What INFJs Need in a Romantic Partner
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- čas přidán 28. 05. 2024
- In this video, I explore what an INFJ might need to truly thrive in a romantic relationship.
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Some timestamps to help you find certain parts of the video ☺️
0:00 Introduction
3:50 Communication
7:03 Acceptance
8:34 Thoughts & Ideas
15:47 Doesn't Mind Being Analyzed
20:50 Similar Definition of 'Relationship'
23:11 Authenticity
23:57 Progress
27:19 Physical / Sexual Intimacy
29:20 Congruent Goals
32:20 Freedom
34:48 Emotional Intelligence
35:54 Personal Relationship Experiences
41:22 Core Message
42:20 "Do certain types work better with other types?"
46:06 Final Words
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I dont mean to be so offtopic but does anybody know a tool to get back into an Instagram account??
I was stupid lost my account password. I appreciate any tips you can offer me.
You know that sex is good
Came right to the comments to find this. Thank you!
BTW thank you for the time stamps
INFJ's main love language is profoundly understanding and connecting with someone, and receiving the same effort to be profoundly understood back!!
Yes!
Yes
Yes so true
100%
Gosh that sounds exhausting.
WOSHIP ME OR I WILL TORTURE YOU FOREVER !
but remember I love you
INFJ here:
At the age of 31 and after 3 long term relationships that drained the life out of me, this is what I won’t get into a relationship without: (1)honest and clear communication- transparency, (2)a person who being their authentic self doesn’t disrupt my peace, (3)integrity & a strong moral compass with core values that align with mine or I can understand and happily coexist with, (4)humility, (5)secure confidence- doesn’t need me to dim my light for them to not feel threatened and less than, (6)allows space for different ideas and thoughts- respectful debate and last but not least- (7)similar love language: sensual physical touch- not being groped and man handled 🙄 acts of service without an agenda for a “reward”.
You covered so many other great points!
Yes!
100%
ENTP-A sounds like me
INFJ need pure, honesty in any relationship.
They strive for comfort like everyone else ...the infj is actually relatable because of the sympathy that comes from people knowing that you are what you are
Exactly and you would think ppl understand that but no. I would always think to myself I am going to show my personality exactly as I am so if that other person doesn’t like something of me they can just walk away because if you fake or act like something you’re not you don’t give the other person the opportunity to choose if they want to deal with that certain personality trait it’s unfair
I'm an ENFP and I feel I offend people with my honesty. I tell many lies daily because if I didn't I'd hurt a lot of peoples feelings.
I thought we all wanted that.
@@optimusprinceps6412 ENFP too. Maybe they need to know.
You can have a million conversations with someone and still not understand each other
You can also understand someone without them saying a word
@@lbjay8914 truth. My favorite people are the people who are just there. Not a word yet they get what I needed was just a calm person to chill with.
really calling me out out here
We don’t have a million conversations. We have the real same conversation a million times.
Because they’re not honest when saying what they truly mean and the other person being afraid to clarify they understood correctly. Sometimes when ppl sugar coat things they just cause confusion and once again it’s because you’re scared of being truly honest
3. This one is a big one. INFJ’s are borderline obsessed with sharing their insights with other people. If you are actually interested in hearing them without your eyes glazing over, that’s a huge plus.
LOL pretty sure I'm INFJ
Amen.
Number three is a big one for me too. I have repeatedly been on the edge of suicide because of so much rejection and scorn among my friends and family.
I come to realize that this is very true
@@louisejoel it’s not that easy to tell if you are an infj because there’s nothing funny about it
Being an infj sucks believe it or not most infj don’t wanna be an infj due to how isolating it is being misunderstood along with being overwhelmed that you are one of the rare ones
For me with sexual intimacy i find I want to feel close emotional intimacy first. Without that I don’t feel much sexual desire . Sex for me is a place I want to express intensely, the close emotional intimacy I have with a partner. In turn I find that creates good sexual intimacy? If that makes sense.
100%
I feel the same way. Feeling this way gets me sentenced to life in the "friend zone" without the possibility of being anything more. 😕
This is the definition of demisexuality. 🙂
@@keithstone3263 I can "see that". Especially as a male, actually. If only "they" knew the treasures inside huh!
@@keithstone3263 I don’t see how feeling that way gets you sentenced to the “friend zone” ? I’ve felt this way and grown gradually closer to friends and it’s turned into a romantic relationship and other times I feel romantically and they don’t but that’s life 🤷🏼♀️
Communication is important, but I think comprehension is key...
I agree. Why communicate if you are not going to be able to comprehend the conversation or the subject matter.
Comprehension is possible only when both parties are open to improvement.
That’s why he said “good communication”.
To easily find an INFJ in a room, pull the extrovert aside & ask who is the "weird" one in the group. You just found the INFJ.
lol true
lol
@eedd sdsd or an INFP
Called out hard bro 🤣
😂😂😂
As an ENFP we want to hear EVERYTHING you have to say, every little thought, because we’re saying to ourselves “yay finally!! someone to have hours long conversations about deep topics with” and seeing your eyes light up saying your partner encourages that made me so happy ☺️✨
I'm an INFJ-T. My daughter is an ENFP...shes's my bestfriend, lol. Brilliant, perceptive, empathetic, extraordinary listener. ENFP's are the best.
Exactly! Enfp here.
I appreciate you so much! You re describing me as an Enfp and my heart longs to be with this kind of man. But it's complicated. On another note, I think it's so interesting that you value freedom and yet...... Have you considered that the express purpose of the Son of God on earth was to set humanity free?? As an Enfp, it is also a very strong passion of mine that people are free to not be controlled. It is only when people are free from poverty, sickness, and oppression that they can become the beautiful human that the Perfect Father dreamed for them when He thought them into being.
