Her Actual Reasons For Divorce - Stop the Confusion
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- čas přidán 24. 06. 2024
- I often hear from my clients and viewers that they just don’t get why she left, when they didn’t actually do anything wrong! Sure, they made a few mistakes, but that’s human. Nothing worth divorce. This is one of the ways how divorce changes a man - leaving him feeling confused, bitter and deeply mistrustful towards other women.
In this video I help you understand how and why this happens, and I share one powerful, simple way to break free from those painful feelings and open up the possibility of a happier future for yourself.
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Your divorce can either be the nail in your coffin, or it can be the catalyst you use to finally confront and heal your emotional wounds so they don't kneecap your relationships.
You can become the best version of yourself and take control of your future. And now you can get access to the same step by step, proven system that has already helped hundreds of men do just that, inside the Better Beyond Divorce App.
GET ACCESS TO THE BETTER BEYOND DIVORCE APP NOW:
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Additional Resources
Free Masterclass: HOW TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
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Guide: Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men & How to Heal within Each Stage
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Dating After Divorce Checklist: Are you ready to date after your divorce?
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Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma amzn.to/3umFPkj
► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time amzn.to/3F326IS
► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose amzn.to/3BaDyg9
► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential amzn.to/3H6ofsF
► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive. amzn.to/3UxdsuC
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place. amzn.to/3VNMOi7
I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
Women give a lot of reasons for divorce. Loss of intimacy, control, poor communication, feeling unappreciated, unrespected, unloved and so on. For men, this often comes as a bit of a shock. Sure, these are problems that should be addressed, but are they true failures of the marriage? Do they warrant divorce? It sure doesn’t feel like it for most men.
I often see this being a key element of how divorce changes a man. It’s one of the main reasons life after divorce for a man can be so challenging. When your ex wife leaves you, citing weak reasons for divorce, it makes you question both yourself and her. For many men it seems crazy to even imagine trusting a woman again, which makes moving on after divorce or having meaningful relationships again really challenging.
Surviving divorce and moving on after divorce is much easier if you understand the real reasons your ex wife left in the first place. She might not actually understand the true underlying reason herself! But it’s there. The problem isn’t that you had an unsuccessful marriage or that you were a bad husband. The problem is ultimately the communication or intimacy. It’s loneliness. People get divorced when they feel alone. If you want to get past divorce and move on, you have to look below the surface, past your ex wife’s aggression or complaints, and see the underlying doubts, fears and needs, in her and in you. - Jak na to + styl
It will be difficult my brothers.
Keep your head up and work on you.
Always remember you are the prize not her.
I feel bad for my ex wife. She will never realize what she really lost when she filed for divorce. Grass is not always greener on the other side.
Isn't that the truth? Thanks for being here and sharing your thoughts.
I don't
she did because she lack honor to self reflect and it’s easier to blame me for breaking her. !!! she is doing the biggest favor in my life , i said to her YOU. quit without ever trying… THEY GET PAID TO LEAVE … you have to except the fact you have zero control of the other person, she’ll always be empty because someone else can’t fill her empty tank
I went through a lot of financial crisis after my divorce, I had to raise my two kids alone, Currently I'm living smart and frugal with my money,bought my third house already. Saving and investing lifestyle made it possible for me; even till now I earn monthly through passive income. I'm planning on retiring when my kids finish college,just hope it encourages someone that it doesn’t matter if you don’t have any of them right now, you can start TODAY regardless your age INVEST and change your future! Investing is a grand choice I made. Great video! Thanks for sharing
Glad I came across this comment section. I was struggling to decide what to do with a good amount of money in the bank doing nothing. I would be happy if you could advise me, as I am ready to go the passive income path.
Alright so generally, investing requires higher knowledge. For this reason, It's important to have a solid support structure (financial consultant) to guide you through especially in asset picking. I operate with (REGINA LOUISE COLLARO) an investment advisor who partners with a licensed wealth management firm. For the record, the experience has been the best for my finance. She is quite popular for her services so you might have heard of her.
She made me financially stable investing through her help, now I earn on a monthly basis through her passive income strategy. So I’ll advise you do get a good Investment advisor for yourself.
Thank you for your advice. It's challenging to find a reliable investment advisor, and I appreciate your input. Seeing the successes you've achieved through investing, I would love to have access to your investment advisor's information if you wouldn't mind sharing it.
look her up on the internet and leave her a message she's quite popular for her services as she was recently featured on cnn. She can work with anyone irrespective of where their located
Personally, I'm blessed and realizing I'm not the only one working with Regina Louise Collaro. I will consider myself lucky. I've been able to feed and make a living through her advice and great work. For such a person as Regina, I owe her gratitude, support and endless prayers as it is not easy to gain access to such a competent and reliable adviser. Who isn't just wise but has all it takes to handle an investment and is good at what she does.
I tried to save the marriage… I was married for 30 years.. I saw a woman who was family proud turn into a lying deceitful selfish dismissive individual who took advantage of my loyalty, honour and respect while she had a 4 2:01 year betrayal with another man and at the same time telling me I was the problem, I was a horrible individual… the gaslighting was incredible.. I thought my love was poison. It took me years to work through it and yes.. my faith in women is slim to none..
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
My wife divorced me because I played golf once a week with my friends. And she side I was too negative. I always cleaned the house for her. She never had to vacuum never had to mop a floor. I did all that for her,fixed things around the house paint the rooms went food shopping, helped raised my daughter, took her to soccer practice and soccer games etc. so I guess that means I suck as a husband.😢
wow sorry bro
Hi, I’m sorry you’re hurting and I’m not trying to make it worse, but I’m hearing you say you cleaned “for her“ you vacuumed “for her“ helped raise your daughter ??? Dude! Listen to that. It was Your house too, right? The kid was yours too, right? Why are you looking at those things as doing something ‘for her’? That implies you think she should feel obligated for these thing that you’re doing “for her“. Next time out, pay attention to that and I think things might be better.❤ when you do those things it’s because you’re part of the team and you’re doing them for the both of you, for the family unit, to help achieve the unified goal. Not something you’re doing that she now needs to pay back. that’s a form of keeping score.
I sincerely wish you better luck in your future #Don’tKeepScore
@@CollinsCorp Yes but women keep score all the time and they chose not to remember all the sacrifices you made. They are ruled by their fickle emotions and once they check out at that level it is OVER.
It's called honoring your vows. Commitment. But those don't mean anything anymore. Any reason is good enough. Call it what it is. Clown world. Truly.
the best advice for a divorced man, just move on , let her go and focus on your self, your job and your health and with the passage of time your emotions will be stabilized. I gnore her and use no contact rules and looking for other wife that you deserve.
The trouble is that I’m suspicious of all women now
@@Big_Daddiofacts
But, compounding the fact that she is willing to destroy you financially adds to the bitterness and sour taste in having any other trustworthy fulfilling relationship. How can someone reopen those door once again, when it’s hard to give that trust? When you hear similar things from most women? When they have the same list of demands? When you start hearing the same mirrored speech patterns as if they had the same schooling on how to gaslight the man into this person whom they can be take advantage of? I immediately start putting my walls up with a determination to have nothing to do with any woman beyond the point of a simple conversation. Because, I am not looking nor willing to be put in a box, where I can be treated like this ever again by a person who was only there to use me as a provider, with my energy, time and resources? It’s hard to see a person being genuinely real and truthful these days. It seems that it’s all about what you can do for them right off the back with the person even knowing anything about you personally. The demands generally come first in the initial contact. The intent in asking for so much is usually a fairytale for the common woman. Thinks that they usually never required from their previous mates. But no shocker there right. But men are pulling back from the dating scene because this what they here. This is our experiences in this new era of the modern day woman who are not it for the long haul of the relationship. Who are not loyal and have bo problem bouncing around or monkey branching onto the next guy. It’s too much to ask for if you ask me. Men have to sacrifice so much for very little in return and that is the dilemma isn’t it?
