Yeah I was dating a guy years ago and he kept saying “stop being lazy” he didn’t understand my illness so the relationship didn’t work 🤷🏽♀️and I’m not mad
Thank you for describing this for me. I am experiencing this with my mum. When I told her I was so happy I cried I got accepted for NDIS. Her response was, ' you always get hand outs.' This women has no disability. She was demonstrating ablism. This is the same women who told me I was 'lazy' for not cleaning the entire house when I lived with her, after I had a car accident and my car was written off. I had a flare up from MS which was undiagnosed at the time. I lost control of my arms. I couldn't lift them above my head. Now that I am diagnosed, I am asking for hand outs. Even though it took me so long to accept help. 6 years after diagnosis before I asked because thanks to her I was gaslighting myself, saying I should be able to do this. I'm lazy.
Thank you for taking the time to post videos and share your experience and information. Although I am officially retired, I have struggled with blaming myself for not getting enough done at home because I used to be able to get it done and then some. I know that I have several chronic conditions. Some have been officially diagnosed and some have been self diagnosed. I stumbled across your CZcams channel earlier today and cannot tell you how much it has helped me to reframe some of my thought process just in the couple of hours that I have been watching your videos. I am excited to be able to introduce your channel to my daughter who is in her late 30s and also has been both officially and unofficially diagnosed with several chronic conditions. We are definitely all about accommodations within our home, I will begin to look for more rather than belittle myself for needing them in the first place. My daughter has also set up an extremely workable space around her bed and has an adjustable bed which has made all the difference for her. Thank you for the work that you do and the energy that I know it costs you.
I just found you on Instagram and... well, I cried when you said "it is not your responsibility to suffer." I want to be proud of being disabled and positive so non-disabled people don't treat me differently (terrible logic, I know), but lately it's been really exhausting. Your words are helping me so much. I can't wait to share your content with all my disabled friends. Thank you.
I'm so glad you found me! And I totally understand your logic, the peer pressure to be "disability inspo" is real. I struggle with it, too. But again, it's not your responsibility to suffer, and it certainly isn't your responsibility to inspire others either. Hugs! 💖
as a 16 year old girl, growing up with Autism, Depression, ADHD, CPTSD, Anxiety(general as well as social) and non verbal Tourette's, has been a the equivalent to being dragged and shoved around in a crowded room while simply laying on the floor and surrendering to the pain i was experiencing. With time i learned to adapt and manage my own abilities well enough to live a somewhat normal life (which means nothing other than going to school and getting good grades, i never had a good social life or hobbies that were fun because i just didn't have the energy to do anything after being in sensory overload hell for 6 hours and smiling trough it) well, lucky me, i developed cfs/me about half a year ago and now i am basically unable to do anything on my own. my biggest problem is that my family doesn't just deny me any sort of accommodations (obviously because they think that i need to get my act together and be the overachieving trophy child that i used to be) no, they also don't want to help me by accompanying me or supporting me in more difficult tasks. I feel very miserable sitting in my bed all day and doing nothing other than stare at people on the street. But i also don't have the energy let alone strength to go and walk down my 3 story apartment buildings stairwell of cardio hell, walk another mile to any sort of store, experience sensory overload's even more unbearable sequel, almost pass out and have a panic attack because i'm acting weird in public and people notice that and then walk all the way back home and climb that mount everest of a stairwell again. Would it be so hard to come with me ? Well yes, because no one in my life is willing to spare some of their time to help me, they would rather call me lazy and scream at me even though i am crying due to the overbearing volume of their voice
I’ve had therapists shove work down my throat when it’s really toxic and say you won’t know to you try and it’s excuse me but I did for. Nearly 30 years and it broke me and ruined my mental health. I will never return to the world of work due to cPTSD and trauma
i just wanna say you are a beautiful soul. im adding this here because my other comment is too cramped. but fun tibit: as i watch this video my cat is asleep and currently snoring. some how she snores sometimes and doesnt other times. she snores like a person. it cracks me up. ive had her since november from a shelter.
I didn't know about lateral ableism, thank you for the explanation. I am lucky to have adjustments so I can stay in my job and work from home. However the process to get them was 3 months. The hoops I had to go through and the information I had to share, taught me there is no dignity with a disability in the world of work. Big hugs to you 🤗
There's about a million things I could say on this topic but instead I'll mention the doctor who episode It Takes You Away and the solitract, who is a great example of someone having to suffer so everything else can survive.
