I am a survivor of DV myself and found his book “Why Does He Do That?” through my local public library when it was brand new 20 years ago. It was most helpful to me to understand that there was nothing that I could do to control him or influence him into a plan of restoration and reconciliation, to stop imagining a resolution, but rather to focus my energies on my exit strategy. His work is brilliant, and and I am so thankful I was able to have had this resource when I needed it.
i’m so sorry that happened and i am so glad you are with us today. i am also so happy you found “why does he do that” i read that book too and felt so validated and understood. it was my gateway into learning about domestic violence further and helped me so much. hope you are doing well. ❤❤❤
As a DV survivor, this was fantastic. I wish all lawyers and family law judges were required to watch this. It would help us when typically we are brushed off and not heard. Our children would be more effectively protected.
they already know this stuff but male abusers are who they side with because they have the most money though not always and Patriarchy in society and culture fuels this weak minded structure and pick me females help these abusive men because of their internalized misogyny against other women and girls .
Yes! This information should be required for all fields that deal with DV.. Child protective services, law enforcement as well. From my experience these institutions as well as the courts(as mentioned) are enablers of abusers.. and he said hes been working on this for over 30 years! How are these systems and people STILL failing us when the information and knowledge is/had been out there?
😂Perhaps fuller approves of polygamy or instead someone working for fuller corp while they were writing the above comment was only contemplating a donation to "Theresa's Fund" and/or to "Domestic Shelters" at the time. Fuller brush maybe?
The comments by Lundy Bancroft about how people assume that the abuser loses control but it's not true because at first the abuser behaves violently but as soon as the cops come they are the one that's calm, turns it around and claims that the victim is crazy are true. It reminds me so much of the video of Brian Laundrie and Gabby Petito being pulled over by police. It's long and painful, but I suggest that if you haven't seen the FULL video you should watch the whole thing. In the end he's buddies with the cops and she's loony and admits it! Frightening!
Gabby Petito's footage is an example on how police handles women victims of DV. The policeman taunting Gabby because of the water bottle and then casually talking about his crazy wife and how goos she was to do sandwiches.
For even better perspectives on the traffic stop video, Watch two additional channels. One is a retired detective, about 5 minutes into that traffic stop, while Gabby was still missing, he said something like "if she's missing she's dead, and he killed her". I think it's a 5 part series just on that traffic stop. Channel is Good Luck America. It used to be Think Like a Cop, but he's pretty disgusted with other cops these days. The 2nd channel is a diagnosed Narcissist and Psychopath himself, HG Tudor. He goes over the traffic stop bit by bit, telling us from the ABUSER's point of view what is happening and why. Things are SO subtle that you wouldn't notice it. A glance in her direction, to maintain control of what she says, for example. Intimidation.
There's a video on CZcams about Gabby patito called "psychology of strangulation" thats really good! My ex-husband has strangled many people now, although none have been fatal to this point 💔🙏
@Lundybancroft made a significant observation, that too many people/organisations (WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER) continue to support stereotypes of the abuser/ abuse mainly correlating to poverty; that is a totally false narrative. It is also one of the main reasons why shelters/refuges are unable to support middle and upper class women…unfortunately these organisations and social services professionals etc. do not understand the dynamics of abuse in such households. This is one of the main reasons why such women lose custody of their children; the well educated abuser manipulates EVERYONE. These organisations do not understand coercive control in higher income households…it is not a physical problem. More needs to be done to address this problem.
What a great video for anyone dealing with abuse past or present. I am in a DV marriage (newly understood- just been surviving for 4 years and I have 2 kids with him). I’m a highly educated woman, no financial problems- yet I am in a constant state of stress trying to help my husband stay emotionally ok enough to treat our family with respect and not injure us emotionally and physically. Lundy’s book “what does he do that?” was my best resource for understanding that the “ABUSER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS” and that neither I nor my family members are to blame. What a relief within a very difficult life. I’m working on my exit strategy. I wish anyone going through this type of relationship dynamic well and good luck.
Please update us if you feel up to it when you get a chance. My heart goes out to you and I hope you and your kids are already free and safe, or as much as you can be away from him.
@@HousingisaHumanRight I am so touched by your response. My kids and I are far far away from him and have residency in another state. He will have to relocate if he wants to abuse us further. It was a 3 year slog of pretending and playing along, but we got safe. I have a good job, my kids are doing well in school. We are happy and shaking off the dark clouds of control. We are getting divorced and he will not likely be interested in having much of a relationship with our children since he cannot get to me. I am so thankful for people like Lundy and you who care and lend strength to those of us who needed to find our way out. ♥️
How I ended up in an abusive relationship? My entire family and his family enabled the relationship. Everyone told me all the behavior I tried to talk about to get perspective was normal, to be expected, my fault for poking the bear, and that's just how all men behave. I made it out just before it got seriously physical. His eyes turned black because I was asking too many questions about his actions and his words 'if you weren't a woman, I would be beating your ass right now, and my father taught me to never hit a woman.' It was surreal. He was in a suit and tie making his breakfast before work.
The "eyes going black" thing really hit me. I've seen those eyes too. Nothing has ever scared me more in my life. Sending you love and best wishes. Thank you for sharing.
Yes absolutely. I often wondered why my abuser husband had such contempt for me, think I read something about deep hatred of his parent that he couldn’t stand up to when a child and you fall into that roll now, so he lets out his anger on you. Well I don’t know…just recall an explanation like that. But I truly believe in that whole entitlement the abuser has. I think it’s very very true.
So much wisdom and good explanations. 👏👏👏👏 Mr Bancroft is truly gifted in being able to communicate his logical knowledge in such a clear precise manner. I deeply applaud him!
