Grieving the End of a Relationship - Painful Attachment Trauma After Breakup
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- čas přidán 9. 09. 2016
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my CZcams channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Grieving the End of a Relationship - Painful Attachment Trauma After Breakup
In this video, I talk about how grief from endings can get exaggerated and/or hijacked by a pre-existing history of attachment trauma. It can magnify our pain and bring unresolved childhood grief to the surface.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Grieving the End of a Relationship - Painful Attachment Trauma After Breakup
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on CZcams. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on CZcams. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Simply the best.
🤧💛💛
Thank you I'm spending my last night in my home alone my wife initiated the divorce and it has crushed me this is the only thing that has taken my mind off it
Constant anxiety, fear, panic attacks that make me want to jump out of my own body and run as far away from myself as possible. Denial, bargaining, blaming myself for everything that went wrong in the relationship, thinking of scenarios in which it could still work out, wanting to reach out, refusing to believe that it's over. Lying awake at night to the point of not wanting to go to bed anymore, dreaming about her, waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to sleep again. Drinking and smoking to alleviate the stress. Constantly feeling tired. Not getting any work done. Spending all day watching CZcams videos about getting an ex back. Neglecting my own physical well-being, not eating or drinking enough, ordering junk food late at night, not being able to do simple chores because they all seem meaningless. Not being interested in any other topic than my ex. Hating myself for being this way.
Yup, looks like I'm not doing so well. That's my experience two weeks into the break-up. What's yours?
It is a very difficult road. Listen to these type videos Alan does and also try to get How to fix a broken heart by Guy Winch. If you can push through with no contact, it is definitely the best to help you move on.
I'm on my sixth time with this shit. First was at 20, I am now 49 and here we are again. It does help to know the reason why though. I never knew or realised I had an attachment trauma until looking for help and finding Alan. When the pain hits, I visualise the attachment trauma as an ugly black shape standing in the corner. It has masks on with the face of every person this happened to me with, each of their names are on a name tag. It reminds me that it was never really those people, it's the attachment trauma behind it. It depersonalises the whole thing and it stops being about "them". It helps for a few hours anyway. Then I delve back into the story and do all the thing you do. Best wishes to you.
I can relate I'm going through the exact same emotions its heartbreaking how are you now?
@@lisax2296 Hi Rachel, I'm now 7 weeks into the break-up and slowly improving since week 3 or 4... The panic attacks are gone, the anxiety is now more intermittant, I sleep a bit better and I'm being productive again. I'm still not the same guy I was before the break-up though, I still think about my ex many times per day, I miss her intensely and still want her back... But I've started dating again, since I'm slowly starting to feel ready to give other girls a chance...
My message to all of you: IT GETS BETTER. It's a slow process, and I'm still going through it, but time really helps. The crazy hormonal cocktail subsides eventually and this allows you to not be scared or depressed all the time anymore. Stay strong, hang in there, IT GETS BETTER.
Hope you are at a better place now x
Being rejected by a lover is excruciatingly painful; I remember these feelings well - after each relationship...even after 3-7 months, even. This last one - several years long was different. I was OK and knew it was a dead end. Now I can see that each of those rejections reminded me unconsciously of my unconscious memories of feeling emotionally rejected by my mother...who was unable to bond with her entire family. Life is hard for so many of us. Relationships typically will fail until we get the childhood story connected to this adult relationship. At least this was my experience. Best to everyone here. Remember rejection is very similar to abandonment.
Children's formative years is soooooo much more powerful to life than anyone will realise
You are so right! I’m reading you are the one you’ve been waiting for and it goes into this idea in detail.
Youre 100% correct. I need to remember this. I lost all of my family members at age 11. No wonder my body goes in overdrive. That wound goes into HUGE overdrive.
Maybe I need to just marry a psychologist
@@Brandi.Nicole me too :')
I agree, childhood trauma, who knew, til it’s caused us adult trauma.
What sucks is you can't really even talk to people about it. Either you go on for ages and it' s exhausting for the person or you tell them and they try to be supportive by saying things like oh that is really hard but you will find someone better eventually or you're better off without them. Even if that will be true one day that's not helpful rn. I lost the man I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with, it's been 5 months and some days I still feel like i can't breathe. But it just feels like you can't say that people.
Exactly no one wants to hear me talk about it the one best friend I have he's not even answering my calls anymore she's sick of me going for the same thing with every different guy
sometimes when I'm on the brink I call the Samaritans they do not give Direct advice by police they are a listening ear
I just broke up with the man I thought I would marry. He was my best friend. There are no words to describe the pain. I hope you are doing okay now.
God this is so true. Or if you don't have many family and friends
My stomach feels like it's on a constant huge knot.
Hi Leasah, I truly hope time has helped you heal so that whatever it is you have been through doesn't hurt so much. Love and hugs to you, we all need to be kind to each other in this life.