@Jack Young of course! Speaking as an ENFP, I love new and creative ideas that can innovate our current world in a more efficient way. Sometimes I find that my thoughts are too far out for some people to understand, so I’m patiently waiting for an INFJ buddy to have deep conversations with 😭
❤️❤️
I find it fascinating that an INFJ-INFJ relationship works. I’ve always believed theorists who’ve claimed you should be with a different type but to me it makes perfect sense that two INFJs would make each other happy. I’m so happy for you.
O ?
To me it's just stupid to think that generally two opposite type people can work in a long term relationship who want to build a future together. Yes it's exciting to meet someone who is so different than you and who has qualities you wish you possessed and vice versa, but eventually that excitement wears off and you're left with someone who doesn't understand you and why you do the things you do and who you don't understand. Trying to build a future with someone who wants something else or has an alien approach to you will just lead to fights because it'll be hard to agree on anything.
People are much better off with someone who is closer to being like them with fewer differences.
To be understood is the sexiest characteristic in a partner. I’ve been married twice and twice divorced. My last relationship didn’t evolve into a marriage because he passed away. He “got” me, listened to me and encouraged me. He was my true soul partner, enjoying the same creative ventures - music, movies, art. He was very sensual not in just a sexual way but the sights sounds and smells of life. But unlike me he was grounded and practical, filling in my head in the clouds dreamy personality. We were like peas and carrots. 🥰
Complimentary. Your vote is for complimentary over similarities. Interesting.
This was so heartwarming and breaking all at once. It’s always the good ones that pass on.
@@shawndouglas9605 not always. That’s just how our relationship evolved.
That was an ENTP.
What we need as INFJ’s is a real, sincere, honest person. I only had two relationships in my life and it was because I could sense when someone was faking or acting like something they’re not (wannabe) so once I felt that, I didn’t even bother trying to get to know them. To me I strive for an Authentic relationship. I want to be with someone who I can see right thru their soul and I make sure they can see right thru me as well. I married an ENFP I love him! I married him in 5 months. As soon as I met him I knew it was him.
Awesome match! Can be someone with a great sense of humor and a little bit of a shock jock. The Paladin and the Swashbuckler
But they run away when you love them.
This is a beautiful story. Thanks toe sharing!
@@shuvo1980 As a ENFP myself i can say we are very intense when fall in love so its really hard to us trust in others people feelings , we afraid to get hurt this is why we run. But we usually are very sensitive when talking with introverts because we know how hard is for they open theirs heart . English is not my language so im sorry if its a little broke
Me (infp) just met an INFJ it’s been 3 weeks and we are in love. It’s crazy! amazing… enjoying the journey.
I’m an INFJ and my husband is an ENFP. We have conversations about this. We both have dated other personality types and those did not work! But our relationship feels like it’s a soulmate connection because we understand each other.
That's true. I think the biggest confusion people have in terms of finding a partner is trying to find the PERFECT TYPE, but what they truly need is to find a person who can communicate properly; who is willingly to solve the problem, and most important, who is not emotionally closed off. We INFJ needs deep emotional connection. It doesn't matter if you are a person who prefers making plan or go with the flow. It doesn't matter. What we need ultimately is a real connection with a real person. That's what we need.
Exactly!!
@ 41:30 : "the people that I want to be with - it doesn't feel like WORK." YES!!! Exactly. ♥
Every time you post, it feels like my mind has been read, clarified and summarized. Your ways of speech have exactly the ideal amounts of rationality and emotionality, you are truly appreciated. 🖤
Perfectly phrased! Can't agree more!
Exactly
Every word he says is relatable ..
You express yourself só well Sara. 🤔🤸
@@JonasAnandaKristiansson :)
INFJs are necessary on this hypocritical and chaotic world. You're pure and authentic, essential and refreshing like wind. I LOVE INFJs. I will say it a million times. I value your unconditional support, I love your kindness, your resilience, your quietness and your sad smile. I love your love, INFJs ❤❤❤
Charles Dickens said ― “Never close your lips to those whom you have already opened your heart.” As an introvert, I've realised how important it is to speak to our partners but letting them know that we require a certain energy to be present within us when we do open up, which might not be now, tonight or tomorrow, and their patience and understanding is critical.
I love this quote
I just got out of a 4 year relationship with an ENTJ. Every word you said about your past relationship is exactly how I felt about mine. She hated when I "interrogated" her (I called it trying to understand). I always told her it was like pulling teeth to get her to say how she felt. And ironically, even when I thought I finally cracked the nut and understood, I would find out later that's not how she really felt at all, sometimes even through other people. I think as INFJs we easily fall into a Savior Complex. We think its our job to help people open up. I learned the hard way that its not. Now on the path to finding someone that can share open and interested discussion of ideas and emotions. Sometimes as a man its hard to come to terms with the fact that I need emotional intimacy more than other men. So I appreciate this video and it has reinforced my determination to not settle for someone that I don't feel at home with both emotionally and spiritually.
you're not alone, props to you for walking away and sticking to that - it's exhausting to have to pull her teeth and it leaves you feeling unloved.
My ex husband is an ENTJ and I experienced very similar issues like you did.
Last two relationships was like this. The former was being "interrogated" and the latter felt I was too "emotional" for a guy and they both made me feel as if my feelings were invalid and when I gave a list of three things I could do to improve myself for the relationship both gave me a blank incredulous stare when I asked what they could do. As if they had no room for improvement and had done no wrong. I shouldve RAN! But I look for angels in demons and if I couldnt find that good then I was gonna find the source of the bad. Till I found out that it wasnt up to me to find it if they werent willing to open up. When my last started to give me a made up reason that I immediately knew it was bullshit I let it go and shut down. Now its just me and I am perfectly fine being lonely as fuck and I really hope I find someone to love that just leaves me alone.
Well don't rule out INFJ partner. I have been with mine for 27 years. Both INFJs. Even then still different people to make it interesting. Love him dearly.
