To Be Gay, Lonely, and Black
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- čas přidán 26. 08. 2024
- Before my recovery journey, this was my response to the Huffington Post article "The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness".
Resource for healing for Black Men: The Sid Center in Atlanta, Georgia: www.blackmenhe...
My Grandmother was a professional match maker for years with a 95% success rate! She's 100 years old so she gets visits from the great great grandchildren of her matches. The wisdom this woman has is incredible and I really wanna put her up somewhere on cam for people to start benefitting from what she knows. One conversation that stands out foremost in my mind was when I asked her how she just seems to "know" who will be a match! She had a rather lengthy process. But here is some of what she told me. Please understand this is typing and I can't put everything, but hopefully this little bit will help many out there who read it.
1. Know who you are- By knowing who you are, you will also know your life's purpose. This is important (According to her) because people who might not "match" in other areas, can actually match if they have purpose and it doesn't have to be the "same" purpose. But the drive, determination to succeed and win at their individual purpose can bind them. It is the passion of their life purpose that will glue them together.
2. Know what you "NEED"- What you want and what you need are two entirely different things. She said to me "Listen, we ALL WANT the hunky hot whoever. But you can get them, and they contribute nothing to what you NEED, which comes from within! Some need to make noise (talk). Some need to be heard. By knowing exactly what you NEED you're ahead of most people who are operating on what they want. You will be able to spot clearly the best match for yourself because you will start looking at people through the lens of what you need, and you can see those who offer it vs those who don't.
3. Know what you Offer- If you're going to take what you need you are going to have to be willing to trade something in return for that. Nothing is free. And be real about this. "I have a great personality" isn't an offer. That is not something tangible you can trade for what you need. You will find success if and when what you offer...is a need...of your target! Now the relationship has a foundation.
4. Stop dreaming- Most of us live in la la land. Even when we meet prospective mates, they are clearly showing you who they are, but you are getting "lost in love" with who you IMAGINE them to be! This is also what leads most to thinking relationships are supposed to be filled with passion because they have fantasies of what love is which leads me to number 5.
5. Be In Love With Normal- According to her every relationship has phases. Just like we do. Just like the moon. Just like the seasons. There is a spring, summer, winter and fall! Be prepared to be bored! Be in love with it! According to her...if you can't picture a life with this person...where you are sitting across from each other or next to each other in what she called "the comfortable content of silence" then they might not be a match. Most couples just run out of things to say. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong. Just that nothing may be going on in life right now and that's ok. You have to be comfortable just being in the same space as someone even if you're not talking.
There was so much more but that's all I'm giving. It's too long as is lol. Hopes this help someone out there.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to write this incredible wisdom from your 100 year old grandmother. I have pinned it to share her wisdom with the world. If she is ever available for an interview on camera, I would be delighted to feature her. I'll be referring to this wisdom myself for growth and learning. Thank you!
Yep, I have to love myself first, hell, even like myself first before anyone else. And yes also to, fantasying over a "person's", looks, body, etc. which is probably learned behavior from childhood and TV and movies etc. You might think, me included, you're not interested in that person, but then the interests, love grows with every outing with that person and getting to know who that person really is.🙂
@@jenniferhalliwell416 - Thank you. I Love this. Great Granny. 👌
Community is the most essential thing in someone's life, yet gay men, especially black gay men, are the ones who are robbed the most of it. The lack of the feeling of belonging is why existence is so burdersome for us.
You're absolutely right. When you're in a White dominated areas where you don't see yourself regularly reflected in any of the happenings around you. When you're a pariah to the family because you happened to be born gay; suddenly we face the world with kin or community and isolation becomes part of our regular lived experience.
I now go to an LGBTQIA+ open and affirming church and am in a 12 Step recovery program where I can be exactly who I am openly without judgment or fear. I've learned that I am worthy. That first ideal of worthiness impacts everything else. Tyler Perry said, "Get to worthy."
@@thequestioningwhy many of you chose that after parents warned you about the evil lifestyle
Freakbob disagrees
That part!
I've noticed you commenting on many of my comments. I understand that mental health challenges are gripping your mind. I pray you find peace and begin your healing journey immediately. Blessings.
I never did the gay hook up websites. I never did the hookup thing period. I had a long term relationship over 20+ years. 2 black men.
Thats cool
That is awesome. I have watched your videos and appreciate your perspective. I'd be interested in interviewing you concerning your experiences.
But weren't you entangled with a lot of crazy men, on numerous breaks where yall separated and seeing other people, and using Twitter, Instagram, and fb as hookup apps? I recall ppl saying you messaged them on Twitter and Facebook with SS. They could be lying but I remember those fall out videos and threads.
@@dariusd2003and i oop 😳
I'm not buying it, respectfully
As a Bi/Gay black man I'm just going to say this, learn to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. And if you learn to be happy with yourself with someone else make sure your boundaries are clear.
Ahhh. The quintessential "find inner peace" message. Just "focus on yourself". "The only thing you can change is you." I know soooo many goddamn straight people that hate their jobs, hate how they look, hate THE WORLD but the one thing they have and is almost never tested is their partner/spouse. Its the one truth in their lives. This "be the best you, you can be" is hippy nonsense for people that dont want to engage with harsh realities of this world. Some of us will be alone. Hundreds of years ago, before the social exposure of the gay community, bachelors died by the age 50 and it wasnt "abnormal". It was just a reality. Now we live longer, capitalism has made some of the process if living more automated and we have more time to "find a mate." But social stigma still persists in ways straight ppl dont have to worry about. Gay men have to do this dumb dance of being loud, physically exceptional and proud while maintaining masculine, confident, and "positive representation". If you fall outside or on the ends of those you can expect harder time finding community. Id rather give someone an honest scope of life to figure out what they are willing to compromise for than empty self motivational fortune cookie drivel.
Learn to be happy with freakbob first 🗣️
@@Lorrenz dayummm..lol
We all have tried to pray it away and question ourselves why am I like this.
@@David-qj1po Don't pray it away, you have to just live in being HAPPY with yourself and not live in the denial of what you love.
I needed this soooooooo bad. Your words healed me.
You made me choke up. Reaching out sending you a very firm hug. You are loved.
Make better choices. DO SOMETHING FOR 21 DAYS AND WATCH YOUR HABITS CHANGE. You probably didn't mate with women long enough to find your equal. A black woman is your equal. Stop looking at white women to be your match. You go from man to man looking for love. Try that with a woman, and train her to your taste. And love and care for her and watch her blossom into your ideal mate. And give it time.
@@emilystevens6335 lmao sexuality doesn't work like that for everyone. Bye.
@@emilystevens6335 Thank you for the chuckle. I know that my experience cannot be comprehended by anyone except those living through it.
That said, I dated a Black woman. I wasn't able to get aroused to have sex with her. I've never been with a white woman. I simply do not find women sexually attractive.
That will be impossible for linear minded hetero men to understand but that's ok. They are not my problem or my responsibility.
Listen I will be 46 this year. And I have had a whole lifetime of broken relationship with me. I had given up on dating. Until my unexpected love came from india It was unexpected when I say it was unexpected. I'm riding this to you. Because I wish I would have heard this year's ago. Thank you for taking the time and caring about other people. We have been together now 2 years we have gotten married I have never known love like this befor❤❤❤❤❤❤ I say if you can date outside of You're race I never did that before. In my first relationship with indian guy I got married😂😂😂😂😂 He's so lovin an understanding kind He's just a joy to be around. I can tell him anything. I just feel unconditional love something I have never felt from a partner Back happiest, I have ever been in my life.
My best friend.😢😢😢
Your comment fills me with incredible joy and hope. I am comfortable dating outside of my race. I'm just burnt out on dating apps. Where did you all meet? So happy you found love! Hopeful your example can inform many of us on what to look for.
There’s only one human race, but different ethnic group.
Glad you found your soul mate. May you both keep growing in your love and build your relationship on love and not just sex.
@user-xm5le5ok2r It's funny that you should say that in the 2 years. We've only done that about a handful of times
The connection is emotional we have a lot of emotional intimacy thank you for your kind words❤️💯
@thequestioningwhy I actually met him.
At a gas station here in florida he's only been here 3 years and the station is about 5 minutes from my home. So I would go in the store all the time. And we just got to talking started of friends Me not knowing That he was in the closet The friendship grew stronger and then I told him I was gay . A couple of months later, he opened up to me about his.
Orientation
Freakbob got me oiled up rn 😼
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reflections. I personally believe that our souls chose this for us because it creates so much more spiritual expansion and creativity, as the experience drives us so hard inward. Consciousness and its development is a big part of why we are alive, and being gay immediately makes us confront tribalism/tribal consciousness and hive-mindedness, as we don’t fit in. This is extremely painful but there is incredible freedom, and true connection to God when we can walk through our own narrow gate.
As you noted in the article, spirituality was missing in the discussion. This is the biggest issue of all from my point of view. It is the task of each human being to spiritually and morally develop themselves as they grow through their life. To cultivate your individuality, gifts, and heart for others. The highest form of love is service, and knowing that you are using your gifts and the quality of your heart to contribute is a life well-lived. Gay men are often caught in the matrix of extreme materialism and vanity, but this can be seen in many people in general these days. Many people don’t even believe they have a soul.
