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Fabulous! Thank you so much for this! Well done!

Why is it video assuming that only men does it

So women will also project these bad behaviors to men. Especially if they they didn't deal with the trauma in a healthy manner.

I didn't know I was abused until I read this book 😭

Thank you so much for this talk. Yes, part of thinking 'oh good, everything's ok now' is that you are thinking and feeling relief that you don't have to give up and uproot your entire life that you built with them, give up on the good times, give up on all the work you put in, all the time and money and effort you've invested in your shared life, shared businesses, don't have to leave and start all over again, especially if they have been financially abusing you and you will walk away with nothing, and maybe even without financial security or have to be on the street, and possibly with a child/children, and maybe you have chronic health issues making it even more difficult. Many perpetrators will deliberately work on you to encourage you to get pregnant because they know how much more entrapped and vulnerable that will make you, and it does. So when they put on the very convincing act that makes you think there's a real chance things are able to be worked out, you think, oh good, I don't have to split up the family and how that will effect the child/children, etc. Many perpetrators of coercive control know exactly how to get you entrapped and entrenched and use all those tactics to make it as hard and unappealing as possible to leave them. They know exactly how hard it's going to be for you to leave, with the physical exhaustion, psychological harm and mental fog their deliberate crazy-making causes, and with a children to support, alone. They know if they didn't keep leading you on, lying, acting, convincing, that you will leave. They knew that without doing those things from the very beginning you'd never even have gotten involved with them, so this isn't an issue of women just 'choosing better', and these are the reasons why some women 'don't just leave'. And because once you leave, the abuse typically escalates in an attempt to maintain their control over you, punish you for resisting their control, get what they can from you or keep you from leaving with anything, and once there is zero reason or usefulness for them to still try to pretend that they really want/intend to do good, but are just 'misunderstood', 'have addictions', 'suffer from childhood trauma', fill in the excuse here. There is still a ways to go until there is adequate recognition, validation and protection from the system and society at large. It's the kind of thing you don't really think about until it happens to you, and until then you can think to yourself, well there must be 'some reason' this happens to victims. Yes, it's because we allow vulnerabilities to exist that they can exploit. We live within a greater system of coercive control, which keeps the majority vulnerable to abuse. I'm grateful to you all and everyone who is a voice bringing forth the awareness and understanding that none of this is ok, no one deserves this, and we need to do better for those who are targeted and victimized, especially the children involved.

Lundy has helped save so many of us who just had bad advice he is so respectful, just wonderful. Let me be very clear: I knew the entire time the man I was with was abusing me. Having a mother who had been beaten, I know what is not appropriate. Logically I knew. I like that Lundy does not treat us like we are stupid. He is absolutely correct about the kids, I heard my mother get raped and I haven't forgotten it. I'm 45 . The belt buckle in the original The Color Purple hitting the wall is very upsetting to me even today. Kids know whats going on. Thank you for letting me share. I didn't want to go to visitation I stopped when he started being weird with me as a teenager I refused to go.

Actually, the struggle to understand legal terms, etc., when in a state of trauma, can be because your brain can't take it in. It's so full of the need to survive for the next moment. I had information about the hazards of mediation for many years that I have just begun to be able to read, due to my not being able to process the information objectively. It was as if I had become illiterate. In the meantime, much damage was done through mediating without the knowledge that it was a very bad idea when a power imbalance existed. At that point in time, I didn't know I was in a power imbalance with an abusive man and his abusive father.

True good reason ...

MYSAGONY. EVIL THAT SPREADS THROUGHT THE WORLD. Abuse towards children and women is obnoxious. It costs peoples health, peace and well being. Aweful. :/

Beautifull man! Thanks for being there and putting light on things that are happening. Men in my family were quite problematic, they sometimes blame their moms for being bad. I don't know why my older brother became like that. He is manipulative and controls with agression.

Had it not been for my friends and family, I would have been homeless !!

domestic violence and womens shelter intake services are brutally demeaning to abused women.

Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That?” was a game-changer for me, and for millions of other people. At the beginning of his book he blasts through a long list of myths about abusers (no, they don’t abuse because of alcohol, trauma, lack of anger management, etc etc), then he summarizes **in the words of abusers themselves** precisely how and why they deliberately abuse their partners, and why they will not stop. His book ends with how communities can support victims of abuse. My eyes were opened - I had no idea how naive and naively optimistic I was, and how important it was for me to LEAVE. It’s not an easy read. But a necessary one.