Absolutely. Totally agree with your comments. 👍
She's was socially engineered to never be yours. And she never was. It was merely your turn on her amusement park ride. Both Bruce Springsteen's "Tunnel of Love" and the Tubes "Shes a Beauty" vintage videos show this dynamic all too well. In the videos Bruce escaped and got away and was waved to by the men who didnt still stuck on the merry go round. In the Tubes video he didnt escape and had to be wheeled away as a prematurly aged broken down old man. In the "My Cousin Vinny" movie Miss Vito said, "He has to disclose his files to us he's not allowed any surprises"...
Distrustful is an understatement no trust,yep and never will change ,ya thats me....now forever
I am moving on, We have been seperated for 4 months after 28 years together and 24 years of marriage. 25 of 28 years were great. The paperwork is done. She moved out said she doesn’t need me she wanted to want me which made no sense. I live with my kids in a family home that we bought from her family and i rebuilt myself. Our daughter wants a relationship with her mother who has emotionally checked out. She is so into her job, I was tired of being last on the list. We became roommates I did everything to make her life easier so she could focus on her career. I worked 50-60 hours a week, took care of my kids and our multiple properties. When we see each other face to face she gets emotional. I am a drama free super nice guy who prefers peace over conflict. We never fought about anything, and I adored her. She started texting with another man and I didn’t even get angry, I told her i want her to just be happy. I know i am a great person, and she is too, we are not right together anymore.
My now ex wife just one day up and kicked me out of our home no reason giving then when I told her I didn't want a divorce she asked for one, I tried to work things out but she told me she didn't love me anymore that right there was the stake through my heart. I know I made mistakes in our marriage this was my 1st marriage I learned as I was going through it, she wasn't the same person I married at the beginning, its sad even after everything we have been through I still feel love for her, even after she broke my heart into pieces, but I've moved on since then just trying to pick up the pieces and try to figure out what happened, I really didn't see it coming. And now almost 1yr after being divorced she still has people watching everything I do and reports back to her even though we don't have no contact with each other
You could move away from her...
Ma'am you are gold. I'm largely out the other end of my ended relationship. Used a few books, online content, and time to get there, but gosh, you're spot on. A lot of fellas are bound to transition to a better place from your pieces. Thank you for it.
Be a free agent don't risk losing everything in a divorce.
I like how you have talked to so many guys about this, you know exactly how we think about this. Also the "she shouldn't file for divorce without HAVING A GOOD REASON" line is hilariously how i felt that quite a bit over my journey.
Hi Jordan, thanks for watching and sharing. I have to admit, this surprised me when I first started exploring it with my clients. I had my own assumptions that I hadn't fully examined! I think it is a big challenge for a lot of couples - both partners tend to assume that the other one has the same mental "rule book" for marriage as they do, and then it's so shocking when they find out that isn't the case.
Thank you Racheal these CZcams channel is the only thing getting me through.
Its a tricky thing introducing the idea that anyone's former spouse was hurting and feeling alone and is human and not some crazy sadistic creature from hell. Are you right? Of course you are. Dead on, 100% every word. But having recently been married for 28 years myself, that thinking triggers my instinct to feel sorry for her, to protect her, to forgive her for her accountability. I did the 'how could she do this' thing for a year or more until i realized that the person i thought she was couldn't do those things, but the person she actually IS, well who knows. It gave me some closure at least and i accept i will never have the answers for so many things, but maybe thats for the better.
It is a tricky thing! It's a lot easier to be bitter or angry... and often people need those feelings to get out of despair and move forward with their lives. But she's human. So are you. The even harder truth might be that it isn't your job to protect her or feel sorry for her. She is responsible for herself, as you are responsible for you. The hardest part of all of this may be shaking free from the roles you were taught you were supposed to fill, so that in your next relationship you have the opportunity to experience real partnership.
It sounds like you are finding your way forward, and through accepting the things that are hard to accept. Thank you for watching and for sharing some of your thoughts.
You are so right. I’m in the same situation
I’m very impressed with your channel Rachael really impressed, and that’s coming from a guy who has gone down the male red pill route, my ex wife tried to monkey branch to her friends husband our neighbours all the kids are friends, it failed of course he used her whilst begging to go back to his wife, she divorced him, my now ex wife will never admit why she asked for separation and for me to leave the family home, obviously when her fantasy failed and I used the pain to hit the gym and self improvement and other females wanted to take her place guess who spent a couple of years hinting and flirting to get loyal husband back! No thanks my self respect and worth Is worth more than that, so two broken homes for nothing because of Female emotions, I wish more woman would watch these videos as it would stop them making ridiculous life changing decisions and to understand their emotions, she is now a nearly 50 year old single mum and unfortunately has multiple sclerosis with no husband to support her, keep up the great work I’m going to get through plenty of your videos, al, the best from England 🏴
Hi Carl, thanks so much for watching, and thanks for sharing some of your story here. I'm really sorry that you went through all of that, and I can see that there are still a lot of painful pieces there for you as well. I hope the videos help you figure out what it is that you might still be holding on to or need to work through at this stage in order to achieve your goals for yourself. I appreciate your kind words and I'm really glad the videos have been helpful.
Men have to stop treating relationships like computers or cars with a broken part that can simply be fixed. This linear way of thinking, while good for many things in society, is NOT the correct prism with which to views relationships and women. If a woman says she's done. You can offer once to fix something. You CAN'T PUSH THE ISSUE. This is just another way of invalidating or ignoring her desires and feelings and telling her she's wrong. How does doing that make her want to stay with you?
Guys, you have to learn to just give up and let go. Let her go. Find someone else. A man who is able to build a relationship and maintain it for years, sometimes longer than others, needs to not be so down on himself. She could have just stopped loving you for whatever reason. And that could be another man. And if another man has her heart, IT'S OVER! You CAN'T NEGOTIATE GENUINE ATTRACTION! "If I just do X,Y and Z, she'll get moist for me again." Nope. It's over. Be a man. Stand strong and move on.
Wow. Im so glad I found this when I did. It happened almost exactly as you described. Served papers a week ago, 6 months into our 3rd seperation. Whatever I did to change and improve was not enough. She obviously fell out of love (as you described in another video about your accident) and was just looking for the opportunity to pull the trigger. A 20 year marriage too.
Rachel, you are an angel. I can't believe how accurate your words are here. And so calming 😌. I realize now that this is a widespread problem for guys. We are not alone! Now I have to find it in my heart to forgive her and let her go - which means stop dwelling on the divorce and her all day and all night; as she has probably done already! Lol.
Wow
I'm so glad this video was helpful. Thank you for watching and for your kind words. It sounds like you are taking big steps in the direction of healing, letting go and moving forward, which is wonderful to hear!
If you'd like more specifics on how to forgive, stop dwelling and really let go, please check out my free masterclass. It goes deeper into the nitty gritty 'how to' of moving through pain, reclaiming confidence and finding forgiveness.
You can find the details here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
I wish you the best in this journey. It isn't an easy one, but I can see that you're already moving in a positive direction.
Hello Rachel. I was left by my wife a day after our anniversary in September .Blindsided is not totally true. But still shocked to say the least. My self like many other men have searched for answers to our questions through therapy and friends and of course You tube. I just want to mention that your content really puts things in a better perspective and brings light to the confusion I have felt for months now. You have given me many tips on how we got to the place of separation. I like many got blamed for the spouses unhappiness when there is some truth there. Your video pointed it out. Men really weren’t taught how women work and it seems that even changed like the cars we drove in the 60s and 70s compared to the ones we drive now. Many men may agree that we didn’t get that memo. Thanks for the heads up to see myself and be better If love comes calling again….
Thank You for what you do! Your videos are so helpful and give a solid perspective of what is going on because this is all the unknown for me!
You're so welcome! I'm really glad to hear it. If you're finding these videos helpful, you should take a look at my free masterclass here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
It goes a lot deeper into the process of fully letting go and getting your life on track after divorce than I can do in these youtube videos. I think you'll find it useful! Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment.
My wife was diagnosed at 38 with stage 3 triple negative breast cancer. She went through chemo, radiation, and double mastectomy. I was with her through all of it. Her personality changed after treatment ended. She became colder to me. Intimacy was gone. We were just living in auto pilot. Now she wants to divorce. She says it was years of resentment. Won’t give specifics and won’t try to work on our marriage. She’s become very mean toward me. She’s a completely different person. Our marriage wasn’t perfect but it was a good marriage. Could all of this be from cancer? The fear of it coming back and feeling all alone?