I met an ENTJ and almost immeadiately when he started demanding I be ‘brutally honest’ with him in our text messages , I knew I had to run for the hills 😁 I value honesty but I also value tact 😁. It’s good for an INFJ to know this things so they cannot try to paint black walls white.
My ex husband is an INTJ. It was a living hell. The arguing was endless. Anytime I tried to say how I felt it was turned around on me and he was calling me “crazy”. He found it amusing to get a rise out of me by gaslighting me and making me feel like I was going crazy. Ugh! With each point you made I was nodding going “yep” and each time you gave an example I was like “Yes, me too!”. Thank you for being relatable and making me feel like I’m not weird.
Narcissists are our nemesis.
That wasn't because he was an INTJ. It's because he was a narcissist. As an INTJ myself I was in that exact same situation with my narcissistic ex, an ESFP. Narcissism is a personality disorder that can happen with any personality. You are right; it is a living hell of torturous mind games.
Ah sounds like my last relationship. I’m sorry you went through that- I know this comment is old but hopefully you are happier now.
@@Laura-nl8dfand yet they are drawn to us like moth to a flame. 😒
Since INFJs often feel profoundly misunderstood, and since we experience an inverted version of Maslow’s hierarchy - maybe we’re a categorical exception to “opposites attract”? Maybe it’s infinitely more important for us to feel understood and accepted - with all our complexities - than it is to function according to the standards commonly rewarded in the 3D world.
@erin moeller WOW that was right on the money! thank you!
@@sarahharless5044 Aww, thank YOU! 🤗 The inverted hierarchy made so much sense to me when I learned about it!!
@erin moeller awh, more for me to study!! thank you!
@@sarahharless5044 are you a knowledge junkie on this stuff, like me? 😘
@@sarahharless5044 Or *confirmation* of existing knowledge, in the form of intuition - which, when we learn to recognize and trust, we go supernova
Oh my gosh....the eyes glossing over is soooo painful to experience. My ISTP husband, that I’m now separated from, would do that when I would talk. It made me not want to talk at all anymore. Thank you, Clay. You’ve been so incredibly helpful to me and to so many others. Your insight into our psyche and our experience as INFJs is soooo spot on and is very much appreciated. Thank you!
Oh my God ISTPs are a pain in the butt! But ISTJs make me more sick!!
Mmm, I’m also separated from my ISTP husband. I think we complemented each other by compensating for each other’s weaknesses but our defenses got in the way and we were usually in a power struggle. He lacked insight, authenticity, and transparency. It was difficult to work through issues together. Plus it got difficult to plan the future together bc he was only focused on the present, stagnating us.
@@grumpyschnauzer As I’m reading your comment I find myself nodding in agreement with every one of your points. I experienced the same exact things. Even down to the power struggle that I absolutely had no desire to be in but found myself thrust in anyways as a result of his constant need to push my boundaries. I always felt a great deal of frustration because I saw so much potential in him and I truly believed in him as a person, but I couldn’t make him grow if he was content in the stagnation. We were just very different people. I’m coming to realize that being alone is where I’m supposed to be. And I’m alright with that.
@@andreamullins7359 Totally spot on. I saw so much potential in him but he wasn’t ready. I did meet an INTP which I have a pretty good connection with but I also fantasize about having my alone time too.
@@grumpyschnauzer You don’t get alone time with an INTP?? But he’s an introvert....I guess I just figured all introverts needed alone time? So if that’s not the case, how do they recharge? Or does their battery just not drain or what? Lol I am really curious.
In my relationship I want to be myself. The INFJ is a social chameleon and wearing all the different masks sometimes it's hard to remember who I really am and can be exhausting. When I get home I want to be me again. I am a very quiet person and genuinely appreciate anyone who listens actively to what I'm saying because I put thought into it before speaking.
This!!! Social Chameleon but you rarely see the real me. I’m so good at appearing to fit in as well as knowing how to relate to people that seem very different from me. However it is unbelievably exhausting because I genuinely want to connect with them and understand them so they feel at ease and comfortable. Working in customer service is such a juxtaposition for me because I excel in that arena, but it drains me to an almost unreal level.
You are very lucky. ☺️ Many INFJs feel very alone. Many humans do.
I'm one. Married and still alone.
@@meme-hz1mq, welcome to the club. Still married but the divorce is in planning,after 10 years together. Heavy times for many of us... Big hug to you from Switzerland ... We will find true love, understanding and freedom ❤️
true im a loner in thoughts
I'm turning 20 tomorrow and I'm glad that I'm already seeing these videos. :) This will help me as an INFJ.
It will, and does
hello!! oh my gosh!!! I'm turning 20 next month!! bahaha!!!!
I'm turning 13 next month ;)
Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas.
Hey I’m turning 20 in less than a month and I’m also an infj
I've noticed that sex is a major thing for me in a healthy relationship. Never thought it was an INFJ thing, but it does make sense since we use it (Se) to make the other person feel great (Fe). I had some relationships in the past that it all started great but with time it decreased and made me realize that the spark was over (with INTP, ISTP, ESTP...). Following what you said about CS Joseph, I agree about INFP being a great match for INFJ, since it's the best relationship I had ever had and could never imagine that it could bring so much light, depth and happiness. I would love to watch a video about you getting in depth about sex for INFJ's. Don't know if it's CZcams appropriate, but if it is, that would be great :)
I have the same habit of stopping myself after starting a sentence because there have been so many times I shared to the wrong audience. Thanks for making this video.
I was previously with someone who never apologized when they said or did hurtful things, they'd constantly blame me in fact, they called me over sensitive. I'd try to explain empathy to them and what if it was you on the receiving end but it never helped. That relationship destroyed me. It was gaslighting at its finest and for an INFJ, it can literally destroy your sanity and logical thinking.
