Our daughter and son-in-law adopted a boy who had been shuffled thru 11 foster care homes. Their heart was in the right place to adopt but this child, now 11 years old abuses my daughter daily. My son-in-law's employment has him away from home most of the time so she is left to carry the weight alone. I just want this child to go somewhere else. He will never change. In fact his behavior will only escalate as he ages. Why aren't the birth parents of these impossible children forced to financially contribute to the care of their own children? The birth mother continues to use drugs and leach off the system while my daughter is sacrificing her entire life for this unruly beast. I hate it.
Your pain is palpable. I'm so sorry. It must be heartbreaking for you to see your daughter suffer like this. And the outside world will never understand.
My heart goes out to every family that has been blind sided by RAD. The behaviors that they experience actually can create complex PSTD. And the system that you need for help and support is broken. We have failed for years with this countries mental health system and families have paid the cost for it. RAD is real and a living nightmare for so many families that only wanted to provide a safe and loving home for a child.
This is the nightmare we have been dealing with too! Several therapists, but no real changes. It brings chaos into our marriage & home. Our finances are falling apart because of all of the problems from our 2 adopted children. I feel like we were taken advantage of by the adoption agencies passing these kids onto us saying that everything will be perfectly normal in a year or two, that kids are resilient & will not even have that many issues in a couple of years. They were wrong!! Now they are teenagers they are turning their lives upside down & creating chaos in my wife & I's lives. They are exhibiting the same criminal behaviors that their natural parents had, even after 10+ years of doing all that we could do to help & love them. They both run away, have sexual misconduct, they're defiant, won't tell us where they're at, they threaten to kill us in our sleep & verbally abuse us, they lie & steal, and more! We are at the end of our ropes! Our home doesn't even feel safe anymore. We feel like DCFS is like a bad car salesman trying to get rid of the most defective cars by saying they are in great condition, while hiding the risks & possible problems from adopting kids with trauma & abuse. I do feel bad for these kids, it wasn't fair or right that they were born into bad families. If you're planning on adopting be aware of all the possible problems you'll be stuck with legally, financially, socially, and mentally because of your adopted children's behavior, especially when they are teenagers! Be prepared to have your heart broken & possibly lose them because they're genetically like their parents with the same tendencies, personality, & weaknesses. Many times you will feel that the bond between you is no more valuable to them than with a boss or school teacher. They won't be & act like your family because they don't have the same genetic makeup as you even if you adopt them as babies! There is much more to the risks of adoption than is mentioned here. Just be careful before you proceed with doing a adoption!
We adopted our RAD child when he was 6 years old. He was very charming initially and the honeymoon stage quickly ended months later when his deviant behavior started to show. He thrives on doing things that piss you off. He feeds off of those emotions. We have learned to respond rather than react. Our son has had several therapists and psychiatrists for years and they are only able to help to a minimal degree. Our RAD son not only doesn't have common sense but he has a self sabotaging nature. He will destroy any opportunity to help or to bless him. RAD kids not only make life miserable for the adopted family, but they will betray you in a heartbeat. After having him for 3 years, our son made false accusations against us to CPS. It costs us thousands of dollars and we had to go through counseling. We are hard working professionals and we were treated horribly by the juvenile dependency court. Imagine living with a child that you love, care, nurture, but he doesn't respond nor does he understand consequences. Imagine that same child having no loyalty towards those who are constantly trying to help him. At this stage of parenthood, we are merely surviving. Each day, we anticipate that dreaded phone call from the school where he has done something wrong and he somehow manages to blame us all over again and then we are left to defend ourselves over and over. The adoption agency was of no help. All that they could do was to recommend that we obtain financial assistance as our son's therapist has shared that she cannot help him and now we are exploring other treatment but it's simply too expensive for us and our HMO doesn't cover them. In addition, after having gone through CPS, we have absolutely "zero" trust in anything government related. it is a very lonely journey as others will not understand. The only people who understand are those who have gone through it and thank God for support groups. The only One who can help is Jesus and even still the journey is long and painful.