The book he wrote Why does He do that? Is one of the best I have ever read, not just the fantastic logical content, but also he’s such an excellent writer communicator, it’s so well written. He organizes his thoughts so well and the editing is superb. No spelling mistakes, as in so many books these days. It’s one of the few books I’ve read where I didn’t find a single mistake. Lundy is so amazing and logical. I applaud you Lundy and in awe of your work. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
the one thing i seriously love about this guy’s book is that he DOESNT BLAME THE MOTHER! i am a child of an abusive relationship, both physical and mental, and everyone always blames my mom! but it’s not her fault, she did the best she could, i think. everyone always says “she let him put his hands on her kids,” and then assigns all the blame to her, ignoring that he’s the one who hit them in the first place. it’s so difficult to leave. i sympathise so much with all women and mothers who have experienced/ are experiencing domestic violence.
This book helped me so much. I was the woman who would say it was just verbal abuse. I knew it was bad but I was addicted and then I had enough when he threatened to leave one more time and just let him leave. His ex gf contacted me some time later. I found out he was physically violent in their relationship. Had I let it go on for longer that would’ve been me. This book helped so much to help me understand and realise what was happening.
This speaker/advocate, Lundy Bancroft, is really good. Even really, really good. I think I'll listen to the vid a second and/or third time, just so I can pickup on all the good and important perspectives and points he's put forth . Thanks for posting this and making it available.
Just happened across this, but Lundy's book is my go to.. changed my life.. thank you so much. I went out with a guy for a few weeks and he demonstrated subtle skirting of responsibility, just a hint of entitlement, and then a little more irresponsibility.. People show their BEST selves at the beginning.. now, these combos don't scream violent abuser, but it is very important I always remember, people don't have to be violent to be abusive.. Like Lundy uses, I do too, chronic mistreatment is abuse. Thank you thank you for your work!
They will use vehicles to threaten you by driving recklessly and mine always screamed at me in truck and intentionally drove us into a deep ditch we had to get towed out my arm was black and blue many screaming insults punishments Im safe i left thank you for your dedication I grew up with DV in my home
I endured a relationship with a man who was not healthy. I made excuses for his behaviour. It was Lundy Bancroft’s book Why does he do that? That helped me to understand the extent of emotional and abuse I had suffered. I only realised post separation when he became even more unstable, after he ended the relationship abruptly. It didn’t end when he left the property, leaving me behind in a foreign country..while he jumped into a new relationship very quickly the reason he ended our relationship. He walked out and took no responsibility then blamed me for the position he left me in. I had already been trapped financially, from 2018 when he started paying an allowance to my bank. It is nearly three years post separation and the laws in Spain and the UK have not helped me.
@@user-xz1yh5mj1q Not trapped exactly..Just waiting for the criminal court hearing as I am now the accused. Three overlapping litagations against me in the Spanish justice system.
Omgggg the suicide statistics , thank you for this presentation, my Stbx partner is in that group of suicidal abuser, this is chilling. Wow. I’m speechless.
I am possibly going to write a book about this. I went through the entirety of all of this and learned a lot. But, the main thing is to just put it out there, what happens to US. I know their is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions. I appreciate that Bancroft is so knowledgeable and is willing to talk about these undersdiscussed problems. There are women who've had their lives destroyed. So, thanks for doing all of this hard work, Mr. Bancroft: )
Write your book. This was the first thought that I had on the very night that the relationship was abruptly terminated by him., August 27th 2020 I had no clue how things would play out post-separation, I very quickly fund out to my cost. As he not only cheated and betrayed me once but twice he told me, Then after he left I discovered he had cheated on the whole relationship not just one woman but was also meeting with one of his ex-wives behind my back.
Thank you for creating this channel. I'm healing from a cluster B / abuser. He is in prison for 4 years. I struggle with thinking I still love him and feel guilty by getting the farthest away I can. I think this time I will make it mostly because I'm doing group DBT therapy and individual therapy with a great therapist.
The times when there’s peace becomes highly prized and that’s distorted. We latch onto those moments, then we feel guilty for the abuser because we have taken so much responsibility for their actions. There’s too much responsibility taken. Got to remember that whoever would be in front of them will get abused. Only way to change is to make better choices with who you share your time with.
Everyone who has experienced or is currently experiencing DV, works closely with DV victims, wants to understand DV from an outside perspective needs to watch this. Thank you for putting facts to the experience and backing all of it up with concrete research. I am a survivor of DV and this video could not have been more helpful. #protectsurvivors #stopdomesticabuse #domesticabusesurvivor
"I don't think you let him do that. I think that he made you pay such a high price any time you objected that it got harder and harder and riskier and riskier to object, and that's not the same." If they leverage your love, for them, your kids, they are splitting you.
Wow this talk is so comprehensive. This information is invaluable to anyone, not just anyone going through a situation with an abuser, but just anyone, in case you ever do get into a situation with one, and for awareness in general of what is really going on with those who abuse, that they need to be held accountable as really the only way to stop the abuse. This is literally world changing information and understanding. I am also in the midst of reading Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?" and it is also just as amazing a resource, I recommend it to everyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to Lundy Bancroft and everyone who gives him a platform to get this information out. This is exactly what I have been looking for ever since I learned about 'narcissism/npd', and finally gives me the 'closure that you'll never get', and the ever elusive answer to the question 'Why?' do they do this, which isn't such a mystery after all. I can't wait to read all his books. Thank you so much, for the children's sake especially. 🙏
"the way to not have happen to me what happened to mom is to reject her and blame her and work very hard to not be like her" (loose quote) For some reason that made me stop what I was doing and call my mom.
I'm trying to do my job at work and I'm having emotional flashbacks and I feel so ashamed that I am stuck in a job where I am so bored that my mind is able to wander to b******* like this. Those abusers don't deserve my energy and attention
What about punching things and slamming doors and screaming at you and “accidentally” breaking your things? (Or finding things you’ve done wrong and needling you or demanding to you about them) Does that count?