What I have noticed when it comes to lateral ableism is, that, in my experience, the person doing the ableism sometimes does it because they are jealous of the accommodations someone else is getting, because they actually need them too and aren't able to get them, so they feel let down and lost and unfortunately let that out on people that got what they needed/wanted. Of course that doesn't excuse it, it's just a possible explanation, especially, when the person has trauma and is always fearing for their life, someone "taking" the things, that they need, could be a trigger for them. My source for that is that I felt like that when I was a child. My symptoms where disregarded most of the time and I was constantly "fighting for my life", because noone believed me, so I had to force my body to the brink, until other people finally saw, that I was hurting, then I would get a few days of rest and then rinse and repeat. I have learned since then and my illness is mostly accommodated now, but sometimes, especially, when I am not doing well, I fall back into this fear, that those accommodations would go away again, if someone else was having more problems than me. I have never voiced those thoughts or said anything ableist to someone, I just sadly fall back on those thoughts sometimes because of an instinctual fear for my life.
First, I believe there's a book about the tale you describe, it's called The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas by Ursula K. Le Guin. Second, thank you so much for this video. This year I was diagnosed with autism which finally explains the struggles I've been experiencing for years. It's taken me 8 years to get through 3 years of university even though I have no intellectual disabilities. I've been struggling with asking for accommodations at university because I feel so much shame and guilt. My whole life I've been told I'm so smart, but so lazy, that if I just tried a little harder I could reach my potential. I constantly feel guilty for not being able to do everyday tasks, particularly because my struggles are almost invisible, people can't see the executive disfunction, the sensory issues, the lack of emotional regulation, or how much effort social situations require of me. I've learned to mask so well, even those close to me can't tell when I'm drowning and it's also meant it took years for me to get diagnosed because no psychiatrist or therapist could put their finger on what it was that I was struggling with, after doing my own reasearch and deciding to get an autism diagnosis done at a specialist center, I finally got a label to explain what I struggle with, I remember even being told by one psychiatrist that was trying to figure out my diagnosis, that I presented autistic traits, but that because I wanted to eventually have a friend group and a romantic partner I couldn't possibly be autistic. I'm trying to be better at asking for what I need and being compassionate with mysel, so finding your channel had been a big help.
I’ve been told to work more, to get a big girl job, to get a “real job” I can only work part time, and I’m struggling with even that. Some months I’m able to work a little more but then if I have a flare up it’s really hard to keep working on schedule.
I am going blind. I have been DX with Retinitis Pigmentosa since I was 21. I am now 55 and am facing the reality of my limitations. I fought to get into law school against all odds. I suffered through an incredibly abusive marriage for 23 years and was left destitute after giving up my career and education to raise our 5 boys. He tried killing me multiple times, I stayed. I suffer from PTSD, hypervigilence, procrastination, etc etc. I never needed accommodations during my undergrad (I went to school during my 3.5 yr divorce.) I was so proud of myself, but the stretch to think I could be a lawyer? The Phoenix rising from the ashes? I busted my ass and worked hard and finally was accepted to law school! I received accommodations, but two professors refused to follow and allow the most important things I needed to be able to see and keep up. I struggled, I stood up for myself with the law school and disability services, I begged, I cried… to no avail. I worked twice as hard as my younger cohorts (at 51 years I was the oldest in my graduating class.) I was already marked from day one that I would not make it. I was discriminated against and denied my accommodations and ultimately fell short on my final exams. All that hard work, feeling so proud that a disabled blind girl could go from nothing to law school shot down in an instance because professors refused to give me the power point slides to follow along at my desk. It was the worst disappointment of my life. So, yes, I have been discriminated against because of my “unseen” disability. I look normal, I guess. That is until I walk into a pole or trio over an elephant. Lol then people just think I’m drunk or on drugs. The day I need a white cane may help with that preconceived bias from others.. but why does it seem so hard and I have to give up my dreams because people can’t understand what “eye” see (or don’t see?)
Love the video. I'm regularly ill and am unable to come into work because of it, and was given the option as well as others at work to when I am that ill to work from home, they have now removed that as an option because someone was taking advantage of it, and not everyone has the option to do their specific role at home, so even know I'm regularly unwell and in a different health situation it's no longer an option for me.