Mine too I have so much anxiety
I can relate
Me too..I feel it in my chest, heart and stomach. All day constantly this so painful
Mine too
You totally get me. I felt like I was going to die from the pain. Then at times I wanted to die. Not sleeping and not eating for days. I only ate enough to not pass out. I lost 5 pounds in a week. As I knew the relationship was ending, right before we were going to get a house together, I felt worse and worse each day. I wish I had seen these videos years ago and I would have saved myself a lot of grief and him as well. All I can do is say I am sorry to him and ask God to forgive me for choices and my behavior. I know that the trauma isn't my fault but as an adult I have to accept responsibility.
How are you today?
I had to go through something similar. It's been nearly 4 years. I still think of her frequently, but not nearly as much as I did, & most of the emotional element has gone out of it. Memory fades over time & my memories of her just became less clear. Once I found I had to work s little bit harder to remember certain things, I would just cut them off. All that time obsessing over her was for nothing, but it wasn't a choice, I just view as being sick with a mental illness I had to recover from.
This is how i am right now, it feels like no one gets it except maybe you know what i’m going through. What do i do
@@hollymadron how are you now?
Worse than when someone dies. You can mourn and grieve someone dying but it's actually harder to grieve someone still alive knowing they are out there and you can't be with them again. :'( fkn torture sheer torture. I'm a pin cushion
how are you feeling now?
This 👆🏼😭
this is how I am feeling
@@russellconstant1202 😭😭😭 same
@@anielkanazarena flipping killing me
I have CPTSD - got disorganised attachment as well. I'm apprehensive about opening up my heart to others but when it's safe and I do, I love completely. Doesn't matter how long I'm with the person - the rejection is triggering. It opens up all my old wounds. The grief is overblown. The heartache is excruciating. Anyone else who is the same - time heals all and cut the person out. You are 100% with or without anyone. ❤️Our need for love is to fill the void from childhood - but this love is something we can only give to ourselves.
And how do we give this to ourselves?
Everything was surreal while we were dating. I have been single most of my life. Being with him was a shock. Now I'm single again it's like I've gone back to normal and he was just a dream. I do get pain in my chest from sadness. So much regret.
Me too when you've been single for a long time and you finally meet someone and then it doesn't work out going back to that loneliness is horrible
The part for me is that he was my dream but I ended it. I had to. I love him and this is so hard.
@@OneWayDesigns I’m in the same boat. She was my everything, but the relationship did not treat me right.
Same boat too people.
Yup. That person was everything to me too and they showed themselves the door. It still hurts but life goes on.
"Now is not the time to do your taxes". Lol. Love it.
I actually just did my taxes while going through attachment abandonment (fiancee just left me) and it is hell! Lol!
I was never at ease a single day in my relationship, knew in my gut and my common sense it was a mismatch. And yet, after three not so hot years, it ended and I still feel pain. And yes, I’ve had the abandonment thing since forever.
Amazing isn’t it. You can live every day in a relationship knowing the mismatch is real, yet when it ends the desire to rekindle and willingly ignore those feelings is overwhelming. Through the rose-tinted glasses, almost like you must have just been overthinking or being overly harsh on your partner’s apparent lack of emotional availability. No… it’s just part of the grieving process. It simply had to end.
@@andyuxd oh my goodness, I'm just 20 going through my first heartbreak. Its been 3 days, I'm in bed , helpless... I cant even type much, but your comment really resonated with me. Thank you
@@PixieFan900 you’ll be ok my friend. I was convinced that “time” (which was apparently the healer) was not going to work on me. Indeed, it is not the only thing, but it is the one thing outside of your control. You have to surrender to it. Fill your time with things you used to love doing but probably haven’t the energy or desire to do because you’re feeling so low - DO THEM ANYWAY! The reason is tiny little short term bursts of directing your attention to other things reprograms your brain - it’s neuroplasticity at work. In other words, gradually stopping endless rumination by training your brain to stop repeating the thoughts that lead to low mood. It’s toxic and unhealthy. It’s also addictive and normal! You’ll never get the answers you want. I spent thousands on counselling, and (although I really recommend that!) in the end it was my relentless effort (those short bursts of time doing mundane things) that reprograms your brain through distraction. Slowly you’ll come out of the darkness - it takes many months, maybe a year or more like in my case (I had a 10 year relationship). Talk to friends and family but only do this at set times each day, otherwise you’ll stay stuck. I was once broken and there was no way forward, but I’m now coparenting with my ex (on civil terms) and interestingly am going on a 2nd date with a new person this afternoon!! 😊 You’ll be ok 🙏🏻
Look at trauma bonds
That comparison to the capillary action of the drop of water which connects to other drops and forms a stream of water on the windshield is very effective
My heart isn’t broken, he shattered my entire soul....
This absolutely describes where I was 3 years ago. Spot on.. a level 10 for sure. I wish I encountered this then, but I got through. I'm thankful that I know all this now and that I am working on my attachment injury from that occurrence and beyond. I'm also filled with gratitude that I am no longer there and that immediate space of shock and horror. I'm grateful to be able to share my experience with others to help them, to have learned so much about myself from the breakup that I had and the chance to heal, be different, to be healthier, to be free, to have choices from self-destructive behavior and thinking, for awareness, self love, and so much more. Love to all who are experiencing this pain now and my deepest empathy.
