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At what point are these disorders not just medical diagnoseses of being a bad person?

So how do we navigate this when there still seems to be a lot of gaslighting in this area amongst professionals who deny it as a viable diagnosis simply because it has yet to be confirmed in the DSM. I spoke to a couple Neuro Psychologists about their position on it prior to enlisting them for a fresh comprehensive evaluation and both dismissed it completely in favor of ODD which I’m adamantly in disagreement with as it relates to my son. I’m filled with so much grief and sadness for not having the awareness sooner, I thought I was doing the right thing in implementing certain techniques and strategies with my son when he was younger and it all ended up obliterating his sense of trust in me and has since become so depressed and hopeless about his own ability to navigate even the most simple things in this life that I love in fear and worry over him every hour of the day. He’s very intelligent and it’s been perplexing to me that he can have a full grasp of understanding concerning consequences of certain things such as not brushing his teeth will lead to cavities and all sorts of oral problems of which I completely stopped saying anything about until he got word from his orthodontist that the top four front teeth had significant cavities and needed to be addressed promptly, yet there didn’t seem to be any concern or rather he has no internal faculty to carry out this task from day to day so resigned himself to allowing his teeth to deteriorate further. Myself in the other hand, in junior high I went through a period for about 3 years where I barely brushed my teeth and depression was definitely at the root of it on top of a large consumption of candy since our schools snack bar had plenty of it on hand, after learning that I had developed over 11 cavities in a 2 yr period a certain type of fear set in and I forced myself to brush my teeth every day even though I didn’t feel like it. It’s been a very maladaptive and self sabotaging way to self regulate and no matter how hard I try, What role does PDA play in the “I don’t FEEL like doing it” therefore I won’t mindset. As we know a huge part of adulting involves a realization that one has to do a lot of things they don’t feel like doing at all and would prefer to not do it or do something else, but there is enough Intrinsic motivation that urges us to persevere in order to stay on top of debt, reach a certain goal or desired outcome. I too think I have some measure of PDA. For the life of me I couldn’t pick up a book in junior and high school for the life of me. It was intimidating and daunting and just the anticipation of it led to a tremendous amount of procrastination and then I felt even more pressure and then I would simply resign altogether as if I was a hopeless cause. Even in Special Ed with all the accommodations they made for me I still barely averaged a 2.00. I did have intrinsic motivation to go shopping which gave me novelty and a dopamine hit. It developed into an addiction at a very early age. This addiction though led to developing intrinsic motivation to find jobs as early as age 10 so I could indulge in things my parents refused to buy for me. The fix I needed required me to develop motivation to get jobs, which I didn’t really want to do but I had to so I could get another fix. I in turn developed a very strong Entrepreneurship just so I could spend, spend and spend!!!!! I have probably made over 2.4 million in the last 30 years of which all I burned through and with nothing to show for. And no matter how hard I try to stick to a budget and remind myself of my goals I end up maybe going for some duration without buying anything but then when I do, it end up being a very costly binge!!! I continue to bring in a good amount of income, but even with the severe consequences I find myself falling into the same trap I’m just more sophisticated in my rationalizations now about why I’m needing to purchase something and it’s functionality My PDA/Autistic son is the exact opposite, a miser with his money that he gets for bdays and Christmas. Has no desire to make money to buy things he wants. His primary form of self reg now is 10 hours behind the screen a day unless he has to go to school which he always routinely finds a way to get out from going on campus at least 2 times a week. I think he does want a car but the pressure he feels to jump through the hoops prevents him from even starting the process.

Hi! I am happy I’ve found your channel. I wanted to ask if anyone here has been prescribed medication for theor child with PDA. I want to understand if this is a practice. I decided not to give my daughter the treatment prescribed for her, but I still don’t know other people in the same situation and I am not sure if this is the right decision.

Once they have calmed down, do you talk about how they could channel that nervous system anxiety into something else that isn’t going to damage property?

Yes! using humor with my 9 yr old can help many times but I have noticed can also escalate some big feelings ( takin as a annoyed and anger further) “shut up”ect meltdown. But it’s definitely a tool to keep ! As we try to balance the nervous system. Thanks for all your support

Problem is this can come off as passive agressive and manipulative when someone really demanding will only talk like this

I so appreciate your knowledge

❤yes!!! All of the above

So what you just described is two children that would benefit greatly with a belt to the ass, because if my child is defiant, or opposition leader pathologically defiant, then really what he's asking for is discipline and the belt to ass

But saying “ok it’s time to go to bed” is a demand correct?

This was a great video. You have described this situation very well. Just curious as to how the service dog helps your boy? Is it comfort, familiarity or something more?