And I wish that NTs stopped denying us accommodations even consellors have the audacity to say to me m6 past doesn’t influence my future as a neurodivergent person when it clearly does as I grew up poor and nothings changed. For women it influences every da6 of their life talk about privilege and ableism
What would you call the 4' person being pissed that the 5' has a box & demanding that the 5' person give them their box as well? Even to the point of staying that 5' person can just jump to see over the fence after 5' says "Sorry, I can't. I have a broken ankle." And continuing on that the 5' doesn't really need to see over the fence anyway. I finally cut her out of my life a few months ago & have been able to tell it's made a positive impact on my life. But I miss her & it hurts (that she's not around & that I even had to cut out).
Good info, but stretched out way too long… too slow, too many filler words just to fill time. I clicked out 5 minutes in. The same info could be presented in half the time.
@cassiewinter it impacted me because when i was struggling in school and taking so long to do school work and doing badly on tests most of the time, all i kept hearing was just keep trying harder. if i had had help when i needed it things could have been different. i could have been in a different place in my life right now. it has felt like when i say something people didnt believe me which is probably why i feel like i need to back up what i say, like a intense urge to back up my words. it still feels like that even today.i now know what i have and it feels nice that there are people who go through what i go through. accomodations, extra time on tests, taking it alone, that allowed me to pace off my stress and stand up stretch, give my self a pep talk and not seem like a crazy person. i also got help to plan out my hw and break it up into manageable chunks , because my brain goes yeah you can do that huge task that takes way way more than a hour in one day, even though you have a essay due and homework sheets during college. also way off topic, but i just found a recipet from 2021 and it wasnt on my desk yesterday. I dont know where this reciept spontaneously appeared from. O.O what is the thing that ableists are scared to see ? i wanted to reply to that, but i didnt get the question. can you rephrase it ?
It's been so long I forget what I was talking about. Could you email me the timestamp and I'll get back to you with clarification? cwinter@accountabilitymuse.com
How as ableism impacted you?
Yeah I was dating a guy years ago and he kept saying “stop being lazy” he didn’t understand my illness so the relationship didn’t work 🤷🏽♀️and I’m not mad
Thank you for describing this for me. I am experiencing this with my mum. When I told her I was so happy I cried I got accepted for NDIS. Her response was, ' you always get hand outs.' This women has no disability. She was demonstrating ablism.
This is the same women who told me I was 'lazy' for not cleaning the entire house when I lived with her, after I had a car accident and my car was written off. I had a flare up from MS which was undiagnosed at the time. I lost control of my arms. I couldn't lift them above my head.
Now that I am diagnosed, I am asking for hand outs. Even though it took me so long to accept help. 6 years after diagnosis before I asked because thanks to her I was gaslighting myself, saying I should be able to do this. I'm lazy.
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry this has been your experience. You are NOT lazy. You deserve support and accommodations. Sending big hugs 💖
so wonderful to find a healing vibration.thank you sending love
Hugs! 💖
Thank you for taking the time to post videos and share your experience and information. Although I am officially retired, I have struggled with blaming myself for not getting enough done at home because I used to be able to get it done and then some. I know that I have several chronic conditions. Some have been officially diagnosed and some have been self diagnosed. I stumbled across your CZcams channel earlier today and cannot tell you how much it has helped me to reframe some of my thought process just in the couple of hours that I have been watching your videos. I am excited to be able to introduce your channel to my daughter who is in her late 30s and also has been both officially and unofficially diagnosed with several chronic conditions. We are definitely all about accommodations within our home, I will begin to look for more rather than belittle myself for needing them in the first place. My daughter has also set up an extremely workable space around her bed and has an adjustable bed which has made all the difference for her. Thank you for the work that you do and the energy that I know it costs you.
Thank you so much, Debi. 💖
I just found you on Instagram and... well, I cried when you said "it is not your responsibility to suffer." I want to be proud of being disabled and positive so non-disabled people don't treat me differently (terrible logic, I know), but lately it's been really exhausting. Your words are helping me so much. I can't wait to share your content with all my disabled friends. Thank you.
I'm so glad you found me! And I totally understand your logic, the peer pressure to be "disability inspo" is real. I struggle with it, too. But again, it's not your responsibility to suffer, and it certainly isn't your responsibility to inspire others either. Hugs! 💖
Me: worked every damn day of my life since age 15, gets chronic illness at 42, suddenly, I'm lazy. I mean, you can't make this stuff up.
as a 16 year old girl, growing up with Autism, Depression, ADHD, CPTSD, Anxiety(general as well as social) and non verbal Tourette's, has been a the equivalent to being dragged and shoved around in a crowded room while simply laying on the floor and surrendering to the pain i was experiencing.
