I'm 23 and My Mom Expects Me To Take Care Of Her Retirement
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I began nursing school at the age of 45. Life is not over at 46. Your mother should START saving up for her retirement NOW!
I started nursing school when I was 30 and starting working as a nurse at 32. My career ended with a bang about 14 years later when my RA that had been on a slow simmer since childhood turned into a rolling boil and I could no longer work. From that point I started savings after becoming disabled. While it isn't what most people would think is much, but as of today in our retirement account we have $93K. We are already in SS. I have to make withdrawals every year and use it to pay our propane pre-buy so that is only $3000/year. Trying to keep as much in the account as possible just in case we ou tlive SS.
I got my associate in my 20s, and returned for a BS in my 50s. I've taught people in their 50s who returned for a good paying degree. Your mom brought you into this world, and it was her responsibility to raise you properly to the best of her ability. She is not responsible to support you into adulthood. You must be able to support yourself as an adult, and as she is an adult, she must proudly be able to support her own self. As a retired widow, I never intend to count on my children to support me. I worked hard to get independent, and pray to never need to.
Women who make such a demand of 20 something kids will not stop. I've seen this with friends so I have a long term perspective. Many of these young adults lose the opportunity to marry because women in their 20s don't want this baggage so young. If there is no marriage, there is also no children, no grandchildren. I would tell mom to get a job (and a life of her own).
I'm 41, and I started saving up for retirement at the end of last year.
â@@goldengirl5165That should still give you more than 20 years of preparation. đ
23 yr old female with a master degree in Cybersecurity is awesome. Can we just pause and give Catlyn a high five đ!
With a mom that might fight with her over money.
@@ConsidertheCrows To be fair she was smart enough to reach out to Dave..let's just hope she listens.
At least it's not public health administration
@@Stanthemilkman It's in the same league, different story if her bachelor was in computer science.
@@tdgdbs1 what do you mean computer science. I major in computer science and I am currently a Software Developer.
Givers have to know their limits because Takers donât have any.
Well said! đ
So trueđŻ
Amen. I'm sending that comments to a giver who's disabled and caring for another disabled family member because non disabled grown children are dumping her care but taking her money.
Perfect
â@@maryshaffer5675Sometimes I think that givers may have low self esteem that enjoy/thrive flattering words from the takers.
Iâve been taking care of my mother since I was 23. I am 62 now and still taking care of her. Itâs been such a miserable trap. I donât particularly have close relationship with her, but if I donât take care of her she would be out on the street. Kaitlyn, run if you can! Itâs never going to end.
Get her on welfare and get her into a INCOME based apartment..you are to young to be saddled with this
WS your mother nice to you, there a differen e in helping when they are sick because they did it for us, but if she doesn't have money, live below your needs you know,
That was me since I was 19. Iâm almost 40 and it has wrecked my relationship with her. I always thought I just have one mom. Iâm going to hold in my temper when I really wanted to tell her to grow up , you arenât disabled. There isnât any reason why you arenât driving and taking care of yourself like adults do ! My mom has just acted helpless her entire life when she isnât disabled or sick etc but she is very manipulative and I would just keep forgiving for sake of argument. Well I am now in therapy and watching a ton of therapy videos to try to heal from her abusive behaviors. Looking back at my life I should have moved to another state and just kept low contact because maybe then I would be able to have some kind of relationship with her but I am so angry at how I alllwed her to abuse me for years. I donât know how I can mend this relationship. I am planning on moving far away.
Most mandatory relationships are not worth keeping. I realised a long time ago that I have nothing to gain by having a relationship with mother. So, I donât. I just help with her expenses. I havenât seen her in almost 7 years. Sheâs 82. If I donât help out, no one would. Thatâs my curse I suppose. Sheâs been âdyingâ since she was 40. Iâve avoided committed relationships with women because of this. I consider all relationships to be a burden. And I suppose I attract needy women. I would say cut and Run. Nothing good will ever come out of poisonous relationships.
@@yvonne6629 Doesn't make a difference. The parent child relationship is not transactional. You do for your children what you can even if YOU choose to make sacrifices. No child is responsible for their parent. My father told me that and I've said the same to my children.
Her mother knows she has a responsible daughter and is guilting her into taking care of her.
Eeeeeeeeactlyyy!! đŻ
It's greedy gross and sad.
Yep . I have one just like her mother .
This happened to a co-worker of mine. Her mother brow-beat her into buying her just about everything. She became extremely resentful of her mother. Speak up now!
Soon the siblings will be bugging her for money!!!
"I'm the one that made it out", tells us everything we need to know. Her whole family will be coming around with their hand out. All members of the family need to go to Dave's financial class.
Those people who try to guilt you into giving them money by saying how "lucky" you are to have a well-paying job. Ignoring the fact you worked hard to gain your knowledge, and you work hard at your job to make your money. NO to moochers.
More then that, she needs to keep them at arms reach.
đđœ
@@buffymcmuffin5361 No, you are lucky that your chosen field pays well. It's not about "working hard" does an actor who make a million dollars in episode on a sitcom work harder than a roofer who works up on on a house in 100 degree heat nailing down shingles?
@@brockreynolds870 It's not about luck. I chose a field that is in demand, and employers would pay a decent wage for. There's a reason why there's a term "Starving Artist" and not similar terms for Plumbers, Electricians and Carpenters - they don't starve because their skills are in demand.
My father stated when I was 16 that I could help my mother make household bills because he didn't want to pay any more child support. He had gotten himself a new family by then. Now he is on Medicaid in a nursing home and telling me that I need to sell my farm so I can provide him with a place to live. Not happening.
đČđł
His new family can buy him a home. LOL
This must be a joke!
OMG! That is horrendous!
tell him to F-- OFF parents that where not good parents expect a handout
I lept from my seat when I heard the mother is 46 years old! I expected a 70 year old or 80 year old to talk this way, but 46? What a narcissist!