It's a very hard thing to try and help a child with RAD. We have a teenage son who was adopted from Russia and was diagnosed at a young age. He is 15 going on 16 and refuses to behave in school. We have had to homeschool him due to his acting out and causing chaos in the school. He has been in behavior modification classes in which the teachers don't take the time to go and teach him anything and simply just give him the answers to their assignments. It's been a real struggle. He has taken up smoking and marijuana and refuses to leave the house unless it's going through drive thru to pick up food. Otherwise it's a real challenge getting him out to do anything. He lies and steals from everyone in the house and at this point he just refuses to do anything for himself.
Patricia, your experience with your son is so tragic! I feel very bad for you. It is now 7 years later and your son is a 21 year old adult. I cannot imagine that things have gone smoothly. Are you willing to share how his life has progressed since then? Family ties, friends, education any trouble with the law etc.. I could recount a similar story that happened in our own extended family with a child adopted at almost 2 years of age. Very sad...and very, very hard on the parents who only want the best for their child.
You cannot 'cure' antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy). A person with this condition is born with a brain that is wired differently. There is no hope...
We had a 13 year old daughter. We decided to adopt a boy who was 9.5. We were not told he had been in 15 behavioral homes between ages 5 and 6.5 for his violence. For 10 years we poured into him in every way possible. It was unbelievably challenging and nearly tore my now 27 year marriage apart. In spite of himself, at age 18 we got him through high-school and into the Navy. After his Navy bootcamp graduatuon, he abruptly changed his phone and phone number. And that was that.
Good for you. Enjoy your time of peace. He is no longer your responsibility. You loved him and blessed him truly. But let him go. He wasn’t your’s to begin with. But you will always be the greatest fountain of love and compassion in his life. You are the only parents he has regardless of what he thinks of you. Take care of yourself.
I'm so sorry, Julie that your dream of having a second daughter is nothing but heartache. And I am also very sorry for the loss of your biological daughter. It is now 7 years later. Are thing better for you and your family at this point?
My daughter got hurt by her father, her personality changed because of this trauma. I got prayer from a ministry called Ellel, one day it occurred to me to say I love her and she loves me and got her to repeat it. She did this and third time she believed it and all the poison went out the window, and she was back to normal thank God! I hope this helps. I pray God sends you your answer, it's healing of the soul she needs
I feel your pain & understand. I took in my niece in & she turned my home upside down. My marriage is no longer a marriage. I feel that my husband & myself are just trying to make it through the next day! I also felt that my home wasn't mine anymore but became hers . She ran & was in control of my home. It was walking on eggshells all the time with her! She would tell me that she's gonna kill me or my family it was mostly towards myself! Her behavior of acting out was hard to understand. I could never understand them no matter how hard I tried. She has many from peeing on herself or making herself vomit when she's really mad, upset, or sad & doesn't get her way. She's also violent. I'm afraid of her , and sometimes she's scares me! I don't get any sleep cause at the end of the terrible day I lay in bed thinking about what the hell happened earlier that day & what will tomorrow be like? I would just cry the whole night begging God for a better day. Most of the time in the mornings, I don't even want to get out of bed cause i'm afraid of what hell of a day I'm gonna have with her! I also have a wonderful autism son, and it isn't good nor safe for him having to see all of this! She has called him stupid, dumb & weird to the point he was now questioning his life & wanting to die. She was well aware of his autism cause we had told her & even explained it. She put her hands on 2 of my children, one of them being him. My children don't want anything to do with her they want her away that it's heartbreaking cause I love her & want her to get the correct help but I feel like no one is listening nor understanding of how Seriously this is & has become. Help! I don't want to give up on her. Rad is something serious and difficult to deal with.
