POV: Abnormal Grieving at Death Visits (Hospice Nurse)
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- čas přidán 5. 06. 2024
- For all my “abnormal grievers,” new nurses, nursing students, and experienced nurses new to hospice- there is NO normal way to grieve. Be quick to empathize and slow to judge.
If you like reading, my book “The In-Between” is 12 patients whose advice and experiences changed my life. Its been a NYT bestseller for 17 weeks & is being made into a TV series by NBC Universal!
www.nursehadley.com/book
As soon as my father's body was removed, Mom had many appointments. Every bit of medical furniture, equipment, devices, supplies, etc was removed from the home, especially the master bedroom. The caretaker helped us to rearrange all of the furniture back to original positions. We removed all of the medical clutter, and scoured everything clean. Then all of the doors and windows were opened to the fresh air, despite it being a frigidly cold March day. In a matter of hours, Mom had her home back. She was able to breathe better. She could visibly begin to relax. She could begin to grieve the loss of Dad, her best friend, the man that she had spent 46+ years with. She could focus on as many good shared memories as possible, not on the horror of his 18 months of decline after a major stroke. She was willing to have as many caretakers, helpers, medical equipment, and everything else to make it possible for him to be at home. But she needed to restore her house to a home, to spend time in a peaceful environment that they had built and shared, before the friends and family began to gather. We didn't have a funeral. We had a Celebration of Life.
My condolences. Thank you for sharing. To a lot of people it might look, at first, like she was erasing him, and it's important that people understand that that's not the case. We could all wind up supporting a loved one who is grieving "abnormally", and you sharing your family's story may help them do that in a compassionate way.
What a beautiful way of handling grief. I had a very close friend who was married about 40 years to a wonderful nurse. We quickly became close friends. She was born with a kidney disorder and told she should never have children. She ended up pregnant with beautiful twins. Her kidneys failed and had several transplants which eventually failed. Through dialysis, she was able to watch both daughters graduate with Master's degrees. Years passed and she became weaker by the day. After over 20 years working full-time and serving as caretaker, she passed with her husband and daughters by her side. The girls had moved out years earlier, but he did the same thing. Hospice workers helped him return all medical equipment and dispose of supplies and medications. Meds were returned for destruction. He scrubbed everything and opened windows within 24 hours. His daughters were shocked and upset, but this was his way of dealing with grief. He finally sat down with photos and cried until he was emotionally drained. We all handle grief differently. In the end, his daughters realized what he was going through. Several years later, they traveled to the Grand Canyon and spread her ashes in a place that was sacred to both.☮️
I didn't understand when my mom did this. She even got rid of his clothes quickly. Now I understand
@@cynthiaholland13 I'm glad that I could help you to gain a better understanding. Mom and I spent the week going through the closets and designating what to keep and where all other items in his wardrobe would go. Except for a few key items of clothing, it was all gone. It gave her something to focus on. It also was a way for her to alleviate some of her loss by helping others. Keeping all of that stuff behind closet doors was just going to exacerbate her pain. Making sure that others had the benefit of his clothing and shoes, especially how expensive it is to purchase items that tall men need, it was a way for her to intentionally sow joy at a time of great pain.
@@elizabethbottroff1218 that's a beautiful perspective. Thank you for sharing.
When my 50 yr old son died, I had to keep moving. I found him, did CPR, all the arrangements, while caring for his 8 yr old son. If I stopped for one minute, I'd be overwhelmed and would not be able to do the necessary things.
I understand that feeling. Gotta keep the momentum going. When my mom died I had to do the same for me and my younger sibling. But eventually I lost that momentum and it took years to get back on track… I hope you and your grandson are doing as well as possible.
@sweetbean9218 I am so sorry for your loss.😢❤
And that is understandable ❤
God bless you Darling. I'm so sorry for your suffering.
When my Mom passed unexpectedly in 2022, I had a sick Dad (Alzheimer's) and 4 kids (single Mom) to take care of. Stopping to grieve wasn't an option. I had to do my grieving as I continued to run around and take care of everyone and everything. Got called heartless by one of my sisters- more than once. I didn't have time to stop. Barely had time to remember to breathe. If it hadn't been for not having a choice but to keep going, I'd be in a very deep, very dark hole still to this day. I'm actually grateful now.