Irresponsible first. Had a kid as a teen.
The 46 yr old Mom was getting her bid in early.
â@@dcg590Where did you get teen mom? It's simple math. The mother was 23 when she birthed the caller, Kaitlyn.
@@dcg590you and your comment likers need to pay more attention to Dave because you canât do elementary arithmetic
@@dcg590 46 - 23 = 23. Mom wasn't a teen when she had kid.
People need to stop treating their children as pensions. If that is the solely reason you want to have kids, your absolutely doing it for the wrong reasons.
I think itâs more like seeing them as plan b. I know plenty of mothers who had good intentions but didnât have follow through, and saw their own kids as a backup plan for their failure. Sad
Many of Dave followers here say they sacrificed to have them and deserve it.
If she is Asian then it is actually expected for children to take care of their parents. But not at 46.
It's like raising a calf just to slaughter it for beef.
But I bet the mom payed for the kids school and thatâs why she has no retirement
My mom is 72 and hasnât saved anything. Iâm 50 and supporting her. Itâs created a lot of stress both personally and on my marriage.
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Yeah I couldnât marry a woman in that situation.
I'm 40 and supporting my 75 year old mother. I'm not married but its terribly stressful for me too. She retired with only 8k in savings and went totally through that in the first few years of her retirement. A few years ago someone said to me "do you still live with your mom"?. I said no, she lives with me. I pay almost all the bills!
@@amydaisy933 Find a low income retirement apartment for her to apply for as soon as she qualifies. There are some in most areas. My mom lives in one in Cullman, AL. It is very nice & she has some older ladies as friends & seems happy there.
She took care of you when you were a baby. Be grateful and take care of your Mom
This happens A LOT in the Black American community. I PRAY that this young woman who has worked so hard to make it out, that she sets Boundaries and perhaps even move away , out of state, like FAR! And begin to LEARN how to set boundaries and set her on financial goals. It so sad when young children fall for a guilt trips that are sure to come. This caller is Black American and Iâm so proud that sheâs done the work.
EXACTLY! There is a cultural aspect that needed to be addressed. Itâs not even just financial, many black parents expect their kids to be their caregivers when theyâre old and have lost limbs from years of uncontrolled diabetes. I see this every single day. They neglect their health AND their finances their whole life, then end up a burden on their children. I swear, some black folks only have children because of what the child will do for them in the future. Itâs disgusting and it needs to be addressed. Iâm sick of old people asking me âwho is gonna take care of you when youâre oldâ because I donât have kids yet. Thereâs So much narcissistic manipulation, guilt tripping and gaslighting in my community! Itâs embarrassing!
Late to the party but this is 100% true! My grandmother straight up told my mom when she was younger that the only reason she had three kids was so that they can take care of her when sheâs older. Now 2 out of the 3 donât even talk to her and my mom is the only one who still has a relationship with her.
Absolutely agreed!! Thatâs the first thing parents say, and use the Bible to back up, their foolishness
@@dewilew2137If itâs cultural then I think it has more to do with socioeconomic class than race. Iâm black and American and I have mostly seen it the other way around where the black parents are supporting adult children who refuse to grow up and take responsibility. I have several sets of cousins who will quit a job on a whim because they know their parents will bail them out financially. I have seen my relatives pay their adult kidsâ rent, buy them vehicles, repair vehicles they wrecked or didnât take care of or let someone else drive. I have seen them pay thousands in attorneys fees after their kids got a DUI or some other arrest. One of my 2nd cousins refuses to get a job that offers insurance so his parents feel like they canât retire although they have had cancer because they need to pay for his coverage. He couldnât care less because he is pursuing this imaginary music career that he dropped out of college for when his parents were paying for it. My family has been mostly middle class for generations and so are more of the black families I grew up around. so it wasnât a matter of âmaking it outâ of anything but a matter of not making their kids work for much. I think perhaps people who grow up in poverty donât realize the pitfalls of overindulgence with children is just as negative as parents stealing their kidâs childhood and mooching off of them. My worry is that when my relatives die their children wonât be able to function because they donât know how to do anything for themselves. My bff told me she already knows when her parents die she is going to have to support her brother. I might be in the same predicament because my brother is content in a deadend job.
Definitely wrong way to use the Bible! â@@miraclemorris2995
My mother told me this same expectation when I was a senior in high school. I joined the Navy. I refused. At 36 I went no contact. Sheâs locked into sickening patterns and I canât be sick with her anymore. Dave nailed it about âPlanning to Failâ. There is no fixing her. Her only goal in life is to be a victim and achieve a rescue. Iâm out. I donât accept that assignment.
I learned that last year with my own dad. Sucks but what can you do.
@@Sam-gc9yp QUIT
Good for you, you found your legitimate boundaries far earlier than I did.
@@Sam-gc9yp nothing. Somebody along this journey of disappointment anger and grief told me: We have the right to live our lives badly if we want. That is true. They are free people who can live however they want. I have to let them and go live mine. Discovering Stoicism and deep diving into that helped a lot. Marcus Aurelius meditations is very good.
I am 60 and I am here to tell you: YOU are CORRECT.
Uh uh, no. 46 year old mother is still young enough to be able to retire herself. I mean if she was physically incapable of moving then of course! But a well able woman? Nope.
It's exasperating. I think it is happening more and more often.
If she's incapable of moving still no...
Yup happy motherâs day to only motherâs that werenât a pain
@@andrew8168 nah, I would help in that case. But a capable person, no way.
Agree! She still has 20 years to invest.. she can retire with 500k if she invests well.
I know the feeling of being the one that âmade it outâ. But trust me you havenât âmade it outâ until youâre financially independent.
Congratulations to this young lady. I hope she doesnât let her family drag her down just because sheâs doing well.
