THE PROBLEM WITH THE "FANTASY SELF" TROPE ON SOCIAL MEDIA
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- čas přidán 4. 07. 2024
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Declutter your Fantasy Self by Francine Jay → www.missminimalist.com/2011/0...
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00:00 → INTRO
00:55 → WHAT IS THE FANTASY SELF?
04:46 → THE ORIGINS OF THE FANTASY SELF TROPE
07:10 → BUT WHAT ABOUT SELF-MOTIVATING ASPIRATIONS?
8:12 → THE KEY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD FANTASY
12:00 → WHY IT'S NOT AS OBVIOUS AS IT SOUNDS
12:42 → QUESTIONS TO TO ASK WHEN SHOPPING
15:31 → QUESTIONS TO TO ASK WHEN DECLUTTERING
17:22 → FINAL THOUGHTS
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OMG! I loved this video. A wise woman once said to me " you can't buy the person you want to be, you have to act the person you want to be " that wise woman was my Mum who passed away 3 years ago. She gave loads of great advice and that piece was one of the best
Oh I love your mum’s advice!! I’m always trying to buy the person I want to be, but lately I’ve been working hard at the action part 🥰
Dawn this reminds me of "you have to give up the life you have planned in order to live the life that is waiting for you"
So sorry for your loss - but your mum sounds like she was definitely a wise woman. That’s fantastic advice. You were lucky to have had her 😘😘
What a wise woman your mum was. Thanks for sharing dawn dee 🥰
This is golden advice! Thank you for sharing.
I’ve also found that sometimes when you do become your “fantasy self” the desire for the material possessions you had associated with it vanish. When I wanted to get in shape and first began my fitness journey, I dreamed of all the expensive athleisure I’d finally be able to justify purchasing. Now, I regularly work out and am happy in the same two pairs of leggings and sports bras. Doing the thing will always be more gratifying than having the thing.
Kkkkkkkk(
I couldn’t agree more! 😊
"Doing the thing will always be more gratifying than having the thing." Ooooof dude that was a brick of wisdom I needed to have dropped on me
I find it useful to bear in mind that "buying is not doing" and "owning is not being"
For me, a treacherous part of the fantasy self lies in fantasies about how other people will perceive me. To use your example, do I want to be the kind of person who wears a staple red lip because I love the way it looks and makes me feel? Or do I want it because I love the idea of being perceived by others as classy and sophisticated? I think my fantasy self purchases tend to work out better when they're focussed around my own pleasure and confidence, rather than wanting to be liked or admired. Even when I would end up wearing that chic blouse to be mysterious at a party it would rarely by truly satisfying, because the fantasy was never really about my own pleasure/joy to begin with. And then the blouse ends up in the back of my closet.
Great video, I love seeing you discus these kinds of topics.
Great point!
I relate to this so much! I have a lot of different tastes and interests, and I am a musician that makes alternative music. So sometimes, I think I have struggles between who i want to be, what I want to look like vs how people will perceive me. It's not really that I care so much if they like me or my image. I never really know how to explain it. I just fear that the image people have of me and who I actually am would be disconnected if it makes sense.
Thank you for making sense of what goes through my mind, nailed it!
I make “fantasy self” purchases a lot, I realize. For instance, I imagined myself to be a person who gets up and has an espresso in the morning. So, I finally bought a Nespresso machine and I do have an espresso now each morning. But! My fantasy experience wasn’t complete until I also got little espresso cups, too. Espresso in a regular coffee mug was not the fantasy. My husband says I always need to accessorize my experiences, which, I can’t argue with that.
I identify with this sentiment. For instance, carving out special journaling time wasn't completely realized until I had a beautiful journal, hot tea in a whimsical mug, and my specific vanilla writing candle to go with it.
Omg I relate so hard!!
Wow, this was a fascinating concept. While you were talking, it made me think about if I should declutter a bunch of clothes that no longer fit that I have been hoping i will be able to wear again someday and have been dragging around after me through 11 moves. I asked myself would I really want to wear 30-year-old clothes if they did fit again, and it made me realize it wasn't the clothes that I wanted to keep so much, but that being able to wear them again someday would erase the "mistake" of gaining more weight that i wanted to and all the decades of being overweight that resulted. I could do the work to lose weight, but I wouldn't necessarily want those old out of date clothes worn by a much younger self when I can get new clothes that fit me and who I am now, instead of using old clothes to recapture a lost past.
But I have to add - I did save 3 or 4 boxes of classic clothes after I put on 25 lbs. I put them away in boxes labeled "off size". I didn't want to torture myself by labeling them "too small." After several years, I lost the weight eventually, unpacked the boxes, and kept about half the clothes. I wore the tailored navy velvet blazer several times over the holidays, wore the fushia pink (currently-on trend color) silk blazer last weekend. It was thrilling! So, if you have any timeless items that are too small, keep a hand-picked few of those clothes, and put them in a box somewhere that is not in your face. You never know!
@@bellebb8673 yes! i had gained 100 lbs and wallowed in it for several years. i lost all of the weight and am back to my original one, but i decluttered most of my old clothes, and now i am struggling to find new pieces that i love (i abhor clothes shopping) when my old pieces would be wonderful. congratulations to you, and best of luck to OP, you CAN do this. you don’t have to, but you can.