We are really really reading each other’s emotional wavelengths rn
I know. Energy literally comes through the air. Whether you want it to or not. It’s good when this gets not overwhelming, and becomes a decision making process, instead 💕
To be honest Fi users for me, even though they may not even be intentional about it can come across as self centered and a tad bit selfish to me. Take for instance, my Infp best friend is the kind to switch off the bedroom lights while i'm in the washroom such that i find myself walking in darkness when we go on trips and just remove my charger from the socket and plug hers in .... these are things i would never do and i have to remind her because i know she is not doing it to intentionally annoy me or something , its just that most times other peoples feelings don't come first to her. Romantically, I need someone who cares about my feelings as much as i care about theirs.
Lmao I can see this "pattern" happening for sure.
my sister is INFP and ive been navigating how to deal with her (what i can perceive as) selfishness my whole life! but it’s not to be a dick, she just genuinely considers herself before considering others. if you ask her to do something she will usually do it, but it doesn’t occur to her to just do it out of goodwill
Truth be told. Even to a deeper level; the vast majority of my ex's and general romantic interests are INFP's. That subtle self-centered mindset is usually what drives a wedge in the relationship.
Yes, exactly this!
INFPs seem a bit dissociative to me. Like they are dreamers living in their own world
My parents used to look at me like I am crazy when ever I talked so I ended up giving up for awhile and just hiding alone because that was the only time I felt normal
After watching this today, I feel uplifted, validated, and less alone. Thank you for putting into words what I've always felt and wanted out of a relationship! Sincerely, a growing infj
I thought I was alone in my thoughts! But I always believed it was my inner truth! So sorry I just found out from experience, what I've should have known earlier. A lot of suffering! Now, I'm more aware of myself and truly happy to know that I'm different from most people, but at least 1% are like me!
Thank you for your videos! ❤ from Portugal
Married an ENTP. No connection, no depth, no real conversation. My queries come off as an interrogation. This video is highly relatable. I see where I’ve made not so “intuitive” choices in romance. Thanks for this❤
I’m an ENTP and I am eating this up. Maybe she isn’t an ENTP or maybe you need a different one ;).
11 minutes in and all I can think is "OH THE ACCURACY!"
I’m married to a ENTJ for the last 25 years and I’m a INFJ! We have learned to make it work and I love my husband with all my heart! We talk about everything together! It hasn’t always been easy because I’m very sensitive and he says everything on his mind, but we think our relationship is worth putting in the time to making it work! He’s my best friend!❤️
thats nice, just dont put yourself in pathological position of you being sensitive, perhaps you are sensitive and he too blunt, either pathologize both or nobody. Have a couple ENTJ friends and they are a force of nature, often having a toughness mask, but being mushy from time to time
Great list. For me, I would have to include humour. Someone who finds me hilarious. And hopefully the reverse too.
Yes humour so important.
Yes, humor is important!
Im a INFJ and my husband is a ENFJ it can work if your both trying to make it work of coarse. I think as we both grew up and matured together we realized we both wanted the same thing. Also a BIG one is staying away from toxic family we both suffer from having controlling families. Which is the hardest thing since we both love family and seek peace. But building proper boundaries has defiantly helped us both.
I’m an INFJ, I really appreciate long videos like this because I absolutely love conversations and I guess it just makes me feel understood. I’m really glad I stumbled upon this channel.
ESTX just wanna do things. They hate long conversations. My mom is ESTP and every time I talk to her longer than 5 min, she gets up and goes to another room to get something. Basically she comes up with an excuse to leave because her attention span is short. You can imagine as an INFJ how that would make me feel... late bloomer in everything because I'm learning many things later in life from other people, not from my mother. Just frustrating trying to get answers...
Loved the video 👍
My sister is an ESTP and I know what you’re talking about.
Oh I feel ya! Father and step father ESTP.
My father is an ESTJ, and I am ENFP. It was terror growing up
I almost cried hearing you explain everything in such a new way for me, it was like putting to words how I feel inside every day. I have had so many ex partners who werent good for me, lacked communication, didnt want to hear my thoughts, tried to change me...so I developed a lot of emotional resistance around letting my guard down (as an introvert it was already hard for me to feel comfortable in the first place, but years of bad partners made it so much worse to be able to trust on just simple basic things). Anyway, thank you for this video, it was eye opening for me in terms of what I actually need in a partner.
Being with people who are like you vs. compliment you. Such a good question.
Super relatable, good suggestions. I've been in a relationship where I've become extremely self conscience about sharing my thoughts, ideas, and even sense of humor due to how often they misattribute it. It's been really hard. Feeling extremely misunderstood etc. Feels almost like I've been losing my identity just to maintain the relationship.
I hear you. It’s best to not let others projections or perceptions of you get in your head, most importantly when they are false 💕
@@orchidsrising7910 I know and knew better, but I was just trying to make the relationship work for what had seemed workable. I've just had to come to the conclusion that's it's a relationship that will never actually work. It's like I had to look at all the angles before I felt completely sure and I think the person was hiding many stipulations before I was fully aware. So what I thought reparable was actually irreparable. Especially when he started more effectively pushing my identity and personal assets out of the equation. It's like it took time, so I really wanted to keep what had worked, so I just held on longer than I should've.
You indeed look happy when you talk about this new person. :) Bless you!
I grew up in a family where there's no connection.. like no conversation about how we feel or think. So for th longest time I SHUT DOWN. and now I am really having a hard time opening up what my true feelings are. Got no one to talk to. no one wants to listen.
The same here. I am an ENFP. My solution- get away from people who dont listen to me
If we don’t have self awareness we are no good to ourselves or anyone else. Family of origin dynamics must be examined in order to know our issues so that we can know who we are. I’m an independent critical thinker and I can’t be around go along to get along types.
My ex told me that I would exhaust him as well with my thinking and needing to communicate. I have been divorced for almost 2 years now and I definitely have a complex about this. It's almost as if I don't think I should even look for a relationship again because I don't want to exhaust someone new. Thank you for talking about this!