My father died at home in the middle of the night. My son lives with them and he and mom knew the time was getting close. My son is a night owl so he would stay up during the night with his grandpa. When my father died, the nurse came out and my son assisted her. My mom, married 60 years, could not. She said she just couldn’t bear to touch him after he died. She said she will be forever grateful for the hospice team and my son/her only grandchild.
I gave my grandpa a final kiss on his head after he passed and I forever regret it. It didn’t feel like my grandpa and that’s the last memory I have w him 😢
@@joyfulhomemaker8053don’t regret it at all, you got to see that he left behind his earthly vessel like a shell, his soul is eternal and there’s nothing to feel bad about
@@joyfulhomemaker8053I hope it's ok to reply - I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I had a similar experience to your kiss when my grandfather died. I was young and my mother insisted on us all going to see him at the funeral home. I hated it. It didn't look like him. His face was wrong and he looked too small. It haunted me.
A few years later, I was talking about it with a colleague, who happens to be a psychologist, and she said three things that really impacted me. First was that, if I hadn't seen him, I may have spent years feeling guilty and wondering if I should have. Although it was an awful experience, it gave me a definitive answer on what to do in similar situations in the future. She said to think of it as him continuing to guide me and teaching me one final lesson.
The second thing she said was that him looking so different was a sign that he had gone and that, if I allowed it to be, it could subconsciously help me to grieve him, because I knew that he was gone and that I could see that his body could no longer support him.
Lastly, she said that many people focus on their last interaction with someone, and that it's actually the focus we place on that interaction that haunts us more than anything. She said to look back and think about my other interactions with him over the years and remember that not all were good, but the only negative I was choosing to highlight in my mind was that last time - because it was the last time. She said if I took time periodically to remember the good times, and place focus on them, then I would find, over time, that last viewing to be less powerful. Still upsetting, but not as powerful in my mind, and not the first memory my mind went to. She was right, and it has really helped me limit the damage of that moment.
Apologies for writing you an essay, but I'm sharing all of this because your experience sounds really similar to mine, so I hope that these things can help you as much as they have helped me.
Sent with love and respect 💖
@@t-and-p
Thank you for the kind message
@@t-and-p Thank you for your reply. It isn’t the prevalent memory I have when I think of my father but it has always bothered me that he was so cold when I saw him at the funeral home. I wasn’t there when he died so my stepmother arranged for me to see him even though they hadn’t yet prepared his body for viewing. It’s an awful memory because he was grayish and cold and I really knew at that moment that he was really dead but I would regret more not having a chance to see him alone and say goodbye. I think your psychologist friend is right that it was a really helpful moment to start really grieving. Thank you for being kind to @t-and-p. People on the internet so often aren’t. 😊
It was before she died but I remember a young hospice social worker being confused by me when asking me about my grandmother. He wanted to know if he could support her with any end of life concerns (life after death, staying by her side when sad, etc), I told her she didn't care about that but if someone could come help her play bingo that would be fantastic. We'd watched her go through several life-threatening medical crises over the past several years and had already somewhat grieved as we thought she was going to die before. We also knew a) she didn't like talking about her feelings and especially with strangers, b) she was more than ready for her time to die after all the painful things she went through (but in a matter of fact way not a suicidal way), and c) she lived for the small simple pleasures in life, now mostly gone due to her declining mobility and dementia. He looked at me like I was crazy and insensitive for not being sad about her dying nor requesting emotional support. Really, bingo or card-playing support allowed her to participate in one of her few joys she had left... And we wanted her to have whatever joy she could.
Oh man...that sounds so ignorant on his part. People don't owe it to anyone, especially a stranger, to be sad or act sad.
When my brother died unexpectedly his wife was pushing for everything to get done quick. I was offended. But I was thinking of him as my brother and not her husband. I can’t imagine losing my husband, especially at a young age with kids still at home. Literally any response would be possible under that degree of stress.
When my grandmother passed, the whole extended family went home and isolated for a week with flu-like symptoms. We had been grieving the progression of her dementia for several years. So when her body expired, we simply had no energy left. Couple weeks later I took great pleasure in firing my therapist because she told me I was being "avoidant."
lol good for you, when you gain a macroscopic perspective everything changes.... keep going 💖
It’s unfortunate the therapist could not appreciate all of the anticipation grief you may have experienced leading up to the passing of your grandmother. I am sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking to me as anyone who has known someone with dementia knows that person was lost long before the body dies. I’m glad you were able to honor and care for her until the end.
