What to do if you misgender someone
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- čas přidán 22. 05. 2016
- Watch this video for my opinion on the best way to deal with accidentally misgendering someone. Here's a hint: less is more!
Being misgendered is uncomfortable and recognizing that you have misgendered someone else by accident is uncomfortable too. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is apologize for the accidental misgendering, and then go back to treating that person like a regular human being, the same way you would treat anyone else.
Sometimes when we get into uncomfortable situations, we overcompensate and it ends up making the other person feel worse. If you make a mistake apologize, but try not to accidentally transfer your discomfort to the other person by overcompensating. I just want to feel like a regular person, even after I have been misgendered.
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I'd say just not make a big deal of it. Just say sorry and move on.
Rebecca Paige thanks for the advice i just did it a minute ago and i feel terrible for it.
I everytime I can it feels great🤣
@@sonldpsdnk you like misgendering people?
On the other side, overcompensating for mistakes is a normal human behaviour probably coming from insecurity. It takes a lot to be able to understand you don't need to "make right" any small thing you do and be confident enough to "act normal". The majority of people probably just can't.
+Patrizia P I agree, but it can serve to transfer the discomfort to the other person, which is something I think might be avoidable. My opinion of course.
+Ashley Wylde she was just being fucking nice chil
I misgendered someone accidentally today and I feel so freaking bad. I knew the persons pronouns too. I apologized and we moved on and we hung out later but my conscience is very active and it eats me alive. I just want to cry
@@serenhoward1597 meet omgg, I feel so fucking bad
@@serenhoward1597 dude, it's not that important. I was recently misgendered (even though I'm cis), and I just laughed it off and moved on.
What's the world coming to when people get all worked up over a compliment? So people aren't allowed to make pleasant small talks now?
What if they genuinely saw you as pretty? Don't they have a right to express too?
SMH
I'm misgendered all the time
It doesn't really bothers me though 😅
It's not misgendering if it's the gender you were born as.
@Cubs YT **pulls out uno reverse card**
Your grammar sucks
@@teamawesomeness7137 well thank fuck you are not our yardstick
@@Network126 fax
No one has the right to force someone to say things they don't believe. Live in you own delusion.
If it's an accident forgive them and move on.
True.
EXACTLY
I accidenlly misgendered someone and they started screamed at me :(
I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes people who are really struggling with their gender aren't able to be as kind to others as one might hope. It's painful for them, but at some point they hopefully are able to work through it and not feel that the world is pitted against them.
i accidently did on twitter. apperently it was in their location but i couldnt see it and they got so mad omg lol i even said sorry
@@AWylde It's gotten worse with elections.
Did she just say that we shouldn't treat Trans people as normal people? What
I wouldn’t feel embarrassed if I misgendered someone
This doesn’t even make sense,, telling you that you are pretty is treating yOu like a “normal” person
Yeah but what if she he and/or they doesnt and/or don't like getting called pretty though. It wouldnt be fair to call someone pretty handsome beautiful cute etc etc if she he and/or they doesnt and/or don't like being called pretty beautiful etc etc. That person might feel that the word doesn't really describe her him and/or them at the moment, how she he and/or they are currently feeling etc etc etc.
One of my faves. It might be tough or just not your style to share small, personal, day to day interactions you have like this, but this is my favorite kind of thing from you :)
omg I agree. It's so strange and annoying when people overcompensate like that. I think I would have laughed in her face if she said "pretty lady" like that to me lol. So, how did you react when she called you "pretty lady"? Did you give her a weird look or did you just pretend like the incident didn't happen?
I get misgendered all the time too. One time I went to the walk-in clinic and I was in the bathroom when the doctor called my name, so when I came out of the bathroom my mom told me they literally just called my name. So, I walked up to the desk where the nurses were and was like, "hey, you just called my name a second ago" and there were four nurses standing there staring at me so confused. And I'm like, "uhh, did you not literally just call someone?" Finally one nurse said to another nurse with a clipboard, "I think the patient is on your list" and the nurse looked at her clipboard and was like, "no, I'm waiting for Laura" and I'm just there like, "yep, that's me." It was so strange and awkward lol. But the nurse who took me in the room was great about it in that she just brushed it off and acted like it didn't happen (she didn't apologize but I didn't care) and she just started asking me the typical questions that a doctor asks you.