No, just because somebody wasn’t capable of handling you doesn’t mean you aren’t valuable to anybody.
Don’t lock yourself and what you can bring to the table away.
I know it’s easy to say, but don’t do that.
It’s the worst thing you can do to yourself. There’s absolutely somebody out there that wants exactly that from you and won’t judge you for it, instead appreciate you for what you are.
@@exodus1028 Great advice 🛋️
@@debracottrill7989 just speaking the truth! but tyvm
I agree maybe on a slightly different slant, however very similar. I very recently have split with my ex as well and I still have this overwhelming "thought loop". What in the world was I so blind to that I couldn't fight for her where she needed me to in order for her to feel happy. I don't feel much like putting another person through my lack of insight or ability to guard, fulfill, and protect them. I'm supposedly so gifted with being able to inherently understand and feel, but somehow couldn't where it mattered.
@@rickriggs4380 you can always learn and grow. You already made the first step in realizing it. Just don’t give up, those who do have already lost.
I know this sounds like a bunch of phrases, but it is true if you really think about it.
I am an INFJ fortunate to be married to an amazing INFP. We have been together for 31 years and never run out of conversational topics. Nothing is off limits, and the deeper the subject, the better. I can relate 110 percent to your content. THANK YOU ❤
I’m not an INFJ but watching this was healing for me. I think that many INFJs, those who have a high level of emotional intelligence that is, including you, possess an innate ability to express what the human soul’s desire for connection is in in the context of a relationship or otherwise; including how that desire manifests itself in a relationship, and what many of those relational needs actually are. A lot of those themes seemed to come through this video for me. You really nailed it and drove home what the INFJ needs are, in a way that could be well understood.
As an ENFP I have a theory that INFJs and ENFPs relationship needs are fairly similar, because of our mirroring cognitive functions. As intuitive dominants, we both like to analyze and be analyzed, along with our aux feeling function, which is seeks very often to manifest itself through our intuition function, and is pretty closely tied with it. I used to also think my trait of analyzing others in a relationship was bad. I also tend to feel quite dismissed in the specific ways I try to connect emotionally and psychologically like that.
Listening to you talk reminded me so much of myself and made me feel not as alone. Not having the same the cognitive functions as you I never could’ve said it like you, which very much helped affirm the way I process and helped me understand my own thoughts with so much more clarity than I ever could have had previously before hearing those things. I have no clue if that makes sense to you. This is what I mean when I say the very presence of the INFJ heals trauma. We need more people like you in our world! You’re really awesome. Please continue to shine in the ways you do best.
Omg I shut down because i have felt that all my life-that when I voice my thoughts, they weren’t heard or cared about. When I was younger I thought something was wrong with me so I would try to fit the mold of the majority.
It’s wonderful that you have someone now who makes you feel appreciated and heard. I pray I will have that too.
I am still healing from a relationship with a narcissist.
My relationships:
Most intense and conflicting: ESTP
Most interesting and calm: INTP
Most loving: INFP
Less conflicting but nothing alike: ENTP
I'm an INFJ who wants to get into programming, actually, so I got that joke lol. Also, I thought you might find this interesting, Satoru Iwata, former and late Nintendo president and one of the people who revolutionised the industry, was an INFJ.
Take that Mr. EA
Awesome fact 😁 thank you for sharing. As a super introverted infj I love jobs like this. Mostly because I get to sit in a quiet room by myself all day or work from home and do things at my own pace haha. The dream!
I'm an INFJ software engineer and I really enjoyed many of the job's aspects for the past 10 years. This profession requires a lot of abstract thinking and coming up with ideas, I believe that's why.
As an INFJ I think you nailed it in this video!
"The people I want to be with doesn't feel like work" - exactly!!🤗🙌🏽
I fully agree with great sexual interaction as a gage of a healthy relationship. I thought I was the only one thinking like this, lol.
What about asexual relationships?
@@RosheenQuynh good question.
@@daniellerodgers6493 Thank you 😊
Though this video is 3 years old, I resonated with every point. Especially with wanting to express my thoughts but think my Ni ramblings will annoy the people around me due to prior bad experiences. It goes without saying that these ramblings are reserved for certain people and not the general public. Having to practice giving trust to people and knowing there are those that appreciate it for what it is rather than dislike it for what it is not. Being able to mutually exchange thoughts and ideas with others alongside quality time is a must for building connection and deeper understanding of one another. Being rejected by others in this way really makes us want to disappear and stop expressing ourselves. It's definitely seems like a process INFJs have to go through and accept.
As for picking which kind of partner, it depends on what the INFJ in question is looking for. Self-growth or harmony, or a neutral focus on both. In the case of ESTJ I would also think they're the best option for solely personal growth since we lack in areas where they flourish, and vice versa. A NF with a preference for Fe would be the best option for harmonizing. There are middle grounds since this is all on a spectrum of sorts. Shadow cognitive functions attract and give space for personal growth, but it also gives room for more difficulties as well. There are pros and cons for all MBTI relationship type combinations. But like you said, we cannot simply choose a romantic partner based on solely their MBTI type as there are other factors at play as well. Choose your poison.
Thank you for the insightful video.
Congratulations brother, I’m happy for you. I’m 39 and struggled with compatibility all my life, regarding romantic relationships. Just this year I’ve discovered I’m an Infj, in an instant my entire life made sense, and I also happened to meet and begin a new relationship with an Infj woman 😍. She’s perfect. Such great communication, understanding, and intimacy - everything.. off the charts. When people say two Infj’s won’t work together, I just can’t imagine it. I feel like I’ve found my soulmate. Again, I am so happy that you seem to have found the same thing as me, after such a difficult relationship based on “opposites attract”. I know the struggle well. Congratulations on your new found center and happiness. 🙏🏼
I'm happy for you. The other infj seems amazing
Everything you have said is so true. As an INFJ they are all the things that I want and expect in a relationship. I'm so sick of being with men who are too different from me- I can't believe how many toxic, narcissistic, nasty people there are out there. If INFJ men think the same way that you do (I've never met one), they would have to be my perfect partner. Intelligent conversation, deep feelings, understanding, intimacy, same values, goal oriented, someone who invests as much into the relationship as I do, idealistic, curious and creative.....oh my goodness....that is my idea of heaven! I can't see how any other personality type could work as well. Anyone who thinks that,is obviously NOT an INFJ and hasn't felt so alone in a relationship.