@@Crystal5672catsooh anticipation grief.
What a great phrase to describe the awful limbo state.
@Crystal5672cats Thank you. She transitioned during early 2020 and my family was extremely lucky. With her permission we pulled her out of her assisted living within hours of their locking down. After several weeks of home care we were able to find a hospice facility that allowed visitors on a limited basis. So my family was able to experience privilege denied to millions that year - a normal death. None of us took it for granted.
@@theamazingbiff wow... happy for you 👏How did you know not to be afraid ? Gov stats here in Canada say they knew 10% were "unreachable"; it's more, they want you to think it's less/feel alone. You are never alone, God bless you and your family.
I can totally identify. My 90 - year- old mom passed recently. I was with her night and day for 2 weeks. The chores that kept me occupied were the only way I could cope. As long as they gave me purpose, I didn't have to admit the reality of my mom being gone.
Sorry for your loss 💜
Couldn’t agree more. I’ve had pt’s families that want to be very involved with preparing their loved one for the funeral home, and those that can’t handle being in the room with them once they’ve passed. Everyone handles grief and loss differently, but one thing remains the same: their love for their loved one. ❤
Love how you spell your name!
Haha thank you! Same to you! 😉
When my husband passed, I tried to hold it together for everyone else, once everything was handled, and I was alone, that's when I broke down. I have always been a care giver of some sort, infant to elderly, disabled, mental, animals, if it needed to be cared for, I was the one. I have also always had to be the strong one. Reliable dependable responsible. I'm sure everyone thought I was crazy too. They don't see the broken part of me
❤
I am this person for my family and friends, also. The one everyone relies on to be strong. I am guessing that, like me, no one is strong for you. The very few times I've asked for help, I've been told I can handle it.
Don't stop asking for help if you need it!
We see you.
You should copy what you wrote here, onto the first page of a journal. 🙌🫂🙏
I am that person also. It's HARD when you are the one that gets everything together and comforts everyone. Everything settles and I look around here I am alone having to comfort myself. 😒
This is so kind and nonjudgmental, thank you Nurse Hadley.
Those of us who have been caregivers for our loved ones are on autopilot, just so we cannot lose our minds, while we lost our loved ones. It's a dark place to be when you are alive but feel dead inside.
I was my Dad's caretaker and his last 6 months were a steady, but obvious decline. He went to the hospital when he fell and got sick, spent 6 days at a rehab, and was doing better, before he crashed and was sent back to the hospital. I kinda knew it was coming. All the signs were there and the day before he went back to the hospital, he was visioning. And when I saw him the next morning at the hospital, he had the terminal secretions. The doctors/nurses all kinda gaslit us and kept running tests and setting up therapy and rehab for him to get moved to, but I could tell it was coming. During a lull in all the "visits," we were sitting quitely (he had finally got to sleep and wasn't seemingly distressed anymore), a nurse came in and said his heart rate was dropping fast, and it looked like it was time. My brother and I held his hands as he passed. My sister was on her way, but was glad she got there 10 minutes late. She said she would not have been able to handle being there earlier. We all handle what we can handle. Both of them took care of all the after stuff. I just couldn't do that. I miss him. He was 90 years old and died 8 years and 10 days after Mom died from cancer.
I love how calm your voice is when you talk to clients, it’s so calming😊
With my career as a pediatric medical social worker, many children on my caseload were terminal. It was an exceptionally tough job, however, I never looked at it as a job. You have got to be the best hospice nurse I've ever seen. Your compassion is out of this world. I'm a strong believer in God and my faith is a continuous work in progress according to my priest. You were Heaven sent and doing something beautiful with your life.I truly believe that our Lord has a special place for you in Heaven. God bless 🙏🏻✝️❤️🌹
Thank you for the very important service you give through your career to those children and their loved ones!
@babytexan3038 Am making a leap of faith, assuming you were referring to me. I came to love each child and their family. I have memories that will never leave me. The smiles, tears, and especially their little arms around my neck. The hand-made cards and calls in the middle of the night. It was also costly. As my marriage suffered tremendously. My ex became angry and jealous of the time I spent with these innocent children. I filed and let her go to find what would make her happy. I retired early and have devoted my life to our Lord and helping others. I am finding peace with my two small fur baby rescues. These little boys are 8 years old but remind me of two year old toddlers. 😂
I did this for a week after my mom died. I took care of her and saw her take her last breath.