This is a great point. To add into it, sometimes I want a piece of clothing, but it's too small for me right now. So, I have to remind myself to not shop for the self that I will be when I slim down, but for who I am now. And, that saves me money, too.
@@mus1quenonst0p Congratulations! How wonderful! I recommend ebay and Poshmark for replacing your wardrobe. You can search by brand names that you know the sizing, and find many classic second-hand pieces at a fraction of the cost.
This is exactly the type of content I needed to catalyse me actually making moves to let go of items I have decluttered instead of keeping them in storage in another room
Love this topic. I recently gave all of my scrapbooking and painting supplies to my niece so she and her college roommates can get good use of them. For years I hung onto them due to money invested and hope that I would find the time and inspiration to use them. What a relief to let them go. Niece and roommates are using the heck out of them.
When you feel a sense of relief after giving it away, you know you did the right thing
I’m here for all of Hannah’s philosophical contents. She’s one of the deepest and eloquent but also super relatable and beautiful philosopher I’ve ever come across.
I saw “fantasy self” and thought you were doing your makeup like an elf or fairy, I clicked so fast 😅 gotta read the full title next time
maybe that's the follow-up video LOL!
@@HannahLouisePoston Yes please!!!!
@@HannahLouisePoston Its funny, the other day I was thinking how I would love to see you try out a fantasy sort of makeup look, would love to see it!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 same!!!!
An epiphany: every purchase brings a responsability. Not just towards environment, but mostly towards future oneself who will be stuck with it and will have to make use of it or feel guilty because of it. Excellent advise!
Independent of my love for this channel, I too aspire to be a woman who meditates every morning in an editorial sweater. And it’s going great ✨
AND I decluttered 12 garbage bags of clothes this week 💪
My fantasy self when I was 20 was to have crazy coloured hair and a tatts. I didn’t do either of those until I was at my 30s when I felt comfortable in make these hefty investments in my appearances. There was a peace and satisfaction that came with that.
@Jennifer I had an idea for the general design since I was 15 but finally filled it in with more objects I permanently like.
I will say this though. Once you get the first one, it so easy to say yes to more impulsive ones.
I have such a hard time balancing the line between being happy in the moment and aspiring for more. I agree that it's not inherently problematic to want to be better versions of ourselves, but it's not always beneficial to be living outside of the present.
It's an interesting topic and there are solid arguments either way. I loved hearing your thoughts on this!
balancing the line between being happy in the moment and aspiring for more. This is my daily struggle, as someone who really loves beautiful things.
Yes! You can balance the “fantasy” by having your aspirations be grounded in the present - what can I do today that will bring me closer to my dream? This week? This month? Within this year? Take action, assess, and advance!
HLP bringing the NUANCE! Loins were girded, hamstrings were strung, and joy was sparked. Well done 🎉
Two random thoughts for the potential follow-up video:
1. If you find that you don't want to do the actions to move towards the fantasy self, I think it's worth re-reflecting on what that fantasy self is or represents to you. Why it's there in the first place.
For example, I have this weird fantasy of walking into my studio in the mornings with a cute cup of coffee and cute clothes to start my day. But I don't drink coffee and all my clothes get covered with paint or makeup or both 🤣
The fantasy really represents a feeling of regularity and purpose that I've been desperately missing since becominh an entrepreneur. I miss starting my day knowing exactly what I need to do and how to do it. I don't want to drink coffee 🤣. And that realization has led me down a more productive road.
2. I think letting go of a fantasy self involves a not-insignificant grief process, and I would love to see a discussion validating that process and some advice on how to be gentle with yourself through it.
I just had this conversation with my therapist. My fantasy self has a home and a catio and a beautiful garden in the yard, she cans and pickles veggies and sauces, she does a bunch of diy projects and practices yoga as the sun rises.
We need to find happiness in the things we have and in the place we are in our lives. Or take action and make your fantasy reality ❤️
I LOVE this fantasy self. That brings me calm, just thinking about it.
I love most of what you've had to say here, especially about being intentional with your aspirations and that you need to put in the work for dreams to come true & I appreciate that you discussed it taking time and happening over time. Buying 10 chunky knits all in one season isn't the best way to become "The sweater girl" or jumping in head first into meditating and thinking it'll be easy to carve out an hour every day. But I think its support important to be cognizant of what you're decluttering and ask yourself, "am I *never* going to do this again/use this again/get around to using this" or "is this part of me just on hiatus and I have ever intention of circling back/this item is serving as my goal post as I take steps towards attaining that goal. It is my visual reminder." The difference is super important and knowing the difference can really help prevent massive financial f'ups that lead to wasted money on rebuying items you used to own. This applies to kitchen stuff, hobby stuff, instruments, books, clothes, hair stuff... the list goes on.
I haven't used my kitchen aid stand mixer in well over a year because I've been battling a lot of health issues. It sits on my counter, in full view. It doesn't haunt me though. It's the finish line... to get back to the baking I love to do. Getting rid of it simply because I'm not using it right now would be an absolute financial f'up. Same with my sewing machine and fabric stash... embroidery supplies... spinning supplies. They're all hobbies I love and will circle back to when my body is cooperating better. It's honestly the same reason I have essentially 2 complete wardrobes. When I fit one, I don't fit the other and that's fine. I rather be comfortable in my clothes than them be too tight or too loose or have no clothes that fit at all at some points.