With time i learned to adapt and manage my own abilities well enough to live a somewhat normal life (which means nothing other than going to school and getting good grades, i never had a good social life or hobbies that were fun because i just didn't have the energy to do anything after being in sensory overload hell for 6 hours and smiling trough it)
well, lucky me, i developed cfs/me about half a year ago and now i am basically unable to do anything on my own.
my biggest problem is that my family doesn't just deny me any sort of accommodations (obviously because they think that i need to get my act together and be the overachieving trophy child that i used to be)
no, they also don't want to help me by accompanying me or supporting me in more difficult tasks. I feel very miserable sitting in my bed all day and doing nothing other than stare at people on the street. But i also don't have the energy let alone strength to go and walk down my 3 story apartment buildings stairwell of cardio hell, walk another mile to any sort of store, experience sensory overload's even more unbearable sequel, almost pass out and have a panic attack because i'm acting weird in public and people notice that and then walk all the way back home and climb that mount everest of a stairwell again. Would it be so hard to come with me ? Well yes, because no one in my life is willing to spare some of their time to help me, they would rather call me lazy and scream at me even though i am crying due to the overbearing volume of their voice
Big oof. Sending you great big hugs ❤️❤️❤️
As someone married to an ablest… THANK YOU
Married to? OOF. Sending you lots of love and hugs. 💖
I’ve had therapists shove work down my throat when it’s really toxic and say you won’t know to you try and it’s excuse me but I did for. Nearly 30 years and it broke me and ruined my mental health. I will never return to the world of work due to cPTSD and trauma
i just wanna say you are a beautiful soul.
im adding this here because my other comment is too cramped. but
fun tibit: as i watch this video my cat is asleep and currently snoring. some how she snores sometimes and doesnt other times. she snores like a person. it cracks me up. ive had her since november from a shelter.
I didn't know about lateral ableism, thank you for the explanation. I am lucky to have adjustments so I can stay in my job and work from home. However the process to get them was 3 months. The hoops I had to go through and the information I had to share, taught me there is no dignity with a disability in the world of work. Big hugs to you 🤗
Hugs back! 🤗
There's about a million things I could say on this topic but instead I'll mention the doctor who episode It Takes You Away and the solitract, who is a great example of someone having to suffer so everything else can survive.
Thank you for your Ted talk ❤
What I have noticed when it comes to lateral ableism is, that, in my experience, the person doing the ableism sometimes does it because they are jealous of the accommodations someone else is getting, because they actually need them too and aren't able to get them, so they feel let down and lost and unfortunately let that out on people that got what they needed/wanted. Of course that doesn't excuse it, it's just a possible explanation, especially, when the person has trauma and is always fearing for their life, someone "taking" the things, that they need, could be a trigger for them.
My source for that is that I felt like that when I was a child. My symptoms where disregarded most of the time and I was constantly "fighting for my life", because noone believed me, so I had to force my body to the brink, until other people finally saw, that I was hurting, then I would get a few days of rest and then rinse and repeat. I have learned since then and my illness is mostly accommodated now, but sometimes, especially, when I am not doing well, I fall back into this fear, that those accommodations would go away again, if someone else was having more problems than me. I have never voiced those thoughts or said anything ableist to someone, I just sadly fall back on those thoughts sometimes because of an instinctual fear for my life.
First, I believe there's a book about the tale you describe, it's called The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas by Ursula K. Le Guin.
Second, thank you so much for this video. This year I was diagnosed with autism which finally explains the struggles I've been experiencing for years. It's taken me 8 years to get through 3 years of university even though I have no intellectual disabilities. I've been struggling with asking for accommodations at university because I feel so much shame and guilt. My whole life I've been told I'm so smart, but so lazy, that if I just tried a little harder I could reach my potential. I constantly feel guilty for not being able to do everyday tasks, particularly because my struggles are almost invisible, people can't see the executive disfunction, the sensory issues, the lack of emotional regulation, or how much effort social situations require of me. I've learned to mask so well, even those close to me can't tell when I'm drowning and it's also meant it took years for me to get diagnosed because no psychiatrist or therapist could put their finger on what it was that I was struggling with, after doing my own reasearch and deciding to get an autism diagnosis done at a specialist center, I finally got a label to explain what I struggle with, I remember even being told by one psychiatrist that was trying to figure out my diagnosis, that I presented autistic traits, but that because I wanted to eventually have a friend group and a romantic partner I couldn't possibly be autistic. I'm trying to be better at asking for what I need and being compassionate with mysel, so finding your channel had been a big help.