This is why I had to cut my family off to be able to succeed because when I am around them they are all about negativity and drag you to the pits.
@@Tashas_Travels me too
I pray that for her, agreed. Praying that they won't pull her down for doing well in life and that she can have peace and be able to love her husband and take care of her kids while excelling for herself, in Jesus name.
My family ruined my life, is trying to ruin my marriage, and left me homeless
One hard lesson I've learned: Don't do for others that they wouldn't do for themselves or you.
This is so true.
That should be on a T-shirt.
Thatâs straight wisdom
That sounds nice, but that isn't the Christian way. Rise above, treat people better than they could ever treat you.
"Don't do for others that they wouldn't do for themselves or you." - Jesus Christ
We have the same name, and we spell it the same way! Itâs so rare to meet another Krystle. Were you also named after the Dynasty character, Krystle Carrington? Also, your comment is 100% truth!
Itâs sad that her mother is guilting and manipulating her and she doesnât even see it. Baby girl PLEASE do not end up taking care of your mom and your entire family because if you donât set boundaries now, they will ALL view you as their meal ticket.
Agreed. I have experienced what sheâs going through and basically my family sees me as their backup when they mismanage their money. They want my money but not my advice for how to change their situation.
are you sure? my parents expect me to take care of them too.
đŻ
đŻ
The caller said that she loves her mother and wants to do this so don't project your own experience on her. Nobody is guilting and manipulating her.
Her mom sounds just like my Korean in-laws. Their mentality is like, I gave you life, you owe me your life til i die. We were their retirement plan. I told my husband its me or them. He wisely chose me.
I think the opposite is true. They forced life on their children. That includes all the pain and sorrow that comes with all the good and pleasurable elements of life. Therefore, they owe you everything. They made a choice for their children that their children had no say in. Parents owe their children everything, not vice versa.
This is a good example of different culture though, which is what Dave mentioned. Itâs very common is East Asian culture to take care and provide for the parents. A majority of East Asians say they would save their mother from a burning building before theyâd save their own spouse or child.
So sad because I have money and I'm sure my kids want it when I'm gone. Why does everything have to be transactional.
Well in their home country there are no safety nets which is why children are expected to care for their parents. They brought that garbage to this country. There are plenty of ways to prepare for retirement here.
â@@jacquelineglitter4328 bc money doesn't grow on trees.
I was making about what your mom makes (as a secretary), but when I was her age I still had a 7 year old, a 9 year old, and a 14 year old at home. I didnât have much to put away, but had my employer take out 10% of my check for my 401K. I worked about a year past retirement age (but started collecting SS at 66), and was able to retire comfortably enough. We were debt free when I retired, and we live on Social Security. I have a nice retirement account that has yet to be touched after 3+ years. You can start âlateâ, and still save enough for retirement. Weâre not taking trips or being extravagant, but weâre happy. I wouldnât dream of asking any of my children for money!
I started saving late as well, my biggest money sucker was the man I divorced, so I got a late start. Things sure got better afterward. I have always tried to save 10% of my income, and it was often hard. I used the first 401K to divorce him. A GREAT investment. I have never expected to be the one to retire with a million dollars, but have money stashed and get an anuity, a small retirement, and SS, so I'm stable. Is it worth working and saving for 50 years? Absolutely.
The key is âweâ. Iâm guessing your hubby got it doneâŠ..??
And **THANK YOU** for the encouragement on our late but not dead to our retirement.
@@GORT70 He was self employed (very small business) so my job provided insurance, and I was the only one with a retirement account. The reason we live as well as we do is we make do with what we have, donât eat out, and weâre each quite capable of doing home repairs and improvements.
Your experience is not everybody's experience.
My daughter got her bachelors degree and started working toward her Masters when she passed away. I was and is always will be proud of what she accomplished. I never expected her to take care of me.
so very sorry for your loss. You definitely should be proud for everything she experiences and achieved in her lifetime. Big hug to you.
Your mother is responsible for herself.
My mother has never worked. Married my father when she was 19, became a widow when she was 25, her life goal was to stay at home and never work. Since my father died she has relied on other people to give her money: boyfriends, family and from the past 10-12 years, my siblings and I. It really hurts to say it because she is my mother but I resent her. Not only was she absent at times when we were in school because she was out with her boyfriends but now that she is older (in her 50s) she has become a burden. It's an extremely difficult situation and even more when they try to make you feel guilty.
I'm so sorry you're living that reality. Couldn't even think of becoming a burden to my kids! That is awful. Sending warm thoughts.
@@AnnaRamstrom Thank you
â@@kirapoodleyou can get out of that believe me, especially if she wasn't there for you
Time to tell her you canât give money anymore. She can get a job. 25 years of mooching has just come to an end.
My mom has done that to me my entire life. I pretty much have helped her with a ton of things ever since I was 19 from driving her to grocery stores weekly , to the bank , dr appointments , get her meds , I paid her rent when she was about to get kicked out and be homeless ( bc she gave some man thousands of dollars that he wouldnât not pay back ) and the list goes on. My mom was never disabled or sick. She was perfectly able to drive herself like an adult ! It has wrecked our relationship and right now I am very low contact and plan on moving away. I have been used and abused way too long with silent treatments and guilt trips and I have had it.
My father did this same thing to me 10 years ago when I was her age. Now he's 63, still hasn't saved anything for retirement, and it has become a huge contention between us that I'm not going to provide for his retirement. She definitely needs to nip this right now.
He is not loving you by using you like a personal servant instead of his child. Maybe you should then demand he make you his financial trustee and legal guardian then you are in control of his finances, where he lives, etc. See if he still wants you to take over.
What a shame, I tried to give my parents money to help with lawyer fees for issues they were having and they wouldn't hear it at all. Kept trying to push it on them until my mother started crying and got mad at me because she was so upset. Parents shouldn't expect things from their kids, kids should expect help from their parents. Unless there is a medical condition stopping them from working of course.