Thanks so much. I was gobsmacked by the turn this talk took. It is the real deal and I am very grateful ❤

I’m an adult (f27). I STRONGLY think I have PDA but I’m not sure how to go about assessment since I’m an adult and from what I understand the tests are for kids (also I’m broke with no insurance). I’ve been misdiagnosed with so many things in my life that only felt like they partially fit but when I came across pda autism, every single thing clicked into place. My parents didn’t know how to handle me and just went with abuse, so I kept getting “cptsd” but I know that’s not the whole picture. I would like to have a professional confirm though since no one will believe me otherwise. 🙄 Any information you could share would be appreciated. Ty

This information is all so wonderful. I struggled with my son for years, trying to work out what the heck was going on until we finally got the information we needed and he was diagnosed with ADHD at fourteen. However, this still didn’t completely explain his outrageous resistance to any kinds of rules or requests. It’s like he has always wanted total autonomy and power and I am an obstacle in his way to achieving it. Thank you so much for these explanations and your encouragement. I am resting in the knowledge that boundaries are better than rules with these kids. He’s a great creative problem solver so I am hopeful we can come up with solutions together to problems that arise. Thank you so much!

This information is AMAZING!!

Yay this was the first skill I used and sometimes it helped de-escalate a few meltdowns. Please need more tips for a 9 yr old girl . After school help !! Definitely in burnout . Thank u !

Literally no one understands my child. I was that child- I was misunderstood 😔😔

You have helped me more than any doctor, therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist ever has. I finally feel like I understand my son.

I wish I had seen this years aho to release my guilt! I have always felt bad bc we didn't "co regulate" like neurotypical children. No helping them breathe and holding/hugging. I was confident that these steps you mentioned were what MY son needed yet felt guilty because I felt like other therapists were saying if you weren't doing xyz when your child had a meltdown then you were traumatizing your child

I was laughing at this as I literally say/think ALL of these things. Thank you so much for explaining everything so clearly. You are really helping me to understand my child and therefore help him ❤

Casey I have 3 kids on the spectrum. My 10 yr daughter is way different and I’ve finally have been introduced to PDA but 1st time hearing about this. I’ve been searching for this particular area you’re talking about in this here. Bc no one could tell me anything before why at least not one that felt right. A lot of things a person does for themselves like opening your door, fixing coffee, opening the fridge or getting dressed, she has to either tell me how to do it or has to help me get each item for the coffee and that process usually takes like 30 min or longer that would normally take 10 min or so. It started where she would do a couple of things and I could do most of it and repeat the direction of telling me what to do but now she’s doing more of almost the entire thing and during this she has to stop once getting something bc she has to sit down a certain way during the things she is okay with me doing on my own. Please help or validate that I’m not crazy and that this is something others are experiencing! I can’t find it anywhere that says yes it’s not you.

What should I do if he's in a habit of kicking me and hurting me in these moments?

These are great tips!

Can DBT or CBT Therpy can help at all ? And THANKS YOU! I feel less crazy listening to your experiences. My daughter is 9 tomorrow . and she was excited, today and yesterday I could not leave the house , she is in such burn out , she can’t hear anything about her birthday or she just zones out and anything I ask her get twisted and it’s just lies over and over if I ask , she just wants me to be near her constantly be there ( to help regulate) but it’s none stop “ do u love me?” Stop looking at me” cursing , throwing hitting , hitting her grandma . been following you and really struggling but listening to you makes me feel less crazy and isolated. Its always been a struggle but this has feel like I’m loosing her ( I can’t connect ), feel like she has no respect and I understand PDA its so triggering when she comes out with horrible things , we do this until ? I’m so confused, I’m caring for my mom that’s 80 and my child . I can’t offered help. And frankly I’m not handling the abuse . It reminds me of BPD ( “I hate you ! Don’t leave me!” . I can’t work I can’t go food shopping, I can’t take a shower

Thank you so much for your information. It is so helpful ❤

My son has a ton of demand avoidance issues. He will be 10 soon. Anyway … He has always blamed objects for things. He’s never grown out of it. We’ve always corrected him and reminded him that he’s the one in control which just upsets him more sometimes. I kind of feel like an asshole … he’s such a smart kid that he knows it’s not actually whatever objects fault when he says it. I’m so used to parenting a certain way, ya know?

Long-time watcher, first-time responder. I just want to say thank you SO much for your videos. There are many of us out there parenting neurodivergent children and we need parents and psychologists like you to help us in our journey!

You’re so inspiring to me.