I believe this is the book mentioned around 2:15 - How Intimate Partner Violence Affects Children: Developmental Research, Case Studies, and Evidence-Based Intervention by Sandra A. Graham-Bermann & Alytia A Levendosky
I wonder if abuse actually changes the attitude of the battered mom toward her unborn child … or if mom has learned that being honest about where her heart is simply paints a bullseye on the object of her affection (both for the abuser and for the many helpers who will leverage it to incentivize her compliance with their “recommendations” as she tries to stay safe-ish in ways they don’t understand). One of the first things any target persons learns is to not be honest about what matters most to you - because that thing/person is going to get destroyed first next time you “misstep.”
Yes, he's right about getting your children as far away from the abuser as possible. Forever. Especially after you get out of the house. I advocate 100% complete custody in favor of the parent who removed the child or children from the person who is abusing them. In Any form. Usually, it's abuse on every level to not only the the spouse but the children as well. Even if they only seem to be abusing the parent, that, in itself, Is abuse because children know. They are not blind. And this is the sneaky way they pass this behavior down through the generations. All these freaky people want is Their Way. All day. Every day. This is psychological intimidation that Is abuse. They're bullies who, more than likely, learned this from what they saw and heard and felt and continued from their parents. They're horrible people who are so good at tricking sensitive, caring people into feeling obligated to Them. Just for noticing them.That is how it begins. I'm just sick that I put up with it for 18 years. Keep your foot on that throat when getting away from these sick people. And don't let up. They're mentally ill and they rarely ever change. Remember, it's not your job to help a grown man or woman grow up. They never appreciate you because if they had, you would not be here on this channel. It has been over 20 years and I've finally figured out how I fell for this fool. I was adopted and raised alongside a severely mentally challenged sibling with bpd. Whose mother tolerated his behavior and exposed me, as a child to this horrible situation. Do not feel sorry for a person with a mental disorder. If you do, you are teaching a mentally ill person that it's,, ok. That is the gaslighting when you think "it's not that bad.. I know what I'm saying because I experienced it. I lived it. You can never "do enough" for anyone once you are taught by an enabler to treat a mentally ill human being like a "safe" person . I've dug deep into my adopted family's past and found the root of it. My grandparents hidden alcoholism in the 1930s. My mother was a baby then. The end of prohibition. In 1932. The cause of the toxic curse began with that and the result was the consequence they'd never imagine would carry on through the generations to their great grandchildrens trauma from an enabling mother. Me, who was used to tolerating anything. Mental illness will prevail if you give it the opportunity to. I call it evil. And you never set that standard for your babies to live by.
Christianity says the man is supposed to love his wife as Christ so loves the church. Men who use control and manipulation on their wives are not showing love. One thing I had to learn is that when we, as women, allow our husbands and adult children to abuse us, we are teaching the next generation that abuse and control is ok. Even though I eventually left my husband due to his abuse, my children learned the abuse from his continued verbal abuse after the divorce. He told them how awful I was, that it was all my fault, and I never denied it because the courts told me not to talk bad about him. They grew up to abuse me as well. I recently stopped allowing it, and when I did they cut me out of their lives. It's sad, but allowing the abuse isn't helping them.
Lundy speaks of someone named Gondolph; I'd like to check him out, does anyone know the correct spelling of his first and last name? When I tried my internet search the only results I'm finding are for Gandolf 🤭
What is the name of the person he references many times about studies and stats he looks at? I looked at transcript and it’s spelled differently and I googled with no luck
Does Lundy provide links/references to the studies he brings up on a page on his website? And if not, can someone provide them? I want to share them with others because I’m being asked
I have a question, my friends ex used to physically abuse her once in a while, so, they are broken up now. She now regrets breaking up with him, bc she has to work full time, to afford rent and pay bills.
I think the blame is on dad _ for women and men _ who grew up in this _ they are taught to abuse _ if they dont _ they get the abuse_ the game_ abuse or be abused_ a 5 year old has to choose to live or die.
Hmm, towards the end of this video, Bancroft said not to send negative messages to boys about being a man. He said it’s hard enough to hear bad things about being a man when you’re an adult much less when you’re 12 years old. Seems like a double bind because the wrong response is to teach nothing about the awful that is masculinity and the wrong response is to teach what’s awful regarding masculinity. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. The primary tenant of masculinity is don’t be feminine (like a girl or a woman) which is the root of how men come to perceive girls and women as being worthy of their contempt. This tenant of masculinity and the contempt and dehumanization it engenders is the beating heart of domestic abuse/violence . If one is to be damned regardless, is it not the best course of action to be damned if you do? Again, Bancroft has implied that boys are sturdy enough to constantly hear the unchallenged or weakly challenged message that girls are less-than and being a man is to be different-than/better-than girls and women, AND that girls and women who do challenge such messages are failing to meet girl’s and women’s supposed obligations to sacrifice our well being and very humanity for the sake of prioritizing boy’s and men’s “needs” regarding their identities and their “fragile” egos. Double binds are everywhere. I like and respect Bancroft even though he’s caught up in an occasional double bind. Just the same, I chose damned if you do.
I’m a woman, mother and wife. I love masculine men. I think men can be masculine AND kind, loving and protective without being power hungry, selfish and demeaning. I feel best when I am allowed to be my strong and capable feminine self while my husband is also strong and capable. There need not be a subservient partner. That is what Bancroft is trying to tell us about raising our boys to be good men. When my 5 year old repeats the horrible abusive shite his grandpa says, we have to let him know it’s not the right way to be. Since I discovered Bancroft’s books, I have learned the root of abusive behavior and I am ridding it from my young family. I will not pass this down to the next generation if I can help it.