Mine never bothered either and now has dementia so I am lumbered in the toxic burden and there is no inheritance or property and I am isolated
My dad is 61 and crying that he can't buy a $3000 laptop. He has NOTHING saved or invested. He keeps buying TOYS. Oh my God. Someone spank these boomers.
Did you sign him up for Dave s course and go with him?
My parents weren't able to save up a lot for retirement due to putting my sister and I through college. They have been the best parents and worked hard before and after coming to the US.
They never asked me to take care of them for retirement but I just wanna return the favor they did to my life. đ
You are a good child of your parents. God bless you and multiply everything you do for her .
Thats nice. Some people grew up in dysfunction with parents, maybe they were abusive and showed little to no interest in their kids life. Not everyone will feel like you do it depends on the relationship they had with their parents.
I really think it's admirable when a person grows up in an abusive environment and helps their parents anyway.
I doubt this woman was able to pay for her daughterâs college.
yeah but the mother in this vid is 46. I'm 44 and I'm able and capable. I could work until 60 or 70. Also I watch dave ramsey and it's never too late to put 10 percent in the vanguard 500. She still has 20 years to do that. Every human being is responsible for themselves. Children are not insurance policies. This is bad behaviour
Good for you.
46 is still young enough to save for retirement!!!
I started my retirement at 35. Yes, it's late but I feel much better that I at least started before I'm too close to my 60s. I hope the mother takes responsibility for herself.
You will get there!
Itâs a lot better than starting at 40! Go get âem! You got this!
â@@r.douglas238 Or 42! đłđđŒââïžđ€ŠđŒââïž
@@LDM805 It's never too late. Keep at it!
Oh you goood!
My mother worked 70 hours per week and gave up everything to raise me and my brother, put us in private school, she didnt date, never remarried and did a great job. She doesnt have much for retirement. Me and my brother were the 1st people in our family to graduate from college. We are both doing very well for ourselves, my mom will never see the inside of a nursing home or eat cat food. I would not be where i am if it werent for her. I will be a millionaire by the time im 40.
â€đđżđđżđđżđđżđđż
Made this mistake when I started my business. Some of my family began to stress me out. I was paying bills out of guilt. I was always reminded how I came as an immigrant and should give back. No one talks about how hard I worked as a single parent after my divorce in the Army.
I recently took advantage of my Army benefits and just graduated from a Cybersecurity bootcamp. Still make great money in my business and was offered a remote position. This time I said nothing to my family. Lucky for me, I'm in my 30s married & invested well in real estate. I learned from the mistakes I made in my 20s.
good for youâ€well deserved!
I just turned 50 & have been emotionally supporting my Mother since about age 6 & financially supporting her since age 16. She doted on my brothers, gave them all her time, love, care & resources $$ & really set them up for successes... me not so much. God helped me & made me successful.
Fast fwd to today: my brothers are married w kids while I'm 50 & unmarried & funding my 71yr old Mother's high end lifestyle while she remains an abusive, narcissistic victim... I'm praying & taking babysteps to get my brothers more engaged & at least take 1 step back so that the pressure can be relieved & I can focus on myself & have my own family.
It's a work in progress... it sucks.
Heads up to all the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers out there... be careful!!
Itâs gunna cripple you if it ainât already, cause your siblings have family doesnât mean it falls on you, id get out, seems shit to say but you wont have much of a life left
Maâam, leave your mother alone! Donât worry, your brothers will be forced to pick up their slack
I would NEVER put the burden of "taking care" of me onto my son! He is not responsible for me when I am older whatsoever! Ugh some people thinking their kids owe them is ridiculous!
I take joy in knowing that my kids are living their lives free and clear. I'd rather be dead than to live off of my kids. Seriously.
@@reggiebenson9172 you're a good parent
That's why having children makes no sense.
I think we should take care of our parents when theyâre disabled, but to put this much weight on your child when you can do it yourself is called lazy. People like this was never an adult by heart.
@@NoneYa-pg6dk Yes, you're right.
Unfortunately, this is very common in this sandwich generation. Parents are expecting their kids to take care of them while their kids also take care of their own.
This is why I tell my friends, when you get the chance, move as far away as possible
Yes it is . I am in my 40s and some of us were also guilted into this starting in our 20s
Huh, since when is it common that kids take care of their own? The average age of those who move out from home is increasing every year, and it was long before the excuse of corona and rising rent and everyone having anxiety now.
A lot of single mothers
This is a good argument for abortions and I'm pro-life.
I have a coworker who talks like that. Sheâs in her 50âs now but has always talked about having her kids buy her the cars she wants and taking care of her when she decides to retire. I just listen and shake my head. Those poor kids!
Heck the most infamous of all was the mother of that famous basketball player. Not into sports and can't think of his name.
She demanded what she wanted soon as her son signed the contracts long before retirement age.
I fell in this trap, supported my mother, to my detriment for 30 years.
Yes me too.. she didn t give me much choices
I canât even imagine putting this responsibility onto my child. Totally inappropriate and unfair! The childâs future family comes first and they donât know yet what family commitments they might end up with!
In my experience when lower class people have a kid that they realize will be successful they just see them as a ticket out. If they are supportive its no longer from a place of unconditional love but from selfish place where they hope you will fix their life for them. This persons parents kept their agenda til she was 23, many parents let their kids know exactly what they expect much earlier.
That's very thoughtful of you . Some parents feel like it's what they are owed .
I am 48 and have a 16 year old daughter. I am trying to help her do the right career and financial choices so that she does not become a liability later in life. At the same time I would hate it to want to depend on her or any other of my kids financially when I retire. I even feel ashamed that I do not have enough assets to hand down when I pass on.