Hi, I'm sorry to be so slow in my reply here. How are you doing now?
What your wife went through was likely quite traumatic (I say likely because trauma is not a set thing for everyone, we all experience different degrees of traumatic reaction to the same set of events). The nature of trauma is that it impacts our ability to relate and connect. This video describes what happens to someone's nervous system in response to trauma really well, and it might help you right now: czcams.com/video/br8-qebjIgs/video.html
If you haven't already, I would strongly recommend seeking some support yourself as you navigate this. I host a private community for men going through separation and divorce, and it is a great place to share what is happening, get support and access effective tools and resources for managing your own mental and emotional health. Plus you can reach me directly there, and often I can offer feedback or coaching that can help when things get tricky.
You can find details here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
Wow. That was deep. Very different way to view her behavior. TY
You're weelcome, Mike. Thanks for watching and commenting. If you ever want to go even deeper... check out my new Better Beyond Divorce App. It's got a lot of good resources that go beyond the scope of what I can realistically share here on YT, and it's free to get started: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app
Thanks for being here and being part of this community!
That’s pretty much what I’m going through, but she tells you want some time off by herself. She wants to work on herself. She told me to work on myself She has an asked for divorce because she’s not ready yet To Givesme another chance but it feels like I have hope she tells me that.
My ex just divorced me six months ago over some of the things you mentioned. Including I'm not happy! We had a blended family, we both brought a child into our union and had one together. I think it was someone in the background.
Don't date moms
Rachael your diagnosis is so on target. I sure can see how this happened in my 35 year marriage and your teaching will help me be more at peace with her decision, to wish her well with her new man who apparently provides what I did not and to prepare for a future successful relationship if that is what God has in store for me. Thank you sincerely.
You're welcome, Jeffrey. I'm really sorry to hear about your divorce. Making your peace with that after 35 years is not an easy task. Do you have some good support in your life right now?
Another successful relationship ,u mean like the one you thought u had in your 35 yr marriage, good luck with that my man its a shitty world out there now!
Thank You Rachael
Very good video. It is hard to hear it, and it is harder still to accept it. I do not doubt any of it. It is truth in the real sense. The sad part is that "you've lost that loving feeling" is all it means, and there is little chance of getting it back. Rachael, how many times have you witnessed this exchange: Her "I want him to do X, Y , and Z." A couple weeks later they come back, and he did X, Y, and Z. He actually modified his behavior. At the next session she says "It was like he was checking things off a list." Mine went one step further...she refused to even say what X, Y, and Z were, because she knew that I had it in my power to do whatever it was.
Your training teaches you to tell a man that the heinous things that a divorcing woman does to a man do not compromise her humanity. Likewise, does society tell a woman that no matter what he does or did, he's still a human deserving of compassion? Like millions of men across America, I was served with a petition for divorce full of demonstrably false accusations. Her lawyer took those statements, and defamed my character in public with false and misleading accusations, that now could be fodder for a court to use against me. And you think this kind of lying does not diminish her humanity, while she is diminishing mine?
Hi M W, my ex marriage also ventured slightly down this "X, Y, Z thing" as well in counselling. So I can vouch for that happening
Hi M W, thank you for being here and sharing your story.
I'm glad this video was one that you enjoyed, and I cannot tell you how sad it makes me to know the way you've been treated in the courts, by your ex wife and all the professionals involved in your case.
It's not right. It's not fair. And yes, I would argue that it "should" be different.
Yet if I honestly answer your question, does this kind of lying diminish her humanity, does her diminishing yours not diminish hers... I have to answer no.
You are human. And so is she.
The one thing I know for certain is that evil does not exist. Which means that even the most heinous, reprehensible actions must make sense. They must make sense within the context of the human brain that chose (consciously or not) to take that action.
I've worked with clients who were physically abusive. Their actions? Horrific. Awful. Undeniably WRONG. And yet... when I sit with them, when I am curious, and seek, without judging, to understand what their internal experience was in the moment that they committed that action, I find, without fail, that it makes sense.
Horrible acts are horrible. Yet they are not acts of evil. They are desperate, often unnecessary and incredibly ineffective, attempts at seeking safety or love. I have yet to see a case where that is not true.
The action may be absolutely wrong and bad. Yet the person doesn't go away. The human is still there.
The flip side is that she cannot diminish your humanity. It isn't something that can be reduced. It simply exists. You are human. You are you. She cannot take that away from you. She, and the courts, might take your money, they might take your children, but they cannot diminish your humanity.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Grab your backpack, we have some ground to cover. I'm not sure what your definition of evil is. You acknowledge an act can be horrible, meaning good or bad. But in a world where good and bad exist, evil does not. I take this to mean you draw a line between humanity and the divine? That humans, not being divine, are incapable of evil because that is the realm of the divine? I don't mean to ask if you believe in a divine being or divinity or spiritualism, but that seems to be the point where "evil" is for you.
Slavery was, and is to this day, the diminishment of the humanity of the slaves. Humans can and do perpetrate acts that, for our time on earth, deny them their humanity. Women who are sex trafficked are no less human in nature, but they are being denied their humanity by the acts of their captors, who are also humans. A man who is victimized by a vindictive spouse who accuses him of the kind of things I stand accused of cannot be sure his right to be treated as a "full human" will ever be restored, once the accusation has been made. Later retractions and apologies mean nothing to someone who will never see trust in his child's eyes again.
@@mw1606 You raise so many great questions! Let's see...
Good vs. Bad
Yes, I use this language to describe actions as good or bad. However when I apply these labels they are simply my thoughts. My opinions. They are optional labels. Good and bad are constructs, concepts created by the human brain. I don't believe that they actually exist outside the human mind. Certainly the natural world doesn't bother itself over the illusion of good or bad.
The Divine
I don't believe in Good or Evil on a divine scale either. Theology and personal belief may be a topic for another conversation. For now I'll simply say these are illusions created by humans.
Diminishing Humanity
When I speak of humanity I am referring to the power we each have to be intentional about what we think and where we place our focus.
I am not talking about human rights. Frankly, those are also a construct of the human mind. Human rights do not exist outside the established norms and expectations of a human culture. And the "rights" of many people around the world are violated repeatedly, every day.
The humanity I refer to that is your ability to own what happens within your own mind. How you think of yourself, how you feel about yourself, that belongs to you.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Well, let me apply what you said.
I think, therefore I am human. And good and bad are what my Ex decides are good and bad. She says her infidelity is good, so it's good. I say it's bad, so it's bad. But we are both operating under illusions, so we are both wrong and both right at the same time, but good and bad is a mere thought, so we are actually both wrong, because mere thoughts are just chemical reactions, they have no intrinsic meaning.
Then marriage is a shared delusion. And when the delusion is over, too bad for you both, it was all just a delusion. You invested your flesh in it, your blood, sweat, tears, the only life you have to give, but hey, it was all just a temporary figment of your mutual imaginations. It's over now, just let it go, it was a waking dream, you might have been better off dreaming you were the King of England, at least the pay would have been better.
But unfortunately for me, and all the other men in America, the American Legal System does not deal in delusions. While marriage may have been a temporary insanity on the part of me, my ex spouse, and all the people who had the delusion we were married including the children we supposedly had, the government is now allowed to rob me of my money and children based on a delusion, a mere thought. If I just had never imagined I was married, I would never have lost everything I wanted and worked for in my life. I could tell the government "marriage is just a made up thing, I am keeping my money. And my kids." They'll put me in jail, but jail, like all marriages, is a delusion. In my mind, I'm free.
and at this point, I can't even be sure I have lived, because I may not be alive, I may just be an unfortunate character in someone else's dream, a mere fleeting thought by some other being across the cosmos.
You have a blessed voice, and very insightful. The best I've heard so far
Thank you Joseph. I'm glad you found the video helpful.