Hi. Your post is 7 years ago. How are you doing now. I wonder if you'll see this
Not many grief advice videos talk much about those first few days or weeks, and how traumatic it can be. So much of it is just platitudes. But you've described it so well, and your understanding and advice has been genuinely helpful. Thank you.
I think breaks up are much easier to handle when you are young. When you are nearly 43 and feeling old and crap then that's really shitty. I'd love to get married to a sane, normal man with a job he loves who can do D.I.Y I'd make a lovely wife.
Really? They always say it gets easier when you get older. Because by then, you will be more experienced in handling your emotions. I'm 27, and I been getting my heart broke back to back since I was 18 years old. Ex girlfreind left me back in February, and I'm still feeling pretty upset and the trauma still has not gotten any better.
@@HACKED787 Really? I dont ever see my brother (35yrs) ever sweat a break up. Or my dad who re-married 5 times. It's like I never see men mourn a breakup. They just get with other females. And that's exactly how I feel now. Now that I look back at all the breakups I had it makes me feel even worse. Like I just lived a pathetic life.
The way I see it is, they were never the person you thought they were. So how can you mourn the relationship you never actually had. Right? So fuck them, they don’t deserve you anyway.
You're absolutely right I was in a three-year relationship from the age of 16 to 19 and it only took him two weeks to get over him I still had the strength to go work I just cried through it and I did not care so much
now I'm 31 years old and breakups feel like they just want to make you suicidal
I'm 56 and yes, I do think that breakups are more difficult as we get older. When I was young, I told myself this hurts but there will always be somebody else. Nowadays it's a different world. The hookup culture has replaced dating. Nobody wants to be in a relationship anymore. Connecting to another person has been replaced by social media and dating apps. It's depressing for the older generations that remember what life was like before the internet. I'm not saying that the internet is all bad, but I do believe that it has damaged human relationships.
I think everything in life has a 'price', and in case of relationships, it's this horrible feeling when a meaningful one ends. I don't know about others but I came to the conclusion that it's not worth it for me anymore, I'd rather spend all my energy and time on improving myself, my finances, achieving my goals and maxing out my potential, without even seeking social validation from anyone. I just want to enjoy life, and that's the path I choose. It's a blissful, liberating feeling. (23 year old male)
Nobody wants to be in a relationship anymore. It's either hookups or you're single.
I felt this in my soul. Yes only real recognizes and appreciates real, and those people are few and far between now days. The good ones we get punished for trying to spread our light. I'm feeling the same way!!! Well wishes to you 🥰🤗🌅
I agree my friend. I was in a six-year relationship. The last couple of years were very difficult, as she refused to hold a meaningful job, and held onto her dreams in the entertainment industry. I broke things off at the end of the holidays. She moved out. I missed her immensely for two months. And we reconnected.
I really thought things were headed in the right direction, and I was so excited that we had both learned from our mistakes, and we’re ready to move on. I was ready to go to couples therapy, and we were planning on a long distance relationship, living an hour away, to continue the repairs.
But, in the last month, all of her heart and soul went out of things. There was no passion in her kisses. The sex stopped. Communication was less. She has now completely shut me out. I am heartbroken, but, know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have a great job, great kids, and great friends to help me get through things. I know I’ll get through the other side ok. I just need to get over the feeling of being used. It’s a first for me. Thanks for this video.
Not the same at 36
I feel the same way but I am 63. I'm going to focus on getting and staying healthy, completing goals, and just trying to find joy in little things. What makes it hard is I am the only single one in my entire family and everyone has someone at family gatherings except me
Thank you so much Alan. I am hurting so bad I want to throw up. You are an amazing CZcams friend. God is using you in my life, you have an uncanny sense of timing in my life. You always seem to post exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it.
No matter what I do, my grief of loss of relationship and loss of my first love is crushing excerbated by a life time of abandonment and rejection, everything you said i very very true for me. Thank you for your time, care, expertise and consideration, I needed this word.
Be well.
Ken Wolfson Take care of yourself Ken... I hear your pain and relate.. so very much. my relationship will be ending yet again pretty soon ..I know I have to do that... the pain is crushing..
How are you doing now?
This response is so old. I hope you feel better today.
He’s wonderful!
Ken Wolfso
I felt and got every single word from this video Alan. After 47 years (since a baby) of rejection to have my 11 year marriage end and him just walk away (He is a fearful avoidant) like it meant nothing is causing such real, incredible pain. I put everything in over and over again. I wasn't even getting my needs met, not even basically but still I hoped for that change and yes since breakup I have bounced back with the "has he changed? will it be different this time" and of course I am left in floods of tears, backwards again. So now I have gone no contact. Cut every link. I have to. I am a big fan of your videos, helping me get through. My heart and prayers go out too for every single person watching this video too that is hurting like hell. This too will pass I keep telling myself.
It was so hard to hear you say "It's OVER". But, now I realize I have to keep telling that to myself so I can move past denial. I am writing a note that says "It's OVER" and putting it somewhere I keep seeing it. Thank you.
Good idea
how are you feeling now?
Yes, I felt a sting in my heart when he said it too.
