All Cave Johnson Shorts from Portal 2
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- čas přidán 25. 07. 2024
- I recorded these shorts from the game Portal 2 when I was like 12 years old or something. The video isn't cropped correctly because I didn't have any editing software and it's also choppy because my computer had the processing power of a french fry.
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Cave Johnson is like the perfect man for when you're trying to sell a product, but you know it's stupid as hell.
yep, for sure
Anyway, we're between banks at the moment, so please make those checks out to "cash"!
So true
"Cave Johnson is like the perfect man" - no, he's an Omni-Man.
You mean whatever Elon Musk sells?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
thats a crusher
we sell them too
Now this is poetry
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
Yes, that is a Crusher,
We sell those too.
funee
Roses are red
Violets are Blue
Those we're Crushers
we sell them too
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I am late
But we sell those too
Sarcasm + Seriousness = Cave Johnson
Simple Brian same with glados, wait is cave Johnson glados? Find out next time on game theory
@G809 GD but it could be, maybe they managed to put his brain into a computer before he *SPOILER*
G809 r/woooooooosh
Yes I just r/woooooooshed you for a comment from 2019.
My mum
@@thechosenone9910 ITS 3 O'S
For someone we never meet in the flesh, Cave Johnson is probably one of my favorite videogame characters
Of course we don't meet him, he died
@@emithelastidiot1817 You don’t say?
At least we know how he looks like
We technically don't meet weathley or glados in flesh too, since they are robot
Hear me out, we have a new portal game with all the old branding and it’s only 15 minutes long. What if our good old buddy cave Johnson appears? After all the new game has all old branding
I would like to order a "what idiot picked this?" Turret please
Vault Boi Same, WAIT... WHY ARE THERE SO MANY DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF ME!!!
(*walks in not knowing anything)
0_0
(*walks back out)
There are 5 Fallout games. 7 or 8, if you count Fallout: Brotherhood Of Steel, the sequel to that, and maybe Van Buren.
@@farmerspaceboy2251 so many versions of farmer spaceboys? lol
I'm different
1:35 "...Plus we fire the whole bullet! That's 65% more bullet per bullet!"
Bullet.
it's too good
every time hear this I feel like I just had a stroke
So the bullet casing and gunpowder are completely useless lol
@@Theakritas_ no, it's more bullet per bullet
I think my favorite cave Johnson quotes are when he’s firing people.
“Yes you. Box, stuff, car. Now.”
jk simmons is good on that
Yes, you. Box. Your. Stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.
I love how they make a multiverse and ai, just for budget cuts and menial tasks! 😂
It's the cheaper approach!
they dont make the multiverse, it already exists.
Aperture Science: We do what me must, because we can.
@@kitno6415if they can make a sentient door and a gun that shoots space holes, they can make a multiverse
I mean that's a pretty accurate prediction, looking at how people are using generative AI nowadays to cut out a lot of design and writing jobs in business...
Cave Johnson, we're done here
Mikhail Bakunin test over
Mikhail Bakunin don't tell the family
Cave Johnson, we're done here!
Cave Johnson here.
Atlas: bonk bonk bonk * falls down * P-Body: u ok bro?
Cave johnson quotes are so legendary that they have to be real life quotes
Worse, they're realisations based on actual observations....
LEMONS!
Gotta love how the diagram of the turret at 1:38 shows how Aperture has covered all their bases. One empathy generator and one empathy suppressor in every unit, truly genius!
Headcanon: After several iterations using the empathy generator, they realized empathy wasn't a good choice, but having already incorporated the generator into the design, the turret stopped working if they took it out, so they implemented an empathy suppressor instead.
@@SomeTomfoolery You've just described every source games code.
@@GalexiDude "remove the thing causing issues"
"if we do it breaks the whole fucking game"
"add a thing that removes the thing causing issues"
"on it, boss"
@@GalexiDude Y e s
@@yarknark literally coconut.vtf in team fortress 2
“Look at that sad little octopus.”
Gets me every time.
*laughs* he he
that and "why are they agreeing to do that? they're not, we're tricking them." The delivery of that line is PERFECT.
"That is not a panel...that's a crusher..we sell them too."
I’m pretty sure it’s called a mashy spike plate
Crushers are selled for trash compactors for me idk why :7
Best game ever made, past present or future. I'd love to be proved wrong.