I liked in your song lyrics that you emphasized wholeness, because living each day as wholly as you can is what healing even is. After watching this, and reading the comments, I hope you can feel a sense of connectedness and comfort that many of us are also living in these questions and trying to think and feel deeply through our lives us gay men. Be blessed
The experience of gay men is founded first in separateness. To look physically male but have a yearning for men causes societal disassociation by those around us. With time I learned to dissociate from myself. I'd heard many say that for some people being gay is a phase and I hoped it would end very soon. I prayed, I fasted, I wept with my face on the floor asking God why, why, why? Why would he allow this? Why me?
I've learned through my recovery journey that it is me so I can reach the next gay man who feels broken and worthless and can't see happiness for himself in this life. I choose to speak up to interrupt the suicidal ideation of gay man across the globe
I appreciate your warm comment. I particularly appreciate the sentiment of "the highest form of love is service." I'm beginning to realize from everyone's comments and the response I'm experiencing from this video that not only am I not alone but I need to continue to live my truth openly in service to those who cannot and those who live burdened with shame.
I refuse the so called wisdom that suggests that gay men are useless. Gay men helped stop World War II (Alan Turing), organized the million man march (Bayard Rustin), created the blueprint for Rock and Roll (Little Richard), reformed international consciousness (James Baldwin), made hearts soar with poetry (Langston Hughes) and so so many wonderful things to help the world go round. Gay men who have stood in the center of their power honestly and openly have changed our world.
I look forward to the day where gay men can live full, joyful lives lacking nothing and envying no one.
We are worthy. We are beautiful. We are ENOUGH just the way we are.
I knew I was gay since I was a child. I didn’t know the word “Gay” until I went to elementary school, they reminded me everyday- I just couldn’t get a break.
I didn’t feel support from family members, so I got my own. It’s definitely a battle being gay. It’s like we are only used as a hole and women get the marriage. I’ve heard men want to live a “normal” life. I.E settling down with a woman.
I want to move away and start over. I am back in school for nursing so I can afford to move anywhere.
I hear your pain and I feel it within my own body. I was very much used like a human sex toy by many men across the world. Then I got older and they abandoned me for the next young thing. I became an addict and it almost killed me.
Gay men deserve to find love. I don't care what the world, religion, countries, and governments say. Gay men are worthy, beautiful, spiritual beings. Many have lost their way but some of us enter recovery and experience a rebirth that allows us to align with our purpose.
I am prayerfully hopeful that your schooling goes well and that you are freed to explore the world. A few LGBTQIA+ friendly places that I enjoy are London, UK, Atlanta, and Philly.
Best wishes.
Hey brothers I feel your pain but know that and belive in your worth and one day when you least expect it love true love will find u . I'm a Nurse also in Memphis. I found my husband Marcus because he read a post I did about finding true love and he responded and here we are 5 years later .
@@thequestioningwhy Thanks for your response! No to Atlanta! Them gays do way too much and It’s like a huge ghetto, even the suburbs are turning bad.
@@keithkennard6398 Really? That’s great! I am doing my prerequisites and start off with an ADN. I’m a CNA , I have days when I want to switch a career because I don’t know if nursing is worth the money. I’m still thinking about it.
@@thequestioningwhy Thank you for responding! No to Atlanta. It’s like a huge ghetto, even the suburbs are turning bad.
Building a community of interest centred on trauma erasure and self-care is the GOAL ... Love this VIDEO
Thank you so much. We are worthy of happiness. We, or rather, I did not choose to be gay. It simply was. As such, we are deserving of every good thing life is capable of offering.
Man, I am 20 years in. This is who I should be, but it’s lonely. I have a complete social life but no romantic life. Age changes things. 20 years ago, totally popular . Now it requires extra effort. That’s a common complaint.
I’m too scared to take my own life. So I must make my own peace. I must adjust & I will!
Hallelujah!!! Don't ever let go. It's like Color Purple where she says I may be a woman, I may be ugly, I may be black, but I AM HERE.
We may be gay, we may be black, we may be different but WE ARE HERE. We can still bring happiness into our lives with our choices. It happens for others all the time. It can happen for us too.
@@thequestioningwhyamen
As a black gay man I think the key to happiness is for gay men to love themselves and stop looking for validation in people and look for validation from God and ourselves and even if we get rejected remember rejection doesn't mean something is wrong with you rejection is God's protection and the last part gay men need to learn to Value themselves and love themselves and put themselves first in love God
Many of us have been damaged by a church that preached God and love but told us we couldn't sing at the pulpit or on the praise team anymore because we were gay and therefore weren't "walking in purity". I have found peace with myself as I've worked a 12 Step program to heal my sexuality, my mind, my heart, and let go of those elements which I cannot control.
Self love is the most important love. Whitney Houston sang about it "Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all."
This is the comment. Blessings.
Wow …. Amazing how this issue is such a problem in a society where sexuality should be a a nonissue; your generation are living in the freest time to fell comfortable being who you were born to be. I’m 65 and shocked to hear that young gay men are dealing with such disheartening issues and not having adequate coping skills in spite of how times have drastically changed . Of course I’m not naive to believe homophobia has disappeared ; there will always be haters but it seems like the enemy here is coming from within the gay community. You made such valid points and I thank you for enlightening and positive energy for gay men of all ages , race , religious or non religious affiliation. Sex is not what defines emotional homeostasis . Great work !!!
Thank you! I have learned in my recovery journey that sex is not the solution to non sexual problems. I've grown since recording this video years ago. I believe love been i men is possible and I've seen it. It's beautiful.
Sobriety has changed the lens for me.
This was the best advice I've heard regarding black gay loneliness. Everyday the focus has been men for me. I go the store, gym, etc....I'm focused on men. Gonna stop that, it is not healthy and is an obsession.
Im going to join some local gay community groups and start giving back and build community at the same time.
To all my black gay brothers stay strong and I love you!!!❤❤❤❤❤
@bcunni I am elated to read this. 🙏🏾❤️ I remember being obsessed with men. It was part of my sex addiction and I learned that it's called objectification. I would look and fantasize about men in church, at the store, while driving, in the library, in University with the fantasy always resulting in sex.
I've learned how to handle my fantasy brain in my twelve step program and am sober 17 months. It's possible. It's hard work but we don't have to do it alone.
This is beautiful, it is indeed an obsession with what we haven’t explored in ourselves as men, it needs to be a rerouted and challenged by a great self-awareness and by asking yourself what you really want… It is all the questioning isn’t it?
Thank you for being so transparent & speaking from your heart. I've had many conversations with my close friends around so much of what you have identified here. Yes our lives matter! Thank you. ❤
Thank you! You as well- stay strong. ❤
LOVE YOU TOO MY BROTHER!!!😂
I’ve remove myself from the dating apps a few years ago because I quickly realised that most of the guys were about the gratification and shaming. I direct my time to what I’ve always enjoyed and got away from- books 📚, music 🎧, cooking 🧑🍳, gardening 🧑🌾, walking 🚶♂️ and solice time to be quiet 🤫and find peace ☮️. I will always admire but it’s not a must desire to pursue. As you said in your video- I am in charge of my destiny! ❤❤❤ the quote “The mind is a world unto itself and can make of any heaven a hell and of any hell, a heaven!”
@@izodman Wow. I completely forgot that I mentioned that quote by Milton. It is so deeply true. As gay men our purpose is not to please and satisfy random men. We have our own interests. Our own desires. Our own tribulations. Our own personal legends.
In recovery I learned that family and friends are the most important things in my life after my health and well being. Because of this realization, I've been working on acquiring my grandfather's home which has been abandoned for over 15 years. In my addiction I never had the focus to do something like this. In sobriety everything suddenly becomes possible. Recovery works. It works if we work it.
Same, been off Grindr for 2 weeks now (longest time away from it since I started 6 years ago) and it's actually really liberating to not deal with all the drama and bs. I'm REALLY focusing on me now and it's great :)
@@Morning404 I love hearing this. You can do it. You can be free of Grindr one day at a time.
Unfortunately, the gay dating world is a very disturbing place. Most of the guys over there are looking only for hookups (even those who are looking for a "relationship") and treat other men objectively. The gay community has become oversexualized and gay events have become places of orgies, instead of a place of support that promotes diversity. Your video points out those problems and exposes the gay dating world, everyone, especially men and gay men should watch it.
You are a very intelligent and beautiful person, I'm so sorry that you experienced any forms of discrimination and abuse from others.
Thank you for this. You are right. The gay community kills its own people. It promotes hookup culture and calls it "sexpositive" but ignores the consequences. We are free to choose but we are not free from the consequences of our choices. That's one attribute of the community that is dark.
Pride in many cities are barely legal porn exhibitions that magnify sex and minimize the humans involved. The gay men who I've seen who've been able to sustain a long term relationship with other men are spiritual men who have a spiritual standard they are attempting to maintain.
At least I know Im not the only one dealing with this exact struggle daily
No, brother, you are not. There are many of us suffering in silence. It's time for that silence to end. We need to come together.
I grew up gay (not telling anyone until in my early 20s) in a Christian home with a born again parent who had James Dobson and Pat Robertson playing on the radio and television daily. I had such fear and shame about being attracted to my male classmates that I knew I must never let it get found out. I lived a youth of severe dissociation and was bullied by peers and teachers ruthlessly and I somehow believed I deserved it, that they must have seen how depraved a kid I must be.