That was also confusing. So a 12 year old pulls a girls hair, grops her calls her b*tch and he doesn't need to hear about how awful he is as a prospect of a man. It's up for the girls and women around him to give hugs and being warm to him even if he doesn't ask for it. Women have been taught to coddle boys and men since the moment they start to talk. That's why we have so many women with rescuer syndrome who think all abusers and serial killers need is a lot of love to heal. Don't get me wrong, men love hugs and warmth from a woman (usually translated into cuddles and sex) and they start recruiting these women to coddle to their sexual and emotional needs since they hit puberty. They call them (placeholder) girlfriends. Boys of school age have easy access to girls same age and aren't bothered in pretending serious interest in order to score and use them until they aren't of no use anymore. Don't forget that men suffer from "post nut clarity", when they feel repulsed by a woman after ejaculating inside her. Dr. Lundy should dig the internet and the manosphere movement (incels, redpills, blackpills, mgtows, PUAs) to see what boys are learning about the ideal way to treat women. And the expert in abusive men and knowledgeable in the abuse women suffer at the hands of men is telling them to hug and be warm. Damn it.
I haven't watched the video yet, but already I don't agree with whatever your idea is about what masculinity is. Real men do cry, do have feelings, are protective of women and children, are capable of love, do not believe that women are less than men, just different in wonderful ways that they appreciate. My parents never told me I couldn't do anything because I was a girl. If I had any brothers and they weren't the super jock types, I am certain that would have been just fine in the house I grew up in. The downside is that I had no clue these evil vile creatures existed. No idea that anyone would hurt others ON PURPOSE for their own entertainment or to achieve other goals.
So many holes. Being defensive, back peddling, etc. I'm not convinced. Really hope this is NOT a money grab. VERY skeptical sir. VERY skeptical. So many more details are needed. What about focusing on the family? Just not convinced.
This comment is hard to understand. What do you mean so many holes? I am in a DV marriage (newly understood- just been surviving for 4 years and I have 2 kids with him). I’m a highly educated women, no financial problems yet I am in a constant state of stress trying to help my husband stay emotionally ok enough to treat our family with respect and not injure us emotionally and physically. Lundy’s book “what does he do that?” was my best resource for understanding that the “ABUSER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS” and that neither I nor my family members are to blame. What a relief within a very difficult life. I’m working on my exit strategy. I wish anyone going through this type of relationship dynamic well and good luck.
@@brennanleyen I understand that it could be too far gone by this point. I guess in a nutshell, a better book for couples struggling would be learning how to understand each other. Something like the "Five Love Languages". I was just thinking about the state of the world in general right now. I just personally feel that education and a lot of work can save many marriages. I wish you the best.
The state of the world has a lot to do with abusive men. Education is necessary indeed, as is holding abusers responsible . The fundamental rights we all have in a relationship trump any “love language”.
@@Jeffrie_Baer I think a lot of marriages could be saved, too, if people really want to. The problem i really struggle with is personal growth differences between my husband and me. He doesn’t think he needs to do anything differently and doesn’t learn from others’ responses to him (not just me). He gave me feedback about my relating to him, my parenting and I changed. It took effort and months of practice, but I DID listen to his needs and make changes. And yet, he still cheated on me and has had one foot out the door since then. I think the biggest mistake is for people to imagine that if only they had another partner, they wouldn’t have problems. But Lundy Bancroft’s books have more to do with emotional and physical abuse from men toward their partners. And, he is right on about it being a learned behavior that gets men a lot of power and privilege through intimidation and control. But what it does in the process, is tears that partner down little by little til there’s hardly anything left. Bancroft’s books are not for normal relationship communication help. They are for abused, exploited people and those who care about them. A better author for normal couple problems is John Gottman. The techniques in the “What Makes Love Last?” book as well as the quizzes are very helpful. I hope this helps you and anyone else that reads it.
She would like to say more but won’t because of others response, this is tricky because some of the things that happen are so unbelievable, a person will stop, reserve speak, highlight main points but won’t go into the granular details. There is a fear the listener won’t believe them leading to further humiliation and also as a defensive/survival mechanism, so that to keep the memory sunk and not go into too much details, the victim will be able to continue to ‘survive’ on a day to day basis.
I am a survivor of DV myself and found his book “Why Does He Do That?” through my local public library when it was brand new 20 years ago. It was most helpful to me to understand that there was nothing that I could do to control him or influence him into a plan of restoration and reconciliation, to stop imagining a resolution, but rather to focus my energies on my exit strategy. His work is brilliant, and and I am so thankful I was able to have had this resource when I needed it.
i’m so sorry that happened and i am so glad you are with us today. i am also so happy you found “why does he do that” i read that book too and felt so validated and understood. it was my gateway into learning about domestic violence further and helped me so much. hope you are doing well. ❤❤❤
As a DV survivor, this was fantastic. I wish all lawyers and family law judges were required to watch this. It would help us when typically we are brushed off and not heard. Our children would be more effectively protected.
Absolutely. Thank you Lundy!
they already know this stuff but male abusers are who they side with because they have the most money though not always and Patriarchy in society and culture fuels this weak minded structure and pick me females help these abusive men because of their internalized misogyny against other women and girls .
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Yes! This information should be required for all fields that deal with DV.. Child protective services, law enforcement as well. From my experience these institutions as well as the courts(as mentioned) are enablers of abusers.. and he said hes been working on this for over 30 years! How are these systems and people STILL failing us when the information and knowledge is/had been out there?
Same!
I feel like the safest thing we can do is marry Lundy.
I wanna marry him too!! I love him 💕
😂Perhaps fuller approves of polygamy or instead someone working for fuller corp while they were writing the above comment was only contemplating a donation to "Theresa's Fund" and/or to "Domestic Shelters" at the time. Fuller brush maybe?