My aunt managed to score a beautiful, antique piano when her kiddos were still on the young side... back in the 90s. It took her almost 20 years to be in a position to finally take lessons regularly (she was busy keeping up her vocals while raising a family of boys) but she knew in her heart of hearts, she wanted to. If they'd passed on that beautiful piano, they'd have had to mortgage the house to afford it when she started taking lessons.
I'm also a big fan of packing away pieces (clothing, hair, jewelry) that might not currently be your thing but definitely were a favorite because its highly probable that you'll circle back to them and having to completely reinvest is again, a massive financial f'up. It is important to be judicious and I'm not encouraging hoarding... but you don't build financial stability by having to continually rebuy stuff because you purged it and ended up needing it again or wanting it back. Society has gotten super toxic about "decluttering" to the point that there are channels dedicated to decluttering already super minimal homes. It's so consumeristic... it's honestly worse than being aspirational with the things you buy.
This, a thousand times. But it's not even just financially wasteful, but psychologically thorny and potentially philosophically dishonest as well. If you're constantly funneling possessions in and out of your home via regular binging and purging to keep the core items low in number so you can feel like you're in control of those impulses and are seen to be 'doing' minimalism 'right', you're really not behaving in the spirit of the thing at all. It's all smoke and mirrors. You're still consuming, collecting, engaging in that overabundance-and-novelty fantasy before rejecting, rinsing, and repeating.
Thank you for this perspective. I've been through seasons of life and sometimes they are cyclical. I also come from the rural poor side of the tracks where we keep things and repurpose them, and it is wise to hang on to things to fix other things or reuse in some way!
I really appreciate this way of thinking!
A big YES to all of this. My problem has never been a disconnect between fantasy and action. It's a matter of competing priorities and too little time. E.g. I know I would use all my craft supplies if I wasn't forced to choose other priorities right now. Decluttering them would give me more space and make my home feel tidier, but it would make me extremely sad to be giving up on that part of myself. It wouldn't be a relief, it would be despair.
@@JulianneBenford exactly! And I think hobbies are often seasonal. I do encourage trying to schedule even 20min a week to being creative… in whatever form that takes. But yeah. Like, when I had to stop knitting and crocheting for a year to let an injury heal. Purging all my supplies would not only have been wasteful but also emotionally damaging, even though I wasn’t sure how intensely I’d return to those pursuits once healed. I’d found more creative outlets during that year. I’ve just folded them in.
I LOVE fostering my "fantasy self". Most of my fantasy self isn't that difficult to achieve though. She's curious and actively explores the world around her. And that's entirely achievable. So, I hang on to my sports bras, wool socks, and other "play clothes" more suitable for scrambling up muddy ravines and climbing trees than going to a wine tasting. I'm ok with my "fantasy self". She's cool.
I'm 40. I ditched the notion of my "fantasy self" 10 years ago lol. Once you reach a certain point of yourself in life, you just know. I know what I like and want, what I'm interested in, and I invest in those things wisely.
I totally understand what you mean. I’m at that point at 30. The catalyst was becoming a mom. No time for fantasies 😂 just comfortable clothes that I like to wear, and nice but minimal makeup and hair routines.
I'm glad you figured it out so early on! Some of us bloom later, and that's good too. Thanks for the video, Hannah!
@@laurielansue4131 yep, I'm approaching 40 and feel like a weird girl next to those of my age who look like grownup women having their shit together))
@@oritigra I feel you.
@@oritigra I am almost 50 and still nowhere near that put together, classy version of womanhood I've always aspired to be. 😂
I think the take home here is the practice should precede the purchase. In almost every case, except for maybe your red lipstick example, you have at least some tools to facilitate the new habit of your fantasy self, be it meditating, cooking yourself breakfast, exercising, etc. Buying new cookware or workout clothes or a fancy meditation pillow after you’ve already started doing the thing is then no longer buying for your fantasy self, it is buying something for your present self to improve your experience. You may also find that once you’ve implemented a practice, you don’t really need or want to buy new things that you once thought would motivate you to change.
This is totally true.
Like... When I finally wanted to start drawing again, I bought myself a sketchbook & some graphite pencils. I told myself that when I practice for a month straight, I'll reward myself w/ some Prismacolor pencils, to enhance my experience & incentivise myself. I kind of... Ignored drawing for a couple months, because life happened. I felt bad for spending $80 on my "fantasy self" of being artistic...
But when I got back to drawing regularly, after life cleared up? I'm so glad I had those coloured pencils! And I'm so glad I had that new sketchbook. But I'm equally glad that I didn't go 100% all-in from the start or use the excuse to reward myself w/ WAY MORE SUPPLIES.
I needed a few items to act upon my fantasy, but I didn't need much. And I feel very glad that I didn't splash out excessively, even tho I did benefit from a bit of incentive.
Excellent addition. It's also a good opportunity to find out whether the $50 you had set aside for yoga tools would be better spent on a nice yoga mat and blocks or on some physical classes or on good yoga pants or etc... you know more exactly what you'd benefit from once you've started doing the thing. But yeah, purchasing something is an endpoint, it's not a starting point to an activity. Finding the starting point to your activity is a whole different gateway.
I absolutely need a part 2, this has come at the most perfect time for me, I’ve tried no-buys, I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried handing over control of my bank account to someone else, but in the end the only thing that is going to work long-term is a complete attitude adjustment. Thank you ❤
ooh! ooh! Hannah veers into philosophical territory *pulls chair up closer*!! THANK YOU for this and for all you do.