I finally admitted to myself and my parent in my early 20s that I was gay. I ended up in Exodus international program (ex-gay program). I lost my self. I wasn't allowed to say I was gay, only that I was "hetero" with same sex attraction. I lost all hope and joy. I was an empty shell with incredible emotional pain stuffed down so far inside of me.
When i finally decided I had to leave the ex gay group or lose my life, I met a guy my age who also hated the gay part of himself. I fell in love. He was my closest friend I'd ever had to that point. It was wonderful to feel so expansive and hopeful finally. But he broke up because he felt he needed to "try women". I was heartbroken for years. It turns out, he spent years i furtive gay hookups and ended up terrified he'd get hiv.
I'm now in my 50s. Life has been a struggle. When evangelicals overwhelmingly threw their support behind a self described sexual assaulter and fraud (Trump), I realized how much of my life I'd surrendered to complete bigotry. I believed their "convictions" over my own experience for so long. I don't know if I will ever find a loving man in my life again. I would like it.
By the way, you are such a good looking man, so well spoken and thoughtful, I hope you meet the love of your life, you deserve it.
I am so very sorry. Your story hurts my heart and is unfortunately one I've heard before from other older gay men who now are allowed to be more of themselves now that their youthful looks are gone. I am familiar with Exodus International. I had one of its co-founders as a Facebook friend some time back. I've also been SLOWLY working myself through the Netflix documentary "Pray Away" which explores Exodus International.
I can understand not wanting to be gay since I prayed and fasted for years for God to change my orientation and make me straight. I even tried to have sex with women to see if I could be "saved" but I wasn't able to get aroused in those circumstances. Then I saw the movie "Saved!" before I started my recovery journey and that began this journey of exploration.
Your former buddy who went off to try women is a type I have seen as well. I've spoken to gay men who have gone off and tried to have relationships with women. Some have even become or realized that they were Bi and went on to marry women. This is not the case for all gay men but I've seen it happen. On the other hand, I've seen married Pastors with children who could no longer deny that they'd been going to bath houses for years to meet up with men and they are at odds between the churches teachings and the powerful urges they experience regularly.
To be human is to be in an ever evolving state of change. Black and White aren't even fully Black and White. There are at least 100 types of Black and 1,000 variations of White.
I pray with my heart that you experience the inner healing that leads to worthiness. I pray that you allow yourself to be social in settings where you feel say around other gay men. I pray you find a man that is healthy, wholesome, and healing to your heart, mind, body , and spirit.
No matter what has happened in your life you deserve to experience the joy more often than the pain.
NEVER give up.
My soul needed to find this message because you are literally spewing the content of my thoughts fully accrued for the last 20 years, how refreshing.
I pray your soul begins to heal and grow. I'm releasing a video soon on how to be black and happy in America. Please do take a look at it. It should be up in a couple hours.
Join a gym. avoid the "hook up" guys. don't even invest your time into those guys. find someone who wants YOU!
That's the thing though. Why do gay men have to have six packs, bubbling personalities, and perfect looks in order to be deemed worthy of love? Something is amiss there.
This is a dismissive comment. As someone who has done all of the above, my social life did not improve.
@@cornblaque2310 I believe there is an environmental and type factor to gay happiness. If a gay, black, man is primarily attracted to other gay black men I have observed that they are much more likely to find many suitable candidates. However, is a gay black men is primarily attracted to White, Latino, Middle Eastern, Asian, or a different ethnicity I have seen this lead to an endless search and pain especially if they identify in the bottom bunk bed.
There are certainly exceptions. It is sad but I do believe love and relationship is possible when nurtured locally from a safe and nurturing community.
@@thequestioningwhy Personally for me, it’s not black men vs everyone other man for me. I’m attracted to everyone regardless of race and it really depends on if you have a career, car OR house, and if we just have chemistry. Also, I don’t date based on race because it’s RACIST. But here I am, still single. Trying but failing in creating relationships with gay men.
This advice works.
I remember being focused, but not “fitting in” the trapping of the “lifestyle”
I joined a gym, started working out and talking all of those classes the gym offers.
I not only got in shape, I made good friendships with people I’m still friends with to this day. These friendships motivated me to be better, and led with amazing experiences, travelled the globe and found a good relationship during a period of time too.
That was in 2008.
Joining a gym with a good vibe was the best decision I ever made.
It’s not just about having a “nice body”.
Embracing your own company is a profound and transformative journey that begins with recognizing the value of your presence, it starts with a deep acceptance of yourself acknowledging both your strengths and vulnerabilities without judgment. This acceptance means knowing that you are worthy of love and respect. Not because of what you can offer to others, but simply because you exist. PLEASE, allow me to suggest that you view some of Oprah's Life Class videos. THEY ARE LIFE CHANGING ! ! !
A lot to be discussed: what is intimacy, the nature of desire (mimetism), wether it can be marketed (what is grindr but a meat market, a shopping centre where you "buy" what you know, never outside your comfort zone) - nature vs. nurture.
If joy comes from inside of us, it's by giving (an education in and of itself), sticking by long enough to learn to know each other, with or without immediate sexual gratification. There's a "beyond sex desire", much richer than "the chase". When you get beyond 50, you better start thinking what your life is, what daily joy it can bring you, cause chances are you won't be seen as an "object of desire" in the "gay collective". There's something to be said for sublimation. Don't wait til your 50.
I appreciate the fine layers of your comment. The desire beyond sex indeed takes time for many gay men in the collective. They do not realize they're getting older and they can't understand that they won't always have the looks or the energy to maintain the lifestyle they currently enjoy. You hit upon a fundamental truth that I learned in recovery. The principle is simple. It's called, "Keep Coming Back."
It means that some things cannot be understood fully or valued within a few short meetings. They must be given time to understand and have exposure to their many sided natures. I firmly believe that dating a man works that same way. Everything that there is to know about a partner cannot be learned in one sitting. There's a whole human in front of us and they are a library. No one can read all the books in a library in one day.
I believe a relationship works when people keep coming back curious about learning each other and giving that process whatever time it takes without pushing for sex.
You are extremely handsome, you needn’t wish you looked differently.
It seems to me the biggest problem in our community is everyone wants someone better looking. It just never ends.
How do we let that go?
Thank you. In recovery I learned that I am worthy exactly the way I am. In addiction I could not see my worth because I'd heard "Sorry you're not my type" for 15 years verbally and non-verbally on hookup apps like Grindr. In recovery I'm learning that attraction is so much more than looks.
You are very handsome and smart. You have a clone?
@bunjijumper5345 In 2024, there needs to be more gays offering services to life coach with an aggressive marketing approach. It is new day. It is time to tell people to focus on Character, Energy, and Values rather than the superficial when dating and courting.
Yes, "the nothing is ever enough " thing. But that's the American affliction
@@ted1091 I've seen people in Cameroon Africa with the same disease of nothing is ever enough. It's a part of the human condition.
Thank you for this wonderful video. I've been struggling with this a lot recently and it's often hard for me to realize my worth as a plus-size black gay man. I'm turning 26 soon and I'm realizing that in my earlier twenties, I almostly solely based my self worth on the attention that I would receive from men and whether or not they approved of me and my body. I'm trying to actively break free from these negative thinking patterns and I appreciate hearing the stories of others who have had similar experiences to mine 😁
You are not alone, brother. No one's opinion matters most on our worth than our own. When we change the way we see ourselves the way the world sees us changes. You are valuable, beautiful, desirable, bountiful, important, and attractive but most of are you are ENOUGH. You are enough JUST the way you are. Begin your healing journey with motivational material (Les Brown, Jim Rohn, Dr. Wayne Dyer) and a 12 Step Program if needed but never give up on yourself. You are worth it.
This is so amazing! I spent my afternoon listening to this taking a break to nap and just finished the rest. Self care warrior here ❤
@@LadderProductionFilms Beautiful to read your words. Dr Patrick Carnes states that the first relationship we lose when we live in addiction is the relationship with ourselves. I see the gay hookup culture as its own addiction that claims lives and keeps people trapped for decades.
I thoroughly enjoyed this video. Very informative talk and as a 65 year old black man I certainly agree with a lot of what you stated. You helped me in believing that at my advanced age I can still find happiness in a same sex relationship. I've evolved a lot emotionally over the years and I believe there is still a same sex relationship out there for me. I see things a lot clearer than I did when I was younger, and you've solidified that for me. Thanks.
You're welcome. There is happiness in a same sex relationship yet for us both. Explore your local community. Mind the hygiene and dress style and haircut. We deserve to live happy too.
Interesting observations! I had to learn to live myself first as a black man who desires a same gender loving relationship. I struggle with relationships with men because we have not been taught to be in relationships with each other especially black men that involve intimacy. Yet it can be expressed but not talked about. We know it is there. I agree I don't believe there is not a "gay" community. We are not part of that collective until they need our support. Anyway,be blessed!
Because mainstream society can't see us right now in our endless nuance it is up to us to create our own communities locally where gay black men can connect in a safe, life affirming manner. Meetup groups, Black life affirming organizations, meditation centers, faith groups, and community groups should be places where Black men visit and keep coming back to to build community connections.
@@thequestioningwhy Totally agree! I seek out those place especially being an intellectual which is sometimes is demonized in our community, yes I was that nerdy kid who was accused of talking "white" when I lived in a black household all my life. It can be perplexing when I know the excellency we come from in the black diaspora. A history we are discovering. Anyway, I follow and learn from intelligent people so I follow you now. It is refreshing to see yourself reflected! Stay YOU!
