Video

It is insidious, yes - but once you see it, you can't unsee it anymore...

🎉 CONGRATULATIONS. 🎖️ Hang in there, it'll get so much better, & very soon 💪

Lol

Very true - the constant nice/abusive dynamic pulls you back and forth all the time, like a rollercoaster - great analogy. This is also what we are used to from childhood often, hence the trauma bonding and the difficulties in leaving. It also doesn't help that a lot of ppl enable abuse by saying things like "He's not always that bad" - as if that matters at the end of the day. A bad person is rarely *always* bad. That doesn't excuse anything. It also doesn't make them a better person.

Best of luck to you! May the divorce be finalized quickly and you enjoy your freedom!

After 2 1/2 years I’m finally divorced… May 3rd. But, he’s still living here. Won’t move. I’ve been paying all the bills. Looks like more attorney fees.

I'm sorry this happened to you! Glad you're out! :) Side note: I must've missed the day the world officially announced that only men gaslight. When was that? ;)

@@QbitFilms ha! - I’m pretty sure you’re joking with me but just in case you aren’t, I had gone through about 50-60 comments on this short and noticed the vast majority of the comments were made by women. I’ve found that it’s generally not accepted that men can be on the receiving end of an abusive relationship so that’s why I mentioned this. Some people just don’t believe that this could be true especially if it’s done by a covert narcissist. I fully realize that the abuser is very likely to be male and the abused is very likely to be female in most domestic abuse situations so I understand why it’s often perceived this way. (I’ll double check for that announcement though! :). )

I have trouble understanding your logic. Even if 50-60 *million* women were telling their stories - I mean what else are they supposed to do - that would still say exactly zero about men's stories. And let's face it, we live in a world where male abuse and femicide are so common, it rarely even makes the news. But *one* woman doing something abusive and the vile witch hunt starts. Just yesterday I talked to a friend about Depp/Heard. Of course it was abhorrent of her to try to abuse feminism for her scam(?) but my goodness, did it bring out the worst in ppl! Where is the public outrage when it's the other way around? Does it happen too often to be called a scandal? I guess what I'm trying to say is: I still have to meet that person that thinks women don't gaslight / abuse. Still really wondering where you meet such ppl and what those ppl have to do with women telling their stories in this comment section here. You say most abusers are male which of course explains the comment section. Then again you seem to think that says anything about female abusers. Why is that? Like, how come? How did you even arrive at such an assumption? Genuine question because I really don't get it lol Honestly, "but also men" feels a lot like "but not all men" which are both replies to statements *no one ever* made. I don't understand why over the years only a couple of man have commented "This happened to me, too" and simply *left it at that* - without banging on about the discrepancy in terms of gender. I mean, of course the majority of women talk about their male ex because the majority of abusers are male and I reckon a lot men are too embarrassed to tell (why it would be more embarrassing to be abused by a woman is also questionable btw).

Fair question and thanks for asking. It helps me understand this confusing (at least to me) issue better. I do wish I had said that “this happened to me too” as you suggested. I was just trying to share my own experiences with abuse. I also thought this film hit perfectly on the topic of abuse and it resonated with me. I had no intention of it going the way that it has and I apologize to you and anyone else that I may be causing offense or discomfort too. I’ll also go back and re-evaluate my share and your question(s) to see how I can do better understand and do better in the future. One thing that I’m finding out though is that it’s usually best for me to just stay quiet on this topic. It’s painful at its core and I don’t want to see the pattern repeat itself in a future romantic relationship.

@YoreBeatenPath No need to apologize! I'm not offended lol I was genuinely wondering where those urban myths come from. You are not the first man to comment BUT MEN ALSO (forgive the caps, that's usually the vibe with which it presents, not in your case). You are the first that seemed non-toxic. I very much appreciate talking about things. It's very important and it's also extremely important that men speak up - for women, for themselves, for children, for everyone. When it comes to touchy subjects, I feel it is especially important to talk. It helps to not deviate, I feel, as in: you found a story about a woman being abused and women telling their stories in the comment section. That doesn't mean you, as a man, can't share *your* story. There are more than two genders anyway (and always have been). There is simply no point in pointing out that women can also be awful human beings. I mean, come on, we ALL know that. None of us were born yesterday, eh ;) where are you from, if I may ask? Just curious. I'm in London.

I'm happy you liked it! All the best from London x

@@QbitFilms All the best for your future film projects from cloudy Berlin.

