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@@maila2359 oh my gosh, that’s wonderful! This made my day!!!

@@coachamychambers2001 💖

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for your experience. You are not alone. I hear this sort of story very often. I'm so happy you're here, sharing your experience, and doing research. I do think it helps us to recognize that these behaviors happen commonly. Experts say the silent treatment is a very common punishment for the narc to use. During that time, they don't have to apologize, take accountability, or work on themselves and the recipient of the silent treatment is cut off, gets to think about what they've done, and (many times) feel guilt or shame for their behavior. Which, for some, prevents them from "acting out" again (even though, they likely really didn't act out in the first place). What a tactic. I'm so happy you can see a pattern of your accomplishments being belittled or you being made for feel less-than. Once you see it, then you can start on some decision-making for how you want to handle that in the future. Even though I don't know you, I'd love to be a person who says CONGRATS on your accomplishments and that you ARE enough.

Oh my gosh, I love this and am so happy you brought this up. Such a great point! This was EXACTLY the scenario with the narcissist in my life. Since I grew up with the person and the behaviors were all somewhat subtle (exactly as you described), I never identified anything was out of the ordinary, and I thought the treatment was normal. It wasn't until I was in my 30's, with a track record of breakups with partners that I FINALLY went to therapy and began reading books and doing research on personality and mental disorders, and stumbled into all this new information. You are SO right that this sort of quieter emotional abuse can cause so many things in our lives (many of which you mentioned) and yet the individual has no idea WHY or where those feelings come from. I am so sorry for those who had the experience of being told things like "try harder, go to therapy, it's not that bad". I'll say that my life really began to change when I found people who told me very different things: "This is NOT normal, this was programmed in you, how you feel about what's happening is important, your feelings matter, YOU matter." Messages like that help us start to build some self-confidence, and I wish they were said more often. I am very fortunate for the people in my life (now) who said the RIGHT things and that allowed me to escape the mental and emotional prison I'd been living in. Thanks so much for this valuable comment and I cannot tell you how much success I am wishing you in all things!

Hah! I love it! That made me laugh out loud. I absolutely love the honesty you decided to have (regardless of whether or not it leads to any sort of difference in them, which may not even be the goal). Bravo for following your heart!

In my own experience, I'd argue that most of them do NOT "know" themselves. They tend to lack a self-awareness and humility and because they're committed to seeing things from their own point of view, protecting themselves, and playing the victim, they tend to blame others for their own poor behavior and actions ("you did this" being a great example). They often struggle to see themselves as others see them (it's too painful or difficult for them to accept they're not perfect or awesome). Gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your situation 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure if the relationship with the SO is over now and I know all situations are different, but I do think the situation of getting thrown out, having belongings destroyed and then being told YOU did that is a clear indication that the relationship is not a healthy or good one at the present time, and I truly hope you can find one more supportive and respectful to YOU.

Yes, absolutely. According to the DSM-5, exhibit five or more of the following, which are present by early adulthood and across contexts: 1) A grandiose sense of self-importance 2) Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 3) Belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions 4) A need for excessive admiration 5) A sense of entitlement (to special treatment) 6) Exploitation of others 7) A lack of empathy 8) Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy 9) Arrogant, haughty behavior, or attitudes So, while 5 of the 9 qualify for a NPD diagnosis, someone could also have all 9 (and of course, to varying degrees).

Absolutely! From what I know, the DSM-5 says individuals with diagnosable NPD exhibit 5 or more of the following, which are present by early adulthood and across contexts: 1) A grandiose sense of self-importance 2) Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 3) Belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions 4) A need for excessive admiration 5) A sense of entitlement (to special treatment) 6) Exploitation of others 7) A lack of empathy 8) Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy 9) Arrogant, haughty behavior, or attitudes I'd definitely argue that someone with NPD (having at least 5 of these be regularly present) or someone with full-blown NPD (let's say, having all 9) is 100% night-and-day than someone who just has some narcissistic tendencies! Sliding scale, for sure, I believe.