Low income= sheâs a single mother and I can guarantee poc. They think everyone owes them something. Itâs a terrible cycle and they use their children as their retirement
I would live out of my car before putting that expectation on my kid.
I'm an 85year old mother of three, a retired legal secretary who never made the big bucks, worked until I was 72, and have never in my life asked any of my kids for a single thing and never will. I take care of myself, live alone, handle my affairs, and like it that way.
Some people get children for the purpouse of having somebody to take care of them when they get old
Sad. Really pathetic. I do know people like that. They intentionally expect children to be their lifetime friend when they haven't provided for themselves, feeling entitled to emotional and financial support as an expectation.
That really hasnât happened for years Kids havenât taken care of their parents for decades
@@judyperri9496 some parents believe it will happen though! You are correct, they are usually disappointed.
â@@judyperri9496 according to whom?
@@batkat0 Well letâs see I worked in healthcare for 30 years and saw older patients neglected by family Oh and if thatâs not enough STATISTICS đ€Ą
My mom asked me to help her buy a home when I was 12. Imagine putting that on a child. Needless to say she is out of my life for good.
Good golly...can't even imagine.
I know the feel man. Some people just ain't really fit to be parents. I was raised by my stepmom. My mom and dad never got along ever, and my dad had custody but was always working and my mom married and moved to a different state when I was young and then moved back and I really hold alot of resentment towards my parents. I love them, always will but I'm not close with either of them. More close with my stepmom still to this day. Since I was 17 I've done everything completely on my own. Made mistakes and learned alot got to travel the world when I was in the military and have turned out rather successful if I say so myself. Esp considering I've never in my adult years have ever had help from my parents. My wife is a couple years older than me and she's extremely close with her dad and her step mom and her mom when she was alive and I've always been envious of that bc I've never really had that and it kinda made me who I am, but it is what it is
I approve!!! some people don't deserve to be parents
Just let Mom know you're alive and well-even if u do without trackable media.
Itâs not fair to bring children into this world, then expect them to pay for you to live. Mama gotta figure it out.
yeah, they never asked to be in this world and these parents need to stop treating them as a pension.
Tell all the feminists that. They use children for tax breaks, child support, and house. Get rid of the laws that support this type of enabling.
I bet the mom payed for her schooling and thatâs why sheâs broke. Iâve seen it so many times, kids should pay their own school so the parents can build their retirement unless their rich or well off
@@edb484 Or not push their children to go to college and have some serious talk about who is to cover for the tuition from the start. If these parents don't want to deal with the debt, its their fault for bring a child to this capitalist world who never asked to be here.
Thatâs the whole point of having children, thoâŠ.? Why would I bother taking care of those little demons if Iâm not gonna get something out of it at the end?
I'm in my 70's, retired to my wooded acreage at 68 and my son (only child and married), will be 52 this year. I've always been independent, and it sometimes irks him that I don't ask for much help (usually, it's regarding something that requires more upper body strength than I have, as I'm 5'2" and he's 6'4"). I made sure I'm debt free (so are they) and don't need financial support. I never had the mindset that my son would need to support me in my retirement and to think like that at age 46, means that her mom needs to get her head on straight and get her rear in gear.
Your son is willing to do anything for you though. Maybe because you never ask for anything.
Greatest dad type here, hurray!
Amen, I agree.
Let him help. It irks me too when my wife won't ask me to help her. Be AWARE of what you can't do now or is dangerous for you to do. Best gift you can give him is an unbroken hip.
Amen. And respect.
I went no contact with my mother a year ago. I am a 55 year old woman who left home at 17. By God's grace I have NEVER been homeless. I have a heart condition - since 2016- my mother was slowly killing me! I chose me.â€
This girl is lucky to find out that now. My mother and sister moved in witj me when I was able to buy a house at 24 and my parents were divorced and they had no where to go. She had time to get a full time job and work a full time job until retirement but refused to. I had to sell the house move and put them out when they went too far taking advantage of my kindness. Don't let it go that far. Mom needs to take responsibility for herself and learn to do it better on her own. It's unfair to you to feel obligated to take care of her.
Their advice is right on. Don't get trapped
Sometimes one has to do what they have to do. Boundaries are important. It's unhealthy to enable bad behavior.
To the caller please learn to set boundaries, even if it hurts other people. Please listen to this segment again and again when you are having a hard time setting those boundaries. I highly recommend a book called How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty by Patti Breitman. Good luck to you and congratulations on graduation!
What's funny is the ones doing the guilting have no empathy for the people they hurt with their guilt trips. That's because they're ok with manipulation.
@@lynnebucher6537 you're completely right. It's really sad. It's a lot of pressure for a 23 year old trying to make her way.
Thank you for the book recommendation..I have read boundaries many times but am buying the one you mentioned right now as I think it will cover the emotional guilt trip issue better
@@elyse3332 you are very welcome. I've read it myself several times and purchased it for others. I hope you will find it as helpful as I have. Take care!
Another good book is âBoundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Lifeâ by
Cloud and Townsend
Next caller: Hi Dave I'm 46, how quickly do I get my kid to provide for my retirement ?
I'm thankful for this video. It's very validating and eye-opening on how to navigate these circumstances. My mother told me the same thing. My husband also said the same as Ramsey, "No."
He saved you and your marriage.
Kaitlyn, Please do not let your mother run your financial life. This is unhealthy for both of you. Donât do anything against your own best interest. Your mother needs to preserve her own dignity. Best wishes.
My 67yo mother has no savings, nothing in retirement, nothing in social security... So far she has depended on the generosity of family members. She works here and there but doesn't make enough to sustain a living. When I asked her years ago what were her plans for retirement or for when she's too old to work, she just says "God will help me"
Meanwhile, I was working and paying our rent and begged her to get a job to help me out, and she refused, and when I asked her why, she said "I just don't want to work at this point of my life"
I moved out because I was assuming the role of being her parent and our relationship improved when I was no longer there to "be her mother". I'm still worried about her future though...