But for game play experience, writing, comedy, acting, even aesthetics. It's a pile of pure magic. I got my 70 year old mother to sit in front of the computer to see it, she couldn't stop playing till she finished it. 70 years old who could barely send emails, hadnt touched a video game since my atari 2600, laughed her ass off, gasped giggled, enjoyed the whole ride.
You talking about portal 2? Cause if you are everything's correct
correct, and red dead redemption 2 is my close second
My mom's been having a blast playing it, even if pretty much every other first person game she disliked.
Hollow knight, Celeste or dead cells are just as good in my opinion. I liked portal but not "best game ever made" level of liked it
can we get a letsplay? id love to see that
"Robots gave us six extra seconds of cooperation."
That's a lot.
Normal business: time for a cheaper approach, allow me to introduce,.. scams!
Cave Johnson: time for a cheaper approach, allow me to introduce,.. the multiverse!
69 likes
Can we talk about how perfect JK Simmons is for this role?
the casting crew are geniuses
Cave laughing at the sad little octopus proves he is the greatest comedic character design I have ever seen
"now he wasnt a scientist, just a simple farmer, a professor at the local farm college, never farmed a day in his life"
"BUT his theories are the backbone of this company!"
Cave could sell air in a jar and convince everyone to buy it
I'd buy his bathwater
And it would somehow be flammable and still sold at a loss.
Lorax moment
Now I see why Gravity Falls had him do Grunkle Ford's voice
yesss....YEESS......
Wait really
@@coppa2178 ...
It would be more like if ford was a conman tho
@@fordpines4519 so a successful stanley?
3:22 I like how it uses a new diomand each time it cuts it.
And how they didn't even need to cut it and they could have just made a smaller panel.
That's the point. To show them being idiotically wasteful.
And those are some of the reasons why they're almost bankrupt in the first place.
And the turrets used for testing are instantly incinerated.
And they spill a lot of moon rock gel making a single panel
_"Hello? I would like to order a turret. Yeah. No, no no, not that one, I would like the 'What idiot picket th-' turret. Thanks."_
The solution to lack of funds is to build a machine that allows you to travel around the multiverse and instead of selling the designs, use it to trick other versions of Aperture into building tests for them. Makes sense.
This man is a total maniac and we all love him for it.
They NEED to make a spinoff based on all the multiverse aperture tests.
Multiverse tests are just chambers that people online made
Closest thing is desk job
We need octopus Cave Johnson and we need him now
@@neutral8517 So Mario Maker meets Portal?
@@CarlosAlberto-nq3iv Portal 2 already has its own custom chamber thing
V sauce, Cave Johnson here.
Now im going to think how awesome it would have been...
I want to order the “evening at the improv turret”
Cave johnson (the boot part): "its expensive as hell"
Me: I'll take your entire stock
Just know that for Your heroic actions the boots will always be congratulated
"Why are they agreeing to do that? They're not, we're tricking them" 3:53
1:54 *WHAT IDIOT PICKED-*
1:32-1:37 Why do I find this funny lmao
Because it is
@@MisterJohnDoe the more you know ;)
Cave Johnson is probably the most successful con man I have never met
Most charismatic, too! I think I’d actually consider buying an Aperture product if he were to advertise it!
The "we fire the whole bullet thats 65% more bullet per bullet" quote always has me in stiches and thr farming sketch is the best
This man's voice is so inspiring! I want to buy a turret!
3:33
Wait wait wait. Stanford, I thought your brother said that youse guys were broke. Are you sure he didn't cut ANY corners
Noise crush i dont no
You mean other than the corner cutting machine?
gravity falls? i'm lost....
tita vaughns u no watch gravity falls? Man, sad life
completely
2:05 try to get close to that baby, your funeral
These sales pitches sound like something you would see being shown in line for a ride at a Disney or Universal theme park. Now one of these parks needs to make a Portal/Aperture Science themed ride!
“Fact: The key to any successful cooperative test is trust.
And as our data clearly shows, humans, cannot be trusted.”
I crack up every tine I hear that.
It’s funny cuz it’s true.
Man I miss the pre 2013 era. Simpler times back then.
Fr
For you maybe :D Obviously, some things are bad for all of us but we've still had some great development since 😄
Cave Johnson- we never cut corners. Corner cutting machine which uses up 1 diamond per cut.
