have 2 boys who really, really need and love their father but they are babies and toddlers. I don't want to turn him into a deadbeat dad so I'm choosing to stay for the time being BECAUSE THEY WILL NOT BE WITH HIM ALONE UNTIL THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO SURVIVE HIM. I know you know what I am saying. But it's comforting to know there is also this option if things get any worse.
@@LW-ej6id I absolutely know what you are saying! And no one can tell us the right answer, because there just isn't one. But I will say that I found self care down right impossible when we were together. I overreacted to unimportant things and was in denial about important things. With some distance, my head works better and I feel more confident in making decisions to protect my child. In my case, he said that he wouldn't make changes for me, but would for his child (ouch!). But it seems to be true so far, and so far the provision about not drinking around the child is being honored. I'm protecting my child from instabilities regarding alcohol in the home better now than I have at any point.
Ironically, now that I see him prioritizing our child in this way, I respect and trust him more than I have in quite some time. He is not open to reconciliation because he is angry with me. Towards the end of our marriage we were both constantly hurting each other emotionally. I couldn't be his safe place, and he couldn't be mine. Learning to see addiction is such a confusing process. Sometimes I think that if I had recognized sooner what I should have known (did I know? I don't know.) regarding alcohol abuse, maybe we could have made it through with our family intact. Either way, what I have now is better than what I had.
@@mskharys I definitely have an issue with some of my reactions. I have never quite felt this sort of rage and disappointment. And I've only ever been this stressed out when a close relative committed suicide so dealing with an addicted spouse ranks pretty high up there on the "oh shit" scale. I am watching my hair turn white as the years go by. Innocently enough, I don't trust him with nearly anything and I think I make up some stories that are much worse than what is actually happening, which further fuels my distress. But he does lie to me all the time so it's very hard not to let my imagination run amok. This dance of disdain that we have for one another is not pretty. I've really tried to dial it back a bit the past month because I am finally understanding that nothing I say with anger will help at all. I cannot shame him into compliance. I cannot beg. I can really only wait and let him set the damn house on fire. It's unfortunate. My marriage is falling apart and it truly sucks because I honestly did love this man and I thought we'd be an old couple but... Life seems to have unravelled that delusion.
@@LW-ej6id Yes! It's so confusing, so difficult to maintain respect and value a loved ones dignity when life feels chaotic. For me, it was inconsistent and confusing all the time. Getting up at 3 or 4 am on Saturday and Sunday mornings to find my husband wherever he fell asleep and clean up any inappropriate mess. Then back to bed once he is safely in bed. He would sleep until afternoon, then get up and make a wonderful pancake breakfast for his family. And now he's a great wonderful father who makes pancakes. But last night, maybe he passed out on the patio with the house unlocked. Or passed out at his computer with porn still on. Or just so many instabilities both big and small. But today he is pancake dad, and I love pancake dad. So I couldn't figure out which version of him was true. Both were true. But my brain couldn't hold on to the inconsistency.
Towards the end of our marriage, he asked me for acceptance. And that is a reasonable thing that human beings need from each other. I couldn't give it to him, and I couldn't understand why. I wanted to, so badly. But sometimes he was pancake dad, and sometimes he was passed out dad. And I couldn't figure out to accept the good but not the bad.
Yup!!!!! I’ve lived it and lost myself completely. It is actually kind of comical looking back at the neurotic behaviors I started implementing - that gradually escalated over a 6 year period of living with an addict. Every stinking video you have produced simply nails it!!!!
I have work to do now…serious work! Good news is he left and it gives me time to reclaim myself and some stability. Love him dearly but I have to first recover myself from living with his binge drinking type of alcoholism.
I think I am ready to leave my own neurotic part of “crazy” behind now, what a ride🙏😳
You got this, Terar8854!
I just want to say thank you both so much for this discussion. I recently left my alcoholic partner, and it has been such a challenging time. Kim's analogy of the "Y" representing the two paths we can take was so clarifying. It was also helpful to acknowledge one might not be able to reach "full health" if they are trying to recover and be healthy, but they're in a relationship with an addicted partner who isn't. I know want to reach full health and peace. Thank you both so much, it brings such clarity.
So glad this was helpful, gabmaye! 🥰
I so appreciate you right now. I think I need to tell my story somehow. I've been on both sides. Such heavy karma in my life with alcohol, beginning with losing my best friend age 9 to a drunk driver. I swear I would never drink. I'm not gonna go into it here, but it doesn't matter. It's just my story. And I realize that one day when I knew I had to stop drinking. It was only making the shame, anxiety, depression, worry, and guilt more layered and complicated. Now I watch my children go through it, I have to live my life over and over again and watch what I created to my bad choices. But I also know the other people have choices, so I'm not going to take the full blame of that. Frankly, I'm doing great! After I quit drinking, I finished my bachelors degree which took 30 years to do, I immediately finished my masters degree two years after that. And now I'm self-employed since 2017. I've watched my youngest daughter go through so much. To cut to the chase, she's been homeless for the last five years, but she's lucky that she had a family that would send her to Hawaii to do it. Nothing worked. Except jail. So after 15 years of watching her struggle with substance abuse, we will find out her sentencing tomorrow, on April fools day! God helps those who help themselves. That's step three in 12 step.Which only really mean surrender, because we obviously can't control ourselves. Anyway there's much more! I think I'll blog. I'm so thankful for you both and what you do and your courage to help others. I can tell you have a lot of compassion and experiential knowledge with this matter of addiction. Keep 'em coming ladies, so spot on. I hope more people will listen. Thank you!