@@liamwhit1 Thank you so much for your comment. I am sorry that people told you that you "talk white". I was called an oreo and told the SAME thing. I am probably considered intellectual and I am nerdy as well. I've learned to embrace all that I am. As someone on a journey to be all that I am I think of Les Brown's words "We become what we once were." Don't ever stop being you. The people that are meant for you will see you being you and will run to stick close to you because they love who you are when you (we) stop trying to be something we are not. Thank you for following! I look forward to exploring more topics in future videos.
Very needed for our community. Great job brother! Blessings to you! 🌹💯❤
You are welcome!
As a Gay elder, Homosexuality is ok. Been around for centuries. Everything starts at home. Self discipline and set boundaries plus move logically. Self faith is the best faith. Applied is not required. Church is pre judgmental A collective is a community of people. Bad parenting along with childhood traumas are the basis of what's broken among gay men. Desire can be adaptive not changed. We as human beings. We evolve. Which is a change. The issues in our society are not bound by just one group of people. Humanity needs a deeper understanding of our biological effects. The church can't do that. Not deep enough. Unsubstantiated. Human beings are existential beings
Your comment is bursting with the wisdom that comes only by the passing of time. I have pinned it for continual review. "Self faith is the best faith." I could not have said it any better. It's true. As a gay black man I have to believe in myself. We have to believe that we are worthy. That we matter. That our lived experience is worth fighting for. Comparing ourselves to our white counterparts does us no good. We live in a White media obsessed world. If we look to media to find our worth we'll die trying to find it. We must nurture our worth from within. Although churches can be powerful foundations for belief and hope, we must learn to nurture faith in ourselves and, as you said, be mindful to be self disciplines, set boundaries, and move logically especially as black, gay men. I just want to mention that I believe this for all gay men but gay, black men are in such a difficult position that I feel we need to especially be mindful of your thoughtful words. Thank you.
Thanks for this. Agree with every word you said as a black gay man in his late 20s.
The dating pool in the gay community is so ratchet. I know my worth, waiting on that guy who knows it too.
It's sad that it really is. I'm learning through the public's responses though that it's possible to find a guy in real life away from technology.
Not for freakbob
Hello, really thoughtful, relatable video. One thing you said in particular - "His looks are not your happiness". It hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I've been ogling and objectifying men for decades. I'm in a happy long term relationship with the love of my life, yet I get such a rush from fantasizing about hot men. In the long run, it doesn't serve me, as I always fall short in the looks department. Such food for thought. I'm subscribing and going to watch your other videos. Thank you for what you're doing, it's so important and appreciated. Best, Johnny K.
Hello and thank you for your comment. Porn is so powerful that it keeps us in a state of perpetual sexual thirst. It's like no matter how much we care for our partner or how attractive we find them, open always tells us the lie that "there's more". The truth is that sex is not the solution. Deepening the intimacy with the partner is but that happens when the mind is freed from porn. My recovery journey has helped. I've been free from porn almost three months. Taking it one day at a time.
Felt this video so hard man. Sending love!
Thanks man. Sending love right back!
I love the way you speak and the poem was very enjoyable. You are so well spoken and I listen to you speaking while working.
Thank you for your kind words. Best wishes.
"No Asian, no blk, no fat and no Queen/feminine men period"
Yes indeed, I've heard it or seen it on profiles too many times. 😢
I'd seen that so many times on Grindr, Scruff, Craigslist, Adam4Adam, ManHunt, Gaydotcom, Adultfriendfrinder profiles that I learned to devalue myself and to believe that I was unattractive and undesirable. Therapy , recovery, and self love have been the only antidotes. Those guys do not determine our worth. We do.
@thequestioningwhy Here, here- Bravo!!
White people are generally ruthless and heartless in nature.
Many are and many are not. I've also met ruthless, ignorant black people. I'm sober and alive today because white people interrupted my suicidal ideation and helped me heal in recovery rooms. There are good people on every side. I've learned to look at the heart and the way they treat me. That says more than their skin ever could about the kind of person they are.
Finding a good black lgbtq+ community can be difficult.
Wishing you continued luck on your journey to self-acceptance
I have found it in 12 Step Recovery. That video was from a while back. Life has taken on new meaning in recovery.
@@thequestioningwhy oh!
When was it made? Congrats! 👏🏿
@@slickandslaycious6579 Under Covid Lockdown or soon after if memory serves me.
Honestly so relatable, as a black gay man (ex christian) who also grew up as a pastor's child, ive grown up with very conflicting feelings. Ultimately, im now happy with being alone sorta. I've never been in a romantic relationship and i kinda dont mind anymore. My friends (and some family) filled that need for validation and that 'feel good feeling' in the past and now ive gotten to the point where i can fill it myself. There are times when i backpedal sure but im mostly starting to get over it as ive gotten to a place where ive begun being kind to myself. Ive never really felt at home in gay spaces and my lgbt+ friends feel the same sadly. Don't know if i ever will.
Personally my advice for people who are going through the loneliness is exist in spaces that accept you and that you accept, don't even bother with spaces that will tell you consciously or subconsciously that you dont belong. Go to the places you actually like to be if you are able to. My space was the art classrooms in my university so many different types of people, visually and emotionally.
Wanting to be in a relationship and find love is fine but putting that on a pedestal can be dangerous to your mental health. You'll constantly feel lonely. Considering what you talked about, it's honestly quite sad. There doesn't feel like a real actual sense of a community because there's almost a lot of superficial ties especially when it comes to looks and presentation. The hook-ups, the labels, the boxes, the exclusivity, the racism, the fetishism and discrimination. Its ingrained and it's a huge problem.
I
There are times i would have wished to be conventionally attractive or whatever buut then i remember that may have changed me experiences and changed who i am quite a bit and i dont really need that. Who i am is good for me.
Christian foundations can be destructive to gay black men. Because most churches perpetuate white supremacy, being Black and gay and male in an institution that favors white men creates a despair that I've only seen therapy and self love over years break through.
My recovery journey has taught me to find my worth in who I am not what I look like. I used to obsess over being partnered but in my recovery my fellows and sponsor nurture me as part of community and it feels like love.
I see myself potentially having someone in my life in the future but for now I'm allowing myself to go to grad school and pursue a childhood dream as I remain curious and willing to grow.
@@thequestioningwhy that's it, you have it. Definitely right about white supremacy also fitting into the problem. The ageism and fetishisation of black men means if you don't fit in the stereotype of a big, burly black man and a large *ahem* 'member' you'll be discarded if people can't live out a fantasy through you. Even harder if you don't fix into a pre- assigned label based on your appearance.
In some church spaces though I feel like it's related to the people who perpetuate the faith sometimes being problematic people. There always comes less understanding, more ignorance in some of these spaces. Picking and choosing whatever will support their so called 'culture war' I grew up evangelist so you can imagine the self hate almost drilled into me. Also I've met quite a few progressive, open minded people in the church also so it's sorta a mixed bag.
I fully support you on your journey, it's definitely hard with so many card being stacked against you but they definitely a way for us to live, be happy and be proud of ourselves and who we are. Being gay and happy is definitely a possibility. It shouldn't be just a dream.❤️✨
Your story closely resembles mine, being that I was raised as a pastor's child and didn't have my first relationship until my 30s. After two failed relationships with men, I have come to understand that I might be same-gender loving, but I suppressed this because of my beliefs. I wish you inner peace, strength, and happiness as you continue your journey. And thank you for sharing part of your story. ❤
I remember on the gay apps they'd message me. The first words they'd say to me were "you hung?"
There are definitely those in the church who are accepting and open. In my case, the homophobes were the pastors and elders so they removed me from the youth ministry.
Even after that, the youth would still come to me for guidance and assistance and I would give it. They knew they could trust me and I guarded that trust jealously.
We are meant to live at peace with ourselves and with the God of our understanding.
Thanks for this video, literally popped up on my recommended on a rough day! Community is needed, but it’s not always found in the collective. I’m starting to learn that
Yes, Meditation changed my life too.
Speakers like Richard Rohr and Michael Beckwith are a great resource in developing your spiritual formation.
We all need something to ground in spiritually.
Thank you for this! This was awesome!
Glad to hear it - you're welcome!
Hello, The Questioning, why. I'm 65-year-old American - Mexican decent third generation. I survived the 1985 epidemic. HIV positive, I was told by my doctor that I was a miracle. Regarding being gay and lonely. My parents told me they were sad because I was going to die alone. My mate for life 10 years passed away. I'm a widower and I may not have the love I was given from my mate. I at least I know was a true lover relationship is. I have two chihuahua's Mad Max and Mike Tyson and for now at least I have unconditional love. Thank you for discussing this issue with gays being lonely. I'm not the only one 😇
Thank you for sharing your story. I would be interested in learning more about what it means to be a widow as a gay man. Are you looking for a partner? Is it difficult to find one?
When I can out in my late 20’s, my focus was men, sex, alcohol.( I know now it was a learnt behaviour) now reaching retirement I’m finally just being me! I’m single and ok with life on my own, now if I meet someone, I will welcome him, until then I’m enjoying life😎. I’ve traveled internationally on my own several times and it’s quite nice.
I hear you. Are you happy with things as they currently exist for you?