Amen sister!
Thank you for continuing to generously share the fruits of your curiosity and inquisitiveness. Your mind and voice are the grounding forces that my fantasy self needs! xo
Well said!
@@pasitheathanatosasmr488 Thanks!
Also, I'm a former fashion girl, but always at heart an artist and reader. I deeply love your fashion content. It's such a fresh perspective, as you're coming from an artistic and intellectual space. Much beauty content is coming from a strictly "fashion" perspective which is heavily influenced by social hierarchies that shift/wax/wane. I love your perspective, it's deeply refreshing!
Yup, I agree with this. When I returned to piano, I made sure to find a piano teacher to hold myself accountable and make sure I practiced. And now I’ve jumped a couple of levels in my piano playing, and do not regret my baby grand purchase and my piano music.
I'm rewatching your no buy videos as I am on a No Buy in 2023 and I am seeing how much the fantasy self concept sneaks in with everything for me.
Last weekend I decided I wanted to be my fantasy self. To work on that this week, I have done my nails and been wearing my beloved jewellery that I've owned for many years but never wore day to day because I never believed my aesthetic or style meant I could 'pull off' that particular jewellery. I have experiences wavering confidence of my choices, practical barriers and felt a lot of fulfillment and joy. It seems so silly that sticking on some fake nails and wearing some rings has had this affect but it truly feels like the start of something new for me. Even my partner remarked they were so glad to see I was working on my aesthetic in this was
Oops hit go before I'd finished. But to conclude, it has taken a certain amount of effort to build up to this point and continues to be an effort to be my fantasy self, it has literally taken years to build up to wearing some jewellery that I like. This video really resonated with me and feels like it's come at a very particular and important time to articulate my experience right now, thank you Hannah x
This comment is so inspiring to me. Thank you for sharing!
The phrase "Editorial Knitwear" is going to be in my head like a song and I'm so here for it. ❤️
When I heard the phrase "decluttering the fantasy self" the first thing that popped in my head was actually a sort of decluttering of the mind like you describe towards the end of the video - a process that's not about stuff but more about seeking a clarity of desire - what fantasies are important enough to act on and which were thinks that your thought looked appealing on instagram but can really just stop devoting mental space to - once those decisions have been made decisions about stuff become much less fraught - and you can often start taking action without purchasing anything at all
This is the most thoughtful presentation of the fantasy self concept that I’ve encountered.
Thank you for differentiating between realistic and unrealistic "fantasies" of ourselves. For me, words matter. I'm a licensed therapist and I would encourage my clients to shy away from the word "fantasy self" because a fantasy generally refers to something impossible or improbable. There's a difference between having a vision, goals, and aspirations vs. having a fantasy. That's just my take though.
Maybe let the occasional client use the phrase, if it suits them. Just the thought of "visions, goals, and aspirations" makes me go cold. But I've acted on fantasy, mostly because of how wonderful the word is. Different things motivate different people. Your three words make me feel like I stumbled into a corporate seminar; my word mkaes me feel like it's okay to step outside the box and be that someone who's been trapped inside me for too long. My word gets my out of bed in the morning -- "goals" have never done that for me.
Now I know for sure why my previous fantasy self purchases were not used. I NEVER acted on it, I only purchased. Now I feel like I can close that chapter on why !
Thank you, Hannah, for the clarification !
As someone who hasn’t achieved anything that she aspired to in her youth, I’ve learned to find the joy and the greatness in what I have in my life. I may not have went to college and gotten a degree - but I did find my soul mate at 16, and have been able to keep our relationship and marriage in tact for nearly 24 years now - 17 years married. Fighting to stay with my best friend since 16, that’s something I’m proud of. And continue to be proud of, as each year I was able to maintain what is truly MOST important to me. ❤❤
I can definitely relate to this as I didn't go to college to get that high-paying "career" but went to vocational school instead. After many decisions that were out of order, I decided being a good mother and then wife was more than good enough for me! 😊
This is going to stick with me for awhile. I was mindlessly browsing and adding makeup to cart on the Lisa Eldridge site as I want to be a person with flawless skin who always looks polished and put together. I already have 4 Lisa Eldridge lipsticks I bought years ago that I never wear. I have so many lipsticks I never wear. I have aborted my No Buy Year each month. I am hoping this video helps me recommit and really think about why the putting things into baskets is happening and who I really am and want to be. Thank you so much for this video--for all of your videos.
This was so thought provoking! The only thing I would add is ~ What about those of us who want the Fantasy Self, (and it is possible), but there is something standing in our way from accomplishing our full realization right now. Like, perhaps we are in an abusive relationship or in a toxic family… or have to pay the bills… or are a caregiver, have a medical issue… some obstacles that must be overcome first or won’t be a problem in the future? I think in that case, having the objects (without necessarily acting on them in a noticeable way) can still serve to motivate, inspire, improve or preserve mental health & feelings of hope. 💛
I think I understand what are you saying and I guess I've been there. Where the problem laid for me was when I was buying more than one proverbial red lipstick - because if I'm not acting on it, one piece gotta be enough to represent my fantasy self)
Halfway through this video I felt compelled to put on the bold red lipstick that I bought last summer and never wear🙃
Another HLP banger/reference video to rewatch time and again. I plan to come back and take notes next time. Absolutely yes to a part two! Thank you Hannah!