I'm hosting a live call on Wednesday to do a deeper dive into some of the strategies I've found to be effective for my clients in moving on from divorce. Please join me if you can!
LIVE Training: Take Back Control of Your Life After Divorce
DATE: Wednesday, December 21st, 2022
TIME: 5 pm PST
Sign up now to save your seat! rcsloan87.clickfunnels.com/webinar-registrationcxmo090
thank you
Thanks for this video. Gave me lots to think about.
Rachel, I have recently discovered and am consuming your videos that seem to be on point on so many areas. I was married for 23 years. Divorced for almost 4 now. I am so tempted to send this to my X to see what she thinks. I’ve made so many mistakes after the divorce would that be another one. I’m really curious because she never was good at communicating.
I think you are spot on and my wife probably had similar reasons for divorcing me, but I suspect she will feel even worse after the divorce, especially without having any money!
How are you doing during this whole process? Do you have a good support system for yourself?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I did very badly when it kicked off, especially because we have a 9 year old and I couldn’t believe that my wife could be so selfish. I had some therapy now and it helped a lot to talk to someone who is a professional outsider
@@cosmodoc that's great news. I'm glad you've done that. It does make a huge difference. It is so hard to get past actions that impact children.
Narcissists are vindictive and on a different spectrum that this video doesn't cover. Great video btw.
Very helpful thank you.
You’re very welcome. I’m so glad this video helped. Thanks for watching!
This video was spot on to the situation I am currently in. I can't believe how accurate it is.
I'm sorry that you're in that situation. I hope this video was helpful. Thank you for watching and commenting. Is there anything that is helping you move through this right now?
Thanks so much for this!
Thank you for this Rachel.
You're welcome, Jordan. Thank you for watching.
Rachael, first, thank you thank you thank you. And....I hope this isn't creepy sounding, or inappropriate, but...I love you. You just answered and opened my eyes to some questions
I've been going insane over....for ten years. Yes, I said ten years. I've searched the internet, read countless articles, talked to people that know my ex and I well, and I have talked to a counselor. You just helped me see some things I had not thought of. If I was in front of you right now I would hug you. If I could afford you, I would book some time with you. Thank you Rachael with all my being and love. You are a master jedi in your field. Thanks again, JP
Hi JP, thank you for your amazing kind words. It's not creepy at all, in fact I'm honored to hear that these videos have had such an impact.
I have just launched a new version of my coaching program that is designed to be affordable above all else, as I've been hearing this sentiment from a lot of people who want to do this work with me.
It might be a good resource for you right now for going deeper into these new awarenesses, and it would also give you and I an opportunity to connect personally in my Community and on monthly calls. Here are the details: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-community-landing
You need to get redpilled, my friend .
By purest definition, understanding and accepting the differences between men and women.
Start with Rolo Tomasi.
Also try books by Dr John Gray, author of Venus and Mars series for another approach.
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
Great job, Rachel.
Thank you. I appreciate that. Thanks for watching and being part of my community.
Looking forward to this one.
Should divorce me because she cheated on me and says she don't deserve me anymore and that I deserve better and she feels guilty That she hurt me. I call bullshit
Agreed
I find in these situations shes wanting the divorce to make things easier for her cause shes already moved on to that guy and she will keep it from u so u wont give her any trouble ,contest or drag it out and watch her change the way she cares about you,i agree its allways some angle with women
I dont usually post messages but that sounds exactly like you were talking about my situation. Together for 30. years Even though it was a few months ago she’s made up her kind and is now gone forever. 😢
This is the best video about this topic . It all makes sense. Woman really need help with their emotions amd common sense.
You described my situation to a T. I've been going through scenario after scenario in my head for two weeks now and just can't make heads or tails of it. I wish so bad she would have talked to me before making the decision to move out and ask for a divorce. She won't budge from it either.
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. The suddeness can be so confusing.
Unfortunately the reason most women are so stubborn is because they've been trying for awhile and have already grieved the marriage at this point. Often women think they have talked to their husbands about it, many times, in fact. But they aren't communicating in a way that he can hear.
There can be a lot of variables at play, much of it thanks to societal conditioning that is so different for men and women and leads us to express and deal with emotions and problems in ways that are often incompatible.
How are you doing? Do you have a support system?
I'm hosting a free workshop starting this week that is going to teach more tools for dealing with the difficult emotions and making sense of the divorce.
It will give you some new perspectives and support in processing this.
You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/free-workshop
I going through this exact thing! It’s so painful.. we just had a one year old and she’s 6 months pregnant now and filed for divorce
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
Thank you!! I needed to hear that too! Also, looking at all these comments makes me feel like I'm not alone. I'll check out your masterclass. I saw a comment about your ex falling out of love. Could you send me the link to that video? Thx, again!
You are certainly not alone. I'm not sure which video that commentor was referring to... You might find this one helpful though: czcams.com/video/U9NUKMVqBSM/video.html
I hope you enjoy the masterclass! I also just launched the Better Beyond Divorce App. The free version has a lot of resources, as well as options for getting further support and ways to connect to a community of men dealing with similiar challenges: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-free-app
Your videos have been incredibly helpful. Although my divorce has remained mostly dignified, the confusion, classic symptoms have all been there. I feel for anyone going through this. The periodic shame spiral has been hardest.
Hi John, thank you for watching. I'm glad the videos have been helpful. If you're open to sharing... what has helped you the most with the periodic shame spirals? Have you found something specific that helps you move out of that spiral?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Something specific? Well, a big part of reducing any of the sensations I've experienced has been to limit my exposure to her in every reasonable way possible. I have come to the conclusion (not a revelation, but it helped hearing it) that clearly, there is nothing unique about my divorce, my ex-wife's behavior or mine. I went through some textbook grieving and she didn't seem to bat an eye after 20 years of marriage. Although we've been pretty calm about all of it, I've been grieving quite a bit. Unfortunately, we live just a few blocks from each other. I finally made the decision to limit any communication to texts and email. No more in-person things or phone calls. It's still polite and business-like, (as was the marriage) I'm just eager to move on with my life.This strategy has helped. Also, I've gained some real insight from watching your videos. I wish I would have happened upon them before I spent so much time in couples counseling. I suspect my ex-wife had disengaged from the marriage a few years (or longer) prior to the marriage's end. Like so many men, I thought it was going well...okay. And then it was over so fast, it was clear she had planned it for while. Again, nothing unique. Thank you for doing what you do, and for responding to so many comments. I'm surprised you have time for anything else. 🙂
Thanks for the video very helpful.
Thank you! I needed this today!
You're welcome! Thank you for being here and being part of this community.
Everything you mentioned happened to me! she even proposed a divorce,and she is mean to me...
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
2:00 It makes sense when you consider there's another man (or men) in the background.
Men feel the same thing except we’re not selfish. Well at least wait till the kids leave
To be the devil's advocate... I don't think staying together for the kids is necessarily a good thing for the kids.
The research shows us that kids need at least one adult in their lives who is emotionally available, attuned and responsive in order to grow up and form healthy relationships as an adult.
If two people who are not happy together are trying to fake it and share a life for their kids, they are both going to be dealing with strong emotions - resentment, frustration, resignation, sadness, dissatisfaction... a whole bunch of colors of unhappiness. All of that makes it hard to be fully emotionally present and attuned to your children.
If a couple can separate or divorce and one or both parents can finally take care of themselves emotionally they'll be able to be that support system their kids need to grow into securely attached adults. For some couples, that option probably makes the most sense.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachlet’s get those divorce rates up !
Wow this is spot on. I really needed this it's nice to know your not alone.
Hi Tyler, thanks for watching. You are NOT alone. I hear this so much, from almost every client. It's a sad effect of our society in my opinion - we create expectations and rules that don't account for human biology, and then we fail to teach people how to regulate emotions or communicate about what they really feel because their whole lives all we've taught them is to be ashamed of what they feel... and then we get these massive misunderstandings that leave folks devastated after divorce. How are you doing? Do you have a good support system right now?
