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Why It Really Is All About Your Childhood
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- čas přidán 28. 06. 2022
- The founding principle of modern psychotherapy - that it is all to do with one’s childhood - can sound especially irritating. Why should we be forever tied to things that happened infinitely long ago?
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“In certain moods, the founding principle of modern psychotherapy - that it is all to do with one’s childhood - can sound especially irritating. Why should we be forever tied to things that happened infinitely long ago? One hardly ever sees one’s mother now and dad might have died twenty years ago. And anyway, aren’t genetics more important?”
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Unfortunately, I have found this to be true in my own life. Most of the things I hate about myself and struggle to overcome lead right back to my parents and my upbringing. I am so grateful to be in therapy now and to have a guide and an ally to help me navigate the healing process. Videos on CZcams alone cannot help you to heal from deep traumas, but they can offer some solace, just finding others in the comments section who can relate and understand our pain. Sending love and support to all of you!!
Same
I highly recommend Crappy Childhood Fairy here on CZcams
agree... CZcams has saved me from going insane and losing all hope! When I watch these videos and see other people have similar life problems it helps me not be too resentful of my family.
Same here 👐🏼
☺️ thank you
The idea is to prevent a new generation of parents to cause the trauma, by being good parents, and stopping the cycle of trauma. Bad parents are usually not aware of the huge damage they do to their children, which will continue to cause damage to adulthood, and not only to them but probably to their future children if they don't behave correctly.
I agree. My husband and I broke the cycle of physical abuse with our children. We also do not drink alcohol, which caused a lot of emotional trauma for both of us when we were children. We say to each other often, our children are nothing like we were when we were kids. That's a positive thing in our eyes!
Wonderful statements from you both!
I do believe that there is no "correct" way to be a parent and raise children. People make decisions, considering them the best ones in the moment.
Trying to protect "new generation of parents" from mistakes, we build another one, that will find themselves lost and desperate in their adulthood.
@@user-ds4bv2tz7f That’s a fallacy. There is a base level for human actions, no matter the culture or society. Don’t cause harm to each other (bodily or emotional) , treat everyone with respect, and don’t steal other peoples possessions.
Parenting is difficult but some fucked up people treat children without respect or love. As an adult you should know better, and if it takes someone else to tell you how to act, you shouldn’t be procreating, point blank. You yourself need to grow up first.
@@jnm2088 So many parents who do the best they can, still end up causing hurt and emotional damage to their children. How far back are we going to point the finger?
It's not always about abuse!
Bad parents are the biggest threat to us all
We should not blame them, they did the best in their capabilities at a time where parenting was still recently just a give shelter and food thing
@@meddisin929 I my self feel more a feeling of regret that things weren't different in child hood,symptoms have ruined my life they have eaten up years.
bad people shouldn't be allowed to have kids
@@meddisin929 then that applies for murderers and rapists too.
We have a parenting crisis on our hands
Remind me of Interstellar. “Once you’re a parent, you’re a ghost to your children’s future.”
Yep, the older I get, the more I realize it's much more about the imprint of our childhood more than anything else.
That’s why I have never lay a finger on my son or bully him or scream at him ! I have learnt how to parent just by doing the opposite of how my parents raised me.
Thank you, and please take care as well :)
Just asking, did you care about their looks? or did you just accept them immediately? I'm curious and wanna know..
@@calmv3587 🤣🤣🤣 funny question. Yes I accepted my son the moment I saw 👀 him. Though he was not pretty first two months but then got cutie 🥰
@@calmv3587 if I may ask why this question 🙋♂️? I just got curious
@@BigBoss-rw4mn Sorry i overthink alot, but that's very sweet of you so thank you very much!
I’ve done this throughout life (the first part). It’s helped tremendously since I ended up having digestion issues due to childhood stress never ceasing. Now dealing with emotional and physical issues as I’m older. I’ve grown to understand why my parents were the way they were and why their parents were the way they were. I struggle a bit with pardoning their actions completely. I understand their intentions though. I see them as humans not knowing anything better but thinking that whatever they did was best in those situations. I love my ancestors very dearly.
Now as I reparent the little me; I’m growing as my own parent and as my little self. Giving into creative moments and being patient. I’m also taking care of my physical self. Loving myself more.
It’s still hard to talk to the people who caused this grief but I’m at a better place now. 💖
Wouldnt change a word! A very close description of my situation as well.
You could put in words the feeling and the situation that i was never able to do.
Thanks a lot.
thanks for sharing this, I do feel similar things regarding my therapy and the way I understand now a bit more what happened with my relationship with my parents. Good luck in your journey
I as well developed health problems due to the stress in my childhood as well that led to my burnout in my early twenties. For me though which may not sound like a big deal to a lot of people is me feeling the grief that that the healthcare system is flawed and part of the reason my health problems were never considered or treated properly as a child.
Wish you all the best!! Amazingly, a life full of strife produces more compassionate beings!!! Gratitude and understanding are key :}
"Thoughts of self-destruction mean that you are trying to “kill off” parts of yourself that have been directed by other people." ~ (Rosen 2002) “Listening to Depression: How Understanding Your Pain Can Heal Your Life” by Lara Honos Webb
It is definitely the first step to understanding ourselves, unrecognized and unresolved childhood trauma can plague us throughout life. The key is that we are influenced by our past, but we are in no way obligated or morally required to keep it as part of ourselves. Reflect carefully, suspend judgement, and value how you feel first and foremost.