By "God" she meant "you" and anyone else she can manipulate. Escape velocity, my friend ...
My MiL said she would die at age 70. Sheâs still alive at age 81 and has managed to not work a day of her life
@@BusArch42WOW, you really have to vet these moms before getting married đą
@@monicapearson2264 I was way too naive unfortunately. Then again so was my husband. I have made sure my kids are more aware.
This sounds like a classic case of the black tax. Older generations just expecting their children to pay for their retirement
And whats the problem with that itâs literally his mom
What's wrong, is that a parent is supposed to be responsible. Be a blessing to your children, not a burden. Be their wise elder, set a good example.
Oh trust me my friend.. this horrible guilt tripping has no racial boundary. I have vowed NEVER to put my daughter through this even though my mother put me through, still putting me through it. I am 62, worked 55 years, now on disability and have been taking care of my 80 year old mother since I was in my late teens. It becomes a way of life for the child, because they are raised to be obligated to take care of the parent.. it's terrible.
â@@forgottenmma3694 As a father, I would rather delete myself than financially cripple my children. My job is to set them up for the best life possible...not to enslave them.
I'm 48 and out here hustling. I never had a child which is very different, but still. My Mom was like this, already talking about being taken care of in her 40s. By about 52, she just went on disability and stopped doing anything. This young woman is lucky, however, for being smart enough and having had the opportunity to already have a master's in a lucrative career by 23.
Very common. A former friend mother quit working just so her daughter could take care of her. Then often tells her daughter the most horrible things to keep her confidence low and in the house. She's close to 40 now. Still home. Still pays most of the bills. So sad.
That's gaslighting and codependency... :/
@@evangelle82 I tried to help her move out but that mental hold is strong.
This is my Sister-in-law and Mother-in-law too. My Sister-in-law is never going to have her own family because of her misbehaving Mother.
@evangelle82 I know. I tried to tell her to speak to a therapist, but she was too far gone.
@@bearlycountry2406 Same. However, I think my sis will change up once she finds her husband.
I am 45 this year, I couldn't imagine saying this to my daughter đ€ŠđŸââïž
46 yrs old still has plenty of time to save for retirement
Plenty of time to save.
Don't know about retirement with her mindset after planning this for over 20 years.
Putting well-earned money into the stock market can be over emphasized investors, the market is out of control, and banks are gradually failing. I am working on a ballpark estimate of $5M for retirement, Could there be any opportunity for a boomer like me?
itâs best you diversify your capital. To simplify the process, you could allocate your resources with the help of a financial advis0r.
Very true, people downplay advisors role, until burnt by their mistakes. I came across someone of practical knowledge, and decades of experience, hence, my stagnant reserve of $325K has yielded nearly $1m after subsequent investments so far.
Please who is the consultant that assist you with your investment and if you don't mind, how do I get in touch with them?
My consultant is *Sharon Louise Count* She has since provide entry and exit points on the securities I focus on. You can look her up online if you care for supervision. I basically follow her trade pattern and havenât regretted doing so
Impressive, iâll most definitely check her out. I buy the idea of employing the services of a Financial Advisor
She is definitely going to have to limit her conversation with her mother about the way that her life is taking shape. Mom is an opportunist.
And a manipulative user. Parasite.
I feel for this caller! Sounds like this mother is putting some extreme emotional guilt on this young lady! Good luck to her!
I see comments on various cultures. Just to point out that even within a culture there are different types of parents. Iâm an Asian American in my 50âs, in my circle of Asian friends we all make sure our kids come out of college debt free and none of us expect a dime from our kids. And of course I see some Asian parents guilt tripping their kids. There is variety in every culture.
What you are doing is a wonderful service to your children. Not only will it improve their financial future, but also the quality of their marriages.
I truly do not think it is a culture thing. It is a character thing. These guilt tripping narcissistic parents are not of any particular color, religion or culture.. they are people who are selfish and reckless.. they are perpetual victims who expect everyone around them to foot the bill. I know because I am a middle class white woman who has been raised to take care of my mother - and resentfully has done that for 50 years... IT IS ABUSE at it's finest.
Congratulations to this young woman. She is going places for sure. I hope sheâs able to set boundaries and I wish her mother well too.
Okay listen up ParentsâŠoutside of a medical situationâŠyour kids are NOT YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN! That type of thought process is not ok!!
The caller is a rock star. WOW!
The mother should be so proud of her for what she has accomplished and where she is headed to let her fly from the nest with such pride and love her unconditionally. No reason to put this manipulation into play.
@Freethinker Sure it is as she is proposing to be 100% dependent through manipulation. She can do both but yea she needs to let her daughter fly without needy Mother tying her wings. That IS love.
@@JustinCase780 Yes but is the answer for this young lady to just let her mother die by not taking care of her???
Glad Dave mentioned the future relationship issues that will arise from this baggage. Unfortunately I seen to many women get stuck taking care of their parents forever
Realistically, she makes $30k, so she won't be able to save enough to retire comfortably in 20 years without social security. That said, she needs some sort of plan to at least try.
I had exactly the same kind of mother and she never changed and I walked away from the abuse and began living my life for the better. My mother was lazy and entitled and put non stop guilt trips on me all of my life and I had to go no contact with her. She has Narcissistic Personality Disorder so it comes with the victim mindset she always had. Iâm free from all that and you should be too!
Some mothers are like that. They use the kids to live off. When the child grows up if he or she does well the mother expects the child to take care of them. Shameful
Dave is 100% right! How I would LOVE to see the look on the Mother's face while listening to this.