Rachel, I know your videos are for men, but I literally left my husband yesterday, and your videos have been incredibly helpful to me. In 2019, I asked him to go to counseling with me, after 2 sessions he refused to go anymore. I tried being the "good Christian wife," I tried the Celestine energy giving, I tried to start living my own life, and I got lonelier and lonelier. I finally couldnt stand it anymore, so I spent one day and packed up and left the next morning, after he got home from work. He accused me of "running away" and I am. I dont know who or what I am anymore. We dont have kids. Just a dog, that I miss, but your videos are so much more helpful in helping me figure out what I'm feeling than the ones for women. Thank you.
I hope you are doing alright, as a man, no matter how hard this is, in the long run it's better for everyone. I would rather my partner leave me than live a life that is a lie.
If your not best mates with your partner and there for each other then what is the point.
Wish you all the best.
Wow. You are the first person to help me make sense of things. Spot on!
Mine is a narcissist and she probably is cheating I tried to save it but it can’t be saved.
Rachel - you should charge for these sessions. All you said is true - but then add in a layer of lying and cheating and still blaming me for everything wrong in her life. Let her suggest I was an inferior lover which suggests adultery. Then add in her having a heart attack and calling rescue - staying with her in the hospital overnight, running errands being attentive and then being told the heart attack was my fault and how disappointed she is that I deserted her in her hour of greatest need. The load of darkness having to deal with this is beyond imagination. But thank you for hitting so many great points. You are one of the few that actually look at this from the perspective of the one that has no idea how all this happened.
I wish my husband would go to counseling. I asked about it a few times. We went to 2 sessions. I felt like it would be helpful, but he didn’t think it was for him and doesn’t want to pay for it.
Nah I’m guessing it’s you the whole time lol you definitely were the selfish counterpart. He won’t know it until later he’s lucky to escape you .
I have spent the last year mad at myself and her for our divorce, trying to understand what happened. I swear you must have been a fly on the wall the last couple of years in my marriage and the last year.
I'm glad this video resonates, and I'm really sorry you've gone through all of that. Sometimes understanding what happened helps, and other times we need a little more direct emotional support to heal and move forwards. How are you doing? Have you had any meaningful help or support this last year that's helping you make sense of things?
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
She is cheating, most likely a narcissist. Women always have a backup. Never try to save a relationship, it only makes the situation worse.
Wow I just found your channel while going through a divorce. I’ve been married for 30 years. My wife announced her attention on July 17, this year. She filed on the 19th, put our home of 30 years on sale, sold in 24 hours. She moved out and now we are in a bitter battle. No I don’t get it.
I’m so sorry. That is fast. How are you doing? Do you have a support system to help you navigate all this?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach nope, I tried to sign up for your 45 minute consultation however your openings work tomorrow and Tuesday and I can’t do either of those days and it won’t let me book further out
@@thewilder-side2990 shoot me an email at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com with your time zone and a little more info about your availability. We can set up a time to talk that way instead.
How does she sell it without your permission go to court get what u deserve out of it u dont need a counselor you need a ruthless LAWYER
You made this 2 years ago and I’m right now at the WTF moment with my wife of 6 years that just decided she’s done. Seriously wtf happened.
Everything you said was on point in my marriage.
two months after i stumbled on this , i’m in sooo much better place . We are still getting divorced and i’m loosing more than 1/2 , but i’ve let go and learned to grow or try . Pain , uncertainty, and hard work are constants , you are doing a greater higher power of work . Because there isn’t much out there to help the men . i knew something was greater wrong but i just didn’t know what or how to fix it , she broke down and cried one night and said you don’t like me … i was at a total loss because we were always friends. at that time i knew something was bigger wrong than me
bless you , you just can’t be this insightful without a greater power
Thank you Dave, I'm glad these videos have been helpful. I think you're right - there is something bigger that is wrong for many, many people (both men and women). We tend to blame our partners... but it is so much more than that. I say we, and I mean we humans but also and especially we women. We've been conditioned to look outside of ourselves for validation, and so we never learn to look for it on the inside, and we end up living in fear believing ourselves to be unloved or unloveable. I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I'm sorry for her as well.
Thank you Rachael. 16 years, 3 kids and 1 year ago she pulled the trigger, she saw the chance cause my parents were visiting ( I am not from this country, I moved here for her). Things were not easy or perfect, I made mistakes which I asked forgiveness for and tried to change and worked for it, but things weren't horrible. I was supposed to see it coming. I am heartbroken. She never accepted counselling and blamed it all on me and that we got to this point because of me. It has been a year and I am wondering if I should try to approach her and see if there is a way to rebuild our family. She re-assures the kids are fine and that this was the only solution. She took my family away from me and now I am facing the decision of staying in this country alone, where I see the kids 3 times a week maybe, or going back home to start over and see my kids now and then. I would appreciate your input.
Your kids need you in their life.
Similar situation. And on the other hand, your own life not really needs them. Your not yet born kids does not needs them. Some compromise is possible of course.
(I mean it is much better to have an own father, but they will be kinda OK either way)
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
Are you familiar with covert passive aggressive narcissists? I think you have some valid points to your videos, if you aren’t dealing with a narcissist.
You just weren't her best option. Women sit at the finish line and pick the winners. Thats it. If shes hanging around you are her best option.
Woah ... the "you don't give me enough X, Y, Z" and the "no, we're done, we're filing for divorce" etc. and a lot of the rest of the video sounded SO sadly familiar. :(
Hi Rachael
This was an especially great video. My questions are:
1. How the hell do you know this? Apart from the interactions you have had / have with clients, how do you know this stuff about a man'e experience in divorce? This video is one where you co0ul;d literally ahve been describijng my life.
2. You mentioned staying in one's lane, I totally get that. You also said the underlying reason was her aloneness and ability to connect. And her unprocessed pain. But what, if anything can I do about that? Is there *anything* we can *do* when we see her make what seem to be such negative choices for the family and children, and self sabotaging too? Or do we have no agency here?
Thank you again
Wolfgang
Hi Wolfgang, thanks for watching and commenting!
Your first question made me laugh :) I know this because of you guys - the men who take the risk of trusting me and sharing their thoughts and feelings with me. So THANK YOU, to you and my other viewers and all the men who have been honest with me about what they are experiencing.
As for the second, the answer is yes, there are things you can do. But you've got to re-examine your mindset.
The simple reality is that when someone's guard is up (aka. when their emotions are driving their choices or when their nervous system is in a heightened state of activation) communication is not possible. That's true of her, and it's true of you too.
When you interact with her, if either of you are in an emotionally charged state there is not going to be communication. It will not happen. The nervous system is in survival mode and everything is going to be colored by that.
So what can you do? Well, you have two choices: 1. Walk away and try again later when you are both calm or 2. Try to calm her (or your own) nervous system.
The nervous system will only calm down when it perceives safety. So if you go for the second choice, you have to stay focused on creating an environment of psychological safety. There are two powerful ways to do this:
1. Touch. Compassionate, gentle touch releases oxytocin, which calms the nervous system and softens you towards one another... but if she's pissed at you, she probably isn't going to let you touch her. That's where this comes in:
2. See her. When I say "see her" I mean listen to what she says, paraphrase it and ask for more information. For example:
her "You're an asshole and you ruined our marriage."
you "Okay, so I hear that you feel like everything that went wrong in the relationship was my fault.. [paraphrasing]. tell me more about that. What is that like for you? [ask for more info]"
If you do this, repeatedly and genuinely, without getting upset or defensive yourself, she will PROBABLY eventually soften her guard and calm towards you. THEN you have the opportunity to actually talk to her and have her hear what YOUR concerns are.
But until she softens, she will not hear you.
Now... you probably have a lot of issues with saying the words I just wrote. That's normal. You're human! Who wants to be attacked? How do you calm your own nervous system in order to actually respond that way?
You need serious emotional body armor to do this effectively.
But the point is that if you don't have that body armor and you can't do this, then you need to walk away. Because she cannot hear you when her nervous system is all charged up. Period. No amount of reason, logic, justification or argument is going to get through.
My advice is to accept that, and walk away. If you have kids together and need to communicate effectively with her, then spend your energy on figuring out what you need emotionally to get to a place where you have that body armor and can talk to her that way. Anything else you do to change her mind is likely wasted energy.