I was in a pretty bad relationship. I loved my partner to death. Whenever they hurt me, I just internalized it and didn't want to hurt them ever in the same way. I treated them delicately. I truly loved them. 6 years passed and some days I was in agony but I lived with it because I loved this person so much. They were selfish. I knew that for a while. I would constantly think about his feelings. The problem was, he would too. His feelings were the only ones being thought about. Mine were disregarded by both myself and him. One day he pushed me so far. He kept attacking me. He kept calling me hurtful things and saying hurtful things (more than usual). And I just wanted to be alone that day to think. I told him the truth after his tirade. just one sentence. He dumped me days later. Because I hurt HIS feelings by saying he was a neglectful and abusive person. My feelings never mattered. After 6 years, this is how it sunk. It hurts to detach. Even when he hurt me, I still loved him. Even now, it hurts.
This video is helping however. I'm going through this abandonment anxiety, but he is not. I guess I really know now that I was the one truly invested.
Amen. It is so hard to stop loving someone, even when you know that they don't love you.
Same thing for me for 7 years. Its better to be alone than to be putting 100 percent for someone who doesnt for you
You just described my relationship exactly. Strange to see it in words. I get it, what you went thru. I’m just getting out of a relationship just like it.
Mine is exactly the same story, it's ended last night when I confronted him, in return I was terribly abused verbally it was frightening. I'm not having the conversation I've blocked his phone number
@@JD-jz8vl I understand your pain. im sure you're feeling a mix of emotions right now. But know you'll be so much happier without him around. It may take a bit of time to heal and adjust, but life feels so much better without that toxicity around.
I wish you the absolute best
I’ve watched hundreds of videos in the last 2 weeks since the break up and not one has resonated with me as much as this one. My father - who was my best friend in life - left my family when I was 11 years old. Subsequently my mom went into a state of depression for several years and left me essentially alone to rear myself. I’m almost 40 years old and I’m still single from being in unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship... not understanding why I’m drawn to those who will abandon me- yet it’s what I fear the most. Something about this last relationship that has really sent me in a tailspin.
Thank you for saying the words I couldn’t say- letting me know how I’m feeling isn’t wrong- but normal. I can’t express how much this video has meant. Thank you.
So very relatable.. my mom left suddenly when I was 11, and my dad turned to meeting someone new, and consumed his life with his new love. I was alone from age 11 onwards. I never had a curfew. Noone to ask about homework or sports. I'm 33, I've lived alone now for 2 years after my daughters mother left me suddenly one day. What else is new. I'd give anything for a true commitment with someone
I hear ya. I’m 44 and just not doing it again
Wow. I was 11 too when i felt totally abandoned by my family. There is something so comforting to read about you both having felt very similar. I am 30 now and everybody tells me i am so strong and i have everything in me that i need. But i can't get these years back. My family never had my back. Every single time there is a big change i am reminded that i just don't feel safe.
its like you know me in person.
Your words about what im being through are legit without even knowing me..
leaving someone is like torture for me. one of my worst fears is being left, so leaving someone else is unbearable for me, even if the guy is dangerous. when you know the deep wound of abandonment, you don't want anyone you care about to go through it either. when i tell myself i'm going to go through with the break up with him, i have a major panic attacks i run ti the bathroom and i am literally sick,. i actual feel like leaving him is going to kill me! how can you live with yourself knowing you hurt someone so deeply?.i don't want anyone else to feel the pain of feeling abandoned. i hope this makes sense. thank you for your advice.
High Tides M & R Forever 2themoon&back this is from a year ago.. wt happened? Im there now!
I chose to leave my partner because he was dragging me to bad life and he didnt know how to protect the one he loves from his harm and from his family harm too
I really didnt have an option with him and I loved him more than anything in this life but I knew that I'll put my feet in real hell if I continued to marriage life with him
I'm still griefing because I know he is not good for me but we can't choose who to love and I still love him alot but there is no chance for us to be together again I know it through the passed 3 years I spent with him .. in the end its really reached very ugly and bad level I couldn't handle it anymore so I decided to walk away
We separated 5 months ago but I feel I'm literally dead and without hope for anything because I wanted to be with him more than anything in this life
But he didnt leave an option for me except leaving him
I hope life will show mercy on me leaving decision was never easy for me but I know it was the best for me the worse could've happened if I continued in such wrong relationship
I am the same. I finally had to call the police in a non threatening way because he would not leave and I knew it needed to end. He has had a lot of pain and I didnt want to hurt him any more even though I was dying inside. Sending love!
Makes perfect sense
Yes . I can absolutely relate with it ..
I just found out 2 days ago that my husband wants a divorce. It knocked the wind out of me. Listening to videos like this one helps to validate my feelings, and I find it soothing.
My husband moved 1/2 the money out our joint account the same day he hired a lawyer and filed for divorce. Without a word. He moved out October 15 a week after his birthday and has been living with his new “gf”. Cut off ALL communication after 19 years together. I was unexpectedly served on December 17. I went into major flight/fight and had a panic attack. This video helped explain what I’ve been experiencing daily since.