I'm an INFJ & was with one for 5 years. We were both unhealthy, and had different attachment styles.. constantly picking on eachothers anxieties. Our relationship was described a lot in this video with your current relationship. We found that we were a lot better as friends, so thats where we are now! Its great to have another INFJ in your life because you don't feel so alone & crazy but I agree that 2 in a relationship together doesn't always work. Not trying to be a downer on your relationship itself!! Everyone and every relationship is different, which you already know but I always feel the need to explain myself!!
Same... my relationship lasted 2yrs... it ended up being like gasoline on a fire. We ended up overthinking/overanalyzing our shared weaknesses to the point where we unintentionally KEPT each other in the Ni-Ti loop but convinced ourselves that was "good," because we were "deep diving" and doing "healing shadow work." No. Actually it was just huperfocused toxicity. Yes, he understood me better than any other human I've known STILL to this day... which made it so hard to SEE and DEBUNK the idealistic fantasy of "us,"... but in the end, the sameness really became our unraveling.
I'm an INTJ woman and at least 5 of my closes friends and family members are INFJ. I can openly be myself with them and ABSOLUTELY LOVE our interactions and discussions. I love listening to them and talking to them and relentlessly interrogate each other hahaha. I have an extremely hard time putting my feelings into words or even realizing that they are there, but I appreciate people who help me being aware. It is not always fun, but I am up for the challenge! Also, INTJs are very independent, and freedom is crucial! At least for me, I want to love someone in a way that the person feels free and respected.
So 💯✔ for me as INTJ.
As my ENFP girlfriend says: Life is a scam
Hahaha I love that 😂
My boyfriend is an ENFP.
I disagree. I think life is a puzzle to be solved, then with enough insight, it becomes an art form.
Life
Life is like a game of poker
Except you don't get to choose your table
Take the hand that you're dealt
Do the best you're able
You want to win big but don't have the chips
You build them up over time
Just to make it more exciting
Add a rum and coke with a twist of lime
Eventually you learn how others play
Able to call their bluff
Everyone has a telltale sign
You decide to play it tough
Trying to hide the sweat from your brow
You decide to go all in
Cover up the fear in your eyes
You hold your breath again
Completely exposed, you show your hand
Waiting for the river
Did you do enough or did they call your bluff
You just sit in your seat and quiver
When the final card is pulled
There's a sigh of relief
You finally won
Glory mixed with disbelief
Revel in the feeling of the win
Do you keep playing or cash out?
The best way is to find younger players
Teach them and help them figure it out
I‘m a programmer and INFJ, I feel VERY related to this 😅
as an infj, i find these deep dives into our personalities very helpful because it’s hard to understand our thoughts own feelings sometimes because we can be so caught up in other peoples feelings that we forget to take time and fully understand and be in touch with ourselves
I've been married to an ESTJ for 13 years. It was great, but then reality set in and it's become a shit show. We are working through deciding if divorce is the answer. If we end it, my next relationship will be with someone who has emotional intelligence, it's extremely important.
I am in a process of courting an ESTJ woman. It seems difficult at times. She seems to be a entirely different person. Its like we spek different languages. me- enfp man, she - estj. She seems to show care through physical action and deeds of affection and if I bring any emotional topics I want to discuss- than its me overanalyzing things or overthinking
I find this so validating! I would love to hear more of your thoughts around INFJs and the need for sexual intimacy. I’ve often struggled with this as Western culture tends to put sexuality in the realm of physical gratification and procreation but for me, it’s always been a vital mind-body-soul expression of who I am in relation with another human being, and a way to play with the full range of human experience. Wonder if you resonate or can speak to that as an INFJ. Keep up the insightful, candid and affirming work!
Great video Clay. Question: Where do we as INFJs who are naturally introverted, work full time, and are mostly progressing on our off time, find such a high quality partner? Any tips for increasing our exposure and odds or meeting that person?
It's a good question. I seem to find many of my friends through my hobbies and passions. For example, I do a lot of climbing, so in the process of hanging out in the climbing gym 3 or 4 times per week, I have met a couple good friends.
Ne users.. ENTPs/ENFPs/INTPS/INFPS are great at being able to handle our insight/banter. As well as ENFJs.
@@ClayArnall agree, just wanna play my life like a game to have diverse experiences as possible. Just find new things to do ! But if ending up someone is interested, ok, we’ll see why not. And friends too yes! After all, ppl come and go and walk away and I just learn enjoy the moment !
@@moniqueeebite good inside. I do find that I click really well with some people and others it’s literally sand paper every time. So strange. Maybe those I click well with are Ne. Any insight into how to seek out those types?
@@robertc801 Hahah, honestly the easiest way is to join mbti groups on Facebook. :~) I met some of my good ENFJ friends in typology groups, and just merely having people in my life that understand type has been sooo beneficial in us trying to understand each other.
38:15 This is horrifically accurate. We don’t understand ourselves
I’m an ENTP and really want a relationship with an INFJ, y’all seem so perfect for me.
I see your video- I like. It’s simple
You are the FIRST and ONLY person that feels the EXACT same way and have been analysing and processing basically every single word you have said. I 💯 agree!!!!!!!!
