088 How to Identify a Healthy Relationship with Dr. Lindsay Gibson, PsyD.
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- čas přidán 14. 10. 2020
- TITLE
How to Identify a Healthy Relationship
GUEST
Lindsay Gibson, PsyD.
EPISODE OVERVIEW
Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents describes healthy relationships look like, and she identifies characteristics of a person who is capable of having a healthy relationship. She talks about what to look for at the beginning of a relationship. She also talks about deal breakers and red flags, and why people who had unhappy childhoods tend to get involved with difficult partners. She explains why it can be hard to end a relationship that isn’t working.
HIGHLIGHTS
Emotional Immaturity-These people respond like young children or adolescents. They lack empathy and are not able to see things from another’s point of view. They lack the ability to self-regulate and they are NOT self-reflective. They have a strong sense of self, but not of others. There may be attachment injuries, and a secure attachment is essential to develop a healthy sense of self. What are the elements of a healthy relationship? The relationship supports and builds the energy and individuality of each person One has the ability to be empathic-you can imagine your internal experience and the internal experience of the other One is interested in their partner, their well-being, they enjoy their partner’s success and are supportive One is willing to learn One keeps it interesting What are some personality characteristics of a person who is capable of a healthy relationship? One is sensitive and can tune in to the other person One’s personality is complex enough to support individuality (the partner doesn’t have to think, believe, act, do things exactly like the other person to make them feel secure) One automatically takes the other person into account One is able to take turns with problem-solving, compromise One is creative and resilient One knows their own needs and preference and can voice them One can tolerate conflict One can be vulnerable One can manage having competing needs Mature coping mechanisms like humor, or asking for support Why are some people aware of their unhappy childhoods, yet they find themselves involved with difficult people in their adult relationships? HSPs have great insight and great memories HSPs are altruistic and function at a high level If a person doesn’t do the emotional work to heal from childhood, they recognize the patterns, but continue to engage in relationships/patterns that don’t work You must have the emotional experience of what happened to you in childhood When one hasn’t done the emotional work, one doesn’t have the gut feeling or instinct that informs one that this isn’t healthy What signs should a person look for at the beginning of a relationship in order to assess its potential for becoming a healthy relationship? One feels fully seen One is even tempered One is able to own and accept their mistakes One has the ability to apologize and make amends One has the capacity to receive One is enjoyable, playful, has a sense of humor There is a realistic and reliable foundation One can work with reality and they try and understand what’s going on One can think and feel at the same time (one’s brain doesn’t get hijacked with emotion) One can be reasoned with One is respectful of boundaries-if you set a boundary, one might be curious about it (but not defensive or try and push the boundary) One doesn’t psychoanalyze or label or call names (sensitive, overreacting, emotional, unreliable, etc.) One can talk from a feeling place One won’t tell you how you should be feelings One can wait and be patient One can handle stress well (if you see impatience and irritability in the beginning BEWARE!) What are the biggest red flags that indicate that you might be getting involved with an Emotionally Immature Person? You feel like you can’t completely be yourself Not opening up, not completely at ease, watching yourself Your thoughts are scrambled You don’t think as clearly or concisely The person has a history of conflictual relationships, and tends to see themselves as a victim or a rescuer What are deal breakers in any close relationship? If you’re doing a lot of the work, and you can’t communicate your feelings, and you don’t feel safe or confident with the other person The other person is constantly telling you that you’re the problem Why is it difficult to end a difficult relationship? We bond with others for a sense of survival. It’s familiar and there is emotional intensity (this isn’t necessarily a positive attribute) The more emotional stimulation (even if it’s negative-fighting, abuse), the tighter the bonding GUEST BIO
Lindsay Gibson, PsyD. has been a licensed clinical psychologist for over thirty years and specializes in individual adult psychotherapy with adult children of emotionally immature parents. She is the author of three books. Her...
How people behave when they are driving has proven to be very revelatory in my experience…almost diagnostic
49:40- 54:20 Red flags you're entering into an emotionally immature relationship:
1. Feel like you can't be yourself fully with them.
2. You get scrambled thoughts.
3. Have a history of conflictual relationships.
42:33-48:31
Realistic, reliable, work with reality, try to understand what's really going, not reactive, think and feel at same time, can be intellectual without loosing sight of feelings, reason with them even when they're upset, respectful of boundaries, don't psychoanalyze you, tell you what you should be feeling, patient, capacity to receive (get feeling you've done enough), enjoyable, playful, sense of humor, even-tempered, ability to apologize, ability to make you feel seen and understood, own their behavior
Minute 1:04:40 - You should do an entire podcast on this. My daughter is of dating age and an online gamer, so this is extremely relevant to us. She has had some 'romantic' relationships online and has asked me multiple times how to know if a person is healthy. This is all new territory for me, since I grew up before the internet. Any guidance here is super helpful.
Minute 34:00 - 36:00 - Holy Cow, Dr, G! You just described my life.
Minute 1:04:00 - You just described my daughter's relationship with her step-mom. My ex would always argue that they were bonded, my daughter would go to the step-mom for comfort so how could there be abuse? This explains it perfectly. The step-mom was abusive but would also be kind at times, creating a trauma bond with my daughter that her emotionally immature dad would take as proof there was no problem.