Bummer, so sorry to hear that. Yes, I cover this in the second video too- most of us learn behaviors from our caregivers in childhood and those are hard to break. Many narcissists were raised by narcissists and know no different. Sorry for your experience. Your channel has some good stuff on it!

@@coachamychambers2001 Thank You

So sorry to hear that!

@@coachamychambers2001 iam better now

Love that. This was just the first part of a two-part series, and what I shared in the second video today is that the presence of any one or two of these things doesn’t necessarily make someone a narcissist, but the presence of ALL of these characteristics together, and repeatedly, likely DOES. That’s what I’d call “full-blown”, and as you say, I believe that’s when we must really be careful and protect ourselves when interacting with the person.

I love this! Great point. I covered this in the second part of the video (which I uploaded today) but in short, my belief aligns so well with yours. In the second video, I share that one or two of these things (by themselves) doesn't mean we're narcissistic at all; we ALL do a few of these things from time to time, that's normal. Its when we see ALL these behaviors together, again and again, consistently, that a pattern of "narcissism" really emerges. If all it took was hurt feelings over not being invited, yes, 100% of us would probably be narcissistic!

Oh my gosh, this is amazing! And you've certainly seen a LOT of this behavior in A LOT of very important people. How strong you are to be able to walk away from all these individuals and be comfortable with the smear (that you know has nothing to do with you, and is more about all of them). So wonderful that you're on a path of learning, healing, recovering, and growth. That's so fantastic, and I LOVE hearing these stories! Congratulations for building a new life and a new YOU!

I'd say absolutely AS LONG AS you NORMALIZE these struggles and know we ALL go through similar struggles, it's okay to struggle, and your struggles don't determine who you are- how you RESPOND to your struggles determines who you are. Your struggles also aren't final or fatal- we're all still works in progress as long as we choose to believe that. It's not all written yet; you're not a finished project. There's still time to learn how to forgive yourself for those mistakes, and practice that (not an easy thing for many of us!). But if you love yourself, you'll be committed to this kind of work. You'll be slow to anger with yourself and you won't get frustrated for not having it all figured it out yet. You'll know that the things you've said and done don't define you and you can do better in the future, you so choose. And the things other people and have said and done don't have to be your reality. You can rise above them, prove them wrong, or recognize that what matters most is what YOU believe. Many of us (including myself) struggle at times to see our own worth. When you start beating yourself up for that, or feeling like that can't change, or feeling like your past mistakes are set in stone, or refuse to forgive yourself and work hard to find a few things you at least like about yourself (and build from those), I think that's when you begin to withhold love from yourself. I truly believe we all deserve love, and more important love for each of us comes from OURSEVLES. And, even if you haven't been able to fully love yourself in the past, it doesn't mean you can't LEARN to do it in the future. I hope this is helpful!

@@lovehonesty gosh I am so sorry to hear you didn’t get to the right tools or resources earlier. Once you see it, it’s hard to unsee. But I truly believe that having a term for it, helps us better deal with it and choose our responses better.

Yep, mine too. She's the character in my story. Sadly.

Ahh, thanks for asking! They’re race medals! I’m an avid runner. 230+ half marathons and 12 full marathons in the last 9 years!

@@coachamychambers2001 omg you are a machine... i oughta pray for half that will and endurance... wow

@@jevans1805 awww, thanks! It’s definitely a huge passion for me!

Thanks so much!!

I’m so glad!

Definitely been there. Seems like it's common for narcissists to "love bomb" when you're doing things they way they'd like or when they're in a good mood and pleased with your performance: "you're so beautiful and wonderful", but then say the opposite when they want/need something from you. I've heard that's because love is often "transactional" for narcissists; it's based on individuals things you say and do; not more of an unconditional state. So, there's lots of ups and downs which all stem on whether or not they feel they're getting what THEY need. This roller-coaster can keep the recipient trapped and in a constant cycle of rushing around trying to please them, or do whatever it takes to get the compliments and love back again, which erodes self-confidence and prevents the recipient from leaving or walking away.