I am an INFJ who was married to a very intelligent narcissist for over 20 years. Was with him from 18 until 40. I divorced and stumbled upon a very stable, loving INTJ. He has allowed me to process and heal in a way I cannot verbalize. He accepts my babble and enjoys the insight I bring to our union. Can I have the conversations I require with him? No. But without his sure and stable demeanor, I would not have healed. We both need and require space but love physical touch and sex. I have brought emotional connection to his life and he has encouraged me to realize that I am my own person and my needs are as important as everyone else’s. He means what he says and plays no games whatsoever. For me coming from a long narcissistic relationship, it was what I needed. The comfort and love I get from him is beyond valuable to me. 9 years with no argument. No yelling. No games.
I do however have an ENFJ adult son who gives me the deep emotion dives of conversation I require. It just works for me…
And honestly the thought of another INFJ picking me apart as I recover from my past, seems like a nightmare 😂
Took me 65 years to get to the BULL'S EYE. I am grateful to the Almighty for coming across this clip. This is going to be a real blessing. Thank you, Clay. God Bless. Cheers
When you get shut down or the person you're trying to share with starts to space out all the time, it can be really hard to share ideas with anyone else. It's pretty awesome that the person you're with encourages you to speak up! :)
Man thanks for always share your experience about this rare type.. I'm an infj-t and I feel so much emotional and sensitive too. I like how you make this video so simple
Clay, you are 💯 spot on about INFJs needs in a relationship. We seek that authentic, emotional intimacy and understanding. We give intensely and lovingly, and we hope someone gives the same back.
Someone once told me that should be a sixth love language: seeking to understand and to be understood.
This spoke to me. You put in to words what I've failed to identify with in myself. This was the most validating video on relationships I've ever watched. And with that being said, I feel like I am even further away from one then I've ever felt before.
Thanks for the video mate, you're speaking to the souls of a lot of troubled individuals.
Hiya, i'm quite young, around 19 (I'll be 20 next month haha!!!!) so when you mentioned you wished your former self around that age knew about some of these things, I just wanted to let you know I found this soo soo sooooo very helpful & wanted to thank you because It helps so much!!😭 I'd been thinking a lot about relationships (of all kinds) lately, and for several, several, months now I've been diving into myself and it's been quite a journey. It's as you mentioned near the end, you know- obviously we don't want to feel bad, and we don't want to go through the hardship that is just becoming more self-aware, and becoming more aware of what we may need. and these videos help so much to get to that "spark," to that realization of growth and just self-actualization for me!! thanks so much for making these videos!! they really do make things so much clearer, and help me feel understood! and I'm sure many of you in the comments feel the same!! 💚you guys are awesome!!!!
I recently took a Myers Briggs personality test, it says I am a INFJ-T personality. I have never taken psychology that seriously, while it may be the best paradigm for the psyche that we have, it is also imperfect. I think that there is nothing unusual or rare about my personality type. None the less, I find self-expression difficult and it is soothing to have a foundation that is clearly defined & can be built upon. Thanks for ur insights, candor, & production.
As an INFJ, I feel that if the other person is not commenting on what I have said or asking questions, then they are really just placating me and in their own head with their own thoughts and not truly engaging...although it may LOOK like they are! I do fight about that in my relationship but I am learning to let it go and look for meaningful connections with other people. Although I do admit that it sucks.
I’m an ENTP married to a computer nerd INFJ and never been happier. We are both on the line of feeling (F) and thinking (T) and that’s where our compatibility hits hard. We can be emotional and nerdy. The understanding part you mentioned is important; we seam to be on the same stream of ‘sync’ vibrational consciousness. I take him out of his comfort zone and push him to succeed and he lets me know when I’m doing to much or taking on too many tasks. I’m glad I waited 35 years to find this and didn’t give up.
ENTP here. I want to find my INFJ.
ENTP engaged to an infj. Best, most honest and well rounded relationship ever :)
@@captainnatalie6937 this makes me happy and hopeful!
CS Joseph.... He's an ENTP. Just like my ex-h. You either love them or hate them lol!
My ex was an entp. He was flighty, impulsive, indecisive, bad with money. He was also charismatic, charming..love talking about himself.
Never again.......
@@toria9799 I feel you!
@@toria9799 I hear you, too 😝
There's some who believe he's an ESTJ. He is just too 'certain' about things, ENTP's like to explore ideas and constantly think them through, but C.S. Joseph makes his videos as if he knows everything about mbti and he's the expert, as if things are just one way or another. And ENTP's don't do that (in general).
@@toria9799 I feel you but you made me laugh with the ‘Never again’ part . Such an INFJ thing to say . Ni has decided enough is enough 😁
Very relatable, I think an ideal partner for an INFJ is a INTP
I am an INFJ, too. INFJ/INFJ relationship must be heavenly!
As an INFJ I don’t want relationship anymore. I am happy with myself.
As an ENTP, i also agree and feel the same way about your point #3... We tend to also have a ton of ideas of how we want to impact the world and as the years have gone by, i've learnt to really keep these thoughts and ideas to myself because i realize no one cares. I have recently met an INFJ through online app and he seems very interested in what i have to say, but i have to be honest, I am afraid to be vocal about my thoughts and so scared to ramble on because I am afraid I would freak him out...
I'm an INFJ who's not interested in sexual intimacy at all. In fact, I'm irritated by society defining a relationship by sex(uality).
There are asexual people out there and a whole spectrum to define where people land on it. I don't really know much about it to be honest. I only know how I personally define things based on what makes sense to me. But you're right, there might be other people that define things differently based on their own wants/needs.
@@ClayArnall Thank you. I'm 100% asexual, but if I was able to experience sexual attraction towards people, I might be very sexual, as you said in this video. I think many INFJs are at least DEMIsexual, meaning that they cannot feel sexually attracted to people before they form a strong emotional bond with them. I wonder if there is a relation between being an INFJ and being asexual/demisexual.