Childhood is a very delicate stage of a person’s life in which what he/she experiences, he/she inculcates for the rest of his/her life. It becomes subconsciously embedded in their memories. It is therefore very difficult to remove a childhood trauma or a phobia that was created during the early stages of development in childhood.
The most adverse effects of childhood traumas come from the relationship between the parents, the father and the mother. This is because they are the people that act as the first role models for their children. Any kind of bad experience that comes from poor relationships between the parents always has an extremely adverse effect on the children. They become less interested in things, and their ability to cope with situations also decreases. They are not the most chatty people either. Such traumatized individuals seek help from external sources and often end up in the wrong hands. Those who do not seek for help become shallow and lose faith in love.
The second most adverse effect of childhood trauma comes from the peers, the siblings and the yes, the first love. This is another important aspect of a person's life that can either lead to a beautiful life for the teenager(assuming this takes place in teenager) or ruin their life beyond recovery. The choices that the children make play an essential role in this stage. Moreover, in the first stage, the relationship between the parents also plays a major role here. If the person is constantly failing at making friends and is miserable all the time, it's time to take action. As a parent, talking to the child is the most powerful key. We cannot go asking kids to become friends with our kids, that would worsen the situation. The people who suffer from this kind of trauma(loneliness, low self-esteem, self-doubt) take time to come out of their delusions but they can recover from this phase.
The only thing left to state is that though their ears might be smaller than yours, they listen to you, they observe you with their tiny eyes and they learn, they adapt. So before you take any action think about your kid, and kids, life is beautiful if you have seen the side I never could.
Trauma focused therapy can bring real change and relief. EMDR especially can be life changing.
Your comment is packed with thoughtfulness.
I was really. moved by it, especially the last paragraph. Thank you!
Imagine the trauma if both your parents curse you for being born.
@@poojaguin5505 Look at the bright side at least both parents are present in your life!
@@avidhossanmansur9830 maybe
I constantly tell my Psychology students that things happened to them, that they cannot remember, but which have lasting impacts on the people they are today. This video's comparison to learning to speak was brilliant, and I will use this analogy in class in the future.
oh as much as it is rewarding it's unbelievably painful to dive deep in our own childhood to figure out the real reasons of our current struggles! it is unbearable at times but worth it! my support to anyone going through this ❤️
Since my children were born, 17, 13, I've spent my every waking hour trying to be a good parent. Never judging, embarrassing or putting undue pressures on them. I have tried. Man, and how I still do try.
Good on you bro
I’m 17 and I wish I had this growing up. Those of us without parents like that appreciate you.
Good on you. Also remember that you don't have to be perfect. They can learn to be patient with you just as you're patient with them. You can even discuss your difficulties with them e.g. "Sorry that I get irritable when we're running late for something. I really care about punctuality. How do you feel about punctuality?" Being open with one another is a luxury that many families allow themselves these days.
I have one son, we gave him lots of love and atention, send him to college now with a degee, hes struggling with depression, but we still love him and support him in whatever way we can
@@aldelgado9343 The truth is that there are lots of things that cause depression, not just parents. For instance, young people are very aware of the dangers of climate change, the rise of racism and of course the unpredictable behavior of Russia at the moment. Your son is so lucky to have sincere, good-hearted parents. Knowing that you are willing to talk things over, he may choose to talk about some of the things that are depressing him. Perhaps people at his job are rather discouraging or he is a perfectionist who exhausts himself with worry about his high standards.
Oh no I'm first, this can't be a good sign.
Ohhh mannn
@@MapedMod Yes. Your need to be first, your need to be seen. Smh
It is, actually a good sign. You are to the path of health.
😂
During the past couple of weeks of psychotherapy sessions I've been focusing on the role my parents had and, to my very unpleasant surprise, still have in how I function everyday. I find it extremely hard to deal with. There's tons of shame, guilt that I think they should feel, not me, a lot of grief from that, suppressed anger, constant frustration. Until now, I was concerned and focused on my anxiety; now it turns out the root of it really is in my childhood and there's a lot to untangle in this new context of relationship with my parents. I just hope that with time and help of my very brilliant and empathetic therapist I will be able to find some inner peace after 15 years of anxiety, guilt and unrealistic ambitions.
Tough shit.
Great material, as always; thanks.
Same for me, and I have a lot unresolved anger and resentment towards them.
True and it's sad to see it all was my childhood, and it's more sad when I go to therapy and they just say: it happened a long time a go. But it keeps hunting me, and I didn't even know before.
If your therapist is saying that, find a new one!
I totally agree with Amy, no therapist should be saying that to you!
I had an ignorant therapist tell me to stop living in the past. I never went back. I wasn’t going to a therapist to talk about the weather.
Speaking from experience, I advise you get away from them ASAP. They aren’t doing anything but causing you more pain and invalidation. Which leads to an even longer and difficult healing journey. My therapist helped me in alot of different ways but after a year, I started to dig deeper into why I was still repeating the same cycles ( extreme self criticism, anxiety, people pleasing etc) I found out about childhood trauma and was completely mind blown on why I never knew the side effects! When I brought it up to her, she brushed it off and said that I’m “thinking too much about it” and said I need to focus on what I can do right now. After a couple weeks of hearing the same solutions from her I told her that I think she’s reached her limits on her assistance with my growth journey. It was kind of awkward to do BUT I’m SOO glad I did bc she would’ve kept me going in circles looking for solutions that will never solve my problems!