I hope this answers your question. I do wish there were an easier way! Thanks again for watching, I really appreciate your interest and engagement. You ask great questions, and I think others watching are getting a lot out of your questions too.
Thanks Rachael. I should say you are a very good writer, reading the other comments you have made here. You are very eloquent, and concise as well.
I do really love this video, I've watched it three or four times to make sure I have fully got it. It is very illuminating, as to the underlying dynamic when the expressed reasons seem so sort-out-able. It was also pretty funny.
Anyway - I am wary of these comments being (or appearing to be) an attempt to get your advice for free by the back door. So forgive that. Having said that, I'll reframe my question slightly.
If I can reframe my questions slightly, the narrative you gave at the beginning of your video was the guy saying "OK, we can sort this, lets go to counselling" and the woman saying "Nope, we're done". And that being the end of the convo - even though there are no heightened emotions. If I can use myself as my own example, I have tried all the touch-orientated steps, and even more so, "seeing her". By which I mean being able to say "What I am hearing you say is (xyz), is that right? Talk to me some more about that". Genuinely and truly, and coming from a place of true listening and humility.
However, in my relationship - and the narrative you described - seeking to connect has failed, even with gentle persistence over months. Her coping mechanism has been to shut down communication - to stonewall. What that means is I now see my wife ending our relationship and our family from that place of her unresolved internal emotional pain.
As you said: “she will PROBABLY eventually soften her guard and calm towards you. THEN you have the opportunity to actually talk to her and have her hear what YOUR concerns are.” But in my case, she has not softened her guard, and the divorce has been filed.
Am I right in thinking that at this point, I do have no agency? That there is nothing I can *do* - so to speak - and must stand back and release her to (from my own perspective) end such a positive relationship, sabotage her “true” desires in order to meet the desires of emotional pain, and forever dissolve the four of us as a family? Obviously one cannot change a person who does not wish to be (and perhaps, other than from our own point of view, does not *need* to change). But does this mean standing back and allowing?
I feel as though I am in a dream in which she is crossing the road away from me, holding the children’s hands, and I can see a truck is careering out of control down the street, out of her vision, and when I try and warn her, no sound comes out of my mouth.
@@wolfgangwild5182 Thank you for sharing this. I think a lot of folks will relate.
First, when you describe feeling the way you do, that dream image, I see that you have some emotions that need your attention. I would recommend that you set aside some time to sit with that image and explore what comes up in your body - not the why of what you're feeling, but rather the HOW of what you're feeling. Your body knows how to handle emotions if you can trust it and listen without feeding the feeling or running from it.
You may choose to seek some support in working with your emotions in the physical body.
Before you think on this too much, I would encourage you to give at least 2 minutes to watching and allowing what you're feeling in your body.
Then we can look at the other piece - do you have agency?
You are right that you cannot control what another person chooses. Your wife has free will. She can and will think and feel her own thoughts and emotions. You cannot control those, and if you do you only make it harder for you to connect.
If you try to soften her nervous system out of the ulterior motive of making her change her mind, you are not going to succeed. In order for real, genuine, intimate communication to be possible, you have to set her free in your own mind to make her own decisions. You must recognize and respect her free will. Not easy, I know.
You wrote, "does that mean standing back and allowing?" I hear something similar from a lot of people, "So does that mean I just LET her do this?"
And I have to ask... allow her. Let her. Those words assume that you have control, that you could disallow her, or not let her divorce you. But you cannot. You do not control her. Short of tying someone up and holding them hostage, none of us have real power over another person, and even in that extreme case we couldn't control what they think and feel.
Your work isn't to stand back and allow her actions. Your work is to recognize that you are still believing the illusion that you have control over her.
Thank you so much for this video. My wife for almost 5 years came to me recently wanting a divorce. I also am not the biological father for any of the kids, and on my own, couldn't support them. I've been bitter about this, but I do understand she's hurting. Thank you again.
You're very welcome. I'm glad you found it helpful. And I'm very sorry that you're going through this. It's natural to feel bitter or resentful, even if you can see that she is hurting. It can feel awkward at first, but it's important to acknowledge the validity of your own frustration even as you acknowledge her pain. Thank you for watching. Do you have some support for yourself right now?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Yes, my cup runneth over with support. My wife originally agreed to counseling, but then backed out. Also the oldest of the 3, whose 21, has decided not to respond to me anymore. It's hard not to feel dimissed.
This video was sent to me because I asked the same question. Why am I getting a divorce after knowing this person for 21 years when I wasn't a terrible dad/husband. The best takeaway from this video is "those who do not read history are doomed to repeat, those who do are doomed to watch it happen" I begged her to communicate and she flat out refused to discuss her issues with the therapist or me. my mantra through this whole process is "this is so dumb" and I am disappointed this is end result for so many people.
I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I can see how incredibly frustrating and disappointing it is.
You might not be quite ready for this advice, but I'm going to offer it in case you are - the mindset of 'this is so dumb" is going to prevent you from ever understanding it.
There is a reason. There are reasons she is unwilling or unable to talk to you. There are reasons she is unwilling or unable to talk to a therapist.
People don't shut down and disconnect because they are assholes or out to ruin 21 years together or because they don't care about their kids.
They shut down and disconnect because their nervous systems are in distress. They are living in a freeze state, which is the result of being in fight/flight for a long time and unable to solve the problem. I don't know your story and I am NOT saying that the way your wife feels is your fault. What I am saying is that if she is acting this way she is afraid, and has probably been afraid for a long time.
It is very possible that she is carrying things with her from long before she even met you. The distress of her nervous system is not a reflection on you.
But until you become curious about what the internal state of someone must be like in order to make them act the way she is acting, you are unlikely to be able to make peace with it or change it.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach
Yes ma’am, she had lots of unresolved issues from before we met. I honestly and truly wish the absolute best for her because she is the mother of our children and was at one time the most important person in my world.
I totally understand how her not feeling like she was heard and understood played a major role. Part of it was her not being able to communicate it or was unwilling too, and maybe I didn’t understand what she communicated or did a good enough job expressing it.
Thank you for taking the time to read my comment
@@FishinTexasAggie05 thank you for watching and taking the time to reply. This is a lot for you to process and deal with. Do you have a good support system?
I ask because I've found that a lot of people believe they have to be strong and get through something like this alone, or that asking for help or going to therapy is a sign of weakness. The reality is that something like this is really shocking to the nervous system, and the nervous system needs connection and contact to rebalance efficiently.
All that to say, I hope you have some support to help you through, and if you don't please consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor.
I find it funny that in rhw beginning she said I was "funny" and like "no one she's ever met". At the end I asked what does he got. "He's makes me laugh and makes me feel secure". Lol WTF! What I hear is I'm 5'2" and he's 6'3". Now I feel I'm not physically attractive enough to make a woman feel secure and safe. Like I'm back in high school and last picked again.
I can see that her choices have made a powerful impact on you. They're taking you back to high school, to a moment (moments) where you learned to believe that because of your physical statistics you weren't good enough.
That belief, however, is yours not hers. It's not your fault you believe it, and it may have been reinforced by your experiences throughout your life. Yet it is your belief and one that you have to take responsibility for.
If you continue to judge yourself as less than because of a physical quality, it is going to impact the way you show up, the way you feel and how you approach relationships of all kinds.
Prince was 5' 2". Danny De Vito is 4' 10".
Until you love yourself, until you have strong, compassionate, healthy relationship with yourself, it will be very difficult to create a healthy relationship outside of yourself.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach and not a sigle woman in this world would pick danny poor danny over prince its true and more importantly its reality looks and money trump EVERYTHING thats what his wife is saying ,its reality for me he should get what he can out of her move on live your life u dont need anyone im going on 20 yrs after and never again u never really know them until u meer them IN COURT
Great video. You are spot on how we feel.
Hi Tony, thanks for watching. I'm glad you found this video helpful. Do you have a good support system and process for yourself as you're moving through all of this?
I just discovered your videos. Very interesting and helpful. I have a question. You talk about an angry (fight) reaction from the ex in evil angry btc (as a response to her own fears). Does the same thing apply to an indifferent (flight) reaction as a response from her?
