Being LGBTQ+ and a Sense of Belonging

Darren chats with psychotherapist, life coach, and author Chris Tompkins about the nuances of growing up as a gay or queer man, and what this entails. Chris shared his personal story of how he became passionate about helping gay men heal past pain so they can wake up feeling a greater sense of purpose, self-acceptance, and belonging.
Darren, who is himself a father, asked Chris several questions about his new book “Raising LGBTQ Allies.” Chris emphasized the analogy of the “playground” that he uses in the book - because of how we form our belief system in our early years. There are certain collective societal messages that we absorb that we pick up just by virtue of being socialized in a dominant culture. He feels particularly passionate about exploring that, specifically as it relates to gay men.
They discuss the assumed beliefs that come with being HIV-positive, and externalizing all of those inherited messages - messages which, decades later, are still imprinted into the psyche. Uncovering these messages and working through them is the key to inner transformation.
Darren probed Chris on what the main issues are that gay men bring into the therapy room. Chris discussed how there's this yearning, a sort of longing for a sense of belonging within the gay community. Due to all the messages we received growing up, we have a sense of “internalized homophobia,” which could look like a lot of things: repression, hiding, disgust, or just a feeling of not enough-ness, etc. This plays out not only “out there” in the straight world but within our own community!
They shed their insights on how this manifests: sarcasm as a defense mechanism, early childhood conditioning, connecting with our inner child, and the (sometimes long) healing process that is necessary to feel whole.
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Darren Main
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