As a dyslexic agnostic; I spent many nights, during my childhood, pondering the big, existential questions.
Is there really a dog?
Ok lol
You never know someone's struggle...
I was reading the comments and I was figuring out how many people have issues with their parents, just like me and how fucking depressing that is... Then, I read your comment and I laughed. Thanks for the comic relief!
For me it started in childhood but it wasn't fully my parents. It was constant bullying I got as a kid. Idk why but I got bullied at every school and every grade. It effects my self esteem to this day.
hi Bree, bullies are scum, good luck with your healing.
My 'parents' completely fucked up my life, I'm now 64 years old, I struggled at school from chronic bullying, I've never worked, I was never taught how to socialise. I've achieved absolutely nothing in life thanks to my evil, toxic, narcissistic mother and paedophile sexual psychopath of a father! The worst part is I only learned that it was all down to such chronic child abuse so recently in the scheme of my long life from a counsellor! All I can do right now is look back and see that little girl I was, her soul being murdered and destroyed - its beyond words!
"Ive never worked" what does that have to do with anything.
Btw I sympathise with your story Im sorry you had to go through that Im just asking.
Your story is almost exactly like mine. My Dad was an alcoholic who molested me multiple times. My Mom was the disciplinarian and beat me with the belt for stupid shit. Her discipline would be considered abuse now but that is how she was raised. They both screwed me up. I understand your comment about never having a job but my experience that is similar to that is never being able to graduate college despite trying many times. I’m absolutely certain the childhood trauma resulted in some type of learning disability which no one ever recognized even in elementary school. I did have somewhat of a career as a long haul truck driver but even that was severely affected due to anxiety and overwhelming fear of unfamiliar situations. I am now disabled and have been since I was 52. And I have a myriad of health problems such as fibromyalgia and chronic pain and inflammation. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that a lot of it is due to childhood trauma and abuse. I’m just hoping that reincarnation is true and I will get another chance to overcome the long legacy of abuse in my family. I’ve told so many people I wish I was never born.
@@RainForestSoul Yes, I know for certain that I too have been left with a learning disability that was also not recognised at school. I too have many many physical health problems exactly like you, I also suffer chronic pain, inflammation, IBS, chronic fatigue, migraines, the list goes on. The worst thing is, is that doctors don't recognise that these physical issues are a result of childhood trauma. I too wish I'd never been born. I often feel like taking my life.
@@g1fcg I am so sorry. I absolutely feel the same. It won’t change anything but I am sending hugs. It’s a shitty life but I hang on for my Grandson. Just know that I care.
@Lee This comment made me cry, I can't imagine the anguish you are in everyday. I'm 20, and it felt a lot like seeing a glimpse of my future, my father would beat me with a belt for the most stupid stuff almost daily, either that or I would get icy water thrown on me, I would get bullied at school because I was so terrified I didn't speak and would get beat by the nuns as well.
From age 5 to 13 my mother would touch me and try to get me off while saying the most disgusting things and checking if I was still a virgin, I was 5 the first time I tought about taking my life by jumping off the balcony.
Now I don't even know how to talk to people or to socialise, I don't know how to be normal. I absolutely couldn't hold down a job even if I managed to find one, which I haven't. There's something vital missing in me and it makes me feel broken beyond repair. I have failed the courses I have enrolled in, and can't even manage to pass the test to get into university.
I wish I could help you, I wish I could help both of us and everyone stuck in this horrible vicious cycle, it's just so unfair, you didn't deserve any of this, I'm so sorry.
Forgive me for any mistake, english isn't my first language.
I never had enough money to go to a therapist. So I did all this path reading in libraries and bookstores. It helped me a lot also doing a genealogical tree. I've found patterns in it and I'm very glad I had left that place and that people behind. If you can go to therapy go!! So many people can't.
Becareful what you read
@@ojerogreat3575 I'm stoic don't worry. Thanks anyway.
“Childhood is the father of man” - William Wordsworth
it's weird. with this channel I feel like I learn a lot, but what i learn always feels so hard to pin down, i can never really tell what is it I've gotten from these and yet i know I've gained much
It’s hard to remember these lessons sometimes
You don't know what you've learned because these vids are very vague on any sort of steps to solutions. They point out the situations so you can relate to whatever points they make but they don't offer suggested remedies.
@@davidpetersen1 yeah it's very hard to suggest solutions in these fields. any step towards helping anyone in a really effective way is always so personal and unique to each individual
@@ppmico It's hard to suggest solutions when it's a CZcams video lol
@@davidpetersen1 that's it. what to do varies so much depending on the person who needs help that a medium in which so many people will receive the same info just can't do it
Anyone else stuck in a loop where they can pin point exactly why they're like this but can't bring themselves out of it
Me... Could really use some help, but apparently society is trying to teach me how to be "independent", or some bullshit like that *sigh*
One of the famous quotes of mom is this:
- Shut up! How dare you change the subject while you are talking to your mother? In front of me, you have to feel like as if you are in court, in front of a judge!
Well, this might make you feel like as if the entire world is a courtroom and every person who has a bit of an authority is someone you can't talk back to.
