How I Went From Having Commitment Phobia To Becoming Engaged - Part 2 - Keys to Overcome It
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- čas přidán 31. 05. 2024
- How I Went From Having Commitment Phobia To Becoming Engaged - Part 2 - Keys to Overcome It
Do you have a strong fear of commitment? Have many of your relationships failed because of you not being able to open up, or because you feel trapped in them? Do you wish to be able to have stable relationships while simultaneously struggling with the conviction that relationships aren't for you? Do you know of someone that may have some of these characteristics?
Then this video is for you! In this second part, you will learn the insights that I gained while working on my commitment phobia, and some of the actions that I took in order to overcome it to the point of becoming happily engaged. If you haven't watched part 1, I really encourage you to do that first so that the teachings from this video are clearer for you. Here is the link for the first part • How I Went From Having...
If this topic is of interest to you, I invite you to visit my website www.transmuteyourself.com/ and subscribe to my newsletter, which will give you access to my free gift: "3 Powerful Tips to Overcome Commitment Phobia and Connect to Yourself in the Process". If you need help with fear of commitment or any topic where you would like to grow and lead a lighter and happier life and are interested in working with me, I invite you to apply for coaching here www.transmuteyourself.com/wor....
#transmuteyourself #commitmentphobia #relationships #conqueringcommitmentanxiety
#fearlessrelationships #embracelovenotfear #commitmentphobiarecovery #courageouslovejourney #buildinghealthyrelationships
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Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I thought I won't be able to find anyone who would say everything I experience. I couldn't even tell others about my problem because I felt terrible about myself. I couldn't even get into a relationship because of this problem. Even when I sincerely wanted to be with someone I like, my brain would shut my heart down in the end, take away my excitement and make me run away before it starts. This video really helps. Hopefully, I can move forward better.
My commitment phobia is a paralyzing fear. It feels like im scared for my life even with the thought of committing to someone. I also fear love. The anxiety is terrifying.
I've been struggling with this for years and am currently with a great girl who I've been with for 9 months. I'm struggling to stay in the relationship but I think this video will help me. I don't want to continue the same patterns
Thanks for sharing Tyler! Wish you the best of luck with this. If you need help don't hesitate to write me at javier.penalba@transmuteyourself.com
I don’t think I have ever watched a video in which I can relate to everything so much - every single word. I have been seeing someone for 9 months now and I started to realise that something was wrong with my thinking after a few months. I’m 29 now and have never had a proper relationship, and always wondered why. I even struggle with close friendships, and I even struggled when I bought a cat. Me and the person I’m seeing currently are on the edge of stopping everything, and I’m at the point in which I’m rebounding back and trying to commit properly. I’ve now decided that I really need help with this and this video has given me so much clarity. I believe that my fear of commitment and the loneliness that comes with it has also been the route cause of my anxiety and depression that I feel every day. I just hope that I don’t ruin this opportunity with the current person I’ve been seeing for 9 months because of this phobia. I will look into the meditation you mentioned as this is something I can do well already.
Thank you Luke! I encourage you to continue with meditation. Don't hesitate to request coaching if you need personalized support and guidance. I really wish you the best in this journey of self-discovery. Peace is on the other side of the struggle, be patient and compassionate with yourself and I am sure you can do this!
How'd you go?
Thank you for the video. I just became aware that I might have commitment phobia as well. It was well hiding from my conciousness for almost 20 years. I kept thinking I'm just attracting guys who I don't like or the other way around. Finding guys who I believed I love but they were not ready to commit. I recognise some of the patterns you mentioned. Looking for excuses when a guy wanna be serious. Like I don't feel attracted, our lifestyle is so different, he is too young, too old, cultural differences, i don't like the way he talks . I also tend to choose the safe guys so I know I don't have to commit because I know I don't want anything serious or being the 3rd person in a realtionship thinking that Im waiting for him to finally leave his gf or wife. But if Im honest I felt confortable in these relationships because I always had a reason to walk away just in case things turn out the way I don't like them. I had the same fear of being bored or not being able to do what i like or not having the energy for my own life if i focus all of it on a guy and his problems. And parelelly I'm always in love with someone who expresses that he doesn't want to be with me. I don't know the reason of it but I suspect it's the narcisistic behavior of my mom that made me be always cautious about what people will want from in return. I could never really believe for long time that someone is genuinly interested. Im always looking for signs of how he might want to use me or what kind of weaknesses are drawing him to me. On the other hand my father was always away for work in other countries and even at home he was emotionally unavailable. I learned to shut him out, i barely feel anything about him. I honestly forget about his existence most of the time. Now Im living abroad since 2,5 year and he never called me and so didn't I. Although my parents are not divorced or anything.
This is just the beginning. I have no idea how to actually solve this issue but at least now I know I have it. Thank you for sharing and giving hope that people can overcome these patterns.
Thank you for speaking out frankly. I can relate to every single word.
Dude this is absolutely amazing, you described me exactly and even better how to get better!!!!
Thank you Eric! I am glad I could be of help :). If you ever need further support feel free to reach out!