We have two foster children. Both have RAD and both have FASD (foetal alcohol spectrum disorder = challenged because of damage due to alcohol abuse of birth mother during pregnancy). They have two faces: sweet and sour. Especially the girl of sixteen years old now is often sweet to the outside world and sour to us. We sometimes get some sweetness too, but usually when she wants something from us. She handles us like we are money machines or whatever she wants, even though we are very careful at those points. What we want is not in the picture, although we state it clear enough. It was difficult before I got a chronic disease. Now it is too difficult to handle, but we are stuck with them. They have their good and bad days. On the bad days they are not capable or willing to take into account that I am ill. One of the two gets worse in behavior the moment I get worse in illment. So the more I need some rest and some help, the less rest and help she gives. And she thinks she is a nice child... Raising such children asks for permament health (and who knows that in advance?) and very much resilience, extreme loads of forgiveness, low expectations, and a way above average marriage. I'm a professional, who gave care in my own home for decades and to over 50 children. These are among the most difficult we ever had. They are with us for 7 years now and we just had another deep crisis. I can honestly say that my illness is worse because of the constant stress and that my life is a lot less happy because of these children. I wanted to help the world become a better place. I know I have done that, but the toll it has taken on my own life and that of my spouse is very high. Better think twelve times instead of twice, before you start doing this. It is my job and I can honestly say I wish I had never pursued this course in life. If you have half a doubt, don't even start. Because it will be more difficult, than you can imagine and you are never free from it. It costs you so much and the rewards are so few. You will not do better than I did. For it is my profession (masters degree) and I have loads of experience and I am praised througout the organization I work for. And still it is an ongoing hardship. Your life becomes very restrictive because of the conditions these children have. Like you cannot go out, for a normal sitter cannot handle such children. Beware before you care...
Hi Kelvin, The weird thing is, that the children are doing much, much better than ever expected or hoped for. But the toll it takes on the families who take them in, is almost unbearable.
Garden Joy I’m right there with you, my adopted 12 year old son has placed such TREMENDOUS stress on our life. My husband started spending more and more time away from home because of the stress. He passed away last year because of stress. Now I am left to raise this very defiant, dangerous child by myself. I’m afraid in my own home. He sets fires, kills animals, steals, lies etc....we were told that because we got him so young, age 2 1/2, that he would be ok eventually “with enough Love, care and consistency “ Nope, I’ve literally poured myself into this child and things are only getting worse. I’m becoming very afraid of the future.
My heart goes out to all of you. Please keep asking for help . Hope you are able to find help and support. God forbid even if you don't, if they do something wrong your liability may be lessened because you have alerted the authorities and sought help from them. Thanks for alerting.
Can you elaborate on what behaviors you are experiencing? All you say is behaviors have escalated. It seems so hard to get any real descriptions on the behavior.
Well, there is Mother rage. They act up most with their mothers as they hate them. I have never gotten a voluntary hug from my daughter in 14 years. She tells me she wants to kill me if I tell her no, she cannot have more candy, has ADHD, bi-polar, FAS,. She steals, lies, acts out sexually, cuts herself, ect. Behavior Modification does not work, traditional therapies don't work. It is just really hard.
why all the people in the coments that are complaining about their awful adptive kids doesn't GIVE these children for adoption and put them back in the system? stop waisting and destroying your life for these ungrateful kids that have no cure.
Julie, please try the supplement called Q96. It is great for calm, coping, mood, memory and focus. It will be good for her and all of you. Stress in dealing with that can take its toll on the whole family. Please check out www.shopQ96.com for more info, testimonials and clinical studies. Please feel free to contact me at wendystuartq96@shaw.ca I care. Sincerely, Wendy Stuart.
Our daughter and son-in-law adopted a boy who had been shuffled thru 11 foster care homes. Their heart was in the right place to adopt but this child, now 11 years old abuses my daughter daily. My son-in-law's employment has him away from home most of the time so she is left to carry the weight alone. I just want this child to go somewhere else. He will never change. In fact his behavior will only escalate as he ages. Why aren't the birth parents of these impossible children forced to financially contribute to the care of their own children? The birth mother continues to use drugs and leach off the system while my daughter is sacrificing her entire life for this unruly beast. I hate it.
make her get rid of this monster omg, put him back to adoption
Your pain is palpable. I'm so sorry. It must be heartbreaking for you to see your daughter suffer like this. And the outside world will never understand.