ThisMidnightMedicine it's almost as bad as living in iraq
PotatoMaGobinus what are you on about throwing these random comments? What you're doing is whataboutism,this experience has nothing to do with Iraq.
IF YOU A GIRL YOUR A GIRL NOT MISGENDERED YOU DISGRACE
This really helped, thank you! I aways feel so awful whenever I mis-gender someone, it’s never on purpose :(
Samee, I just misgendered a friend and I feel HORRIBLE
@@dreamingofthemoon I wouldn't feel ashamed at all lol
@@doommarine4067 Well you should
@@dreamingofthemoon okay why should I lol
@@dreamingofthemoon I'd love for you to explain to me why I should feel ashamed because I can give two shits what anyone thinks
This video was very helpful. Thanks, I've been having a rough day today on Twitter because I accidentally misgendered someone. Now everyone is shaming me despite my vow to be more careful about my words and actions. I said I was sorry and that I'll do better. They still attacked me and they wouldn't listen. 😭
Twitter’s a really toxic platform full of toxic people. I wouldn’t recommend being on there tbh.
@@mutantmunstercheese1 What's a non-toxic social media platform for promoting art?
@@WolfAngleBlade well all sites will have some toxicity in them, not every art site is pure, but I’d recommend maybe deviantart, since that is an art site. Instagram is a pretty good one too.
omg me to man
@Popcato !! im Just not gonna reply to anything anymore man and Just Read the tweets of the MCYT'S i watch
Whilst the person's reaction wasn't ideal, the fact she overcompensated shows that she did actually care. The majority of people are rarely going to encounter this situation, hence why they just don't know how to act. Whilst I get your point about pronouns, it only really applies when you aren't sure of a person's gender. In this case it sounds like she was confident that you were male - sure she turned out to be wrong, but then the only way to avoid that happening 100% is to ask every person you meet what their pronouns are. That's just not realistically going to happen, given that we are correct in our assumptions 99.9% of the time.
I misgendered someone but it was not directly. I was speaking to a parent about his son and he corrected me and said he has a son and a daughter and that his daughter has short hair. I immediately said sorry but then we still had more conversation. I am in the service industry and the father was my customer. At this point the children were not present but I still had to discuss their activities. Specifically the activity of his daughter. At that point I didn’t know if it was appropriate to ask the dad for the pronouns. So I came and looked it up here.
"Do not treat transgenders like normal human beings" "Treat me like you would anyone else"
Idiocracy.
Was obvs a slip
100% i wish more people could understand this, pronouns are the best to use to ask people what gender they are without being rude are causing embaressment.
Ashley you are so cool and give such wonderful advice and explain things so beautifully. Thank you so much for doing these videos they really help clear things up. I'm so sorry you receive mean comments from ignorant people, you clearly don't deserve them. But than again, there are trolls talking s**t about everyone so i guess you just shake it off. Please surround yourself with people who see what a wonderful person you are and support you always and take care of yourself.
Apologize and move on. If they are normal sane person, they are gonna accept the apology and move on, too. If they are not...well...then nothing can be done either way.
What if you are a pretty lady and/or a pretty boy and/or a pretty NB?
understanding has to be on both sides you cant get angry when someone misunderstands. It is very different for a lot of people who have been taught one thing their whole life and now there is so many different classifactions of what someone wants to be called not everyone knows them and does not understand. educate people do not lose your temper or take it personally if it was a mistake its not that persons fault.
It's not the responsibility of the person harmed to make YOU feel more comfortable for harming them. Their anger is justified. Your excuses for continuing to misgender them instead of educating yourself and doing better and simply that--excuses that tell trans and nonbinary folks that your feelings matter more than theirs.
@@jessicaklein881 Don't expect others to always know just by seeing your appearence.
i accidentally referred to my crush as her and hes trans and he was sitting right next to me and it was so damn awkward. it didnt mess up our friendship luckily. and i asked him out just fine. so im good.
This JUST happened to me lol 🤣
I'm sorry you got bullied
What? That someone mistakenly identified you as a man?
BRO YOUR A MAN
First world problems.