Hi, I really enjoyed this video! It was like a difficult problem, almost incredible to sort out! I have not suffered from commitment fobia myself, but I know some people who have! Thank you for sharing your own experiences and important tips to treat this almost unkown problem
i’m going through this right now! i have such an amazing girl in my life who i don’t want to lose her. however the idea of marriage absolutely scars me!
Great stuff man! I’m dealing with something similar. I feel like this girl and I are a pretty good match in lots of ways, but at the same time I just feel an inexplicable need to restrain myself. I feel like I’m not prepared for this relationship. Like she was introduced to me by a mentor of mine who trust a lot. But I wasn’t planning on dating anyone. I wanted to take time to settle a few mental and logistical details in my personal life, then sit down, really think about what I want in a partner and who I need to become in order to attract her. Then I wanted to work on myself, remaining single intentionally until feel, deep down in my soul, that, yes, I’m FINALLY ready before proceeding to come up with a plan for finding a mate. I still like this idea, but I’m split minded. On the one hand I want to follow that plan. On the other I want to be with her and just say forget it, this is whom I’m going to be with and I’ll just forget about what could have been if I followed that plan. I think the split mindedness is the real problem. I need to decide whether or not I want to follow that plan and not leave the door open for a mate if I do until I’m ready according to my plan. Or if I just want to forget the plan or change the plan.
I can literally see myself in almost every detail you described! Thank you so much! I buy your book!!
thanks a lot!!! :)
I have been struggling for the past 3 years with a crippling commitment phobia.
If I am in a relationship, the phobia can grow so strong, I feel as if my heart will shut down.
The struggle is I do fall in love but always end up running away.
Loosing my freedom, questioning love and "missing out" are just some of the reasons why I feel I have this problem
Thanks for your comment! It is totally normal to have this feeling of your heart shutting down whenever experiencing commitment phobia. I'd be glad to hear more about you and this issue. If you want to share so that we can see how I could be of help to you, you can write me at javier.penalba@transmuteyourself.com and we can further explore this issue. In the meantime, all the best to you!
Watch how to heal fearful avoid attachment
Thank you for the video. This is very much an issue I have, and am so tired of ruining relationships.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I relate so much to this and I am grateful for the internet so that people like you can share your story and people like me can realize that they are not alone and learn from each other 🙏
Thanks a lot to you for your comment John!!! All the best to you. You are definitely not alone!!!
Ouch, just the videos I needed to see, thank you so much for sharing your experience and advice in a very well articulated video!
Thanks a lot Christopher!!! Don't hesitate to contact me if you ever need help!
@@transmuteyourselfcoaching1289 Thank you, I was curious if you could give us any insight for knowing the difference between moving on when you know you're partner isnt right for you VS moving on due to commitment phobia etc. ?
@@christophermerrill8463 Hi Christopher! Thanks for your question, I have one video where I talk a bit about that topic, you might want to check it out! czcams.com/video/N-7x87hwRGo/video.html
@@transmuteyourselfcoaching1289 Thank you, I actually just noticed that today and watched it because I find your content resonates and is very helpful, thank you very much!
This is very helpful. Thank you very much for helping me understanding my boyfriend. I've watched many videos about this topic but this it the only one I leave my comment. It's really helps and I take lots of notes. I really appreciate that you speak with first person angle and it makes lot of sense to me when I look back to our own relationship.
Thank you for your kind message! I can imagine it is also not easy for you being with a partner that has a fear of commitment, so receive my best wishes and encouragement in this process!
Working through this issue as a personal shortcoming. Thank you for this
Hi Preston thanks for your comment. I wish you the best going through this and don't hesitate to ask for my support if you feel you need help.
Thanks for your work! It came as a light to my life!
Thank you!
Thanks so much. Your video described me perfectly. I've been dating a wonderful and patient woman and altho I feel she is the perfect woman for me I still have to fight the urge repeat my old habit of running. Nice to know I'm not alone. I hope you can help me
Hi WM! Thanks for your comment! It is never too late to find out about this; when I myself did I had many aha moments and it marked the beginning of some deep work on myself regarding this topic that allowed me to make progress. Indeed you are not alone! We'll be in touch soon!
Dude, this is really good. Thank you very much! It feels good to hear from someone else's experience
Thanks David! Yes, you are not alone! 😌
Thank you for sharing your process man. It is really relatable and helpful 🙏🏻
I was looking for some answers and found them all in your video.
Looking forward to reading that book of yours.
You are welcome!!!
And the book is almost done, will announce it soon!
As an FA, I definitely think that life is too long to spend it with someone who makes us unhappy. Happiness is my ultimate goal in life - and there are different versions of happiness.
Hello! I below that no matter what your attachment style is, you don't want to spend your life with someone that makes you unhappy! You want to choose properly, looking for someone that you can connect with and share some common values. And of course, you can also be happy without someone! However, that doesn't mean that you cannot be happy with someone.
As an FA, it is easy to dismiss relationships easily out of the fear of being hurt - but not everyone wants to hurt us. It is by going through that fear, accepting that we can be hurt but that we can come out alive on the other side, and by going all in with someone that wants to travel in your same direction, that you can slowly build the confidence and the basic trust needed to connect and love.