Thank you! :) this short was filmed in Berlin! Charlottenburg and Kreuzberg. Currently I'm working on a sci-fi mini series about evolution :)

I can't agree more 👍👍👍🤝🤝🤝💐🌺💯

@@QbitFilms oh hey, It's unbelievable that you filmed so close to my home - I live in the Wilmersdorf district - This is art - it happens everywhere - I love that. Sci-fi sounds interesting too. Good luck with your new project.🙏😉☮️

Haha! Me too! 👏🏻✨

Same here. Slow recovery.

I'm still planning my exit, I thought I would never fall into something like this again. He seemed like a Godsend. And sometimes he still does...Until he starts telling me I'm defensive, and sarcastic, when I try to stand up for myself when he talks to me like I'm a child, or like I'm crazy. Or when he tells me how much he does and how I should be appreciative and not complain about carrying the domestic duties in the house and everything with both of our sets of kids even though I also work full time AND I'm in school. And I'm literally just responding to comments and critique from him that are dripping with sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness. It's always my fault. I'm always wrong. It's exhausting. I'm recognizing this now, and I will be out of this soon I'm praying.

If you're not financially dependent - don't wait! Every day that you are staying is a lost day.

I know exactly what you're feeling.

@@QbitFilms Thank you, I'm trying, it's hard though, I don't know why it is so hard to just walk away. When he turns around and acts normal I question myself. I'm starting therapy soon and hoping it will help.

Yep, walking on eggshells... classy. Don't beat yourself up for having been too nice. At least you have the capacity to be nice! Just also apply it to yourself and you're good :) also, in order to be able to forgive yourself: read up on trauma bonding and how your childhood primed you for this. It really wasn't your fault. There was actually no way this could've played out any other way, when you think about it. Once you have processed that pain, you will be able to move on :)

Me too :') 😊

@@sujatadas4962 May I ask why?

Very good example! It's like premeditated manipulation or a trap they built for you to fall in. Mind you, the only way not to fall in is to leave that evening and not look back.

This!!!

Good question. Any kind of bs'ing is obviously futile, except you manage to manipulate someone into believing you. Once you brainwash someone into thinking that you hold the truth and they don't (because you made them believe they are crazy/incompetent etc.), you are in fact deciding what is true and what isn't. Without those dynamics you can't control/abuse someone. A person with good boundaries would see through it and simply leave. However, it usually starts small, staying under the radar (and enabled by enablers) for quite some time. The gaslighter needs you to traumabond first and once that unhealthy bond is established, the gaslighting attacks increase in frequency and severity until you don't trust your own judgement anymore. Now the victim is conditioned on the gaslighter and needs them to reassure reality (back to them). Narcs/socio/psychopaths needs those dynamics in order to subdue their victims, in order to gain ultimate control. The show "bad sisters" shows those dynamics very well, for example. In my short film the gaslighter makes his gf believe that she has anger problems whilst purposely pissing her off and provoking her all the time. And once she snaps (like a normal person), he calls her crazy. This is called a double whammy which is the ultimate projection - you anger someone and then guilt-shame for their anger. This works particularly well with women as female anger is not acknowledged in a misogynistic (aka non-feminist) society.

To make your partner confused, doubting themselves, feeling bad, not knowing what the truth is, and making them anxious, on-edge all of the time. This gives the gaslighter more control, but also so they can make their partner look bad in front of others, and end up isolating them, so they are even more dependant. The victim is generally very confused, and has no idea what is going on. They often think they need to work harder, to try and fix the situation, but they'll just get more exhausted. Because the gaslighter wants them confused, lonely, and isolated.

The gaslighter does everything to avoid feelings of shame, guilt and inadequacy, all of which they constantly had to feel as children. Their parents were likely as abusive to them as they are now to others. I do believe a grand part of gaslighting behavior is unconscious.That doesn't make it any more acceptable or any less hurtful, of course.

It actually can't be subconscious for the very simple reason that you can't manipulate someone if *you* don't *know* what's *actually* going on - that is as neuro(logically) impossible as being a gps without knowing the streets. Your comment is super dangerous as it victimizes abusers. "I don't know what I'm doing" is just another manipulation tactic and complete bs, of course. It only serves one purpose: rejecting accountability, so that they do can do whatever they want without feeling any consequences. They're acting as if a puppet in their head makes decisions for them every single day, again - complete nonsense. Remember this: every abuser has a switch - if they are around their boss or flying monkeys (enablers), they act charming and non-abusive. Often men, for example, are really nice to most ppl and only switch the monster on at home, which is insidious, of course, as it means the victims are hard to believe. That is why education about the topic is so important and why "but the poor abuser" needs to stop. In fact, making others feel sorry for them is part of their manipulation tactics. There are only decisions grown-up ppl make and accountability. Everything else is willful manipulation. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Don't be so naive. You simply *can't* decide what words come out of your mouth or what actions your body performs without engaging the *conscious* part of your brain. If that was possible, ppl in comas would be dancing around and giving speeches.