You're in my thoughts and prayers today 💖
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you so much!
Thank you Kim for having the courage to make the video. All the videos you have done have been really helpful for me and it means a lot. You bring a different perspective and knowledge that makes a lasting impact for those of us on the other side. It is very healing to hear someone describe my experience and give helpful insight. I'm very grateful, thank you!
So important to heal and learn to love ❤️ yourself again! Love both of you, great advice and important discussion for helping ourselves get our sanity back. 😊 Thank you, God Bless!
Absolutely!!
How Kim thinks of Brene is how I think of Amber! Every single time I click on a different video I say "Oh my gosh this woman just saved my life again!"
Awwww, that is the nicest thing ever! You've made my day. Thank you Deanna.
I was looking for this kind of info the last few weeks. I have anxiety and having to deal with anyone w a type of addiction really triggers it. Ha! It’s the gaslighting -
Thank you to both of you!! ❤
Our pleasure!
Hello Amber and Kim. Please put the link(s) of other videos with Kim. Makes so much sense. My husband has an alcohol use problem. I am working on myself and living at a friends. I visit our home and check in at home morning and evening with my husband. He is drinking more than ever. Lost his job due to pandemic restrictions. I am using sign language and notes to communicate with him. I am less triggered. I watch your videos when I am here; with headphones to keep reminding myself to not engage.
Have you heard of the rat park study from the 70's from UBC Vancouver?
Prof Alexander and then a Ted talk on addiction Johann Hari who brings information together. Excellent.🧐
shutting off the narrative! Big task for sure...I am so alone and isolated...makes me feel unworthy of love.
Thank you! SO insightful.
Thank you…you guys are good together! Very helpful. More please! 😊
More to come!
This has video has so many revelations!!
I love this! Thank you for helping families through such a difficult journey.
Happy to help!
It’s hard for me to trust
Something wrong with sound on Kim's end.
I was listening to this video on my headphones and my partner triggered me and I spent the first half of the video getting mad at my partner with an addiction for his behavior he had last night when he was drinking. So I "obviously" had to relisten to this. Maybe I should keep it in my ear all the time. I do have hope that I can do this! I am in the family recovery program but I sure have a lot of work to do.
Thanks Amber and Kim 💟❕
Our pleasure!
Anytime I ask my boyfriend if he’s been drinking, he attacks my family and their faith saying how toxic they are. I think he is relapsing but becomes so emotionally and verbally unkind when he drinks. All his childhood trauma gets projected at me. That is why I feel so obsessive trying to find out if he drank, because when he does it hurts me so much
I call that one "sleight of hand" or "flipping the script ".
Love is not enough to "cure" an addict, love yourself and I will too! 🙏🥰💖
I've heard variations on this one, too! "I'm not the problem, your overly legalistic upbringing is the problem! "
Having your values and ethics respected is a core right, just like having your body or basic needs respected. We each get to define and change our beliefs. But not because someone else found your values inconvenient. (And one woman to another- don't have a baby with a man who doesn't respect your right to define your values. It complicates things. A lot.)
Thank you so much for making this video Kim. I have an 8 year old son with my addicted spouse and need help and perspective on the leaving the relationship while causing the least amount of damage to the family. Is the family recovery course available for September 2022?
This has been so helpful to me. I am currently in the process of leaving my alcoholic husband. We still live in our home but living separately. I reached my limit with him and he can’t understand. Literally it’s like he just does not comprehend why I’m leaving. He blacks out and doesn’t remember what he does I guess. I can’t move into my place until the first of next month and our home is not happy right now.
So sorry you're going through this Johnnie Mae 😥
I love all the things that Kim is saying!
😁🤩
@@PutTheShovelDown I would love to hear from Kim more often.
Sernitiy is a more fitting word. 🕊️
I agree, Serenity is a good word!
Thanks for this video!
How can I make an appointment with Kim for one on one counseling
Hi Christa, This link will explain all about making a consulation appt: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
I just now tried to register for Kim’s partner spouses group but it says I will be notified when registration opens. Is this a glitch? Also, is there a separate group for people who work with addicts. Inpatient psychiatric nurse here, so that group may also be very helpful to me.
Crap, I lost track of the days and thought you meant this coming Friday 😢
It looks like the registration is closed
How do I do the work?