Can you tell us more what that was like ? My brother was w my mother when she passed, I feel like I missed something important.... Thank you for your comment 💖
❤
@Anonymous-km5pj if you really want to know so it brings you comfort, I can tell you if you like. i have been their when my mum, dad , father in law and my neighbour passed. They were all different. i but i dont want to cause you any further upset. i can tell you if you like but I dont know if there is a way to message you. Take care ❤
People grief differently and sometimes people can be under shock, sometimes emotions come much later.
Your channel helped me care for my mom through hospice. I appreciate what you’re doing. I learned so much.
The most normal thing about grief is there is no normal. Everyone is different, some people show no emotion, some fall apart, others carry on as if nothing happened. We need to not judge and let them know we will be there if/when they need us. It's good to check up on them, ask how they're doing or invite them to lunch. Sometimes they need to talk but don't want to burden others. Some people feel abandoned when there's a death, friends may avoid them because they're uncomfortable with the subject.
My friend, 11 years old, 5th grade. Passed in a car crash, along with my grandpa, and great grandma. You aspired me to be a hospice nurse when I grow up.
Sometimes we have to keep finding things to do ya know? Staying busy so we can keep it together and feel useful. Because we know when everyone is gone we will break down and it’s really scary. You are such a light ❤
You've got me crying today, Hadley. Thank you for being the wonderful human you are. You are truly called to this. I wish you many, many blessings.
Thank you so much for posting about this, my nana is living in house with us right and the nurses are always constantly in and out, she is dying. She’s in organ failure right now and I know she isn’t gonna last more than a couple days at most. But seeing videos like this and how much you care has set me at ease. She said today that she’s ready to go, I’m upset and I don’t know how long I’m gonna need off school to grieve after, but knowing that she’s made peace and that she’s ready to go with no regrets makes me feel just a little bit better. Again, thank you for posting content, it’s been a great help for me in coming to terms with her eventual death.
Grief can be like the ocean…calm and serene or huge and overwhelming, it can come & go…It just depends…How people handle grief is as different as people are…
As someone who has worked in a nursing home and then also in private duty and on hospice care, I appreciate these videos thank you so much
I've had this same conversation with so many students veterinary nurses around euthanasia. It's funny, clients sometimes apologize for crying, but the nurses expect that. When they see someone all calm & not wanting to be with their pet it can be confusing. I remind them that there's no wrong way to grieve.
If anything I only feel bad that some clients don't get to see for themselves how peaceful it is. I think our minds can imagine things being much scarier than reality. I think that can be true of human death too, to a degree
I was with my mother when she passed (on hospice). I immediately got the nurse but didn't go back in. I didn't even do the official ID when she was in her coffin because I never wanted to see either of my parents dead.
That's a completely fair request. Better to remember them alive and full of love.
When I lost my 6yo daughter, my experience was very different. Because it was expected and she was so young, I was holding her for hours and loving her from this life to the next. It gave me comfort to do the many cares after, but I have memories of her body and how it wasn't really her. I don't regret my decision to do those cares for her. It was the right decision for me. It's not the right decision for everyone. It would have been extremely difficult for her father to do the same. He was also there when she passed, but when she was gone, he turned to caring for our surviving children.
There's no wrong way to grieve.
I wish I knew nurse Hadley when my dog died.
I know it was just a dog but he was my world because I grew up with him. His presence helped me through very complicated and confused moments of my life. Honestly he was the best friend I ever had.
When he died I reacted badly. I had no experience with grief prior to this and him leaving broke me so much that I stopped talking.
I wish I saw those videos at the time. It would have helped
No such thing as “just a dog.” Our dogs are better at understanding real love than humans. Dog spelled backwards is God.
Sometimes I don't know what is more difficult. Watching your videos or reading the comments. Both are usually tear jerkers. I'm just so glad there are people such as yourself to do the hard work. You truly have a gift and I think you're right where God intended you to be. ❤ from Jersey
When my dad passed away and my sister and I got the call to come see him. That's when it all hit and I didn't know what to do or say. I was so numb and I didn't want to believe it yet even though we knew it was getting closer. Being from the nursing field I could at times see myself trying to block everything like he was a patient so I spared my hurt, which now I wish I didn't because now there is so much I wish I would have said or talked with him prior to him passing. Losing someone so close is very hard.