The comments by Lundy Bancroft about how people assume that the abuser loses control but it's not true because at first the abuser behaves violently but as soon as the cops come they are the one that's calm, turns it around and claims that the victim is crazy are true. It reminds me so much of the video of Brian Laundrie and Gabby Petito being pulled over by police. It's long and painful, but I suggest that if you haven't seen the FULL video you should watch the whole thing. In the end he's buddies with the cops and she's loony and admits it! Frightening!
Gabby Petito's footage is an example on how police handles women victims of DV. The policeman taunting Gabby because of the water bottle and then casually talking about his crazy wife and how goos she was to do sandwiches.
@@redleeks6253 Police have a high number of DV abusers themselves. One of the "power" positions that cluster B are fond of.
For even better perspectives on the traffic stop video, Watch two additional channels. One is a retired detective, about 5 minutes into that traffic stop, while Gabby was still missing, he said something like "if she's missing she's dead, and he killed her". I think it's a 5 part series just on that traffic stop. Channel is Good Luck America. It used to be Think Like a Cop, but he's pretty disgusted with other cops these days. The 2nd channel is a diagnosed Narcissist and Psychopath himself, HG Tudor. He goes over the traffic stop bit by bit, telling us from the ABUSER's point of view what is happening and why. Things are SO subtle that you wouldn't notice it. A glance in her direction, to maintain control of what she says, for example. Intimidation.
The Gabby Petito case kept me awake at night, and I‘m not even from the US.
There's a video on CZcams about Gabby patito called "psychology of strangulation" thats really good!
My ex-husband has strangled many people now, although none have been fatal to this point 💔🙏
@Lundybancroft made a significant observation, that too many people/organisations (WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER) continue to support stereotypes of the abuser/ abuse mainly correlating to poverty; that is a totally false narrative. It is also one of the main reasons why shelters/refuges are unable to support middle and upper class women…unfortunately these organisations and social services professionals etc. do not understand the dynamics of abuse in such households. This is one of the main reasons why such women lose custody of their children; the well educated abuser manipulates EVERYONE. These organisations do not understand coercive control in higher income households…it is not a physical problem. More needs to be done to address this problem.
What a great video for anyone dealing with abuse past or present.
I am in a DV marriage (newly understood- just been surviving for 4 years and I have 2 kids with him). I’m a highly educated woman, no financial problems- yet I am in a constant state of stress trying to help my husband stay emotionally ok enough to treat our family with respect and not injure us emotionally and physically. Lundy’s book “what does he do that?” was my best resource for understanding that the “ABUSER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS” and that neither I nor my family members are to blame. What a relief within a very difficult life. I’m working on my exit strategy. I wish anyone going through this type of relationship dynamic well and good luck.
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Best wishes! Lundy’s “When Dad Hurts Mom” and Don Henessey’s “Steps to Freedom” are also wonderful supports.
Please update us if you feel up to it when you get a chance. My heart goes out to you and I hope you and your kids are already free and safe, or as much as you can be away from him.
@@HousingisaHumanRight I am so touched by your response. My kids and I are far far away from him and have residency in another state. He will have to relocate if he wants to abuse us further. It was a 3 year slog of pretending and playing along, but we got safe. I have a good job, my kids are doing well in school. We are happy and shaking off the dark clouds of control. We are getting divorced and he will not likely be interested in having much of a relationship with our children since he cannot get to me. I am so thankful for people like Lundy and you who care and lend strength to those of us who needed to find our way out. ♥️
@@brennanleyen I'm so happy for you guys! Well done!
How I ended up in an abusive relationship? My entire family and his family enabled the relationship. Everyone told me all the behavior I tried to talk about to get perspective was normal, to be expected, my fault for poking the bear, and that's just how all men behave. I made it out just before it got seriously physical. His eyes turned black because I was asking too many questions about his actions and his words 'if you weren't a woman, I would be beating your ass right now, and my father taught me to never hit a woman.' It was surreal. He was in a suit and tie making his breakfast before work.
The "eyes going black" thing really hit me. I've seen those eyes too. Nothing has ever scared me more in my life. Sending you love and best wishes. Thank you for sharing.
@@MimiJaneBee me too, it was like looking into a reptile's eyes. Totally flat and blank and cold.
40:39 - "but where do you hear the contempt?" is such a useful and meaningful observation about an abuser
Yes absolutely. I often wondered why my abuser husband had such contempt for me, think I read something about deep hatred of his parent that he couldn’t stand up to when a child and you fall into that roll now, so he lets out his anger on you. Well I don’t know…just recall an explanation like that. But I truly believe in that whole entitlement the abuser has. I think it’s very very true.
So much wisdom and good explanations. 👏👏👏👏 Mr Bancroft is truly gifted in being able to communicate his logical knowledge in such a clear precise manner. I deeply applaud him!
The book he wrote Why does He do that? Is one of the best I have ever read, not just the fantastic logical content, but also he’s such an excellent writer communicator, it’s so well written. He organizes his thoughts so well and the editing is superb. No spelling mistakes, as in so many books these days. It’s one of the few books I’ve read where I didn’t find a single mistake. Lundy is so amazing and logical. I applaud you Lundy and in awe of your work. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
the one thing i seriously love about this guy’s book is that he DOESNT BLAME THE MOTHER! i am a child of an abusive relationship, both physical and mental, and everyone always blames my mom! but it’s not her fault, she did the best she could, i think. everyone always says “she let him put his hands on her kids,” and then assigns all the blame to her, ignoring that he’s the one who hit them in the first place. it’s so difficult to leave. i sympathise so much with all women and mothers who have experienced/ are experiencing domestic violence.
Thank you Lundy for all you have done and continue to do. I feel like its a lonely road. The police and family courts really need to LISTEN to you!