Sadly, it sure can be! They usually don't just say, "Oh, was I doing that? I didn't realize. I'm sorry. I'll work on that". If they did, then they wouldn't qualify as a narc in the first place. It's tough stuff, that's for sure. So much resistance and turning it back on you. Makes it hard to keep coming back for more.

Smiling big at this comment!

Absolutely. Many live in their own stories and narratives of "truth", which often don't align with reality.

Oh I’m so glad!!

@@urrescos awww I’m so glad!

I’m so sorry to hear things didn’t work out. Taking care of OURSELVES and our OWN mental and emotional health (over others) is THE most important thing we can do. I KNOW It’s hard in the moment, but I do believe there’s a strong chance you’ll look back later and be so glad you did. Wishing you the very best of luck as you navigate the process!

Wow, you said that very well! Extremely well-articulated.

@@coachamychambers2001 Thank you. Learned from costly experience. As they say, experience is the best teacher.

Gosh, that's tough. Disclaimer: I certainly don't have all the answers; these are just some personal thoughts. Do you know how HE feels about their relationship? It can be tough to watch another couple's relationship from afar, and feel it's toxic or unhealthy. But ultimately, the two people IN the relationship have to decide how THEY feel about it. My guess is you're unlikely to be successful in urging him to make different decisions if, ultimately, HE doesn't feel there's a problem or isn't aware of it. I wish I knew a way to help people change if they, themselves, don't see a need for change, but I don't. We can't want others to change more than THEY want it themselves. I don't know if there's a way to access/communicate with him (without her involvement) but I do feel that getting some alone time with him (so you can at least share your concerns), is really necessary. At least you can openly share that you feel he's afraid and see how HE feels about it. The words "will not LET" are fairly telling. Usually, grown adults don't need a partner's permission to see people they care about. I'm very sorry that you're going through this.

Thank you, my parents would give them money just to see the grandkids. It was awful to watch. Both my parents passed, the kids are now adults. The only person she has to use is my brother. I can go no contact, he has to live with her. That has to be hell.

Hah, hopefully they continue to grow!

Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Is there someone you can talk to you about this? I've found that having a mentor or therapist we can trust is so helpful as we figure out how to take care of ourselves, especially when we're in difficult relationships.

@@coachamychambers2001 I can try but I am really embarrassed to talk about it

@@alyssachausse6752 I understand. Thank you for sharing that so bravely and vulnerably. I definitely encourage you to start there (dealing with the feelings of embarrassment and trying to understand where that comes from). Based on what you've shared, I'd argue that this is a very important time for you to LOVE yourself, CONNECT with yourself, and stay with yourself. Feeling any embarrassment, guilt, or shame is so common. And yet, these feelings rarely serve us. They tend to keep us stuck. We sometimes forget that we have CHOICES in how we feel. You can choose to be proud of yourself for noticing this pattern with your husband, and wanting something to change. You can choose courage, and bravery (in seeking help or information). You can choose to believe that these situations are common, and you're not alone, so there's no reason to be embarrassed. You can choose to believe you're worthy of respect and love- starting with the respect and love you give YOURSELF. I do know this is all easier said than done, but we can do hard things! (I wrote about all this in my second book, 6 H.A.B.I.T.S. of Powerful People). I do believe you're strong enough to do the work! I am so glad you're here, finding some support on the web. This is a great first step!

Oh, I'm so happy you're here and found value in this! Just published another video on 6 things you CAN try or do. These have been very helpful for me.