@@thequestioningwhy absolutely 👍🏿, I have peace, I enjoy the small group of running mates by running and socialising together. Now that my focus is not trying to find a man, I can just enjoy now and just be.
It was difficult to follow your discussion, but I assume the gist of your discussion was the struggle of being lonely as a gay blk man!
Interestingly enough, I struggle with loneliness in Palmdale, CA! I thought I took the right steps to meet possible potential dates but failed on so many levels!
I never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship! At age 46, I find it highly unlikely that I would find love, especially here in Palmdale!
The expectations brothas have is too complicated and unreachable that a person like me could never meet such unreality expectations set by fantasy, hip hop industry, and Hollywood standards!
Either I am too dark for some, boring (dont drink or smoke weed) boring for others; not willing to sleep around, individuals dont know what they want or who they want to be, or I just don't meet that attractiveness thurish hole!
Loneliness has been my boogeyman who repeatedly hunts me despite using diversion techniques to distract my mind!
What makes matters worse is when you have no one to vent to or to get some guidance on how a person like myself can navigate through a superficial-digital-society to find a diamond in the ruff!
So, I say all of this to say, I can relate to your discussion!
I am beyond sorry that you can also understand my experience and are living a unique similar experience. Someone else mentioned starting a forum for gay black men to have these conversations. I think it is a good idea.
@@thequestioningwhy I think this would be a great idea!
@thequestioningwhy Yes, it might be a good idea to have a form to share thoughts and feelings 🤔 , and ideas!
Does anyone have experience starting up forums? I'd be open to this.
You have a great voice
Thank you!
Simply awesome!
I’m sorry but you have an ultra pessimistic view on gay relationships and it actually saddens my heart. Your friend that said a man cannot ground another man’s sexual spirit / desire is wrong. As a man it is no one’s purpose to ground my spirit. That is my responsibility, and you should hope that you find a person that also knows how to ground their own spirit. From my perspective your friend is misunderstanding the duality of feminine and masculine energy, in a healthy relationship you should expect to see these two energies residing in each other gay / bi or straight. There are men that can express compassion just as well as women or even better, it is rare? Not as rare as you’d think. The reason why it is presumed difficult to find these men is because as gay men we are extremely picky and superficial, there are plenty of men that we overlook because they do not meet a specific surface level criteria . Gay culture marks sexual preference as the determining factor of a relationship. A relationship that is solely based on fulfilling a sexual desire is doomed to fail this is true for all sexualities.
There is hope for us all we just need to put our egos aside and start being realistic. What we want isn’t always what we need.
My experience is certainly limited and not all encompassing. I appreciate your thought about the superficiality of decision making when it comes to gay relationships. When I was active in hookup culture and was drowning in porn I very much let my desires guide my decision making. In recovery I'm learning to give things time. In therapy I've learned that I cannot change my attractions but I can certainly build sober friendships with people I feel safe with. Life is imperfect even in the best of conditions. My hope for myself is to be at peace and attract someone who accepts that monogamous relationships that last are formed by two imperfect people loving each other imperfectly.
OMG, ABSOLUTELY AWESOME AND 👍 RIGHT ON POINT!!! If you start a CZcams Channel, I would gladly subscribe to it!!!; THANK YOU!😅
We appreciate you for this video 😘
Thank you. I appreciate you all as well.
You have Black gay men who are in their 30s, 40s, and 50s still talking about Fem/Mascl and DownLow. We have to do better. As Black gay men, we have to be open-minded and learn to love our own.
@@MV919Living Amen. Labeling ourselves limits our exploration. We don’t know who we fully are until we try. Try everything hold fast to that which is good.
I think it's dangerous to give credit to ideas that suggest same sex relationships are inherently unbalanced because "men are from mars and women are from venus". Those ideas support anti-LGBTQ attitudes that view us as unnatural or degenerate. Even for an affirming LGBTQ+ person, those ideas (that you need another half, that you're incomplete) spell out to ourselves that we are not whole already - we aren't enough. I really appreciate when we gay men can hold our desire for a partner without disparaging our own humanity and wholeness and complexity.
I certainly wish to believe that men can form healthy, balanced, loving relationships with each other. To a certain degree, I do believe this. My experience has shown me that such relationships do not come from hookup apps neither hookup websites. We are not degenerates. We are human. Because of society's Abrahamic faith leaning tendencies, we are taught that we are defective because we are gay. We don't date while other boys our age are dating. We didn't go to prom with the person we really wanted to go to prom with. When we went to a high school dance we got very physical with women to give the illusion that we were something other than what we were. We may have tried to alter our sexuality by having sex with women. In the end, we find out that none of that is a reflection of what we are inside.
We are whole but we must accept that we are. I believe in the power of the love between two men. I've seen it and it is like watching the ocean ripple and regress. It arrests me when I see it. I know it's possible. It does take time, though.
Thank you Sir for giving us voice. Putting words and perspective to describe a reality we feel or have felt. ostracized and never at the center of belonging.
🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️
You're welcome good sir. I think of Andre DeShield's Tony award winning speech. The first point he made is one that is becoming part of my mantras. He said surround yourself with people whose eyes light up when you walk into the room. For we who have begged to be loved and served at people's tables we need to build our own and nurture self love. Be blessed.
Thank you for sharing your views on finding happiness, Great job!
My goldendoodle helps me a lot - especially on those weekends I dread so much. Socializing is a huge challenge for mature gay men...or single people in general. Exercising and work helps me too. Enjoy each day.
I can relate to that. I am never bored and like to be alone, however sometimes loneliness sets in and I wish I could socialize better ...
Like anything socializing can be learned. It's a muscle. It needs stretches and practice. I learned how to socialize better in my 12 step recovery. Progress not perfection.
To the host: you have very good commentary, insight, and pre-forethought. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure you are reaching a lot of people. Keep doing the good work you're doing.
I just miss the connection with someone .... 😔
Just want in return what I give.... why's that so hard?
I miss it too. However, until we've nurtured our own self worth can we truly know how to love someone else or receive love when it comes? In my addiction I self sabotages potentially great relationships. My trauma was stronger than the love I had for myself. It's been a journey of therapy, 12 Step program, and open and affirming church but I finally feel worthy. I feel like I am enough.
Having a strong relationship with God,and a healthy since of community always help.
You are a very handsome and highly intelligent gay man. Thanks for being there.
Thank you. 🙏🏾
I’m an introverted shy gay man who is not conventionally attractive. So there are already multiple battles to attaining a LTR. I decided a long time ago that maybe I will “die alone” in the romantic sense. But what can I bank on? I can bank on my siblings who I have a great relationship with. I can bank on my nephew who I love. I can bank on my friends who are like siblings. I can bank on my career which is actually rewarding because I get to help people during the most traumatic moments of their lives. All of this is worth living for. All of this makes my life fulfilling despite not having a S.O.
@@jnyerere Attraction is a strange thing though. It's not just looks. It's the energy signature we carry. How do you connect with potential boyfriends? Are you seeing a therapist about why you think you're not "conventionally attractive." You have more going for you than you know but sticking around hookup culture will leave us all feeling ugly, fat, and worthless. You are beautiful exactly the way you are.
Thought-provoking lyrics. Reminiscent of Langston Hughes. Bravo! 👏🏽
Wow! Thank you for this! ❤ 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
You're welcome!
Very inspiring and thought provoking. Thanks for sharing 👍
Thank you for a most compelling, and encouraging work. This obviously required a significant level of vulnerability, and transparency, You should know that you're NOT ALONE. As a man of color, I recognize that our challenge is unique amongst our peers in the LGBT+ community. I encourage you to consider a more in depth forum with other likeminded individuals of color, who share a similar experience, but from a different perspective. There's MORE to be said.
I would love to be part of such a forum. I agree there is much more to be said and processed. There is a local clinic for gay men or color. They're always putting on drag shows and handing out condoms which I resent. That might be a good place to start.
Here, here!
@@thequestioningwhylet’s create a forum, I’m here to help. Incidentally, tell your followers how we can SUPPORT you? You’ve created a platform, let us know what’s required to support and sustain this platform.
Thank you. I only know that I want to spread this message around the world so gay black men and gay men stop killing themselves at the rate that currently exists. One of my subscribers is interviewing me next week. If someone is willing I'd be happy to moderate a meeting to discuss the creation of a forum for gay black men and gay men that discusses these topics from a sober, life affirming perspective. What are your thoughts?
I’ve been on grindr ‘n jacked for several yrs and I’m a songwriter myself ‘n I will never allow a person, a church or a race of people define who I’am
Amen. In Jessye Norman's autobiography one of her voice teachers told her that no one would ever take care of her voice the way she could. I say the same thing to my fellows in recovery. I tell them, "No one will ever love you more than you love yourself." Once we establish a sense of our self worth things begin to change.
Elton John was 41 years old and married a woman in 1984, so he struggled with coming out
Sadly true. We must have a way to live open and free. We must create those circumstances for ourselves when the places we live can't afford such spaces for us.
Wow,this was powerful 👏
You're welcome. Thank you for listening.
Avoid isolating yourself. Always put yourself out. It is your choice to come. That is still part of your free will. You never have to answer direct questions.
I've learned in recovery that I deserve to live a full, happy, beautiful life openly as a gay man. We all get to live happy. The circumstances will never be ideal but there are places that nurture my truth and my love. Those are the places I choose to make my home.