This in a strange way reminds me of the opposite end of the spectrum. I once had a patient whose daughter was the main caregiver -- and her response to his death was almost more than I could handle - I thought she was going to tear me up and that is why almost 40 years later I still remember that night. Basically, she was blaming me and the medical community for allowing her father to die.
My husband is a military Chaplain. One of his most difficult duties to day was being present to notify a family that a member of his unit died in the line of duty. (4 died, 1 civilian, 3 unit members). He said the mother fainted.
When it came time for a memorial gathering for all three members, he avoided that mother in order to avoid causing her more trauma. She did speak with him but didn't recognize him. Blamed the notification team for not notifying them earlier....(it occured 12 hours prior and takes time just to get in contact with people, those people to drop what they're doing, get in uniform, and travel to the necessary meeting points.)
He understands and takes the blame from her because she needs a target for her emotions. It minimizes other potentialtargets. The father (understands my Husband's position) recognized him but didn't reveal his ID to his wife and helped them avoid each other.
Thank you for your work and taking on that burden. I can't imagine what it's like.
Sounds like you were dealing with a narcissist, maybe a psychopath. My mother-in-law still blames the ambulance driver for being too slow "causing" her mother to die. Uh... she was 80-something. Old age. But she can't accept reality, acts like her mother would still be alive at 120 if only that ambulance driver had driven faster. 🙄 Some people are delusional about death coming for us all and can't survive their grief without blaming someone. It's twisted.
It's great that you didn't take offense or get argumentive even with your co-worker when she took offense. You must be an expert at quickly being able to read people and know how to speak to them. That is an very valuable assect to have.
How is your home remodel project coming along? :)
Her levels of wholesome is enough to make me cry
When someone passes, there is, unfortunately, a lot to do.
For a lot of people, the grief hits you after the funeral, when all of the planning is done, and regular life starts to go on without your loved one.
My mom was in poor health and was in hospice care for 6 months before she passed. I grieved hard when she first entered hospice, but I felt a sense of relief when she passed because of how much she had suffered. It hurt still, but the actual grieving for me started when I was about to celebrate my first Holiday season without her (Christmas was her favorite thing in the world).
Grief is hard. And grief is weird, too.
I lost my mom a little over a year ago and was one of her primary caregivers, I can understand the mindset of not knowing what else to do other than care giving. I didn't personally have that mindset when she died, but before the funeral home people came I had sat on the floor of the bedroom crying and holding her hand and talking to her for about an hour. Kind of like one last vigil. I was with her when she passed, holding her hand.
You are an Angel. I wish more nurses/doctors were like you. Having someone tell you next steps when your mind clearly has not caught up to the situation 100% helps immensely! Thank you for sharing this 💖
This reminded me of when my dad passed 5 years ago, we still hadn't made his funeral arrangements and mom started trying to get rid of his clothes. We were all in shock and asked her why she was doing that, she said I don't want to have to see his stuff so we gave her a plastic tub to put his things in as a compromise.
Thanks for rescuing those. I got some clothes from my Grandparents after their death. Brings up fond memories every time I see those clothes now.
I've never been in this situation, but if the time ever does come where I would need a hospice nurse, I hope they are as caring as you. Thank you for helping those who are in need of your care.❤
When my mom passed in Feb. I was constantly trying to get the next steps done. I was so emotionally numb picking out her clothes. I wouldn't let myself slow down to think about her being gone.
You inspire me everyday to be a better person. You are my job inspiration. Hoping to be like you and brighten people’s lives.
When my father died suddenly and unexpectedly, it didn’t click on my sister right away. She treated the many friends who came to the wake just as she had treated them at our home parties. It took her a couple of weeks to come to terms with reality and then it hit her very hard. The whole family was concerned.
I had a friend end herself because she couldn't break out of an addiction. I remember the last conversation I had with her. I remember her sitting on my bed talking to me. I remember ignoring the last text she ever sent me because I was busy playing a game. I still have the old facebook account just so sometimes I can read stuff we said to each other. It took a while but I sent a farewell message to her account, knowing she would never ever read it. To this day I wonder if there was something I could have done or said that would have helped. Now, I don't ignore anyone in pain, no matter what I'm doing.