But as we all know, every trauma you have is an opportunity to understand those who are in the same or in a worse situation and to be a very compassionate person. And also, it is an opportunity to grow.
For friends who suffered from emotional or physical parental abuse, here are some resources that I have found very helpful.
1. The most important thing in this world is to cultivate self compassion. If you don't have it, it is because you have internalised the unforgiving gaze of your parent upon you. That's why it is extremely important to actively cultivate self love daily , no matter how awkward and artificial it may seem to you at the beginning. These two guided meditations are very helpful.
UCLA Hammer Meditation, Diana Winston, Loving Kindness For Ourselves
Tara Brach, Awakening Self Compassion
2. Broadening your horizont with the stories of other people who suffered the same is extremely helpful. You feel less alone in your struggle and you learn from them, seeing how they deal with it. Here are some podcast episodes that really touched me deeply:
TIM FERRIS PODCAST
" My healing journey after childhood abuse"
DRIVE PODCAST by Peter Attia
The episode with Esther Perel ( if your mother was abusive )
The episode with Terry Real ( if your father was abusive )
DEAR THERAPISTS PODCAST
Two eispodes:
" Moll'y father's suicide"
" Jason's alcoholic father
3. I remembered an interview with Esther Perel, one of the best therapists on the planet, where she said that, she could only public her first book, after her overly critical mother died. So probably, if her mom was still alive, millions of people wouldn't have the opportunity to benefit from her incredibly helpful books.
For some of us it is like this: those who make us who we are, also constantly break us in ways that neither they nor we properly understand.That's why instrospection is very important. I highly recommend everyone to read the book " Maybe you should talk to someone " by Lori Gottlieb and also t use the workbook, that helps us to ask ourselves the right questions!
4. There is a wounderful video from this channel called "How to parent yourself". I wrote another list under it, if you wish to check it out.
5. Humour helps a lot.
When my mom tells me to shut up, because I am supposed to fear " the judge", I say:
" So am I allowed to sing instead?? There is new evidence in my song! "
She always freaks out, but at least it gives me a sense of control.
You might as well make comedy out of tragedy. One of my heroes is Trevor Noah and I think everybody should read his book " Born a Crime":
When your parents do horrible things, they aren't being actively mean. It is very unfortunate, but they seriously think that it is all good for you.
Thank you for this very valuable lesson and for the amazing animation!!
My parents tend to emphasis everyone else’s respect for them yet forget to spare some for their own children. I feel this has taught me and my siblings to expect less respect than we give. I suspect this might be damning for our self-esteem and relationships.
Hi Lua!
Glad to read another of your always enlightening comments.
@@Vecio.Nandes Hello there again! Always nice to hear from you! I hope everything is going very well with you and your family. Thank you so much once again for taking the time! Much love to you as always and thanks again Vécio
@@justanobliviousmorononthei6266 Hello there! Thanks a lot for your time. I am very sorry to hear that you have had a similar experience. The point you make is very accurate indeed. And one more thing we do is to "endure" much more than we should, just because we have the capacity to endure. For example, I stayed for 5 years in a relationship, where a person with healthy self esteem would have left after 5 weeks. They know what they deserve and what not. We often don't know.
But being aware and vigilant, one can work on these things.
If we have a couple of loving, well meaning friends who know about our "conditioning", they can also warn us and protect us when it is necessary.
I send you many greetings and my very best wishes! :- )
Thank you for sharing this! I have a hard time finding quality content that can help me heal my inner child and reparent myself as an adult. I screenshot your comment as a reference.💓
“Don’t you know yet? It is your light that lights the world.”
Rumi.
It’s so fascinating to look at these non-Western spiritual traditions and see them in a light of somewhat “early” iterations of modern psychotherapy.
By honouring your ancestors, people subconsciously engage with the memory of their parents and childhood, embracing a path of self-psychotherapy, may it bear success or not.
I'm interested in Alain's journey into psychoanalysis. It's clearly had a great influence on him
Agree
Dear School of Life, you always leave us with "it's your childhood" while not giving us a proper, better way to cope with it. You leave us with this feeling of being doomed because of lots of things that were out of our control
You should follow stoic philosophy then it's really the most practical and effective.
Yep
The best thing is to get proper, appropriate therapy. Find out if you have Complex PTSD from your childhood and see a therapist who is trained and experienced in trauma focused therapy. EMDR can change everything.
You shouldn't confuse entertainment with therapy. CZcams will not help you, on that level. The video also states a clear approach: "We need to reflect on them, to get over them."
They often advocate psychotherapy as the way to cope with it. This may not be a perfect solution, but afaik nobody knows a better one.
Parents’ personalities are the quickest triggers of my negative reaction, no matter how much I tries to rationalize these triggers.
Cause of my childhood trauma, i became one of those people who are kind and fun with everyone in a group but no one is close friends him cause he has this social mask on and behind that is story of drunkard and absent father and emotionally controlling mother
I must be one of the wise, took 72 yrs, but I'm grateful, it is better to have learnt who I was born to be, amen. Real healing ends with forgiveness.
So I have to dig up my parents, got it.
I wish. I would slap the hell out of them for the trauma they caused. I didn’t realize how badly I was affected until I got much older. Looking back, I can see how I was affected. My parents never should have had children.
I don’t like to blame my parents… I like to hold them accountable.