Don't misgender yourself and it won't be awkward or confusing
Would it ever be rude to ask someone what pronouns they prefer? I would rather ask so I don't assume but if it's someone who has never gotten that question before I would think they might get upset?
No it isn't
First off, I’m not disputing asking someone their pronouns.
But in reality, the only time I tried because I genuinely couldn’t tell, the reply I got from the person was a string of verbal abuse, criticising me for even asking. So, yes I do think there are times when you shouldn’t ask.
It’s not rude but to some people they get really mad idk why
@@connorcaseley9577 I would be offended if someone asked me
@@lolipopglitch8633 What are your pronouns though? Can't tell by your name and avatar.
I have been misgendered all the time, no one accepts me as a man, even though i normally wear stereotipycally female clothes, and talk with a stereotypically female voice, and act like a stereotypical female all the time... and literally wrote FEMALE on my forehead. They should guess anyway >:(
If you were born as a male with a penis, identified as a man, & your pronouns were he/him & someone called you a girl or used she/her pronouns,,,, You would be offended, regardless of how you look, correct?
I don't use public restrooms and people that know I'm a girl like to call me young or pretty lady just like that.
Where?
What do you say to people who misgender you? This old lady at the grocery store was like to my grandma, "Is this your grandson helping you out today?" And I was like "grand-daughter". Because it's like, how do I explain to a lady in the checkout lane how I'm nonbinary? How do I correct without feeling like I have to explain? Argg
If you don't want to be misgendered, then wear a tag with your preferred gender or pronouns. It's on YOU to notify people.
Hi Kendra! Not sure if you watched this video but it has nothing to do with your comment! The video is actually about what it looks like for a compassionate conversation to take place after misgendering has happened. Even when trans people do take steps to identify their pronouns, mishaps still happen. Thanks for you comment ☺️
@@AWylde And no penises in vagina safe spaces. I think that's the #1 issue here
I met someone online and accidently misgendered them, I feel so bad. Our covo kinda died after I did. I apologized but idk 😭
Great video Ashley. This is something that needs to be seen by cis people
Answer: Get over it and stop making everyone's opinion so important to you.
Great video, good argument
I have a friend named Ashley. She doesn't play with dolls and she never combs her hair. Also, her magic is the greatest. Also, she turned her teacher into a spoon.
I think I know her! Do you know if she knows Wario by chance?
I mean the fast way is
"Sorry " i think misgemder is not rude, is just a mistake everyone is a human being this video is actally very usefull
Well I actually misgendered someone and yet I apologized with a full explanation on not knowing their pronouns, but they won't accept it.
apologize, exactly.
I use humor to defuse tention. It never works.
Idk if that's a man it a woman
Man
Listen to the voice, she’s a chick
Nothing! That's what I do.
God this story suddenly reminded me of a time when a guy in a shop confused me for being a guy. He apologized and then said "Yeah that's what you get for having short hair, haha". I didn't even realize how rude that was until now.
Poor little girl...boy... Idk what's going on here.
Who is that?
well said ..
Thank you !!
I was at the eye doctor's about a month ago and my hair was cut like a guys haircut, I clearly had boys clothes on. (I've never been misgendered YET) So I was meeting with my Eye Doctor and he said "Okay sit down" "There you go girly" and i don't know if he was meaning to be rude or anything like that because i haven't been on testosterone yet..but who knows.
I mean I never heard anyone call another human like that, I’d be more worried about sexism than misgendering
@@Asaiiku I get called girlie all the time ... and I hate it since I'm not a girl
As far as I;m concerned, this is a girl. If that offends anyone, I don't give a shit.
Neediest human beings. Can't wait for this trend to be OVER!!!
If you were born as a male with a penis, identified as a man, & your pronouns were he/him & someone called you a girl or used she/her pronouns,,,, You would be offended, regardless of how you look, correct? Also, this "trend" has lasted for over 5000 years since about AT LEAST 3000 BC
Saw this and thought I liked your personality. Wish your channel had more than content centered around gender.
Enjoyed hearing you opinion.