Look At the Sad Octopus *H E H H E H*
Cave Johnson here.
The cake is a lie.
Cave Johnson, we're done here.
1:34 after noticing this in game, I'm incredibly happy to see they actually acknowledge it 😂
"Look at that sad little octopus, hehe" - Cave Johnson
Look at that sad little octopus. Hehe
kind of sad but very real how undetailed the humans are in the vids its a kind of reflection of reality in how big corps see employees like a number which makes them very unknown and uncared about
Jesus loves you
Somehow, I have the feeling that when the writers were working on Cave Johnson, they gave a side-eye to their bosses and said, "Just like that."
What a nice man I hope he lives a healthy life!
I'd like to think some part of him lives on in the infinite parallel universe versions of him.
@@murrfeeling i think in the apature desk top job thing hes inside a massive robot head and is still technically living
Hopefully he doesn't buy seventy million dollars worth of moon rocks and turn them into a poisonous gel.
3:05 literally my "co-worker " whipping on the chair while i almost break my body carrying heavy stuff.
on the first one
Atlas: GET THIS CAGE OFF OF MEEEEE!
Pbody:*looks at Atlas*
Atlas:*bangs pan on cage and falls*
We are so lucky to have a cave Johnson on our earth
I like how even in the ads we get hints to the lore
I forgot HOW GREAT THE DIALOG WAS!!!! I've played through the story mode of portal 2 soooo many times just for the dialog.
cave johnson admitting to intergalactic crime
lol the Turret that said I'm Different 1:46
Fun fact:
In The Half-life 2 Beta, A Cut enemy Known as the Assassin Has Some long fall boots
In Black Mesa, the assassins have them. (That wasn't in HL1, but I appreciate those little details. Just like the Aperture logo appearing on a ship in HL2 Episode 2)
Hey black mesa aperture labs hates you bc your a invention stealer aperture labs is the future!
we need more cave johnson
I still don’t understand how cave wasn’t jailed for having ZERO concern for test subjects!
If no one gets out or found, no proplems. XD
They signed the NDAs. The test subjects practically gave the company permission to do these tests.
Fact: Cave Johnson is voiced by JK Simmons, who also voices Stanford Pines in Gravity Falls, and he also played O'Brien in Terminator Genisys!
Yeah, he plays a lot of Scientists/Smart people.
Cave Johnson here, I know you have buried a lot of money in our boots, but I’m here to tell you that we have found a cheaper way, cave Johnson here done here, AND FIND ME THAT DAMN SPIDER MAN
This comment isn't edited
Classy Plant Lol
Cave that not how bullets work.
Dalton Chew
Well it saves the gunpowder!
Simple Brian your right I never thought about it that way and also the bullets are reusable.
Simple Brian AND WE DON'T HAVE TO MURDER AS MUCH CREEPERS!
I'm surprised no one is talking about the turrets firing on the panel at 3:21 and nobody cares about the bullets flying everywhere.
"safe" while a robot was getting bashed up by a panel
“And his father before him and his father before him and his father before him and we are almost bankrupt” Cave Johnson -April 19 2011
I'm different~
I sure miss the days when Valve actually produced content and games consistently.
what if the alternate cave johnsons are scamming him?
Oh they all think they are, that's all part of the scam. He scams them while they're scamming him, scamming them, scamming him, scamming them, scamming him, scamming them, scamming him.
It's positively fool proof.
Just try and get close to that baby, ha! Your funeral
I could have sworn I heard the robot say "TROLL!" at 1:17.
xD never heard that
Humans....can not be trusted- Cave Johnson
Me: DAMMIT HUMANS
Guys, you don’t understand. What makes a bullet deadly is the gunpowder contained in its shell, which fires it at a really fast rate. If they really are firing the whole billed, without exploding the gunpowder first, then getting hit by one wouldn’t kill you. Valve actually put in an explanation as to why their protagonist could get shot multiple times and still live.
How did they go bankrupt if they had such good marketing.
Most of their products never left the testing phase. Plus, the resonance cascade happened.
1:51 That "im different" is the cutest deadly thing in the world
No the "good night " 2:03
Since the Turrets were made 4 years after Cave Johnson apparently became a robot/clay head.
There are 2 answers for this.
1- these are No longer canon
2- Cave Johnson made these ads while as a robot head underground just because he was bored.