For someone who struggles with sensory overload, this video is impossible to watch, especially while trying to read the subtitles, which I need to do (and which are problematic in their own right). Way too much going on, way too much chaotic movement. I know I'm just one person, but this is a common problem for people with ADHD, PTSD, OCD, people on the autism spectrum, people with anxiety, etc. Please consider looking into the topic and finding ways to make videos more accesible.
could you try putting a bit of paper over the screen so you only see the subtites line
hey if you scroll up to the top of the screen & look at the description under the video, click on "show more" & find the heading which says "further reading" it actually gives a link for the full script. the fist time i clicked it the text came up then the screen went blank, but when i reloaded the page i could read the whole script
@@kungfutzu3779 Ah, ok. Thank you! I followed the link to the article on their site as you suggested and read it there. Most of the videos aren't as overstimulating as this one, so it doesn't come up every time. But they should use some sort of animation guidelines, imo, and also create their own subtitles vs just letting the auto-generated ones run.
Thank you for your help!
@@camez2345 :)
Is Alan de Botton no longer doing these? I miss his voice! We got used to his voice, can we bring him back at least on occasion?
Unfortunately I’m too selfish to care about the next generation. I’m still too bitter that my life wasn’t as good as it could’ve been and now I have to guilt trip myself to do better for the next generation? No ty
If you can get proper assessment from a trauma focused therapist, you may find you have Complex PTSD. EMDR cam be life changing for this. Incredible relief and amazing insights leading to real healing.
Iam still living with my parents and iam old.. in my early 40's ..I've been struggling facing all this wrong behaviors all those mistakes that made me stuck..now iam an actrees Iam in my real life path i meet with myself at last..its never too late..i forgive them and i introduce my self to me..and iam reliefed..
I think it's the new narrator's voice... I just can't get past it. The previous one was so calm and soothing. This just sound preachy and annoying. Like that teacher you just couldn't stand.
I'm 61 and I didn't reproduce because of all the crazies on both sides of the family tree. I just wish other people could understand that weather it be hereditary sickness, disease or mental illness 🤒 😪
I do feel u. :(
Thanks school of life, though im not changing significantly or making immediate change but it was a delight to watch your videos over these years. Though maybe some ideas stuck inside me and perhaps reached my unconsciousness , maybe though. But this kind of video sounds like a good parent teaching my inner self, how deep down i am still a child inside. Thank you. Perhaps someday, as a child that's been taught with patience, i learned from it. Though my parent never did that :)
Sometimes it is not only about bad parents. As we learn about our parents childhood, experiences and watching them being caught in toxic relationships themselves (friends, partner) or the way they respecting or abandoning their own needs will be a role model for our own relationships, views and behahiour.
It's a vicious cycle
My 55 year old coworker once told me: "Everything I know about women, money, skills, life, I've learned from my dad" As someone who grew up without a father, this hit me hard, and kinda explained why I'm not good at certain things. And I guess the only thing I can do is to at least try to be the dad I never had...
My dad definatly planted seeds in me that grew by encouraging me to grow myself, and so I ended up being something different and new. You can make new things too, just by encouraging them to grow.
No. A child is not your cathartic experience. Don't bring a new person into the world in order to correct some past injustice. They are entitled to the very best a parent can give, and going into it with that kind of attitude can only lead to you perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
The thing about trauma of all kinds, but childhood trauma in particular, is the tendency for one's own mind to be drawn back to the traumatic event subconsciously. Which gradually creates an inner dialogue that tries to convince one's self that what caused the trauma can be "fixed". Which is of course impossible. There's no way to "fix" that which has already happened. The remedy, which is always easier said than done, is to quiet the subconscious chatter of the mind. Whether through meditation or other methods. Once this is achieved, the same wrote patterns of the pain caused will continue to resurface as before. However, this time you will be able to observe the thoughts and feelings more like casually observing clouds passing while looking at the sky... as opposed to being swept up and dragged by them like a speeding truck with no brakes causing undue harm to one's self and/or others. Under this form of calm observation of your thoughts/ feelings one can then begin to address them with the following line of questions.
1) Is it true?
2) Is it helpful? and..
3) Would I CHOOSE to experience these thoughts/feelings continuously apart from the reoccurring patterns that cause them to resurface and repeat often?
This begins the process of rising above the locked thoughts, feelings, behaviors and predictability of the suffering we accept from buried trauma and thereby ultimately releasing it. 🙏🏽
Dancing with the dead in Madagascar is a major reason for the resurfacing of bubonic plague in Africa... This is NOT the way. Not all traditions are good.
Very true, childhood shapes the child's lens on what is acceptable and what is not from family dynamics. The child's characteristics, demeanor, and personality will be built accordingly and stick with them much of their life.
I thought this video would be about healthy introspection and healing... Instead, I was quickly taken on a wild ride about dancing with corpses and ghosts.
I'm finding the School of Life videos increasingly irksome. The visuals, the narration, the hopelessness underlying some of the messages. Nowadays, I'm just here for the comments, many of which are thoughtful, interesting and helpful.
Right! Someone sent me some videos a while back that I enjoyed, so I thought I'd look up the channel again for some wisdom... And I find this stuff. This is like mental illness making content. Glad someone else sees it. It's great to be introspective be it this is how to be a victim 101... geez, talk about seeing the worst in life
At some point you just have to accept that whatever is past is past, and you have complete responsibility over your own life for every day forward. Forget that past stuff … it’s useless baggage.