Terrific video! I dont know how this showed up in my feed but its devine intervention. I'm Masters Clinical Mental Health Counseling program, and I'm doing some research on this very topic. If it suits you, i would like to connect with you to further my research. I loved your song lyrics also. Very clever and real!
Thank you! Yes, I would welcome the opportunity to discuss this subject further and help spread healing. I can be reached at hholifemoments@gmail.com
@thequestioningwhy I emailed you. Check your email to find out if it delivered. Thank you.
this is my take. As gay men, we do not have role models that we can emulate to transform our trauma's into success. Unfortunately, we live in a world where the ignorant are the boldest and have the loudest voice (same applies to our community). All the world system does is promote reckless living, wild parties and drugs as the norm in our community and we see so many people navigate towards that lifestyle ( think of the how the world promote artitifical bodies as the standard of beauty in women and the notion that forgivenss as a tool in relationship is in itself, an error.
Also, lets not forget that discipline among men ( be it gay or hetero) is gold. The reason why gays seem the most promiscious is because its a world of men. Hetero men are no different. The only glitch is that women are wired to want to be chaced, thus, giving hetero men some challenge.
When I sat to think about gay role models all I could think of was Little Richard, RuPaul, Andersoon Cooper, and Don Lemon. It took years to learn about James Baldwin, Bayard Rustin, Josephine Baker, Langston Hughes. I can't tell you what it would have meant to me to learn as a boy that gay, male, black poet's exist and took over the literary world for years the way Langston Hughes did or the way James Baldwin still does.
The same erasure that we experience in curriculum that ignores Black invention and accomplishment and uplifts White invention and accomplishment in its stead has been applied to gay people in general. Gay white men like Alan Turing who helped end World War II are an example of the deep seeded fear and homophobia that the world is capable of.
As gay men, especially as gay black men, we need to create and abide in safe spaces that fill and empower us. We need to take the journey within to find our own peace with ourselves first before we can try and find a partner. Both hetero and gay men are promiscuous as you said. In the long run, the hetero "normal" allows them to settle into a relationship with a woman and have a family whereas in the gay community many have bounced around from one fling to another until they are older and unwanted and are left to figure life out. I could babble on and on but I hear you and there's definitely an opportunity for growth here.
@thequestioningwhy totally.
The antidote is discipline. Yes, you'll feel like an odd ball. Yes, you will feel like you're not having "all the fun." But it's going to be worth it eventually.
The other problem people have is that they desire one thing and make a habit of the exact opposite. For example, someone might want a partner and desire to be in a loving monogamous relationship, but still loves been promiscuous. You cannot want a 10 while you're thriving in the vibration of a 2. Even if you find someone who loves you to the moon and back, you will feel fraustrated because you would feel caged and any little argument will be a reason to go back to the "streets".
For me, I consciously look for videos and documentaries that mirror what my heart seeks. A loving, devoted, and monogamously committed long-term relationship. Any other thing that doesn't align with my energy is a 'No"
The answer, for me, has also shown up in self care. I had to learn to love myself so that when the counterfeit showed up through sex addiction I had enough in me to advocate for my own good and say no. Recovery has saved me life. My 12 Step program has saved me.
@@thequestioningwhy I am glad you were able to pull yourself into the light . Not everyone does that
@@johnchukwu2697 I was not able to do it by myself. I have many who interceded. I rebranded this channel to hopefully help as many gay black men and gay men as possible choose life.
Hope your life gets better bro, I feel like this video will get views
Thanks bro. Things are much better now in recovery. Much more peace in my heart. I hope every gay man that needs hope sees this
Wassup Beautiful, I wouldn't go to any type of club or lounges to meet professional individuals--I stay out those types of toxic environments.
Definitely hear you on that. I tried it a couple days ago and was a hard no. Where do you meet professionals?
I usually meet people in my level at meetup groups, museums, network events etc You have to go to places where you share common interest....I never go to clubs
@@melvonjohnson5711 This makes sense. I can't stand clubs. I'll have to try some of those places you mentioned. Thank you 🙏🏾
Yeah, bro Your beautiful, I'm sure niggas would have no problem getting man
Thanks for sharing. You're a very handsome man.
I appreciate you for taking the time for creating and providing critical thought on this topic. New subscriber here! Look forward to more of your videos.
Awesome, thank you!
Thank you for your wisdom! ✨ You have really inspired some necessary introspection. 🙌🏾✨
You are very welcome🙏🏾
Maybe this video was meant for me to see today and it's my birthday, July 22nd.🎂 I turned 58 today and look much younger, not to brag, but I do. Slim fit, athletic build, light brown skin, mother was light skinned and my brother is too so of course like many black Americans, have that mix ancestry. But I've known I was gay since a little boy. But was scared as heck to let it be known as it is in the gay community. I'm a natural loner and more introverted than extroverted. But the quietness may have come from me not wanting to inadvertently show my, "gay" side and keep it hidden? Or maybe I was told to "shut up" too many times as a child. I was asked at my last job some years ago by three different women, all black women at different times, one being east Indian, "Are you gay?" I said, "No." Still ashamed even in my 30s what people would think of me as a gay male. I did the hook up thing but not until I was 30 years old, late bloomer, but before that and before all this newer websites now days, grinder, etc., I did the phone sex, then ventured into online sex hook ups. But well into my late 30's and getting into 40s I wanted something more, relationships even. I did the Match.com, Yahoo.com dating site and tried a few others all the while, still hooking up. After those long expanse of hooking up for at least 13, 14 years or so, starting getting depressed after the hook ups. You know when you hooked up with a really cute guy and you know he'll never meet with you again. Well, 2014 was my las hook up with a middle age while guy, shorter than me, professor looking type, but sex was good though, so can't always judge a book by its cover. Since then I haven't hooked up, kiss, touch, nothing with another guy. I live in a house I grew up in with my mother and older brother (2 yrs older than me) and had it gutted/remolded 2016/2017 here in Washington, DC and I'm very close to downtown. I'm basically between, Howard University, Catholic University to the north and U.S. Capitol, the Nations Mall to the south. Beautiful home and I am so blessed to have it. But thinking, can I live with someone at this point in my life? I'm so used to be living alone; no one to aggravate me, no negativity, no arguments, no one getting on my nerves, etc. But that's part of being in a relationship isn't it? But I have such peace and quiet and I do thank the universe for this environment that many wished they could be in right now. But I do get lonely. I've really fallen out of favor of black guys because of past experiences with them manly talking on phone and one or two meeting out. But too much attitude some rude, too silly for my liking. But have to say I do have a liking for Hispanic guys, but also some Asian men especially Japanese men and I'm find my self attracted to Indian guys. If a really nice, good looking black guy comes about, then let it happen. I think this is my reason why I'm still alone, but I'm really into looks. He has to be at least cute or handsome for me to want to get to know. Know, I have a term called the "Ugly duckling" syndrome, where a guy is sort of cute, but not overly ugly either, like that in between that I've seen at work or here and there, and for some reason, I feel I could be with that guy. Strange.🤨 At this point, I'm "let go let God", kind of place. BTW, at a part time job I work at now, a guy black guy, handsome guy, but yes you can tell he's on the queer side, asked me if I was gay because we were talking about something I think in regards to gay, etc. I said, yes. First guy who've every asked me. I'm sure people may have wondered, but wasn't sure regarding my sexuality, and I know a lot of people didn't know or don't know. I'll see where my life takes me. Hopefully to a much happier and probably, relationship fulfilled life. 🙏🏼
My heart weeps. You know the experience as well as I do. The hooking up with a guy you find so attractive knowing you'll never talk to him again because he'll never want you again. I wrote a song about this phenomena called "Condoms Don't Protect Against a Broken Heart". I never released it because I felt it was too raw and that it might not be well received. I should have it completed and release it anyway.
I hear you concerning finding certain types of people attractive. At this point in my life I firmly believe that porn programs our minds to find certain types of people attractive over others. I think childhood crushes have a HUGE part to play in who we ultimately find desirable in a potential partner. My childhood crush was Eminem. When I got older and read Harry Potter it became Rupert Grint. I've spoken to my therapist about this and lamented that I found White men so attractive. She said that the issue isn't who you find attractive, it's how you feel when you're around them and how do they treat you.
At this particular place in my life I've had sex with every color of man under the heavens. There is nothing physically different about men that makes one more desirable over the other. For me, the energy a man carries himself with and how he treats me is what ultimately can overcome me. That said, my recovery journey has taught me that sex is not the solution to non-sexual problems. Meaning that if I have trauma, pain, if I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (HALT) the solution isn't to go cruising and have sex with strangers which was how I used to try to heal my trauma. It is not possible to fuck the pain away. I have tried for 22 years. It does not work.
Meditation, my healing journey in therapy, my recovery, my rediscovery of faith are all working with and through me to heal and now I'm approaching connection with men in a way that is trial and error but sober. I am proud of you for telling that gay man at your job that you are gay. I find that when we are honest and live a life honest from the inside out that is when we achieve the alignment with the universe that allows the blessings we desire to flow in our direction.
I challenge you to be curious. There are cons to relationships there are also positives. There are no perfect solutions. Embrace it all. Test all of it. Hold fast to that which is good. Rooting for you.
PS: My aunt was single for over 25 years. She got married last year at age 65. It's never too late.