On the difference between good and bad fantasy, I think it’s also about where these fantasies come from. Is your fantasy something that was given to you (from norms, from family expectations, from fear of not keeping up)? Or is your fantasy rooted in curiosity and inspiration and self-determination?
I think the aspiration of who we want to become can still be tied to our real life…to me the Fantasy Self that is NOT tied to reality is what we need to let go of because it is what mostly gets us into financial trouble, and buried under clutter that we really don’t use and therefore NOT necessary to our life…thank you for making this video…the world needs MORE of this content!!!!
You’re a beauty guru and a talented motivational speaker! So glad I found you. 🥰 Also, I love the image of the alluring woman + two eggs over easy 😂
I want a part 2. I actually put away some fantasy self clothes until I was the size I needed to be to fit them. It did stress me out to see them but I put them away and just decided to do the work to be that size
Love getting into the philosophical aspects of beauty and life with you, Hannah! The "best version of ourselves" you encourage us to be or become at the end of every video is what I consider the most loving version of the "fantasy self" :)
Oh wow, yes!! I was at a shoe store and saw some beautiful soft pink high heel sandals. I pictured myself wearing them out to brunch with friends and family. I saw myself looking cute and having so much fun. Reality? I don't go to brunch, ever. Plus, high heels hurt my feet and knees. I could wear anything and have fun at brunch with loved ones. I don't even own anything to match those shoes! I left the store feeling like I made the right choice and saved a bunch of money, too. Whenever I get caught up in a similar scenario, I ask myself if this is a "pink sandal" type of thing to keep myself on track.
This is great timing for me as I stare at a shopping cart full of nail polish and body products. I already have a drawer full of them, but they never get used. Buying the nail polish does not make a perfect manicure and pedicure!
Oh, Hannah! This was inspirational. More like this, please. This is your calling.
Just a compliment: I love the way you articulate things. The way you are able to put your thoughts into words. I get inspired to practice that more myself 🥰
I am a stay at home mom in a small town so virtually anything I buy fits into a "fantasy". I really appreciated this...just not sure what to do when your lifestyle and surroundings dictate yoga pants with flannel shirts but you really feel more yourself in long boho dresses with exotic perfume lol...looking forward to part 2.
I’m a SAHM too, though I live in a smaller city, and stick out like a sore thumb because I dress up every day (despite maybe the only places I go are appointments or to the store). I would really encourage you that if you feel happiest and fulfilled wearing more exciting clothes, to go for it! I get a lot of weird looks, but because I’ve made a point of daily getting dressed up (it’s a form of both artistic expression and self care for me) and it’s so normal for me at this point, I don’t really feel out of place. Go for your dreams!
@@CaseyMaura Thank you for the encouragement!
You're not defined by your confines necessarily. I'm a busy mom too, and I work in corporate but I don't see those things as who I am
Definitely wear those long boho dresses if that’s at all possible, even if you change into them when the kids are in bed. Don’t lose yourself for too long because it doesn’t go away.
I relate to your thoughts. I too live in a small town now. I am turning 60 this year and was able to stop working. I live in my fantasy hobby farm house but miss the opportunities I had to express myself through my clothing and style when working and socializing. I thought retiring early would give me time to do ALL my fantasy hobbies, yet I have yet to do many of them. Hannah's video is super helpful to stop ruminating and start acting or letting go. I don't want the last years of my life to be overwhelmed by thoughts of not doing enough. Anywoo....I love fabric and clothes and beauty. I started dressing how I want to feel whether I stay home or go to the village Market. It feels silly at first, but I found I feel better about myself and really stopped worrying what other's might think. My husband is not into fashion at all, so he would tease me which made me feel angry, but with time he stopped and like Hannah said. "...by doing the act, you become the fantasy self"
This is my favorite video you've ever made, and I've been watching since Half Cousins. I got totally inspired to journal about my fantasy self, make a list of actions to take, and program a habit tracking app to help me take the baby steps. I often get sucked into window shopping for my fantasy life, and ultimately that's always depressing.
Wishing you the best! I know the planning and editing of this video was hard work. It paid off.