No, it's composed by Nils Bauer, like all the music in the film. He plays Alex as well. In real life a very nice guy :D

Thank you! :)

Thank you for making this film to provide the encouragement to everyone who needs it

Yes, the music is by Nils Bauer who also acts in it (as Alex).

@@QbitFilmsit’s beautiful!!!! ❤❤

I feel this everyday ❤

A ten yr Game

Didn’t like it?

Why?

It's too triggering for some people because apparently, and I've heard that many times, some of the sentences/tactics are used word by word by ex's etc. It's creepy, as if they're all reading the same manual. Can be hard to watch as it hits home too closely.

@@QbitFilmsthat’s it exactly.

Oh my goodness. Love to you ♥️

Obviously HE WAS the problem, not you. I'm happy to see you wrote he's now your EX. You are a brave woman!

An alcoholic covert or overt narcissist such as him…. I hope you’ve been able to regain what he took from you.

The abuse comes on so slowly, systematically breaking the target down over a long time. So you don't just wake up one day and go "I'm being abused!" "This is abuse!". No. It is the most insidious, evil form of abuse one can suffer because it is psychological, emotional, spiritual, mental, verbal etc. It effects every aspect of life and over time, the target begins to self isolate, not knowing that she/he is self isolating. Over time, the abuser becomes a bigger and bigger part of the targets' life, eventually becoming the only point of reference for what is or is not "normal", and there is no one around to bring the target's mind into focus, nothing and no one close enough with which to gauge normalcy. Before you know it, years have gone by and you've lost half of your life. It is extremely complex and far from being so simple as to think........... "ahh well, just leave then!". lol There is absolutely no way to properly explain this abuse to people who've not lived through it themselves, and no way to ever understand it unless you yourself have actually experienced this evil.

And when it is hidden, alot of victims are standing alone cause the abuser manipulated the environment. Also not everyone does have a 'safe zone' to leave to. There could be flying monkeys and enablers who is playing the web of abuse as well, even organizations/health professionals and important people cause the abuse can also happen 'behind the back' of the victim, what the victim doesn't know. It makes it worse when you already have experience childhood trauma/or are still in it.

I have

That was my case. 30 years, but I m free now, so happy to stay away from that monster!…… 1 year of terapy and I m still need more. It’s not easy, but I m here💪💪💪💪

The music was composed, played and recorded by Nils Bauer who also acts in it (Alex) :)

Thank you! :)

Amen 🙏 ❤ it’s definitely lonely and a legit living hell these kind of men who are habitually lying cheating and destroying our life’s wit zero compassion or care for the pain they inevitably cause it’s so hard to get away from them they hurt you then claim it’s your fault then lie blame shift and attack you for accusing them and holding them accountable for the wrong and disgusting behaviour they are doing to you ❤

Thank you! :) Happy you liked it.

💥💥

Pretty much in a nutshell!

Yes. It's called "projection."

Vuelcan todo lo que son en ti, todo lo que los hicieron sentir de niños son lo que quieren que sientamos, y aún que cómo dice un psicólogo ellos no pidieron nacer así, y es triste, tampoco se debe de permitir o normalizar el abuso es abuso se mire desde donde se mire...

100% You could be me; I could be you. I don't trust myself to know a good person from a bad person anymore.

Your confession sounds like my life story, too.

You will begin to recognize them ..they have a certain look. You will be repulsed and feel safe with good people and see the red flags. This is my wish for you.

Te entiendo perfectamente, y sabes los psicólogos dicen que es normal y que si volvemos a pasar por lo mismo es parte de la vida y que simplemente se supera y ya, pero yo digo y perdón si estoy mal, pero como ellos no pasaron y vivieron eso es fácil decirlo, pero para quien a vivido el abuso no es fácil, yo el día de hoy no me niego a conocer a alguien pero tampoco lo estoy buscando como otras personas, y si te puedo decir que ya me doy cuenta de las banderas rojas, pero aún así siempre estoy alerta y más porque tengo hijas y con tantas cosas que hoy en día se ven, mejor de lejos.