You are loved it’s never too late. I feel the same way thank you for writing your letter.
@@thequestioningwhy Thank you, and yes, what we learn and adopt as children affects who and how we are as adults. I believe that. But, there is a guy, slim cute really nice personality, I know he "likes" me, but I think he maybe on the "low" sort to speak. Maybe that's my incorrect thinking, maybe I should, not aggressively, seek what he's all about. He says he is Salvadorian, but he's one of those guys where I'm like, "Hmmm, I don't know if I'm feeling him like that. I need to stop using that as an excuse to not seek further; fear of disappointment, rejection? Just pursue and see what happens. I need to stop that. A lot of people married, or have loving relationships with other people whom they didn't have a crushing love connection, but then found out that person is really for them, for example. God bless you and your sincerity.
Hey Walter Lee Ham I used to follow you like in 2010 you helped so much I was finally coming out of the closet dealing with reality and you were there you really shed the truth and you're a good guy you're still doing it Thank you You're a true patriot Walter take care stay healthy and keep doing what you're doing You're a treasure a national treasure. 🏳️🌈🙏😇💙 And tell everyone in Atlanta vote blue no matter who but it's going to be Kamala It's going to be great Vote for Democrats and get rid of this fascist send them a message Democrats independent Republicans everybody vote blue. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
Gay, Lonely and Black sounds like a great title for a song.
Definitely adapted from the great Nina Simone.
I have been wondering if my African God hasn’t migrated with me (joking), I guess they eventually gave him a Visa. I felt like God was speaking to me through you. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and listing the solutions clearly to cope with being (gay + African = a whole bunch of trouble). What makes this unique for me is that I can easily relate to most of your experience and yet you have so much courage to be simply who you are. Kudos to your courage!! As to the gay apps, I couldn’t agree more, I had a terrible experience. They not only corrupt your soul, but also degrade your worth as a human being, I will take loneliness anytime than feeling cheap and worthless. Let us keep finding a purpose and live a healthy life. I will definitely try meditation. Thank you again brother!!
Thank you, brother for your response. We are worthy. African and gay and blessed. I'm thankful for people like Shakiro who were able to escape with their life. We have to find ways to make life meaningful. We are not meant to live "cursed" or sad for a lifetime. We deserve to be happy too.
You hit it right on the spot, thank you for bringing it.
Thank you!
It’s such a superficial lifestyle. I’m a masc retired professional classy brotha from L.A. now living in Atl subs and can’t seem to meet anybody of value. It’s sad for the desire to be involved and lonely at times. I’m still hopeful tho
Don't ever lose hope brother. Classy bros exist. However, I find they hang out in different places. Meetup dot com, Libraries, Cafes, Open Mics, Karaoke Nights, Bowling Alleys. D&D groups. Never tire in exploring the things that raise your happiness.
BabyBoy you have to know yourself and love yourself no matter what; been there done that, agree with some things you say but not all you are saying, be yourself and not allow others to define you but what GOD made you to be, precious and a gift to HIM and others, my story would be to long but I don’t dwell on what ppl think of me or my past and believe me I’m happy in my faith in Christ regardless what I may feel or think, not perfect but daily growing, we need to love ppl regardless like God loves us, if we teach that and not hate and judgement and distorting the lives of ppl with casting stones but search ourselves and what purpose does God have for us which first is salvation then let everything else fall in place, believe me I’ve been where you are and believe me I’ve survived but not because of me but because of my faith in GOD, and I found it okay even at times when I don’t understand, but my life is blessed and good even in my church for 30 plus years.
I feel like being gay and happiness can coexist. In regards between two men it can work when men can drop those egos. The work has to start on the inside and not listening to social media people. I believe no one is destined to be alone.
I firmly agree that it takes two men willing to put egos aside and value the relationship more than one's own need to be right. No one deserves to be alone in this life if they don't want to be.
Saying to "love yourself" by people in the comments is such a gaslighting move
Our culture should be more uplifting and positive but it just isn’t!!! I love the people but hate the culture! There’s so much healing, negativity, and homophobia we’ve absorbed and put on display!!!
Hey, I’m alone but definitely not lonely 🎉
Hugs from far away Japan ❤
Are you happy?
@@thequestioningwhy yes indeed, giving up that stupid search for the “second half “ changed my life amazingly. If I was to meet someone, I don’t think I’ll put as much pressure on a new relationship as I did before
@@Frenchmisto I'm happy for you. That search for the other half consumed more than half of my life. I've let it go. I am not happy but I am sober and right not that is what matters most to me.
@@thequestioningwhySober is fantastic!😉🙏🏽❤
Thank you ! 🙏🏾 @@Dimi374
I know many Gay male couples who have been deeply in. Love for 40+ years. And they're monogamous. If you're not a sexually monogamous person, that's also perfectly fine as long as both of you are on the same page. You need to constantly examine that aspect of yourself and of your relationship , but sexual nonmonogamy can also work. But there are plenty of monogamous Gay male couples out there. Just don't compromise on that issue if that's what you want. You can be any kind of Gay man you want to be. You don't have to buy into the rainbow flag and speedo culture. Just be you. Be out. Be in the world. Stand up for justice and for other oppressed people, and most importantly, if you're not happy with the state of Gay culture, envision something else, and make that happen.
I agree. There are couples that have made both nonmonogamy and monogamy work. I don't wish to exclude their existence. I can only speak from my experience and say I know very few of them particularly from my background in gay hookup culture.
@@thequestioningwhy understood. But that's a sel-selected sample. You're not going to find monogamous Gay men there. The good news is that you can drop out of hookup culture anytime you want. The first step in becoming who you want to become is leaving behind behaviors and institutions that aren't serving you.
@@ted1091 Addiction isn't simply broken or let go. Rehab exists for a reason. Withdrawal can and has killed people. Freedom from addiction occurs one day at a time.
At the age of 48… I completely agree with you.
I am sorry that you can see my point. It's not right but I firmly believe we can make it great.
@@thequestioningwhy absolutely, a little spiritual enlightenment is needed for everyone. After being in several long term relationships - the lies and infidelities… I had to seek help way bigger than my closed minded friends. I got to know myself and appreciated the art of meditation and yoga and even travel solo.
As your journey in yoga and meditation continue you'll have the option again to have companionship. The journey within is the longest journey a human can take. It is the way I've seen healing work and it allows us to align with our universal calling.
As an elder bisexual, it took me years to realize that finding an internal happiness has to be the starting point before you look for someone to enhance this happiness. 😊
Amen. I've learned that within my recovery journey and am now learning to listen to my body and take appropriate, sober action.
@@thequestioningwhyAnd thank you for sharing your story. Topics and discussions like this can really help others.❤
Become more spiritual, but not apart of organized "religion." I say that because eventually, organized religious groups will become, or continue to block you from YOU. Connect to the Source Creator. Strive to do what's right & do the work for healing. Learn more of who you are, if you have a do it alone! Most likely to learn and heal yourself, you're going to need time alone to do so, and don't rush. Work on elevating from lust, so you can be open for love & find the person who will actually love you for YOU, and you love them for them ❤️🙏🏾
Thank you. I've been on a healing journey since 2022. I'm sober 18 months as of today and single the entire time. I'm allowing my recovery journey to heal my mind, my heart, my body, and my sexuality. This video is actually from 2020/2021 before I began my recovery journey. I've grown since. I know that sexual obsession is not the answer
Powerful, powerful message ❤ thank you
Greetings from the caribbean. brother, I just loved this video. it was a breakthrough for me. gay. Latino, in the Caribbean. I know exactly what you are talking about. love.
@@elvist2810 Bless you hermano. There’s hope for us in that we are still here. We are not lost causes.
@@thequestioningwhy how can I private mss you?
@@elvist2810 hholifemoments@gmail.com
This is good, i am Not sure why this was reccomended to me. I am straight, still great video. I have liked. Have a good day and i hope you feel better. 😊
I appreciate you watching. Thank you.
Well....church and organized religion is what fueled my mother's (and my own!) horrific homophobia, although my own homophobia was deeply internalized; hers was deeply rooted in that Nazi-Catholic rhetoric and that church/"Christian"dogma, and it caused MOST of my emotional pain, especially when I was in my 20's, SO....no thanks regarding church, I've been burned enough by that part of society already. I understand the SENSE of community and support that perhaps YOU might find there, but that was always elusive for me, so....I walked away, and I've lived my best life ever since. I was always FAR more SPIRITUAL than religious anyway, so I find my solace there, in spiritual things, like meditation, "New Age," etc., and I've finally come to terms with being comfortable in my own skin. It was a brutal climb that at times left me battered, deafened and sightless, but I somehow found the emotional strength to continue on. Now, at middle age, I no longer NEED a partner; indeed, I am quite happy and content to be alone, with my 80 lb., big baby Pit Bull. I cherish my alone time with my pup, out in nature, walking and thinking about, well, everything.
I have probably dated men from just about every walk of life and every race, creed and color, and you said something about the rejection you've experienced on apps like Grindr; yeah, buddy...me too! I was born blond haired and blue eyed, thanks to my mother's Irish/Scandinavian DNA pool, but around age 12 or 13, about a year into puberty, my eyebrows, face and body hair was all of a sudden DARK, seemingly overnight, thanks to my dad's Italian/Native American heritage pushing through, so yeah....I've been passed over MANY times myself for the blond-haired twinky boys....or, they say I'm not their "type," or I'm not the right race, and perhaps most insidiously, I'm "too old." I've NEVER had any restrictions for a prospective partner regarding age, race, religion, etc., but I've learned in recent years just how superficial, fickle, and downright narcissistic many younger gay men are; it's mind-boggling. Ageism among gay men seems to be at an all-time high!