My heart goes out to every family that has been blind sided by RAD. The behaviors that they experience actually can create complex PSTD. And the system that you need for help and support is broken. We have failed for years with this countries mental health system and families have paid the cost for it. RAD is real and a living nightmare for so many families that only wanted to provide a safe and loving home for a child.
This is the nightmare we have been dealing with too! Several therapists, but no real changes. It brings chaos into our marriage & home. Our finances are falling apart because of all of the problems from our 2 adopted children. I feel like we were taken advantage of by the adoption agencies passing these kids onto us saying that everything will be perfectly normal in a year or two, that kids are resilient & will not even have that many issues in a couple of years. They were wrong!! Now they are teenagers they are turning their lives upside down & creating chaos in my wife & I's lives. They are exhibiting the same criminal behaviors that their natural parents had, even after 10+ years of doing all that we could do to help & love them. They both run away, have sexual misconduct, they're defiant, won't tell us where they're at, they threaten to kill us in our sleep & verbally abuse us, they lie & steal, and more! We are at the end of our ropes! Our home doesn't even feel safe anymore. We feel like DCFS is like a bad car salesman trying to get rid of the most defective cars by saying they are in great condition, while hiding the risks & possible problems from adopting kids with trauma & abuse. I do feel bad for these kids, it wasn't fair or right that they were born into bad families. If you're planning on adopting be aware of all the possible problems you'll be stuck with legally, financially, socially, and mentally because of your adopted children's behavior, especially when they are teenagers! Be prepared to have your heart broken & possibly lose them because they're genetically like their parents with the same tendencies, personality, & weaknesses. Many times you will feel that the bond between you is no more valuable to them than with a boss or school teacher. They won't be & act like your family because they don't have the same genetic makeup as you even if you adopt them as babies! There is much more to the risks of adoption than is mentioned here. Just be careful before you proceed with doing a adoption!
Daniel krause why don't you go to family therapy the adoption agency owe you that much
Adoption is based on lies it's about making money.adoption doesn't work it's a con
Just know that you are not alone. I have a RAD kid and feel your frustration and pain.
We adopted our RAD child when he was 6 years old. He was very charming initially and the honeymoon stage quickly ended months later when his deviant behavior started to show. He thrives on doing things that piss you off. He feeds off of those emotions. We have learned to respond rather than react. Our son has had several therapists and psychiatrists for years and they are only able to help to a minimal degree. Our RAD son not only doesn't have common sense but he has a self sabotaging nature. He will destroy any opportunity to help or to bless him. RAD kids not only make life miserable for the adopted family, but they will betray you in a heartbeat. After having him for 3 years, our son made false accusations against us to CPS. It costs us thousands of dollars and we had to go through counseling. We are hard working professionals and we were treated horribly by the juvenile dependency court. Imagine living with a child that you love, care, nurture, but he doesn't respond nor does he understand consequences. Imagine that same child having no loyalty towards those who are constantly trying to help him. At this stage of parenthood, we are merely surviving. Each day, we anticipate that dreaded phone call from the school where he has done something wrong and he somehow manages to blame us all over again and then we are left to defend ourselves over and over. The adoption agency was of no help. All that they could do was to recommend that we obtain financial assistance as our son's therapist has shared that she cannot help him and now we are exploring other treatment but it's simply too expensive for us and our HMO doesn't cover them. In addition, after having gone through CPS, we have absolutely "zero" trust in anything government related. it is a very lonely journey as others will not understand. The only people who understand are those who have gone through it and thank God for support groups. The only One who can help is Jesus and even still the journey is long and painful.
Daniel krause I feel your Pain, I live your pain.