Minute 38:00 - Now you just described my ex-husband and his new wife, how they treated my daughter. They actually said those things out loud to her. You are not as important as us, we are the adults and we matter, not you. That is why I have full custody now, and she will have to work through those feelings in therapy for quite a while.
I really relate to what's being said at 33:00. I've being doing EMDR therapy to help me resolve some trauma. It's been interesting in certain memories where I have to "find" my emotion because I have suppressed it. This is a very comforting and enlightening episode.
That's right, I was told to be nicer to my spouse by a therapist. Really? No, I'm not a pretzel, I took a stand in many aspects of my life .
I appreciate Patricia giving us a look inside her feelings, experiences x relationships. The BEST teachers always do this & these are the lessons that stay with one forever❤❤❤
This conversation is so healing and eye-opening for me. Thank you so much for this!
Thank you so much for this interview. It's really been a revelation. Particularly the conversation about red flags in a relationship (around 51:30 minutes into the interview). I've noticed for some time now this inability to think clearly with people that are emotionally immature and lacking in empathy. I couldn't figure out why this was happening and it made me question my own intelligence. What a relief to know that it's a normal response to people that are just not interested in what you can bring to a relationship. Such an amazing insight. Thank you again to Lindsay and Patricia.
❤
Minute 40:00 - And now, Patricia, you just described my therapy! The messy part is the worst and best part.
I am reading your book in Englisch, but it s hard for me because it s not my native language. Is your intention to translate them in Dutch ?❤I hope so!! They are my live line!
Thank you so much for this great interview! It is so helpful as a guideline to self reflexion. Dr Lidsay talks in a really reflected way ... it is really a joy to listen how detailed she replies to the reporters question. Thank you so much for having organised this interview and shared it for free on CZcams! Thanks for your effort!
You’re so welcome! I’m glad it was helpful! I love interviewing Dr. Gibson!
45:00 can we still be mindful of those who are recovering from ACEs and recognize there’s some behavioral overlap and we shouldn’t be quick “to judge others” but we’re trying to separate the wheat from the chaff and discern healthy patterns overall. Recognizing that some people have a lot to overcome and are definitely trying to fit in and “pass” as normal but have flare ups or triggers now hardwired in. That some are trying to figure out who they are as fully grown adults. Whereas the chaff (who still deserve the same respect even though they’re behaving in hurtful manners), are NOT trying to “do better” and instead operate like parasites unconsciously.
Super important distinction.
And the laughter ladies comes off painfully at times. This is a serious topic and lives have been ruined.
Not to make you feel uncomfortable or that you should be afraid to speak up - it’s just that there’s so much subtlety and nuance that goes unaddressed and the explanation falls on the shoulders of those already injured. There really are 2 camps. It’s black and white. But the overlapping grey areas are head swimmingly numerous!
This podcast seems to really be taking on the task. I hope my message makes sense and isn’t too edgy. ❤
Well said
Oh my gosh!!! I have a book of hers!!! I’ve had it for a few years and have been on an Emotional Freedom Healing Journey while seeing a wonderful therapist😊 I actually did a review on Amazon recently on the book... Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents... it is more of a workbook/survival guide for me🤎 I’m so happy to have stumbled on your channel😊 our universe is very much on my side lately lolll ✌🏼🤎😊
Minute 17:00 - YES. This is exactly why I got married. And why I divorced.
Lindsey is amazing
Thank you for what you do.
This was really really awesome Patricia!
I learnt a lot and it will definitely help me to deal with my EI mother.
THANK YOU 😊
5:15 skip intro
Thank you for this all including the book referral: the primal wound.
Great information!
Lindsay, you're hair looks pretty.
Love Terrie
Never in my life, even after 4 therapists who I went to for years, have I heard these things explained in ways I have grappled with. I have said for so long my worst fear is “the void” the untethered floating through the universe alone. Wow/ someone else feels that way. At 51 years old, I’m realizing my mother is and was immature. Maybe worse? I am trying to get back into therapy and I’m really having a hard time even finding one that takes clients. I know there is online therapy but I thought relational (in person) would be better. Could someone out there recommend something? I hear about a lot of good therapies but can’t find them. I’m in Seattle. My mom
Is 91 and at a hospice care in facility. She is not even allowed to have male staff in her room alone because of how inappropriate she is-which really validated how inappropriate she was with me. Please help. I’m having dreams now that I’m talking to therapist and I wake up sweating and crying.
Wondering whether these factors apply with neurodiverse individuals also? i.e. the "irritability or impatience", and "remembering" that was mentioned, is different in emotionally immature people, to those who may have this presentation of ADHD?
ADHD often times comes with high levels of empathy for others.. and though they might be impulsive, it’s not hurting anyone- and they still own up to their mistakes and actions.. They also don’t devalue others or has a scewed sense of reality. There is a huge difference between having ADHD and being EI. 🙂
You totally crack me up. Your voice is like the girl that does the schweddy balls on Saturday night live. I'm sorry but you have really great podcasts you're just the voice makes me laugh
Gretchen! Jeez Gretchen😂
@@lukefisch9483 lol