Some people think it's multiverse stuff
@@Metarockerlml Ah also possible. Perhaps its what happened to Dark Cave
Alternatively,
3- Grady doesn’t realize he “invented” something that had actually already been invented years before, and Cave is too preoccupied with wanting to die to care about the lack of originality. 😅
“that’s 65% more bullet, per bullet”
Those long fall boots don’t do anything chell is just a *BOSS*
Its 14 years later and the 6 extra seconds of cooperation still makes me laugh
he needs his own show
4:17 was one of them looking at porn? XD
kayne caltabiano lol
lol they blurred out his screen
kayne caltabiano
4:17+1:10=Guy who searched Portal 2 porn and found what he wanted; *Fap* *Fap* *Fap*
robotic porn
kayne caltabiano holy shit.
Valve managed to predict fnaf's fan base before fnaf was even considered as a thought!
Holy shit mr Johnson.
He is now god
If Chell went through a portal head first, doesn't that essentially mean the boots don't work?
It's not about how you enter a portal, it's about how you fall onto the floor.
Sir Gordinni Straight from Cave Johnsons mouth
She also landed on a boot and a knee, so she at least destroyed all bones in that one leg. :)
Why don't you just marry safe science?
@@beefchampion2792 the Boots are supposed to protect the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, not the Test Subjects. So they did their Job.
4:12 bottem right xd meet the pyro
I think vortagons would make better blueprints or the combine
@@pumpbigid6065 ?
"Plus, we fire the WHOLE bullet! That's 65% more bullet per bullet" SOLD
THIS is how you do it STANLEY!
Where going to run a con game on the mulitverse and mexico is going to pay for it..
Kobe Wild *We're
"thats 65% more bullet per bullet"
Oh my gosh I have never seen the multi-verse one! I was hysterical
I'm waiting for Elon Musk to become cave johnson
@Jadandlud i want you to envision cat girl GLaDOS
Same
Can’t wait to shoot people with a portal gun
greedy corporation
buisnessman pretending to be a scientist
does generally sciency stuff to wow investors cheaply
mistreatment of employees
sketchy buisness practices
sir, he already is cave johnson
No
Cave Johnson sounds like he's gonna ask me what i'll have in 500 years
These type of scientific inventories with robotic beings like them are pretty insane and way badass i like that even the super bionic heavy landing mega boots were also dope wow!.
I’m actually jealous of the humour here
Cave johnson here
fact:the key to any succesful cooperative test is trust
and as our data clearly shows humans cannot be trusted
the solution: Robots!
*[robot slams pancake on its head]*
Then fire the guys who made those robots and build better robots
Then run those through a resume trust exercises creatin a foundation of mutual respect reinforced by the simulated bonds of artificial friendship
and firing stops and finally we put that trust to the TEST
BAM! *[robot falls off cliff]*
Robots gave us six extra seconds of cooperation
good job robots
Cave Johnson.
were done here
It’s funny how they care more about the equipment than the humans. like i the scene where she fell to her death, you’d expect them to help the person, but instead they grab the portal gun XD
Man how come I never saw the last one about multiverses. Love these shorts!
When life gives you lemons, here’s what you do:
First, squeeze the lemon just enough to break open the bajillion little juice sacs inside the fruit but not so hard as to puncture the peel.
Next, insert a small zinc rod and a small copper rod into opposite ends of the lemon. Make sure that they DON’T TOUCH.
Then attach a piece of copper wire to each of the two rods. When the two wires are brought together, they will produce a flow of electricity equal to about 0.9 volts. This flow of electricity can be used to start fires if both wires are brought into contact with anything flammable (paper, carpet, etc).
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve constructed your very own COMBUSTIBLE LEMON!
Wait
" Lemon'NADE " was the implied pun.
"we fire the whole bullet! Thats 65% more bullet per bullet!" ahh yes the casing definetly is gonna help!
Why is there still a muzzle flash when the turrets fire? The muzzle flash is from the bullet literally exploding out of the casing.
4:00
Welcome to hentai laboratories. Only where the most sexual, deviant, (expensive) and lewd products are made!
4:07 Hentai has never been so sad.
There is no baby in that crib. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Lucy Knight maby they just want to protect the crib
Soul Bound The baby is probably invisible too
The writing is amazing
"That is not a panel, that's a crusher, we sell those too"
"empathy generator" "empathy supressor"