Thought it might be some debate around nature vs nurture but ended up with how we build narratives around dead people and past to justify present.
While I don't have anyone to tell this but I really wanna tell my story. I am a guy youngest child with 2 older sisters and all 3 of us were raised very differently. It almost seemed unfair. First we all were same but as time went on oldest sister became crazy fun kid she didn't do best at school and grades but she was extrovert. Parents couldn't handle her spending money on unwanted things going out crazy with friends at teenage. And they took it out on us me specifically,They were strict and controlling wanted me and 2nd sibling to do good at school and would let us have fun and go out to play and told to invite friends at home rather than going outside to play. And bragged about how fun our oldest sister with relatives and outside world and said were boring unintelligent while we worked out ass off to get good grades and with no friends cause they felt uncomfortable around our parents. And we grew up same thing were happening still past 20 years old. My oldest sister is married and even if she dropout highschool she managed her life and she and her husband own a bakery cake which is going on really well and I'm happy for her but. While we were children's all of stress she caused our parents, they spilled it out on me. I had to keep my family close father was retired army men a drunkard and mom with weak heart and blood pressure. I had to handle her doing all chores, litterely every thing except for dishes cause 2nd sibling did it but she didn't really cared about no one not in a bad way. And with no close friends i had this social mask on friends saw my family as healthy, and really fun. But no one never have known till this day i cry every night even if i did well in school i have no goal no motivation no friends no skills not good at sports cause never had any male influence in life always getting compared by parents how my sister did well in her life and how my life sucks, and annoying and telling me in My face they never should have had me in the first place.
Moral of the story no matter how good you are as a kid to your parents they won't care for you at the end of the day. Cause it's your life not theirs. Telling from experience my life is literally ruined and I've been thinking suicidal thoughts a lot, but i never gonna go that road ever.
An alternative to being a victim of our parent's unconscious conditioning is to develop self awareness and realize that the resulting thoughts and thought-patterns are not who we are unless we chooae to be. They are simply objects ("mind forms" per Eckhart Tolle) that appear in the mind, and as such, can be acknowledged, accepted, and handled as the witness to them sees fit. To accomplish this one needs to do the introspective work. The reward is a free mind that is a creative tool rather than an imprisoned, consumptive slave.
Back in school I learned that I can't hold my rage back because that would lead to other's abuse, mockery and lacks of respect. Since then, even though I've never exerted any violence, I always think about how easy it would be to just behave like I used to. I've been thinking for many years about other methods to convince myself that is not the way, but I always get back to the starting point.
The reason is simple: Events of our childhood tangibly shape/impact our brains. This is less philosophical than it is medical science.
So the challenge for us all is to understand how our past created our present, and use that knowledge to guide our futures.
I was better to my kids, better to people, and made more money. I achieved more, loved more, finally became more honest, became more competent. We are in multiple competency hierarchies, and once I realized I was better in just about every area, I let it go.
By far the most beautiful and compelling answer to this question that I have seen.
I don't agree with the ALL comes from childhood. I sure might have some minor traumas from my childhood, but overall it was pretty good. However in my teen years when I was ignored and/or rejected completely by the other sex for years, because my personality didn't fit the usual "girl/female" behaviour patterns, it created an unhealthy relationship to myself as a woman and I did the wrong choices subsequently as a follow up. E.x. despite having a good self confidence overall and not having problems in other aspects of life (friends, education, jobs, etc.), I choose the wrong partner then husband then father of my kids, because in retrospect I know my trauma of rejection said take this guy, there might be noone else wanting you at all. Ironically there were other men interested in me in the years to come, but since I'm a deeply loyal person, I never looked left or right and rejected any upcoming interest in me by other guys in the beginning stage, cheating was not an option at all. Today I joke that I would have probabaly been so much more happy if I had cheated. The outcome might have been a breakup and new chances, and if not at least I would have had decent sex. Loyalty is a good value, but it can also stand in your way. Of course an early breakup would have been the best, but my trauma kinda never allowed me to go that way. And my parents and my upbringing had nothing to do with it. If anything they allowed me to grow into a self-confident, intelligent women thinking for herself and having her own opinions rather than just following and that had a good connection to her body, but that wasn't exact what growing up males rewarded with attention. At least in my peer groups.
Yes let's all remember it's not your fault no matter what you do it is always your parents fault. No self responsibility that's the credo for today
I can cultivate a clear eyed vision of my youth and see where the scripts and patterns that haven't served me originated.. But I'm not looking to blame. My parental figures were doing the best they could with their own struggles. In fact, it's necessary for me to forgive to release the resentment that poisons my ability to love myself. Similarly I need to forgive myself for dysfunctional behaviors to better love others.
I think I am lucky enough as issues from my childhood don't bother me at all. Hopefully, I become more confident. Moreover, I managed to overcome my complexes. For example, when I was at school my classmates always laughed at me because I have big cheeks. At first, I was shy because of it. Then I found the right person, my boyfriend who really admires my cheeks and calls me a hamster. It is so cute. He helped me to become more confident and love myself. I also know a person whose childhood has had a huge impact on him. He grew up without a father so now he is angry with everyone. He tends to fight a lot with boys. He got accustomed to deal with everything by fighting. He behaves in a dismissive way. It's awful.