Hi Richard, welcome to the channel. This is a great question. The short answer is yes. The longer answer is this:
One of the basic premises of NLP is that everything that people do makes sense. In my experience this is true. If she is acting indifferent, there is a reason, and that reason makes sense in the context of her internal experience, ie. her emotional experience.
That doesn't mean it 'makes sense' as a logical, rational or even productive response in the external world, just that it make sense based on her internal experience.
This perspective can help us intuit someone's emotional state and even possible beliefs from their actions. Indifference can be avoidance. Humans avoid things that are uncomfortable or frightening. What is she avoiding? It might seem like it's you... but it's actually what you trigger in her. She is avoiding her internal reaction to you. She thinks that by avoiding you she'll be able to avoid feeling something she is afraid to feel.
The often frustrating part is that the feeling she has when she interacts with you might have nothing to do with you. It might be more about her own self doubt, insecurity, childhood trauma, fears, expectations or life experiences than any actual objective truth about who or what you are or the role you play in her life.
Is that helpful?
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach, it seems that the less trauma women have experienced throughout their lives, the longer they are able to behave reasonably in relationships. Usually, the longer a person lives, the more trauma they endure. Is there a known correlation between the age of the bride at marriage and the duration of the marriage? Or between the number of relationships prior to the marriage and its duration?
I think you make mini valid points in many valid observations however, I still have one major problem, which is yes she’s not this controlling manipulative person that hasn’t set you up for your whole life, but what if she was what if she was that particular manipulative monster, then how is a man supposed to react?
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
My ex woke me up at midnight saud 'i want a divorce.'. She then left and never told me why.
My life ended that night. I have suffered every day since and wish to die.
Thanks for this video. Were you saying that a valid reason for divorce is if one of the couple has the disease of addiction?
You're welcome, thanks for watching.
I was saying that many men I speak to believe addiction is a valid reason for divorce. In their minds addiction is "bad enough" to justify divorce, so when their wife files for divorce they assume she thinks they are "as bad" as someone who has an addiction.
We all have mental manuals for life in general and relationships in particular. These are the subconscious beliefs, the "rules", that we operate on. If someone breaks one of our rules we're very upset.
But the problem is that everyone has a different set of rules. If you could read your ex's manual on relationships it would likely be very different than yours. Yet she probably assumed you had the same one as her, and you assumed she had the same as you (or at least that she should!).
Personally, I don't believe the disease of addiction makes anyone "bad". And I think we all get to choose our relationships. I don't believe that there is an objectively right or wrong reason for divorce, and it wouldn't matter if I did. Other people would think differently and do it anyway.
Is that helpful?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for clarifying that. Many people don't understand that addiction is a disease and it is treatable.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thanks so much for being responsive to comments on your videos. Your videos are so well thought out and I know I am not the only one that appreciates that, based on other replies I have seen to them.
a duck is a duck , if it walks like duck it’s a duck … she is a bitch , when she did what she did and quits…. yes everything you said is true .. after 32 years marriage , i’m better for it .. hurt yes , recovering yes
What kills me is she wants to remain friends and be excellent co parents.
I'm in the same boat brother. I have no idea how to come to terms with it either. How am I supposed to just be friends and raise our child together with someone I gave a huge part of my life and sanity to? I can't even start to think about how that will look whenever she starts dating again. I've never been so hurt and so angry in my entire life. This is gonna be one long ass rough road
So this problem has no solution? Guys can get married and she wants a divorce for no good reason? Great to know it. But how do you prevent the emotional disconnect from happening?
Are we even equipped for that?
Awesome question - YES. If you are a human being you have the capacity for two things:
1. Enjoying deep, genuine emotional connection
2. Repairing emotional rifts in relationships
The knowledge for this is embedded in our nervous systems, which evolved to coregulate.
Have you watched Dr. Christian Conte? He has some great content on this - www.youtube.com/@DrChristianConte
The problem is that as a society we've prioritized the logical mind over the emotional brain, ignoring the fact that the logical brain has no neural connections to the limbic system and is thus completely unable to regulate powerful emotions like anxiety and anger.
Because of this, when we feel anxiety or anger the brain races along with it, telling us all kinds of stories about why we're upset. We think we're being logical, but really our nervous system is controlling our thoughts, which often leads to blame, fear and arguments in our closest relationships.... all because we don't have any skills for regulating the nervous system.
To avoid emotional disconnect or repair an emotional rift with another person requires us to first become conscious of our own emotional landscape. Once you fully understand the interplay between your thoughts, emotions and nervous states (fight/flight/freeze, aka anxiety/anger/depression) you will understand your partner in a new way.
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
This was very enlightening. You hit several nails on the head. My wife and I have been together 13 years, married 12. We argued like most couples but in my head it was just the course. About a month ago she told me she wants a divorce and drew up an agreement. We still live in the same house and she seems to dislike me more everyday. I've been thinking how can she want a divorce. Never cheated or raised a hand to her and thought I was providing everything she needed. To hear you address that was sobering. Now I feel like I have to start all over. No partner, will I see my kids daily? Lost, confused and unsure about anything. Horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't go away.
I'm so sorry that you're in the midst of this. Understanding what happened is one thing, living through it and feeling the emotions is another thing entirely. How are you supporting yourself right now?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you. I can't tell you how much your videos and following the comments have helped me. Heating other people talk about similar situations is encouraging. As far as supporting myself, I have been looking for a therapist, someone to help navigate through this and I spoke with a divorce attorney today which really gave me a boost. Knowing that I have rights as a father and there are processes in place to determine monetary support to an ex is empowering. I have decided that now is not the time for self pity. I want us both to come out of this better and get along through co-parenting, which means I'm going to have to put my non-confrontational self aside and stand up for myself. Hopefully, counseling will start as soon. Thank you for creating this community... It's much needed.
@@MJ-nv3gl it sounds like you are in a good headspace and seeking support. That’s wonderful to hear. I’m glad this community has been supportive as well. Thank you for being a part of it!
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
If she asks for divorce without any obvious reasons and/or starts to tell lies about you, the answer is simple : she has another target.
My wife told me 2 weeks ago she wants to divorce she says her reasoning is she can't do this anymore. We have been married 26 years and I'm willing to put any kind of work I need to into it I am not perfect but at least she knows how I feel
I’m really sorry to hear this. Have you heard of Steve Horsmon or his program, good guys to great men?
In my opinion he is the very best in the field when it comes to trying to save your marriage when your wife has already said she’s done. Give him a quick google- he’s very, very good, and he may be able to give you some tools and suggestions that will help change her mind
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach thank you so much !!
So this refusal on her part to address her fear drives everything. If they don't address these can it affect the ability to co parent? I have moved on (with occasional lapses admittedly) but she has changed radically and I am actually a bit worried for her. We were together 40 years and married 35 and during the initial phases (I went no contact after 30 days) she was a completely different person. So detached, angry, and accusatory. Also did the whole physical transformation with dyed blond hair, nails, new clothes etc (we all know what that usually means).......
If she doesn't want to be with you, doesn't matter why.
Just move on. Don't waste your thoughts on someone who doesn't even love you.
I never got a reason, i just got told
"you know"
I went to counseling with my ex. She divorce me. It hurt like hell. I didn't cheat on her, nor did i hit her. Her filing on me made me think she had someone else. This was my second marriage i wanted it to work. I will be scared to get married again. Your right you just can't trust them in marriage. The more you treatthem good, the worst they will respect you. Ive learned my lesson. Don't marry, They respect you less.
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
13:25 I'm 40. I've been SAHD (stay at home Dad) for eight years now. Prime years. I have no career because ADHD makes me a sorry excuse for a worker. She makes 250,000 and can live in a place where I can't afford a studio for an hour in any direction, and spousal support feels like me taking money from my son... I've been a loser for my whole life
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
How could you be so accurate. I'm exactly going through this at the moment. It seems to me I've became boring to her being a honest living person who is providing everything to her and giving her a stable life. Thank you!
You're welcome, I'm really glad this video was helpful. Thanks for watching!