About 3 years ago I met a guy, on Grindr, and although he was younger than me (I wasn't looking for younger, that's just how it was) and we had much in common; we had both worked a RNs, our parents had been Nazi-Catholic haters, and the age thing wasn't really anything I thought much about. So, we hooked up many, MANY times over about an 18 month period, and one day we had plans to go do something together, and of course, sex was always on the menu, lol....but he canceled at the last minute; ditto for the next two times we had made plans, so I asked him what was up, and after he made up several flimsy excuses for all of the cancelations that just didn't pass the sniff test, he said, "Well, you're too old for me"....REALLY?! It took you THIS LONG, 18 months, to come to this realization?! Although I'm 52 and I'm frequently assumed to be in my early 30's, I am height/weight proportionate, and I act, think, and live as though I'm much younger than other guys my age, probably due to my more open, liberal views. I also have no ED or any of the other common age-related issues than many guys my age face, so I was at a loss as to what was so bad about my age, and actually, I thought the sex was incredible because again, we shared many of the same preferences and it all meshed well....or so I had thought.
Anyway, I told him that what comes to one must come to us ALL, no one is immune, and that life has a way of delivering karma right back on you; what you put out there, you're going to receive....law of attraction....and I finished with saying, "That which is like, into itself is drawn," and I walked away. Yes, I was hurt, but really only a little, and certainly not like I would've been even 10 years ago. Indeed, I have grown.
Well. Guess who came back and tried to just pick up where we left off?! Although I rarely ever do this because I'm usually all for talking things through, I immediately blocked him. A few days later, he messaged me on FB; I promptly blocked him there, too. I will NEVER allow someone to use and abuse me like I did when I was 25; I've learned all about something called BOUNDARIES....
along with gaining some much-needed self-esteem....and being ASSERTIVE. Not aggressive or contentious or defensive, mind you, just....
assertiveness; no longer feeling as though I somehow deserve being used as a doormat. At any rate, the older I get, the more puzzled I am over things like race relations and ageism within the gay collective of modern society. Trump has been responsible for a good bit of it, absolutely; the haters and self-righteous holy rollers and racists all feel empowered--for NOW. This will change for the better in the next few years, but this faction has ALWAYS been present within gay culture, and it has no more business there than it does within general society at large.
That's my two cents. For what it's worth.😊
Being gay in our world is being ostracized not necessarily unkindly but societally. Everywhere we look we see male and female couples. Families with children. Depending on where we live we may not be safe expressing our natural affections. The hiding component of gay sexuality is the first trauma that gay men experience. It's the ideal that there is something so wrong with you or me that we can only experience it when partnered with shame and guilt in hiding.
The second component of gay sexuality is fear. Fear that God and/or society will deem us unworthy and proceed to treat us in ways that are cruel and unkind which can even lead, as in the case of Matthew Shephard, to being set up and killed.
The third component of gay sexuality is addiction. Whether the addiction is porn, poppers, drugs, weed, men, sex, chemsex, intimacy avoidance, exchanging nudes, food, gambling, or other, there tend to be deeply engrained addictive self soothing techniques which we embody as gay men to try and numb the feelings of the first two components of gay sexuality.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Addicted gay men who watch porn and live on Grindr are accustomed to using and disposing of other men. The great mystery to me is that the cruelty and unkindness that gay men fear from the world is practiced primarily by other gay men.
Spiritual abuse is real and I can't defend any church when it comes to the damage they've caused to gay men.
For me, I know that I need community. I need my recovery family. I need my best friends. I need my atomic family. All of these are helping me heal from my addiction and live sober. There's always someone in the world for each of us meant specifically for us. My recovery journey is teaching me that I have a phone addiction which encourages me to make human connections through screens.
True relationship building, for me, happens in person at the cafe, at the bar, at a Meetup event, at social events, at church events, etc. FYI. The church I NOW go to is an open and affirming LGBTQIA+ founded and supporting church. I refuse to spend time in any church that can't accept all of me.
I'm glad to hear you've found happiness with your 80lb fur baby. I am sober and I'm learning to find happiness each day, One day at a time.
I'm so freaking proud of u 💛 bro truly
Beautiful recitation!
@@shannonswift2233 thank you! 🙏🏾
The Headline got my attention. I agree with most of your opinions
AS BLACK GAY MEN WE ARE A COURAGEOUS TYPE OF MAGICAL MEN. WE WERE BORN UNDER A BLUE STAR. What I mean by that is because we have certain mystical properties given to us by God and the nature 😇 Angels, we have to sometimes not settle for mediocrity, so therefore some of us(NOT ALL) have to tred this path alone. But it's okay. You are NOT ALONE. Thank you. Your presentation was absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!! I JUST SUBSCRIBED TO YOUR CHANNEL!!!!
I would like a family of my own. No children, just a man. If gay men were allowed to be out and speak freely about being gay we could tell boys and young men that their first time should be special and that there is a difference between a boyfriend and a sex buddy. If I knew I was being used for my man part, I would not have spent so much time wanting men who never wanted me for real. When a man never asks you when your birthday is, when you have always sent happy birthday messages to him, just know he don't want you. If he never calls or messages you just to chat, he doesn't want you.
Your comment made me get up off my bed and onto my laptop so I could give a proper response. For we gay black men who live in countries where we're allowed to be out and gay I encourage us to be free and vocal. Join LGBTQIA+ groups, faith places, bind yourselves to the cause.
This is very important. I started becoming open and vocal after the suicide of Nigel Shelby, a 14 year old Black young teen who was gay. He was being bullied and he couldn't take it anymore and ended it all. I thought about him for years about how his life could have been saved (him and many others) if they'd had a positive gay, black, make role model to look up to out in the world who showed that we can be excellent, wealthy, happy, fruitful, accomplished, thoughtful - anything we choose to be and do it with excellence.
To your second point, if he doesn't know your favorite color, your birthday, your favorite food, and your favorite music before you all start unbuckling each other's jeans to have sex it won't last. The Canadian Dating Coach says (to woman) no kissing within the first 3 months as you get to know someone. Although this is unpopular I agree. Delaying gratification extends the lifespan of the relationship.
Let's be there for each other and encourage gay, black men, We are worth it.
@@thequestioningwhy You're so right.
As a gay black male you truly have to love yourself. Colorism is prevalent in the black community. Other races see you as simply a black person. Many see you as being below standard. Rarely do you find anyone just being outgoing with good core values. Being black and gay can be extremely challenging. Other races generally view you as weeds.
What I'm finding in my recovery journey is that how one views themselves is more important than how the world views them. If I see myself as disposable I'll call forth people into my life who treat me as disposable. This happens unconsciously but it's a quiet choice I make. If I but myself as worthy I treat myself well and subconsciously call people into my life who do the same. No one can control the world around. We can, however, control the world within by the choices we make.
Extremely thoughtful video, thank you:)
At 60 this October I have only had 1 "long term relationship", however I know it was more about "being attracted to someone who I thought I could fix" and we'd have a real long-term relationship. In the end 30 plus years and lots of money it did not pass. As I age, I find myself thinking about a real relationship but think more and more it will not be. Having been on a Pride Committee in Seattle I learned fast about PBC's (Pretty Boy Club), gym rat pretty boys. Gays that were younger than the 30 mark and clearly fit what you have described. There were some older members as well but were at a point of being alone. In Tacoma was not as bad but still existed or in both cliches that exist within the collective as you stated. I've found the few journeys into the gay collective community; it is like being a ghost. I don't look like 'them', I will be 60, white, a little larger build and 'labeled a bear'. Even younger it was like you are not there-if you do not look like them. I've always looked outside my race to try and make a connection over the time. YOU did hit on a GREAT point, our sexuality/attraction is only a part of whom we are. It does not define us. Very informative and interesting. THANK YOU!
Thank you for this comment. It's true. The Pretty Boys Club exists everywhere. They hang out together, do drugs together, have sex together, build relationships with each other and those who aren't over 6 feet with a 6 pack making 6 figures white and hung are disposed of. As you adequately stated, we walk around as ghosts in the midst of people why are programmed by porn not to see.
I have dated outside of my race as well. I had much better energy in dating in London, UK. Still hopeful in can happen in America but not constricting the possibilities.
You are handsome.
Gay guys used to live close to each other and be a community. Now, not so much. Competition, rejection game, never satisfied with anyone for more than a minute.....divides, creates negativity and isolation 🫥
51:17 🎉🎉
Stop making men the obsession.
51:31 🎉🎉
Don't give your energy to those who aren't feeding you. ❤
I enjoyed your video .I must listen again.I reside in ny and have travelled.Ive stepped out of the bar scene recently because it is definitely not a warm environment.I totally agree that coming out something our counterparts have an easier time with!.Ive experienced a lifetime of pain ,attacks .disrepect and tramau from basically my family and people of color.And i learned recently that white gays can also be racist and benefit from white privelege as well.However I seem to have an easier time with whites in terms of acceptance on a casual level.Stay strong.Be well