Being a parent is the toughest job and most of us are not naturally gifted at it. Unfortunately, the parent is also the biggest influence in a child's life during its most formative years. A perfect recipe for the trauma that almost all of us carry. And the social system that we must adhere to, that we struggle to to fit in can intensify the trauma that we already carry. Our situation seems tragically funny.
Mom used to compare me to my cousins or with someone that was "better" than me. Punish me for every mistake like it was the worst thing in the World. And so on so many things. Now I suffer from anxiety and overthinking. I though that forgive my mom will do the job to improve. But you need more than that. Am still live with my Mother and I get along with her because at the end, even with my situation, I get it she is a broken girl as well.
we are not but slaves of fear and the past, both in our minds and in the world we inhabit. that is all i've ever learned about psychology and thats all i i think we are on the inside, regardless of how much we sugary language this channel packs on.
I usually like School of Life videos, but what is this message of this one, that I am doomed to be haunted by the mischievous ghosts of my relatives and they’re all mean? WTF??
Tapaskar🙏. I believe this is an oppurtinity to show our parents what we good we have learned in this world. It may be personal hygiene or communication skills. Good content and ssolid dependability here.
And yet, I learnt an entire new language in my early twenties, almost as well as my mother tongue, and with a neutral, implaceable accent to boot. Still stuck with my childhood family dynamics though.
I bought the book and it made me cry.
I find this voiceover very soothing, I cannot be the only one?
Repressed childhood memories, events make life worth living for in a sense, I guess.
The writing you guys got down is pretty damn good
Reminder that your life and destiny is not set in stone. Maybe it was in the past, but now with a certain awareness you can take charge of your life. Neuro plasticity among other things is possible, but only if you work
It is not about how wise one is to let go, Im referring to the last sentence, it is about understanding and finding purpose. Personally I am wise, with high IQ, can tackle great challenges but for things related to family dynamics, relationships, purpose I had to reinvent myself and still am. Im grateful for everything as it made me the man I am but would not like it to happen to anbody else as not we deserve better lives and more love from early on. Forgive and protect the weakest.
My childhood was fine, not perfect. Some longing for connection. But it's the dead ends in adult life that are the worst you're not going to convince me that I'm aching because of the 1980s. It's the 2020s that hurt
Consider yourself lucky then
Somebody should give an oscar to the person who animated this episode.
Our family and our environment (including TV) greatly influence our personality, this really deserved a separate video.
Mommy and daddy may be spoiled us in a way, but it is on us to take the whole responsibility for our actions and learn to live with the consequences. Even if someone made us that way, what we do is on us. Stay strong
OK Alain, but I think you are maybe overstating the case slightly. Carl Jung, for one would take issue with what you have just said. Whereas you take your cue from Freud, whose emphasis was always on looking back, Jung was always much more interested in the impact of today and the future. He emphasised the second half of life as a time for healing and Growth and looking forward, rather than looking back to childhood. Bit of balance please!
I knew it!
Most of the ppl avoid thinking at this idea too much, they instead say it's the environment or the group of friends but in reality what psychology, and not only, wrote many years ago is still true, that is the no. 2 in the formation of individual's personality and character is family. Period. Genes is first then it's your family...
3 factor is school, then 4 friends and peers and so on.
In a way it makes complete sense because where does the kid spends much of his time? At home! Or he chooses the streets if home is a house of scandal and pain.
Mil. of years of evolution and societies, systems of governments yet procreation and who is ok to beget is still not controlled; all societies would be better off without children suffering for the mistakes of their caregivers....
Finally, at least someone gets it.
Welcome to the common sense club bud.🎉
Daphne Merkin spent 40 years in psychoanalytic therapy(2 sessions per week) and didn't really feel she got anywhere. Please do read her article.. What is your take on that "School of Life" ?
What about the children that haven't really been affected directly by their parents because they were neglected and taken away by child services when they were 2, but grew up to be anxious and severely depressed because of it?
How do one process memories that aren't there, or confront parents that never were?
I would like to answer your questions 🎗️firstly, childhood wounds are the result of our relationship with any caretakers, whether they were our own parents or any other adults, the unhealthy relationship with those caretakers can be traumatizing and causes problems later on.
And concerning the memories that aren't there, it is said that at times one might feel that they don't have memories or can't remember their past, but the reason is our brain hides those painful memories, as if we are unconsciously running away from that pain so the easiest thing is not to recall the pain!
I believe that going to a therapist is the perfect way to understand the roots of the pain and heal overtime 🤗
Parents very rarely take their immense responsibility seriously enough. An infant's mind and the attachment style they'll carry for the rest of their life is formed within the first few weeks of life, or months at most. The quality and quantity of eye contact they receive from their primary caregiver is what forms those pathways.
If your birth parents were so neglectful that you were removed from their care, it's no wonder that you are hurting and struggling. Despite what therapists sometimes claim there's no actual way to correct those mistakes that were made. I assume the fact that they were created before our brain could even form memories is a huge part of why that is.
Wow.. yes this is true. Let’s loosen our grip. 🙏🏼❤️
While partly accurate, I cant say how much, I feel the video vilified parents too much. What we need to do is loosen the grip of those negative thoughts that rise because we were young and unable to understand life and what everything meant. My parents held their praise except for certain high achievements for their vision was and is extremely limited.