If you want support please don't hesitate to write me here www.transmuteyourself.com/work-with-me , take good care!
I’ve been struggling with this for 20 years.
Hi Mohammed! Thanks for your message. How is this issue affecting you and what are you doing to overcome it?
I would read the book
Hello!
I cannot explain how glad I am you explained how I feel! I have been battling with this for couple of months now. I'm glad I realized this early on and didn't let the anxiety sabotage my relationship. Is there a way to contact you and have a chat? I would love to share the experience and maybe ask for some advice. Thanks for the great video and thanks for talking about this.
Hi Djahangir! Thank you for sharing with us! I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling with this but I am glad that you didn't let the anxiety sabotage your relationship, great job from your side as this is not an easy task at all!
I would definitely love to hear more from you in a brief 10-15 minute call to understand your situation better and see how I could be of help to you. Please use this link to book a day that suits you: calendly.com/transmute_yourself/15min . Talk to you soon!
Done! Talk to you soon!
Thank you! Could you please list the books that helped you out?
Definitely! But even before sharing others' books, I wanted to let you know that I am writing my own on this topic and you can subscribe here to be notified about its release www.transmuteyourself.com/book-from-fear-to-love and get news from me.
The one that helped me the most with fear of commitment was Yes, No, Maybe from Stefanie Stahl, and also her The Child in You to understand myself better. For the ROCD bit, one that I liked was "Sin Miedo" from Rafael Santandreu, who describes the OCD cycle neatly and provides a good method for it (but it is in Spanish).
New sub! All my friends tell me that I’m too picky and that I’m never going to find the perfect man, but I now realize I have fallen in love with extremely flawed men and in fact chased them bc it felt safer than turning around and committing to a healthy man. I don’t know if I’m the only one but I legitimately get physically repulsed when I get too close to them. Like it has happened that I need to get drunk in order to be able to have $*x with them. How do I overcome this?
I am going to be very direct with the best intentions.
-If your pulled towards flawed men, what about them makes the dynamic feel familiar and 'safe'? Reason I ask this because often in our childhood we have had someone close to us be very flawed. The brain learned that this is normal and since the brain is very lazy it will always look for familiar patterns. Why does the brain love selfsabotage? Because going against your programming (even bad ones) requires looking at yourself, the repressed problems and pain and it takes a lot of HARD work. The brain tells you not to do this because its painfull to look inward.
-If you can't commit to a healthy man. Do you feel worthy of him? This behavior often is linked to low self esteem. Can you accept a compliment without being wary they want something from you? Understand that chasing bad partners is all about control. Making bad choices means you choose your pain and people rather choose pain then feel powerless. Because acceptance is too painful.
-Your physical repulsion is about your nody programming. Something about the dynamic feels unsafe. Often this happens when opening up feels dangerous due to vulnerability. Your body is programmed (even with bad programming) to always protect you. Your body makes you feel bad to prevent you to open up because you might get hurt. Getting drunk will reduce selfcontrol so it also reduces the control response to become unwell.
Its alot of text. Let it sink in if something makes sense and feel familiar.
Healing is pain before happiness, best of luck.
@@onnol917 thanks for the comment, it makes a lot of sense. I've been working on all of these issues the past months and I'm now in a relationship with a healthy man, but to do this, I've repeatedly had to go against what my mind tells me, against the old familiar programming and it has not been easy. I think it's a long process and hopefully one day it will come naturally!
@@nickyseize7097 What did you do that helped? I really relate to what you said, especially feeling physically repulsed and wanting men with commitment issues to match my own. Wish you the best.
what do you think of using anti anxiety drugs to reduce the fear?
how about using them at least in the beginning of a relationship until we are used to each others company?
Thanks for your question, I think that can be of help if it is unmanageable otherwise, but please see a psychiatrist that can examine and see if there is a need for it first and make sure that the treatment comes along with some form of therapy. In my experience, those things did help me for some time but as long as I did not address my own issues (e.g., pain from my past, unprocessed emotions, limiting beliefs, etc.) the anxiety would easily come back as soon as I stopped the treatment. Working on the root causes plus meditating or other activities can also have a similar effect but in a more sustainable way than medicine.
Do you have questions about the fear of commitment? If so, I will be responding to questions and talking about my experience on April 26th from 18:30 CET to 19:30 CET, sign up below! www.eventbrite.de/e/ask-a-former-commitment-phobe-qa-fear-of-commitment-tickets-592694022777
11:56 you better have to think long term when you want to marry someone
hello! of course you have to think and make a conscious choice, what you don't want to is to overthink or to fall into the trap of obsessing over flaws or finding silly excuses not to commit with someone out of fear.
Was there anything your fiancé did to help you with your healing journey?
Thanks for your question Veronica!
I think a mutual agreement of open communication where I could share how I was feeling without her entering into full judgment or drama mode, helped a lot in my healing process. Also giving me the space I needed to figure myself out and being compassionate, without taking my own reactions or behaviors too personally, was key for things to work out. For this she also had to work on some of her own issues, so it has been really a mutual learning journey that's still ongoing!
How about you? May I know how this specific topic is of interest to you? 😊
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