Yes, those mindful or mindless moments can sneak up on you and you find yourself in moments of comfort back into your being. You will be ok eventually. The relationship with ourself is the most precious. Letting go of the story, and our fantasy future life we construct. This is a big opportunity to heal the unresolved child abandonment. Be there with yourself. You are not alone. Self-validate not invalidate. Self care with a hot shower, fresh linen, nice meal and distracting movie. Love yourself back to stable xx
4 months on and i’m still dying inside 😔
how are you now 😭 im a month into my first breakup and i’m scared my grief is going to last the next 2 years.
Thank you Alan.....although the love was an illusion because he made out to be something he is not......I still have to grieve the illusion. Thanks again
Same
Same here, this has happened twice to me now
@@Rebecca-vt7rp it's ever so painful
Exactly 6 years down the drain of my life and now he's just fine while I'm an absolute disaster
Thank you for giving permission to acknowledge my pain.
I didn't end it. He just disappeared. I'm everything you said and more. The pain won't go away.
I HearYou🙏 and relate 🙏💖
The same with me he disappeared as well!!! so painful all the memories we had together
How are u doing today?
The same thing happened to me. She just disappeared. How are you feeling now?
Its been over 3 years since she left and im still in this same place. Every day its been a struggle and it just gets worse as time goes on.
MetroidHatchling Shit, my friend. You have to get help. That is brutal!
Thank you so much! Words cannot describe how a break-up can feel to someone that is so attached to another person. It truly feels like somebody died. I really do appreciate all your videos and how honestly you describe the process. Thank you!
Thank you Alan, your compassionate and empathetic spirit is so soothing. After watching these video I feel stronger accepting myself where I am at in my process of grief
Thank you for watching, and I'm glad that this resonated with you.
Grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yeah... that's me: run over by a car, bus and train and an elephant is sitting on my chest...
D D hey D D that’s me now, I’ve just been dumped after a ten year rele to someone I adored beyond belief. I’m beside myself. I’m sure if there’s a hell this is what it is. How you feeling now a year later?
AsSeenOnTV please tell me you’re not being serious
Do you feel better after a year has past DD??
@@airindiana No, he's just insulting someone who is suffering. She posts regularly on her channel.
That describes me perfectly right now. I hope by the time someone reads this. I'll be completely healed from this bullshit.
I love this guy, he is awesome.
I wish I was the hyper focused individual. I'm finding it difficult to complete the smallest tasks.
I had several years of mindfulness practice & meditation until I crushed totally. In hindsight I wonder even I was not able to meditate anymore until today, if the mindfullness skills kept me going. What Allen described reminded me strongly of what I did in my most crushed time, like: okay, I do my breakfast, what am I going to do tonight, life is change - so this will change as well... And so on. Really from day to day living. It was still really hard.
Me too
I've been sitting in my car for hours I can't do anything so painful when I keep reminiscing about all the movies we watched together and all the things we did
The knife of grief has pierced me. Its been a week and I'm struggling just to do simple things
How are u now x
Same here 💔
I watched this 6 months ago after I broke up with my boyfriend. I watched it a few times, and took the advice. I would add pre-washed spinach greens to my soup. I kept thinking about Alan's words of wisdom. I didn't do my taxes. I waited. Well, needless to say my ex and I started talking again. (Long distance) I've broken up with him again yesterday, and this time it is more definite and final. I am back to square 1, and it's just bloody awful. I know I have attachment injuries/trauma of some sort. Also, it's true...the raindrop analogy. With this grief it's bringing up other loss/grief issues very much so - especially around my health and also aging. It is very tough. Indeed, I feel like a "normal person" would be like: "Ok, you tried, cut your losses...sad... (5 or 6)"... but, I'm definitely closer to a 10. Today I really felt that I could barely function in practical ways, so it was helpful to hear Alan's advice...yet again. There is also grief for me just not knowing how to do relationships as well as I would like to. Thank you, Alan. I'm so glad this video is still available. I may need to watch it again tomorrow.
The reason I created the membership community because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
100 days later and I'm still there. The solar plexus thing is so accurate.
Are you still there? Does it get better?
@@jackwednesday gets slot worse before it gets better
Havent slept or ate in days. I get up from bed and start drinking at 5am to dull myself. I wasnt good enough to save my marriage, and despite my best efforts, it wasnt enough. Literally just trying to get through the next 24 hours day by day
Thank you, every time a relationship ends for me it feels like I have left an abusive relationship even though it hasn’t been! That’s what my body feels inside ❤️ your videos are very much needed xx
Empathy to you. I hear you. Glad the videos are helpful. Thanks for valuing my effort.
"I am a mess"... saying it was so liberating... thank you so much....
I’ve had a number of therapists, read books, watched video after video but nothing and no one has made more sense than you my friend!!! You are a wonderful gift to the world in my humble opinion 🙏🏻❤️namaste❤️🙏🏻
Eiran, thank you for your kind response. Please consider joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for writing down what I am thinking too. @eiran
Everytime I go through any type of romantic Breakup. This process happens to me. And I'm right back to this video. Every single break up from someone I loved. Weather it was a short relationship like 2 months. Or a long relationship like 2 years. I feel this pain. God help me
poweroftheL I am the same way. Even lose contacts of sometimes a few weeks. But NOW I have lost what I thought was the love of my life, my soul mate, after 4,5 years, and I am in sheer hell. He broke up with me after we had gotten in some type of anxious avoidant trap and we were both hurting each other. But now I am hurting even more and all I want is him back
@@GMH9765 sorry to hear this how are you feeling now? I'm also going for a similar situation again!!
