Chapter 32 My AuDHD Story Part 3: My Twenties
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- čas přidán 2. 12. 2023
- Chapter 32 recapping my unexpected Autism and ADHD year: this week I'm looking back at my twenties and the two opposing stories of those years, both of which were equally true - the happy smiling adventure version, and the struggle that having undiagnosed AuDHD was having on me trying to find my place in the world.
My twenties were broadly a happy(-ish) decade where I didn't have a lot of constraints on me and kind of tried lots of things on for size, a decade my ADHD was maybe in the ascendency more than my autism but my autistic challenges were still there holding me back, simply because I didn't know I had them or how to accommodate them properly.
Please do like and share and subscribe to my channel if you resonate or find any of this useful, or message me to get in touch and connect.
Contact email: amineurodivergent@gmail.com
Some useful links:
AQ Autism Self-Test:
I'm going to keep posting the link to the AQ Self Test for autism every episode in case this is the first video in the series people come across. Take the self test (remember it's JUST a self-test) and see how you score. You may have been on the autism spectrum all along and just had no idea, like I was:
psychology-tools.com/test/aut...
Cat-Q Test (Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire): An alternate self-test if you've gone a long time masking.
embrace-autism.com/cat-q
ADHD Self-Test:
(with all the same caveats as above) ADHD is even MORE common than autism (and many of us will have both); the vast majority of ADHDers just struggle through from childhood through adulthood having no idea that they even HAVE ADHD, let alone working out strategies to cope and deal with it all better to be happier and less frustrated with ourselves and others.
psychology-tools.com/test/adu...
Again Struan take the time you need for these. Appreciate the time you spend making these videos and the insights your videos give me looking back on my own history.
Fascinating!! Glad you'll be back !!
YES.... The "If I would have known I could have better utilized my bursts of energy and been kinder to myself in the down times I might have lived those years much happier"
And other people are like "why does getting a diagnosis matter" 🤦🏼♀️
I have found your vlog series to be very helpful to me personally.
When you connected the mail piling up to Executive Dysregulation, I had an AH-HA moment! I recall in my 20’s-30’s struggling to keep employment, trying lots of different things that weren’t a fit and all of my efforts to be successful at something/anything left me no energy to deal with the mail… which had become a most UNpleasant daily surprise 😖 Thank you for sharing your experiences, which helps me put my own in a perspective that makes more sense.
Thanks - glad they've been helpful and of use! It's 1 in 7 of us who are neurodivergent in some way, it still blows my mind that we're only just realising how common it all is now, this far into the human race! Neurodivergent brains are great - but they haven't made it easy for us by not telling any of us about either the strengths or the challenges!!
Fully agree!
Overwhelm exit strategy. Oooof I thought I was the only one.
Oh this became a regular feature of my 30s which I foolishly disguised as ambition and got myself into a right mess..
Once again, I find myself thinking how similar my experiences were to yours, despite our actual life paths being very different. Your comments about self-sabotage and periodically needing to escape from a particular life situation really hit home. Also, your mention of West Wing made me happy. I discovered it only in 2020, but it's become a full-on comfort show I've watched through at least 5-6 times.
West Wing makes me so happy. Galileo's my go-to episode: "You said it right that time."
Amazing.
You're actually more straightforward and honest than I am respective an unknown audience and me I do perceive myself already as very honest.
You made me realize that being not fully honest is useless - for actually I do watch your videos exactly for that. Due to some of your (besides highly movie like at times) and very vividly narrated episodes of your life, I realized that I did similar things, well, of course all within my "cosmos" of life.
Besides I wanted to share with you two I observations I've made so far - I cross-watched now several episodes and since I recently closed my 20s, this one seemed to be interesting, so I'm making this whole comment right here now.