This book helped me so much. I was the woman who would say it was just verbal abuse. I knew it was bad but I was addicted and then I had enough when he threatened to leave one more time and just let him leave. His ex gf contacted me some time later. I found out he was physically violent in their relationship. Had I let it go on for longer that would’ve been me. This book helped so much to help me understand and realise what was happening.
This entire presentation is spot on.
This speaker/advocate, Lundy Bancroft, is really good. Even really, really good. I think I'll listen to the vid a second and/or third time, just so I can pickup on all the good and important perspectives and points he's put forth . Thanks for posting this and making it available.
Just happened across this, but Lundy's book is my go to.. changed my life.. thank you so much.
I went out with a guy for a few weeks and he demonstrated subtle skirting of responsibility, just a hint of entitlement, and then a little more irresponsibility..
People show their BEST selves at the beginning.. now, these combos don't scream violent abuser, but it is very important I always remember, people don't have to be violent to be abusive..
Like Lundy uses, I do too, chronic mistreatment is abuse. Thank you thank you for your work!
They will use vehicles to threaten you by driving recklessly and mine always screamed at me in truck and intentionally drove us into a deep ditch we had to get towed out my arm was black and blue many screaming insults punishments Im safe i left thank you for your dedication I grew up with DV in my home
I endured a relationship with a man who was not healthy. I made excuses for his behaviour. It was Lundy Bancroft’s book Why does he do that? That helped me to understand the extent of emotional and abuse I had suffered. I only realised post separation when he became even more unstable, after he ended the relationship abruptly.
It didn’t end when he left the property, leaving me behind in a foreign country..while he jumped into a new relationship very quickly the reason he ended our relationship.
He walked out and took no responsibility then blamed me for the position he left me in.
I had already been trapped financially, from 2018 when he started paying an allowance to my bank.
It is nearly three years post separation and the laws in Spain and the UK have not helped me.
Are you still trapped in a foreign country?
@@user-xz1yh5mj1q Not trapped exactly..Just waiting for the criminal court hearing as I am now the accused.
Three overlapping litagations against me in the Spanish justice system.
Lundy is amazing ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
His book why does he do that has helped me so much
Me too. It prevented me from going back.
Same here.
Omgggg the suicide statistics , thank you for this presentation, my Stbx partner is in that group of suicidal abuser, this is chilling. Wow. I’m speechless.
Amazing! So complete and deep. Thank you.
I am possibly going to write a book about this. I went through the entirety of all of this and learned a lot. But, the main thing is to just put it out there, what happens to US. I know their is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions. I appreciate that Bancroft is so knowledgeable and is willing to talk about these undersdiscussed problems. There are women who've had their lives destroyed. So, thanks for doing all of this hard work, Mr. Bancroft: )
Write your book. This was the first thought that I had on the very night that the relationship was abruptly terminated by him.,
August 27th 2020 I had no clue how things would play out post-separation, I very quickly fund out to my cost.
As he not only cheated and betrayed me once but twice he told me,
Then after he left I discovered he had cheated on the whole relationship not just one woman but was also meeting with one of his ex-wives behind my back.
Every single teacher my daughter has had, has brought up her anxiety about going to her dads and that he won’t let her call me.
Thank you for creating this channel. I'm healing from a cluster B / abuser. He is in prison for 4 years. I struggle with thinking I still love him and feel guilty by getting the farthest away I can. I think this time I will make it mostly because I'm doing group DBT therapy and individual therapy with a great therapist.
I think that I understand where you're coming from in your comment. I have two cluster b exs.
The times when there’s peace becomes highly prized and that’s distorted. We latch onto those moments, then we feel guilty for the abuser because we have taken so much responsibility for their actions. There’s too much responsibility taken. Got to remember that whoever would be in front of them will get abused.
Only way to change is to make better choices with who you share your time with.
Everyone who has experienced or is currently experiencing DV, works closely with DV victims, wants to understand DV from an outside perspective needs to watch this. Thank you for putting facts to the experience and backing all of it up with concrete research. I am a survivor of DV and this video could not have been more helpful.
#protectsurvivors #stopdomesticabuse #domesticabusesurvivor
"I don't think you let him do that. I think that he made you pay such a high price any time you objected that it got harder and harder and riskier and riskier to object, and that's not the same." If they leverage your love, for them, your kids, they are splitting you.
‘ it’s not mom’s fault’ ❤
Wow this talk is so comprehensive. This information is invaluable to anyone, not just anyone going through a situation with an abuser, but just anyone, in case you ever do get into a situation with one, and for awareness in general of what is really going on with those who abuse, that they need to be held accountable as really the only way to stop the abuse. This is literally world changing information and understanding. I am also in the midst of reading Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?" and it is also just as amazing a resource, I recommend it to everyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to Lundy Bancroft and everyone who gives him a platform to get this information out. This is exactly what I have been looking for ever since I learned about 'narcissism/npd', and finally gives me the 'closure that you'll never get', and the ever elusive answer to the question 'Why?' do they do this, which isn't such a mystery after all. I can't wait to read all his books. Thank you so much, for the children's sake especially. 🙏
"the way to not have happen to me what happened to mom is to reject her and blame her and work very hard to not be like her" (loose quote) For some reason that made me stop what I was doing and call my mom.
allot if info. thank you
I'm trying to do my job at work and I'm having emotional flashbacks and I feel so ashamed that I am stuck in a job where I am so bored that my mind is able to wander to b******* like this. Those abusers don't deserve my energy and attention
What a great presentation. I learned so much. Thanks
What about punching things and slamming doors and screaming at you and “accidentally” breaking your things? (Or finding things you’ve done wrong and needling you or demanding to you about them) Does that count?
Count as abuse? Yes. Definitely.
Yes it definately does.
Yes! It’s part of intimidation, or creating fear.