Ok. There is not enough space for me to say all the things I love about Mr. Bancroft and his message. I've worked in social services with additional training in DV. He has brought together so many things I had noted in my work with women and violent men and so much more. Amazing. I love that he normalizes harmed women's behaviour and that there is no statistical difference between harmed women and unharmed women pre-harm. They are not 'choosing poorly'. It is not their fault because they stay. It is not women's fault. He fully and completely puts the blame where it belongs. The courts need to stop helping harmers and all social programs need to start protecting protectors. We have a long way to go! he has so many amazing videos. he expands on why men harm, the benefits of harming, and the low level of consequences for harming. It is a value system that is passed from generation to generation. It comes from entitlement and a willingness to harm for your own benefit. I'd suspected before but man, he adds so much clarity. Keep watching his other videos too. Then pass it on to other women. I wish Lundy Bancroft would address CPS intervention in DV situations. Not just what they do wrong but also what they can do better. He does such a great job with talking about the courts but often, the courts rely on what CPS has to say and we need major improvements there.

My issue is that most for victims I know who have protection order, police refuse to arrest the abuser for violating the order with technology (calls, texts, emails, etc.) 🫥

Crying 😢its like me So so sad 😢😢😢

FYI not just women are victims of IPV so i would update the definition to be more inclusive

My ex was totally emotionally abusive. He did everything that he wasn’t supposed to do in terms of talking bad about me in front of them. He would try to drag them into things of the past and have them choose sides. It was horrible. The family court system in the U.S is simply not set up to create a safe place to monitor this monstrous behavior. Any kind of complaint from the mother, is viewed as a way of alienating his children away from their father. There should be an entirety new system put into place. The current system is horrible if you are dealing with an abusive ex partner or husband. Thank goodness my children are grown now. I feel so sorry for women who are caught in this horrible place.

Wow, this guy gets it!!!

I had the sleep deprivation techniques and then had to try and go to work the next day. I was a shell of my former self and have never dealt with it all. All aspects of my life are affected.

This has been extremely valuable and supportive to me at this time. Thank you for hosting this. It helps validate my thinking while I'm going through my DV situation

We just don't hold men accountable for their actions...society always blame women for all the problems they have with men.

Thank you so much. Best regards (forms Switzerland 🇨🇭)

I can not handle listening It hurts so much and really damaged all things to be a good person I have no support and I’m still defending myself about being abused. The children courts do not allow healing its legally silenced at the expense of my trust

Emdr can release the strongholds of ptsd

Teach them Common Law and there’s no issues

Is that a she-male not Lundy but ya never know cause parasites and eugenics caused the Narc

This video is just WOW. I’ll never forget when telling the court that I was concerned about my child’s safety bc the father would show up reeking of alcohol and the ACS social worker told me “What’s one or two beers”. And she said it in such a nonchalant manner.

Also, you guys are acting like the "client" isn't abusive. Why? My sister was abusive as-well but wasn't as abusive as her ex bf. I dont understand this i want to help my sister but you guys aren't lawyers so I'm confused. If i should file a petition again for her

Wait isn't this basically manipulating the court, since advocates aren't law practitioners. You guys are using abused women as a money tanks. My sister went to you guys and the case was dismissed against her because she over exaggerated. You guys were the ones who helped her?

If there is suspicion of abuse the child needs to be saved from it. Why aren't children being sent to a few different child psychiatrists or child psychologists??? However in the case of any type of abuse it should be allowed to be shown to the court system to get the child away from the abuser. We simply need to protect those that can't protect themselves!!!

My ex husband turned my son against me. I have not heard from my son in 5 years. I reach out to him via text, phone and email. He never responds. Mothers Day and my birthday are very depressing. I wish I had known about Lundy Bancroft sooner.

Do we have any recommendations from Lundy regarding current "good" abuser intervention programs?

*promosm* 😚

Love your work!! A reality on a very challenging dynamic. The courts just DO NIOT consider DV

Absolutely so much of this expert analysis resonates. 17 years down the track my beautiful children are amazing and see their father for who really is. As a mother you have to bee so savy and work hard to recover from the crippling financial losses. Be careful to whom fathers your children.