I've absolutely seen this!! Often, it accomplishes two things. 1) It can wear others down. They become exhausted and eventually give up; deeming it easier to concede than continue an ongoing discussion that the narcissist isn't making it easy to leave. 2) It can cause others to doubt themselves and their real desires, wishes, and wants. When we repeatedly get asked the same question, we can start to second-guess the validity of our thinking and answers. ("Maybe I don't really want or need this; maybe I'm being selfish?"). It's almost like repeatedly looking at the answer you circled on a test- the more you rethink it, the likelier you are to change it. Agree wholeheartedly that if you begin breaking boundaries (even once), you're in for future troubles.

Of course! You're very welcome!

Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how very tough it is to be in a relationship with someone who acts this way. It's interesting how many of them act exactly the same, "word for word", as you say. I can't tell you how many videos I've also watched by strangers and thought "WOW. SPOT ON. It's like they're talking about the same person in MY life." What I have found is that recognizing it can be a very helpful first step to managing it better. I wish you all the best with this.

Thank so much! That means the world to me! I just published Part 2 of this series. Hope that's helpful too!

So true! Exhausting INDEED! And most of them have zero idea they're so needy in that way (or that other people don't need that). Many of them are unable to self-validate.

How perceptive of you! Yes, her mother did this same thing to her. It was NEVER good enough. In one rare moment, my mom once recounted a story of a piano concert, where she played beautifully, and many strangers commented on her performance. When she got home, her mom (my grandmother) chewed her out, saying, "You were slouching the WHOLE TIME. I was so ashamed and embarrassed of you up there." WOW. No wonder she internalized these sorts of responses and then passed them onto me. I actually believe she grew up with more childhood trauma than I did. In short- you are SPOT ON. Great insight.

Too funny! But sadly, from what I know, our story is VERY common!

Thanks for sharing! Yes, the focus on perfection is such a tough (But common thing!). Sadly, the pursuit of perfection often leads to a lot of anxiety, worry, and unhappiness (The opposite of perfection). Focusing on progress, effort, growth, development is often far more enjoyable than the focus on perfection. Sending you much love!

Wow, that is worded SO WELL! "Prisons of insecurity"- it really IS a prison! Thanks for the powerful metaphor.

Thanks much!

Oh, I'm so glad you liked it! This made my day! Thank you!

Wow, thank you for sharing all this so vulnerably and specifically! I SO enjoyed reading this. I can vividly see her coming home from the ambulance job and saying these things. You write so well! I can relate to what you say about seeing danger in everything and everyone. Yep, same. Didn't play sports because I could injure myself. Was taught to jiggle the door handle about 10X when I left the house to "make sure it was locked"- then constantly fret about it afterwards. Couldn't quit or leave a bad job because I "might not get another one". My mom taught me to distrust anyone that tried to help me because "it might be too good to be true" or they might "be up to something". I am so happy that you have taken all these steps to HEAL yourself and RECOVER. It is heartbreaking to hear that she was "too busy" to come to your graduation and ridiculed you for your normal, natural feelings even at the tender age of 5. it sounds like she's created her own hell (for herself) and passed it onto you. She seems to be focused primarily on herself and driven by her emotions. I am so very sorry for all the lost/wasted years where the fear of danger affected you so deeply but so thrilled to hear that you've found better response systems, beliefs, paradigms for you to live your own life on your own terms. BRAVO!!!

Last night, while I was sleeping, I swallowed by phlemn and it almost got stuck in my throat and I almost choked. That never happened to me before. Yeah, I spent my entire High School years stressed and worried about having to earn an A on every single exam, which I often did, but it did not prepare me for a good career and did not teach me how to earn a decent living. I'm 52 years old now with health problems like high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease. I did not have to worry about those when I was in high school and my 20's.

@@Mr.NoName1972 I'm so sorry to hear about your health difficulties. You're absolutely right- great grades in school (by themselves) don' NECESSARILY set us up for a fulfilling life, complete with a career we're passionate about. Those conversations (about mindset, mental health, and emotional wellbeing) are not always taught in homes or schools. That's why I'm so committed to the info I share on this channel! I wish you all the best in all you're going through.