Excellent!
I believe this is the book mentioned around 2:15 - How Intimate Partner Violence Affects Children: Developmental Research, Case Studies, and Evidence-Based Intervention
by Sandra A. Graham-Bermann & Alytia A Levendosky
Sorry, the correct timestamp is 2:14:32
I wonder if abuse actually changes the attitude of the battered mom toward her unborn child … or if mom has learned that being honest about where her heart is simply paints a bullseye on the object of her affection (both for the abuser and for the many helpers who will leverage it to incentivize her compliance with their “recommendations” as she tries to stay safe-ish in ways they don’t understand). One of the first things any target persons learns is to not be honest about what matters most to you - because that thing/person is going to get destroyed first next time you “misstep.”
I felt this in my feels 😢
Exactly. 🎯💯
I remember my Dad screaming that’s my blood running in your veins!
Do you ever look at scapegoating in these abusive families?
Yes, he's right about getting your children as far away from the abuser as possible. Forever. Especially after you get out of the house. I advocate 100% complete custody in favor of the parent who removed the child or children from the person who is abusing them. In Any form. Usually, it's abuse on every level to not only the the spouse but the children as well. Even if they only seem to be abusing the parent, that, in itself, Is abuse because children know. They are not blind. And this is the sneaky way they pass this behavior down through the generations. All these freaky people want is Their Way. All day. Every day. This is psychological intimidation that Is abuse. They're bullies who, more than likely, learned this from what they saw and heard and felt and continued from their parents. They're horrible people who are so good at tricking sensitive, caring people into feeling obligated to Them. Just for noticing them.That is how it begins. I'm just sick that I put up with it for 18 years. Keep your foot on that throat when getting away from these sick people. And don't let up. They're mentally ill and they rarely ever change. Remember, it's not your job to help a grown man or woman grow up. They never appreciate you because if they had, you would not be here on this channel. It has been over 20 years and I've finally figured out how I fell for this fool. I was adopted and raised alongside a severely mentally challenged sibling with bpd. Whose mother tolerated his behavior and exposed me, as a child to this horrible situation. Do not feel sorry for a person with a mental disorder. If you do, you are teaching a mentally ill person that it's,, ok. That is the gaslighting when you think "it's not that bad.. I know what I'm saying because I experienced it. I lived it. You can never "do enough" for anyone once you are taught by an enabler to treat a mentally ill human being like a "safe" person . I've dug deep into my adopted family's past and found the root of it. My grandparents hidden alcoholism in the 1930s. My mother was a baby then. The end of prohibition. In 1932. The cause of the toxic curse began with that and the result was the consequence they'd never imagine would carry on through the generations to their great grandchildrens trauma from an enabling mother. Me, who was used to tolerating anything. Mental illness will prevail if you give it the opportunity to. I call it evil. And you never set that standard for your babies to live by.
I read your book
@17:35 so true
15:55
he's right it does make you closed off from people
We have to stop feeling sorry for these guys. BINGO.
Christianity says the man is supposed to love his wife as Christ so loves the church. Men who use control and manipulation on their wives are not showing love. One thing I had to learn is that when we, as women, allow our husbands and adult children to abuse us, we are teaching the next generation that abuse and control is ok.
Even though I eventually left my husband due to his abuse, my children learned the abuse from his continued verbal abuse after the divorce. He told them how awful I was, that it was all my fault, and I never denied it because the courts told me not to talk bad about him. They grew up to abuse me as well. I recently stopped allowing it, and when I did they cut me out of their lives. It's sad, but allowing the abuse isn't helping them.
Lundy speaks of someone named Gondolph; I'd like to check him out, does anyone know the correct spelling of his first and last name? When I tried my internet search the only results I'm finding are for Gandolf 🤭
Hello, the person he mentions is Ed Gondolf.
1:03:34 just saving my place to come back to watch later
What is the name of the person he references many times about studies and stats he looks at? I looked at transcript and it’s spelled differently and I googled with no luck
The person he references is Ed Gondolf
Does Lundy provide links/references to the studies he brings up on a page on his website? And if not, can someone provide them? I want to share them with others because I’m being asked
You can find more information on his website: lundybancroft.com/
I have a question, my friends ex used to physically abuse her once in a while, so, they are broken up now. She now regrets breaking up with him, bc she has to work full time, to afford rent and pay bills.
It's a huge issue. In Australia where rents are massive many women are forced to stay or return to their abusers.
@@tahliamobile Wow, I had no clue. When my cousin got her job, she told me, she wants to return to her ex, he was begging and everything!
Has she looked into career options - work that pays well that she might enjoy more?
@@raevandyer9422 Career options sounds good. But, what are good career oprions for someone who's starting out?
48:38 Igondolf? What's the name he's saying here? Who's the person who's work he heavily bases his work off of?
Hello, the person he mentions is Ed Gondolf
What were the books he recommended?
Is it still possible to receive a certificate for this webinar? Thank u
Yes, please email info@domesticshelters.org
I think the blame is on dad _ for women and men _ who grew up in this _ they are taught to abuse _ if they dont _ they get the abuse_ the game_ abuse or be abused_ a 5 year old has to choose to live or die.
I would like a resource for the studies.
Please email info@domesticshelters.org for resources. Thank you!
Hmm, towards the end of this video, Bancroft said not to send negative messages to boys about being a man. He said it’s hard enough to hear bad things about being a man when you’re an adult much less when you’re 12 years old. Seems like a double bind because the wrong response is to teach nothing about the awful that is masculinity and the wrong response is to teach what’s awful regarding masculinity. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
The primary tenant of masculinity is don’t be feminine (like a girl or a woman) which is the root of how men come to perceive girls and women as being worthy of their contempt. This tenant of masculinity and the contempt and dehumanization it engenders is the beating heart of domestic abuse/violence .