This will be a funny nuanced comment for this video... I'm a grown man with a wife & child. My grandfathers name was Ashley. I was named after both of my Grandfathers(My middle name is my other grandfather). I was the proverbial "boy named Sue" even though I had a loving father growing up. I'm a Gen X'er who got bullied for having a girls name even though the etymology of Ashley is originally Male when you research it.
I grew up getting girl scout invites & make up adverts in the mail. I'm proud to be named after my grandfathers who loved me. Just because I live in a culture that constantly changes, doesn't mean I have too. My parents even gave me the opportunity to change my name if I wanted. I consider that SUCH a disrespectful thing to do to them, because they meant well by it.
did you mention a song written by Shel Silverstein?
Ugh relatable
I love how a DOCTOR called you what you are, you are what you are born as.
Doctor Who?
So if you're born intersex you're biologically non-binary ... and if you're born missing genitals you're biologically agender?
It is imperative that we all affirm and confirm their delusion !
Don't take it so serious, sis.
Hi there two legged species.
What if they have a prosthetic leg you insensitive jerk.
Dude you will literally get an eye role and the most basic level of ignoring the elephant in the room! Accept it
I'm a tomboy so um like today I was at universal studios Hollywood and I was in line to go on for a ride but a man told my mom and I no bags allowed for this ride and he said your son and you need to lock your stuff in the free lockers over there and my mom was like all confused but as we got in there another man said to me excuse me sir and it was so awkward because I didn't know what to say😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅
......You just said ok sorry and move on.....
Can the doctor just not be nice to you?
Hey Ashley,
I love your video but I'm a little bit confused because I thought you went by female pronouns
Emily H yes but pronouns & gender identity don't have to align. There's another video where she explicitly explains that, you should check it out :)
Mr Schmidt This is the dumbest thing I ever read
Great video! I've noticed some discomfort around cis-gender people about asking people what their pronouns are, as if it's embarrassing to everyone that someone's gender is unclear. It implicitly points to how important binary gender-conformance has traditionally been seen to be! Hope you're mum feels better Ashley xx
discomfort around *Normal ppl
I'm surprised how angry people get when you refuse to let YOUR genitals be THEIR business. How someone acts and talks and dresses and identifies is their own business and it's not their responsibility to advertise to you or anyone else what they are packing. The fact the people insist on making something so private public knowledge, especially for babies and children is frankly disgusting to me.
People who insist that their are only two genders and that you are the gender you are assigned at birth are essentially just walking around insisting that everyone play "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" and getting pissed of when people don't want to play along.
Lol. People don't identify the sex of a person by only their primary sex characteristics. They do so more by their secondary sex characteristics. Which are endless. From body shape, to height, voice, muscle mass, broadness of shoulders/hips, breasts, body hair, skin type etc etc etc. I hope this helps you with your delusions.
This lady acts like you can actually change your gender wtf
Yeah I was just going to comment this
Let me guess, you're a republican transphobe?
GrayChronicles transphobic? For calling her what she is?? Are you admitting to the world that that makes the Republican Party the party of facts?
@@edgyspaghetti Let me guess your a Democrat sjw
@@ParanoidBobby No but i am an arsonist, be prepared for an arson on your favorite restaurant.
what i find very effective is avoiding contact with anyone who looks like they might be a weirdo. simply ignore them. you are under no obligation to utter a single word to anyone. your right to remain silent. if someone comes up to me in the street to ask the time and they look like a transvestite, feminist, green hair, druggie, lesbian, whatever, i just ignore them and walk on. i dont intend to be rude but i have enough to think about in life without having to worry about what gender somebody wants to be called. i dont care, not fking interested. go play that game with somebody who gives a shit
Wow just wow.
I adore you.. Recently found you on here and I've been going through and watching all your videos. They are well made and you're really smart about trans issues. Thank you!
What?? What is this back ground angle change?? 😜
cis-male here, thank-you for this video. it is awkward when I've misgendered someone
and the advice you give is wonderfully simple "apologize and move on". the mistake I made was making it a big deal at the time, embarrassing the person I accidentally hurt. If it happens again, I'll just apologize and move on. I'll feel guilty or bad on my own time and not put they/them in a more awkward situation.
Also people making a fuss about it, apologising until seemingly the end of actual time, making an dramatic scene.
Or making a Youube video
Thanks for sharing these important words!