First thing I concluded is that you must be extraordinarily good in writing and storytelling; well, my conclusion is just on an anecdotal level, actually referring to my own experience - late diagnosed with 29 with autism, one year prior add, while me I actually have had a camouflaged life in crime and drug selling (certainly also taking) since, well, I was born into a highly dysfunctional family, neglected, foster care, kicked from school, homeless - -> need for money - -> narcotics business - -> violence - -> brain damage like all guys hustling at the streets - -> severe CPTSD and additionally PTSD. Well, it started all so early that it's been a journey getting out of it mostly in my early and mid twenties. Just sharing that, so you can get a better picture of my background and where I do come from. Actually from Germany, well, without taking everything literally, where I do come from in the socio-economical sense.
So, finally my point I want to make after covertly sharing my whole lifestory: I talked the same way about my ability to write novels, something within your voice when talking about it remembered me the way I talked about it when someone couldn't believe that I was able to write the way I did (and do).
In my case it's been shame that I got teached to feel from all the ones from the academic field, that my texts weren't that special. When I read them to normal like people, who didn't attach themselves with some synthetic "academic fantasy", they were astonished. I really figured that people are mostly too disconnected from their true self as that they can distinguish good from bad writings - many were actually also literally covertly jealous on this special ability of mine. I wrote only for myself. Nowadays I'm surrounded by academic people and their perspective didn't change much. The more "connected" ones, the ones, who do not suffer from any cluster B character design, additionally the smart ones, the emotionally affectively sensible ones - rare individuals. Check the DSM V, statistics of the official numbers estimate the prevalence of personality disorders in society: 22.8 percent. And that are the numbers of officially diagnosed people. Certainly, not all are psychopaths or narcissistic, but also there you're going to find astonishing numbers of some studies, for pathological narcisissm e.g. going into the 20s (percentage) alone with only this single personality disorder. I write an article about that, did some, INTENSE, research about that haha.
I would like to read your stories. The world is not full anymore of people understanding Thomas Mann, Kafka, Hugo, Balzac - for real books like from the mentioned authors as well all the other great ones, you need to have emotional connectivity to yourself, you can't "consume" Les Miserables or Anna Karenina. You need to be connected to your emotions to a good degree. Most people aren't.
Somehow with me it's one of my greatest gifts. My way of narrating. I even got it recommended from Boston Consulting Group haha, but that's another story how that came to happen.
This is point one. I somehow believe you're actually a good writer. Please let me read something of yours. I bet I want to read more of it. It's just a feeling, but usually I do not have "feelings" when they're not right. While I very effectively have feelings all the time - man, language is tough at times.
Second thing I somehow came to conclude: your way of talking remembers me of myself at times. It's this was of "doing" stuff. I still "do" stuff and I always did stuff, but the way I did do my doing changed alot. Well, I didn't watch the 30s and 40s video yet, probably that would be an idea to get better picture of it generally, but I wrote already alot in this comment, imagine discarding it all just for continue watching.
I remember when I was highly organized, scheduled... man, it's sounds like I'm 72, but it seems to be long time ago somehow... My voice had that kind of force in it like you do have in yours. In my case I needed to work through my traumas, alone, yeah, was really sh**, but well, prior to that it's been as well sh**, so it's just been a sh**-exchange so to speak. I do not know how your personal situation looks alike in detail and am certainly not in any position estimating that. I just wanted to share with you, that my voice sounded in some tonalities and style of speaking similar to yours, but before I've hit psychologically maximum rock bottom.
After that my life changed 180 degrees in not even a year. I just share it in case it might resonate with you somehow, otherwise just see this comment as hopefully something nice and interesting to read.
And now that I think about it: did you ever made an IQ test or forget about the IQ test, I've the sense you're very smart - of course not for the perceived similarities to me myself I pointed out so far haha. No, I mean this actually all very serious.
These were my three observations, yeah, one more sneaked it's was in. Sorry. Actually, if you ever feel like having a chat or in case you wanted to learn about regulatory risk requirements of alternative investment funds in Europe, tax regimes, fund structuring, transaction management, haha actually this is no joke, you can find my own channel here on CZcams. It goes by funds economics. Small channel for bankers do not like to learn generally - remember 2008? Didn't change much since then, but that I'm 15 years older. There you can find connected social media, in case you wouldn't like to watch hours of fund structuring nitty gritty law details. Actually have also a second channel with short stories, yet only one in English, somehow write more in my mother tongue. Would like to ask you some things, I don't know, you feel like someone I can relate to somehow.