Thank you for sharing, Andrea. 💖 So proud of you for caring for yourself in the face of so much ableism. Big hugs!
I’ve been told to work more, to get a big girl job, to get a “real job” I can only work part time, and I’m struggling with even that. Some months I’m able to work a little more but then if I have a flare up it’s really hard to keep working on schedule.
Big hugs 💖
I am going blind. I have been DX with Retinitis Pigmentosa since I was 21. I am now 55 and am facing the reality of my limitations. I fought to get into law school against all odds. I suffered through an incredibly abusive marriage for 23 years and was left destitute after giving up my career and education to raise our 5 boys. He tried killing me multiple times, I stayed. I suffer from PTSD, hypervigilence, procrastination, etc etc.
I never needed accommodations during my undergrad (I went to school during my 3.5 yr divorce.) I was so proud of myself, but the stretch to think I could be a lawyer? The Phoenix rising from the ashes? I busted my ass and worked hard and finally was accepted to law school!
I received accommodations, but two professors refused to follow and allow the most important things I needed to be able to see and keep up. I struggled, I stood up for myself with the law school and disability services, I begged, I cried… to no avail. I worked twice as hard as my younger cohorts (at 51 years I was the oldest in my graduating class.) I was already marked from day one that I would not make it.
I was discriminated against and denied my accommodations and ultimately fell short on my final exams.
All that hard work, feeling so proud that a disabled blind girl could go from nothing to law school shot down in an instance because professors refused to give me the power point slides to follow along at my desk.
It was the worst disappointment of my life.
So, yes, I have been discriminated against because of my “unseen” disability. I look normal, I guess. That is until I walk into a pole or trio over an elephant. Lol then people just think I’m drunk or on drugs. The day I need a white cane may help with that preconceived bias from others.. but why does it seem so hard and I have to give up my dreams because people can’t understand what “eye” see (or don’t see?)
Love the video.
I'm regularly ill and am unable to come into work because of it, and was given the option as well as others at work to when I am that ill to work from home, they have now removed that as an option because someone was taking advantage of it, and not everyone has the option to do their specific role at home, so even know I'm regularly unwell and in a different health situation it's no longer an option for me.
That is so unjust. So sorry 🤗
I think the story you're talking about in this video is "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas" by Ursula K. Le Guin :)
Thank you!
❤
And I wish that NTs stopped denying us accommodations even consellors have the audacity to say to me m6 past doesn’t influence my future as a neurodivergent person when it clearly does as I grew up poor and nothings changed. For women it influences every da6 of their life talk about privilege and ableism
What would you call the 4' person being pissed that the 5' has a box & demanding that the 5' person give them their box as well? Even to the point of staying that 5' person can just jump to see over the fence after 5' says "Sorry, I can't. I have a broken ankle." And continuing on that the 5' doesn't really need to see over the fence anyway.
I finally cut her out of my life a few months ago & have been able to tell it's made a positive impact on my life. But I miss her & it hurts (that she's not around & that I even had to cut out).
That's a classic case of lateral ableism. So sorry you experienced that. And it's normal to still miss someone even if they hurt you. Sending hugs. 💖
20
Good info, but stretched out way too long… too slow, too many filler words just to fill time. I clicked out 5 minutes in. The same info could be presented in half the time.
@cassiewinter it impacted me because when i was struggling in school and taking so long to do school work and doing badly on tests most of the time, all i kept hearing was just keep trying harder. if i had had help when i needed it things could have been different. i could have been in a different place in my life right now. it has felt like when i say something people didnt believe me which is probably why i feel like i need to back up what i say, like a intense urge to back up my words. it still feels like that even today.i now know what i have and it feels nice that there are people who go through what i go through. accomodations, extra time on tests, taking it alone, that allowed me to pace off my stress and stand up stretch, give my self a pep talk and not seem like a crazy person. i also got help to plan out my hw and break it up into manageable chunks , because my brain goes yeah you can do that huge task that takes way way more than a hour in one day, even though you have a essay due and homework sheets during college.
also way off topic, but i just found a recipet from 2021 and it wasnt on my desk yesterday. I dont know where this reciept spontaneously appeared from. O.O
what is the thing that ableists are scared to see ? i wanted to reply to that, but i didnt get the question. can you rephrase it ?
It's been so long I forget what I was talking about. Could you email me the timestamp and I'll get back to you with clarification? cwinter@accountabilitymuse.com