Please don't blame yourself. Even if you hadn't ignored that last text, I sincerely doubt that your friend would have altered her plans. I spent many years working as an RN and most were in Palliative Care, what you Americans call "Hospice", so even though I've told you that first what I'm going to say is something from my own personal experience. I have planned to end my life many times but 4 times quite seriously. After my husband suddenly proclaimed that he was leaving me for another woman, I absolutely could not deal with the pain. I left my home and my kids with their grandfather, and I took what I believed would end my existence here. But, unfortunately for me then, I woke up hours later in the bush with a massive headache and a bad sunburn. I did end up having to stay in hospital and have someone with me at all times for 72 hours but it was a young female Psychiatrist who said this to me and its always made sense "We cannot stop you from ending your life but we can bring you in here to give you a pause and think more about if it's something you still want to do when you leave here"! I had to retire earlier than I wanted to as I have bad arthritis, chronic pain, and multiple orthopaedic operations, and I suffer constant pain. I understand that this next statement might illicit a response like "you've got to be kidding me" but I am alive because God WANTS me to be here, to provide comfort wherever I can and to whomever I can. I won't get into the details because they hurt too much, but in 2019, I was suffering a LOT emotionally because of domestic abuse. I was just getting prepared to take my life when, completely unexpectedly, my Pastor's wife arrived at my door, saying she felt she should pop in on me. It took me 10 minutes and a full bucket of tears before I could talk, but I explained everything to her. On another occasion, it was 2 tiny days old kittens with a feral mother who fell down behind their cage that stopped me. I'm here now because I have concluded that God won't LET me die, and so I am here talking to you! Your friend had had enough and I think that she ended herself because she just couldn't take it anymore. I'm sure she knew that this would hurt you, but her pain was greater. I hope that she isn't suffering any longer and you bare NO responsibility for what your friend did! Remember the good times and try to live a life that she would be proud to see you living! Be kind to yourself and take care now! From country NSW Australia.
I'm so glad you've had these reasons to keep living, and I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing. Sending caring!
@@michellesartori6695 Thank you for your story. Sometimes it is very hard to find a reason to go on myself, for a completely different situation. Right now, I'm holding out hope about the elections. I don't think I could live in a world where my healthcare is a literal felony. And no, I'm not talking about the pregnancy one. I'm talking about the other big-issue healthcare one that's on the political chopping block. My doctor came out to me and I'm still afraid to come out to him because of what laws might require him to refuse to treat me a year from now. If I go, I won't be leaving anyone behind like my friend did. No friends, family, neighbors, nobody. I am holding out hope for the election but what happens if it doesn't go the way I'm hoping? Do I go back into the closet? I lived in the closet for literally 39 years and just came out 3 years ago. Do I really want to spend the next 25-35 MORE years in the closet? Can I handle that? Can anyone? Elections are temporary, but they tell you the desire of the population and everyone on earth is extremely aware of the views of the 2 politicians running for office, as well as their real-world history. I'm thinking of destroying my entire channel for the sake of my own safety even now. As someone who has seen the "ending" from multiple angles, what do I do?????
My dad died suddenly at home one night. An hour later, Mom got up and started cleaning. It was her way of coping. She did a lot of cleaning in the next few months.
My mother was at her home in hospice. I had spent her five days and nights staying with her. It was the most spiritual event I had ever witnessed. When I woke up on the fifth day from her loveseat I heard silence. I called hospice to come. She had passed. My brain was processing and I went on autopilot. It must have seemed cold to others. They didn’t know I had taken care of her for 10 years watching her slowly go. Please don’t judge anyone’s reaction to a loved ones death. You have no idea.
You brought me to tears today. Thank you for your this.
When my grandpa died after several years of pain and fading away physically and mentally, my grandma was actually incredibly relieved. She got everything with the funeral done, and then immediately began to flourish, because she'd spent the last years locked in her home caring for him and finally she didn't have to see her life partner suffer anymore and could resume living her own life. Me and dad cried a lot, but she had been mentally ready for years at that point.
My great grandmother just passed too weekend ago on Sunday 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
My condolences. ❤
@@cggalan3914 ty
My sympathies to you and your family at this time!
Hadley, you are very good at your role. You have a very kind, understanding demeanor.
It's just like how some people want to go back to work immediately after a loss, and some prefer having some days at home.