It's a very hard thing to try and help a child with RAD. We have a teenage son who was adopted from Russia and was diagnosed at a young age. He is 15 going on 16 and refuses to behave in school. We have had to homeschool him due to his acting out and causing chaos in the school. He has been in behavior modification classes in which the teachers don't take the time to go and teach him anything and simply just give him the answers to their assignments. It's been a real struggle. He has taken up smoking and marijuana and refuses to leave the house unless it's going through drive thru to pick up food. Otherwise it's a real challenge getting him out to do anything. He lies and steals from everyone in the house and at this point he just refuses to do anything for himself.
Patricia, your experience with your son is so tragic! I feel very bad for you. It is now 7 years later and your son is a 21 year old adult. I cannot imagine that things have gone smoothly. Are you willing to share how his life has progressed since then? Family ties, friends, education any trouble with the law etc..
I could recount a similar story that happened in our own extended family with a child adopted at almost 2 years of age. Very sad...and very, very hard on the parents who only want the best for their child.
You cannot 'cure' antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy). A person with this condition is born with a brain that is wired differently. There is no hope...
We had a 13 year old daughter. We decided to adopt a boy who was 9.5. We were not told he had been in 15 behavioral homes between ages 5 and 6.5 for his violence.
For 10 years we poured into him in every way possible.
It was unbelievably challenging and nearly tore my now 27 year marriage apart.
In spite of himself, at age 18 we got him through high-school and into the Navy.
After his Navy bootcamp graduatuon, he abruptly changed his phone and phone number.
And that was that.
That is sad
@@rumrunner8019 Yeah. Too bad, really. He coulda had it all. 💙
Good for you. Enjoy your time of peace. He is no longer your responsibility. You loved him and blessed him truly. But let him go. He wasn’t your’s to begin with. But you will always be the greatest fountain of love and compassion in his life. You are the only parents he has regardless of what he thinks of you. Take care of yourself.
Wow... I am so sorry to hear that. Perhaps he'll get back in touch at some point, when he'll mature a little bit..
I totally understand. In many ways it’s a blessing that you have no contact.
I'm so sorry, Julie that your dream of having a second daughter is nothing but heartache. And I am also very sorry for the loss of your biological daughter. It is now 7 years later. Are thing better for you and your family at this point?
Thank you for sharing. Peace.
My daughter got hurt by her father, her personality changed because of this trauma. I got prayer from a ministry called Ellel, one day it occurred to me to say I love her and she loves me and got her to repeat it. She did this and third time she believed it and all the poison went out the window, and she was back to normal thank God! I hope this helps. I pray God sends you your answer, it's healing of the soul she needs
scrap god and get scientific help
I feel your pain & understand. I took in my niece in & she turned my home upside down. My marriage is no longer a marriage. I feel that my husband & myself are just trying to make it through the next day! I also felt that my home wasn't mine anymore but became hers . She ran & was in control of my home. It was walking on eggshells all the time with her! She would tell me that she's gonna kill me or my family it was mostly towards myself! Her behavior of acting out was hard to understand. I could never understand them no matter how hard I tried. She has many from peeing on herself or making herself vomit when she's really mad, upset, or sad & doesn't get her way. She's also violent. I'm afraid of her , and sometimes she's scares me! I don't get any sleep cause at the end of the terrible day I lay in bed thinking about what the hell happened earlier that day & what will tomorrow be like? I would just cry the whole night begging God for a better day. Most of the time in the mornings, I don't even want to get out of bed cause i'm afraid of what hell of a day I'm gonna have with her! I also have a wonderful autism son, and it isn't good nor safe for him having to see all of this! She has called him stupid, dumb & weird to the point he was now questioning his life & wanting to die. She was well aware of his autism cause we had told her & even explained it. She put her hands on 2 of my children, one of them being him. My children don't want anything to do with her they want her away that it's heartbreaking cause I love her & want her to get the correct help but I feel like no one is listening nor understanding of how Seriously this is & has become. Help! I don't want to give up on her. Rad is something serious and difficult to deal with.
