No one has their act together. Most normal people is doing the same thing. They project. Some people cover better than others. The reason people don't like seeing people unravel is because they don't know to help, they are just inadequate, they feel they will also be exposed, they just want to move on and not go there. Then, once in a while, you will bump into someone who is capable and interested. I have always had mentors, capable people who have been through stuff.
I found that the only way to win the "look put together" game was not to play. I do still make an effort to keep up personal hygiene, relationships with friends and family, etc, but I don't beat myself up anymore when I just can't make it happen at that time. Back when I was in high school, I had severe anxiety and depression. I couldn't understand how all the other students could manage with harder classwork and more extra-curricular activities, while I could hardly manage to even start an assignment before the night before it was due (or sometimes even the morning it was due). By my senior year of high school, I was so stressed that I had a mental breakdown and wanted to drop out of school (fortunately I was talked out of that by my parents). What I finally realized was that I was constantly judging myself by the standards of neurotypicals. Why should I care if people think that the things I do or enjoy are weird? Why does it matter that I couldn't bring myself to do the dishes last night or take a shower? What actually matters in the big picture are things like having a positive impact on the world. Fortunately for us, good executive functioning or social skills aren't a prerequisite for that ;) Judging ourselves by neurotypical norms is an easy trap to fall into since most of us are surrounded by neurotypicals for most of our lives, but as the saying goes "if you judge a fish by the ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that is stupid." If we took the opposite perspective and judged neurotypicals by autistic standards, they wouldn't measure up either! Many of my neurotypical friends and family are in awe of the the hyperfocus and the seemingly endless motivation and knowledge about my special interests. All things in life have pros and cons. Some of the cons are worse for me than other people, but some of my pros are better for me than other people. With that perspective, I found that it is easier to acknowledge and ask for help with the autistic traits that cause me trouble, without being ashamed of them.
@@artemisXsidecross yep, 100% agreed. I can't predict the unexpected things that might come up, but I can have trust in myself that I can handle them.
I ended up going into sex work to earn good money because my parents expected I’d have a well paying job as I did well at school despite undiagnosed autism. I had actually flunked out of Uni, couldn’t work a normal job and was trying to earn large sums of money to cover everything up. I thought if I could get some money together, that would buy me the time and space to ‘get my shit together’ and return to the path my parents thought I should be on. Didn’t know I was autistic, tried to cover it up to meet society’s expectations of me, got exploited, got ptsd. Early intervention would have been nice. 😢
I am so incredibly sorry to hear that all of that happened to you. Know that nothing of what has happened was your fault and I hope that you get the support and help that you need. You matter.
Abilities do seem to be very unequally distributed. Those who are very successful in their jobs seem to be successful in their relationships, popular, good at a whole range of other activities and make excellent use of their limited free time. Others - to be frank including myself - seem to struggle at most things, especially if they have to do more than one thing at a time. I must stress I'm not saying this is "natural" or fair. Abilities tend to reflect upbringing and resources as well as mental health and psychological issues. Some people are much more fortunate than others. If we are struggling, trying to compare ourselves with very successful or even "average" people makes little sense. We are not on the same playing field. Having said that it's incredibly hard not to compare and I do it just as much if not more than others. Those people who are happier are the ones who engage less in comparison, worry less what others think or make much more allowance for their own limitations. Getting to that point though is hard. The point though that even very successful people may not be happy is a valid one. They often make their own comparisons with other very successful or even more successful people. They may take for granted things we think are remarkable. Being successful for them becomes the norm and not necessarily a source of pleasure. In a sense we all adjust to different circumstances. It's like being on the top floor compared to the ground floor - unless you look out of the window it can seem just the same and looking out of a top floor window may not give a sense of power and status but fear of falling.
I relate to when you said about being too autistic to show how you feel on the outside that’s my entire life I don’t understand emotions so I don’t know how I feel and wouldn’t know how to show it on the outside but I hope things get better you
THis is kinda a natalie merchant 10,000 maniacs of videos, you're talking about dark struggles, but you do have the most cheering smile, it's a good effect though, love the maniacs.
I'd say making these videos is harder than being invisible at some 9-5 job. I certainly couldn't manage this, or invisibility on the job (apparently). The problem I've had with appearing put together is that it has never taken those around me very long to catch on that there's something "different" going on with me. Following that it would become an on the job diversion for co-workers to figure out how to push my buttons. As a man I can get away with being stoic as my default demeanor, for a while at least. I think it's exponentially harder and more complicated to appear "put together" for a woman. In addition to satisfying the usual expectations (of others) there seems to be an extra level of genuflecting and disarming charm required. Even as an observer, it's exhausting.
I've quit nearly all of my jobs because people had started to 'figure me out' and they slowly became less forgiving of all my traits, making the environment horrid. Constant comments about how I "dress weird" (black pants and a normal shirt?), about my face not emoting correctly, about being "mean" when no one could provide a single example of that behavior. Most days just brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and getting in the car was unbearable, let alone showering, putting on makeup, packing lunch, remembering my book to read on lunch, etc. It feels like constantly being pushed into a personsa that's a caricature of a woman.
Yep. Just spent 30 years pretending everything was fine. Pretty difficult convincing my family I’m autistic now. 🤦♀️
No one has their act together. Most normal people is doing the same thing. They project. Some people cover better than others. The reason people don't like seeing people unravel is because they don't know to help, they are just inadequate, they feel they will also be exposed, they just want to move on and not go there. Then, once in a while, you will bump into someone who is capable and interested. I have always had mentors, capable people who have been through stuff.