I've always needed that routine again, but it doesn't mean I wasn't grieving. Kind of the opposite, I needed a crutch to help keep me going until I was done processing.
Thank you for the validation. I'm certainly not the only one who reacts to death and loss "differently." Note the quotation marks.
I’m my moms caregiver and she has dementia. Her twin sister recently died from dementia complications. I’ve been preparing myself for years. I’m worried that I won’t know how to grieve and move on properly. She always tells me that I will because I know that I gave her my all and she appreciated every moment but wants me to go do the things she couldn’t. Anything else wouldn’t be honoring her memory or myself. So I will be fine. I love that she keeps me encouraged for the moment.
WONDERFUL ADVISE.. LOVE YOUR CHANNEL!❤
I love what you do and the kind of person you are. This made me want to cry, you are so kind and understanding.
That was so real that it made me cry. I remember when my mother was dying and it brought back memories. It's good to watch these videos as it will help those who care for a person who is at the end of their life.
So precious and caring
Nurse Hadley, you’re great
My Dad just passed away unexpectedly, he lives far away and has a good friend in the town he lives in, that is taking care of all of the arrangements, she has called and texted me over 200 times so far and runs everything by me, made it possible for me to not have to fly on an airplane while grieving. What a caring and thoughtful person, also I think this is how she is handling her loss as well. Now I can plan a nice trip to his memorial in a few months and still feel like I have a little closure now. I went back to work after 3 days and have been pulling a lot of overtime. Must be that's how I'm handling it. Great video.
First! These videos have been so helpful as I begin to navigate dealing with the death of my patients.
You are so kind and generous to share this type of information - thank you.
I cannot wait for your tv show to come on I’m soooooooo excited Hadley 🌻🌻🌻
Also, what seems to be “abnormal” grieving may simply be relief. If a care giver has taken care of a dying family member for a long time (and who were probably disabled for a long time before that), they can feel relief that they no longer have to be “strong” and care for the dead person. They can also experience guilt at feeling that relief. It can be a very confusing time.
Everyone NEEDS to see this and hear this!!!!!!
What a wonderful asked compassionate video. God bless you
You are such a blessing!
My dad died at home. My mom spent about an hour with the body before the funeral home picked him up. That was her way of grieving. I was able to let go of my grief by doing my dads after care. He was clean and dressed when the funeral home came to pick up his body. My mom and my brother weren’t able to handle dealing with his body like that but for me it was one final thing that I could do for him. He had what you would call a good death. He never wanted to die in the hospital. He died peacefully in his sleep after slipping into a coma. He got his wish he died at home just as he wanted to.
My mom did this after 50 yrs. She washed his sheets. Gave him a bed bath. Helped him onto the stretcher for the funeral home…2 days later she was wrecked for a few weeks
You're such a wonderful person working in the industry that you work in. You're a strong woman and even though you are way younger than me I look up to you so very much. I very just about every time I see one of your videos.
Hi, thank you. I can only watch a couple of your videos at a time, but that's ok. They make me feel so many things at once. You're an angel.
Thank you for making these videos and especially for writing your book. Last weekend, we lost my step-dad. I did CPR until the paramedics got there. My Mama had days that she was so busy and then days that she seemed she was falling apart. I left your book out for her to read. It has really helped me. Thank you for helping us through our hardest times. Bless you.
You women are amazing.❤❤❤ May God give you supernatural strength to get through your days. You all took care of my Mom in her end days from bc.
My mom obsessed about all of the details of my grandmother's funeral. It was her way of coping.
I did the exact same thing when my Daddy died. I started cleaning my house until I broke down.
You presented this beautifully. Thank you.
I had to ask the doctors and nurses to leave the room before i cried. I needed to lose it and i couldn't bear any of them watching.
Hi Hadley I’m Liv and I love watching your videos and I’d like to say thank you you have inspired me to become a hospice nurse is my number one dream to become a hospice nurse. Thank you for all that you do
Some people think it's weird that I didn't cry over my mom's death from Dementia/ Alzheimers but I did cry it was just I did it before her death honestly. I just spent every chance I had to spend time with her and let her enjoy her granddaughter. She had been born after my mom lost her ability to make memories but it was something my mom held onto. I never knew why it was until after my mom died and my aunt told me, for the past 3 generations before me all the women in her family died before they got to meet their first grandchild. I feel no regret with my mom and how I handled her medical care and her death simply because I did what I felt was best and followed medical advice. She went down hill so quickly though it felt too quick at times.