This was so good, when I made the decision in 2020 to committ to my fittness and than covid happened and gyms closed I started with what I had knowing previously i hadnt stuck to it. After 6 months I was still working out regulally so we turned a spare room into a gym room and I started slowing investing in equipment for it.....3 yrs on and I still workout regularly and happy with purchases I made along the way however If i went full pelt b4 making the committment and proving to myself i can stick to it it would have been for my fantasy self and a waste....esp turning a bedroom into a gym
Loved this. My fantasy self was never about me, it was about family expectations and how to please. Now I'm truly myself, at 57. When you said editorial knitwear I had to smile that is me!! Texture, bright lipstick, comfy clothes is my true fantasy self that has become reality. I just wish I could have realized this sooner. Thanks Hannah for sharing your thoughts😘
This video is SO good and enlightening. I personally used to write a ton of stories when I was younger. My days usually started with at least two hours of writing before I got ready for school/work and excessive writing during the weekends. I created several fantasy selves of myself and that over the course of more than 20 years. People around me could easily watch me transform into various versions of myself depending on the story I wrote at that specific time. I just wanna say: you can totally manipulate yourself into becoming another version of yourself. Writing might not work for everyone but it has always been my way of visualising who I would want to be and my way of finding ways to get there. The dangerous part of that method might be that you could totally lose the version of you who really feels like you. But hey, I can't say, I haven't tried everything I wanted to try. Right now I am a much more settle, toned down and less visually "loud" version of myself overall. I truly believe, going and living through all those fantasy versions of myself helped me figure out what truly is my thing. I never thought I could really fall in love with sewing, working out, outdoors activities and caring for my own pets. But honestly, especially those things are the ones that make me feel most like myself. Plus: clothing and make up are slowly becoming something that I am rather easing in than pressuring myself into. I used to constantly try out new styles and colors to figure out who I really was, just to learn, that I am longing for way easier and more carefree looks than I thought. I am very complex on the inside and the carefree looks just create balance and match my lifestyle way better. I do have a carefree side to myself and like to enhance that with my outfits, hair and make up. I learned that I can easily add drama and structure whenever I want, but that doesn't mean I need to get rid of anything that's rather flowy, carefree and simple or buy a ton of dramatic style clothes. I am just in the middle of re-organizing my wardrobe and it never felt that easy and "just right".
Thank you so much for your nouanced thoughts on this matter!
Normally I struggle with finishing projects and changing my habits but for the last 4 months I am the person who cooks healthy and delitcious meals on a daily basis and I was wondering why of all my goals, this is the one I succeed in.
And it boils down to: I act on it.
It started with getting THAT perfect cook book for Christmas. But I followed all the way through.
It is a combination of working on my cooking skills so everything tastes better, buying healthier ingredients, the realisation that I feel better when I eat healthy and making cooking a priority in my evening planning.
It required a lot of changes in different areas of my life.
Wow this really resonated with me. The STUFF doesn’t make you, you!
I wonder how neurodivergence and a struggle with executive function play into this topic, too! Prepping to start vs. starting tasks is a struggle I have in my life broadly.
Was wondering this too! I have ADHD and consistency/follow-through gets complicated/is nuanced with my executive function dysfunction.
My name's not MIchelle, but I have the same issues. :D I'm autistic AND have ADHD (among some other stuff) so that's a whole layer of fun.
Yep, yep, yep.
Also, I'd love to see you try out perfume "dupes" like Dossier or Fine'ry. Fine'ry makes one for Tom Ford Lost Cherry called Not Another Cherry and Dossier's version is Ambery Cherry.
Always a part II Hannah! Pretty please 🙏. Examined thoughts, feelings, culture, and perspective on beautiful things and actualized self from our favorite poet, painter, and tango dancer? I adore these video essays on point of view of self and society interaction developing into actualisation of our points of view as designers and artists of our own lives. To be a beautifully curated self; somewhere between a hot mess and a work of art. Yet ever evolving, artistically clear, and fulfilling our work in the world.
These video essays are so special from you Hannah! ❤
This kind of summarizes something I as able to learn by experience (and a lot of spending later) now in my 36 years old. This is a great topic.
You hit the nail on the head. Advertising is VERY good at appealing to our fantasy selves. I love the idea of being intentional behind each purchase we make and really thinking about how it fits in with our real selves vs. our fantasy selves.
I do this with “side hustles”. I’ll get all the stuff to start making something to sell but inevitably don’t then am stuck with piles of stuff I’m not using. I work, go to school and have a family to take care of. Yeah it’d be nice to finish projects but I also value my down time. This video really helped to put my buying into perspective.
I love this video, and I hope you make a part 2. You bring a thoughtfulness to beauty that inspires me as much as your makeup. It really sets you and your channel apart.❤
Thank you for articulating what has been unspoken in my mind for ages. I have a lot of fantasy selves, each one idealized, compartmentalized and...accessorized of course! Clearly I have much work to do here, but the most obvious one for me is camping girl. I have SO much outdoor gear in bins, bags and tucked in closets. But the hard truth is, everytime I go camping, I am miserable! I find that I don't like getting sweaty, dirty, accosted by bugs and futile attempts at sleeping in a tent. :/ I think it's time to let her go!
This video is about so much more than our fashion choices! It goes to the heart of our vision for our whole person. I’m so glad to have found your channel in the apex of my own fashion reinvention. I totally appreciate just how poetic you are talking about these topics. As a writer, I could listen or read your videos as a transcript-to-blog all day. Good luck with the new fashion++ aspect of your channel. I can envision many meaningful offshoots.
Your ongoing discussion about the fantasy self has given me alot to think and act upon over the last few years. Thanks for this next piece to ruminate on.
What a brilliant video essay 👏 so well said, and very insightful
Spot on with your take on decluttering your fantasy self. I wasn't sure I could justify the cost of buying the things I needed to do the type of crafting I was inspired by so I started doing it with improvised tools and materials. As I kept going, I would add one tool, one material at a time. I found that I was really into this art form and bought a few more things. I still don't have a fully stocked studio as I've learned from improvising that I don't need it and my purchases are more judicious. Throughout this process I've learned exactly what you are saying, that I need to do the things I aspire to before I spend my way to stuff I may or may not use.