This is what I'm experiencing now, the worst process I've ever experienced. My heart goes out to all who are suffering this end along with me. This pain seems almost unbearable...
I have been spinning out of control for 3 years in this relationship.... I fought my intuition.... I'm dumped again... for the 10 time... still spinning 😢
Me too. I've broken up with him so many times I bet you could predict my behaviour probably saying to himself she'll be back to give her sometime I feel so silly and so stupid breaking up getting back together breaking up getting back together it's horrible
Feel the pain. Feel it unmovingly, unconditionally. Instead of trying to get rid of it, bring it closer. Let it get worse. This is the path to freedom. Either that or continue being enslaved. You may want to read Michael Singer's article "pain the price of freedom"
Who is in charge? You or the pain?
Thank you Alan! My panic attack stopped while I was watching this video.
Drop the story and drop into the feelings. This is my new mantra ❤️🙏🏻
Yes I think the story just makes it worse for us
The imagery of the knife in the goat spoke to me because, when the grief comes blazing, I have scream-cried like an animal being slaughtered. I literally howl with the pain of it. It’s been eight months since he ended us and I’m now moving up to standard sobbing and misery, so there’s that. Progress not perfection, I guess. I’m diving headfirst into my childhood attachment issues, the loneliness, rejection, sadness, and anxiety. I’m tired of going through this.
Same
I relate fully. Thank you🙏
It's been a month of no contact and it feels worse these few days
gwen joplin hang in there it takes a little more than that to be able to get through over the hump... and I will have to remember this soon because I was over the hump and getting better and then I went back... I've been back for almost a year but it is not right and as soon as I get the guts up again and the ability to get past the fear I will be done. sometimes we just have to jump into the chasm and allow it to surround us. it will get better. Find yourself.
i took have had contact.. but i have put strong boundries down and am getting better at telling him no and i dont want to see him still hurts for some reason..
Same
How are you now?
How are u
It’s been over 3 months since she completely wrote me out of her life and the pain is still so unbearable. I’m not holding onto hope of things working out anymore at all. But the void that this split left in my life is undeniable. Thank you for your advice. One second at a time is how things sometimes have to be.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can tell how painful and overwhelmed you feel. These strong feelings can be difficult to navigate sometimes. Empathy to you.
Grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Who else immediately made a cup of tea after watching this video?
I lost almost 6 months of delaying my healing process by holding onto hope and waiting on my ex to change his mind, trying to persuade him into not giving up on us.
PLEASE DON'T DO IT
God knows if i had let him be i would be in a better place today regardless of him coming back or not without compromising my dignity and mental health over someone whos totally ok with losing me, having attachment trauma and being in a long term relationship and having a child with him i refused to accept things
I'm in terrible pain this long later and i made it worse by being rejected multiple times by my ex
Even if it feels like a stab in the heart and it hurts terribly DONT BEG OR PLEAD don't do what I did. Cry your eyes out, surround yourself with people who are there for you unconditionally. Do a little self care and in time get involved in pursing your goals and hobbies. That's what I'll focus on from now on. Have no choice but to focus on myself and so do you. Sending my love❤
Thank you so much for this Alan Robarge for this!
For 18 years ago, for the frst time I really let myself to get involved. The person was clearly undependable which I was totally blind to. It turned out, he was having fun, fooling women, one after another. The point is that I think that perhaps, sooner or later, one has to reenact the broken, abusive 'bondage' one possibly had at least with one parent. I had the breakdown relatively late. The breakdown was so deep in my cells, it did some permanent damage which affected my physical health. Only years after have I understood how abusive my relationship with my parent has been, always, and still is. Now, I have healed a long way. My sense of reality in relationships is no longer distorted. This is life.
You are the most accurate person ever. Your delivery of these truths, you are the best
Thank you so much Alan, I really really needed this tonight. Thank you
This is scary at how accurate he just described how I’ve been feeling for the past 4 months. Almost exactly. I just couldn’t put the pain emotionally and physically into words like he has. I’m absolutely dumbfounded.
Are you better ?
How do you feel now
This is very lovely Alan , thankyou for the kind way you educate .
Thank you...just when I lost all hope to making it through this....I just happened across your video. What a gift.
As someone who has been on the hamster wheel for about three months, this is so true and can be so difficult, yet necessary. I think of what's happened like a tree ... a huge branch was cut off and it takes time for the sprouts of a new existence to start growing in the place of what was before. I don't think it happens gradually either, one day you just surprisingly notice you've shifted and aren't hurting as much. But it's a long wait for the old neural pathways to decay. Baby steps in the meantime ... Very difficult
Empathy to you.
This is so spot on! This helps so much to know what's going on. At almost forty I'm going through my first heartbreak. I thought I was going crazy.