We have two foster children. Both have RAD and both have FASD (foetal alcohol spectrum disorder = challenged because of damage due to alcohol abuse of birth mother during pregnancy). They have two faces: sweet and sour. Especially the girl of sixteen years old now is often sweet to the outside world and sour to us. We sometimes get some sweetness too, but usually when she wants something from us. She handles us like we are money machines or whatever she wants, even though we are very careful at those points. What we want is not in the picture, although we state it clear enough.
It was difficult before I got a chronic disease. Now it is too difficult to handle, but we are stuck with them. They have their good and bad days. On the bad days they are not capable or willing to take into account that I am ill. One of the two gets worse in behavior the moment I get worse in illment. So the more I need some rest and some help, the less rest and help she gives. And she thinks she is a nice child... Raising such children asks for permament health (and who knows that in advance?) and very much resilience, extreme loads of forgiveness, low expectations, and a way above average marriage.
I'm a professional, who gave care in my own home for decades and to over 50 children. These are among the most difficult we ever had. They are with us for 7 years now and we just had another deep crisis. I can honestly say that my illness is worse because of the constant stress and that my life is a lot less happy because of these children.
I wanted to help the world become a better place. I know I have done that, but the toll it has taken on my own life and that of my spouse is very high.
Better think twelve times instead of twice, before you start doing this. It is my job and I can honestly say I wish I had never pursued this course in life. If you have half a doubt, don't even start. Because it will be more difficult, than you can imagine and you are never free from it. It costs you so much and the rewards are so few. You will not do better than I did. For it is my profession (masters degree) and I have loads of experience and I am praised througout the organization I work for. And still it is an ongoing hardship. Your life becomes very restrictive because of the conditions these children have. Like you cannot go out, for a normal sitter cannot handle such children. Beware before you care...
Adoption doesn't work u got conned
Hi Kelvin, The weird thing is, that the children are doing much, much better than ever expected or hoped for. But the toll it takes on the families who take them in, is almost unbearable.
Garden Joy I’m right there with you, my adopted 12 year old son has placed such TREMENDOUS stress on our life. My husband started spending more and more time away from home because of the stress. He passed away last year because of stress. Now I am left to raise this very defiant, dangerous child by myself. I’m afraid in my own home. He sets fires, kills animals, steals, lies etc....we were told that because we got him so young, age 2 1/2, that he would be ok eventually “with enough Love, care and consistency “ Nope, I’ve literally poured myself into this child and things are only getting worse. I’m becoming very afraid of the future.
My heart goes out to all of you. Please keep asking for help . Hope you are able to find help and support. God forbid even if you don't, if they do something wrong your liability may be lessened because you have alerted the authorities and sought help from them. Thanks for alerting.
get rid of these kids omg, put them back in the system
This just hurts me.
Can you elaborate on what behaviors you are experiencing? All you say is behaviors have escalated. It seems so hard to get any real descriptions on the behavior.
Well, there is Mother rage. They act up most with their mothers as they hate them. I have never gotten a voluntary hug from my daughter in 14 years. She tells me she wants to kill me if I tell her no, she cannot have more candy, has ADHD, bi-polar, FAS,. She steals, lies, acts out sexually, cuts herself, ect. Behavior Modification does not work, traditional therapies don't work. It is just really hard.
a RAD kid is a trauma blackhole .
9 years later, I hope Naomi and her family found her redemption.
So sad that the volume is so low....I can't really hear much.
why all the people in the coments that are complaining about their awful adptive kids doesn't GIVE these children for adoption and put them back in the system? stop waisting and destroying your life for these ungrateful kids that have no cure.
Julie, please try the supplement called Q96. It is great for calm, coping, mood, memory and focus. It will be good for her and all of you. Stress in dealing with that can take its toll on the whole family. Please check out www.shopQ96.com for more info, testimonials and clinical studies. Please feel free to contact me at wendystuartq96@shaw.ca I care. Sincerely, Wendy Stuart.
I agree. I also highly recommend Colloidal minerals and CBD daily