If one is to be damned regardless, is it not the best course of action to be damned if you do?
Again, Bancroft has implied that boys are sturdy enough to constantly hear the unchallenged or weakly challenged message that girls are less-than and being a man is to be different-than/better-than girls and women, AND that girls and women who do challenge such messages are failing to meet girl’s and women’s supposed obligations to sacrifice our well being and very humanity for the sake of prioritizing boy’s and men’s “needs” regarding their identities and their “fragile” egos.
Double binds are everywhere. I like and respect Bancroft even though he’s caught up in an occasional double bind. Just the same, I chose damned if you do.
I’m a woman, mother and wife. I love masculine men. I think men can be masculine AND kind, loving and protective without being power hungry, selfish and demeaning. I feel best when I am allowed to be my strong and capable feminine self while my husband is also strong and capable. There need not be a subservient partner. That is what Bancroft is trying to tell us about raising our boys to be good men. When my 5 year old repeats the horrible abusive shite his grandpa says, we have to let him know it’s not the right way to be. Since I discovered Bancroft’s books, I have learned the root of abusive behavior and I am ridding it from my young family. I will not pass this down to the next generation if I can help it.
That was also confusing.
So a 12 year old pulls a girls hair, grops her calls her b*tch and he doesn't need to hear about how awful he is as a prospect of a man.
It's up for the girls and women around him to give hugs and being warm to him even if he doesn't ask for it.
Women have been taught to coddle boys and men since the moment they start to talk. That's why we have so many women with rescuer syndrome who think all abusers and serial killers need is a lot of love to heal.
Don't get me wrong, men love hugs and warmth from a woman (usually translated into cuddles and sex) and they start recruiting these women to coddle to their sexual and emotional needs since they hit puberty. They call them (placeholder) girlfriends.
Boys of school age have easy access to girls same age and aren't bothered in pretending serious interest in order to score and use them until they aren't of no use anymore.
Don't forget that men suffer from "post nut clarity", when they feel repulsed by a woman after ejaculating inside her.
Dr. Lundy should dig the internet and the manosphere movement (incels, redpills, blackpills, mgtows, PUAs) to see what boys are learning about the ideal way to treat women.
And the expert in abusive men and knowledgeable in the abuse women suffer at the hands of men is telling them to hug and be warm.
Damn it.
I haven't watched the video yet, but already I don't agree with whatever your idea is about what masculinity is. Real men do cry, do have feelings, are protective of women and children, are capable of love, do not believe that women are less than men, just different in wonderful ways that they appreciate. My parents never told me I couldn't do anything because I was a girl. If I had any brothers and they weren't the super jock types, I am certain that would have been just fine in the house I grew up in.
The downside is that I had no clue these evil vile creatures existed. No idea that anyone would hurt others ON PURPOSE for their own entertainment or to achieve other goals.
@@brennanleyen Agree!
@@redleeks6253 MGTOW;s are not red-pilled they are just abusers!
Please water the plant behind you! :>
Haha, don't worry! It's been watered and is looking much better now. :-)
Disagree. Majority of abusers are narcissist. entitlement is a hige part of narcissistic presentation
So many holes. Being defensive, back peddling, etc. I'm not convinced. Really hope this is NOT a money grab. VERY skeptical sir. VERY skeptical. So many more details are needed. What about focusing on the family? Just not convinced.
This comment is hard to understand. What do you mean so many holes?
I am in a DV marriage (newly understood- just been surviving for 4 years and I have 2 kids with him). I’m a highly educated women, no financial problems yet I am in a constant state of stress trying to help my husband stay emotionally ok enough to treat our family with respect and not injure us emotionally and physically. Lundy’s book “what does he do that?” was my best resource for understanding that the “ABUSER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS” and that neither I nor my family members are to blame. What a relief within a very difficult life. I’m working on my exit strategy. I wish anyone going through this type of relationship dynamic well and good luck.
@@brennanleyen I understand that it could be too far gone by this point. I guess in a nutshell, a better book for couples struggling would be learning how to understand each other. Something like the "Five Love Languages". I was just thinking about the state of the world in general right now. I just personally feel that education and a lot of work can save many marriages. I wish you the best.
The state of the world has a lot to do with abusive men. Education is necessary indeed, as is holding abusers responsible . The fundamental rights we all have in a relationship trump any “love language”.
@@comoane Sorry that you feel that way.
@@Jeffrie_Baer I think a lot of marriages could be saved, too, if people really want to. The problem i really struggle with is personal growth differences between my husband and me. He doesn’t think he needs to do anything differently and doesn’t learn from others’ responses to him (not just me). He gave me feedback about my relating to him, my parenting and I changed. It took effort and months of practice, but I DID listen to his needs and make changes. And yet, he still cheated on me and has had one foot out the door since then. I think the biggest mistake is for people to imagine that if only they had another partner, they wouldn’t have problems. But Lundy Bancroft’s books have more to do with emotional and physical abuse from men toward their partners. And, he is right on about it being a learned behavior that gets men a lot of power and privilege through intimidation and control. But what it does in the process, is tears that partner down little by little til there’s hardly anything left. Bancroft’s books are not for normal relationship communication help. They are for abused, exploited people and those who care about them. A better author for normal couple problems is John Gottman. The techniques in the “What Makes Love Last?” book as well as the quizzes are very helpful. I hope this helps you and anyone else that reads it.
She would like to say more but won’t because of others response, this is tricky because some of the things that happen are so unbelievable, a person will stop, reserve speak, highlight main points but won’t go into the granular details. There is a fear the listener won’t believe them leading to further humiliation and also as a defensive/survival mechanism, so that to keep the memory sunk and not go into too much details, the victim will be able to continue to ‘survive’ on a day to day basis.