This is the best video I’ve seen in a long time on the topic of decluttering! Thanks
This made me realise that I’ve had a similar experience with buying online courses to change my life. And a course can be even more insidious than a physical item- because you can actually listen/ go through the whole course just ‘passively’ listening and because you spend your time watching it, comfy in your chair, you FEEL like you have gone on a journey. In the same way, studies show that people watching sport experience much of the rise in heart rate and other sensations that they would if they were playing the sport, rather than sitting and snacking! So you can end up with a false sense of achievement ( and a reduced bank balance!) that can be very depressing in the long run.
Don’t get me wrong, I have definitely benefited from some courses I’ve taken, but many I’ve just let wash over me, with the happy illusion that I’ve magically become my fantasy self, I’m actually taking action, just by buying the course!
This is so helpful to explain a version of something I have been trying: I try out the fantasy before buying something. I often dream about cookbooks, I have often bought them without actually cooking from them. Recently I’ve been borrowing them from the library to “try out the fantasy” before committing to any purchase. Realizing that this is what I’m doing makes me want to try it on something else!
I've learned to mark out the time or sign up for the class FIRST, borrow or make due with whatever is free to start, then buy the equipment as is needed as my skill grows. The nice thing with this order is that when you finally get the equipment, you know exactly what need you need to meet and which product will be best suited. So for your red lip example, find your closest color to red in your makeup box if you already wear lipstick daily and switch to that for a week or two. If you don't typically wear lipstick at all, find what lipstick you do have or even a tube of chapstick and likewise wear that for a couple weeks every single day. When you go to the store to buy your perfect shade a couple weeks later, you will have a better idea in your head what exact shade of red you really want. From my own life, I signed up and paid the deposit for ballet classes FIRST, then I bought the minimal starter set. Over the years I've bought a lot of different shoes and leotards and tights, but I never use legwarmers or those fancy puffy shoe covers. I would have had no idea if I'd just blasted in and bought "the whole ballerina set" and those would have been clutter.
Yes, so interesting. I'm always blown away with the energy released from both embracing the inspiration to act on aspiration AND from letting go of the idea of something that is more about (self or others) perception. Looking forward to a part two!
Oh boy, is this ever a video for me. I used to just swoon over the homewares in William Sonoma, wanting a set of dishes to serve 12 each holiday after cooking a mammoth meal in seasonally colored Le Creuset cookware. My highest aspiration is to have a giant, comprehensive butlers pantry. My sweet husband, watching me drool over a gorgeous tablescape in the store, asked me gently, “is this for the life you have, or for the life you wished you have?” I stopped dead in my tracks. Suddenly the rubrics cube of desire clicked into place. I do not like entertaining at home. I much prefer to go out. And how many times have I fretted and fussed over where to store yet another aspirational purchase, feeling stressed and overwhelmed with too many things I just do not use? The crash to reality was a bit painful but necessary. Now, with HLP’s help, I am working this concept into my beauty budget, and with each thing I do not buy, I feel a tiny bit more free. And that is priceless. ♥️
This is literally "the girl in the green scarf" moment in Confessions of a Shopaholic
Someone online posted that she was convinced that buying the materials for a craft, and actually doing the craft, are two separate hobbies. I think about that all the time, and I will be thinking about Hannah saying you can’t buy yourself into being the person you want to be all the time, too. (I will also be purging those seven red lipsticks. 😂)
I totally did pick up my cello after ten years without, and then joined a community orchestra and have been playing for 6 years since. Granted, I never got rid of the cello so it was not complicated
sorry another thought: i think also a big thing is to make do with what you have while pursuing the aspirational fantasy self. you want to cook eggs every morning? do you need THAT pan or can you make do with the tools you already have? if you want to wear red lipstick, do you already have one (maybe not absolutely perfect and luxurious) already to start wearing? you want to be someone who gets up and goes to the gym in the morning? you don’t need new workout gear to do that. you can start in your old tshirts and leggings.
I started taking notes partway into this video and kind of ended up transcribing basically the whole thing. I have some further unpacking to do about not only what stuff corresponds to a fantasy self, but also where those fantasies even came from in the first place, and whether those beliefs about the kind of person I should want to be correspond to the kind of person I _actually_ want to be!
Such an interesting perspective. I have always read those quotes more as "don't do something because you feel like you should...do it because it feels true to you". I don't think there is a problem with having a fantasy self as long as it is a genuine reflection of who you want to be as opposed to trying to mirror who someone else is or who social media tells you that you should be.
I think you might really find insight in the book “the four tendencies”. I have always been confused how you could say you just set a goal, then you just don’t break your promise to myself. That is a foreign language to me.
I never really understood why until I heard Gretchen Rueben framework that we have expectations to ourselves, and expectations to others. Some are motivated about those expectations, and some are not. I find myself not motivated by my own NOR other’s expectations in myself, so setting that expectation doesn’t work, and I feel like I’ve failed when I sail past it. It gave me language for the way you and I work differently, and might give you a new way to understand how people make change in their life ❤
I’m a definite rebel tendency as well…I love the framework as it applies to understanding myself better and those I work with!
Oof, I actually just got a huge amount of clarity on one of my fantasy selves. I've always wanted beautifully long and groomed nails, but was a frantic nailbiter. I bought many pop on nails over the past three years but rarely use them. However, at the end of last year, I bought a nail kit with nail files, cuticle oil, hand cream, etc. I have actually been using the kit since January and my nails are what I have always dreamed of: long, healthy, strong. Even with just a clear top coat on, I love them. My fantasy was never going to be fulfilled and will never be fulfilled by all the pop on nails I own, because the clear truth of my desire was that I wanted MY nails to be better. One of your best videos, and that's saying a lot because they are always quality!