My dad is 83 and still working đą. Just quick back ground. Took him a while to get his citizenship and my mom was on drug for over a decade and there was several children. Household was in shambles but I made it through college and glad I found Dave. I appreciate my parents telling me not to worry about them and just save my money. I donât have much now but I think I found Dave just in time to make a change.
Wow! Thank you Dave! I am faced with this same dilemma and have been praying for clarity.
My mom has been telling me since high school I better get a good job so I can one day take care of her. She is now 65 and on disability. I am 35 with a very large family of my own. A few weeks ago she asked if she could move in with me. I donât have the space or money to take care of her. Also, my hubby not too thrilled with the idea of it. He laughed when I mentioned it. If it was just myself I would do it but I think it puts too much pressure on myself and takes away from my family.
I donât know what to do with her. She canât pay her bills, her social security isnât enough. She gets some aide but needs to apply for more programs. A huge part of me knows itâs not my responsibility. She has never made much, she was a stay at home mom, later in life worked PT and my step dad that use to do so much passed away a few months ago. I donât see any real helpful solutions. I donât want to leave her hanging but I know she is not my responsibility.
What do I do?
She can be put in an assisted living home. Her disability payment plus Medicaid long term care will cover the monthly rent for the assisted living facility. That's it then. You do or pay for nothing.
Be real with her and let her know mom I love you but I have my own family to take care of you canât live with me.
It sounds like the siblings followed the mother's path of being needy, and this kid aspired to be better than that. Problem as I see it, not only will the mother become your dependent, if you let her, but your siblings will want to get on the gravy train as well, and then your life becomes a rut.
yep, i was this kid for so long bc i didnât know how easy life is, now iâm going back to school pursuing my bs in computer science
Just gonna get worse as more and more unwanted children are forced to be born.
@@Mak2Grim Keep on your path and don't look back!
A lot of people don't understand that it is grooming - brainwashing - emotional abuse that starts from the time you are a small child. It never quite feels right or sets right with you because it doesn't seem natural.. but once you are in early adulthood you have resolved yourself to being controlled by these narcissistic guilt tripping parent(s). The children don't realize that this abuse has a trickle down effect and will cloud decisions or at least ruin you emotionally. The answer is to break away clean.. but you have to do it in young adulthood.. take it from a 62 year old woman who has been taking care of her 80 year old mother since I was about 17. The resentment and bitterness is so deep you secretly pray on a daily basis that God will call them home so your burden is lifted and the cross you have had to bear your whole life, is gone. So sad..
@@tinasmallwood9546 I donât want to judge you, but if you wait for God to do what you can do yourself by moving on with your life now, then you will continue to hate her and yourself. Check in with her once a week and if she lays a guilt trip on you, make it once a month, until you take back your life. It is never too late
This is just a sad call, I feel so bad for this caller. So glad my parents were hard workers with lots of financial sense. They have planned well and set a good example for myself and my kids.
Her mother is robbing her daughter of a life of her own. Her mother is not her responsibility.
My mother told me I would have to take care of her when I got older when I was in high school. The last day I spoke to her, I told her she better not treat my brother as bad as she treated me or she wouldnât have anyone to suck the life out of like she planned⊠she didnât listen and neither of us have spoke to her in 10yrs
I don't know what you went through as a child, but to not let her know that you're at least alive sounds really cold. Life is full of surprises and you'll get old too. I'm not old by the way.
Good for you. Hard to say, cuz you hate to see families fall apart. But itâs on the parent to be mature. Mistreating their kids and then expecting them to take care of their parents later? Thatâs just stupid. Kids didnât ask to be born and they donât owe you shit.
Mother needs to exhaust all options and put in 100% effort first, if retirement falls short the daughter can help if she wants to. I'm sure this daughter has broken the chain of generational poor choices, kudos' to her.
What if, Heaven forbid, the daughter dies unexpectedly while still young? The mom STILL needs to have a plan!!
Good point.
I always wonder about these parents who have kids with the sole goal of a retirement plan. You do know no one's guaranteed to outlive you? Then what will you do?
Life Insurance I guess unless the daughter gets married and has children and leaves it for the spouse/kids.
âMost people don't get life insurance unless they have a spouse or kids
âYou donât have to take care of people who wonât take care of themselves.â Right on, Uncle Dave! Sheâs 46! It wonât be a luxurious retirement, but she can start now and take care of her own retirement.
Seriously, I know people in their 40s who completed career changes and finished their PhDâs. Thereâs no reason somebody in their 40s canât get a certification or anything that will help them get better jobs because sheâs gonna be working for at least another 20 years..
Iâm in that boat myself. She raised me to have no boundaries with her. She is hating that Iâve learned boundaries including her. We help but we donât pacifi.
I needed to hear this. My mom didn't say she expects me to take care of her but I feel guilty about not. She has never done anything to help herself
You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Trust. Whatever you give her will be squandered and unappreciated.
That's why they make homeless shelters. But I suspect most people will move their indigent parent in or pay their rent somewhere.
Don't feel guilty. It's not your job to be responsible for an irresponsible person.
You aren't obligated to do so. They gave birth to you, not the other way around.
Said like a true westerner about their single parent who raised them. This mindset is not apart of the
What happens if something happens to your child and they cannot take care of you?!
@@kristinab1078 that's your business darling. I wouldn't expect my offspring to take care of me. Its my responsibility to secure my layer years financially
@@kat-oe7gb
Many don't think that far especially in the black community.
@@kristinab1078 that mentality up there đ is disgusting .I would never think not to help my parents in their old age .
There are many people who look at their children as their source of retirement income. Some will use the Biblical admonition to honor your mother and father to rationalize this obligation. Dave is correct about a parentâs duty to take care of themselves financially after retiring. My only wife of 39+ years and I have informed our grown children that they will not have to worry about us financially in retirement. We do not want to burden them. They really appreciate our stability and are planning for their own retirement using us as role models.