My daughter did the pick ups for a funeral home one summer when she was home from college. One was of a girl about her age. The mother gently fussed over my daughter's shirt while her husband and the male attendant prepared the pajama clad daughter for the long expected trip to the funeral home. My daughter accepted the mother's need to express her grief.
Thanks for sharing Hadley…another important message.😊
Love your videos. This one hit me hard
I dont have a good story to give, but the lesson is that EVERYONE grieves in their own way. Its not up to us to judge them. For some, keeping busy is the only way to cope with crushing grief.
Hadley, I'm reading your book (audio version.) WOW!!!! ❤ I'm only on chapter 3 and I love it so much!!! Thanks for bringing this into the world.
I was sort of like that when my mom died. I’ve never been comfortable showing a lot of emotion in front of people so I flat refused to visibly grieve until I was alone. It was what I was most comfortable with.
So sad! Made me cry.
How do I keep crying at every single one of your videos 😢
When my sister died, I couldn't really confront my feelings until after things were done being planned and the funeral was over with. It was only when everything was over and things had slowed down that I finally had a serious cry and some time to myself.
This one sucks so bad for me right now. My best friend's mom just passed...I got the message about service while watching this.
This made me cry.
Grief is a heck of a thing and hits everyone differently.
Mom died of alzheimers, after an 8yr battle. My wife and I had the problem dumped on us (24/7) while my brother did nothing, and dad played golf 6days/week.
When dad died this last year (spitting blood 👍) I screamed out in celebration while doing fist bumps.
Sadly, he was still buried with my mom, his wife of 55+yrs, who he crapped on once she got sick. "I'm just not a caregiver, son", he said, driving away in his golf cart.
Now, please god... if only you could provide the same "justice" for my brother.
I can watch horror movies without batting an eye but watching this feels like psychological horror
People don’t talk about how tough life is for caregivers. I have had the chance to talk with several widowers and they were awesome men.
*tears* I can relate so much to this.
i dont think i woulld of been okay if my dads hospice nurse didnt hold me when he died... i called my husband over and over he was at work, he picked up and had a 30 mins drive, i cried and cried in her arms, she kept asking if my son was okay and he was napping, she let me watch the same video over and over of my dad singing baa baa black sheep, she didnt care, i needed a shower, food, sleep, but she just held me until my husband got there. i will forever be greatful even if i knew her only 4 hours
Everyone grieves differently. Each culture has it's own set of "rules" to grieve by. Some people can't let themselves grieve right away because they will fall apart and be unable to cope for a long time. Other times, the relationship may have been difficult or damaged or the death may have been a long time coming and grief may actually be secondary to relief. Don't judge, you're not them.
Women are so accustomed to pushing through, to holding it all together. Falling apart is a luxury we don't always have, or allow ourselves to have.
Very good episode
When my dad (who I had a rocky relationship with) got sick, I immediately stepped up and became his medical power of attorney which meant only I was allowed to call the hospital for updates. Every. Single. Day. For six months I sent a family text. When he died, I felt so numb that I had no emotion until hours later at the funeral home when a family member who barely visited him thought she knew what he wanted for his funeral. I lashed out but I wasn’t going to be argued with that day. It’s ironic that his illness and death gave me back the I’d quieted because of his actions in life.
Oh man I was in shock when each of my parents passed very close together time wise. I’d had no prior experience with death. You just go into a semi-somnabulist state 😢
When my second wife died I told myself it's my grief, I'll do it the way I want
She's shutting it out, and that's a coping mechanism❤ Not everybody is ready to grieve when it's time to grieve... or as sone people see as "time" to
I think its knowing that life must and will go on and a fear that if you stop to give in to it you might not come out. Shock is very real no matter how well prepared you think you are. Everyone in their own ways and times
Thank you for what you do!!!!
I know firsthand that the brain can hijack your emotional center to get you through a trying time until things are safe, and I think that's kinda what goes on with certain types of grieving as well. For me, it was being in a Towering Rage as I limped my way home from the dog attack, until I walked in the front door and all the rage drained away like water and I started sobbing -- I was in a place of safety where my parents could deal with my heavily bleeding leg. If my brain had let me sob earlier in the journey, I would not have been able to get help as fast as I needed it.