Heart felt radical factual information, a relief from the know courts system which does not protect children when men abuse women. The judiciary is complacent since the 1970s. Thank you for identifying the reality in this dynamic.

The last relationship I was in my male partner told me how abusive his father was to his mom, him and his siblings but he resented his mother. He was emotionally unavailable, and manipulative.

I need an expert witness Idaho has none we need help my children are fully in the hands of the abuser because I brought up domestic violence in our divorce I've been totally separate from their lives I raised them alone their whole life it's ripped us all apart please help me

Please help me

Family courts have no oversight. No matter how much training and laws are passed, the decision always comes down to the judges bias. Child's best interest rarely includes APA pediatric recommendations, CDC recommendations regarding dv and ipv,or ACE scores, instead its left up to the bias.

Kayden’s law just passed in Colorado. I hope it changes things.

I wish I cld get 40 years back!!!

I used that strategy about being the primary caregiver and argued that he’s never had 50% responsibility so why does he now get 50% of the kids time?!? I also asked to get a family psychological assessment done and when he realised that might expose him he basically said ok if I can get the extra days I want then you can have the final say on major decisions regarding health, education etc. I had argued that if we both had equal say he would have way too much power in my life. I never mentioned narcissism or disorders, just used the words difficult and antagonistic etc I’m in Australia, our family court system is just a sham. A royal commission was held and they recommended that the whole system be abolished 😮 it’s a joke

I have one easy fix for not getting sleep...trip the fuse box and turn the power off to the entire home. Not trying to make light of the situation (no pun intended). My current man suffers from ptsd and I understand how sleep is very important to him. We are both truckers so sleep schedules can already be messed up etc. Adding on to the stress of one of the most stressful professions out there. I didn't really understand him when we first met, but I think we've both made progress. He's also an avoidant introvert and the ptsd is not just from the military it's also unhealed childhood trauma and abandonment etc. It is so complex and not everyone is willing to go down the rabbit hole with someone. I've spent years working through my own trauma and cycles and triggers. Educated myself on fear based mind control etc. He displays all the self doubts and insecurities and he is passive aggressive or just simply shuts down. I mistook his treatment of me for manipulation tactics because his withdrawal and withdrawal of affection seemed narcissistic to me, but I had to remind myself that he was basically in survival mode, it wasn't done to gain narcissistic supply from me. Unfortunately he is tied into his trauma situation with family etc that he isn't able to detach from currently so he exposes himself to that environment and it reinforces the trauma the triggers and the anxiety and insecurities that come with it all over again. I stay separate from all of it and I preserve my safe space and I preserve a safe space for him aswell. I can always tell a switch up of enegies when we interact. These are the "super powers" of empaths once you learn to observe and not absorb and have healthy boundaries and know your triggers, you can recognize patterns within yourself and others and adjust behaviors in that way. Not everyone who displays narcissistic behaviors is a narcissist. Traumatized empaths often adapt narc traits for preservation or narc behavior is all they have known in their environment. I had been so brainwashed in my own self that for a period of time I thought that I was possibly a narcisstic abuser. At 44 now I am finally at the point where I know and understand myself and I am happy and I can relate and pass on my own experiences to help shed awareness. It gets even more confusing because everyone seems to be spreading the rhetoric without even understanding what those terms even mean. A crazy world we live in! If you've regained your peace and sanity...protect it with all you have!

Thanks for sharing. I realized that with smart homes, a complete new hidious way in misusing technology is available for domestic abusers and many are not prepared for understanding what it means to the victim 😮. So sorry to hear about reaching out and not being believed or helped.

This is how I lived, he was never a husband only took from me, crazy making day in and day out, I am traumatized 🙏😭🥵I need someone to help me he even was stealing from me. He brought nothing to my home paid for nothing, no it’s up and down, I have flash backs, hard to focus. I need an Autorny 😭🥵to,d him go haven’t seen him 4 months, I have these symptoms severely, he filed for divorce I can’t deal with this alone There is nothing here of his. I need someone ASAP to talk to, Autorney

Why wouldn't you just leave the home? A hotel? A relatives place? A friend's?

Very unique but an essential learning for survival ,thanks

Thank You!!!