Alright, this novel finds an end here. My fingers start to hurt from typing on this tiny phone screen. Greetings and thanks for your videos again!
Hey, thanks for sharing all that, it was really interesting to read. Sorry you've been through so much. I really got out of the habit of writing (my first 'what I wanted to do') and made some bad decisions about my life over the years, but I'm looking at ways of remedying and reversing some of that now and trying to push myself to write again. My IQ: most of my life I considered myself both smart and dumb all at once, it's kind of hard to explain. Just over a year ago, on a whim and after my ASD diagnosis when I read that many autistic people have good IQs, I applied for Mensa and got in, lol. I fully realise that IQ is only one small, niche way of recognising intelligence - it still gave me a small ego boost though, at a time I was feeling very low. Cheers and all the best.
@@amineurodivergent @amineurodivergent hey man, thanks fot the reply. I was smiling when I saw you considered yourself smart and dumb haha. I was this morning walking against a glass door - and I've seen the glass door, I knew it's been a glass door in my way. It's been fun, I laughed with an old grandma, who German-like at first didn't want to laugh, but I actually invited her by laughing myself. On the other hand I do handle quantum physics, psychology, maths... Just need to be of interest so to speak - but sometimes I simply do not understand simple things. Have no example right now at hand.
Nice with mensa. Would like to know how it is in there. Never applied. But for sure, push your ego with whatever seems to be a good tool. We need to be happy and I do mean that not in that flower way or spiritual way, unsurprisingly, I do mean it literally. I've made very bad decisions as well. I couldn't forgive myself for it's highly difficult mourning about chances and opportunities you actually could have had once, but didn't and didn't know they even existed. It's been highly complicated to process that and even while I'm texting this all in kind of a fun way, I'd describe it as it breaks one. Afterwards one is free from old things. Not always. But most of the time. It took me two years to reach the switching point (knew before my diagnosis about add one year already), so I'm in the knowing almost three years.
And do not feel sorry for me, I'm most of my time okay walking against glass doors somehow even fully conscious of it while I of course struggle with all the difficult things of audhd and all the at times super amazing benefits. Meds helped me alot actually to make fullx use of my potential. Takes some adjustment time for side effects in the beginning, but after that, it becomes normal. And you can stop them, but you'll feel like super wasted to two weeks. Just in case, you wanted to consider that, actually don't know if you take any.
Thanks and load up one of your texts - when you somewhen feel like it :). I'll subscribe now to this channel, if I didn't do so already.
@@Gandalf_the_quantum_G Understanding complex things that others struggle with, but struggling myself with some basic everyday aspects of life is definitely chiming with me. Mensa is ... ok. It's more just a (virtual or actual) meeting place for quite nerdy people to chat about their interests, I've found, I haven't really done much with it since 'getting in' a year or so ago. In particular, the social 'get together' aspects of it don't appeal to me AT ALL, but I'm glad that people do find an outlet for themselves and enjoy it. Just not for me, maybe. The 'paths not taken' aspect of life has really bothered me, particularly in recent months, and led to more personal anguish for me of late, but I think I'm coming through that fire again hopefully. I'm glad to hear meds are helping you - I've been trying them, on and off, and they don't seem to do a huge amount for me, sadly. They make me less anxious somehow, but no more productive or better with executive function, I don't think. Will maybe try with a different dose. Cheers and all the best.
hey another well thought out and explained video. I like that you take us on a journey its like following a story. Look forward to the next video.
Thank you for continuing to share this wild ride, mate. Agree with your assessment regarding knowing / discovering autism far earlier in my life would have made so many things not easier, but at least more easily understood. Cheers!
7:43 I actually went on a ghost tour in Augustus 2002 in Edinburgh that started at Tron Kirk and when through the alleys and dungeons and ended in a pub. Totally random.
How random - yeah, the tours I did started from the Tron and some took the route you describe. I started 2004 though.
@@amineurodivergent then iy wasn't you eho did the tour I did bsck then. But iy was great fun!