Really helpful, as I am pretty sure a new art therapy client I have is PDA and her mother and grandmother are currently unsupported and so engaged in deep conflict with her, which is painful to witness. I am currently collecting resources to pass to them and this is one of the best that I've found, Thank. you so very much!!!

This sounds like what my eight year-old granddaughter goes to, and my son is more of an authoritarian than my daughter-in-law, and so without a diagnosis I think he might be escalating things. What can I do to speak to him about this, without giving his advice or shaming him my outcomeis really about her and her mental health and safety

I totally get that. Sometimes I do things for my PDA son. But all that runs through my head, is the misogyny I grew up with. Were women took care of everything, and Men didn't have to do anything. I knew an old woman, who had even older parents living next door. Even in their 90s, her mother was taking off her father's socks and shoes for him. While he spewed ugly words, and spoke negatively on her. You don't ever feel like this while doing care tasks for a child capable of doing them themselves? I worry I'm doing his future partner/roommate a disservice, and I get that's why you said it feels counterintuitive. It is counterintuitive. And very hard to cope with as a woman who was raised with a lot of misogyny around her. To "baby" my pre-teen by brushing his teeth for him? There has to be a line here- somewhere between limiting demands, and not teaching self responsibility.

The tips here are very helpful. Especially reframing it too a panic attack. And leaning on the spiritual help. Thanks

I understand turning comments off, but I wish I could comment on so many of your videos! They help me SO immensely as an adult reparenting the inner child who was undiagnosed and scapegoated for being PDA 🥲 thank you so much for your videos

I'm an adult PDAer and watching these videos is very healing and validating for my child self who didn't know how to communicate my struggles. As a young adult I likened that same feeling to "psychologically running up against a brick wall" as in, "I'm trying as hard as I can, but I still can't".

But seriously, you have helped give me support in this very challenging journey! Thank you❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I must be pda too. Sounds like a dynamite story adjustment!

Helpful. But I have to touch my daughter, she’s 18 now, and although it’s reduced, her self harm is dangerous, she smashes her head full force off walls. It used to be daily. It’s now approx monthly. I have to stop her doing it, one time she nearly smashed it off the sink but screamed me to help her not do it - the only time she asked for help to not do it. She’s knocked herself unconscious before. She also punches herself in face and has regular black eyes. If I’m there when it happens I stop her. How could I not? It’s devastating to witness. Meds have helped. Low / zero demands and increased autonomy has helped but taken 2 yrs to come out of severe trauma / burn out. She is also physically disabled and has chronic unmanaged pain. This adds to her low window of tolerance. But how to guide? She uses cannabis to help cope with pain, but she’s now addicted. She’s 18. She has severe PDA. As soon as I mention reducing or negatives about cannabis it activates her nervous system. She wasn’t diagnosed until 15. I feel we are almost too late to have a positive impact.

That explains so much about how I acted as a child

Yes!! So how to you get mine to not call me names as soon as she wakes up

This is exactly how i feel and i never knew why. I want my parents to see that i did something and be grateful, but i dont want them to say thank you

Been binge watching you all afternoon. You have no idea how grateful I am to have found you!!!

As I child with autism I would put it kind of like this. “Good job” is a judgement of something I’m doing, while I may appreciate the kindness, my knee jerk reaction is hostility towards the judgement or implication the implication that I’m preforming for you. There’s situational context that may make it different. At the end of the day though I am human, I am a social animal and I want attention and to be acknowledged just like anyone else. When I was a child the only way I knew to articulate that was to make sure my mom was watching. Like you mentioned autonomy is the main part, and giving each child as much autonomy you can, while also being considerate to their individual needs for attention is the balancing act.

That's actually really smart. It makes the kid feel like they have a choice, and that's what a lot of parents can't seem to wrap their heads around...

I like to wear heavily lined hoodie. A good thick carhartt is just as warm as a jacket, and the material doesn’t make my skin sweat. Because its a hoodie it doesnt restrict movement. The only downside is they arent as waterproof as a kids jacket.

So helpful! …What if an adult family member has PDA? Seems more difficult not to categorize the behaviors as abusive from an adult..? Is it expected for adults gain more awareness of their dysregulatuon?

PDA child means Pathalogically Demand Avoidant child. So a child who is like a person who doesn't want to do what they're told.

How to remember these phrases? Is there a list?

What's a PDA Child?

Good job isn't helpful... wow you are really focusing well I love how you used color here ... as an example... good job and you are so smart are horrible lazy compliments that don't provide feedback or provide proof that you are enjoying being with her. If we aren't on our phones it really helps

Thank you for all these videos. We have a 5 yr old daughter that is high functioning autistic. She is not fully non verbal but is very delayed in speech and these have helped so much.