Wow thank you for this! I absolutely love your philosophical content (and also the less deep fashion advice!) this makes so much sense and I know I have fallen into the trap of buying very expensive dressy garments thinking my fantasy self would be wearing it to sophisticated social events. When the reality is that I am an introvert who does not have a buzzy social life and enjoys long walks in nature and curling up with a good book 😂 I have bought a lot of art supplies over the past few years wanting to learn to paint and I have barely touched it… however I understand why… the past 2 years have been unsettled and an emotional rollercoaster as I left my marriage, and trying to sell our house so I never felt relaxed enough to “indulge” in learning to paint and practising it. However I am keeping the art stuff because I am now buying a place of my own, I have signed up to art classes and I just know that once I’m in my own home and feeling more at peace I will dedicate myself to learning this new craft. So I will take your advice and actually plan to take action and even schedule time in my calendar to practise art. To me that was a realistic fantasy. Something I strongly want to do but have been holding myself back. Thanks again Hannah. I love content like this that helps me to empower me 😊
I’ve been trying to sit with my fantasy self and ask him what parts of current me got me there. It’s been cathartic and I’ve definitely re worked what I view as my fantasy self. I’ve been replacing toxic pieces of culture that seeped in with kind affirming thoughts. It’s way harder than it sounds but this was incredibly helpful!
There are so many “pretty things” I’ve seen over the years…. When I think o possibly getting them, I make myself think about whether or not they will be used and appreciated. If not, I take a picture for “fantasy me” to have. Real me keeps on living.
Came for the fashion content, stayed for the therapy sessions! ❤
Loved this video. Your articulation brings so much light to all the complexities lurking beneath the surface.
This video made me think of the quote 'all that's real has been imagined first', but you are so right in that imagination is just not enough.
I watched this a year ago and enjoyed it, but it speaks to me more now. I'm about to move house, I've tried to declutter many things, but this is my chance to becom my fantasy self, and I'm all over it. Difference is, I will be knitting my own brightly coloured knits 🤣
I find your videos so informative with a lot of food for thought. I appreciate this!
I think a great thing to add to this is something Shawna Ripari said. When it comes to making eggs, going to parties, starting a mediation practice…. Make the change FIRST. You can almost always do the things you want to do without making the purchase, unless it’s an entirely new hobby youre picking up. And if it IS entirely new, just do a class to experiment with it without purchasing all the materials. That action prior to the purchase will make it really clear if youre commited, and then you can purchase the new item to make the action or habit easier. Obviously this doesn’t count for things like red lipsticks, but another trap we fall into is “I really want to be a person who wears red lipstick, so I should buy 6 different shades of red because that will make me commit” instead of just one and trying it out.
Yes, yes, a 1000 times. Yes, I would love to see more content on this subject. You speak so eloquently. I love getting a little piece of what goes on in your seemingly brilliant mind. Excellent video. It's the best one I've ever watched. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your journey. You've inspired and helped me, and I'm sure many others.
wow i’ve never heard of this! i think i’m already my fantasy self, but hearing other perspectives is really cool! whenever i want to do something i do it, so ig i’ve never had a specific me i was working towards. my interests change so frequently that thinking of myself as a static character never really occurred to me. like whenever i want to learn a new skill i just do it, like i taught myself to replace tile just cause i thought it was interesting.
This video needs to go viral
Thanks! Did not expect to get hit with this today. You've affirmed some suspicions I was begining to have about letting go of craft supplies... but in a comforting and encouraging way :)
I very much enjoyed this video, Hannah. You come from such a balanced and nuanced place, which can be rare to find.
I started to take action on fulfilling my fantasy self a few months ago. It was a little nerve wracking at first, but it feels like the “real” me at this point. I’ve also let go of my fantasy self that wears bright and interesting colors. I’ve experimented and it just wasn’t me. I love neutrals, especially black.
Please keep making your philosophically-minded content. ❤
I can’t lke this enough- this is the kind of content that I absolutely love! I love that it makes me think in a way that most other people don’t. I appreciate you really dissecting the difference between an aspiration that makes us feel bad, and one that actually inspires us to change ourselves for the better❤ And I would absolutely love a part 2!
The frying pan did equal increased morning eggs for me, but I have a potato masher I've never used....
Recently I casually said “Hey Y’all, hiii… “ in the most sunshine way and so I came to your channel and subscribed
I’m quite aware of this concept when shopping, but less so in terms of decluttering. Breaking it down like this is going to help so much with my awareness as to what makes sense for me to keep and let go of as I happen to be going through a major declutter at the moment. Thank you as always for your thoughtful content!
I think the difference between it all, is the connotation, the positive or the negative association with the fantasy self.
My favorite videos are always the "deep dive" philosophical takes on whatever your chosen subject happens to be. Thank you!
an example i thought of the other day thinking about a similar topic- wanting to be the cool hip yoga lady and buying lululemon vs actually going to yoga classes and becoming the cool hip yoga lady
This is an excellent practice to identify fantasy self and act accordingly. Thanks for this video as it cleared a pathway for me. I am putting this into practice as I’ve been stuck in decluttering my stuff. After watching this video, I’ve decided that my 20 year old flute and guitar can find a new home.