I learnt that not achieving the best of the best means I am a worthless wretch, because I was a kid who accepted their visions as absolutes I need to relearn that past in the context of their limits and in my current understanding of the complexity of the world. No parents are perfect for no human is perfect
What we need is to go back to that past and reinterpret it properly, reconsider what was said and done and our biased conclusions from those situations. It has little to do with those ghosts of the past and has everything to do with our the distorted memories, biased conclusions, and faulty logic of the kids we were. Our Parents screwed us to varying degrees; our teachers and mentors did the same to a smaller extent. We should get over all this and start repairing the damage one day at a time until the day we die.
Great pro choice video bc absolutely should not have been born into the bs I had to deal with. I should be able to use my parents and the foster care system for their extreme neglect, emotional and verbal abuse.
Same
Interesting that this video lists Cambodia as the first country in this video. Cambodian people worldwide are linked to the Killing Fields genocide. My entire people have generational trauma affecting all of us. In America it not only affects us as POC but even within Asian POC, Cambodians on average do not finish highschool nor get a higher education. I personally have trouble relating to other Asians. I also have trouble relating to many Cambodians because I was a high-achiever during school
Madonna’s song Mother And Father is a very Healing Song! If you need to let go of bad childhood, listen to some Madonna songs that were about her childhood.
*me still living with my mom seeing her everyday cause you're unable to survive on min wage alone where I live* 😅
Basically TSOL answering to the comments
This has been enlightening for me recently, and how much even 'healthy' people think there's nothing wrong with them, but actually that is just the 'programming' of the 'memory autopilot brain' in childhood that sees things from that perspective, like only a segment of a pie chart, rather than seeing the whole pie chart for themselves. And that's why self awareness through things like Myers Briggs and Enneagram is so important to see reality, it helped me unlock the reasons why I act the way I have/do as an Enneagram 4w5...because of being on my own for 4 years with all the attention, then my sister coming along and changing things.
I think most of the "healthy" people (especially the older generations) are mentally ill in a way. They just don't admit it.
i’m a 4w5 with heavy 9/7/6/2/1. i was/am an only child, & i spent hours, every day, playing out in the woods, alone, on 47 acres, beginning at the age of 4. the older i got, the further i ventured out. i have always felt all alone in this world. i LOVE to be alone. but it is definitely bitter sweet. seemingly most people, at least the ones i have been drawn to/have been drawn to me, are toxically fucked up. the covert ones poison You secretly & slowly over time. and it can take several years to even realize how sick they’re making You. study all the signs of cluster B personality disorders, & jump the fucking ship as soon as the alarms start screaming.
@@LaciRae Hes right. Its really hard to detect poison. Gaslighting is a huge one. They try to wear you down.
Dont put up with it, for even a second. Hes right. As soon as you notice the poison, deal with it. You have no idea what your giving up if you dont.
I love the visual of this video, great art and artist
Comes off very myopic. Doesn't do much to inspire a new generation of parents... "You will cause so much trauma!!". There is also a need to appreciate the things your parents did get right and the care they did give you.
Boy, sure am glad you have a book for sale on "How to Overcome Your Childhood" right after cementing that thought in your viewers' heads. How convenient.
Everyone's gotta make money in this world, and there are worse ways to do it. Good for them.
well that was completely unhelpful!
I didn’t expect the outcome for this video but sincerely I loved it. Our ancestors are always around us as guides, even though we do have the option to choose to not hear them. We should treat them with respect and thank them always because they have the answer to all of our shortcomings. Great video, thank you! 🤍
Fantastic way to describe Family Constellations.
It's a circle. Not a square; it goes around and around and around.
Please help me get the message of video. Is it
1 - We, as a species, are bad at parenting'
Or
2 - We, as a species, find it more pleasing/relaxing to blame our parents/ancestors for our present.
Neither of what you wrote
I suppose one could put forward that it's "all about your chidhood" if you had a bad one but many people have good ones with parents and siblings who aren't cruel, thoughtless or narcissistic. So.. what is it "really all about" for those individuals? Because bad childhood or not every adult has things to deal with as we age and come to terms with our own developing insights into our lives and ourselves.
Having good ones and caring ones, are two different things.
I am not saying I had an absolutely perfect childhood, but I really did have a relatively good one. I honestly do not think my childhood explains my bad personality traits and all the times I have acted like an arsehole!!!
Thank god you exist and I thought I'm only one not blaming my parents for my mess ups.
Lucky bastards
Literally
Artwork was terrifying in this one
Frugality is an attractive quality to the majority of the population.Being frugal is about putting your dollars towards the things you care about and not overspending on the things that don't matter.
You're right, to make our world a better place, we need to build products that the corrupt cannot abuse-crypto currency trading is the best example of that
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Please how do i get in touch with Mr Jesse ? I would love to work with him.
Thanks, I also needed his info too, a friend once told me about Jesse Powell then I wasn't interested
but I think I'm giving it a try now
He has made success easier than we thought,I have been involved in trading in recent times with Mr Jesse Powell and ever since it has been win win situation always. I have cash to spare and I'm living comfortably because of the analytic prowess of Mr Jesse Powell
I found the animation so ghoulish I just about managed to watch this informative video!😲 I 💓 the School of Life and the quirky animations usually add to the appeal of the content..but this animation was a step too far for me!!😄
After watching several videos of this channel I wanted to know why SOL is obsessed with childhood lol