Exactly how I feel. Even worse because it's an on/off relationship so I get these feeling once a month only for it to be reversed by us making up. It's exhausting me I have nightmares every night and I literally want to throw up that's how bad it is.
C Chan omg yesssss me too. it is horrible. self-imposed prisons that we have created.
Yes, I did this too. For many years. I was losing my mind. I only felt relief when we were back together but then I kept asking myself why I was still with him when I wasn't truly happy. I know now I have this emotional attachment trauma and my neediness was very prevalent throughout the relationships. UGH!
I feel your pain when it's on and off it's even more awful for us with this anxious attachment mine has been on and off as well and it's really bad because we have to suffer with this over and over again
@@HisaLight2mypath On/off is shitty, I agree. I did this for ages. But my on/off STOP was crushing against a WALL, not comparable. In my on/off times I never felt like that. I think I went on with on/off for 20 years bc something in me knew I couldn't take the pain being alone with all these trauma off fucked up relating, unavailable ppl and a highly disfunctional family. I am still grieving, but just thinking about on/off shit makes me throw up.
"Focus on... giving up." Hot tears welled up in my eyes and streamed down my face.. because I recognized this as what I must do now.
Thank you...
Roxanne, thank you for such an open reflection. I'm glad to hear this video was moving. Thank you for that feedback. We talk more about grieving as healing in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan's videos are the best videos on relationships by far. I love the focus on self development and sense of self. Everything he says is so spot on. He really gets how it feels and articulates it so well. Thank you Alan!! I feel understood.
OMG I thought I was going crazy. Thank you for this.
Same
I watched many videos after the trauma of my breakup and this was the best. Thank you so much Alan Robarge. You REALLY understand the pain.
You have been the only person so far that actually explains this perfectly and really helped me cope just now. Will definitely be listening to this during my grieving process. Thank you!
Thank you so much for these wise words Alan. This is exactly what I've been going through these last 5 weeks and it is unbelievably painful. All the pain of the past and the present rolled into a giant snowball coming right at me. You have helped me to slow down and work on taking care of me right now. It is a lonely painful process but I have done this before and know I will survive again!
MsSeniah I like your comment it's helpful. im going through it again . But I should remember this isn't the first time
Thank You! This video has helped me in this moment of panic I am having. I appreciate you making yourself available to people like me.
This man is the only one I've found who hits my nail right on the head..I love his truth!much love for your teaching and willingness to help others!your words have had a huge grounding affect on my life..thank you Sir!❤️
Thank you 🙏 for putting Into words the horrible pain of a heartbreak . I cried through the entire video because I felt acknowledged . It means so much to have someone validate the struggles and pain . I feel so judged and misunderstood. It’s so hard to explain what all this feels to others when they see it as simple as moving on . It does feel like I’m dying inside. I will try everything you said so I can make it through my day . I noticed your last video was a year ago . I really hope you come back on . You are a jewel.
I fully relate. Thank you Luna🙏
Thank you for this video.
After watching this video I was depressed but decided to reach out to a family member because your words about looking for support from friends. I went to the ER was on 51/50 hold and went inpatient for three days. Because of this I realized it was my meds making me depressed, but I still have the attachment problems while there I learned very basic stuff in DBT and radical acceptance and now I'm working on healing and fixing myself so that my past no longer holds me and I can practice radical acceptance. Thank you, I love all your videos and how you explain things in a way that not only makes sense but describes very well what it feels like and then for the most part explains why it does and validates how I'm feeling is normal and that I'm not alone. No one is, I'm glad I decided to watch this video when I got the notification it changed my life (:
Thank you Alan for this most amazing and relevant video which is helpful for all kinds of losses. I only just found your videos and even though it had been several years since I went through this devastating loss, your words are helpful today because you are describing feelings that pop up over time, even today, that create panic, as well as the events of the immediate trauma. Your advice and suggestions are really sound and from my experience do help, and time is a great healer.
EVERY WORD....hits so hard. It's exactly my life description.
You just explained exactly how I feel and named it for me... you have become the support I need! Thank you very much for being there! For being here for us and explaining what is happening! It’s less of a shock when I learn that what I’m going through is not as bizarre or alien as I feel it is!
The way u described grief when experienced against the backdrop of attachment trauma .is truly incredible . the detail in which u delve into the feelings, care with which u choose ur words and really come down to meet a person in their grief is a level of compassion and expertise that i am truly grateful to for .thanku .noone has ever explained this to me quiet so well .its literally like a godsent angel.
This is the best video I have seen in the past 2 months after a breakup. Each day still feels like the first day, and the explained everything so well. And now I am learning to tell myself that it’s not business as usual, and I do need to slow down and just focus on taking care of the absolute basics. I was trying to do what everybody else recommends, starting new hobbies, going on trips, spending time with friends, and that pushed my even further into physical and emotional exhaustion. Thank you so much for this!
It's incredibly validating to hear you articulate so perfectly how horrific the initial trauma of the death of a relationship in life can be. Your voice is so calming, as well. Thank you for sharing these.
torycorbin, I am glad this material resonates with you. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Excellent and exactly what is going on when people with attachment trauma go through loss. This is where I was. It was never to be and ....I was hurting.