Why not make a video for people not living in supportive environments? You seem to have support from family and friends; what about those people with phobic families living in phobic towns or regions?
Me: laughs in finland where we call every one "hän"
Thank you so much! I'm an anxious wreck and I feel like I'd be fumbling around with me words for hours over misgendering someone!
Edit: Two years later & now I'm out of the closet ae trans pog
Lmao I hope you’re joking!
Do nothing.
It's their problem.
I am genderfluid and am predominately masculine (even though I am fairly comfortable with a lot of the pronouns), so if she over compensated by calling me pretty lady that just would have made me feel much worse. For me (and this is just for me) I wouldn't have minded if she thought I was a dude. But the way over the top "pretty lady" stuff....um, no. :)
I've never been on Tumblr in my life. Maybe you should stay off Tumblr if you don't like the people you find there. Don't tell people who they are, they know who they are. Telling people who they are makes you really uninteresting to talk to. Byyyye!!
Ethan Allen what you are doing in calling Lisa mentally ill is
a) gaslighting as you're trying to invalidate someone's opinion as madness
b) extremely ableist as it is insulting to ppl with mental illnesses
Also, if the comment seems out of context: it shouldn't be so hard to figure out that they weren't responding to a comment that's been reported & taken down since. Stop this kind of behaviour.
So should we just not compliment each other in anyway? Because everything seems to offend everyone. You are attractive; pretty may not be your choice of word, but how can someone tell that by looking? And I know you don't feel like a lady, but to others you may appear to be, even if you don't feel like it. I truly don't mean to mock, I am curious and cautious. I often cycle between feeling feminine and masculine, but other people can't see that. What is a reasonable reaction from people? We are raised to say sir" and "ma'am", but now I'm afraid to. In a lot of service jobs, you get in trouble with the boss if you don't say sir of ma'am. What can those people do?
Rachelle LaRae the topic in question was not about forbidding to compliment each other at all. This was very specifically about the situation where someone misgenders & then makes everything worse by overcompensating, here: the doctor at first glance identified her as a man (came in the waiting room, but went out again &called saying 'where are you', upon the reply that Ashley's sitting in the room coming back with a 'hey pretty lady'. Since you said you're curious, you wanna watch the video again as you seem to have missed the point about stepping on someone's toes.
Also keep in mind that almost all statements that start with "I don't want to be rude" (or racist, or sexist, or transphobic, or you name it) are unfortunately exactly that.
I told my friend im trans and she missgenders me and if i say well its actually he/him she says but youre still a girl
@gec(gay emo cousin) thanks i told her and she sais she will
try but that shes not used to it
Ya fuck nice doctors. Doctor "How's it going" "stop following me"
I sexually identify as an attack helicopter
Lmfao
If that is honestly how you feel, if that is what makes you feel happy and whole then good for you. But if you are trying to be facetious and funny and invalidate other people's experiences, don't expect people who have actually been misgendered to have much patience or sympathy for your poor taste in humor.
Cameron McCoy oh fuck off cameron you wet wipe
cool, do you wish to transition?
best of luck! What are your preferred pronouns? he, she, they or it?
Did the doctor really say "hey pretty lady”?. Don’t you hate being called lady? People do it all the time. Most women ignore it otherwise it causes a fuss.
I would not give a fuck.
thank you, very informative :)
*clears throught* only 2. genders
What are you
Your fantasy world shouldnt take precedence to reality.
Yikes.
You do nothing, end of the video.
Don't let them drag you down into this insanity.
Gender Expression is what Ashley is talking about.
The answer is not give a fuck
Don't do anything. Go on about your business.
You are so strong and helpful
I think you should just ask for their name, or if they're a he or she if you're not sure, and just avoid this kind of shit in the first place.
Asking name can still lead to misgendering as there are unisex names that sound masc or fem even though they ain't
This woman’s so complicated 🤦♂️
You aren't regular people. And your hypersensitivity to shit like this illustrates why people will overcompensate and act weird around you.
Just kick them in the dicussy and move on.
Keep doing it this is what happens when you don't put people in this and asylum you get this crazy crap make them live in reality
Um no
Damn the comments rly do be filled w transphobes
Sadly yes :/