Mom is young enough to go get the same masters herself.
Ohh I've been having this conversation with my parents for a decade; I am 35 now. They have no retirement or savings have about 70k equity in a house but both talk divorce. Mother gets about 500/month in ss and expects more than father to live off of us kids- I feel the expectation is more on me bc I am the youngest and a nurse so "should" be the one to take care of them. Seeing how difficult it is to take care of patients with debilitating diseases shows me how unrealistic it would be to raise a family, work, and take care of parents. My mother currently spends her money traveling all year visiting relatives and as Dave says is the queen of guilt trips.
I would never expect my daughter to take care of me in this way! The nerve! Talk about entitlement!
Itâs our responsibility to plan not put this burden on our adult children. Mercy! đ
Thank you so much for saying that. I lived my whole life up unto this point with the burden of taking care of my parent necause they are too scared to take responsiblity for there own self.
"Your mother is misbehaving!" Amen!
There is not a WORSE parent than the one that has children only for the interest of having them taking care of them without thinking on the burden you are putting into them.
What a way to start off Mother's Day.
đ€ mother's day or not, the truth has to be told
I don't hear about children's day, whoever created mother's day, was a self absorbed manipulator.
No. Mom should have set herself up for her future. Not be a financial drain on her children. Happy Motherâs Day! đ
I am the same age as her mom and just started saving for retirement. I would never expect my kid to take care of me. Granted he's still in elementary school but still.
This is very common in a Filipino culture as well. It is pretty sad. You can hear a 23 year old parent telling her 6 year old child to work hard because he is the hope of the family. It is a big pressure on a child. I myself have supported my family since 2008 and it is hard. I didn't know any better and thought because I was the one who "made it out" first, it was my "responsibility" to support the rest of the family. When I realized it, I started to put boundaries on what I can help with and it has made a big difference for me. With that said, it is very nice of The Ramsey Show to give FPU classes for both of them for free. Financial Education is an eye-opener and will help them both learn not only how to support themselves but it will empower them to make good financial decisions.
Dave got right to the issue!!! This is generational and she needs to make some hard choices if she doesnt want the cycle to continue
There is a difference between a mom who ran out of money because she outlived her pension and one that willfully resisted saving for her future thinking her kids will take care of her.
Iâm a 46-year old parent. I have a child about her age. Iâd never put my children through such things. I think that she thinks that her daughter owes her all of that, because she had to take care of her for 23 years, & is trying to guilt her. Thatâs wrong!
What about a pact that you pay for an education car house furniture maybe insurance starters now then later she he can help you in exchange ?
@@Peacefulnessxxx Having kids is a choice. If you are not prepared to sacrifice, DON'T HAVE KIDS!
@@boxer6796 I agree what I was intending was a quid pro quo something for something non compulsory that existed in Poland among some people and still does to an extent.
It's so sad that what's she's saying is so relatable with so many of us. I have family member that significantly help with both of her parents. It's even more horrible because they barely raised her.
Island parents expects that. Itâs a burden believe me
Your family member is nice. I only return favors. If you did not play a role when I needed help, I don't play a role when you do. In case of a parent: "I hope you have social security or a pension."
Africans do this a lot. Especially to their daughters.
Itâs funny that some women have no shame expecting someone else to pull their financial burden for them. The idea that this is ok has got to change in society
Laws, but the WEST is all feminist. :/ Hope this no abortion law passes.
Sounds like the first step of manipulation so that it prevents the daughter leaving and following her own destiny in life. Maybe behind it all the mom is insecure or afraid of loneliness? But she needs to meet her own needs in an adult way rather than by controlling her daughter.
I genuinely mean it when I express my stress and concern regarding the market crash and high inflation, particularly in relation to my retirement. I have been experiencing losses for quite some time, and while some may argue that crises can present opportunities, I am feeling overwhelmed. However, I understand that investing is a long-term endeavor, and it is crucial to maintain focus on the bigger picture and the long run.
I have experienced significant losses, and I am holding on with the hope of recovering them. It is evident that I am in dire need of assistance
It seems that *JENNY PAMOGAS CANAYA* possesses extensive knowledge and a strong educational background
What a smart lady! I wish her all the best in her life!
Dave 100% right on this one and glad he said it out loud. There are so many people that will listen to this because he's saying it, so hopefully this will help people to reject this kind of treatment from parents.
The fact that this woman's mom is 46 and only a secretary making $30K is ridiculous! You can make good money as a secretary but in the right context. That's just lazy.
My secretary makes 24k per year
There are well paid secretaries, but the callers mom isn't one. Mom needs to increase her skills and change industries, but it does not seem like she has much initiative to do so and is banking on her daughter.
@donald johnson for sure, or law firm or financial services admin work too.
@donald johnson You can make easily 70k as an Executive Assistant. But of course it involves more than doing typical secretary work.
Single mother with a bunch on all kinds of âbenefitsâ and didnât contribute one cent to her daughterâs college. Now expects kids to take care of her
Lol if Mama dukes was in her 60s/70s, then that's one thing, but 46!? You still got time!
Really. 20 years to pump up that 401k
My mom is 80 and I work and take care of her and Iâm blessed that I can⊠she is a blessing to me and my family â€
Way to teach Dave!!!! I had to teach my 85 year old mom. Your so kind to pay for her and her mom to go to FPU. So kind
Yâall really uploaded this on Motherâs Day đ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł
The end was probably one of the best things Ken has said to date.
I also meant the way he said it.
Yes, resentment vs disappointment. Very good point. Better to disappoint someone than to resent them. Resentment lasts a lot longer.
Too many children are parents' retirement plans. It's selfish. Do not be an unreasonable burden on your children.
Random note: I hope her Masters program stacked her with the necessary certs, because unfortunately in information security a Masters means far less than a CRISC and CISSP.
Facts