I've recieved so much comfort and affirmation from your videos. When I'm lonely and down, feeling isolated I tune in and am encouraged.
Thank you so much for this video Alan. I'm currently in that moment of excruciating pain, overwhelmed with sadness. To hear that this is normal for us with attachment trauma, it is incredibly validating. It's hard to have conversations like this with people who have not dealt with loss the way we have. It does make me feel better, even if it's just for a bit, that this pain is justified.
Thanks for letting me know this video was helpful. Empathy to you. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
It’s been over a year now and I am still having dreams of the good times in my life with my ex. I am afraid to go to sleep because I know I will dream of him and have such feelings of loss. When he discarded me it was when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It was a brutal discard but 8 months later I am still having dreams of him that are all loving and kind to which I wake up confused. In the first half hour I am feeling such a crushing loss. Once I am awake I am able to see the relationship for what it was, abusive. Your videos are so on point. Grief is hard and last longer when the attachment disorder is not addressed. It is so helpful to understand my wounds from childhood are making this loss disproportionately traumatic. Friends and family just repeat over and over to just get over it so I have no one who understands to share with. These videos are helping so much. I am showing myself some self love and trying to stop the reliving of the trauma of abandonment. I have learned journaling has been most helpful because I could look at these experiences over time and see my own progress.
Cindy Big hugs for you. I feel your story. Thank you
Thank you so much for this. It has helped so much. Love your channel
Your wisdom, articulations and vocabulary is absolute genius. Thank you 🙏 ❤️
I love your videos and that you let us know this is normal. It’s so helpful. The pain is so intense and the grief feels so suffocating.
Thank you for watching and for your kind words. I'm glad that my videos help you; it's important for us to know that our experiences are valid and we're not alone in our emotions - no matter how intense or suffocating they are.
If you're not familiar already, grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is my life right now!! This video helps me alot!! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you ❣❣❣💔
Thank u so much Alan! I didn't realize it was so bad! .. now I realize what I have been going thru for 30 years! I hope I can heal & someday have a healthy rel'ship. Bless you for your work! You are a Godsend!
Thank you so much for making these
First 10 seconds and already completely on point. Dying here
A recent relationship rejection has left me devastated and I could not figure out how this came about - my last rejection 8 years prior seemed a relief! Now I see myself going through adrenaline rushes and extreme exhaustion; my productivity at work has drastically suffered, with persistent back-and chest-pain... and I was wondering why. This video has really helped me to soothe and understand what I am going through. I am also relieved by the thought that this is normal and that now that I see what’s happening is a positive indication that I have greater awareness than during previous rejections. I am also proud of myself that I got some good things on my own (e.g. burning scented candles) as I investigate my emotions.
Thankfullness and Blessings!!! Gratefull for your words of wisdom!!! :)))
This is amazing video over and over again. Thank you Alan. Amazing.
Thank you so much Alan. I went through a traumatic breakup back in June (as well as a decade ago) and I never knew how to deal with it outside of obsessing for months and months and months. Listening to this now has been so helpful in terms of helping me process what was happening and what it looked like from an outsiders self perspective. Thank you. I’m going to post this on the r/breakups subreddit today and often enough going forward. Thank you
You're welcome and thank you for the supportive comment Spencer. I am glad to hear that this video was helpful to you. Thank you for sharing it. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.
I really appreciate your honesty in these videos and how relatable this is....Deep down we really do know that its over....But human instinct goes into "I have to fix it".
Yes, I totally get that need to "fix it" and it makes sense especially when our attachment needs are threatened even if we know deep down the relationship isn't working. Thank you for appreciating my work. I'm glad to hear that it resonates for you. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again.
This has been one of the most helpful videos I have ever seen. Breaking everything down and studying the tiniest details helped incredibly I can't even explain it. When you feel that sickening pit in your stomach and chest. Feeling the blanket on your skin. The light pressure touching you. The coolness or warmness of your blanket. This was been the best coping tool I have found so far.
Lauren, thank you for the supportive comment. Empathy to you. It sounds like you had quite a visceral response. This healing stems deep and can be so layered. I'm glad to hear you received benefit from watching this video and that you are finding self-soothing tools that help.
Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further.
It also helps to be working on this healing among others going through similar things, which is one of the reasons why I created the community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. Click on the links to learn more:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Not fire for me. Drowning in the waters. Pulled under by the waves.
This helped, even a few months after a break up and into the divorce process. Today was thanksgiving and the grief hit me hard. Thank you.
Empathy to you. Many can relate with having a hard time with the holidays. Glad this video was helpful for you. Thanks for commenting. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
This video was life changing. I'm so glad it was 30 minutes. Because the second it was over, a lot of my anxiety rushed right back. I'm going to return to this every day or so to come back to reality. You're a really special person Mr. (or Dr, i don't know your level of education) Robarge. Thank you for saving me tonight.
Thank you for watching, Michael. I appreciate your kind words and that you value my work.
Grief is a difficult thing for us to feel, and it's something we discuss in-depth in my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for making this video.