@@alexsauerbach105 I would definitely agree that , at least a healthy INFJ, would be demisexual. I don't know much about asexuality but if you don't have an emotional connection with sex or the physical, Se, that could make some sense for sure.
I wish I would read all the comments before I ask my question only to find others have asked before me. Thank you.
I too am Asexual or at least believe I am. Some short instances I may feel a sexual connection with someone but the thought of continuing and maintaining a long term relationship with that person almost makes my head explode. I have no knowledge of Demisexual preferences, but I will investigate thanks to you.
I feel the same. I am demisexual. I am disgusted by the idea of sex with anyone unless I am very deeply in love with them, and feel a strong emotional and spiritual connection with them.
I hate the way society *defines* relationships by sex and sexuality, as if that is what relationships are *based* on. People call them "sexual" relationships when they're not even about sex.
It especially bothers me when people joke about love/relationships as if sex is the driving factor. For example, when a person is in love with someone, and they're spending time with the person they love, or trying to impress them, and their friends (or others) will say they're "thinking with their dick" or "just doing it for the pussy"... Like, ew... No..? They're in love with someone and trying to make the person happy, spend quality time with them, and maybe work towards marrying them... Who said that was about sex?
Now that I had the honor to date and more an INFJ, I don't think that INFJ+INFJ is the worst pairing, because for me your point of "progress" is mandatory. Your example of wanting the other to make plans really amused me, because I know these situations. But these situations taught me to make plans on my own, because that's what she wants. If this weakness would have been balanced, I would have never learned this.
Another very nice point, I really agree to was: You said you 2 are fixing the problems quite fast. That's another advantage of 2 INFJs together, I think. INFJs are fixers by nature. And fixing is progress, and progress is life for most INFJs.
Hey Clay.
I, as an INFJ, have had an exhausting experience of being with an INTP for 3 years, I must say it was traumatic. He used to say that I was "too much" when all I ever wanted was a dialogue. This INTP was an extremely intelligent person but somehow "empathy" was an unfamiliar concept for him.
I think it's rare to find people with both high IQ and high EQ.
@@ClayArnall well, yeah. I come to the same conclusion
@@msgr9499 oh wow thanx for sharing! I knew wasn't alone in this haha
As an ENFP it seems hard to find that other that you can collaborate with and I find its always hard to have that initial interaction that fully expresses that opinion. I can completely relate to how your feeling about that side of you. It makes social interactions exhausting because you never dive into that side of you that is the real you.
Love this! Yes, finding the one you're most easily at your best with requires a lot of self knowledge on both sides. This has taken me until middle age to figure out. INFJ with an INFJ for 8 months. I can honestly say that it is the most healthy, easy, calm, supportive, and warm relationship I've ever been in. Permanently done with roller coaster, numb, or heavy relationships. Romantic or otherwise.❤
All the very very best!! My husband and I are both INFJs and been together 27 years.
@@sojourneroftheland Yes. Wouldn't change him for the world. We are INFJs but different too naturally. I know opposites can attract but it doesn't always mean it will work. We have enough differences to make it interesting. All the best Sojourner.
I sure wish I'd had this guide when I was 18...
Now that I am halfway through my life I do believe I now understand what I need in a partner...
As an INFJ - T I found out that I like being around people that break me out of my own boundries because I have hard time doing myself. People that are spontaneus, cheerfull, outgoing etc. I feel really energised by them
It's all very well to say what you need in relationships...so what are you as an INFJ as a human being prepared to give in a relationship. Relationship is intended to be about growth learning and challenging each other to develop into mature compassionate hearts. It doesnt matter who you connect to just remember to bring these qualities
Trust, loyalty, empathy, kindness, reflection, generosity the capacity to listen to the undeath message...you cant fix anyone
Understand yourself and your shadow first of all 🤲🤲🤲🤲
My partner's cognitively 50/50 the same, and opposite of me. She's an INTJ, so we have polar Ni and Se in the same position. Our opposites are Fe-Ti and Te-Fi, so we compliment each other in that way. In the personality psychology class I took, the studies that I read show that more in common's better for the long term. Ne dom's are also intuitive dom's, but their intuition is opposite of ours. In my experience, opposites can either clash or compliment. It just depends on the situation. I played in a band w/ an ENTP. He was able to come up with a lot of possibilities for new songs with Ne, but they were random and almost directionless. It was difficult to get him to settle down on an idea. I like what he did, but this often clashed with the way I like to do things. Anyhow, all of these so called ideal matches can work. It just depends on the individual, & what they desire in a partner. There's a lot outside of personality type that matters too. My INTJ also plays guitar, likes science fiction movies, books, psychology and poetry. She also an HSP that has similar values, so it works out really well for us. We're both planners, & we have a fairly organized household. As for communication, ours has improved a lot. She's not emotionally closed off, just very private, so I had to be patient with her.
I had a relationship with a manipulative narcissist/ESTJ. A lot of what you said about your ESTJ ex is quite relatable.
I have always felt so alone in regards to dating...just feeling like i cant seem to connect...thanks Clay.
From INFJ 🇦🇺
INFJ here. Agreed, I like this list 👍 I feel like I prefer a partner very similar to myself. Still looking. 😏😁 Idk that this is an INFJ thing but rather more of a masculine/feminine polarity idea but, I need a man that has a nice balance of assertiveness. I don't want an a$$hole nor a coward and I've notice for me, even after finding someone I feel compatible with, this can make/break the relationship.
Thank You so much for doing these videos! This one has a special place in my heart. I really needed this, perfect timing.
I’m a firm believer that an INFJ can give what is needed to another individual relationally as long as that individual is taking all necessary steps to understand the INFJ and see where they are coming from. Doesn’t mean they have to agree on everything or be alike. Doesn’t mean they have to be polar opposites. This unique quality is both a strength and a weakness of the INFJ in a relationship. If we feel someone wants to connect with us and really understand us, this draws them closer and vice versa when no one takes the effort. Great vodeo