75% of divorces are filed by women. more than half of marriages fail.. what is the point of marriage that only lasts 7 years or less on average... Women dont need to be married. Job and pay equality is the best it's ever been.
problem is, people are not seemingly any happier either. It's probably best to avoid marriage in modern times. It's not what it used to be. There isnt a benefit.
If anything I think people are generally feeling more stressed, more isloated and more disconnected, men and women both. There is a lot in our cultural narrative that could stand a serious update.
I'm personally on the fence about marriage. It works for me, yet I see so many people suffer the consequences of divorce in my line of work and it can be devastating, financially as well as emotionally.
What I do know to be true though is that people need connection. Our nervous systems are hardwired for it. We feel safer, stronger, happier, healthier and more resilient when we feel connected to other people.
That's where I hope to start to shift the narrative - away from debates about whether or not to get married or divorced and towards finding better, more genuine ways to connect with one another. I think that's a lot of what we've lost, and perhaps what could bring us back to a happier way of living.
Thank you so much for watching and taking the time to share your thoughts.
Totally haha all true... plus my wife reconnected with her childhood sweetheart... he married to....she left me and two kids ... but he never left his wife ...I got to find out everything because her phone was sinhronused with her tablet. So now I'm the worst enemy in the world. She filled for separation she won't me out the house.... and jet she pretends in public she is married to me and she wants to go to visit my mom and dad. Haha do I missing something here. Do I losing my mind.
Im not going to try and sell you something so I'll just say that there is a way back to you re claiming your life. First and biggest problem is your lack of sleep, that will destroy everything else in your life and I faced the same issues of an ex turning the kids against me as well, many of us reading this have been there. First, look into CBD products, the gummies and drops they sell have some THC in them and were very helpful in getting to sleep despite what I was experiencing. I also threw in melatonin, but I imagine you might have already tried melatonin so just ry some CBD products. If you are a coffee drinker, stay away from that, too much caffeine will fuck with your sleep patterns, go with green tea instead, much better for you! The best way to attack depression is through exercise, forget about therapy, exercise beats it and all you really need do is begin to just fucking walk! Walking is free, and getting outside will clear the air in your head as well. Action, not talking is key. Look into some form of resistance training, its also very good for you and will begin to rebuild your frame, you need to begin to celebrate your life again, give yourself something to look forward to daily, but reserve it as a reward AFTER you've got some goal done. Now for the most important part, and this is crucial: go back in time, to the place you were in your life right before you met your ex, look at that guy, your former unmarried self: who was he? what did he like to do? where did he want to go, associate with, accomplish? Bring him back from your memories into your present day life, ask your 20 yr younger self the big questions and seek the truth about yourself form him! What did he like to do in his spare time? Do that! Once you've re discovered the best parts of your past, and re generate them, now you can go into the future, find new things to do, new people to associate with but only when you remember who you were will you know what you are today. So re establish sleep, get out and walk, lift weights, remember who you were so you can become what you want once you align your past with your future and work forward into liking who you were before so you can love who you are afterward....... Oh, one other thing: Ask Jesus into your heart and release all the anxiety to him, thats the best therapy out there, Love God and so become a loving man again. Once you instill all these changes, and they are not that tough to do, be consistent, everyday with the exercise and better nutrition and sleep habits. Hopefully this will help you as you bring your old self back from your past, its no mystery when you love your history and that great guy you see in the mirror!
The woman you marry is not the woman you divorce. Every man who goes through a divorce sees this…. Stay free fellas- marriage/ divorce is t worth it.
I believe you nailed it right on the head. I know it was both of us and she has every right to be mad at me I guess. But I also know she is dealing with pain of her own, I am on the receiving end of it. I just hate it is ending our 35 year relationship…
Hi Rob, I'm sorry you're going through this. 35 years is a long time to be together. I'm sure there are a lot of emotions coming up for you right now no matter how clearly you can understand the situation. How are you coping? Do you have some support in your life?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach going to counseling and talking with family and friends. Still hurts…
@@robc3887 I'm glad you have some people in your corner, though it definitely doesn't take away the hurt itself. A lot of my clients and viewers talk to me about wanting to stop the pain or control how they're feeling... the truth is that you can't stop the emotions. But you can learn to process them in your body in ways that allow you to move through them instead of getting stuck in them, which makes the painful moments something you can experience much more easily and for shorter periods of time.
If you haven't talked about tools for processing or regulating emotions with your counselor it may be something for you to consider bringing up. I'm rooting for you! You can get through this.
Same here, 16 years, 3 kids and 1 year ago she pulled the trigger, she saw the chance cause my parents were visiting ( I am not from this country, I moved here for hre). Things were not easy or perfect, I made mistakes which I asked forgiveness for and tried to change and worked for it, but things weren't horrible. I was supposed to see it coming. I am heartbroken.
This is what happened in my marriage. I don't know what I could have done to change this. I did the weekly dating thing, tried to be there for her, etc, etc. I'm just not sure what I could have done different.
It’s unlikely you could have. Once a person has their mind made up it’s difficult to change. I did many of the same things you did, after my ex began to put up walls over money issues, but she never took responsibility for those walls or tried to reciprocate with behaviors to reassure or show affection to me. The onus was on me, and my compliance to her anger and divorce ultimatums only reinforced her notions that I was the one who needed to change to suit her. My turning point was when my ex outright lied about a fight she started to both me and our couple’s counselor. I’m still not sure if it was to hurt me or how she really saw the situation, but that was when I contacted an attorney and started planning for the inevitable. Once you’ve been lied about or slandered to satisfy the the other person’s pain, you are no longer a person to them, you are a vessel into which they pour blame. As the video says it’s all about the instinct to displace blame and runaway from pain. I’m still hurt but I now recognize that I really was just trying my best for a person who had already decided to use me as a foci for their unhappiness. It’s hard not to take personally, I know, especially when you loved them, but when all this coldness and anger is being flung at you based more on her feelings than your actions you have to understand that it’s not you, it’s her and you are literally the last person in the world who could change her mind.
The courts incentivize this behavior. Turns out women are terrible people when they have leverage. If she aint feeling it anymore she can take half of everything you have earend up to that point. I truly believe my ex was waiting for the retirement account to be big enough....
I'm sorry you went through this. Do you have a good emotional support system to help you process this and come out the other side?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I appreciate your concern. I talk to my mother and my sister, and that has helped alot. I was commenting because I believe that change needs to happen in the family courts. Good men are being destroyed for a payday. Just sayin.
If you can't read her mind,.. You are a bad husband!?
Hi @davidhunt313, thanks for watching and commenting. I think that's how many men feel - like they're supposed to read her mind and are punished because they can't.
The pattern I often see in the divorces of many men I talk to and work with is that their wives didn't clearly communicate what they wanted or needed, and that the husband often didn't notice the signs that she was unhappy.
That doesn't make him a bad husband or her a bad wife. It just makes them two people who didn't know how to communicate or work together as a team in their marriage. Unfortunately those kinds of relationship and communication skills aren't something we're taught, and instead we tend to be exposed to a whole world full of bad role models that perpetuate the stereotypes and lead to ongoing misunderstandings.
@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach ... maybe you need to know I'm autistic,.. and presently, I consider myself fortunate that I avoided divorce because no hypergamous neurotypical woman ever wanted me. I only found out about my autism at the age of 57,... which *REALLY* colors my present perspective upon my own life.
What do you think of the idea that some young men need to understand from a young age that through no fault of their own,.. they will never be in loving and affectionate relations. I had thought I was a human being. Turned out that all others ever saw was a white nigga' *_ELEPHANT MAN_* and they were not wrong for doing so!?
Hope made my life more painful than it otherwise had to be.
0ne and done. Does any of it even matter anymore.. .
Do you have some support in your life right now? It sounds like you may be feeling depressed... if you are would you please take a few minutes to check out this video? I think it might help: czcams.com/video/BdFTcmN_AUw/video.html
I hear your brother. I'll never remarry either. You can't unsee this stuff. Not when they are rewarded to leave. Never sign a contract that only benefits the other person.
Child support: That’s why