I found that the only way to win the "look put together" game was not to play. I do still make an effort to keep up personal hygiene, relationships with friends and family, etc, but I don't beat myself up anymore when I just can't make it happen at that time.
Back when I was in high school, I had severe anxiety and depression. I couldn't understand how all the other students could manage with harder classwork and more extra-curricular activities, while I could hardly manage to even start an assignment before the night before it was due (or sometimes even the morning it was due). By my senior year of high school, I was so stressed that I had a mental breakdown and wanted to drop out of school (fortunately I was talked out of that by my parents).
What I finally realized was that I was constantly judging myself by the standards of neurotypicals. Why should I care if people think that the things I do or enjoy are weird? Why does it matter that I couldn't bring myself to do the dishes last night or take a shower? What actually matters in the big picture are things like having a positive impact on the world. Fortunately for us, good executive functioning or social skills aren't a prerequisite for that ;)
Judging ourselves by neurotypical norms is an easy trap to fall into since most of us are surrounded by neurotypicals for most of our lives, but as the saying goes "if you judge a fish by the ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that is stupid." If we took the opposite perspective and judged neurotypicals by autistic standards, they wouldn't measure up either! Many of my neurotypical friends and family are in awe of the the hyperfocus and the seemingly endless motivation and knowledge about my special interests.
All things in life have pros and cons. Some of the cons are worse for me than other people, but some of my pros are better for me than other people. With that perspective, I found that it is easier to acknowledge and ask for help with the autistic traits that cause me trouble, without being ashamed of them.
@@artemisXsidecross yep, 100% agreed. I can't predict the unexpected things that might come up, but I can have trust in myself that I can handle them.
I ended up going into sex work to earn good money because my parents expected I’d have a well paying job as I did well at school despite undiagnosed autism. I had actually flunked out of Uni, couldn’t work a normal job and was trying to earn large sums of money to cover everything up. I thought if I could get some money together, that would buy me the time and space to ‘get my shit together’ and return to the path my parents thought I should be on. Didn’t know I was autistic, tried to cover it up to meet society’s expectations of me, got exploited, got ptsd. Early intervention would have been nice. 😢
I am so incredibly sorry to hear that all of that happened to you. Know that nothing of what has happened was your fault and I hope that you get the support and help that you need. You matter.
@@artemisXsidecross I appreciate hearing your input!
Abilities do seem to be very unequally distributed. Those who are very successful in their jobs seem to be successful in their relationships, popular, good at a whole range of other activities and make excellent use of their limited free time. Others - to be frank including myself - seem to struggle at most things, especially if they have to do more than one thing at a time. I must stress I'm not saying this is "natural" or fair. Abilities tend to reflect upbringing and resources as well as mental health and psychological issues. Some people are much more fortunate than others.
If we are struggling, trying to compare ourselves with very successful or even "average" people makes little sense. We are not on the same playing field. Having said that it's incredibly hard not to compare and I do it just as much if not more than others. Those people who are happier are the ones who engage less in comparison, worry less what others think or make much more allowance for their own limitations. Getting to that point though is hard.
The point though that even very successful people may not be happy is a valid one. They often make their own comparisons with other very successful or even more successful people. They may take for granted things we think are remarkable. Being successful for them becomes the norm and not necessarily a source of pleasure. In a sense we all adjust to different circumstances. It's like being on the top floor compared to the ground floor - unless you look out of the window it can seem just the same and looking out of a top floor window may not give a sense of power and status but fear of falling.
I relate to when you said about being too autistic to show how you feel on the outside that’s my entire life I don’t understand emotions so I don’t know how I feel and wouldn’t know how to show it on the outside but I hope things get better you
THis is kinda a natalie merchant 10,000 maniacs of videos, you're talking about dark struggles, but you do have the most cheering smile, it's a good effect though, love the maniacs.
I feel your pain. I have similar experiences. I hope things get better for you :)
This was relatable so many times over.
I'd say making these videos is harder than being invisible at some 9-5 job. I certainly couldn't manage this, or invisibility on the job (apparently). The problem I've had with appearing put together is that it has never taken those around me very long to catch on that there's something "different" going on with me. Following that it would become an on the job diversion for co-workers to figure out how to push my buttons.
As a man I can get away with being stoic as my default demeanor, for a while at least. I think it's exponentially harder and more complicated to appear "put together" for a woman. In addition to satisfying the usual expectations (of others) there seems to be an extra level of genuflecting and disarming charm required. Even as an observer, it's exhausting.
I've quit nearly all of my jobs because people had started to 'figure me out' and they slowly became less forgiving of all my traits, making the environment horrid. Constant comments about how I "dress weird" (black pants and a normal shirt?), about my face not emoting correctly, about being "mean" when no one could provide a single example of that behavior. Most days just brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and getting in the car was unbearable, let alone showering, putting on makeup, packing lunch, remembering my book to read on lunch, etc. It feels like constantly being pushed into a personsa that's a caricature of a woman.
How is it so easy to look "put together" in the eyes of the Job Centre whilst simultaneously looking "unkempt" in the eyes of an employer? 🤣
Was that a reference to Truman Show there at the end?
Oh God! I saw the title and cringed as my mum complains about me not being 'Put together'.